The new year and what am I doing? I am sitting up alone at midnight writing a post. I suppose that with a New Year, comes new challenges, and likewise-benefits. This past year hasn't been so terrible. No sick kids, no lay-offs or bizarre illnesses/lawsuits. And so- it has been a pretty good year. If you ask Chris...well, don't ask him. He's a real downer. And why shouldn't he be? By the time his grandfather was his age he had a house, a retirement, and was a war veteran. Nowadays, things don't happen so matter-of-factly. Things don't occur in such a linear fashion. Goals and aspirations get put on hold, and dreams die. This is all very depressing, but quite true. These are the days where whatever that "American Dream" held for our generation is not transpiring in the manner in which it should. Yes- people still have their aspirations realized, but more often than not this generation is looking at 2nd and 3rd careers, as well as still living with parents or returning after mortgages have been lost and home have been foreclosed. I picked teaching as my career because I wanted something I could count on. "you'll always have a job!" is what I heard, along with "not great pay, but great benefits..". I have learned that this is not necessarily true. So...who's to blame? The government? Big business? Me? I think so, but I do have some joys that are not connected to my bleak financial outlook.
Reasons to be happy:
1) My kids aren't sick. Oh sure they get colds, etc, but they don't have some rare disease or cancer. For this I am grateful. There are others not quite so lucky, and I feel for their suffering each time I am reminded.
2) My kids are alive and so are my husband and I. Death is not always foreseen. Things don't add up, people are careless, there are such things as "silent killers", and we have avoided all of it.
3) My husband is a good man and a great husband/father. There are men out there that do not love their families, that abuse their wives, that mistreat and take for granted all those that surround them, but Chris is not one of them. He comes home after being yelled at all day at work, and scoops up each of those kids for big hugs and kisses and me, too. He folds and cleans, and let's me go out on midnight runs to Walmart for milk and for a moment of peace. I am lucky.
4) I have a home, a job, and working cars. Our van did have a major breakdown this year, but thank goodness we have credit otherwise we would be squeezing everyone into that other little car we have. There are others that just do without.
5) I have no major illnesses- that I know of. Ok so I don't have insurance, but I really think I am not harboring any catastrophic junk inside my body. At least- I hope. :)
6) I only have 1 white hair. This is my vanity talking, but I just have this one hair that I pull and it grows back in the same spot. Yup- just one. I think that's pretty lucky at my age.
There are others, but although my life is not perfect-I could use a few grand here or there for stuff- I actually have not always had enough to cover expenses this last year, and it would be awesome to not be in debt or have to think "can I afford this tank of gas?", but that is so small and trivial and will some day go away. I will not always have the luxury of only worrying about financial problems. These are problems that can be solved through extra work, and being more frugal (not always but ideally). There will be a time when the things I worry about have no answer, cannot be so easily resolved and/or involve more adverse predicaments. And so on this the first day of 2013, I am happy and truly lucky and blessed. And I hope that this next year is just as bright.
Called to Serve
It's been a long time since I posted or wrote or did anything- really- that didn't involve poopy diapers and stewing in baby spit up but my parents visited this last week just prior to their leaving on a humanitarian mission that they will be serving for the next 5 months. In looking at their lists of things to buy and watching them busily prepare the essentials I was reminded, very strongly, of my own mission.
I cannot speak for all people who have served missions, but there is something that was created within me that is difficult to understand. Difficult not just for people who are not members of the church, but even for members who have not served missions- at least in my observation. A return missionary does not just yearn for their former life as a missionary, but they mourn it. There are days when I ache to be on a mission again, serving and working along with others who are working towards the same common goal. I have dreams of leaving my children and husband to return to serve and then once I'm there I realize that I can't be here- I have responsibilities at home. The ending is always filled with mixed emotions and I usually wake up feeling like something is missing- like there is something that I've lost, which I can't regain. Don't get me wrong- I love my children and Chris tremendously, but that feeling of unadulterated service that comes from serving a mission is a true gift.
