Despite my best efforts...

... my kids keep growing. Here they are at 7 1/2, 5 1/2, 2 1/2, and 1/2 year.

Our Month in the NICU, in detail...

I just finished reading all 50 or so of my Grandpa Scott's blog posts. His last one was titled "Hope" and was written 3 months before he passed away. I miss my Grandpa and love to hear his voice come through all the posts he wrote in the last few years of his life. Some are about everyday things like the health benefits of pomegranates! Others tell of his time as a POW in WWII. I am amazed at the details my Grandpa remembered from his time in the army. Reading them has reinforced my already strong desire to keep a better record of my life. I don't know that my grandkids will be especially interested in the ins and outs of my days. But journal writing has always been therapeutic for me at the present time, and entertaining, inspiring, or helpful when I've looked back at what I've written in the past.

So pretty much for my own future reference I want to write more details about the boys' month in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. Anyone but Jonny and me would most likely find this pretty boring. So if you are that anyone else, an abbreviated version of the story is told through my phone pictures included here. Actually though, another family going through this same type of situation with teaching babies to nurse in the NICU would possibly find this helpful and encouraging. I know I would have. So maybe I can refer someone to this post someday and I'll be glad I had written specifics.

During the month they were in the NICU I visited the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center every morning and every evening. I'd get there in time for their 10:00 "cares" and stay til 12:00 or so when I'd hurry home to pick up my kids from wherever they were being babysat and get Evy down for her nap. Then I'd go back to Provo every evening and stay from 7-9ish.* Once or twice a week Jonny went with me in the evening. (I remember the walk from the parking garage to the elevator seemed so so long the first few days. I was still recovering from a vaginal delivery and C-Section, and my body was really taking its time. By the end of the month I was speed walking it, and often took a slightly longer route that took me outside so I could enjoy the sunshine for a minute or two. It's still amazing to me that my body was able to recover relatively quickly. Those first few days after the birth were the most physically painful I've ever experienced. I truly wondered if I'd ever be back to walking, talking, laughing, crying, or even breathing without pain!)

The first week I learned to help with the babies' "cares" by taking temperatures and changing diapers. Then I'd just hold the them while they were getting my pumped breast milk through a tube. I often held them "skin to skin" and loved this snuggle time. I believe it was by the beginning of the second week that the boys were both on low flow nasal cannulas so Annie, the OT, helped me get started on teaching my preemies to nurse. For the remainder of the month my visits went like this:

Upon arriving at Nursery B, I'd check in with the nurse caring for the boys that shift, arrange two rocking chairs in front of the boys' cribs, curtain off our area, and start on Daniel's cares. Then I'd weigh him (first I had to unplug all the his cords and tubes). Next I'd nurse (or try to) for up to 20 minutes. (Any longer than that would wear us both out.) If he wasn't too sleepy during the nursing and I was convinced he got a little milk, I'd weigh him again. One gram on the scale is equal to 1 ml of breastmilk. The boys were getting 40-60 ml every feeding. If Daniel nursed at least 2/3 of his allotted feeding, we'd call it good. If not, I'd either try to give him the rest through a bottle or, if he was just too sleepy, he'd get the rest through the gavage tube. And by then it'd be high time for me to get started with Michael, and I'd go through the same procedure with him. Because neither baby nursed enough to relieve my abundant milk supply, I would pump after feeding Michael. (Sometimes I multi-tasked by pumping while holding him and he had the remainder of his feeing through the tube.) There were only a few times in the three weeks of this that either boy got his full feeding from nursing. Test weights would vary from 5 grams difference to 30 or 40. I was ecstatic when they'd nurse that much, and pretty discouraged when they got nearly nothing from me. (I wouldn't even do a second test weight if I could tell the baby didn't nurse much. Lots of the time my big preemies were just too sleepy to give it much gusto. I would watch carefully and listen for swallowing to know if the feeding session warranted a second test weight.) It was physically and emotionally exhausting.  Some lactation specialists were thrilled with their slow progress, while others worried me with their opinions that giving the babies bottles at all would make it harder for them to really learn to nurse. There was lots of doubting, hoping, and praying on my part. I really wanted my babies to nurse. And I really really really wanted them home.

One evening, about three weeks into our stay, the boys both nursed so well that I stayed the night to see if they could keep it up and move on to the next stage. After three excellent feedings in a row, I was planning our departure for the nest day or two! But then when I tried to nurse them in the morning, the babies were completely exhausted. For the next few days they were too tired to even nurse or bottle feed at all! I felt like we had taken a huge step backward. The nurses explained that we probably just pushed them too hard over the weekend and their little bodies needed to recover. This made me wonder if they'd ever be able to come home! The nurses kept reminding me that they hadn't even reached their due date yet, but there was little consolation in this for me since I never considered they'd actually have to stay that long. Anyway, through the experience that weekend I learned that we really did just have to be patient and wait until the boys were ready to take it all on. Yes, they were big babies (both over 7 pounds by that point) and yes, they were healthy. But they were born early and were having to work extra hard when they should've still been floating and relaxing inside my tummy. So I decided to ease up on them and wait for their signal that they were ready to go.

