Happy New Year - Bring On 2010!

Not only is it the eve of a new year, the close of a decade & start of a new, there will be also be a full moon (the second for the month), a lunar eclipse .... a blue moon to boot. Maybe it could be seen as a good omen. New Beginnings marked by rather an auspicious event. Something that only happens every 20 years or so.

We've nothing grand planned for tonight. Just a nice quiet evening at home, with my bottle Bailey's at the ready, my husband, my children & Shaun Micellaf with his zany, crazy humour watching his New Year Rave Party on the box.

2009 has been a difficult year but I made it through. Life's challenged me in many ways & somehow I have managed to keep my head above water & keep myself from drowning in the mess. Whilst pondering over the events of the last 12 months I realise that I need to take better care of myself. I need to spend more time with myself, for myself!

I realise that I let my responsibilities as a mother & wife override what I need for myself. And what I need for myself is to allow myself the time to persue my own personal dreams. I love my family very much & it isn't their fault that this has happened. The blame for this situation lies solely with me. I let it happen!

So with this in mind I begin a New year with a clearer mind, a clean palate & a new drive to see things change. Bring on 2010!

Remembering my teens!

Some days are diamonds! The weather was glum, rainy & humid but this wasn't enough to put a damper on the day.

How lovely it was to spend this time with these very special woman. Both so kind, warm, worldly & definitely not short on the smarts.

All of us different in many ways, living differing lives but still sharing one commonality & that being our teen years.

Even though I know so much time has passed since those years ... just being with them brings those feelings flooding back. How very special were those years!!! Impressionable years, so exciting, so confusingly wonderful & never to be forgotten.

Trophy Day!

What a truly special day it was for them all today. The anticipation of this day has been building for weeks. For some of these beautiful people, this will be the only celebration that they will experience this festive season.

Each of them are called by name to receive their team trophy. For each one, the expression of excitement is written all over their faces when they hear their name called out loud. This is followed by a chorus of cheers & applause. They radiate pride, which is what this is all about. The building of pride, of achievement, of self esteem!

It is wonderful to see them achieve & grow.

Exhausted Mind!

Today I have experienced it all!

Every emotion that is humanly possible to feel in one day!

Love

Pride for a loved one

Empathy

Sympathy

Concern

Sadness

Fear

Hurt

Confusion

Doubt

Anger

Happiness

How can so many things happen in one day that would cause a person to experience such an array of emotion.

Some things weigh heavy on my heart ! I've no idea how to alleviate what burdens my mind.

My heart & my head are at war with how to solve the problem.

This unfortunately is the condition of the human mind! We have these complex, thought filled minds that never stop working, they are designed to problem solve. This, I feel, is both a blessing & a curse.

When life throws unpleasant events in my direction, I immediately go into problem solving mode. I feel as though it is my job to make things right & when this process fails, it causes my mind to go into overdrive.

Oh my goodness the complex nitty gritty of life .... is so, so exhausting.

Little Girl Lost!

I can see her!

The little one of all those years ago.

I see her black curly hair, her cheeky blue eyes & her little face that was speckled with freckles from hours playing out in the QLD sun!

She had so much excitable energy, an innocence that only a child can possess & all this was budled up in one little parcel that was Katherine.

She was not like her sister, whom was pretty, smart & sweet in nature.

She was a tom boy ... a little girl that loved playing in mud, catching bugs, building cubbies & climbling trees.

Her childhood was one big imaginarium of fun & games.

She loved escaping into her world of make believe.

One day she was Freda from Abba, another she was a vet, an explorer, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a builder ... you name it, she was it!

Everything was an adventure. An exciting & new experience.

Thoughts of inadequacy, of self doubt, of self loathing were a non issue in those days, cause they simply didn't exist.

I wonder to myself where these self depreciating thoughts began.

I wonder how a child whom was raised in a calm & loving enviroment by a wonderful mother could via away from the confident, carefree child of all those years ago!

I think that excitable, adventurous little girl is still in there

If I can just peel away the layers I think I may find that she is still & buried beneath, I may just find her!

Wouldn't it be just grande if there was a pill to restore, self respect & self worth?

I guess that would be too easy & there would be no lessons to be learned from a quick fix like that!

I will find her!

I love life!

What is that I hear? What I hear is nothing! Nothing but the rustling of the wind through the palms, the clock on the wall & the fridge motor. Oh, how I love being on my own.

Time spent with myself is always cherished as it doesn't happen all that often these days. It is nice to be able to be with ones self & not be distracted by what's happening around.

As I sit here & sip on a freshly brewed coffee .... I reflect on people from my past, some of whom are still with me in the present. I think about the what if's, the if only's, the should have's & the would have's. Then I smack myself back into reality & remember what is! And, what is, is pretty damn good.

I may not live a lavish existence, I may not travel abroad & I may not live in a flashy suburb. All these things pale into unimportance when I remember what I do have. And what I do have is priceless. Not replaceable...once lost! Then I begin to think about the what's possible!
And anything is possible! Possibilities are really endless...the future is yet to be written. I love knowing this .... an empty canvass ... a palate of colour ... endless possibitlies! I really do love life!!

