What I've been up to lately

It has been a very busy summer for us. Here's a little preview of what we were up to.

A little bit of this:

This,

and this.

LOTS of these:

and a little of this.

A LOT of this:

and a little of this:

which led to this:

Trying to get back in shape, which meant lots of hiking:

We played hard and crashed hard. Which looked a little like this:

 this,

 and this.

We had a wonderful time.

Goodbye sweet summer. Looking forward to an awesome fall, when this little guy will be a year old!!

I don't wear lipstick anymore

Childbirth and Motherhood has really changed me.
I have grown increasingly more patient and impatient at the same time. My patience has grown in ways I never could have imagined. I like that feeling. Yet I still snap at the most silly things. How is it that I can be growing in the opposite direction on both ends of the spectrum?

My body has changed in ways that I imagined, yet hoped would not happen. The worst part is, I compare myself to everyone and anyone who has had children. It's easy to dismiss young girl hottie-bodies that haven't had children because I, too had a body like that. Having a baby changed my body and I have had to accept that I won't ever get it back. I came across some pictures of my honeymoon the other week. I may have stared at one picture in particular (of me in a bikini) and cried for a bit. Just had to mourn for a bit over the body I won't ever get back. It's actually quite comical, if you think of it! I have several pairs of jeans that will never fit me again because I have hips. And my hips don't lie.

I've got a serious muffin-top and pooch to match. I'm still breastfeeding on cue like crazy but not losing any fat. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but nowhere near my pre-pregnancy size. It's hard looking at all my clothes in the closet, wishing I could fit into them again. I really should just get rid of them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Oh and while I'm at it, I should just cover up all the mirrors! ;)  Yet when I see my adorable, healthy, strong, HEAVY little boy I am amazed that my body contributed to all that growth, with little effort from me! Even though I am at odds with my body right now, I am amazed that my body grew and is growing a small human! I feel like I have super powers. Every little milestone he meets just astounds me and sometimes I give myself a pat on the back. My friend called me the "Dairy Queen" once. It was a great compliment! My milk is growing this sweet little boy. And I love it. So it's a trade off! I don't have a smokin hot bod anymore, but I have a cute SOLID baby boy. I'll take the latter, if given the choice.

Next: sleep. Oh, what is sleep? No, my baby is not sleeping through the night. But before you bombard me with all your tips and tricks on how to get Phineas to sleep through the night, I must let you know that I am not interested. I am the expert on Phineas and we get by just fine, thank you. I read somewhere that sleep has become a barometer of good parenting. This is false! Whether my baby sleeps through the night is not a reflection of how I am at motherhood. I am still a good mom regardless. I've learned that babies really aren't supposed to be sleeping through the night, and placing an unrealistic expectation on my son will only frustrate me and set him up for failure. He wakes a few times a night, but we make do. Before I had Phin I was worried about sleep. I didn't sleep well when I was pregnant but new-mom sleep is way worse. I need more sleep than most people. Like 3 hours more than most people. Yet somehow I find the strength to keep going everyday, functioning with much less sleep than I am used to. Heavenly Father always gives me the strength to keep going and add fuel when I'm running on fumes.

My relationship with Heavenly Father has improved as well. I've never prayed so much in my life! It has been a wonderful lesson for me to realize that I am not in control. There have been times I wish I was, but to relinquish that need for control has been liberating. I'm still working on it.

The best thing I have done so far is to just follow Phineas' lead and parent using the Spirit as my guide. I have read a few books and mostly I take what I like and leave the rest. I don't religiously follow any specific parenting techniques because no one that has written those books, websites or articles has met my Phineas! I am learning more and more about him everyday and just when one thing works, he moves out of that phase and into a new one!

Now to the title of this post. Before I had Phineas, I used to take my sweet time getting ready. I would take long, relaxing showers. I would blow dry and style my hair. I did my make up. At night, I had a bedtime routine: remove make up. Wash face. Brush teeth. Lay in bed and read. Fall asleep when I was ready and tired. I used to wear lipstick. Red, pink or purple-ish. Now that my priorities have changed, so have all my routines and things I used to do.

I don't wear lipstick anymore because I am constantly kissing a little forehead, belly and toes. I have teeny little fingers constantly poking my face. The same hands that gravitate towards my mouth when I am talking. I usually eat my food really fast and I am constantly spilling, and I'm sure my lipstick wouldn't last an hour without getting smudged. So the lipstick stays in the drawer, and I stay in my pajamas for a good portion of the day.

Now before you start to think I'm being a negative nancy, I have to tell you that I LOVE these new changes! It has been totally hard to adjust but it is so worth it. I love the relationship that Phineas and I have. I am just as attached to him as he is to me, which makes being a working mom very difficult! I do take time to take care of myself. I still get my hair cut and dyed. On occasion I will wear make up and even put on some lipstick. But don't be surprised if you catch me at the grocery store in sweats and a t-shirt. I am embracing a new me. I learn things about myself and Phineas every single day. I love it. Not to say that motherhood doesn't have challenges... because it does. But the rewards are so sweet.

goals revisited

I'm having a super hard time with the specific-ness of my goals for this year. So. I delete the numbers and move on. I can blog at least once a month. I figure if I include everything in one post, I'm good. Can't beat myself up, right? That is most definitely not the purpose of having goals. Alright, onward and upward!

Also, I changed the name of the blog for the babe: "Adventures in Phinland." Awesome, right?! (As per my mom's suggestion.) If you haven't already, add it to your blog roll or follow it for pics of the lovely Phineas.

P.S. Feelin pretty dang good about certain aspects of my life right now. LOVE it.

the girl next door: Emily

My neighbor. Emily is awesome. She is such a great friend to me, and I honestly don't know what she gets out of our friendship because I definitely get more out of it than she does! I'm so grateful that she doesn't judge me or criticize me, even though I'm sure she thinks I am crazy sometimes!

