Hello, LiveJournal! So nice to see you.

Work is chug chug chugging along. It's October. One month of the school year is down the drain. It started pretty quickly - not quite full speed but hardly a slow grow. I'm glad for the income, because it sure is needed around these parts. Child care is expensive! I have three more school years' worth of day care/preschool before Tukey can go to public school. Freaking autumn birthdays! Whose idea was it to have that kid in November? (Answer: I thought it would take more than one try to get pregnant.)

Took the kids to see Sesame Street Live the other day and it was so super exciting. Tukey was way into dancing like a maniac after an initial major freak-out about the monsters/characters. I managed to convince him that they weren't going to touch him and he enjoyed the show after that. There was a point where a couple of dancers were dressed up as chocolate chip cookies and he said, "Those dancing cookies are made of GUYS!" which was pretty much the cutest thing I have ever heard in my life. August was still really into it too, the music and dancing and all that, which I was happy about because I was worried she'd be a little too old.

Fall is in full swing around here and we went apple picking and made a lot of applesauce and apple crisp. We have made and consumed squash pie. We solved the corn maze. The trees are starting to color and the sunrises and sunsets are brilliant rose. Soccer is soccering and is completely adorable. It is getting darker earlier and the nights are so chilly. We are getting some family pictures taken tomorrow by my friend's sister and I'm hoping for outdoor - so fingers crossed on the weather.

Punk is in swimming lessons and I'm committed to them until she can float/swim enough for emergency purposes. I don't need her to be a competitive swimmer, but we go to the lake and we go on boats and well, there are two of them and one of me so there needs to be some rudimentary swimming. She is not loving it but she is making progress and I am really glad for that. I am hoping that by next summer, she'll be a competent doggie-paddler. :)

Life around here is incredibly gogogo and I am perpetually behind but in the end, it's good. It is hard as heck to only have the kids half the time (especially now that school/work is on - the time is so short) and I miss them terribly. But life goes on.

And how are you?

Summer is over.
I am back at work.
Punk is back at school. First grade!
Tukey is in a new day care. Preschool(ish) room!
Soccer on Wednesday and Saturday.
Swimming on Friday.
Dentist appointments for both kids last week.
Doctor appointment for Punk this week.
Work changed over to electronic records and that is madness.
CHANGE IS HARD!
I miss the lazy, relaxed days of summer.
I miss our long, easy mornings to wake up.
I miss our adventures.
I miss the lake.

But we are still awesome.

Just one of those maudlin, introspective days.

Summer is half over.
My grandmother is in the hospital and will be discharged to rehab/nursing.
I never feel like I'm quite enough to anyone.

I am feeling like less of a mama these days now that I see my children so much less. I know that in my heart I am a mama 100% but it is just what it is, just a feeling. Sometimes I like to sit in my feelings a bit before breaking them apart and examining them. But really it's just a tough juggle of choices - I am happier, but my kids may be unhappier. That challenges my intrinsic ideas about mamahood. And about personhood. It's sort of a grey area for me.

A long time ago, when my grandfather was dying and my grandmother was recovering from surgery, I offered to move to RI with my kids and be her primary caretaker. My grandfather and uncle decided that it would be better if my uncle did it, and he has been doing so ever since. My uncle seems a bit burned out by this job (and it is a bog job!) and has made some IMO insensitive comments in front of my grandmother. It bothers me and I wish I could do more for her, more for them.

I guess on this maudlin day I'm just doubting my ability to do family the way I believe it should be done (not that there is a right way, there is just a way I'd like it to be). I want to do more and be more for my grandmother, for my aunt and uncle, for my children, for me. I always want to do more.

"Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile."

Sometimes I get bummed out that I don't get enough credit for things at home. I'm basically the reason almost everything gets done. If I'm not the one doing it, I'm typically organizing the doing and providing reminders. And that's usually fine with me, because I'm just naturally organized (read: Type A) and I have a good memory.

But every so often something goes above and beyond "don't forget to run the dishwasher." Jen was supposed to attend her future SIL's bridal shower. She had the invitation and she was going to take care of it. It's this coming Sunday. I was going to stay out of it but I couldn't stand it and finally asked tonight if she'd made plans to go, or RSVPed either way, or anything. And suddenly tonight she is last-minute RSVPing and ordering a gift and she's going to show up in NJ with the gift and be a dutiful future-SIL and blah blah blah and what I'd really like right now is a resounding, "THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY ASS JUST NOW." And maybe a little token of appreciation.