~ The Secret Millionaire ~

With lump in throat & tears welling in my eyes, I'm all choked up from the new show that started on TV tonight. The Secret Millionaire! What an awesome show! It would be a wonderful to be able to do something like this for those most needy in our community.

Having worked for years out in the community, in the homes of others. I have a level of understanding of how important these monotary gifts would mean to these wondeful people & to the people that they support.

It is easy, when your not exposed to the misfortune of others , to pass judgment or turn an eye to what is happening . A case of ignorance is bliss & what you don't know can't hurt you.

Whilst watching this show I felt ashamed that I am not doing more to help others who are less fortunate than myself. I think it would do us all well to spend time helping others in need. I'm sure such an experience would open the hearts & the minds of people.

The Birth of a New Day!

What to Do....What to Do! Another day gone, another beginning!

It's an early rise for me this morning. Not forcibly so but by choice.
The morning sun is filtering through the timber blinds, catching the dust particles as it passes through & warming my back. It is so quiet I can hear the birdlife outside, through the closed window panes. So beautiful! How I love to listen to the birds. I think to myself how much we need to be more like birds & greet the day more like they do with a song in our heart. Happy at the birth of a new day.

I remember the hazy skies & warm winds that blew all day yesterday & pray that the stillness of the tress outside are an indicator that yesterday will not be replicated today. Yesterday left me with a depressive feeling ... the air was awful to breathe & it felt like there was a heavy blanket lying over the top me most of the day, keeping my mood supressed.

My husband has gone early today so I lay here by myself mulling over many thoughts in my head. Christmas is afoot & I think it is only 10 or so weeks away. I know everyone says this but how scary is that. Another year almost gone. The year 2009 is almost over. I think to myself where the bloody hell did it go.

I want things to slow down a tad. How come as a child a day seemed like a week, a week like a month & a month like a year. Bring me back those days! Time is what we all need more of & to me this seems quite bizarre in this age & time. We live in a world with so many conveniences, electric time saving devices, more fast & efficient ways of doing things. All of this is supposed to give us more time but does it? Nup, it doesn't!

I often think to myself I that I was born a generation or 2 too late. I feel like I am more of an old world type of person. I think that my personality would have suited less technologically advanced times.

Well , there is no harm in the art of pondering. My reality is the here & now. I have made a concious decision to be like the birds singing outside my window & greet this day with a song in my heart. Tweet! Tweet!

Morning Tea with Mum!

Such a beautiful day. We sit around the tabke which has been so lovingly set by my gorgeous mother. A table adorned with freshly made piklets, jam & honey and of course a fresh brew of tea.

It's not everyday that we all get to sit around the table as a family, just as we did whilst growing up. Just Mum, my sister, my brother & me. Sitting at the same table, near the same window & of course in the same house.

What a beautiful thing, a simple pleasure but beautiful just the same. In the midst of our morning tea we reflected upon times gone bye. In particular my brother & his tendancies to tease us, his sisters. I remember these times fondly, we all have a good giggle at the things he did & how we reacted to those things.

My brother did spice up our lives a tad. He was always mischeivious in the most innocent of ways. We were his sisters & the object of his affections.

Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say!

I tell my sons, "Say what you mean & mean what you say," sloppily chosen words are like weapons that can cut deep into a persons heart & damage their mind. The flip side of this is that carefully selected words can mend a wound & can have a preservative effect on a persons heart & soul.

We are at most vulnerable when we place our trust in another, laying it out there, having faith in the belief that they also have our best interests at heart.

I advise them to choose carefully to whom they disclose their inner most feelings to & to whom they open their hearts too. To listen to what their hearts & their heads say to them. To place their trust firstly in themselves. Listen to their intuitive selves first.

My maternal instincts drive me to prepare them for what curveballs life may throw their way. I can only advise them in hope that some preparation may guard them from unecessary hurt but am not that naive to think that it will stop it from happening.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

I wanted to watch it when it was on at the cinemas but never managed to get there.

"The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas" was the movie. My son knew I had wanted to see it & kindly rented it for me whilst on a visit to the local video shop yesterday. So after dinner last night my husband & I watched it together, which really is something of a rarity.

Well....now I am wishing I hadn't watched it! I should have known the journey the story was taking us on but somehow I thought this one particular story may have a happy ending, how very naieve of me.

I cried a river of tears when I saw all those people being rounded up into the gas chamber like pigs to the slaughter. Hundreds of malnourished, broken human beings whose lives had been stolen away by the germans. The genocide of Jews during World War 11 was horrific. I can't even begin to imagine how terrifyingly scary this would have been. Millions of people were systematically exterminated under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

The visual memory of the closing scene of this movie will haunt me forever. These 2 beautiful little boys standing naked amongst all the other unfortunate men & woman awaiting their terrible, terrible fate. The little boys are oblivious to what is about to happen to them, but your see fear enter their little faces as they glance at one another & hold each others hand....the chamber goes black & they are gone.

I sit here now & think how very lucky we are. I wonder how the survivors of such horror actually survived such barbaric cruelty. I wonder how the participants of such evilness towards others, the participants of such inhumane torchure could have lived with what they had done.

It makes me mad & very sad.

Perspective!

I read her post & it begins to read: I now gain perspective.

Perspective is a strange thing, it is an individual point of view on a situation; a mental evaluation of sorts. It can also be ever-changing just like the seasons, or the flow of a tide.