Emily is talented. She is creative. She is nice! Emily is the one who helped me with Phineas' room and all the fun colored dots. She also took maternity pictures for me and spent hours and hours editing them to make me look pretty. She always offers to bring me food and sometimes she just shows up bringing me lunch, always at the right time. Emily is service-oriented and not selfish at all. She is constantly thinking of others (me) and how to help. When she says she is willing to help, she really means it and always follows through.

I really enjoy her company. When she comes over we talk for hours and it feels like minutes. Our husbands don't love it, but we don't care! Once she brought over her ukelele and taught me a few chords and a song. She was so patient with me while I tried to get the hang of it. She had to show me over and over and over, yet she never gave up.

Emily is fit. She has a rockin bod, and she works to maintain it. She's done triathalons and is always looking forward to the next race. I love/hate it when she comes over to show me the dresses she has bought to ask my opinion on which ones she should keep and return. I can't handle how awesome she looks! Makes me feel like a huge fat lard. And having kids isn't an excuse; she's had two and still looks amazing. So, I always tell her to keep all the dresses, since she can pull it off.

I love how Emily loves to educate herself. She is constantly reading and researching, and it shows. She knows so much about everything! Photography, photoshop, business, finances, fashion, crafts, etc! I love learning from her.

I'm so glad Emily and I are friends, AND that we live next door! It makes it easier to see each other and hang out. It's not as often as I would like because we are busy or sick, or I'm just being lazy with Phineas. But I love Emily just the same! She is a wonderful friend and a great person. I wish I was better at words to express how grateful I am that she is my friend. I appreciate how she has reached out to me and befriended me. She's definitely the cooler one in our relationship, and I look up to her so much!

mama and papa cook

My father and mother-in-law.

They are awesome. I am so lucky to have such good in-laws! Did you know that my parents and Trav's parents were good friends throughout highschool and college? Well, they were! My dad and Paul were best buds growing up. My dad told me that they would talk about being friends forever and sharing grandkids someday. Now it has come true!

Paul and Carolene are so wonderful. They are great listeners and give good advice. I know that when I share my feelings with them I won't be judged or criticized.

They have raised 7 amazing children, Travis being the best, of course. :) They are such good examples to me of parenting. Carolene is so gracious and classy and so very generous. When Travis and I were engaged, we would often hang out at their house (since Trav still lived at home). Friends of the cook children would come over and always raid their fridge and eat leftovers or whatever they could find. I always felt uncomfortable doing this because it wasn't my home so it's not like I would just open the cupboards and see what I could make! But at Carolene's house, she really means it when she says, "make yourself at home." I think it took me a good 3 years before I finally felt comfortable opening the fridge and eating leftovers. And I love it.

I love how their home is a gospel centered home. They always reel me back in when I've gone off the deep end and encourage me to be more positive - a trait they definitely passed on to Travis!

Paul and Carolene are supportive and respectful. I'm so grateful to them for raising such wonderful children and an awesome son. Paul adores Carolene and treats her with respect. He was a great role model for how his sons should treat women.

Sunday dinners are awesome at their house. There are SO many people and lots of crying babies. Somehow Carolene always ends up with a baby in her lap at dinnertime and allows us parents to eat first. It's so sweet of her, especially considering that she makes the dinner and she eats it last! Paul and Carolene are awesome grandparents. They loooove the kiddos and it's sweet how they play together.

I'm lucky to have such great in-laws. I'm happy I don't have any problems with them or that "in-law" drama everyone talks about. They are amazing people and I love being a part of their family!

the brothers (in law)

I have some awesome brothers-in-law. I have LOTS of them, six to be exact!

Ryan. He is crazy. He is full of energy and it never stops. He is crazy about biking and has his own bike shop, too! He's good at what he does and is a great example of being healthy and exercising. Ryan's personality is a young child in a grown man's body. I admire how everything is made into a fun or exciting event when he's around. His passion for life is quite overwhelming sometimes! He loves his wife, Christy and is a super fun dad. I can tell that there is never a dull moment in their house!

Tyler. He is quite well to do, and it's because he is smart and motivated. He keeps me abreast of current events in the world and especially having to do with politics, of which I usually know nothing about! Sunday dinners are so fascinating when he brings up topics of politics, history or gospel doctrine. I always pretend I know what he's talking about but really I have NO clue!! I mostly just sit there watching the conversations fly across the table like a ping-pong ball and I'm always amazed. He is a great dad to his 3 boys and they love him so much. Tyler makes me want to be a "go-getter" and not stop until I achieve my dreams. I'll get there someday!!

Harold. Oh Harry, or Big H as some of the family calls him. Harold is awesome. He is married to Kellee and their are such a model couple. He dotes on her like you would not believe! He treats her so well as only some of us can only dream. Harold is also wicked smart and very passionate. Hailing from the south, he definitely displays the wonderful southern hospitality to all he meets. He remembers what I tell him and always follows up on what's happening in my life, and he seems genuinely interested! I appreciate that so much!

Jeffrey. He's the one that is most like Travis in hobbies and other interests. Jeffrey is super talented. He can draw and paint amazing artwork! He even drew a picture of me for Christmas one year. (Travis asked him to draw it for me). It was amazing! I've never had a picture drawn of me that actually LOOKS like me! Jeff is funny. Hilarious actually. He is outgoing and has tons of friends. Oh and don't get me started about the ladies! They swoon over him and there is quite the line-up of girls, I'm sure! Jeff is a good friend to Travis, and it's hilarious how they "fight" and wrassle. (aka wrestle).

