smiles

I know I set up a separate blog for family and babe, (loveourcookies.blogspot.com) but I couldn't resist showing you these smiles. We are so in love with him.

a standard of grace

Well, I'm definitely not going to finish my 12 trials goal for this month, but I have chosen not to. It's not that I wanted to and couldn't finish, I just decided that it was too negative for me to dwell on the trials I've had. Yes I have learned a great deal from them, but it's not good to focus on the bad things.

So I'm choosing to end this month's grateful category and begin anew! My sister-in-law sent me an email with this poster she found on someone else's blog. I really tried to find the source of this poster because I would love to have it in my house! It describes exactly what I am trying to achieve this year:

I'm not trying to be perfect, just graceful. I think I'm doing pretty well so far!

I have so much to be grateful for. Travis just started a new job yesterday!! We will finally have health insurance starting soon. It is more money, and will help us get on our feet again. Not quite enough to have me stay home full time, but it is a great step in the right direction and we feel really good about it. Travis will be closer to home and won't have to commute up to Draper anymore, so we will be saving on gas.

Finally, a permanent job! No more temporary contracts. This is a huge blessing for us, and we could not be more grateful. :)

So, moving forward, I'm going to focus on all the good. Get ready, because it's gonna be awesome.

trial no. 5

finances.

It's one of the major causes of divorce, marital strife, and a lot of stress. The past two years has been very difficult financially for Travis and me. This economy is so hard on everyone and I only know a handful of people who haven't been affected by the economy. It's been tough!

Money causes me stress. I freak out about bills and stupid taxes and other expenses all the time. Travis works harder than anyone I know. He has been in a contract position for over a year and a half, without any indication of converting to full-time with benefits. There have been spoken promises but no follow through. Don't get me wrong, we have been truly blessed that he has a job and has been able to continue working, but because he is a contractor they could basically terminate the contract at any time and practically without any notice. It's kept us on our toes, for sure. We haven't had insurance for about 2 years (although my parents were able to get me on their insurance for about 3 months). Having a baby without insurance is scary. Even though I did all natural/homebirth, it's still scary to think that if anything went wrong, we would be paying out of pocket for emergency room hospital bills.

It all started back in June 2010 with Trav's job. That summer he took an insurance sales job and it didn't work out. They had a whole bunch of required out of state sales trips that were not mentioned when he was hired. He was jobless for a few months and then got the contractor job he is at right now. During that time, I worked extra hours when I could get them to make up for the difference. Most people would tell us that we were crazy to get pregnant during this time. But when the Lord tells you to do something, you don't ask... you just do it, right?!

We were very scared and hesitant, but we decided to move forward with faith. We knew that the Lord would bless us for following his promptings. Well, after 7 months, I got pregnant. Then I got really sick. Then better, then had the baby. We thought for sure something would happen with Trav's work situation within the 9 months I was pregnant. That's a long time right? Something was bound to work out. Well, it didn't. I had the baby, and thought again... something HAD to happen now, the baby was here! Months have gone by. We have struggled for a looooooooong time. We have spent countless hours in prayer, pleading with our Heavenly Father to please let up, and bless us. We weren't even asking to have great things happen to us, we just wanted all the bad stuff to stop happening! We were going downhill and it was hard to see the light. We would even settle for 'surviving' for a while.

I've learned a lot from having little to no money. Even though we didn't see immediate blessings from paying tithing, we have somehow managed to scrape by, and that really is a blessing. We've tried to be as obedient as possible, doing what we can. It has been very hard, but I've learned to trust the Lord. Many people told me that the Lord must really love us to test us so much. I've never understood that. Does it mean the Lord doesn't love those whom he blesses? I don't think so. I believe that some things happen for a reason and is a part of the Lord's plan. I believe that there are other things that just happen because of agency.

I've also learned that I am not entitled to anything. Just because I go through an awful trial doesn't mean I deserve being blessed immensely afterward. I don't deserve to have blessings just because I am obedient, although often we are blessed. We are required to go through these things for experience, and for our benefit and learning.

