2009

In my opinion, January has always been an odd month. I think it's because everyone gets so worked up during the holidays, when it's finally time to resume normalcy, life seems a bit mundane. Christmas is like a drug. We are injected with 20 c.c.'s of liquid happy and when it wears off, ta-da, it's January 8th and you've already cheated on your New Years resolution.

I try to make my resolutions practical so I don't need to exert myself more than necessary. For instance, this year I resolved to try three new food and knocked it out in one meal. I tried a Cesar salad, crab cakes and Gorgonzola cheese. I didn't care for any of them. Am I happy I tried them? Not really.

I sort of feel bad for January. When I am knee deep into July or August I usually say to myself, "remember when it was January?" Sadly, no. I do not. It's tough being the first of anything because so much is expected yet so easily forgotten.

Unlike most of the January's past, I have enjoyed two highlights: Niel Diamond and unseasonable warmth. Thank you January.

Josh

Christmas Torture

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to Christmas music on the radio. I kind of zoned out or something because I came to the realization that there are a lot of Christmas songs that are stupid. Not that I am the Grinch and my heart is two sizes too small. It's just that when it comes to Christmas, everyone from the California Raisins to William Hung, produces horrible, horrible holiday music. Happy birthday Jesus... hope you like crap.

Personally, I prefer the classics sung by the Rat Pack, Andy Williams, Stevie Wonder, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald. Talk about class. They perfected their art and truly captured the spirit of Christmas. They stuck with the great songs. Here are five songs I find mind-numbingly stupid this time of year:

Merry Christmas America - When I hear this song it makes me understand why other countries hate Americans. This song brilliantly summarizes everything that's wrong with our view of Christmas.

Christmas Shoes - Crap set to music.

Santa Baby - Porn set to music.

The Chipmunk Song - What foul being unleashed this garbage upon us? Who was it? Was it you Satan?

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime - The grand-daddy of them all! This is not only a rotten Christmas song, it's one of the worst songs ever made. I would rather listen to the Macarena, Mambo #5 or Who Let the Dogs Out? If this is what life during Christmas is all about, I gladly welcome death. The hatred I have for this song burns with the fire of a thousand suns.

I'm sure there are more Christmas songs out there that I have joyfully erased from my memory. If you can think of others that should be on my list, please share. Merry Christmas!

Josh

It's Broken

I broke my wrist and I wish I had a cool story of how I broke it. Sure, I could tell people that I broke it training to become the next Ultimate Fighting Champion, but who would believe that? Maybe a few gullible junior high students. No, I broke my wrist being stupid. I was rough housing at a kiddie gym with high school students attending a birthday party for a one year old two weeks ago.

I didn't realize I had broken my wrist because it wasn't swollen but finally came to terms that I needed to go to the doctor when I was climbing into my attic to fetch our Christmas gear when I felt a horrible pain in my hand. Three day later, I had my doctor recommend x-rays and sure enough, my wrist has a tiny fracture.

I was then given three options. I could wear a cast for 6 weeks, a brace for 3 weeks or do nothing. I opted for nothing until the doctor told me my wrist could heal improperly and that could have a negative effect on my golf game. It was a no brainer. Bring on the brace.

My doctor referred me to a prosthetics office where I tried on a fancy wrist guard made out of wet suit material. It was comfortable until the lady behind the office counter informed me that it would cost $97.50. I couldn't help but crack up. The lady wanted to know what was so funny so I told her, "I thought I just heard you say that this was going to cost ninety-seven dollars and fifty cents." She informed me that I had heard her correctly and that's when I said, "Do you know...that our country is currently in a recession?" She didn't seem to care. I took off the brace, placed it on the counter and "went to get my wallet out of the car." I left. However, I did purchased a brace at the drug store for $15.99. Now who's stupid?

It was taken me half a day to type this little story using only one hand so if there are any typo's, give me a break. Pun intended!