Parker. Trav's little mini-me! We always say that Parker is Travis, but upgraded. So we call him "Travis 2.0." He is the upgraded version because he is taller than Trav, has dimples (oh so charming), does well in school (where Travis mostly goofed off), and is becoming quite well-rounded. Parker is the history guy. He knows so much about history and loves to share his knowledge with the family. I'm constantly amazed at the amount of information he is able to retain! Parker is 17 (so weird to me!) and when I joined the family he actually was my height. Now he is more than a foot taller than me. Parker is an awesome uncle to his nephews and niece and I see him doing great things in life!

Patrick. (Liz's husband.) Patrick is awesome. He is hilarious and always has amazing stories which result in gut-busting laughter from all present. Patrick is always fun to be around and that guy has style! It is reflective in his dress and house, although Liz often takes credit, he's the one that decorates and moves stuff around! I think of all my brothers-in-law, we are the most similar. We have similar temperaments, habits, ideas about life, and most of all, we both love Lizzie like crazy!! Patrick is the baby whisperer. He can calm Phineas down better than I can! Once he came over with Liz to help out. I took a shower (Phineas was screaming when I handed him to Pat) and after my shower, not only was Phineas calm, he was ASLEEP! Patrick definitely has a way with children and his nephews LOVE uncle Pat.

I love all my brothers by marriage. They are wonderful example to me and such good friends/brothers to Travis. We look up to them and the way they live their lives. We have such an amazing family!

the sisters (in law)

I love all my sisters by marriage! (Okay, I just realized that sounded kinda like "sister wives" of polygamy... totally not what I meant!)

I mean, my sisters-in-law! They are all so great and I am lucky to be related to them. I am happy that I have gotten to know them over to short 5 years I've been married to Travis and I look forward to getting to know each of them better throughout the years to come! My sisters-in-law that have children (Christy and Ashley) are such good examples to me of how mothers should be. Even though I wasn't ready to have children for a while, I was excited to start a family because I had such good role models around me. Seeing them with their children made me happy to know that there are actually mothers who love motherhood!!

First, Christy. She's married to Travis' oldest brother. She is awesome! When I say she's creative, it's quite the understatement. She has a blog called Creatively Christy and she is really good at what she does. Christy is extremely talented in many areas, but she is also a wonderful mom to her kids. You can see how much they love her and they are so lucky to have her as a mom! I can just imagine what their halloweens will be like, with their amazing home-made costumes, and how for each holiday, Christy comes up with something amazing to celebrate it, like a cool cake, fun decorations, or great gift ideas. Even though Christy and I are very different, we do share the same ideas of fashion and hairstyles. :) She dresses her kids SO cute and I've been fortunate enough to borrow some of her son's clothes for Phineas! Her kids LOVE her and she is such a fun mom.

Ashley. She is married to Travis' second oldest brother. If there is one word I could use to describe Ashley, it would be PATIENT. She has 3 little boy-rascals for children and they have more energy than I've ever seen in kids! Yet she handles them all with so much love and grace. She is quite the classy lady and I really look up to her! She has a contagious laugh that fills up a room and she has the most amazing smile. I love how she is passionate about life. She doesn't have a temper and is slow to anger. Even when her boys create a mess or throw a tantrum, she responds with such care and love that you'd never know she was upset. I wish I could be like this! Her boys are going to be the leaders of their generation, I just know it. And I bet you it will be because they have a loving mother who cares about them and teaches them the gospel.

Kellee. Oh kell-bell. I love her so dang much. She may be younger than me, but she is wise and so much more mature than me. Kellee is exactly what I aspire to be, gracious and kind. Everyone loves her, and it shows in all her friendships! I don't think I've ever heard her utter a mean or bad thing about anyone. She always has nice things to say, and is ridiculously positive. I'll admit, at first it made me sick how happy she is! Then I realized that while things may not be perfect in her life, she always makes a point to be uplifting and optimistic. It's not that everything always goes her way, she just decides not to dwell on the negative. Kellee is smart and everything I wish I could be in the fashion department. From top to bottom she always looks so well put together. She is motivated and dedicated to life and isn't ashamed to show it!

Megan. The reader. The swimmer. The massage therapist. The baby of the family. Even though Megan is the youngest, she is definitely the second mom to all the nephews and niece of the family, and also to Parker, her older brother! The funny thing is, he listens to her!! She gives the best back rubs in the whole world. She participates in lots of extra curricular activities and is very well-rounded. I have never seen more self-confidence in a 16 year old. She knows who she is and is such a great example to her friends of how a daughter of God should behave and dress. She loves school and it reflects in her grades. She never complains about chores or housework and when her mom asks her to do something, she jumps up and quickly obeys, without asking why. Oh I would be so lucky to have a daughter like Megan!

I love all my sisters-in-law and am grateful to associate with them as often as I do. I'm glad we all live in a close proximity (all except Kellee, which makes me sad!). Sunday dinners are so fun when everyone is there and it gives me the boost of confidence I need to continue the daily grind. They instill a desire in me to be a better mom and I am grateful to them for their amazing examples.

blister

My sister is my best friend. It wasn’t always that way, though. When my mom had Lizzie, my dad brought Spencer and me to the hospital to see her. I freaked out. I was no longer the baby of the family, and I knew things were going to change! We have my tantrum recorded on video. I was mad. However, my mom had an idea and it changed my view of the situation when she brought Lizzie home. She came and handed Lizzie to me saying, “Look at the present I brought you from the hospital! It’s YOUR baby!” From then on, I have taken it upon myself to watch over and protect my sister. We’ve been the best of friends ever since. :)

Lizzie is such a talented person. She is crafty, stylish and so creative. She is definitely the artsy one of the family, and she takes after my mom in that aspect. She is awesome with her hands. She can make anything and while she is strong, she can handle very delicate things, like making jewelry or other crafts. Lizzie is also great at giving massages. I love her back scratches/rubs.

She is also really good with people. She has a way with everyone she meets. I’m sure they are initially drawn to her because she is so gorgeous, but after they get to know her personality they are hooked! Looks AND an awesome character?! She’s got it all.