I was sort of a dumb girl. I mean, really...my priorities were completely askew. I was more concerned about status, and being cool than what I now believe to be what is most important. It took an epiphany and many tears shed to let go of some self-indulgent behavior and focus on a different path. That path was pretty much up hill, but I chose it because I knew that it was for the best- at least I hoped it would be or rather, I had the faith that it was. I will never forget that feeling when I walked into the MTC in Provo (missinary trainging center). It was a feeling of total conviction. I had goosebumps because although I did not know what to except, I knew that what I was doing was important. That year and half changed me profoundly. I think it made me a better person, and I know that it made me a better wife and mother. Not everyone needs to immerse themselves into selfless service in order to be a good person and to solidify their beliefs, but I did. Here is a short list of what I learned (this is no way is saying that I am perfect at these things- only that I am aware of them and work on them):
1) How to compromise: There is a lot of "It's my way or the highway" attitudes. And don't get me started on the "My man needs to treat me like a queen!" facade...no one is better or deserves anything. Everyone needs to work for everything they get. If you have joy in your life its not because you are lucky- it's because you work very hard to make your life that way. Same for if your life sucks- you worked hard to make it that way. There are always variables and exceptions, but this is what I learned is the general rule.
2) What other people feel and think matters: I was notorious for belittling remarks and I sometimes revisit this state of being with my family, but for the most part it's not cool to be a jerk. I remember that one of my companions asked me "why do you keep saying that this sucks or that sucks? does it really matter? you are being negative." We had our own issues, she and I, but she was right. I was being unnecessarily negative and belittling her likes and dislikes when in the end- it was really no big deal.
3) Stop and take a look at yourself before you start to criticize others for your crap: I was depressed when we were having a tough time finding people to teach, when I had a companion who basically said to me that we were not going to take no for an answer. We were going to pray for a teaching experience and we would have faith that we would have one- and that's that! I scoffed a little and she came back at me. I realized that I needed to change my attitude before I could change my circumstances. In the end we found someone to teach and she was totally right.
4) People are what matter. Not things or status: I met so many different kinds of people while I was on my mission. My wall of prejudices was broken many times and was only rebuilt through my own stubbornness. I can recall this time when a poor, single mother of two invited us to eat at her home. I wasn't very excited because I thought that we could get a better meal from someone we knew better- someone who was more fun and whose living accommodations were nicer. I was humbled when she took her last two cans of chili and what she had left of some potatoes to make us as nice a meal as she could in her trailer. He kids were so excited to eat with us and she was nearly in tears that we would grace her home with our presence. Needless to say I felt like a total jerk after eating with her. I was the one changed. I was the one who should be grateful for her example and her sacrifice. In the end- death I mean- nothing matters except for how you treated others. The End.
5) Faith without works is a waste of time: There were plenty of times when I was not in the mood to get yelled at or knock on doors. Plenty of times when I would have preferred to sleep in, but I got up and out and was always happier for it. Just because you "feel" a certain way does not mean you have to let that feeling control your life. In fact, most of the time we shouldn't because otherwise we are giving in to a more humanistic approach, which is like our Id, instead of the spiritual approach which is what makes us truly happy. I'm reminded of the parable of the guy who is trapped in a flood and prays for help. When he gets help in two different forms- helicopter, boat- he denies them saying "I have faith- God will save me!' Then he drowns and dies. He see's God and asks 'Why didn't you save me? I had so much faith in you." And God responds: "I sent a helicopter and a boat but you didn't want their help!"
I miss my mission. There were some super tough patches and things that I am glad I do not have to relive everyday, but the change that it effected in me was infinite. I am glad that my parents have the opportunity to experience that even if it's just for a little bit of time. Going on a mission, for me, was not about how many people I saw enter the waters of baptism, or how many people I taught (because the numbers were not that significant anyhow) it was laying a foundation for what my expectations would be for my children, creating a stronger bond and understanding with my husband, and changing the only person that I am completely responsible for in the life...me.
Whew! What a relief...
Those that have been keeping up with the Facebook updates know that I finally coerced my doctor into allowing me to be induced. Many people have their opinions about this and believe that the babies should be allowed to come when they want to and that your messing with nature when you are trying to make the baby come out when it is not ready. I totally agree that under normal circumstances when it's time, it's time. If you are a week over due or something like that, or have other medical issues then let's do this! But- when it comes to carrying two babies in your abdomen at the same time, well...it's not the same.