So that's what I take from all this. I've learned to stretch our money as best as I can, and get by with so much less than I used to. I thought I was frugal before, but I've realized that many things are so unnecessary.

I'm grateful we have struggled with finances. I hope I don't have to struggle my whole life, but if I do, I know how to manage.

trial no. 4

right now.

Phineas has RSV. He has been sick and getting progressively worse over the past week and so I decided to take him to the doctor. Doc says he's got RSV and there isn't any treatment for it unless he can't breathe and then we have to take him to the RSV clinic at the hospital and they will put a tube down his throat to suction all the mucus out and put him on oxygen. I don't think it will come to that, but it is still really scary. Doc took his temperature and it was 99.7 - not extremely high, but at least his system is trying to fight it off. He has a horrible cough and sometimes he spits up after coughing so hard. Then he can't breathe for a second and gasps for air and starts screaming. He hasn't had any blueness on the lips or face after those bouts of coughing but they are still frightening nonetheless.

Phineas has been a pretty good sport about it though. Besides being fussy and in pain/uncomfortable, he does have his happy moments where he smiles and coos. He is so extremely patient with us as we try to help him the best we can.

I am running the humidifier all day, with eucalyptus and tea tree oil to help clear the air and also his passageways. We do lots of steamy shower bathroom time, and baths for him. We have done saline drops in his nasal passageways and suction when we can, although I read that if you do it too much it can cause more mucus. There's not much else I can do besides all that. He is sleeping much less and his appetite has decreased, but he hasn't lost weight, so that's good.

I wish I could say I've learned something from this trial. I haven't reached the point where I can be grateful for it... but something good has to come from trials, right? I dunno about sicknesses, but at least his immune system is working! So I can be grateful that his body is fighting off the illness and that it hasn't been worse. Things could always be worse!

trial no. 3

This trial has been difficult for me to talk about in the past. But I have come to terms with it and can talk about it now without all the negative emotion it used to spring up in me.

Trial no. 3 in my life is when I had depression. It was supposed to be the most exciting time in my life. I had just graduated high school and I had finished my first semester of college up at Utah State. I had the best roommate and we had a ton of fun together. I'm not exactly sure how it all started. Poor grades, an emotionally abusive boyfriend, the fact that the sun didn't shine in winter, the freezing cold temperatures, or the fact that I was a little fish in a big pond... and I had come from being a big fish in a small pond. I felt like a nobody. I was really somethin where I came from. I was the star in my small town. I was the lead in musicals, I had talents to share... like playing the piano and singing. I loved being different; being special.

When I moved to Utah I realized that everyone took piano lessons and everyone could sing and they all were better than me at both. I swear these kids came out of the womb with jazz hands and tap shoes on. Not only that, they know how to sew, and dance and cook and yada yada yada. I was young and quite immature. (Wait. I still am!) I felt like I had nothing to offer the world. My big head was crushed that semester. I realized that I wasn't special or different or unique. I was just like everyone else. Instead of taking comfort in that, I found it hard to accept.

So, this realization and the other reasons stated above... threw me into a deep depression. My grades were worse. I failed classes for the first time in my life. I went to social events, trying to mask how badly I was hurting inside, but I built up a wall and didn't let anyone in. I thought that maybe it was college itself. Maybe I just wasn't meant for how hard it was and the pressures of everything. High school came really easily for me. I worked hard and got good grades, but college was another story! I found that I couldn't apply myself in any area of my life. I went to bed early and slept in late. Like really late. 2:30pm late.

After a horrible spring semester, I was forced to return home because I had spent all of the $17,000 dollars I had gotten in scholarship money. Granted, I used most of it for my out-of-state tuition, books, rent and food... but I did go on crazy spending sprees, encouraging my horrible obsession with "retail therapy" aka shopping.