Lizzie is very generous. She would give the shirt off her back if you said you liked it or wanted it. In fact, she has done that to me several times! She is so giving of her time, talents and material possessions, and she rarely complains about having to sacrifice anything.

Liz loves me unconditionally. I’m sure there have been times when she’s thought I am crazy, but she still loves me and wants to be my friend! She may be younger than me, but she is wise and older spirit. She is so mature in ways that I may never be! She has a strong unwavering testimony of Jesus Christ and she truly is a great example to me. I look up to her so much. She loves the Gospel and she isn’t ashamed of it!

She is incredibly patient. She doesn’t get thrown for a loop when plans change or unexpected things come up. Lizzie just goes with the flow and tries her best to adjust without much compliant. She also does it with a smile! (A beautiful smile that is, too.)

I love my sister. I am so glad we are close. I’m also glad I only have one sister because that way there’s no competition for attention. We have each other and that’s that! I love being able to call her and ask for advice, to which she always responds with charity and kindness. She always turns me back to my Heavenly Father and reminds me to ask for His help.

Lizzie has always been a source of strength for me to draw upon. I love her on such a deep and eternal level. She’s my guiding star! Love you Lizzie, my sister blister!

Sven

Oh what to say about my older bro.

He is awesome!! I love having an older brother and I’m excited that I had a boy first so he could be an older brother to his siblings, too.

Spencer is so great. He is a man of many talents and he is super smart!! He knows something about everything and I love his tidbits of information.

Sunday dinners are the best when Spencer is around. He always cracks us up with his funny quips and hilarious accents. I also love it when he cooks! Did you know that he rarely follows a recipe? He whips up amazing dishes all the time and you better not ask for a recipe because he has it all in his head. He puts certain ingredients together that I wouldn’t dream of combining, yet it always tastes fabulous!

My brother is my favorite person to scare. Whether it be hiding around the corner, in the closet, or banging on the bathroom door, he is the best to scare. And he always gets us back!

Spencer has a huge heart. He is always thinking of others and what he can do to help, or make things better. He is very generous and kind. He is such an amazing uncle to Phineas and he is always so gentle with him. I also think Spencer is the only person who comes over to play with our doggies. They LOVE him! He gives them quite the workout, and it’s nice to have someone keep them entertained for a while. We have neglected the dogs quite a bit since we had Phineas, but Spencer gives them lots of love.

Spencer is stubborn… in a good way!! He can do anything he sets his mind to. A while ago he thought it would be cool to have a Renaissance Faire here in Utah. As kids, our parents took us to the Faire for several years and we loved it!! In high school, we even worked there! We thought it would just float as a “good idea” for a while, until Spencer set out to make it a reality. Now it is really going to happen, in September this year! He has worked so hard to set up this event. Keep an eye out for more information and check out the facebook page, The Utah Renaissance Faire!

Spence is a great friend and an awesome brother, and I am so grateful for him and that’s he’s a part of my family.

Bart the farmer

aka: Papa bear, Daddy-O, Bubba, Marcos/Marcus.... Dad. (I have no idea where the nickname "bart the farmer" came from, but we do call him that!)

I love love love my dad.

He is such a great example to me. He works harder than anyone I know, and he is really good at his job!

I have never heard my dad complain. (Maybe he does, but I've never actually heard him do it.) He usually keeps to himself but when he is passionate about something he does speak up.

My dad has a strong testimony. He reads his scriptures daily (I know because I've caught him reading and he has scriptures all over the house that he marks up). He was my Sunday School teacher when I was a senior in high school and I learned so much from him! It wasn't easy teaching our class, either. We would talk back, make jokes and hardly pay attention sometimes. I knew that he was meant to be my teacher that year because I learned so much from him and my relationship with him improved. Plus, I respected him that much more.

There is an unspoken game in my family that we all try to get my dad to laugh. We LOVE his laugh and when he really gets going it sparks a chain of laughter that continues for minutes. We know we've said or done something REALLY funny when we get dad laughing. It always makes us feel so good!

My dad is a great cook. I remember growing up with such a wide palette because my dad introduced so many new foods to us. This is where I got my love for sushi, miso soup, Thai and Indian food! He still tries to get me to love pollenta (a mixed corn type food) but I don't like it. He makes me "taste" it every time he makes it, hoping I will change my mind. Sorry Dad, not gonna happen.

I know he loves me. Words haven't always been his thing, but he sure does show me. I know he cares about me and what I am doing in life. When I was pregnant he called me all the time to check up on me and see how things were progressing. I'm so glad Phineas waited to be born until my dad was back in the states!

My dad is a wonderful grandpa to Phin and he has a special way with him. I'm so grateful for my dad and all he does to continue to support our family. I love you, Dad!!

Love, Katerina.

linda lady

I am so grateful for my mom! She is such a great source of support in my life.



She answers every one of my phone calls, even if she's in a movie, or it's 3am! She is always eager to help in any way she can.

My mom has always wanted me to achieve my dreams. She has a phrase we often hear, "make it happen!" When I tell her I want to do something or a wish of mine, she always tells me to make it happen! She's also been great at helping me to accomplish it.

My mom is so great with Phineas. He loves her and her awesome curly hair. They have a special game they play and it always gets him smiling and giggling.

She is such a helper. She comes over about once or twice a week to help out with Phineas and sit in the back seat of my car to keep him entertained while I run errands. I appreciate how she supports me in my ideas about childrearing, although I know she doesn't always agree. It means a lot to me that I am still able to fulfill my role as a mother without her stepping on my toes and telling me what to do.