I was basically a walking incubator. A shell of a human and whisper of the person I used to be. Not trying to be dramatic, just trying to explain accurately what it was like for me to carry twins. Sitting was uncomfortable, lying down was often painful and walking was unbearable. I had constant contractions since my 26th week of pregnancy. That's the 6th month, and I carried these babies for 3 1/2 more months.
The day I went in to the doctor I was somewhat anxious. "Was I doing the right thing?" "Was I putting myself or my babies under unwarranted danger?"However, when I walked into the room that I was going to be staying in- I felt completely at ease thanks to the many prayers and good thoughts of friends and family far and wide. They hooked me up to the monitors and IV's and medication and I just sat there and waited.
At around 11:30 the following day- Sunday, the slowness of it all progressed very quickly and I went from 100% effaced and 6 cm dilated to one of the babies heads ready to come out. They wheeled me into the OR (Kaiser policy for twins just in case things go badly) at around 12:45 and about 8-10 pushes later the babies were out and I felt this surge of relief.
With our first child, Lenore, I was a total wreck postpartum. I had a tough time with many things- feeding, sleeplessness and loss of freedom with gain of crazy responsibility. With this pregnancy and birth I feel the exact opposite. I was a prisoner of my body's
limitations. I was a 1,00- year old woman trapped in the avatar of a 31 year-old pregnant woman. I feel wonderful now. I can bend over and walk and sit without pain. I have the energy and strength to do small tasks like put stuff away or wash a dish. I feel a sense of freedom this time instead of confinement like I did last time.
The babies are great, and sweet, and healthy. Chris is a little bit stressed, but he is overwhelmed with oncoming Fall semester and a major move that will affect us all. He has been super, though. Cleaning and helping, taking care of Lenore and doing my bidding (even when he shouldn't like midnight runs to Del Taco for nachos and chili cheese fries). Everything is super and I am really
grateful. We are surrounded by people who love and care for us and help us, even if we are too proud to ask (one of my aunts stayed with us in the hospital during delivery and helped every
day we were there- even bought chocolate's for the medical crews that gave me and the babies our around the clock care).
I try not to think about the bad things that could happen because I am somewhat superstitious. If it's too good to be true then it probably is- right? Well- I am going to put aside my silly superstition for now and just enjoy.
What's Up!?
It's June 25th (now) and I am 35 weeks and 1 day pregnant with a twin boy and girl. I should be asleep, but I am so dang hot, and uncomfortable that I am waiting for sleep to take me by force so that I can overcome all these minor issues and just rest.
For those that are wondering how I am doing- do you want the honest answer or the positive answer? Who cares- let's just be honest. I'm terrible. I used to think I was so tough but these babies have really humbled me. I can hardly walk, stand, turn over, sit...it's rediculous. I have Braxton-Hicks contractions all the time and have been having them pretty frequently since my 26th week. I've been admitted to the hospital twice for having them too regularly. Those shots that make the contractions go away are no picnic. They really sting. But- one thing that I am ultra and super grateful for and why I feel like a big whiner for even complaining a little is that the babies are healthy and doing great. They measure just over 5ibs. and are both head down and face down- so instead of having the scheduled c-section, we are going to try for a "natural" delivery. Of course drugs will be involved;I am not trying to win a medals of honor. I have had no problems with my blood pressure, no gestational diabetes, no medical complications at all- other than extreme discomfort.
I am hoping to deliver early. The only reason why is because I am totally selfish. Perhaps it's better for them to cook a little longer, but hey- I was a month early and turned out OK. I think they will be fine. I'm not taking any herbal supplements to induce labor, or anything- just praying a lot. I know that life will be challenging once they come out, but at least I can feel human again. I can't pick things up off the floor, wash the dishes standing up, play with my daughter, sleep, and (this might be too much info) it's getting tough to wipe after I go to the bathroom! Chris said he would clean me, but seriously...how degrading is that?!