I did go home. That summer was the worst of my life. I was in a bad bad relationship with a guy, long-distance and yet he still did damage from 2,000 miles away. I stayed in my room all day, mostly laying in bed. I would cry for hours on end, hating my life. I finally went to a doctor and was put on prozac (I wish I had known what I do now about herbs and how those are sooo much better for us and have just as great effects!). I went to group therapy (which sucked) and several one-on-one's with a therapist. That wasn't so bad, but mostly I was told to just "get over it" and that I was in the prime time of my life, that I shouldn't be sad.

The guilt was worst of all. I KNEW that I shouldn't feel the way I did, but I didn't know how to really change it. I knew that I should just "think happy thoughts," but I literally could not.

I was medicated for over a year and a half and finally decided to wean off the prozac. When I did, I found renewed hope and purpose in life.

I am so grateful for that trial. It was hard and tough. What I learned from it, I will never forget.

This story does have a happy ending though! One day when I was at home, my mom came barging into my room in the morning. (I wasn't used to getting up earlier than 11 or 12). She told me that we were going for a drive and I had better get dressed fast and get in the car. I did as I was told. I don't remember if she told me where we were going ahead of time, or if she just gave me directions and then told me afterwards. Basically we started driving north. We drove an hour and a half to Fremont. She told me of an interpreter preparation program up there at Ohlone College and she said I was going to the school to see if I could apply.

I went to the office and believe it or not, that day (Friday) was the deadline for applications. The lady seemed to take pity on me for whatever reason and said that she would make an exception for me but that I'd better get the requirements together and turn it in on Monday. We scrambled to make an introductory video of me signing, 3 letters of recommendation and an essay. There were over 65 applicants. They only accept 10 every year. I was hopeful but I doubted myself and my skills. Later I was interviewed and accepted. I was so shocked!

This program made me the interpreter I am today! I'm so grateful to my mom for encouraging me to apply, even though I thought I wasn't good enough to get in.

If I hadn't had depression, I wouldn't have gone home and I would have returned back to USU. I wouldn't have gone to Ohlone. I wouldn't be a good interpreter. I wouldn't have met Travis and Phineas wouldn't have been born (sad!!). So... as hard as it was, it greatly shaped who I am and especially my ability to relate to others. Relationships are very important to me and I love being able to sympathize and empathize with people. When I say that I understand, I really mean it. I don't say I understand if I have no idea what someone is going through.

I truly understand depression. I know what it's like and it is real. My doctor once said, "Your brain is an organ too, just like your heart. If I told you that you had heart problems and prescribed medication, you wouldn't even bat an eyelash before taking it, right? Well your brain is having some issues. It's probably temporary or seasonal due to the events in your life right now. But it's still having trouble. So why do people think medication for depression is so bad?"

I see his point, but I also see why it is so controversial. It is a misunderstood illness. People who have it really do want to be happy and if they could just think happy thoughts and will it away, don't you think they would?? Believe me, I tried. I saw a billboard that said, "You wouldn't say, 'It's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real."

Anyway I'm just glad it's over but I am still grateful it happened. It brought me to where I am today and I don't have any regrets about that! It taught me a great lesson in not judging others because we never know what they are dealing with behind closed doors. Depression happened. I always clarify; I went through depression. I am not a depressed person. It doesn't define me.

I am so grateful to my family and friends who stood by me through this, especially my sister. I can't count the number of times that she carried me through this, and sometimes literally! Once she practically dragged me out of bed and threw me in the car and we went to the beach. We were the only ones there and we decided to take pictures. We shared a special bond that day, one that I will always remember and keep close to my heart.





I am grateful to have overcome it, even though so many people never do. Now that I have a propensity for depression, I have to be careful to make sure I don't go down that road again. When I feel myself slip, I flood my thoughts of all the blessings I have and the things I am grateful for and I tell myself that there's no reason to be sad. Life is good.

trial no. 2

As you all know (and are probably sick and tired of my complaining), my baby has colic.