My mom is fun. There's never a dull moment when she's around. She makes everything into an exciting event. With my mom it's all about the hype, so even the most boring things can become fun. Road trips with her are the best, because of this! Once when we were driving to California, she brought all the ingredients and tools necessary to make guacamole. So from the passenger seat as I was driving, she made the yummiest treat! She fed it to me with chips as we drove. She calls it "road-trip guacamole" and to this day I haven't tasted a better dip! :)

We have a lot of wonderful memories together and it's so fun to see her with Phineas because it gives me an idea of how she was with me as a child. She is such an awesome grandma; tender and loving with Phineas. She is that way as a mom as well.

There is so much more I could say about her, but it's hard with a squirmy 3 month old who likes to be held all the time. I know I don't tell her enough how much I appreciate her, and this post doesn't do it justice!

Love you mom, you're so wonderful and I am grateful for you!





Love, Me.

Sacrifice

This is Travis posting. I just wanted to say that Kat really gives me too much credit. I am far more judgmental than she says I am. Anyone who has known me for a long time can attest to that. Kat is just very forgiving and tends to forget when she does. Which is obviously a good
quality. As for me supporting her in her birthing and nurturing decisions, she does her homework, and she thinks about what will be best for Phin and ALWAYS puts his needs first. She has sacrificed her body, her time, and herself in so many ways to take care of our little guy and to bring him into this world. I wasn't immediately on board with every decision she wanted to make, but she ultimately convinced me on each point with a genuine desire to give Phineas the best birthing and growing experiences. I know and trust that she knows how to best take care of our little guy and how to nurture and love him best. I love her very much and am not nearly vocal enough about how I feel about her sacrifice and support. She supported me so much with my struggle to get a permanent job and now I am finally there! Im so glad she is my Wife and the Mother of my child. And he sure is cute!! I just have to say that we make a DANG cute
baby! :)

T-rav and tiny tot

Since February is the month of love and all, I decided this month would be themed "12 people I love/am grateful for." First comes first though... I'm grateful for Travis and Phineas.

They are the most important people in my life, and I don't know what I'd do without them! You've heard me rave about Travis all the time, so I will keep this short.

Let's just say that I'm sure I don't know how good I actually have it. I have a husband who isn't afraid of cloth diapers. He supports me in all my crunchy granola ideas about birth, breastfeeding and child-rearing. He doesn't judge me or my post-baby body. He helps out with Phineas in every way imaginable. He's the model father and husband.

Then there's Phineas. He teaches me so much. There have been times when I miss being able to just hop in the car and go where I want. Sometimes I want just a quiet minute to myself to just stare at a blank wall and not have a list of things to do, I just want to be.

Yes there have been times when I crave sleep. I feel like a junkie who is looking for the next fix. I am obsessed with bedtime and naps. I cannot ever get enough and I am definitely going through withdrawls. (Side note here: to all my wonderful friends without kids, please I beg you..... SLEEP! Sleep for those of us who cannot. Take advantage of it. Go to bed early, and sleep in late. Take cat naps. Don't stay up all night just for the "fun of it." Sleep, and sleep hard. Please. Do it for me. If I ever hear you say how tired you are, I just might slap you silly. That's your choice to stay up late. Soak it all up while you still can!)

All this aside, I wouldn't trade being Phineas' mom for anything in the world. All the things I want to do WILL wait for me. The books I want to read, the pictures I want to take, the hobbies I want to pick up... it WILL wait for me. Phineas, however, will not. There are moments when I feel like an hour lasts a lifetime, especially during his crying bouts. But I think to myself, is there any place I would rather be? No. Would I want to go back to the way things were before him? Definitely not. Now that I've had Phineas, I could never go back to not having him. I didn't know I would love him this much.

It is hard. Waaay hard. Harder for me than I imagined it would be. Which is why I sometimes seem ungrateful when I complain about how rough this adjustment has been. I don't mean to be that way, I just thought I would be a better mommy! Yet I realize how lucky I really am to be where I'm at... with the husband I have, and the baby that's ours.

So I'm grateful for Travis and Phineas. My two boys whom I love very very much.

smiles

I know I set up a separate blog for family and babe, (loveourcookies.blogspot.com) but I couldn't resist showing you these smiles. We are so in love with him.

a standard of grace

Well, I'm definitely not going to finish my 12 trials goal for this month, but I have chosen not to. It's not that I wanted to and couldn't finish, I just decided that it was too negative for me to dwell on the trials I've had. Yes I have learned a great deal from them, but it's not good to focus on the bad things.

So I'm choosing to end this month's grateful category and begin anew! My sister-in-law sent me an email with this poster she found on someone else's blog. I really tried to find the source of this poster because I would love to have it in my house! It describes exactly what I am trying to achieve this year:

I'm not trying to be perfect, just graceful. I think I'm doing pretty well so far!

I have so much to be grateful for. Travis just started a new job yesterday!! We will finally have health insurance starting soon. It is more money, and will help us get on our feet again. Not quite enough to have me stay home full time, but it is a great step in the right direction and we feel really good about it. Travis will be closer to home and won't have to commute up to Draper anymore, so we will be saving on gas.

Finally, a permanent job! No more temporary contracts. This is a huge blessing for us, and we could not be more grateful. :)

So, moving forward, I'm going to focus on all the good. Get ready, because it's gonna be awesome.

trial no. 5

finances.

It's one of the major causes of divorce, marital strife, and a lot of stress. The past two years has been very difficult financially for Travis and me. This economy is so hard on everyone and I only know a handful of people who haven't been affected by the economy. It's been tough!

Money causes me stress. I freak out about bills and stupid taxes and other expenses all the time. Travis works harder than anyone I know. He has been in a contract position for over a year and a half, without any indication of converting to full-time with benefits. There have been spoken promises but no follow through. Don't get me wrong, we have been truly blessed that he has a job and has been able to continue working, but because he is a contractor they could basically terminate the contract at any time and practically without any notice. It's kept us on our toes, for sure. We haven't had insurance for about 2 years (although my parents were able to get me on their insurance for about 3 months). Having a baby without insurance is scary. Even though I did all natural/homebirth, it's still scary to think that if anything went wrong, we would be paying out of pocket for emergency room hospital bills.