Because really? I deserve it, dammit! ;)

Hello, friends.

These days I "journal" so infrequently that it doesn't feel at all like journaling - more like a letter to some friends. So hello there, friends. I hope you are all well.

The kids and I just came back from 11 days in South Carolina visiting my brother, sister in law, and my mom and her husband. We stayed with my brother and SIL and it's almost like culture shock to be back here. Although I do love it here. It is familiar and comforting and full of hippies.

I kind of had an unplugged vacation. I did not bring a computer, only my iPod Touch, so aside from Facebook I spent very little time on the Internet. It was just too tiny to manage. I didn't check LJ at all. Did I miss anything? I also did not bring a camera. I didn't want to bring my huge DSLR because I couldn't fathom carrying it AND a baby AND wrangling a 4 year old. So, no pictures. It is like the un-vacation!

There was a big heat wave in the South so we didn't do as much as usual (stayed inside a lot) and I also tried to be accommodating to Tukey's naps because he slept like C R A P the whole time. Jen joined us for the last 4 days of the trip and thank God for that because I actually got 5 hours of straight sleep a couple of nights. And it was good.

We had a blast, though. We went to the beach once with my mom and her husband and Punk got to make sand castles and look for sea shells and pick up seaweed and all of that good stuff, and got hit by waves and laughed and danced on the shore and it was ace. We also took her to an amusement park that was more like a seaside carnival where she went on a bazillion kiddie rides and got to stay up late (til after 9) and even had her first taste of bumper cars (with my brother) where she shouted, "We are going to hit you, Mama!" about a gazillion times. Thank you, ride operator, for letting her on even though she's half an inch shy of 42". She went to Chuck E Cheese and I have continued my lie about how we don't have Chuck E near our house, only at Uncle Rick's. She had a great time there, too. She saw the Winnie the Pooh movie and ate out a bunch of times and had a lot of ice cream, so I'd say it was a total vacation success for her. I love watching her have a good time, even when she gets sad because the fun has to end.

Tukey started trying to pull up while on vacation and also sped up his army crawl so quick that I don't think he'll ever go to hands and knees. He still says "da da da" most of the time but now says "na na na na" when he is sad/tired/hungry. He is curious about life and into EVERYTHING. He is in that crazy alert phase where sleeping is for wimps and he wants to wake at all hours of the night and crawl and climb just because. It is exhausting yet delicious and sometimes I stop and have to catch my breath because he is growing up so fast and I will never have another baby in my belly and watch that baby grow into a person. This afternoon on the plane I got him to fall asleep in my arms and I held him, two arms full of great big baby, and could almost cry at the sheer enormity of my love for him and how we were meant to be together.

Punk is the greatest big sister ever, so attentive to her brother and concerned about him. She gets jealous when he gets attention but instead of acting out toward him or others, she gets jealous about people messing with HER baby and she has to go over and give him attention too. "That's my bruvvuh" is a common sentence for strangers. She also talks to him, which is deleriously funny. Today she told him, "Let's play a game called 'Baby Gets Nothing.' Tukey, you get nothing." Where does she get this stuff? I freaking love it.

She is four years old and he is eight months old and time is just flying, flying, flying.

I hope you are all well and enjoying your summer.

I haven't written here in a million years. In my head I am this regular, witty blogger. I have all of these clever things to say and even cleverer ways to say them. It just never happens, because by the time I get to a computer I am wiped. out.

I only work 3 days a week but it feels like 7. And I don't even really work full days some of the time. But it feels like it. I hardly sleep and I subsist on coffee. Good thing I love coffee, and I have an amazing cousin in Seattle who sends me beans from her favorite shops. Yum.

This coming week is school vacation week and I am doing a little babysitting (to make a little money) and my sister-in-law is visiting. I love when my brother visits too but sometimes it's nice to just have Gretchen over (just like sometimes it's nice to have just Rick). She is staying through Easter and it will be nice to a) have a week home with my kids and b) have some company while I do that. We can go on adventures and just in general chill with two kids.

Two kids. Woah. Two kids is a lot of work, and at the same time it isn't. Extra stuff to remember before you head out the door. Extra chaos in the mornings. Really needing a second set of hands at nighttime (they go to bed at the same time pretty much). He sleeps pretty well but still is up twice to eat and I don't go to bed as early as I should so I am always in a fog of coffee-hyperactivity.

