So this is going to , be my last blog post, no big dramatic reason, I just haven't ever really found a blog all that omfortable for me, and I can't seem to bend, fold, or mutilate myself into a blogger.
I really think blogs do 3 things for us amateurs bloggers, either help us share our lives with people we love that aren't close by, as a personal record done in a public setting (like a public scrapbook), or give us a means of expression to get a viewpoint out there to a community.
My life is such that I see/communicate with the people I care about enough that I can keep them updated in person with the stuff that really matters, and that I want to share. I'm not good enough nor do I have enough of a filter to not be a TMI blogger, and I'm not comfortable enough to be o.k. with having my TMI hanging out in public. I like giggling about my faux pas with close friends, and seeing the reaction (even when it's negative) when I share my foibles. So a blog for "here is what we're doing" doesn't fill a need for me.
As far as scrapbooking, well it hasn't ever been my thing, and if I'm going to keep a personal record, it's just easier for me to keep it personal, in the good old fashioned journal mode rather than doing it in public.
And frankly I've tried to have a viewpoint, or find a niche to get me excited about writing but I don't have one. I'm not a "mommy blogger" I think mommy blogs are great, but not what I want to write about, or feel the need to write about. I think Anna Quindlen created the first and best mommy blog when she got her op-ed pieces in the New York Times, and as I agree with her a lot, I don't have much to add. My mommy viewpoint is in a nutshell "do what my parents did, because what really matters hasn't changed that much since they were raising children", which frankly doesn't ake up much space. There are blogs, e-zines, articles, etc. out there on all kinds of subjects that are close to my heart, and I love to read them, but I don't have anything to say to write one, or what I do have to say is just too personal to have "out there" for consumption, and judgement while I'm not dead. :) There are a lot of people that are courageous enough to leave themselves open, and transparent for a lot of judgment, and well frankly I'm not one of them.
So instead of just posting when I'm having a bad day (which frankly is what a private journal is for at least for me), or a half-hearted attempt to update every week, then every month, then once every six month, I'm just going experiment as a writer, and enjoy the part of blogging I do enjoy, being a reader.
I'm saving all my deep, dark, secrets, and parenting faux pas for Jake he can have the secrets when I'm dead, and I'm sure he will be more than willing to share my parenting faux pas when he's in his teens. :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Bad Hair Week
I hate this week (picture me in full foot stamping mode), whatever combination of flu, allergies and PMS I'm managed to get going has knocked me off my butt, and my poor hair, I'm trying to have a "no big deal attitude" but holy cow, I think maybe I should go up to Honeyville and hang out at the monestary, I could get in some meditation which might take me down a notch, and my hair would blend right in.
I've been charting moods, and clearly there is a pattern with my hormones, except knowing that isn't helping much, I feel down and awful but I also feel like I want to get in a big old fight (which besides all the other fun stuff is why I'm kind of hiding out this week).
Everyone has those people in their lives that are emotional vampires and just suck all the air out of the room, and you want to tell them to get over themselves. Well I've spent an entire week with that person and I need a vacation and she is following me everywhere. I can't even sleep, so I can turn my head off for awhile, but you will notice the restraint I've used posting wildly here..
I feel like I'm totally loosing a week every month now, but doctor's appointment is this month, and hopefully we can find something that will be more effective that what I'm currently taking (which works the rest of the time).
Plus Jake has been sick as well, poor guy, sick and hanging out with scary mom who keeps getting maybe a little too dramatic on him drinking from my drink. Thank you Scott and Ryan for including him in a boy overnight, I'm sure he needed it.
Thanks everyone here for giving me wide berth this week hopefully I'm back to myself soon, and I don't have to play host to world's most annoying human being again soon.
I've been charting moods, and clearly there is a pattern with my hormones, except knowing that isn't helping much, I feel down and awful but I also feel like I want to get in a big old fight (which besides all the other fun stuff is why I'm kind of hiding out this week).
Everyone has those people in their lives that are emotional vampires and just suck all the air out of the room, and you want to tell them to get over themselves. Well I've spent an entire week with that person and I need a vacation and she is following me everywhere. I can't even sleep, so I can turn my head off for awhile, but you will notice the restraint I've used posting wildly here..
I feel like I'm totally loosing a week every month now, but doctor's appointment is this month, and hopefully we can find something that will be more effective that what I'm currently taking (which works the rest of the time).
Plus Jake has been sick as well, poor guy, sick and hanging out with scary mom who keeps getting maybe a little too dramatic on him drinking from my drink. Thank you Scott and Ryan for including him in a boy overnight, I'm sure he needed it.
Thanks everyone here for giving me wide berth this week hopefully I'm back to myself soon, and I don't have to play host to world's most annoying human being again soon.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The War at Home
So last night I got a text from Scott about the death of Osama bin Laden, after breathing again because the spell check changed Osama to Obama, and all I saw was "Obama is dead" and thought someone had killed the President, I turned on the news, and sat and watched it for a minute. I don't like to say I'm glad someone has been killed but franky I am glad he's dead, mostly because it had to be done before we could even think about withdrawing tropps from Afganistan, but I found myself once again thinking about this war, and those brave people fighting it everyday that it doesn't cross my mind, or isn't a news update.
Today once again I was very touched by a song on Josh Groban's newest CD (he's one of the few contemporary musisians that has address this was directly, both in the song I mentioned at Christmas, but on his new album) called "The War At Home". The thing about war that we know is our brave troops don't stop fighting when they come home, the level of Post traumatic stress disorder with this war is huge, and overwhelming.
The song touches on the idea of fighting the war at home, the first part about a soldier waking up in a hospital bed wounded for life, tired of being told he's "the lucky one", as he will fight this war at home for the rest of his life. There is the next women a "caped crusader, she's a newborn leader" talking to her young daughter on the phone, as she fights the war at home not being able to take care of her young child. And then tells the story of an young Iraqi child, whose whole life has been about war, trying to understand the "war at home".
Wars aren't ended with the death of one person, as bad as the person is, or as much as they personify terrorism, I only watched a few minutes of coverage last night because I figured that really as always my time was better spent in prayer for our brave troops rather than rejoicing in the death of one evil man. I hope that we can start bringing out troops home, but Osama bin Laden deserves nothing, not even a celebration of his death. Good riddance to one evil man, but no matter what evil may exist there are still more good people fighting against evil than people embracing it. With all our imperfections I'm proud to be an American, for a stand against terrorism, for not letting terrorist win, and doing what needed to be done.
"You see these hands they're millions strong, they are yours now, hold on now, we're still going strong hold on now we're still fighting the war at home."
Bin Laden like the evil men through history has met his end, but really the end that matters most and always has is ending this war and getting our brave troops home, to fight the brave fight of healing.