I too have had a change of perspective today. My opinion on a certain situation has been altered & quite suprisingly so. It is as though this change in feeling has been carried in on the Westerly winds that blow through the city today. Whilst visibility has been reduced by a freakish red dust storm; I have somehow found a new clarity in my thought processes with regard to another situation.

I want to shake them all! Shake sense into their beings! It has been said by many people, many times before but the essence of these 4 short words ring true. "Life is too short "

A new television series is about to begin on TV in a few short weeks. It is about seeing your life 6 months into the future...flashforwarding into a future that is yet to happen. This could be considered a curse or a blessing depending on what it is you see.

If the terrible event that occured yesterday could have been forcast.... I wonder to myself how differently things may have been. Kinder words would have been spoken, different decisions would have been made. I believe that a lot of people live with the misconception that nothing will ever happen to them. That they will have an abundance of tomorrows. Sadly this is not true to every person. One day each one of us will reach our last today & there will be no more tomorrows. This is exactly the reason why we need to monitor ourselves, think before we speak & act.

I have today! I am here right now! I have the opportunity to make a decision about how I am going to react to this event & be true to who I am as a kind & empahtetic human being. I have decided not to let the opinion or the perspective of another curb by instincts to do what I believe to be right!

Well Done Old Friend!

Oh my god!

The thoughts that must be going through his head!

What a truly amazing achievment.

To win an Emmy!

Absolutely awesome!

I think to myself the pride that his parents must feel at this time.

To see their son win such a prestigious award!

To share with their son the joy of such a momentous moment!

His future is big!

There will be more of this to come, I am sure

What makes this achievment all the more special is that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

Congratulations on such an awesome achievment old friend! Well Done!

Time To Kill!

So much time on my hands! But alas, too sick to do much with it ... Time to Kill! So that is what I do, whilst I lie hear on my pjs , I do the least physical things you can do with spare time.

I pass the time reading other peoples blogs, watching movies, reading , drinking lemon & honey tea in an effort to sooth the symptoms of this bug.

I read their blogs & realise that we although we co-exsist on this planet; we all travel along to the beat of our own drums. Following our own dreams, striving to achieve our hearts desires, circulating within our own circle of friends. Co - existing in this world but living totally different lives.

Even the lives of those that dwell closely together in this life, have their own thoughts, ideas & ways of dealing with things. This is ' individuality'. It is these differences in people that we find either endearing or off putting.

Has the World Gone Mad!

Has this world gone mad!

I am truly starting to believe that it has.

Laws, Legislation, Policies & Procedures were suposidly introduced to bring justice, fairness & order into the world. It seems to me though that this world is now surrounded by so much bureaucratic red tape that it has got to the point of being rediculous.

Now we spend more time filling in paperwork...dotting our i's & crossing our t's....than we do with the subject of our care...it's rediculous.

No more taking photos of your children in school events, in church or at the public pool

No more saying Good Boy...Bad Boy!

Risk assessment, upon risk assessment, upon risk assessment

No more recognition for a job well done

Not to mention a list of politically incorrect things that you musn't say

My work over the years has taken me into the homes of so many people. I see a world crumbling. Our children, whoms rights are being protected are becoming wilder & less controllable. That is not to say that all of them are like that but there are many. A parents rights, stolen away! A child gone haywire & parents that can't intervene for fear of retribution from a department that says they don't have the right.

My baby is 13 Today!

Today he is 13! My baby turns 13! A teenager! Where have all the years gone?.....

I know where they've gone.

They have gone into 13 years of wonderful memory making ! Thirteen wonderful years of joy is what he has brought to us.

He has gone from the bum shuffeling baby saying,"Wiggles Mummy, Toot Toot Chugga Chugga" to the card collecting football obsessessed boy saying, "Mum can I go see the Broncos at Suncorp Stadium?"
One thing that has been a constant with Matt is his infectious & beautiful smile.

A smile, so generously shared with all. He has the innate ability to lift the mood in the room with his presence. He has spirit of kindness that is recognised by many of those around him. A trait I believe will serve him well throughout his journey through life.

Blue eyes, dark curly hair, big broad smile & a wicked sense of humour that has brought much delight to those around him. He has an artistic flair & a love of all things football. My, how he loves football. This is something that he shares in common with his Dad.

We also share commonalities....Our love of animals, our compassion for others, our hands, our feet & our eyes amongst many other things. He is a lot like me in many ways.

I am very proud of my young man. He has brought me much joy of which I will be forever grateful for. I love him very much.

A Nice Normal Day!

It is a warmer than usual Saturday afternoon in August. I sit here on my own but outside the world is a buzz of activity.
I hear my neighbours beautiful children & their squeals of delight as their father plays with them in the yard. It is a beautiful thing to hear!
My husband is up in his 'giggle house' (shed) enjoying one of his favourite past times. Most of my husbands favourite pastimes involve an insult to silence. So I also hear the drone of a sander & beneath that his old stereo blasting out 80's tunes. I know that whilst he is in this little world he is without worry & is in a happy place. This gives me peace.
My son is in his bedroom playing football on the box. He's in a happy place too!
It is overall a really relaxing Saturday afternoon. A nice normal day!

