My Musings

Today, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. My aunty’s husband, he’s from Taiwan btw, pulled me aside to talk to me about what I want to do now that I’m jobless.

He asked me, ‘Why did you choose to be in pharma in the first place?’. I replied and said its because of the money. I was quite taken aback when he said that I’m getting it wrong. He said that I shouldn’t choose what I do because of the money. For example, some job hop a lot to get raises. But in the end they don’t stay long enough in a job to develop themselves fully. It’s just half and half of everything.

He had a point. At my age, I shouldn’t be chasing after money. I’m not suffering, I don’t have people depending on me to feed them. I should be spending time developing my character and my skills. I should also be exploring my options in life. Who cares if I fail again and again? I have 6 years till I turn 30.

He mentioned my uncle as an example. He’s a lawyer, doesn’t get raises often. But is great at his job. What does the company do? Give him a fat annual bonus of RM300k last year. He said that if you are really developed, money will come to you.

I’m clear about what I need to do for the next 6 years.

Does silence make you uncomfortable? I know for some, they feel obligated to create conversation when it seems too quiet. Some even get uneasy when only one person out of a whole group is quiet.

I personally enjoy it when a friend or my significant other can sit side by side in silence. I don’t need a conversation to go on forever. Just their presence is more than enough. Does anyone understand what I mean?

I have come across very few people who are comfortable around me when I’m silent. Most of the time, people will ask me if I’m okay. I don’t know why but I would get slightly annoyed at that. I want to be able to get lost in my thoughts without people thinking that I’m upset with them.

What’s funny is, I find that I treat others the way I’d want to be treated. Silence could also be a cry for attention and I quite often overlook it. So while I happily find pleasure when there’s no conversation, the other person might be getting frustrated with my lack of initiative to care for them.

So, if you’ve ever felt like I’m neglecting you, I am terribly sorry. This post might help you understand that I’m not an insensitive bastard.

I don’t know why but my iTunes keeps playing suicidal music today. Getting so emotional these days. Maybe I should seek treatment to get rid of all my feelings once and for all. Too many suicidal thoughts.

There are too many goodbyes to bid. To my bosses, my colleagues, my clients, as well as some assholes I don’t bother about but I desperately need to sever all ties with them. I’ve made really close friends in this company. Never thought I would be able to bond with people this well outside of my circle of high school friends. What I’m happy about here is that we will be seeing a lot of each other after this.

I’m supposed to be writing a thank you and goodbye letter to my whole company, but still haven’t gotten round to it. It’s not wrong to procrastinate here because I’m not ready to leave yet. Ah well.

There’s one more goodbye though. One that I’ll leave till the end of time. Never want to say goodbye, even though its becoming really toxic to me. I can only say goodnight…

Yep, this is me reaching out from my bed. How lazy can I get? Today’s trigger was from a chat on Viber.

Timing. It’s so crucial in relationships. You could have had something amazing with someone, but bad timing killed it. Timing could make or break the forming of relationships.

All my life, I’ve handled timing fairly well. I’m punctual most of the time and I’m able to estimate time with excellence. I’m THAT good. Unfortunately for me, it doesn’t work well in my relationships. God is fair.

I tend to feel bad about things that aren’t within my control, a bad habit I should get rid of. I felt quite upset about bad timing tonight. You know, why wasn’t I doing this that time, why was I so caught up with whatever. But as usual, did some thinking and arrived to the conclusion that it’s pointless being worked up over such things. It’s all in the past, and people shouldn’t dwell there.

The religious would say that it’s in God’s plan. This is probably the belief to help me move along.

It’s been a year since my last post, this is a surprise visit. Since the last post, my life has been nothing short of eventful.

I got out of THE relationship. i call it THE relationship because I’ve never experienced a love so intense and consuming. I’ve been searching for ways to get it out of my system, but I guess you can never FULLY get over someone. My heart holds little bits and pieces of all my previous lovers, stuff that can never fade over time. It amazes me how much I still love and miss you.

Since life is not all about lovers. I’ve made new and promising friendships along the way. I’ve labeled them and put them into boxes. Hi-bye friends, party friends, confidants. You name them, you got them. All of this friend making has recently come to a halt. I somehow slipped into my antisocial self and I don’t know how long this will last. Turning down invitations, occupying myself so much that it’s easier to say no. I much rather enjoy my own company at this point of time. Maybe that’s what brought me here, a one-way communication seems more appealing.