It all started back in June 2010 with Trav's job. That summer he took an insurance sales job and it didn't work out. They had a whole bunch of required out of state sales trips that were not mentioned when he was hired. He was jobless for a few months and then got the contractor job he is at right now. During that time, I worked extra hours when I could get them to make up for the difference. Most people would tell us that we were crazy to get pregnant during this time. But when the Lord tells you to do something, you don't ask... you just do it, right?!

We were very scared and hesitant, but we decided to move forward with faith. We knew that the Lord would bless us for following his promptings. Well, after 7 months, I got pregnant. Then I got really sick. Then better, then had the baby. We thought for sure something would happen with Trav's work situation within the 9 months I was pregnant. That's a long time right? Something was bound to work out. Well, it didn't. I had the baby, and thought again... something HAD to happen now, the baby was here! Months have gone by. We have struggled for a looooooooong time. We have spent countless hours in prayer, pleading with our Heavenly Father to please let up, and bless us. We weren't even asking to have great things happen to us, we just wanted all the bad stuff to stop happening! We were going downhill and it was hard to see the light. We would even settle for 'surviving' for a while.

I've learned a lot from having little to no money. Even though we didn't see immediate blessings from paying tithing, we have somehow managed to scrape by, and that really is a blessing. We've tried to be as obedient as possible, doing what we can. It has been very hard, but I've learned to trust the Lord. Many people told me that the Lord must really love us to test us so much. I've never understood that. Does it mean the Lord doesn't love those whom he blesses? I don't think so. I believe that some things happen for a reason and is a part of the Lord's plan. I believe that there are other things that just happen because of agency.

I've also learned that I am not entitled to anything. Just because I go through an awful trial doesn't mean I deserve being blessed immensely afterward. I don't deserve to have blessings just because I am obedient, although often we are blessed. We are required to go through these things for experience, and for our benefit and learning.

So that's what I take from all this. I've learned to stretch our money as best as I can, and get by with so much less than I used to. I thought I was frugal before, but I've realized that many things are so unnecessary.

I'm grateful we have struggled with finances. I hope I don't have to struggle my whole life, but if I do, I know how to manage.

trial no. 4

right now.

Phineas has RSV. He has been sick and getting progressively worse over the past week and so I decided to take him to the doctor. Doc says he's got RSV and there isn't any treatment for it unless he can't breathe and then we have to take him to the RSV clinic at the hospital and they will put a tube down his throat to suction all the mucus out and put him on oxygen. I don't think it will come to that, but it is still really scary. Doc took his temperature and it was 99.7 - not extremely high, but at least his system is trying to fight it off. He has a horrible cough and sometimes he spits up after coughing so hard. Then he can't breathe for a second and gasps for air and starts screaming. He hasn't had any blueness on the lips or face after those bouts of coughing but they are still frightening nonetheless.

Phineas has been a pretty good sport about it though. Besides being fussy and in pain/uncomfortable, he does have his happy moments where he smiles and coos. He is so extremely patient with us as we try to help him the best we can.

I am running the humidifier all day, with eucalyptus and tea tree oil to help clear the air and also his passageways. We do lots of steamy shower bathroom time, and baths for him. We have done saline drops in his nasal passageways and suction when we can, although I read that if you do it too much it can cause more mucus. There's not much else I can do besides all that. He is sleeping much less and his appetite has decreased, but he hasn't lost weight, so that's good.

I wish I could say I've learned something from this trial. I haven't reached the point where I can be grateful for it... but something good has to come from trials, right? I dunno about sicknesses, but at least his immune system is working! So I can be grateful that his body is fighting off the illness and that it hasn't been worse. Things could always be worse!

trial no. 3

This trial has been difficult for me to talk about in the past. But I have come to terms with it and can talk about it now without all the negative emotion it used to spring up in me.

Trial no. 3 in my life is when I had depression. It was supposed to be the most exciting time in my life. I had just graduated high school and I had finished my first semester of college up at Utah State. I had the best roommate and we had a ton of fun together. I'm not exactly sure how it all started. Poor grades, an emotionally abusive boyfriend, the fact that the sun didn't shine in winter, the freezing cold temperatures, or the fact that I was a little fish in a big pond... and I had come from being a big fish in a small pond. I felt like a nobody. I was really somethin where I came from. I was the star in my small town. I was the lead in musicals, I had talents to share... like playing the piano and singing. I loved being different; being special.

When I moved to Utah I realized that everyone took piano lessons and everyone could sing and they all were better than me at both. I swear these kids came out of the womb with jazz hands and tap shoes on. Not only that, they know how to sew, and dance and cook and yada yada yada. I was young and quite immature. (Wait. I still am!) I felt like I had nothing to offer the world. My big head was crushed that semester. I realized that I wasn't special or different or unique. I was just like everyone else. Instead of taking comfort in that, I found it hard to accept.

So, this realization and the other reasons stated above... threw me into a deep depression. My grades were worse. I failed classes for the first time in my life. I went to social events, trying to mask how badly I was hurting inside, but I built up a wall and didn't let anyone in. I thought that maybe it was college itself. Maybe I just wasn't meant for how hard it was and the pressures of everything. High school came really easily for me. I worked hard and got good grades, but college was another story! I found that I couldn't apply myself in any area of my life. I went to bed early and slept in late. Like really late. 2:30pm late.

After a horrible spring semester, I was forced to return home because I had spent all of the $17,000 dollars I had gotten in scholarship money. Granted, I used most of it for my out-of-state tuition, books, rent and food... but I did go on crazy spending sprees, encouraging my horrible obsession with "retail therapy" aka shopping.