Colic is a completely misunderstood diagnosis but basically it all comes down to the fact that "colicky" babies have a hard time adjusting to life outside the womb. They just want to be put back where they were warm and cozy! And even considering that the last few weeks of pregnancy are uncomfortable, I wouldn't mind putting him back in there... especially when I need to get things done around the house or go to the grocery store!

Phineas will scream for no reason and completely out of the blue. He will be laying on a blanket having happy awake time and then start screaming. He goes from zero to sixty in a matter of milliseconds and there's little I can do to actually calm him down. Nursing sometimes helps, but even then he will fuss at my breast and refuse it.

I try to be as calm and collected as possible, so as to not affect his temperament even more. Someone said to me, "Of course you're baby has colic. You are so high-strung!"

Wow, was that a wake up call or what?! I was so calm throughout my pregnancy, avoiding arguments or confrontations wherever I could. I kept my emotions even and happy. I keep blaming myself and thinking that this was not supposed to happen. But it did.

And yes, I am grateful for this trial. Here's the things I have learned so far:

-There are things that are beyond my control, so I have to let it go. This has been very difficult for me because I'm a major control freak.
-All I have to do is the best I can, and to actually TRY MY BEST. So even when I don't feel like rocking, swaying, shushing, I do it anyway. Even when my arms, neck and back are killing me. And even when I know he's just going to wake up in 15 minutes screaming.
-Naps are precious!! I don't get many naps because my baby refuses to sleep longer than 20 mins, but those 20 mins to myself are so wonderful. I get about two a day = 40 mins.
-Baby swings are great... as long as baby is happy.
-Noise machines are gifts from heaven!!
-Enjoy the happy moments, few and far between as they come. When Phineas is happy and smiling, it makes all the difference. I love to cuddle and play with him, even if it's short-lived. He is my little buddy and I'll love him no matter what.
-Live in the moment. So many times I just think to myself: "Just survive the hour." If I do nothing else, I just take each hour as it comes.
-"I'm so glad when daddy comes home, glad as I can be!!!" Seriously though. Before I got pregnant, Travis' arrival home was kind of like a shrug of the shoulders. I loved seeing him, but we spent so much time together and communicated all day on the phone or text so it wasn't like we had much catching up to do. Now I will be lucky if I can send one or two texts throughout the day and when he comes home I am soooo happy to see him!
-When I was pregnant I thought that my baby would love to hear the sound of my voice and be comforted by it, or be soothed by my touch. Apparently I was wrong! He isn't soothed by my voice, touch or never-ending efforts. This has probably been the hardest thing to accept. I feel rejected on a daily basis and it really hurts sometimes. I don't believe that he truly wants to cry, but he does have his long lasting bouts of screaming. And I'm not a bad mother if I have to set him down and walk away for a minute or two.

I've learned so much more but those things will have to wait for the "12 lessons I've learned about motherhood" month.

My mother-in-law said, "This will give you empathy" and boy, it sure has! I used to be so judgmental of mothers with screaming babies, thinking that they should be able to soothe and calm their children. I could not have been more naive. Now I completely understand and empathize with them! I really am grateful for this experience, even though it is so rough right now!

I know many people say, "Don't wish this away, you'll regret it if you do." I understand the importance of being happy through trials but is that really do-able? I've found that the real happiness comes only after looking back on the trial. Nevertheless, I am trying to be happy during this one.

trial no. 1

It's January 3rd and I figured I better get things going on my new year's resolution so here we go!

I'm going to try to keep these posts as succinct as possible. Mark Twain once said in a letter to a friend, "I'm sorry I wrote you such a long letter, I didn't have time to write a short one." It's hard to write a great story/post/essay and keep it concise! Being succinct is not one of my many talents. I am long-winded and wordy and feel like fewer words don't do a good story justice. But I will work on it, k?

Here's the thing. Since the whole purpose of this goal is to work on being more grateful and therefore happier, I am going to try and stay as positive as I can. But I also value being honest and real about my life. Gotta take the good with the not-so-good, right?