Anyhow- we are all fine. We are also moving to Reno, NV so that Chris can attend school there. Of course, since he majored in Art, naturally he'll be studying Molecular Biology. He's so excited and worried, and I am just excited for him. I've really seen a difference in his attitude towards school and learning since he decided to focus on science. He recently took an Anatomy course (got an A-surely) and what a difference from when he was in school for Art. I am really happy and excited for him. Of course, we are sad to leave our friends and family, but he was unable to find an affordable school that would accept him in So Cal. Apparently, cal states and UC's don't like you to change your mind about what you want to do with your life. he was denied application because he already had a degree. Oh yeah- BYU denied him as well based upon the same reasoning. So...we were left with ASU, U of U and UNR. The later gave him the best deal and so we decided to go there. Cost of living is great and the weather is neither as hot as AZ or as cold as UT.
We will miss our families but are secure in our belief that this is what is best for our little (well not that little soon) family. Napa was such a great learning experience, and it seems that it was the stepping stone in preparation for our move to another place and lesser means. We have already been blessed with so much. I took an early maternity leave because I just couldn't hang anymore at work, and the same week I decided to leave, Chris got a call from his old job that they needed him to fill-in full-time for a month! I also bought disability insurance that is going to cover some of our expenses. We recently visited Reno to find a place to live. Well- we were too early to apply for any places in August, but we ended our visit at a place for low-income tenants. The manager was so nice, and as she asked us questions about our financial situation (you can't make too much or too little) she said that she needed varifiable income. I told her we didn't have any. We were going to be living on loans. She said that that was good enough, but what about me. I told her that I was a teacher, but that I couldn't find work in Reno. She said that I could still apply for unemployment benefits and that it would count as verifiable income. I couldn't believe it because we were from out of state. She then offered a story about her own husband needing to quit his job so that they could move- and said it was very possible to get benefits. I contacted Unemployment and they said that it was true and that if I qualified for benefits that I could just change my address and get my benefits sent to Reno. Awesome! So we'll see if that little miracle happens as well.
As far as blessings go- we are more, and have been more than covered. Sorry no pics, but I will have Chris post some soon. He's the one with the camera and I'm not sure how to access. So, we are happy and healthy and eagerly waiting the removal...I mean the coming of these two little babies. Don't ask us what we are naming them- we still don't know.
It's a boy...and...a girl?
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So... there have a several things that are totally, and completely uncertain- at least for us. There are many decisions that Chris and I need to make, and many things that we won't be certain that will pan out until we actually get to the point where we will either be sinking or swimming. However- we started looking forward to finding out the sexes of our two little babies that are nestling, not so quietly, inside of my expanding body.
The day of our finding out finally came at the butt end of a terrible week for Chris and I. Of course you can read about mine below, but Chris had three major tests and not much time to study. Lenore, by three year-old standards, even had a little bit of a tough week. Anyhow, Friday rolls around and I leave work lickity-splitz! I scoop up Daddy and the wee- bar'n and we drop her off with my sister and merrily head to the doctor's office. I- like a good girl- follow doctor's orders and arrive with a full, 32 oz. bladder. I check in and then I sit, and wait, and wait, and wait. I wait until I think I might really pee my pants as I patiently watch every person who came before and after me empty the waiting room area. Finally- it's my turn.
Chris and I happily get up and then they say "Sorry, but you wait out here until later. Okay?!" I was irritated because he got to go in when we were pregnant with Lenore and he got to watch the whole ultra sound. Whatever. I go in and then let her put the warm goo all over my stomach and then I stair at a wall for about an hour. Yeah- twins do take longer, so I was told. Then I go call in Chris and that's when we finally get to have some questions answered, and at least plan for one thing. The ultra-sound tech took us briefly through some of the major stuff- heartbeat, head, spine and then begins to show us the babies "junks". We look at baby A and she says "You see this? This little thing sticking out? I think this one is a boy." Okay? Then we scan the second baby. "Okay. So you see this little area? " ...as she hovers quickly around some grainy darkness..."See? Nothing there. I think this one is a girl. Of course- not 100%, okay? Can't be totally sure, okay? But that's just what I think." Uggh.
So- yet another thing not to be sure about. This is getting annoying. I am actually considering going to one of the weirdo 3-D places just so that we can know something for sure.
Sorry- the only thing that we can tell everyone for sure is that we "think" we are having a boy and a girl. Just not sure. That would make three Jensen boy's with two girls and one boy each. Stranger things have happened.
Frustrations All I ever Wanted!
Perhaps now- when I am riddled with pregnancy hormones and am tired is not the best time to be venting my frustrations, but I feel I must. Of course, those of you who are uninterested in this frequent complaint should just turn away now.