I did go home. That summer was the worst of my life. I was in a bad bad relationship with a guy, long-distance and yet he still did damage from 2,000 miles away. I stayed in my room all day, mostly laying in bed. I would cry for hours on end, hating my life. I finally went to a doctor and was put on prozac (I wish I had known what I do now about herbs and how those are sooo much better for us and have just as great effects!). I went to group therapy (which sucked) and several one-on-one's with a therapist. That wasn't so bad, but mostly I was told to just "get over it" and that I was in the prime time of my life, that I shouldn't be sad.

The guilt was worst of all. I KNEW that I shouldn't feel the way I did, but I didn't know how to really change it. I knew that I should just "think happy thoughts," but I literally could not.

I was medicated for over a year and a half and finally decided to wean off the prozac. When I did, I found renewed hope and purpose in life.

I am so grateful for that trial. It was hard and tough. What I learned from it, I will never forget.

This story does have a happy ending though! One day when I was at home, my mom came barging into my room in the morning. (I wasn't used to getting up earlier than 11 or 12). She told me that we were going for a drive and I had better get dressed fast and get in the car. I did as I was told. I don't remember if she told me where we were going ahead of time, or if she just gave me directions and then told me afterwards. Basically we started driving north. We drove an hour and a half to Fremont. She told me of an interpreter preparation program up there at Ohlone College and she said I was going to the school to see if I could apply.

I went to the office and believe it or not, that day (Friday) was the deadline for applications. The lady seemed to take pity on me for whatever reason and said that she would make an exception for me but that I'd better get the requirements together and turn it in on Monday. We scrambled to make an introductory video of me signing, 3 letters of recommendation and an essay. There were over 65 applicants. They only accept 10 every year. I was hopeful but I doubted myself and my skills. Later I was interviewed and accepted. I was so shocked!

This program made me the interpreter I am today! I'm so grateful to my mom for encouraging me to apply, even though I thought I wasn't good enough to get in.

If I hadn't had depression, I wouldn't have gone home and I would have returned back to USU. I wouldn't have gone to Ohlone. I wouldn't be a good interpreter. I wouldn't have met Travis and Phineas wouldn't have been born (sad!!). So... as hard as it was, it greatly shaped who I am and especially my ability to relate to others. Relationships are very important to me and I love being able to sympathize and empathize with people. When I say that I understand, I really mean it. I don't say I understand if I have no idea what someone is going through.

I truly understand depression. I know what it's like and it is real. My doctor once said, "Your brain is an organ too, just like your heart. If I told you that you had heart problems and prescribed medication, you wouldn't even bat an eyelash before taking it, right? Well your brain is having some issues. It's probably temporary or seasonal due to the events in your life right now. But it's still having trouble. So why do people think medication for depression is so bad?"

I see his point, but I also see why it is so controversial. It is a misunderstood illness. People who have it really do want to be happy and if they could just think happy thoughts and will it away, don't you think they would?? Believe me, I tried. I saw a billboard that said, "You wouldn't say, 'It's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real."

Anyway I'm just glad it's over but I am still grateful it happened. It brought me to where I am today and I don't have any regrets about that! It taught me a great lesson in not judging others because we never know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. Depression happened. I always clarify; I went through depression. I am not a depressed person. It doesn't define me.

I am so grateful to my family and friends who stood by me through this, especially my sister. I can't count the number of times that she carried me through this, and sometimes literally! Once she practically dragged me out of bed and threw me in the car and we went to the beach. We were the only ones there and we decided to take pictures. We shared a special bond that day, one that I will always remember and keep close to my heart.





I am grateful to have overcome it, even though so many people never do. Now that I have a propensity for depression, I have to be careful to make sure I don't go down that road again. When I feel myself slip, I flood my thoughts of all the blessings I have and the things I am grateful for and I tell myself that there's no reason to be sad. Life is good.

trial no. 2

As you all know (and are probably sick and tired of my complaining), my baby has colic.

Colic is a completely misunderstood diagnosis but basically it all comes down to the fact that "colicky" babies have a hard time adjusting to life outside the womb. They just want to be put back where they were warm and cozy! And even considering that the last few weeks of pregnancy are uncomfortable, I wouldn't mind putting him back in there... especially when I need to get things done around the house or go to the grocery store!

Phineas will scream for no reason and completely out of the blue. He will be laying on a blanket having happy awake time and then start screaming. He goes from zero to sixty in a matter of milliseconds and there's little I can do to actually calm him down. Nursing sometimes helps, but even then he will fuss at my breast and refuse it.

I try to be as calm and collected as possible, so as to not affect his temperament even more. Someone said to me, "Of course you're baby has colic. You are so high-strung!"

Wow, was that a wake up call or what?! I was so calm throughout my pregnancy, avoiding arguments or confrontations wherever I could. I kept my emotions even and happy. I keep blaming myself and thinking that this was not supposed to happen. But it did.

And yes, I am grateful for this trial. Here's the things I have learned so far:

-There are things that are beyond my control, so I have to let it go. This has been very difficult for me because I'm a major control freak.
-All I have to do is the best I can, and to actually TRY MY BEST. So even when I don't feel like rocking, swaying, shushing, I do it anyway. Even when my arms, neck and back are killing me. And even when I know he's just going to wake up in 15 minutes screaming.
-Naps are precious!! I don't get many naps because my baby refuses to sleep longer than 20 mins, but those 20 mins to myself are so wonderful. I get about two a day = 40 mins.
-Baby swings are great... as long as baby is happy.
-Noise machines are gifts from heaven!!
-Enjoy the happy moments, few and far between as they come. When Phineas is happy and smiling, it makes all the difference. I love to cuddle and play with him, even if it's short-lived. He is my little buddy and I'll love him no matter what.
-Live in the moment. So many times I just think to myself: "Just survive the hour." If I do nothing else, I just take each hour as it comes.
-"I'm so glad when daddy comes home, glad as I can be!!!" Seriously though. Before I got pregnant, Travis' arrival home was kind of like a shrug of the shoulders. I loved seeing him, but we spent so much time together and communicated all day on the phone or text so it wasn't like we had much catching up to do. Now I will be lucky if I can send one or two texts throughout the day and when he comes home I am soooo happy to see him!
-When I was pregnant I thought that my baby would love to hear the sound of my voice and be comforted by it, or be soothed by my touch. Apparently I was wrong! He isn't soothed by my voice, touch or never-ending efforts. This has probably been the hardest thing to accept. I feel rejected on a daily basis and it really hurts sometimes. I don't believe that he truly wants to cry, but he does have his long lasting bouts of screaming. And I'm not a bad mother if I have to set him down and walk away for a minute or two.