Today once again I was very touched by a song on Josh Groban's newest CD (he's one of the few contemporary musisians that has address this was directly, both in the song I mentioned at Christmas, but on his new album) called "The War At Home". The thing about war that we know is our brave troops don't stop fighting when they come home, the level of Post traumatic stress disorder with this war is huge, and overwhelming.
The song touches on the idea of fighting the war at home, the first part about a soldier waking up in a hospital bed wounded for life, tired of being told he's "the lucky one", as he will fight this war at home for the rest of his life. There is the next women a "caped crusader, she's a newborn leader" talking to her young daughter on the phone, as she fights the war at home not being able to take care of her young child. And then tells the story of an young Iraqi child, whose whole life has been about war, trying to understand the "war at home".
Wars aren't ended with the death of one person, as bad as the person is, or as much as they personify terrorism, I only watched a few minutes of coverage last night because I figured that really as always my time was better spent in prayer for our brave troops rather than rejoicing in the death of one evil man. I hope that we can start bringing out troops home, but Osama bin Laden deserves nothing, not even a celebration of his death. Good riddance to one evil man, but no matter what evil may exist there are still more good people fighting against evil than people embracing it. With all our imperfections I'm proud to be an American, for a stand against terrorism, for not letting terrorist win, and doing what needed to be done.
"You see these hands they're millions strong, they are yours now, hold on now, we're still going strong hold on now we're still fighting the war at home."
Bin Laden like the evil men through history has met his end, but really the end that matters most and always has is ending this war and getting our brave troops home, to fight the brave fight of healing.
A Top 10- Blogging Letterman Style
Top 10 ways to know your short trendy new summer doo may not have turned out the way you intended:
10- When you touched the back of your head it felt like petting Star
9- You plan to invest in a lot of new scarves and are going to ask mom to crochet you a head band like the ones she gave the grandaughters for Christmas.
8- For one of the first times you are relieved you don't have a job, because you couldn't go to work and would have to quit.
8- You think spiking it and dying it bright pink and just going with "I've always wanted a punk look" might be your best bet.
7- You are pretty sure Ryan snuck in when she was cutting the back and gave her the same instructions he gave Paul that one infamous summer for Jeff's hair.
6- You are either ready to do Doris Day in pillow talk, or if you put in some product you are a shoe in Danny in "Grease".
5- Scott is laughing while saying "no it's not that bad".
4- You are thinking that the Professor Quill from Harry Potter look is a pretty good one, in fact Lord Voldemort moving into the back of you head would better explain why one would have a haircut like this.
3- At least you can cut you shampoo budget by 90%.
2- You just tried to go blonder and bleached you hair too much, and that is still not as bad as the cut.
And the number one way you know you didn't get you ideal summer cut:
1- On the way home from the salon Jake says "Mom, I keep picturing you with Jackson's face because you both look exactly the same from the back" (which is a really cute cut on Jackson, but not so much what I was going for).
So if you see me in the next month and actually recognize me (Jackson is the shorter one) remember to say something nice, or at least wait until I'm not looking to take a picture to send to all your friends.
10- When you touched the back of your head it felt like petting Star
9- You plan to invest in a lot of new scarves and are going to ask mom to crochet you a head band like the ones she gave the grandaughters for Christmas.
8- For one of the first times you are relieved you don't have a job, because you couldn't go to work and would have to quit.
8- You think spiking it and dying it bright pink and just going with "I've always wanted a punk look" might be your best bet.
7- You are pretty sure Ryan snuck in when she was cutting the back and gave her the same instructions he gave Paul that one infamous summer for Jeff's hair.
6- You are either ready to do Doris Day in pillow talk, or if you put in some product you are a shoe in Danny in "Grease".
5- Scott is laughing while saying "no it's not that bad".
4- You are thinking that the Professor Quill from Harry Potter look is a pretty good one, in fact Lord Voldemort moving into the back of you head would better explain why one would have a haircut like this.
3- At least you can cut you shampoo budget by 90%.
2- You just tried to go blonder and bleached you hair too much, and that is still not as bad as the cut.
And the number one way you know you didn't get you ideal summer cut:
1- On the way home from the salon Jake says "Mom, I keep picturing you with Jackson's face because you both look exactly the same from the back" (which is a really cute cut on Jackson, but not so much what I was going for).
So if you see me in the next month and actually recognize me (Jackson is the shorter one) remember to say something nice, or at least wait until I'm not looking to take a picture to send to all your friends.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Settled In!
Looks like we are all settled into our next life adventure, which is doing a multifamily living arrangment. First of course I want to deeply thank Scott and Circe for being willing to open their home and share in this kind of adventure, as I know it's something that can be very difficult for everyone, and knowing that we have family that is willing to be there for us at this time makes all the difference. They have created a beautiful and comfortable space for us to feel at home, and we do, and I know every single person in the family has made sacrifices to allow us to do this. I know going from having your own room to sharing with a younger sibling isn't what the three older girls (Golda, Ruby, and Ari) quite had in mind, but their willingness to do so, with kindness and cheerfulness means a lot to us, and shows what amazing young women you not only are becoming, but already are.
I admit I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, and was a bit nervous as to how this would all work, I've done the living alone thing quite a bit, but it's been awhile since I lived with a large family, over 20 years to be exact, and I wasn't sure if we would be the tipping point when large gets too large (I've watched "19 Kids and Counting" and apparently once you reach the tipping point, you suddenly think really bad bangs look good, and frankly I'm not sure which of us would tip, but either Circe or I with that hair style would be tragic). So far thought it seems to be like riding a bike once you've been part of a large family, you just kind of get back on and ride. I loved growing up in a larger family, the noise, activity and excitement feel like "home", and so far I'm not as boring to other kids as I've become to Jake, I have a new audience to play hidden pictures, Memory, and they don't keep saying "yeah I know, you've already told me that story", 5 times a day. Plua there are people that will actually eat what I like to cook, which is pretty awesome, not to mention I haven't ever really been able to adjust to cooking for less than 8, so when I'm done making something I don't have to stand for long periods of time thinking "what am I going to do with all of that?".
Jake is in heaven, Mr. Social is finding there are lots of people to play with here, without any work on his part at all, although I still don't think he quites gets that we will be here for a few months. If we come home later than normal he complains the whole way that "now I will miss playing with Freestone", I keep reminding him that his opportunities to play with Freestone are extremely abundant at this point, they might in fact actually get tired of playing together all the time and want some alone time sometimes. He and Freestone were working on developing their own language this week, which will makes things fun (Free will be trilingual), I suggested that they can call the language Frake, as that sounds more official than Jastone as far as linguistics go, and Cropp or Doane don't sound that cool.