Happy Birthday Nephew!

What a beautiful little boy! One day he will grow to be a beautiful young man. The seeds of kindness were planted early into his being. He was blessed with a gorgeous, adoring mother & and engaging father. I must not forget to mention, he had 2 doting sisters, whom also mother him.

I remember holding this little bundle in my arms, he had little rose bud lips, a cherubs cheeks & his fathers big brown eyes. It seemed that before he even walked he could talk. It was almost like he'd visited this world before. He had an old world charm from a very young age. His words had such clarity & were spoken with such precision. It was evident from an early age he was a bright star.
He is the baby in the family & is very loved indeed.

We have watched him grow over the past 8 years. He is a handsome, caring, respectful & thoughtful young man. He aims to please in so many ways. He is just adorable!

Happy 8th Birthday Young Man!

Your Aunty is very proud!

I hope she'll be OK!

I awake this morning & I think of how she must be feeling. A feeling I never want to experience myself!
I wonder how she will get through it! How she manages to even put one foot in front of the other.
The mere thought of this happening to me leaves me paralyzed with fear!
I peer outside the window & discover it is a beautiful morning, at least they have this one small blessing on what undoubtedly will be a very long & difficult day.

I cast my mind back to when we were 10. I remember playing with her in her parents house. I can see her mother. A beautiful woman, very kind but also demanding of respect. There were some very strict house rules in their house & visitors also had to abide. I recall my friend tutoring me on all the what to do's & what not to do's, not that I really needed it, cause I was a good girl of course. Her children were all very obedient & well behaved, including my friend. I remember seeing her mother & father together. They were the were a poster perfect married couple & I have learned that they remained so right till the end.
I then remember the Fridays that my friend, myself & other friends from school would all pile into another friends Mum's old Kingswood station wagon.
My how things have changed. Four of us would sit along the benchseat in the front, another four in the backseat & in the boot there was about 5. We were all on top of one another & all I can remember is giggling all the way to softball & all the way back. They were some fun times.
My heart is filled with compassion for this old friend & her beloved family on this very sad day!
May her beautiful mother rest in peace! She can rest in peace knowing that she did her very best for herself, her husband & her family. She can rest knowing that she also touched the lives of many other people. She was a good person indeed!

Rest In Peace Eunice Shriver!

Rest in Peace Eunice Shriver!

Your time on this earth meant so much to so many people!

You have given truth to the saying that one person can make a difference.

You have lead by example.

Through your love & tireless efforts you have fought tenaciously to change the world for these people. You have taught the world to look through different eyes ... to see the beautiful nature of these wonderful people.

You taught the world that people of all abilities can learn, can love, can grow, can contribute & can shine. That we are all deserved of love.

Your dedication has seen a shift in the stigma that surrounded people with mental & physical illness.

I work with the disabled. I experience every Friday just how well they can achieve. Just how well they can love. I see first hand how they help eachother, without reservation.
Through my interactions with them I have come to the realisation that there is much that we could learn from them.

Your dedication to the cause has lit a fire in the bellies of many.... you will not be forgotten.

You achieved what you set out to do ... Thank you!

OH!

Oh my God! I can't even begin to imagine what lesson I am meant to take away from what transpired today. I am unable to comprehend these events. To throw away years of memories, shared moments of togetherness, how meaningless it must all have been to them. Most of all I feel sympathetic to the person to whom it was all directed. A time when a good turn was twisted & turned into something not good at all. When a kind gesture was turned into something it was not like a maliable piece of moulding clay.
An unforseeable event, something that one doesn't expect or plan for. It was like a tidal wave! Arrived unexpectedly & in it's path has left what seems to be an unfixable pile of destruction.
My nerves have been thrown into turmoil, my body overwhelmed by an uncontrolable tremble, quivering within, there is a tightening my throat & I am left numb to all that is happening around me.
I wish I could throw the rewind button & take it back to a place of peaceful pause or fast forward to a future where things have been mended & resolved. If only life were that easy!

Escapism!

Escapism....is what I needed today!

This morning I decided to take my brood for breakfast at IKEA. Besides the fact that we were out of breakfast type foods at home, it seemed like a better way to start the day & also gave me the morning out of the kitchen. No dishes to wash & that is always cause for small celebration.

I had awoken from slumber abruptly & this left me feeling quite flat in mood, saddened by the rude awakening I had just experienced. The youngest of my children had awoken in tears. Heart wrenching, sad, sad tears. He had a nightmare about his great grandmother which found him weeping uncrontrollably at my bedside.

I held him in my arms & told him it was just a bad dream. After a long cuddle & some comforting words, I encouraged him to do something that would distract him from these sorrow filled thoughts.

A quick stop home after our IKEA breakfast, still found me in a sombre state of mind. I felt the need to escape. Where to, I didn't know, I just wanted to get out. Get out from behind these four walls & go!
An invitation for my sons to join me was accepted. I let them know that I didn't know where I was going, just that I needed to go. I needed to get out.

We found ourselves on the meandering roads leading up to Tamborine Mountain. This beautiful place was just the medicine I needed to ground myself & bring myself back from the blues. It seems when I am with nature a thought switch is flicked on. I ponder over things, wonder about things, remember events & think forward in my mind. It is hard to remain negative in a place of such serene beauty. Somehow I gain clarity from just being there, taking in the view & breathing in the pure air.