I am really, really tired of being a teacher. Let me rephrase that. I am really, really tired of being paid to work in the public school sector. I would not exactly call what I do as being a teacher because about 45% of the time in class I spend telling kids to sit down, stop talking, get back to work, or when it gets really bad writing referrals. I honestly love teaching. I entered the teaching profession with the desire of working in the most economically depleted schools and turning gangsters into lovers, or at least tolerators, of literature. I have found that in the 6 years I have been teaching that not only do I not have the power to change the wayward kids, but that truthfully speaking, learning is not their concern. I used to think "they act out because their teachers are boring" or "...because they don't understand and no one has taken the time to teach them." I was painfully wrong. I am just one teacher who, in the series of teachers with this student, has tried and been unsuccessful in helping them enact change. For example, just today I had a teacher/parent conference that was similar to an intervention. I felt terrible for this parent, truthfully- I would have hated to be surrounded by my child's teachers telling me that my kid was causing so many problems- yet there we were trying to be as tactful as possible. And even after that, when I saw the kid later in the day he called me a B***#$ simply because I asked and made him throw some paper away.
I am not sure what the answer is. I do not know what I can do to increase the student productivity and lessen the liars, cheaters, stealers, and bargainers. I gave away licorice today to one period if they finished just part of an assignment which consisted of 2 sentences. Most didn't do the work and 2 walked out. I even found a piece of licorice on the floor. To me that licorice symbolized all of my pain and efforts. It was treated disrespectfully and crassly just like I am. To make it worse, because of the way I am being treated on a daily basis, I am becoming more and more short with Lenore. I hardly talk to her when I see her in the afternoons. I even made her cry recently because I gave her a look that scared her after she had done something that any normal 3 year-old would do. My conversations with her, as of late, have become that of short, terse comments filled with sighs and frustration.
It is my firm opinion that all individuals who wish to become teachers should have two majors. Because once you have dedicated 5-6 years to pursuing your dream and then you realize it's a nightmare- by then it is too late. You have already invested all of that time and money. Plus- most schools do not make you do student teaching until you are in the last stretch of your credential. We are lead, with guilt ridden quotes, like lambs to the slaughter. For example, here is one of my favorite one's: "A teacher is like a candle. She consumes herself to light the way for others." What comes out at the end is a person who feels like they are terrible at everything because it bleeds into the rest of your life. A terrible teacher, mom, wife, church member, etc. I am not looking for sympathy. I know what needs to be done- I just need to suck it up! Tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately these days seem to be more and more frequent. Maybe I should switch careers. Are there any jobs out there where people consistently like you and are grateful for all the hard work you do? Perhaps they even say an occasional thank you, or reward you with a donut. No?! Oh well- I might as well stay a teacher for now, that is until I hit the jack pot with my quick pick Lotto numbers.
"Hijole!"
Well- we've been mulling over whether to do this or not because we are very cautious people. We also seem to have average to below average luck so we don't like to test the fates. But we figured it's time to let the truth out. We are (I am really, not Chris) pregnant.
Of course, as many of our friends and family know, we are unable to have kids on our own and so we use modern medicine. When we try to conceive, it's very romantic. Just me, Chris and the nurse in a florescent lit santized hospital room. I get heart palpitations just thinking of it.
Anyhow...infertility worked with Lenore (eventually) and we had been trying for a year again when I was finally granted the insurance possibility to begin infertility treatment once more. I was sure that it would take several months, but we got lucky our first time. In fact it is my belief that God grew tired of us messing with his system, and hearing our (my) complaints and so instead of granting us one other child, He has "blessed" us with two. Yup- it's twins.
Of course, anyone in their right mind would feel more pity for us rather than happiness, but we understand that this is a blessing and are grateful. I am especially grateful to not ever have to go through shots, hormones and the worry of "will this time be the tim
e?".It's still pretty early, about 3 months, so anything can happen but so far everyone looks happy and healthy so we thought we'd take our chances. Plus I look about as big as I did at 5 months and I am too vain to have anyone thinking that I am getting this fat of my own will.
We hope all are well and happy in this early part of the New Year. The only thing, apparently, that you can ever really count on is unsuspecting change.
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