In addition working together requires that Scott, Circe, and I meet every other week at Yogotogo to discuss how everything is going, and I figure anything that requires frozen yogurt has to be pretty good on some level.
Big thanks to everyone that helped us move Friday night late into the night! We love you all and your willingness to serve us, it's overwhelming sometimes to be part of a support system that really is the epitome of what "family" is. We really love and appreciate all of you!!!
I admit I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, and was a bit nervous as to how this would all work, I've done the living alone thing quite a bit, but it's been awhile since I lived with a large family, over 20 years to be exact, and I wasn't sure if we would be the tipping point when large gets too large (I've watched "19 Kids and Counting" and apparently once you reach the tipping point, you suddenly think really bad bangs look good, and frankly I'm not sure which of us would tip, but either Circe or I with that hair style would be tragic). So far thought it seems to be like riding a bike once you've been part of a large family, you just kind of get back on and ride. I loved growing up in a larger family, the noise, activity and excitement feel like "home", and so far I'm not as boring to other kids as I've become to Jake, I have a new audience to play hidden pictures, Memory, and they don't keep saying "yeah I know, you've already told me that story", 5 times a day. Plua there are people that will actually eat what I like to cook, which is pretty awesome, not to mention I haven't ever really been able to adjust to cooking for less than 8, so when I'm done making something I don't have to stand for long periods of time thinking "what am I going to do with all of that?".
Jake is in heaven, Mr. Social is finding there are lots of people to play with here, without any work on his part at all, although I still don't think he quites gets that we will be here for a few months. If we come home later than normal he complains the whole way that "now I will miss playing with Freestone", I keep reminding him that his opportunities to play with Freestone are extremely abundant at this point, they might in fact actually get tired of playing together all the time and want some alone time sometimes. He and Freestone were working on developing their own language this week, which will makes things fun (Free will be trilingual), I suggested that they can call the language Frake, as that sounds more official than Jastone as far as linguistics go, and Cropp or Doane don't sound that cool.
In addition working together requires that Scott, Circe, and I meet every other week at Yogotogo to discuss how everything is going, and I figure anything that requires frozen yogurt has to be pretty good on some level.
Big thanks to everyone that helped us move Friday night late into the night! We love you all and your willingness to serve us, it's overwhelming sometimes to be part of a support system that really is the epitome of what "family" is. We really love and appreciate all of you!!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Helping to Understand
I know I seem a big obsessed with bipolar disorder lately and there is a reason. For most ot my time with this, I would have a cycle or crisis, it would last for awhile and then it would go away, for years. At one point it was in relapse so long I thought I might not really have it.
But this one is the illness that keeps on giving, and it's changed, and I'm rapid cycling which is apparently sometbing many bipolar women experience, and I might even get to try some mixed state (that is boing manic and depressed at the same time a bipolar swirl). This can last for year or two, it can be permaent, and this change can sometimes be reistant to medication, and frankly I'm pretending I didn't read the other msgic options.
What has happened in the last year is baffling to me, and it alternatly scares, and angers me. In that past I had a depressive episode, now I have 3 great days and a depressed day, 2 good days and a maniac day. Nothing predictable, further in the past my meds kept me even, now they keep my from bottoming me out, but I can feel cycling like I haven't before. So I need to go the doctor but I admit that if it's bad news, I'm not sure I'm ready.
That said, I think I can explain things a little better than I have before, because I'm aware of the cycling it's neve felt like that. Mania is self destructive, but not deadly, you feel fabulous, but have on impluse control, and inflaated sense of brilliance, an an inability to see through to a consequence.
The problem there are pretty obvious, it's like waking up one day with the mind of a a two year old but the resources and responsibilities of an adult, so remember when your child was two? What would have happpened if you gave them a car and control the family resources? Not pretty of course not, but you wouldn't be angry, you know a 2 year old can't handle that. Give this a few weeks, and said adult to year old can do some major damage to their life this is an imaginative little imp, 60 batches of cookies not a big deal, spending every penny you have on impulse power shops, big deal but mania doesn't care, that stupid Michlle chick can deal with it I'm naving the time of my life. There is a reason that two is hard, and at 40 you can't get off on cute.
And generally you wake up and you are 40 again and you get a couple days to try to access what damage has been done by the big 2 year old that has been controlling your life anywhere from weeks to month. And then depression comes.
I know how hard it is to understand "having a shower was a major accomplishment today" so the best analogy I've come up with it think about the absolute worst flu you've had, the one when you put off going to the bathroom because you are too sick to move, the one where you rest 2 times to get to the kitchen. That is pretty close to how you feel physcially, but then you get the mental part. So now you have a bad flu and an annoying drill sergeant standing the room telling you that you are looser, you will never succeed, you are a waste of space, etc. And then the messages get worse, and darker, and scarier. You know how when you love someone you know exactly what you could say to hurt them the most, imagine how effective your own brain is at finding fears, and insecurities you didn't even know you had, thought you knew your worst fearl nope look what your brain just found isn't that the most horrifying thought ever? Nope wait for rhia one. The brain is amazing, and I can do cognitive stuff to argue with the little depresson demon for quite a long time now, but the worst is when it gets to terrifing. This is where it gets most dangerous, because no only do you have horror running through your head 24/7 but you also get "this will never stop, this will never stop, there is only one way out there is only one way out". I've only gotten there once but the fear of it ever happening again is sometimes overwhelming because I fear I would be no better at fighting it than last time. I know no one will ever say to me the things I say to myself but in that state, even the smallest external negative message can be overwhelming. You say "how are you" I hear "not that I actually care. If you actually get mad at me I will fall apart, but probably not before saying thins I wouldn't otherwise, and remember of had days of really mean stuff running through my head. So yeah doing all that and showering is pretty big (and sometimes showering is overwhelming), and it takes a lot of energy to ignore those voices for days or weeks. It's debilitating because even if you get past the physical stuff it's pretty hard to think of much when all that is going on in your head. And yes, you should spend some time with other, but it's obvious why that would be hard. Trying to talk while you are insulting yourself in your head it a trick.
Meds stop that worst level, when they are really effective you never cycle at all, they treat different symptoms, and for fun they cause a few unpleaaant side effect some worse than others (depakote my me comatose I lost some weeks there) Now I'm getting a jumble, so it's probaly a med change time. Sigh
So I'm scared because it could get worse, and I don't want to know what that means, and I'm angry because it's been enough already, I've lost or not been able to have enough already. I don't want to give up one more thing, my brain has liked "weren't as good at that job as you thought were you, did you really think you would get to keep that accomplishment, stupid as always" that was January. A couple of days it started on my fear of being too sick to be a mom. I can't wait to see what I come up with next, and with a normal cycle it's many days. Now the meds are making me weirdly aware of he process.