I realised whilst in this thoughtfilled state, looking out at the picturesque view that my sons nightmare was also my most dreaded fear. With the events of the last few weeks, my grandmother has been foremost in my mind. His nightmare whilst in sleep was my nightmare in the waking hours.

I reassured myself just as I did with my son that she is OK right now. And for now that is all that matters. Now!

Words.....

And so I put out it out there, my thoughts in words. I see them lingering, floating around in cyber space like particles of dust caught in the breeze, most likely never to be read by another.
There is both relief & sadness in this knowledge.
I have gained so much from the written word. Words are by far the most powerful tools we have in our arsenal of communication.
Words can be both healing & hurtful!
When I write it is always with great trepidation. Always carefully monitoring what words I use so as to minimise any damage should my words actually be read.
This can be limiting at times!

Temporarily Out if Action!

He feels her absence with such intensity! She was his stability, his lending ear, his conversation partner & she was also his mother. He was born with a disability at birth, Cerebral Palsy & she was meant to be there for him for a long time, to guide him through all the hurdles that life had in store for him. I know that this was her plan, that she wanted to be here for her children in mind & body but unfortunately her life cut unexpectedly short. A situation she had little control over!

Overwhelmed with sadness he coccooned himself in a capsule of silence & solitude that was seldomly entered into by another.

It's taken time & the persistance from a good mate ,my son, to crack through the hardened protective shell. This boy is once again a participant in life. He is living, laughing & having a good time. I hear them in the bedroom...the boyish wisecracks being thrown too & fro. I know that in this moment in time, at least, that he is free of his grief!
I feel his mothers presence, I know that she is happy to see him this way! To see her young man smiling once again.

He will be alright!

My Brother!

My Brother!

A gentle giant with a heart of gold!

My childhood playmate & tormentor all rolled into one jolly little package

Memories are many & interesting to say the least

He has a softness about him that I have always found endearing

A trusting nature that could easily be taken advantage of. He sees the goodness in people.

I know that he love me, his little sister, his daily phonecalls assure me of that.

He has been my teacher of patience & tolerence which has served me well as a mother to 3 sons

To choose some words to describe him I would have to say

Loving
Caring
Compassionate
Teasing ( in the sibling kinda way)
Humourous
A big softy
A loving friend & family member

He is an all round good big brother & man!

Sister!

Sister

Alice!

A blessed union gifted to me at birth

A friendship that is as treasured as life itself

I thank her for her patience in my younger years

For loving me even at those times when I was not very lovable

For forgiving me those times when I abused her trust

How lucky & fortunate am I

I am truly blessed

This beautiful woman born with the most cordial & gracious of hearts

We share childhood memories, such a glorious collage of memories

She is my mentor, at times my protector & at all times my friend

A friend that I am guaranteed to have for life

For this I am forever grateful

I love my sister very much!

And the Boys Play!

Oh beautiful day!

I stand at a distance & watch them play! Father & son! Actively sharing a common interest, kicking & tossing an oval shaped ball around the field. There is laughter, there is trickery, there is blokey conversation & boyish banter going on. I love it! I take it all in! I feel a need to make a mental note of this moment. So, I soak it up. The beauty of this day & of this moment! And it really is such a beautiful day.
Blue, cloudless skies above me & the warmth of the winter sun beaming down upon me, warming me from the outside in. I am so happy to be here in this moment & in this time. The air is cool, crisp & clean. So easy to breathe. Nature sings it's song behind me in the bush, birds, crickets & frogs all participants in this beautiful chorus.

It is moments like these that really matter. We must make more moments like these! No matter how hard things can sometimes be, we must take time to breathe, to play, to laugh & sometimes to just BE!

An extraordinary Woman!

Happy Birthday to You ...
Happy Birthday to You ....
Happy Birthday Dear Mum ....
Happy Birthday to You!

If I had a Birthday wish I could grant to her, it would be to take all the stressors out of her life. Remove all worry, so that she can enjoy her life!
Whilst in an endeavour to find one word to describe my mother...I came to the realisation that it was not possible to find just one word to describe her as it simply would not suffice!

My mother has taught me so much about love & life! About trust & trustworthiness! About empathy & sypathy! About responsiblity & sacrifice!

My mother is everything I have listed below & much, much more!

Nurturer

Friend

Teacher

Lecturer

Counsellor

Nurse

Chef

Taxi Driver

Protector

etc...etc...etc


An Extraordinary Woman!

Beautiful Ballerina!

My beautiful Ballerina is blossoming!

She is no longer our little water guzzling, dorothy the dinosaur twirling, little frahula.

She is just so gorgeous, this beautiful girl.

She is no longer a child & yet she is not quite a woman.

She stands at a crossroads in her life but her life is only beginning!

There is so much more to come for her.

I remember 13!

A very memorable year, as I am sure this year will be for her too.

I recall it as a learning year, and not in the academic sense of the word, but rather an awakening of new emotions & feelings, that are both exciting, sometimes scary and at times confusing

I will avail myself to her when she needs me.

I will help guide her as I vowed to do on her Christening Day.

She has such a bright, beautiful future full of wonderful possibilities.