I have to admit that when I first came up with this month's grateful theme, I thought it would be really easy to list 12 trials I've had in my life. I figured I'm 26 years old and I'm sure I've had at least one trial per year. Minus the first 4 years wiped from my memory as a child equals 22 years. So I've calculated that I should have 22 memorable trials minimum, right?

Wrong.

I can barely come up with 4, and that's only within the past 2 years or so! The fact that I can hardly list trials I've had in my life seriously reveals something about myself:

I've had it pretty good!!!

That's something to be grateful for, right there! On the other hand, because I've forgotten so many of them it obviously means I haven't learned my lesson. So trials will indefinitely be coming my way. :) One thing's for sure, I am going to make it a point to remember my trials (and, consequently, what I've learned from them) so I can work on being more grateful. I keep thinking to myself, "Really? I'm sure I've had more trials.... what were they?" I'm sure as I go along I will remember more. I might have to read past journals to jog my memory, but I've gotta come up with at least 12. I am determined to do so. These trials have shaped who I am today, and I am grateful for them, whatever they were.

Ok, enough of that. Let's move right along here.

The first trial I would like to talk about (and these are in NO particular order... chronologically, importance, etc) was the beginning of my pregnancy.

You all remember, I'm sure. I was so sick that I had to go to the infusion center at the hospital 4x a week for IV's. It was rough. My nausea never fully went away even after taking zofran and phenergan. The IV's wasn't for nausea, it was for dehydration because I couldn't keep anything down. Even swallowing my own saliva made me vomit. I could tell you horror stories that would make you sick to your stomach, but I refrain.

Here are some pics from that time. I can barely look at them now, without feeling sick!





I was working a lot, teaching 2 classes, and extremely tired. Yet I am SO grateful for this trial. Even though my sickness didn't go away as soon as I wanted it to and I still struggled with nausea throughout my pregnancy here and there, I am glad it happened. I'm still pretty nervous to get pregnant again but I know that it's all worth it.

As I sit here with my little guy softly snoring next to me, I look at him and I couldn't have imagined how truly wonderful it would be. (Especially how he just smiled and laughed in his sleep!) I also think that the pregnancy had to be rough so that I could have such an amazing birthing experience. And I would seriously give birth a hundred times before I would go through the first 18 weeks of pregnancy again. But since that's not possible, I will just take each pregnancy as it comes and try to enjoy it. :)

I am grateful for that trial, as difficult as it was, and probably the most difficult of my life. I learned patience. I learned that my body is incredible and can do miraculous things, like creating a baby! I learned to rely and trust God and his timetable. I saw a side of Travis that I hadn't appreciated before, his compassion. He was so wonderful. He would get my whatever sounded good and go to great lengths to get it. Then he would bring it home to me only to find me laying on the bathroom floor, crying from pain and exhaustion. I remember one time he brought me some miso soup (he went to 3 different places before he got some) and I took one bite and was sick. It tasted different and I wanted to throw it out. He didn't get mad or yell or say, "what a waste of time and money" he just sweetly took it from me and lovingly said, "what else can I get you? what sounds good?"

Travis and I grew closer together as a couple from this trial than we would have otherwise. Our love became stronger and we were more united. He told me multiple times daily that he was so appreciative of the sacrifice of my body I was making to house our baby. He never once made me feel bad about anything. He was extremely supportive and kept me going strong. Poor guy ate fast food for about 5 months since I couldn't handle smells cooking in the kitchen. Yet he was such a trooper!

I accept that I get sick with pregnancies. It has made me a stronger person, although I remember feeling so weak and useless during the trial. It made my relationship with Travis so strong and unwavering.... exactly what we needed before the baby came. I can't imagine having a rocky foundation of a marriage and then having a baby. It's hard enough as it is, without that! But Travis and I have been able to get through so much because we had those 5 horrible months together. It prepared us for what came next... a baby with colic (trial no. 2). Stay tuned!