I'm not worried about loosing my house, car, or anything else. I like to work, and I don't want to give that up but I will deal with disability. But I am scared I'm loosing myself, and bigger than that what if I loose being Jake moms mom in the fog of this disease. I know Jake will be loved and cared for but I want to do it, I don't want to share it and an illness shouldn't be able to take the most important thing from, and give it to someone else. And I really don't want to inspire a memoir.
With the meds I'm able to actually fight this and look at the bright side, but the dark sneaks up sometimes punches me in the stomach with fear and sneaks way.
I try to get that shower, and take a walk, if I add in loading the dishwasher, I'm superwoman. And tomorrow I could wake up my normal a bit stressed become she's moving self or 2 year old could wake up (not much trouble I can get in an this point luckily I've remove anything possible fun from myself).
So the bright side is that you all only get to wake up with a new day, I might get to wake up as a new person. Oh, and I've been watching a lot of BBC because today I called myself a cow in my head. My all time favorite bipolar fact was a doctor teling he knew immediately that I was bipolar because can sometimes joke during depression, in fact the voice in my head can be pretty funny sometimes.
So that is how the world turns in the worlds of Michelle.
But this one is the illness that keeps on giving, and it's changed, and I'm rapid cycling which is apparently sometbing many bipolar women experience, and I might even get to try some mixed state (that is boing manic and depressed at the same time a bipolar swirl). This can last for year or two, it can be permaent, and this change can sometimes be reistant to medication, and frankly I'm pretending I didn't read the other msgic options.
What has happened in the last year is baffling to me, and it alternatly scares, and angers me. In that past I had a depressive episode, now I have 3 great days and a depressed day, 2 good days and a maniac day. Nothing predictable, further in the past my meds kept me even, now they keep my from bottoming me out, but I can feel cycling like I haven't before. So I need to go the doctor but I admit that if it's bad news, I'm not sure I'm ready.
That said, I think I can explain things a little better than I have before, because I'm aware of the cycling it's neve felt like that. Mania is self destructive, but not deadly, you feel fabulous, but have on impluse control, and inflaated sense of brilliance, an an inability to see through to a consequence.
The problem there are pretty obvious, it's like waking up one day with the mind of a a two year old but the resources and responsibilities of an adult, so remember when your child was two? What would have happpened if you gave them a car and control the family resources? Not pretty of course not, but you wouldn't be angry, you know a 2 year old can't handle that. Give this a few weeks, and said adult to year old can do some major damage to their life this is an imaginative little imp, 60 batches of cookies not a big deal, spending every penny you have on impulse power shops, big deal but mania doesn't care, that stupid Michlle chick can deal with it I'm naving the time of my life. There is a reason that two is hard, and at 40 you can't get off on cute.
And generally you wake up and you are 40 again and you get a couple days to try to access what damage has been done by the big 2 year old that has been controlling your life anywhere from weeks to month. And then depression comes.
I know how hard it is to understand "having a shower was a major accomplishment today" so the best analogy I've come up with it think about the absolute worst flu you've had, the one when you put off going to the bathroom because you are too sick to move, the one where you rest 2 times to get to the kitchen. That is pretty close to how you feel physcially, but then you get the mental part. So now you have a bad flu and an annoying drill sergeant standing the room telling you that you are looser, you will never succeed, you are a waste of space, etc. And then the messages get worse, and darker, and scarier. You know how when you love someone you know exactly what you could say to hurt them the most, imagine how effective your own brain is at finding fears, and insecurities you didn't even know you had, thought you knew your worst fearl nope look what your brain just found isn't that the most horrifying thought ever? Nope wait for rhia one. The brain is amazing, and I can do cognitive stuff to argue with the little depresson demon for quite a long time now, but the worst is when it gets to terrifing. This is where it gets most dangerous, because no only do you have horror running through your head 24/7 but you also get "this will never stop, this will never stop, there is only one way out there is only one way out". I've only gotten there once but the fear of it ever happening again is sometimes overwhelming because I fear I would be no better at fighting it than last time. I know no one will ever say to me the things I say to myself but in that state, even the smallest external negative message can be overwhelming. You say "how are you" I hear "not that I actually care. If you actually get mad at me I will fall apart, but probably not before saying thins I wouldn't otherwise, and remember of had days of really mean stuff running through my head. So yeah doing all that and showering is pretty big (and sometimes showering is overwhelming), and it takes a lot of energy to ignore those voices for days or weeks. It's debilitating because even if you get past the physical stuff it's pretty hard to think of much when all that is going on in your head. And yes, you should spend some time with other, but it's obvious why that would be hard. Trying to talk while you are insulting yourself in your head it a trick.
Meds stop that worst level, when they are really effective you never cycle at all, they treat different symptoms, and for fun they cause a few unpleaaant side effect some worse than others (depakote my me comatose I lost some weeks there) Now I'm getting a jumble, so it's probaly a med change time. Sigh
So I'm scared because it could get worse, and I don't want to know what that means, and I'm angry because it's been enough already, I've lost or not been able to have enough already. I don't want to give up one more thing, my brain has liked "weren't as good at that job as you thought were you, did you really think you would get to keep that accomplishment, stupid as always" that was January. A couple of days it started on my fear of being too sick to be a mom. I can't wait to see what I come up with next, and with a normal cycle it's many days. Now the meds are making me weirdly aware of he process.
I'm not worried about loosing my house, car, or anything else. I like to work, and I don't want to give that up but I will deal with disability. But I am scared I'm loosing myself, and bigger than that what if I loose being Jake moms mom in the fog of this disease. I know Jake will be loved and cared for but I want to do it, I don't want to share it and an illness shouldn't be able to take the most important thing from, and give it to someone else. And I really don't want to inspire a memoir.
With the meds I'm able to actually fight this and look at the bright side, but the dark sneaks up sometimes punches me in the stomach with fear and sneaks way.
I try to get that shower, and take a walk, if I add in loading the dishwasher, I'm superwoman. And tomorrow I could wake up my normal a bit stressed become she's moving self or 2 year old could wake up (not much trouble I can get in an this point luckily I've remove anything possible fun from myself).
So the bright side is that you all only get to wake up with a new day, I might get to wake up as a new person. Oh, and I've been watching a lot of BBC because today I called myself a cow in my head. My all time favorite bipolar fact was a doctor teling he knew immediately that I was bipolar because can sometimes joke during depression, in fact the voice in my head can be pretty funny sometimes.