I am her aunt, of which I am proud!

A Beautiful Woman!

Tonight I am encapsulated in a place of sadness! I built a wall that I thought was inpenetrable. A wall of protection from what was in fact inevitable. How silly was I?
There's an inner feeling of fear of what's to come. The mere thought of it fills my heart with dread & makes my stomach turn about in ways I can't describe. I dare not begin to imagine what she must be thinking or feeling right now. The most certain feeling of fear that she must be experiencing. Yes, it is true that she is old but she is first a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother , a grandmother & a friend to so many. Age is but a number....it is a stamp of experience & wisdom. It is an accumulation of birthdays, easters & christmas's .
This wonderful woman has lived, she's experienced in it's entireity the ups & downs of life on the grandest of scales. She certainly contributed in a rather large way to the worlds population and she can hold her head up high & be proud of her offspring. She did well! A proud mother she can be!
She is loved. She is so, so loved!
I wish I had the power to make things different for her. To have been able to grant her that wish, a wish that she shared with me on one of my visits with her. I would if I could Nanny! We all would! This is not going to be an easy transition for her...it's not going to be easy for the family that care closely for her....
Their love & devotion are a testmament to what a beautiful woman she is!

Things I Love ...A never ending list!

Things that I love:

I love the blessing of my mother, the woman who gave me life & gave of her life to me!

I love the gift of my sister & brother.... whom I taught me different kinds of love I giving.

I love my husband, my life partner, my protector, my confidant!

I love my boys so, so very much that at times it hurts

I love my nieces & nephew whom hold a place in my heart with my own children

I love my family & friends whom add laughter & colour to my life

I love the cool air on a winters morning & breathing it deep into my lungs

I love first light, just as the sun emerges from behind the horizon

I also love last light when the sky is pink & everything takes on a Champagne Hue

I love to hear laughter, to see smiling faces

I love to watch the ocean and wonder about life

I love to feel the sand beneath my feet

I love it when my feet sink into the soft sand at the surfs edge till they dissappear

I love the feeling of the sun on my face

I love getting into a sun warmed car when you've been frozen by the elements

I love my husbands arms wrapped firmly around my body

I love cuddles...from everyone ...everyone of course being family & friends

I love baklava, mousakka, dolmades, butter chicken, sri-lanken curry, home made chocolate fudge, bacon & eggs...Oh Damn it...I love Food! Lord help Me!

I love chocolate...in particular Lindt Balls...Mmm MM

I love lolly gobble bliss bombs because it reminds me of my Nanny

I love square ice-cream (Pauls single serves) cause they also remind me of my Nanny

I love mangos, rockmelons, grapes, pecans, cashews, pinenuts.....Here I go again....more food!

I love the perfume of the gardenia

I love writing

I love flowers but in particular red & white roses

I love going for drives on the week end

I love the atmosphere of the markets

I love other things that I don't dare mention here in this space

Oh I guess I just really love life.....living!

The Paloma Centre!

I found a photo whilst in the throngs of cleaning my humble abode. The discovery of this photo took me on a journey back in time.
I am now 11 years younger.

It is my 10th Wedding Anniversary and I arrive home from work knowing that my husband & I are going out to celebrate our special day with a nice dinner out.

After dropping the children off to my mothers he takes a piece of fabric & blindfolds me with it. The inquisition begins & I ask him question after question trying to find out what's going on. He's not going to give anything away, keeping whatever he's up to, a surprise. I finally give up & enjoy the drive which seems to go on for ages. The car stops, he asks me to wait , opens the door & takes me by the arm. He guides me into a building, warning me with every step what lies ahead..... guiding me over & up steps, wholes in the ground, rocks, path edges etc...still not allowing me to take off the blindfold. My heart is in my mouth, beating like never before, the anticipation is welling within and I almost can't breath with the excitment & mystery of the moment. My head is dizzy, I am not sure if it's because I lack my sense of sight at this moment or if it is a symptom of the thrill of the situation.

The building is quiet, not a sound to be heard. I can hear the blood rushing through the vessels in my ears & which makes me aware of the rythym of my heart, which was beating like crazy.

We pause & his arms gently wrap around my waist, I can smell him & feel the warmth of his body close to mine. The quiet room comes to life with the sound of music. A familiar song begins to play, its our wedding song. He takes the blindfold off & the first things I see is his beautiful eyes looking into mine. I can feel his heart beating against mine, we beat almost in time, which indicates to me that he is as moved by the experience as I am. We danced, my eyes welled with tears of love & appreciation for this beautiful, unforgettable display of love. His display of his love, for Me!

As we dance I look around the candle lit room & see a small dining table, delicately set for a romantic dinner for two. In this moment I am transported back in time again, back another 11 years to 1984 where we kissed for the first time. The kiss that began our journey of love together. Our first kiss at the highschool dance. I realise that we are in the Paloma Centre.

How did he make this evening happen. We were the only 2 souls in the building.

After we finish dancing he kissed me so delicately, it could have been that first kiss.

He led me to the table & once seated, a chef (who was a friend of Eddies) came to the table. He served us up a meal that I will never forget.

We laughed & talked for hours. Once dinner was finished, I expected that we were going home. He started to head for the city. He told me what we were doing. He had booked a night in the Hotel where we had spent our wedding night.

