Its a brand new start

i miss you. i hate you. i like you. but i still can't say i love you. Love is too strong a word, and so is forever. I'm just too weak to carry these words. You can trust me, you can if you want. I just can't trust myself. I think this time round, its my turn. I really think I'm willing to do anything for you. I'm gonna pay it back. And lastly, I'm gonna put you as my priority.

I've never felt this jealous. Or am I being sensitive? Is my period cmg? Or am I just being paranoid? Idk why, but i'm just feeling like this. Tonight isn't a good night.

I'm starting to feel anxious for our meeting. I just dk why but i am. Originally excited, but I think I'm gonna be more of guilty. I'm really sorry. Idk what am I supposed to do to gain back your trust. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm never gonna get it back.

the world is falling apart

"my heart is breaking because your old self is showing, and my tears are dropping because you, my friend, has stopped caring"

am i afraid of you? idk if i am. you've become someone whom i'm unsure if i'm afraid. in the past i was definitely not, but now i'm unsure. please don't make me scared of you. you're changing back to your old self but now with stronger beliefs, which i'm afraid, will lead you nowhere.

how harsh would your lesson be so you'll finally learn?

Getting caught, right in the middle

whoa my previous posts all lika emotional only. nvm today not about love! today... about friends?

its pretty contradicting sometimes, i confess. me too, lie, apologise, bitch, laugh, get angry, whatever whatever; isn't it typical for girls our age right now? however, this is a different case. this is between them, their friendship that was once deeper than the sea. they've decided to break off this friendship because they find it hard to breathe, float up to the surface of the ocean and come clean with each other. thats it. the truth is all out. the truth hurts, but its all out. they've started the hatred, they couldn't understand each other at that moment, why? from what i know, she lied. she lied to her bestest friends and didn't want to explain. if she had explained, they could probably kept an eye closed and continued being friends. but she didn't. why? she probably didn't know why she did that either. she was probably confused, but she didn't give herself a chance to think and forgive herself. this was the best reason i could think of: she didn't forgive herself which was why she can't forgive her friends. nope i don't think her friends did anything wrong, idk if they did. but she can't forgive them because they can't understand. and they can't understand because she didn't explain, and because she didn't explain- she can't forgive herself.

it was pretty clear, she chose pride over friends. if she did it once, she will do it twice, thrice or a million times. i may sound biased because this was based on a one-sided story, but she didn't bother explaining, how can i not be biased?

when i heard someone being very affected by it: this showed that someone really treated you as a friend. she said she don't care anymore, but if she got affected badly proves that deep down she still cares. why? she feels as though she got cheated. why? because you kept her in the dark. why? because you didnt know how to explain. why? because you're unsure yourself.

my comments are based on only one side of the story. if i were to stand in her shoes, where im in a position i-know-i-didn't-do-anything-wrong (because she's still pretty confident), i would've told them everything (or maybe most things) so that no one would hate each other. i'm not saying that her friends will definitely accept her back but at least they'll stop hating on her and there'll be lesser misunderstandings right? why is it so hard to explain? unless my theory is right, you didn't know what you were doing. (if you had your hard times, you could've just told them.)

and i don't think by talking face to face would actually help.. her first sentences most likely would be "yall got problem with me is it", isn't it stupid? isn't it obvious? if she doesn't explain, there would definitely be problems, isn't it? whats the point of talking? its not as if they're gonna settle this (which they've alrdy tried once...)

or don't tell me the talk is between her friends and you... about all those names-calling and everything? like srsly? i thought it was settled alrdy.... and you clearly told me you understood the situation, not to trust her anymore wtvs. why do you keep eating back your words? i'm pretty disappointed.................................... i just hope you don't fall even deeper, sucks to see someone whom was always happy (even before you met her) collapsing for someone whom in the end you'll finally realise, was hurting you.

i'm sorry if i had offended anyone, just that twitter and facebook wasn't appropriate enough. i'm definitely gonna get "you're obviously siding them" again but

this is just how I feel. ME. not anyone else.

You

Dear blog.

I'm sorry I only remember and come to you only when I'm sad. But this proves you're the only one I could turn to when I'm down. Yes I'm down again.

Similarly to the previous post: same person, yes. You can say I'm down because of him, but literally not because of him! Someone told me smth about him, so he didn't make me upset- that someone did. Ok but its still because of him.

I'm learning to take things openly- i'm trying my best not to think about it but obviously I'm still thinking about it aye? So I plan to blog it out and get it off my mind.

Maybe all the actions that you made had to coincident with my sensitive thoughts. At that moment, you became "tired" right after we talked about a third person i like (which is you). That very moment made me think too much. I knew i think too much. I can't help it. But its a one sided love thing, isn't it? But I'm like a fucking retard, living in great denial. I knew you like pretty girls, but who doesn't? I am not pretty yet I am still holding on feelings. I am so damn stupid.

"Why do we adore the ones who ignore us, and ignore the ones who adore us?" - So fucking true.

I shall try my best from now onwards- to throw away this stupid feeling or leave it behind, whichever method i don't care. Friendship, is always better than strangers.

Although they say not to have any regrets.

A little faith will do

Life's actually pretty annoying at times............. When you've forgotten about your low self esteem and you saw a pretty cute and ideal guy, you'll naturally feel happy. Furthermore, you and him have a close connection- even though you weren't close with him in the past.

But thats the past. Right now you guys talk pretty much, but all of a sudden, probably some misunderstanding occurred and he becomes upset- and there comes your low self esteem back.

I mean, yes, i have a little bit of feelings for you. I didn't care about my self esteem yet. But because of your attitude today, you made me feel so ugly and unwanted. Its ok to be angry at me, but do you need to spoil your image in front of me? I thought you were really my ideal type, but ytd I heard you msg many girls, and today I saw with my eyes that you eyed at almost every pretty girl that boarded the bus. Yes I can't be compared to them but what, Its not my fault I have small eyes and curly messy hair. I want to be skinny too. I want to be tall too. I want to have straight hair too. But is it my fucking fault?

I'm so disappointed.... Why can't any guy just stick to a girl, or if you don't like this girl just simply don't give her the wrong signals?? Why the fuck do you want girls to misinterpret your feelings and like you, leaving them hurt and whatever? I really thought you were different, but fuck those stupid guys.

I hate my baby hair. I hate my small eyes. I hate my height. I hate my weight. Lastly, I hate my emotions. Crying.... is it always the best solution?