So that is how the world turns in the worlds of Michelle.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Talking Personal Philosophy
So lately I've been thinking about all kinds of different things, and one of them was some pretty major changes that I made in my personal philosophy via cognitive behavioral therapy. For those unfamilar, this therapy is about changing how you think, as people, esp. those with mood disorders have some really warped thought processes and habits, and while I will never be able to change the chemicals that cause my depression, I can change ways of viewing the world and my place in it that can make it work. I know a lot of people value talk therapy, but I've never been a fan, but this really has helped me, esp. in the times where my depression is not severe, or debilitating. I'm sure we all have thought processes and tapes we play in our heads that are destructive to us (and many of them motivate other people) so it's entirely personal.
My first one was that I stopped using the terms success and failure because I would get wrapped up in them and where I was when in fact when I really think about them they are completely meaningless. Unless it's a measurable scientific experiment saying someone is successful tells me nothing about then. A basic definition of success and failure it that a failure is not meeting an expected outcome, and a success is meeting it. Yet if my expected outcome is that my life sucks, or the world is out to get me when those things happen I'm not a success. Some people have low expectations, some high, if a person with high expectations fails are they still doing better than the person with low expectations that suceeds? As a person with depressive tendancies, I was always able to recite a list of my failures, I knew them right off the top of my head, and keeping track did me no good, and correcting that by keeping track of successes hardly helped at all. If you ask "was his a successful life" unless a person wasn't very multifaceted where would you even start? At the end of our lives no one is going to do a tally and say well he had 427 successes and 428 failures so I guess he failed. The reality is that there is and can be no objective answer, generlly we find the people that love us will down play our failures and pay attention to our successes, and those that don't will do the opposite, and neither is that "right" answer so why bother asking the question? When I find my mind going to "I'm a complete failure" I have found that quickly correcting with "it's not over yet" is all I need to do. One of my favorite quotes from Anne Shirley (from the Anne of Green Gables) to paraphrase is that each new day is a day with no mistakes in it yet. We pay consequences all the time, but each new day is a day to do something right, so why not focus on that?
The other big focus for me was taking the value out of spending our time working on focusing on our weaknesses. I know myself and a lot of people pay a lot more attention to what they aren't good at so they can try to get a bit better, than focusing on their strengths and making themselves awesome. We all have weaknesses and yes, you need to work on them if they are destroying our lives, but that is seldom the case. One of my big ones for years was shyness, for some reason I identified that part of myself as a huge problem, so I would think about ways I could overcome that, and I agonized for years about getting better at small talk, and making light conversation. And in the end with all the thinking about trying to mske myself something I'm not I never became one bit more comfortable I just became a bit better at acting. Now that I've accepted "I'm a lousey small talker, leave that to someone else" and identified that my shyness helps me observe interactions, and I'm pretty good at getting good information from not trying to make akward small talk but from hanging back a bit until I can get something more meaningful (to me). Where I'm weak someone else is strong, and let them do what needs to be done there, while I focus on really being awesome at my strengths. It was a huge thing for me at work as well, I bought into the "try to be well rounded" idea, until I was taught this, and I realized no one was ever going to notice or promote me if I tried to learn accounting, I hate it and suck at is, and yeah, I might get better than I am but not enough to make it worth it. Instead I tried to identify what I'm really good at, and spend time becoming one of the best at that. And despite my recent issues, I was able to get a job I was really good at, and I was motivated to get better, because it feels better to be really good at something than mediocre at a bunch of stuff you aren't good at. I love to bake and I'm good at it, and it is so much more rewarding to me to be able to spend 5 hours making fabulous cupcakes, than to try to use the same four hours to sew a crooked hem. I've never had any coordination at all and that's o.k., so I won't ever be good at basketball, volleyball, or dancing, my life is no less full because I just don't worry about it anymore, instead I focus on what I am good at, which is being a spectator in many of those things, and truly appreciating the talents of people that are good. Sure there are things I suck at but enjoy, like art, so I do that for fun, but I would never spend the vast majority of my time and money trying to be a better painter, my time and money is much better spend elsewhere while I paint for me without feeling any pressure. Plus by turning my attention to my strengths I have found I'm good at stuff I would have never thought, I actually enjoy public speaking and I'm good at it, I love to teach, and I'm good at it. In the past few years I've found that I really enjoy life sciences, once I got past the fact that I'm not all that good at chemistry or physics (which is where I stopped) I found that I love medical science, forensic science, etc. and I'm actually good at it. Our Heavenly Father gave all of us amazing talents, none of us got skipped, and it really is sad to watch someone with a natural flair for something ignore it because it's "too easy" and spend all their time focusing on something that was harder but not better for them. What if Mozart decide music was too easy for him, and he need to focus on his weakneses (which is kind of scary), or decide that despite what he felt, he was going to be a painter? Not everyone is great, but I think that most true greats followed their strengths, and that is as it should be. The reality is that some talents get paid more than others, and performance of any kind is going to be an obvious talent, but none are inferior, professional basketball players get a lot of attention, but it's not better than really developing a flair for color, or a natural empathy for others, or the abiity to listen with an open heart. Sure "pure compassion" is hard at a talent show, but no one could deny what a wonderful talent it is. It worked out much better for me to focus on being the funny one instead of the cute one. I know for years I tended to confuse hard work with just hard, that somehow I really proved something by suffering through something when in fact I hadn't, I don't like digging ditches, but I love to be at the food pantry, I hardly think that my service is less valuable because I did something I loved instead of something I hated. In fact I do find it frustrating how limited our view of what is a talent sometimes can be, how some things that people are good at are completely dismissed, my current pet peeve is the implication that being good at technology isn't a real talent, technology is of major importance in the world, I can't imagine saying "get away from that computer, go paint a picture" to someone with a touch for technology, but that does seem to be o.k. People that have been good at video games have changed our world, the world needs art but it also needs Steve Jobs, it needs ballet, and engineering, it needs hip-hop and ballet, it even needs classical and rap.
