See you again

...cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Try

Growing up, you are told what you can do, what you cannot do and what you absolutely must not think of doing. Then, you grow and realize that there's a lot with which you don't agree - that you are always being put in a situation you fear most, hate most, upset most and the list goes on. That you would rather have fewer friends instead of having to fit yourself with non genuine people, that you would rather go out alone than having to pretend to be with someone. 

And then you learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to let you down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others. You cry over fights and feel absolutely miserable about it. You were told all pretty words but it doesn't feel pretty at all. They tear you when you are at your weakest. It's coming back again. 

Same shit, just different days. 

Welcome, quarter life crisis.

All of me

It is a truth that the people who have often made the biggest impacts on my life don't know it, and so they are constantly hurting you most. It has been a very difficult and emotionally tumultuous couple of weeks. For the first time I 'd let my anger out at work which kinda worsen things. I guess it must have took a lot to push me over the edge - with all the crushing dissatisfactions, discriminations and overwhelming disappointments that are going on, I just had to lose it. What being my worst heartache is that I didn't expect that my independence and good intention of avoiding to be my superior's burden would result in the sense of unappreciative distance. Don't they know that even a headstrong Superman sometimes need to feel some care and dependency, receiving supports and feeling the connection with each other? I have given up trying to figure out what's wrong with me because it's just mind fucking tiring.

Say Something

Pain feels even more painful, not knowing where I'm going to end or if there is even a way out. Whenever I find myself emotional weak, I tell myself to sleep on it. But I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling as though I just fell into a long, dark tunnel. The feeling is vulnerable, deep and almost unbearable. They can't seem to breathe at a normal wave length.

What's Inside

Tonight I find the need to put things down in words again because I can't possibly cope with all the emotions anymore.

I have had a string of what felt like bad lucks, which tear my heart open in the shortest time. When I look back over my life, I blame myself. My weaknesses, my carelessness, my stubbornness and maybe of all things is my stupidity. I'd come so far to realize all the efforts of mine being made were finally paying off, and that I have successfully moved on from the dark phase of my life but they choses to rip me apart. I have been crying all day now because I don't know how to go about detaching myself from these series of pain, and no longer see the stronger side of me. I'm becoming impartial, exhausted and hateful, and for a while I thought it was all part of growing up. But actually, the problem lies in being weak, in having to judge responsibilities over happiness, in being too proud to admit my limitation towards a certain relationship, in being too doubtful to realize within me there is still some capacity to engage in battles and win them well. These distortions have been affecting me for too long and making me feel as if the world around me is being shaken violently. Just my luck.

Fifty Shades.

I peel back an old layer of memory each time I write here.
















Laters.