Guess what? I’ve quit my pharma job, last day on the 30th of April. I did not see this coming, but one day I woke up and decided I was not enjoying what I was doing anymore. Not because I’m not doing well, I am. I just felt that I needed a fresh change. While I was considering quitting my job, my father talked to me over lunch and asked me to join him in business. So guess where I’m heading after this? 🙂

Turbulent and trying times now, I’m viewing them positively. I’m actually very excited! Will be on a hiatus for the whole of May, a break is much needed. Will write soon xx.

Its not easy to justify your actions. And I’m no longer a college kid so I guess that makes it a lot harder. I did what I did because of not one, but a few reasons.

But when that person doesn’t wanna hear you out anymore, all those reasons will sound like lame excuses.

If things were meant to happen, they’d already have.

If things already happened, and if they were meant to continue, they would have.

If things already continued, and if they were meant to last forever, …
Well, forever is just a lie. Maybe until you die. Not like you’re both gonna die at the same time.

If things happen, you’re on your way there. But you get all kinds of s*** thrown in your way later, you just don’t know it yet. If things don’t happen, they were never meant to happen. No matter how hard you try, how you bend over backwards to make it work, it will NOT work! Sometimes you just have to be happy that things didn’t work out.

If things do happen and keep happening, good for you! You survived all things bad and ugly, you stubborn mule! If they don’t, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t meant to last.

This is me when I’m rational, when my head isn’t in the clouds. Love is supposed to be in your heart, right? But your heart is a damn muscle. Your heart hurts because you’ve been watching too much tv. If the first person who discovered that love was in the crotch, then lust wouldn’t exist as a word. Then your crotch would hurt if you were crotch-broken.

I think love is in the head. So is rationality. So that’s why I get messed up sometimes. Sometimes it feels good being messed up. Sometimes it feels like I’m being stupid.

Okay I need to sleep.

我是男孩,我理解男孩的心情,我也知道在青春期的时候，我们对女孩,尤其是自己的女友充满了好奇.并且我们都在自己的内心里想过要偷尝禁果。

于是，我们会对自己的女友说出自己的想法,甚到提出性要求。而女孩呢,说真的,当女孩真的爱上男孩的时候,是愿意为男孩做任何的事情。她们为了满足她们心爱男孩的需要,为了不让心爱的男友失望，尽管她们的心里充满恐 惧，一些女孩还是会答应男友的要求。

我想知道的是在发生性关系的时候有多少男孩注意过自己的女孩的表情？在要发生的那一刻，她们脸上表现出来的多半是害怕,焦虑和不安，并不是满足和欲望！在这个时候的我们男孩又在注意什么呢？我们有没有注意到她们的表情？有没有想过她们当时的心里的感受？

我说了我也是男孩，因此，我知道,在那个时候我们最想做的就是让自己的欲望得到发泄,让自己很久的愿望得到实现.曾经我也和很多人一样,想要和自己爱的女孩发生那样的关系,并且向她提出了我的要求,像我说的那样她答应了。我知道当时的她并不知道那意味着什么,也不知道究竟要发生些什么。我猜当时的她只知道:”这是我男友的愿望,是他想要的,我就要满足他,只要他高兴就好。”女孩真的没有想过其他的事情。

就在我就要进入她体内的时候,我抬起头看了她一眼,当我看到她那双无辜的眼睛紧紧的闭着的时候,我突然发现自己是那么的禽兽不如,难道我曾经对她说过的那些海誓山盟,许下的那些誓言.通通都是在骗她吗 我真的爱她吗 我感觉得到她在发抖 我知道她很害怕 于是我轻轻的爬在她的耳边问了她一句:”你害怕吗?”她睁开眼睛看着我,我看得到她的泪,她点点头.接着我又说了一句:”那我们还是不要做了.~~~~我又再一次看到了，我爱的她美丽的笑容,她抱住了我开心的说了一句:”我爱你!”我突然间觉得很开心,很快乐,这些通通胜过了满足我的欲望所能得到的快乐,我发现那个也并不是很重要了,我还有更重要的,那就是她,我最爱的宝贝. ………………………………一个好男孩的故事,很让人感动

我说我的故事只是想说一点,当女孩爱上男孩的时候，她们愿意为我们做任何的事情,付出任何的代价而且也不会后悔,但是，我们做为男人是不是也应该为她们做一点事情？学会爱护她们、尊重她们、关心她们，也让她们为拥有我们真挚的爱开心呢?

I’ve loved and lost.

I feel so sick in the stomach now. I don’t wanna choose you because there are so many becauses.

I’m leaving you.
No you ain’t.
Come back.

Here we go again.