I've learned so much more but those things will have to wait for the "12 lessons I've learned about motherhood" month.

My mother-in-law said, "This will give you empathy" and boy, it sure has! I used to be so judgmental of mothers with screaming babies, thinking that they should be able to soothe and calm their children. I could not have been more naive. Now I completely understand and empathize with them! I really am grateful for this experience, even though it is so rough right now!

I know many people say, "Don't wish this away, you'll regret it if you do." I understand the importance of being happy through trials but is that really do-able? I've found that the real happiness comes only after looking back on the trial. Nevertheless, I am trying to be happy during this one.

trial no. 1

It's January 3rd and I figured I better get things going on my new year's resolution so here we go!

I'm going to try to keep these posts as succinct as possible. Mark Twain once said in a letter to a friend, "I'm sorry I wrote you such a long letter, I didn't have time to write a short one." It's hard to write a great story/post/essay and keep it concise! Being succinct is not one of my many talents. I am long-winded and wordy and feel like fewer words don't do a good story justice. But I will work on it, k?

Here's the thing. Since the whole purpose of this goal is to work on being more grateful and therefore happier, I am going to try and stay as positive as I can. But I also value being honest and real about my life. Gotta take the good with the not-so-good, right?

I have to admit that when I first came up with this month's grateful theme, I thought it would be really easy to list 12 trials I've had in my life. I figured I'm 26 years old and I'm sure I've had at least one trial per year. Minus the first 4 years wiped from my memory as a child equals 22 years. So I've calculated that I should have 22 memorable trials minimum, right?

Wrong.

I can barely come up with 4, and that's only within the past 2 years or so! The fact that I can hardly list trials I've had in my life seriously reveals something about myself:

I've had it pretty good!!!

That's something to be grateful for, right there! On the other hand, because I've forgotten so many of them it obviously means I haven't learned my lesson. So trials will indefinitely be coming my way. :) One thing's for sure, I am going to make it a point to remember my trials (and, consequently, what I've learned from them) so I can work on being more grateful. I keep thinking to myself, "Really? I'm sure I've had more trials.... what were they?" I'm sure as I go along I will remember more. I might have to read past journals to jog my memory, but I've gotta come up with at least 12. I am determined to do so. These trials have shaped who I am today, and I am grateful for them, whatever they were.

Ok, enough of that. Let's move right along here.

The first trial I would like to talk about (and these are in NO particular order... chronologically, importance, etc) was the beginning of my pregnancy.

You all remember, I'm sure. I was so sick that I had to go to the infusion center at the hospital 4x a week for IV's. It was rough. My nausea never fully went away even after taking zofran and phenergan. The IV's wasn't for nausea, it was for dehydration because I couldn't keep anything down. Even swallowing my own saliva made me vomit. I could tell you horror stories that would make you sick to your stomach, but I refrain.

Here are some pics from that time. I can barely look at them now, without feeling sick!





I was working a lot, teaching 2 classes, and extremely tired. Yet I am SO grateful for this trial. Even though my sickness didn't go away as soon as I wanted it to and I still struggled with nausea throughout my pregnancy here and there, I am glad it happened. I'm still pretty nervous to get pregnant again but I know that it's all worth it.

As I sit here with my little guy softly snoring next to me, I look at him and I couldn't have imagined how truly wonderful it would be. (Especially how he just smiled and laughed in his sleep!) I also think that the pregnancy had to be rough so that I could have such an amazing birthing experience. And I would seriously give birth a hundred times before I would go through the first 18 weeks of pregnancy again. But since that's not possible, I will just take each pregnancy as it comes and try to enjoy it. :)

I am grateful for that trial, as difficult as it was, and probably the most difficult of my life. I learned patience. I learned that my body is incredible and can do miraculous things, like creating a baby! I learned to rely and trust God and his timetable. I saw a side of Travis that I hadn't appreciated before, his compassion. He was so wonderful. He would get my whatever sounded good and go to great lengths to get it. Then he would bring it home to me only to find me laying on the bathroom floor, crying from pain and exhaustion. I remember one time he brought me some miso soup (he went to 3 different places before he got some) and I took one bite and was sick. It tasted different and I wanted to throw it out. He didn't get mad or yell or say, "what a waste of time and money" he just sweetly took it from me and lovingly said, "what else can I get you? what sounds good?"

Travis and I grew closer together as a couple from this trial than we would have otherwise. Our love became stronger and we were more united. He told me multiple times daily that he was so appreciative of the sacrifice of my body I was making to house our baby. He never once made me feel bad about anything. He was extremely supportive and kept me going strong. Poor guy ate fast food for about 5 months since I couldn't handle smells cooking in the kitchen. Yet he was such a trooper!

I accept that I get sick with pregnancies. It has made me a stronger person, although I remember feeling so weak and useless during the trial. It made my relationship with Travis so strong and unwavering.... exactly what we needed before the baby came. I can't imagine having a rocky foundation of a marriage and then having a baby. It's hard enough as it is, without that! But Travis and I have been able to get through so much because we had those 5 horrible months together. It prepared us for what came next... a baby with colic (trial no. 2). Stay tuned!