Finally I gave up the idea that suffering makes me noble, like I got some super special gift because there is an intense amount of mental suffering with my illness. Suffering just sucks and should be avoided at all costs, I'm not one of those people that they are better for suffering, I'm not, I thought I was for a long time, but as I get older I just find it has aged me too fast. I would be much more noble having the understanding and compassion I have for mental illness, without the bitterness, exhaustion, and fear. So much suffering in this world should not ever have to be experienced by anyone, I for one would be more than happy to have a world of weaker people if we could take all the strength away learned from horror. Suffering breaks a lot of people that otherwise would have had so much to give, in fact some of the best people in the world are least able to suffer. I've heard that many times about the holocaust, that the strong people survived but the good people died. Strength isn't always what it is cracked up to be, I would give up a hell of a lot of strength to give away some experiences I've had, the ones that made me strong are the ones I carry alone, because I had to live it, it needs no more life. I don't want to be strong in that way, I want to be vulnerable and able to talk about my life without feeling I need to protect people. Obviously weakness isn't great, but there is point where strong is too much, and expecting people to survive things to get strong as if that's a good thing is unfair. I can't think of one thing I've learned through suffering that I couldn't have learned in a more pleasant way, or at least in a way that I feel I can talk about. Suffering is part of life, and it finds us just fine without us seeking it out, a talented happy artist is just as good as one that suffers for his work. Suffering isn't a contest there is always someone somewhere suffering more than someone else, suffering is ugly, and soul destroying, no matter how much those that have suffered look like they are better and stronger. I have found that while I'm stronger myself, I'm also weak, because I literally can't deal with basic human suffering, I have had to ignore Japan altogether because I literally can't deal with it if I think about it. Frankly I was a much better person when I wasn't so strong, when I felt things without them overwhelming me. That fact that I selfishly have to look away from other people suffering because I feel it too deeply doesn't exactly scream noble. For too long I reveled in suffering, lived in it, felt great everytime I came out on the other side, and believe myself to be a step ahead of other people with "easy" live, after all hard lives is what makes personal growth, but I never will again, its just wrong. Jesus suffering for us was his gift to us, not a way to exhault himself, he suffered worse than anyone ever has, to take part of our suffering, and I would think that anyone suffering would hope that their suffering might remove a bit from someone else, it's just as important to embrace the moments of peace, as it is to live through the hard stuff. I'm sure anyone that has suffered on any level truly knows how precious and sometimes few those moments are, we need to spread them around as much as we can.
That said I don't spend a lot of time worrying about "should do" and "must do", and more time with "want to do" which seems to be considered a weakness. Somehow a lot of us seem to believe that doing stuff we admit we want to makes us bad people. The more we do we don't want to the better somehow we are. Really though, that isn't true even if we've internalized that rather sad idea. The bottom line is that non-crazy people really don't do things they don't want to do, going through hell is something no one wants to do, being self destructive over and over is something no one wants to do and frankly like suffering dealing with that kind of stuff is overwhelming. To do that to yourself if you csn control it is disturbing and frankly the majority of people in the world would not for a second consider doing sutt they don't want to do unless it's part of a bigger picture that is to their advantage and that is the way it should be. Most people do a lot of things in life they would rather not, but I can't imagine why anyone would do that as a philsophy of "I'm doing things that I really don't want to" they do those things to get them to a bigger goal, or to avoid an even more painful consequence. Having spent way too much of my life doing stuff I don't want to do, that had no reward at the end, and were beyond my control, I have no idea why a person would do that on purpose. I don't want to deal with loosing my house not having a job, thinking of myself as disabled, and not knowing how bad it might get. I can't imagine anyone that didn't have to do it thinking any of that is a good idea. Working hard and doing even the stuff you don't want to do is dedication to a goal, it's focusing on the big picture, and not demanding instant gratifiation. But it is still done not just to learn about doing stuff you don't want to do, it's done to get you somewhere you want to be. Not even the most disiplined person would wake up everyday to just do what they hate, and don't want to do for nothing, that isn't growth, that is punishment a pretty greek style punishment. Even our strengths have things that are harder for us, I love to cook but I have in irrational hatred for chopping things, I do it because it's a small piece of a bigger win, but what would be the point if I just got up everyday and chopped stuff and leave it there, just to chop more the next day? That would be a horrifying life, it sucks bad enough with an illness, but to choose that? Musts and shoulds are the same things, there are very few things I must do, or that can't wait, until a better time if I get a better offer. Very few moments in our lives are life and death, and that is really what a must is. Shoulds are just ways to make ourselves feel unworthy, don't spend time thinking "I should do XXX" either do it or find something else that needs to be done that you will do, if "I should" is going through your head, you change that to "I'm going to". I should load the dishwasher still has me here on my blog doing something I was enjoying but now feel guilty about. I'm going to go load the dishwasher after I finish my blog lets me enjoy this, and get the dishwasher loaded.
I know my illness colors my perception, but sometime what is frustrating to me is watching people that can enjoy their lives choosing to make them more difficult in some misguided belief it will make them a better person. I hate to watch people get bogged down in a list of things that aren't that important in the big picture in the false belief that doing that instead of something they love makes them a better person. I hate watching people spend all their time talking about, thinking about, worrying about their weaknesses, instead of celebrating their strengths. I've been blessed there are some horrible things in the world, but so many people get stuck with suffering and horror in their lives, if you didn't (and compared to so many that is true for me) then grab every blessed moment you can enjoy, and do stuff you love, that you are good at, and that you are passionate about. I know most people don't think of it that way, but choosing to make your life harder than it will be (and it will be we all struggle with something, thank goodness not inhuman suffering for most of us) no matter who you are (and I have done that) is refusing the gifts you have been given. The bad stuff will come it's a gift to learn to enjoy every single solitary second that bad stuff isn't there. Life ia a test it is hard, but it's not suppose to be endlessly painful until we die, for some there is admiration for pain and distain for the perception of a blessed life. That is messed up, a bleesed life take work, just like any other, there is nothing I hate worse than hearing "well if anything actually bad happened they would fall apart, everything is easy for them." I think those people would do what everyone else does, they would deal with it, but why in heaven's name would one wish that on anyone. I don't believe my problems are blessings they are my tests and I agreed to take this test, it is mine and I try not to compare at all. I have no idea what happened before I came here that made this test appropropriate for me, but it was my choice to come, and to do this, and to do it without worrying about other people's test. I have no idea what passing this test looks like either, I do my best, but I'm far from perfect, and I often really mess up, being imperfect is good company to be in, all the great people have the same issue that we all share. I truly believe we should cut ourselves a break, and not look at the worst of us, or concentrate on our failures. I can tell you that from my POV all the people I love are amazing successes in their lives, and I won't hear a word otherwise. I know a lot of almost perfect people which is a blessing.
What ideas that you had for many years, did you give up (or add) as you've gotten older that have really made a huge difference in how you see the world? How have your experiences shaped the way you feel about suffering, success, failure, and what makes you a better person?
Most importantly in what areas do you believe people are way too hard on themeselves so they can start messages that will make that better? Sin is real but between us and our savior, love is what we share with everyone, and sometimes I think we reverse that we talk about sin a lot, but keep the love quiet. I trust that people deal with their sin and repent, so that is not mine to worry about, what is mine is just to figure out how to love. In that we are so lucky as humans, we have to live our test but we are here to learn love, how awesome is that when you really think about it? I don't for one second have to worry about how people screw up, which is good because worrying about myself is a full time job. Bottom line is that we need to tell each other how awesome we are, and sometimes we forget what our job is with each other, and what the Saviors job is with us as individuals, I know I for one sometimes do that, the only thing worse than dwelling on our own weaknesses is dwelling on someone else's.