We were soon approaching the boys' one month birthday. I had finally resigned myself to the fact that we really might be there another few weeks. But then, quite suddenly, progress sped up. I came in to Nursery B one Friday morning to find the head nurse with her rolling desk near our corner. She was getting things going for discharge! (I remember seeing Jenny, the nurse, working on her computer while holding Daniel. I asked her if he was fussing and she said, "No, I just wanted to hold him! He's so cute." I was touched by this. And it was a novelty that he could be held away from his bed since he'd been unplugged from monitors and oxygen for only a few days.) The boys were nursing and bottle feeding wonderfully, and just like that we were signing papers and doing car seat checks! I was ecstatic. That very day marked one month since their birth. If the boys continued to eat well, we'd leave the following day, a Saturday. We made plans for the older kids at Grandma's house and Jonny came to spend the night at the NICU, which is protocol so we could learn about Michael's oxygen monitor. We were giddy to think ours boys would be home so soon! But we were also a little nervous. Could we really take care of them on our own!? In the past we were used to bringing newborns straight home with us after birth. But now they'd been cared for by professionals for the entire first month of their lives. I was also overwhelmed by the big task still ahead of weaning them from the bottle to breastfeeding exclusively. (And regulating my milk supply to match their needs. I was making just way too much milk for them at the time! They sent us home with 50 8 oz bottles of my frozen milk. I had about half that much in my freezer at home as well.)

After an exhausting night for all four of us in the cramped "sleep in" room, we were packing up! Within a few hours both boys were buckled in their carseats in our Sienna. Jonny hopped in his truck and we were on our way home. All of us! I could hardly believe there were two babies in the van with me. I cried and smiled all the way home. I knew a brand new challenge was about to begin, and but couldn't be more excited to take it on.

The next month was indeed a challenge as I worked on nursing with the babies. My mom helped out during the daytime for the first two weeks, as each feeding I would nurse one, bottle feed one, then pump. Every few days I switched out a bottle feeding for a nursing session. And by the third week I was ready to tandem feed all but two feedings a day, which I pumped and gave bottles. (This was recommended by the doctor so they could get a scoop of supplemental formula for preemies in those two bottles.) Nursing was exhausting and it wasn't easy to juggle both babies as we all got the hang of tandem nursing. (While they were small I nursed one cross cradle and the other resting with his head on the tummy of his brother in football hold. This was tricky to get set up and to burp mid-feed, so it was nice when they were a little bigger and I nursed both in football hold.) But within a month or so we were really in a good groove. By the second or third month we were all pros and had a great schedule, which we are still currently using. (I nurse the boys every four hours and once at night. It only takes 15ish minutes to feed them. Imagine how much time I am saving! If I were bottle feeding it would take me 30 minutes to pump, then another 15-20 to give the bottles. With my three other kids to tend to, that time just isn't available to me!)

Teaching my premature twin boys to nurse was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. But also one of the most rewarding. I love to see their little heads touching as they gulp away, getting all that wonderful milk that my body naturally and miraculously produces just for them. Their hands very often meet as they nurse, something that touches my heart every single time I see it. I feel so blessed to have these darling, sweet, happy, giggly, healthy boys in my life. I smother them with kisses by day and thank Heaven for them by night. I heard one mom of twins recently say that she feels like she won the lottery with her twin girls. I feel the same way. My hands are full, but so is my heart. I'm so thankful to have my "quiver full" and be living my childhood dream of being a mom. It's more difficult and more sweet than I ever imagined. I am a mother to five of Heavenly Father's beautiful children, and there's nothing in the world I'd rather be.


*That's about 2 hours total of driving per day. During the drive I munched on snacks and treats and listened to a book by Wilkie Collins, The Queen of Hearts. This was exactly what I needed to keep my mind occupied and not cry all the way home or all the way there! I was worried when there was only one chapter left in my book, and the boys were not on the launch pad yet. But things happened quickly the next day or two and I happened to finish the very last chapter of the book almost exactly as I arrived at the hospital for the last time. The next time I got in the van I had two baby boys with me. I saw that experience not so much as a coincidence, but as a tender mercy.

Songs for my Boys

The boys' lullabies have been in the works since I sat rocking them in the NICU. Composing two took me a lot longer than the usual one at a time I've been used to. I was stuck for quite a while! Plus, every time I tried to come up with something all I could think of was Michael "rowing his boat ashore" and Daniel "traveling tonight on a plane."

Originally I was set on their songs having distinct melodies. (I always loved that the songs my mom wrote for Em and me were unique and individual. Twins will understand that...) But I just could not come up with two tunes that I loved. Every time I tried they sounded almost exactly the same! Or one was great and the other was just blah. So I decided on one tune and separate but parallel lyrics for each boy. They have to share a Melody in real life, I figure they'll be okay sharing a melody in their songs as well!

Daniel Baby, Daniel Buddy

I'm so glad you're home tonight.

Daniel Baby, Daniel Buddy

Here where I can hold you tight.