He made me feel like I was the centre of the universe, there was not another soul in the world but me. His display of love made me feel like the most loved & adored woman to ever walk this earth. I will never forget this day for as long as I live.

P.S. I Love You!

Well the upside of being home sick from work on a rainy day is watching one of my favourite movies...P.S. I Love You!

A woman left alone, having lost her husband, her first true love. After he passes away he leaves her with the most selfless gift of love ever to bestow on another, the gift of passage to a new life & ultimatley a new love! He leaves her a series of letters that she recieves at different times & in various ways. These letters celebrate their life together, notes of love, reminders of time spent together & also challenges for her to do. These letters offer distraction & a much needed reprieve from her grief . They guide her to a a place of peace and ultimatley into the arms of another man.

The ultimate gift of love!

If you haven't watched it, then please do!

Coolum Lookout!

Today we walked through the bush track at Coolum Beach. Leaf litter carpeted the sandy track that led to the lookout on the side of the rocky mountain. The sensations experienced whilst walking so close to the sea left me feeling in a state of peace, even though my heart had worked up a double, double beat like that from a angry drummer. I liked it, it felt good! The perfume of the sea, the cool breeze that periodically whisped past keeping me cool, the soothing sound of the waves seemed to fool my mind into thinking we weren’t actually exercising & left me wanting more. If it hadn’t been for the fact that my son wasn’t feeling well, my husband & I would have kept walking.Wouldn’t it be lovely to have the rolling sea in my back yard, nothing could keep me away from it. I would be exercising every day, no excuses. One day maybe!When we made it to the lookout, we paused for a brief rest, to take in the scenery & breathe in the cool, salty air. Breathing it in I could taste the salt on the back of my tongue. The sea rolled in over the rocks, forming rock pools below us. Looking out to the North we could see the coast line all the way up to Noosa. To the right there was not much coastline to see , just a rocky cliff. Directly below us I saw an elderly man having a swim. He was all alone. I was thinking to myself how wonderful it was that even though he was alone, he was still enjoying the joys that life has to offer. Whilst in this thought filled state, the man stood up & to my astonishment he was wearing nothing but his birthday suit. He was frolicking in the nude! All I could do was have a chuckle! How wonderful! Not only was he old & alone swimming in the sea. He was nude! Not a care in the world. He didn’t care about what anyone else was thinking! He was in the moment, loving life, swimming & soaking up lifes simple pleasures. I wish I had his confidence & carefree attitude!

Thank You!

I wonder!

I wonder if anyone has ever found my thinking place!

It has been very therapeutic for me being able to use this forum as an outlet. A place where I can express myself. There is one very special lady whom unwittingly led me to this place & for this I thank her.

Now it has become a habit. It's awoken a need within me....the need to write, for myself. It really is a re-discovery of sorts because I used to write all the time when I was younger.

So thank you kind lady, for sharing yourself with me & others like me. Thank you for leading me to this place.

In his Arms

I miss him. He still manages to have this affect on me even after all these years. I wait for his face to emerge in the doorway on the third day. As the time of his arrival draws near my heart beats a staccato beat of anticipation.
I can't imagine, nor do I want to, what it would feel like if he didn't come through that door again, the thought of this becoming a reality has my eyes swimming in tears.
I can't wait to wrap my arms around him, bury my face into the warmth of his chest & breathe him in. Holding him in my arms & being in his safe embrace leaves me feeling like there is nothing in the world that can harm me. In this moment all my worries are dissolved as if by magic.

23 Years!

Twenty-three years! We were just teens when we last saw each other.

A date had been set. This evening was going to happen. We were all going to meet again after twenty three years. I marked it on the calendar having made the decision to go.

A mixed pot of emotions bubbled within me the closer it came to the date. I longed to see them all again but feelings of anxiety were settling in & the oh so familiar inner voice of self sabotage was in full swing. I was thinking of all the reasons I shouldn't go. Thankfully the desire of wanting to see them all again was much stronger than my self defeatist thinking.

A glass of red shared in the company of beautiful friends, took the edge off my nerves, warming me & calming me a little, from within. We arrived and were greeted by a sea of friendly faces. They were the same easily recognizable faces from my past, they'd not changed much at all, they had matured gracefully, like the glass of red I had consumed before with my friends. They , just like the red, made me feel warm within & the residual anxiety within dissipated , leaving me feeling relaxed. So very happy to be there, experiencing this wonderful moment. There were kisses & embraces as we met and I was emotionally moved but managed to fight off the tears. I am such a sentimental old fool!

There was an easy camaraderie between us all. We seemed to fall into some kind of a familiar groove that had been left open from many years ago. We settled into an evening of affectionate bantering, laughter & wonderful conversation. It was fantastic, it was comfortable & it was safe. I didn't want it to end.

I am so glad of this night, so happy that I went & feel so fortunate to have had a past filled with such beautiful friends.
I do hope that this is the first of many more get togethers. I loved it & I loved being with them!

A love lost!