Oh and I still can't see any blogs including my own I can just post, anyone have the faintest idea what would cause that, it's totally random but I can rarely view anymore.
My first one was that I stopped using the terms success and failure because I would get wrapped up in them and where I was when in fact when I really think about them they are completely meaningless. Unless it's a measurable scientific experiment saying someone is successful tells me nothing about then. A basic definition of success and failure it that a failure is not meeting an expected outcome, and a success is meeting it. Yet if my expected outcome is that my life sucks, or the world is out to get me when those things happen I'm not a success. Some people have low expectations, some high, if a person with high expectations fails are they still doing better than the person with low expectations that suceeds? As a person with depressive tendancies, I was always able to recite a list of my failures, I knew them right off the top of my head, and keeping track did me no good, and correcting that by keeping track of successes hardly helped at all. If you ask "was his a successful life" unless a person wasn't very multifaceted where would you even start? At the end of our lives no one is going to do a tally and say well he had 427 successes and 428 failures so I guess he failed. The reality is that there is and can be no objective answer, generlly we find the people that love us will down play our failures and pay attention to our successes, and those that don't will do the opposite, and neither is that "right" answer so why bother asking the question? When I find my mind going to "I'm a complete failure" I have found that quickly correcting with "it's not over yet" is all I need to do. One of my favorite quotes from Anne Shirley (from the Anne of Green Gables) to paraphrase is that each new day is a day with no mistakes in it yet. We pay consequences all the time, but each new day is a day to do something right, so why not focus on that?
The other big focus for me was taking the value out of spending our time working on focusing on our weaknesses. I know myself and a lot of people pay a lot more attention to what they aren't good at so they can try to get a bit better, than focusing on their strengths and making themselves awesome. We all have weaknesses and yes, you need to work on them if they are destroying our lives, but that is seldom the case. One of my big ones for years was shyness, for some reason I identified that part of myself as a huge problem, so I would think about ways I could overcome that, and I agonized for years about getting better at small talk, and making light conversation. And in the end with all the thinking about trying to mske myself something I'm not I never became one bit more comfortable I just became a bit better at acting. Now that I've accepted "I'm a lousey small talker, leave that to someone else" and identified that my shyness helps me observe interactions, and I'm pretty good at getting good information from not trying to make akward small talk but from hanging back a bit until I can get something more meaningful (to me). Where I'm weak someone else is strong, and let them do what needs to be done there, while I focus on really being awesome at my strengths. It was a huge thing for me at work as well, I bought into the "try to be well rounded" idea, until I was taught this, and I realized no one was ever going to notice or promote me if I tried to learn accounting, I hate it and suck at is, and yeah, I might get better than I am but not enough to make it worth it. Instead I tried to identify what I'm really good at, and spend time becoming one of the best at that. And despite my recent issues, I was able to get a job I was really good at, and I was motivated to get better, because it feels better to be really good at something than mediocre at a bunch of stuff you aren't good at. I love to bake and I'm good at it, and it is so much more rewarding to me to be able to spend 5 hours making fabulous cupcakes, than to try to use the same four hours to sew a crooked hem. I've never had any coordination at all and that's o.k., so I won't ever be good at basketball, volleyball, or dancing, my life is no less full because I just don't worry about it anymore, instead I focus on what I am good at, which is being a spectator in many of those things, and truly appreciating the talents of people that are good. Sure there are things I suck at but enjoy, like art, so I do that for fun, but I would never spend the vast majority of my time and money trying to be a better painter, my time and money is much better spend elsewhere while I paint for me without feeling any pressure. Plus by turning my attention to my strengths I have found I'm good at stuff I would have never thought, I actually enjoy public speaking and I'm good at it, I love to teach, and I'm good at it. In the past few years I've found that I really enjoy life sciences, once I got past the fact that I'm not all that good at chemistry or physics (which is where I stopped) I found that I love medical science, forensic science, etc. and I'm actually good at it. Our Heavenly Father gave all of us amazing talents, none of us got skipped, and it really is sad to watch someone with a natural flair for something ignore it because it's "too easy" and spend all their time focusing on something that was harder but not better for them. What if Mozart decide music was too easy for him, and he need to focus on his weakneses (which is kind of scary), or decide that despite what he felt, he was going to be a painter? Not everyone is great, but I think that most true greats followed their strengths, and that is as it should be. The reality is that some talents get paid more than others, and performance of any kind is going to be an obvious talent, but none are inferior, professional basketball players get a lot of attention, but it's not better than really developing a flair for color, or a natural empathy for others, or the abiity to listen with an open heart. Sure "pure compassion" is hard at a talent show, but no one could deny what a wonderful talent it is. It worked out much better for me to focus on being the funny one instead of the cute one. I know for years I tended to confuse hard work with just hard, that somehow I really proved something by suffering through something when in fact I hadn't, I don't like digging ditches, but I love to be at the food pantry, I hardly think that my service is less valuable because I did something I loved instead of something I hated. In fact I do find it frustrating how limited our view of what is a talent sometimes can be, how some things that people are good at are completely dismissed, my current pet peeve is the implication that being good at technology isn't a real talent, technology is of major importance in the world, I can't imagine saying "get away from that computer, go paint a picture" to someone with a touch for technology, but that does seem to be o.k. People that have been good at video games have changed our world, the world needs art but it also needs Steve Jobs, it needs ballet, and engineering, it needs hip-hop and ballet, it even needs classical and rap.