Ideally I would go to bed around 9pm but there is so much to do in the evenings like pack the day care back, make sure Punk has a lunch for the next day, run the dishwasher so there are clean bottles, thaw milk for the next day, run laundry, etc. Since the kids go to bed at 7, all of those jobs get done after that. Thankfully they both go to bed pretty easily and (usually) stay asleep for a while so the stuff can get done.

In sum: Life is busy but awesome.

I think a toy store threw up in my house. We are now full up on My Little Pony toys and purple unicorns. I guess you can never have too many.

Little Miss has finally succumbed to the overstimulation and is finally taking a nap today. She was just getting more and more clingy, whiny, and off-focus. Actually, the lack of focus is our #1 annoyance these days. She is just all over the place, which I know is normal for toddlers/preschoolers but she has been taking it to a new level. She doesn't pay attention when you talk to her and will actually talk over you to ask the question you are answering. Or will be looking around and just walk into people, into things, off the sidewalk, whatever. Very frustrating. But she is quiet and sleeping right now, after losing the privilege of going to the library with my brother and sister-in-law due to poor focus at lunch.

My little baby is almost 6 weeks old and is not little. He smiles and coos and is generally adorable. He used to have a 5-6 hour stretch of sleep at night but that seems to have stopped or maybe it is starting earlier. I need to re-configure his sleep needs and sync up with them again so we're all happier. It's hard getting up with him throughout the night and then having to get up early with the early-rising preschooler. Yawn.

Jen got me an iPod Touch for Christmas which is super swanky! It is so swanky, however, that my ancient iBook with the ancient operating system can't run a new enough version of iTunes to be able to sync my iPod or add my music. Super sigh. Buying a new computer is not at all on the budget.

Also on the list of things that are not on the budget: the emergency furnace repair that we had yesterday because the ignitor crapped out. Aaah, the joys of homeownership and being a grown up.

This post is bland and sounds like it is being brought to you by the letters P, P, and D. But really I think it is the post-holiday funk coupled with sleep deprivation caused by Bogo-itis.

This is my last weekend of freedom before I return to work on Tuesday. It's nice to have a holiday to ease into the week. It is going to be a challenge to be up and running early in the morning when I am used to having a slow start to the day if I so choose - hanging around, lounging, watching some cartoons with Punk, then eating some breakfast... those days are over.

Things are kind of up in the air at work because of my impending leave. The original plan as I understood it was that everything would be business as usual with my clients/schools, but then last week they decided maybe it was better if I didn't go to the schools and just did intakes in the office. I was concerned about this plan from a productivity standpoint (there's no way I could do the amount of billing I was used to doing office intakes) and from a client standpoint (some of my clients would have no one seeing them until work could find someone else). So we went back and forth about it and some of my clients are transferring to other clinicians now, some will stick with me until a new clinician is hired, and I will also do some office intakes if some office space is available to me. Hopefully it will all work out.

My mother is in town visiting us and will be taking care of Punk while I am at work this week and preschool is in the transition week. We have been doing a lot of fun things like going out to lunch. We also took a trip to Ikea to buy new furniture for Punk's room (so the baby can get the changing table dresser and matching stuff). Last night my mother hung out with Punk so Jen and I could go to a friend's wedding. Today my mother is visiting a friend, so we went to breakfast, then hit the 3 County Fair. I am EXHAUSTED.

I haven't had a pay check since mid June and we are really feeling the crunch right now. We had some extra money stocked up at the beginning of the summer, and we had banked some money to cover the summer also but we are trying not to use all of it in case we need it later. So right now we're really strapped and feeling it. Of course, going to Ikea to buy furniture was probably not the smartest plan and obviously neither was the fair, but sometimes you just have to blow it and take your kid to the fair to eat overpriced snacks, play stupid fair games, ride an overpriced ride, and see all of the cute animals. So whatever.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to take it somewhat easy, although there are groceries to procure (ch-ching again), laundry to do, lunch to pack for work, work clothes to uncover, etc. We're hoping to move the furniture from Punk's room to the baby's room next weekend so we can assemble Punk's new furniture, but that involves finding a local strong person to help Jen move the guest room furniture into the basement so we can get that done. Takers?

We have about 9 weeks of pregnancy left at a maximum and dang, that's not much. Crap!