Sleep my baby, Sleep my buddy

Dream of clouds in skies so blue.

Dream of sunsets til the sunrise.

Dream and know that I love you.

Michael Baby, Michael Buddy

                            Snuggle up, it's time to sleep.

Michael Baby, Michael Buddy

I'm so glad you're mine to keep.

Sleep my baby, Sleep my buddy

Dream of sunshine on the sea.

Dream of mountains under moonlight.

Dream and know you're loved by me.

Both songs reference how happy I am that they are at home, not in the hospital far away from me. Being apart from my newborn babies was one of the most challenging experiences in my life. It's been four months since we brought them home, and every day when I sing these songs I'm still so very glad they are home in my arms. We love these giggly, smiley, sweet boys more than words can possibly say.

 (Daniel left, Michael right in the first two.
Michael left, Daniel right in the one below.)

P.S. I should note that the use of the word "buddy" was probably influenced by the "Vampire Buddies" song Julia had been learning for the 2nd Grade Halloween Program. We had all been singing her song around the house, replacing all the "vampires" for "babies." ("They are my babies, they are my buddies. They are my baby buddies!")

A Blessing Day and a Birthday

Jonny blessed Daniel and Michael in church on October 19, 2014 - exactly 30 years since the day Emily and I were born. I truly can't think of a better birthday present than being surrounded by family and holding each sweet boy while the other was given a blessing. It's still surreal to me that I have two baby boys. Our days and nights can be quite exhausting, but many times throughout each day I stop to stare at their little faces, kiss their chubby cheeks, caress their little hands, and marvel at the fact that they are mine. Oh how we love our Daniel Jeffrey and Michael Eugene. 

 Birthday girls and blessing boys! 

Here they are lookin' happy:

 Here they are lookin' tough:

My Grandma Julie joined us for a picture of three generations of moms of multiples. She lost her twin girls 5 months along in the pregnancy. Someday in the next life all of we twins will meet up and we'll have another party! 

 Two babies call for two traditional "Nightmares!"

Although Julia is not pictured here, rest assured that she is as crazy about her brothers as her siblings are. I think she was off riding her bike through the neighborhood and singing at the top of her lungs when we took these pictures :) 

We adore our Baby Buddies.

"Babies Home! Cutie, Cutie!"

It was a week ago today we brought Daniel and Michael home from the NICU at UVRMC, after their 4.5 week stay. That will forever be a precious day in my memory. The older kids were playing with cousins and grandparents all day so Jonny and I had the quiet house to ourselves. Oh, and a few baby boys. Crazy! It kinda felt like the days we brought all our other babies home from the hospital. (Especially since it was a Friday or Saturday for all three, and they were about the same size and gestational age as the twins.) We settled in and set up shop here in our living room with bassinets, bouncer seats, swings, a changing station on the ottoman, etc. It is babyland! (Reminds me a lot of what Emily's house looked like when her triplets were new.) We may be crowded, but we love it. So so so glad to have these boys home where they belong. 

My mom and dad brought the kids home in the evening. Julia came in first and rushed to the bassinets to swoon over the babies. Gabe beamed from ear to ear. But Evy's greeting was my favorite. As soon as she saw them she exclaimed, "Babies home! Cutie, Cutie!" (Only she pronounced it "Cootie, Cootie!") 

Thus began our lives with five kids in our home. That still blows my mind. (But hopefully it doesn't literally do that. We have low expectations for sleep and sanity. So we can only be pleasantly surprised when we get a good amount of either of those!) As far as the nights go, right now Jonny and I are each taking a a half-night shift with the boys in the living room. Jonny heads to bed between 8 and 9 pm and I stay out with the babies until he takes over at 2am. They've been waking up to eat at night every 3-5 hours. It can be tricky to to feed both babies at once by oneself in the middle of the night, but it gets done. 

And now for show and tell...

Here is our big corner of Nursery B at the NICU. It was pretty nice, actually. When we curtained it off I felt like we had our own deluxe suite. 

Daniel

It was finally time to actually leave! Lots of pictures and goodbyes and thankyous. 

And then there were five

Julia had been dying to feed one of them from a bottle. They are awesome eaters and are big boys. Daniel weighs just over 8 pounds and Michael just over 7. For now they take turns nursing every other feeding. Hopefully before too long we will get this tandem nursing thing down and the feeding process can be simplified to one step rather than three. (Nurse one, bottle one, pump. Big thanks to my mom who has been helping out during the day.) I think that'll be a lot easier to do once Michael is untethered from all his cords. And that should really be pretty soon. He is on the lowest level of oxygen possible and should be on room air within a week or so, I believe. 

Michael

Daniel

These lucky boys are loved by many cousins, aunts, uncles, and Grandparents...

To name a few: 

the Pecks 

Nana Jan

Grandma Myra

Aunt Emma and Bear

Aunt Rudi

I was really hoping we'd be home by Labor Day. And here we are picnicking in the backyard, not the NICU family lounge like I thought might happen. I love being home. 

And I LOVE my babies.