Finally I gave up the idea that suffering makes me noble, like I got some super special gift because there is an intense amount of mental suffering with my illness. Suffering just sucks and should be avoided at all costs, I'm not one of those people that they are better for suffering, I'm not, I thought I was for a long time, but as I get older I just find it has aged me too fast. I would be much more noble having the understanding and compassion I have for mental illness, without the bitterness, exhaustion, and fear. So much suffering in this world should not ever have to be experienced by anyone, I for one would be more than happy to have a world of weaker people if we could take all the strength away learned from horror. Suffering breaks a lot of people that otherwise would have had so much to give, in fact some of the best people in the world are least able to suffer. I've heard that many times about the holocaust, that the strong people survived but the good people died. Strength isn't always what it is cracked up to be, I would give up a hell of a lot of strength to give away some experiences I've had, the ones that made me strong are the ones I carry alone, because I had to live it, it needs no more life. I don't want to be strong in that way, I want to be vulnerable and able to talk about my life without feeling I need to protect people. Obviously weakness isn't great, but there is point where strong is too much, and expecting people to survive things to get strong as if that's a good thing is unfair. I can't think of one thing I've learned through suffering that I couldn't have learned in a more pleasant way, or at least in a way that I feel I can talk about. Suffering is part of life, and it finds us just fine without us seeking it out, a talented happy artist is just as good as one that suffers for his work. Suffering isn't a contest there is always someone somewhere suffering more than someone else, suffering is ugly, and soul destroying, no matter how much those that have suffered look like they are better and stronger. I have found that while I'm stronger myself, I'm also weak, because I literally can't deal with basic human suffering, I have had to ignore Japan altogether because I literally can't deal with it if I think about it. Frankly I was a much better person when I wasn't so strong, when I felt things without them overwhelming me. That fact that I selfishly have to look away from other people suffering because I feel it too deeply doesn't exactly scream noble. For too long I reveled in suffering, lived in it, felt great everytime I came out on the other side, and believe myself to be a step ahead of other people with "easy" live, after all hard lives is what makes personal growth, but I never will again, its just wrong. Jesus suffering for us was his gift to us, not a way to exhault himself, he suffered worse than anyone ever has, to take part of our suffering, and I would think that anyone suffering would hope that their suffering might remove a bit from someone else, it's just as important to embrace the moments of peace, as it is to live through the hard stuff. I'm sure anyone that has suffered on any level truly knows how precious and sometimes few those moments are, we need to spread them around as much as we can.
That said I don't spend a lot of time worrying about "should do" and "must do", and more time with "want to do" which seems to be considered a weakness. Somehow a lot of us seem to believe that doing stuff we admit we want to makes us bad people. The more we do we don't want to the better somehow we are. Really though, that isn't true even if we've internalized that rather sad idea. The bottom line is that non-crazy people really don't do things they don't want to do, going through hell is something no one wants to do, being self destructive over and over is something no one wants to do and frankly like suffering dealing with that kind of stuff is overwhelming. To do that to yourself if you csn control it is disturbing and frankly the majority of people in the world would not for a second consider doing sutt they don't want to do unless it's part of a bigger picture that is to their advantage and that is the way it should be. Most people do a lot of things in life they would rather not, but I can't imagine why anyone would do that as a philsophy of "I'm doing things that I really don't want to" they do those things to get them to a bigger goal, or to avoid an even more painful consequence. Having spent way too much of my life doing stuff I don't want to do, that had no reward at the end, and were beyond my control, I have no idea why a person would do that on purpose. I don't want to deal with loosing my house not having a job, thinking of myself as disabled, and not knowing how bad it might get. I can't imagine anyone that didn't have to do it thinking any of that is a good idea. Working hard and doing even the stuff you don't want to do is dedication to a goal, it's focusing on the big picture, and not demanding instant gratifiation. But it is still done not just to learn about doing stuff you don't want to do, it's done to get you somewhere you want to be. Not even the most disiplined person would wake up everyday to just do what they hate, and don't want to do for nothing, that isn't growth, that is punishment a pretty greek style punishment. Even our strengths have things that are harder for us, I love to cook but I have in irrational hatred for chopping things, I do it because it's a small piece of a bigger win, but what would be the point if I just got up everyday and chopped stuff and leave it there, just to chop more the next day? That would be a horrifying life, it sucks bad enough with an illness, but to choose that? Musts and shoulds are the same things, there are very few things I must do, or that can't wait, until a better time if I get a better offer. Very few moments in our lives are life and death, and that is really what a must is. Shoulds are just ways to make ourselves feel unworthy, don't spend time thinking "I should do XXX" either do it or find something else that needs to be done that you will do, if "I should" is going through your head, you change that to "I'm going to". I should load the dishwasher still has me here on my blog doing something I was enjoying but now feel guilty about. I'm going to go load the dishwasher after I finish my blog lets me enjoy this, and get the dishwasher loaded.
I know my illness colors my perception, but sometime what is frustrating to me is watching people that can enjoy their lives choosing to make them more difficult in some misguided belief it will make them a better person. I hate to watch people get bogged down in a list of things that aren't that important in the big picture in the false belief that doing that instead of something they love makes them a better person. I hate watching people spend all their time talking about, thinking about, worrying about their weaknesses, instead of celebrating their strengths. I've been blessed there are some horrible things in the world, but so many people get stuck with suffering and horror in their lives, if you didn't (and compared to so many that is true for me) then grab every blessed moment you can enjoy, and do stuff you love, that you are good at, and that you are passionate about. I know most people don't think of it that way, but choosing to make your life harder than it will be (and it will be we all struggle with something, thank goodness not inhuman suffering for most of us) no matter who you are (and I have done that) is refusing the gifts you have been given. The bad stuff will come it's a gift to learn to enjoy every single solitary second that bad stuff isn't there. Life ia a test it is hard, but it's not suppose to be endlessly painful until we die, for some there is admiration for pain and distain for the perception of a blessed life. That is messed up, a bleesed life take work, just like any other, there is nothing I hate worse than hearing "well if anything actually bad happened they would fall apart, everything is easy for them." I think those people would do what everyone else does, they would deal with it, but why in heaven's name would one wish that on anyone. I don't believe my problems are blessings they are my tests and I agreed to take this test, it is mine and I try not to compare at all. I have no idea what happened before I came here that made this test appropropriate for me, but it was my choice to come, and to do this, and to do it without worrying about other people's test. I have no idea what passing this test looks like either, I do my best, but I'm far from perfect, and I often really mess up, being imperfect is good company to be in, all the great people have the same issue that we all share. I truly believe we should cut ourselves a break, and not look at the worst of us, or concentrate on our failures. I can tell you that from my POV all the people I love are amazing successes in their lives, and I won't hear a word otherwise. I know a lot of almost perfect people which is a blessing.
What ideas that you had for many years, did you give up (or add) as you've gotten older that have really made a huge difference in how you see the world? How have your experiences shaped the way you feel about suffering, success, failure, and what makes you a better person?
Most importantly in what areas do you believe people are way too hard on themeselves so they can start messages that will make that better? Sin is real but between us and our savior, love is what we share with everyone, and sometimes I think we reverse that we talk about sin a lot, but keep the love quiet. I trust that people deal with their sin and repent, so that is not mine to worry about, what is mine is just to figure out how to love. In that we are so lucky as humans, we have to live our test but we are here to learn love, how awesome is that when you really think about it? I don't for one second have to worry about how people screw up, which is good because worrying about myself is a full time job. Bottom line is that we need to tell each other how awesome we are, and sometimes we forget what our job is with each other, and what the Saviors job is with us as individuals, I know I for one sometimes do that, the only thing worse than dwelling on our own weaknesses is dwelling on someone else's.
Oh and I still can't see any blogs including my own I can just post, anyone have the faintest idea what would cause that, it's totally random but I can rarely view anymore.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