Josh

Thanks and No Thanks

I love Thanksgiving. Christmas is fun but it's been over hyped so much that it's lost it's luster. However, Thanksgiving is the one holiday you can't sell and it's because of that, I am truly grateful. God has blessed me with so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful wife and an amazing son whom I love more than anything in the world, food in my belly and a roof over my head. There's a lot I am thankful for and I have complied a short list of things I have discovered over the past year that I am thankful for:

Thank you air travel - This year I've traveled to Orlando, Chicago, Maui and Las Vegas. It's hard to anticipate what kind of experience you are going to have when you fly and regardless of a few inconveniences, I made it home safe and sound. No thanks for driving south. I've had horrible traffic the past three times I've driven over the grapevine. I actually had to put my can in park on numerous occasions.

Thank you Cormac McCarthy for writing "The Road" because it's the best book I have ever read in my life! I have never been so happy and sad to have finished reading a book before, but it happened. No thanks for the book, "Starving Jesus." It was 200 pages of judgement.

Thank you Coldplay for Viva La Vida!! I've listened to that album everyday for the last three months. Every track is remarkable. Also, thank you for Sara Bareilles because she is the best singer/song writer I've heard in a long time. No thanks for anyone on American Idol.

Thank you for The Dark Knight. Not only was it a great superhero movie, it was a deep, complex, intriguing and intelligent film. One of the few movies I've seen where I wanted to stay for the next showing. Heath Ledger did for the Joker what Johnny Depp did for Jack Sparrow. I thought about his performance for days. No thanks for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Indy is now dead to me.

Thank you, Lost for being the best show on television. I've loved you since the beginning and now I finally have my wife addicted. Nothing on TV is better. Thank you for 30 Rock. It's the funniest show since Arrested Development. No thanks for 2 and a Half Men. Why people watch this instead of 30 Rock or the Office is confusing.

Thank you AT&T for the marvel that is U-Verse. You freed me for the cable monopoly and save me money. Sorta thanks to the service man who set it up. He sucked, however he did provide me with all the premium channels free for a year. No thanks to Brighthouse for making me return their stupid DVR.

Thank you Boulder Canyon for making the best BBQ kettle chips in the world! Made with all natural ingredients they're the best I've tried. The first time I tried them, I ate the whole bag. No thanks Kettle brand kettle BBQ chips. Compared to Boulder Canyon, they're rotten.

Finally, thank you for humoring me and reading my blog. All 3 for you! I try to make it entertaining by giving you an honest look at my life. Happy Thanksgiving!


Josh

What happens in Vegas...

...usually stays in Vegas, but not this time. I wasn't busted for drugs or marry a cocktail waitress or loose a small fortune shooting craps at the Mirage. I'm not THAT stupid. However, I did make a fool out of myself in the Las Vegas air port and that is the story I want to share with you. I apologize if it's offensive to you but it's all true. I promise.



My friend Eric and I went on a retreat with a few other youth pastors a couple of weeks ago. The retreat was held on a house boat on Lake Mead. Lake Mead is a huge lake located 30 miles east of Vegas, on the Nevada/Arizona boarder. It's a beautiful lake. Instead of driving the 6 hours from Bakersfield, we flew to Vegas from Burbank.



The retreat was great because it gave me a chance to rest and relax for a few days and eat like a king. When Eric and I were going through the security check point, we split up into different lines. The line I was in was moving a bit faster when Eric shouts out to me, "Hey Josh! Don't forget to tell them about all those knives your hiding in your pants!" I give him an I-am-going-to-end-your-life-if-I-am-profiled look.


The lady behind me, who had to be in her late 20's, overheard what Eric yelled and she said to me, "Do you have a machete?" I look at her and reply, "Yeah, I have a machete...in my pants."


Realizing what I had just said. Out loud. To a woman. Not being my wife. I was mortified. What appeared to be a fluid security check point had halted into a stand still. Ironically, we were flying Southwest airlines and I felt as thought I was filming one of their television commercial. You know the, "Wanna get away?" ads. That was me!! The lady thought it was funny, so did Eric when I told him. So did my wife when I told her.


Josh