Punk and I are in South Carolina and have been since last Thursday. We are visiting my brother and SIL, and my mother and her husband are close by as well. Days and evenings have been packed with exciting preschool-friendly activities such as miniature golf, indoor bounce house place, Chuck E Cheese, the beach, the library, etc. It is very fun and very, very tiring. We are eating out a lot and I haven't been making the healthiest choices and I wouldn't be surprised if I gained 10 lbs here. We head home tomorrow.

Jen joined us for the first three days of our trip but returned to work so as not to use up vacation time. It is apparently still very hot in our house and I'm not looking forward to that after 10 days in central air. :)

Senor Cupcakey seems to be chugging along and we are 23 weeks pregnant at this point, very visible. Haven't taken a single belly picture which I'm sure is setting him up for lots of therapy when he gets older. That, and being called Cupcakey. But aside from some pelvic grouchiness all seems to be well on that front. I have another midwife appointment on Monday.

Punk had a rash last week and the pediatrician thought it was folliculitis and gave us an antibiotic ointment before we left on vacation. It has continued to get worse and worse, and my fear is that it is molloscum contagiosum, which - as its name suggests - is super contagious and takes a long time to go away. Sigh.

We have a busy week coming up. Jen's parents are coming to our house today (I'm sure they'll love the heat and humidity in the house) and staying until Tuesday morning. Punk has an appointment at 9am on Monday for the rash and I see the midwife later that afternoon. Punk has an appointment with an allergist later in the week, and also 3 year old portraits. We arrive after Punk's bedtime Sunday night so I'm sure Monday will be full of tired crankiness.

I am not in a great headspace which is not really a good place to be when a full-time mama on vacation and looking down the barrel of expecting #2. But I guess that's just sort of how it goes.

I'm sure you know by now that it is hot outside. Quite hot indeed. When I'm not complaining about the hotness of my house, I love the heat and would take it over cold any day.

It has been a very busy time around here. Punk turned three (how is that possible?) on the 1st and we celebrated a little bit with the little family (just dinner and a princess cupcake). My brother and SIL arrived late Thursday night and stayed through Sunday. Friday we all (minus Jen, who had to work) took Punk to the zoo and to lunch and just had lots of fun in general. Saturday morning was Punk's huge birthday party at the children's museum, which was a smashing success. Then lunch out. Then crash and burn. Sunday we went to my grandmother's house for a cookout to celebrate Punk's birthday. Then Ralph and Lori came to spend the night and see some fireworks for the 4th. It was like Birthday-O-Rama around here. I am TIRED.

I wasn't thinking and got Punk's varicella vaccine last week so she would be set for preschool in the fall. It's at a real school (a Montessori school) and goes up to 6th grade and they are much more stickler-y about vaccines than the home day cares, so I needed to get it done. I neglected to think about the fact that a lot of kids end up with a mild chicken pox rash around the injection site and can theoretically be contagious and pass around pox. Awesome timing with a pregnant lady and a non-chicken-pox having person in the house, and a birthday party scheduled. She did get this ambiguous and mysterious welt that did not look like chicken pox but was close enough to the injection site that we covered it with a band-aid and have been praying for the best. Whoops.

We are heading to South Carolina soon to visit with my brother, SIL, mom, and her husband. Good times. Part of the vacation will be just Punker and me. I have never had to take her on a plane by myself before. Thank goodness she is old and self-sufficient. Pretty soon I will be putting her to work.

She is so big and grown up and amazing and I adore her. She is pretty much the best child ever, even when she is testing my patience. She is so bright and creative and hysterical. She tells me I'm cute or beautiful pretty much every day. ("Oh Mama, you're so beautiful!") See, I told you she was SMART. :)

BOGO baby is nearly 22 weeks cooked and is growing accordingly. Punk has named him Cupcakey, which is fine because we haven't named him anything. My grandmother recently presented me a list of about 30 names, including ALFRED and CODY. Where is she getting these names? Still, it's cute that she is so involved. So far, everyone is happy and healthy and that is what is important to me. We will see the midwife again after Punk and I return from SC. Then Jen's parents will be visiting. This is a busy summer. I've forgotten what it's like to work, like that part of my brain is off and disengaged. I can't believe I ever had a job.

I have started babysitting my friend's baby on Thursdays. He is 8 months old and umm, hanging out with two kids all day is HARD. Especially when one doesn't want to share any of the baby toys. (Hint, it's not the baby.) Punk is adorable with Braedan, though, which warms my heart and makes me think it will all be worth it in the end.

I have no idea how I can conceivably plan and prepare dinner in a kitchen that is currently (3 hours before dinner prep at the hottest time of day) 85 degrees.