He spoke of her with such warmth. Remembering his last moments with her in this world, describing to me their last embrace, her last breath & how he felt relief that she was no longer trapped in this pain filled state. How she passed peacefully & with a calm that could be physically felt by the few that were with her at this time.
He tells me how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, cared for her & without having to say the words, he told me how much he misses her.
He has her name forever etched in his skin, a tattoo of her name that he will wear proudly & with love for the remainder of his life. A memorial to their marriage, to the intimacies shared, to the life they'd made together. She is in his skin, in his heart & forever in his mind.
My heart went out to him! I wished this had never happened to him & to his gorgeous girls. He is amazing, he is strong & he is a good man! I am certain his wife is proud! Very proud of her man!

Time

I sit here now, in my flannys, my witchy woman hair all over the place & feeling tired but still not tired enough for bed. I am remembering times of long ago. Moments of time prompted by the faces I see before me on the screen. Some moments lack clarity but others play back like re-play on a dvd.
I never thought I would ever feel this way, but time, the passage of time, scares me. Maybe this is because of the work I've done. The things I've seen, the stories I've heard & the experiences I am having today with a few of my clients.
When I was 20 I used to think 40 was old. I know it is warped thinking to think this way but with each tick of the clock, life is being carried away. There is an urgency to make my life matter & to make it better. To live & to experience more.
For many years we became stagnant in our existance. Settling for ' whatever' & whatever is in no way enough. It is not the wanting of material things that I speak of....it's more moments spent with family & friends, experiencing more sun rises & sunsets in different destinations, visiting & experiencing places I've not seen before. I want to smell, see, taste & feel new things. No more waste...I must use what I have whilst I have it!

Cravings!

Cravings! An intense desire for some particular thing! We all crave! Crave for food, for affection, for love, for attention, for possessions, for more money, for a better career or for a certain lifestyle!

It's these cravings that keep us hungry, hungry to keep pursuing whatever it is that we hunger. What I crave is peace! Serenity & peace of mind. I crave harmonious relationships with those lives intertwined with mine.
I believe that life is way too short & fragile in it's unpredictability to waste energies on anything else. Losing someone you have cared for, when you've experienced that close acquaintance with another in the form of an intimate relationship or friendship & then it's lost, you learn. You learn in the worst way possible about life & the preciousness of it.

Love

Love ... all encompassing! In the beginning it was a new & exciting feeling. A feeling or emotion that warranted further exploration. So I explored! I explored & made a life altering discovery! The discovery of anothers love. I've built my life around him & he has around me. We've created life together, we've weathered the storms that life has thrown our way. We have lived & we've learned.
We are not perfect, we are what we are! We fight, we laugh, we cry, we cringe, we cuddle & we love!
My life has been truly blessed. I've loved & I've been loved.

Alone in Thought!

Quiet! Peace! Rustling leaves! The tranquility of being alone. The rare opportunity to be with noone but my own thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been centred around reunion, the reuniting of old friends. It has been truly amazing! I can't help but feel that a part of me, that sixteen year old girl , from all those years ago has been awoken in some way. The shell, my exterior is not the same, that's obvious. But the girl within remembers how it all once felt.

How fondly I remember those years & those people that were a part of it. Influencing me, guiding me, befriending me & loving me.

Freaky Coincidence

Today I awoke feeling unrested & unsettled. My sleep had been disturbed by terrible nigthmares. The type that wake you suddenly with fright, breathless & crying! I hate it when that happens. It was such a vivid dream, it felt real. A lady, I didn't recognise as someone I knew, died! I saw her face, her hair & her name was Maria. She looked at me with wide eyes, frightened & desperate to live, but she didn't. She died in my arms. This is all I remember!
All day I was left with a feeling of dread. An uneasy feeling , that left me feeling like something bad was going to happen.
My eldest son went for a drive down the coast. I normally don't worry about him driving but today I was worried until he walked back in the door.
After picking my youngest up from school & dropping him at tutoring I went to the Hyperdome. I didn't feel much like shopping so I bought a coffee & sat, waiting for tutoring to finish. Again I got this feeling of dread & my brother in-law kept coming into mind. I thought I should give him a call. I did but there was no response. This was at about 5:30pm.
I returned home after picking up my son & then my husband returned home. whilst preparing the evening meal the phone rang. My husband answered & it was my brother in law. It was now around 6:45pm. He rang to say that he had been in a car accident & his car had been written off & the accident had happened at the same time that I rang him!
How freaky is that! I couldn't believe it! Thank goodness he didn't sustain any serious injuries.

My Thinking Place!

It's quite likely that nobody other than myself will visit this space & that's quite alright with me. It's nice to have a space or should a say a place where I can write down my thoughts, ideas, events, stories & poetry. For many years I have neglected this thing that I love to do, this thing that in my past used to give me a great sense of being. The love of the written word, of recording memorable moments on the off chance that I may like to re-visit them at a later date.
I live what others would interpret as quite an ordinary existence. Sometimes this is bothersome to me, I mean who doesn't want to be more interesting, more intelligent, more exciting & so on & so forth. I'm quite conservative in many ways, shy in my own skin ( the kind of woman that always covers up), sometimes afraid to interact because of the self perceived fear that others may not be interested in my conversational offerings. It's this fear of nonacceptance that has proven to be crippling in nature at times.
What I wouldn't give to change this glitch in my personality! What was it that happened in my past that gave birth to this destructive way of thinking?