Where am I now

I found this song today and I feel like it pretty much describes where I am right now in my life.
Rascal Flatts- Changed

I am on the up-slope from the most detrimental year of my life. It was unbelievably hard and I am coming out of it a changed person. For the good? I'm still not sure if that experience made me a better person or what I was supposed to learn from it. I still stick by that I would have rather not gone through it. It completely turned my whole being upside down.

I feel like I am still trying to live in the past happier times because that's all I can reach out for right now. But I'm ready to move forward and look to the future. I want a fresh start. Since I've been in Colorado I have healed. Not all the way, but a lot. I see that I am bored here and I really am thinking I want to go back to Vegas and continue on the good path I was on before I strayed off. I have a plan. And that plan feels good. Thank you to all of those who have been by my side throughout this process and who have helped me in ways you probably don't even realize. I owe everything to you.

Hallowen Costume

 This year I found this creepy picture so I decided to re-enact it for part of my costume. The other part of my costume is I created a QR code that I will wear on my shirt and people can scan it and see the picture! Pretty ingenious, huh? Happy Halloween!!

Enter title here.

Not that I really feel like anybody cares, it's just helpful to get out my thoughts somehow. I have been in Colorado for a week now trying to get "well". It's been really nice and helpful, but I still have a lot of animosity in me. My life is stressing me out more that I thought I could even handle, and I'm still not convinced I can handle this.... But I am trying and taking it day by day. I have honestly completely lost all faith in people. I trust no one. I feel like a pinball in a pinball game. Being tossed around, slapped, punched in the gut over and over again. It won't stop no matter how hard I try. I know the sayings: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" or "when you get knocked down, get up and try again" blah blah blah... I just don't understand anything, and frankly I'm about at my wit's end. I don't understand how my "friends" don't even have the time to call or text to just say hi. Maybe see how I'm doing. I don't understand how they can say to me, "let's go to lunch" and then when I suggest a multitude of days they're suddenly completely too busy to make it work. Or when they say we need to hang out, then I find out they do things all the time and "forget" to invite me. I'm sick of being the one to make plans and those plans always going down the drain because "something more important came up and they have to cancel". All my life I've been a compassionate person. I would do anything for a friend. I would try and make a special effort to be sensitive on how they are feeling, if they need anything, or if they need someone to just sit with. But do I get that in return? No. What a crock. Needless to say, I have lost all faith in people and trust no one. Here's to me and my pathetic life.

True Feelings

Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest here. I'm going to lay my heart out and hold nothing back. I've been finding myself in deep thought a lot lately and these past couple months I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I moved here to Vegas wanting to be on my own, independent, and having a fresh start. I've had some really great times and have learned a lot about myself. Along the way I have been blessed to find some really great friends who have been a really great support. However, lately it seems like all those friends are slipping away. In December I felt on top of the world. I had a new job that was in my field, I had a great roomate, a large group of friends from church, and I had made some pretty great friends at work who I was also spending a lot of time with. Then January comes and it seems like everything began spiraling out of control. At my job I have to work nights, so there went my social group from church because they all work in the day and never have time to do anything when I have just a little time off. So I miss out on all the thing's they're always doing and I don't at all feel like a part of the group anymore. With my group of friends at work- there's 3 of us and we called ourselves the "triad". Well, one of them broke up with her boyfriend and got a new job and suddenly we were on the outs. We are no longer important to her and she can never "pencil us in" to her busy schedule. It has been a hard transition because we were so so close (so I thought) and then in one instant we don't matter. At least that's how it feels. It's just hard to go from talking to someone every day to bam, nothing. So with that- triad is history. Then, I get yet another dose of devastating news. The great wonderful roomate is moving out and getting her own place. This one is hard because I know how excited she is to make this step but I can't help feeling left in the dust a little bit. It was really comforting to have someone living in the same house who I knew I could go to and talk about anything. And now that she's gone there's this overwhelming empty feeling at home. But I do know that I can still rely on her like I did, it's just a little different.
So now here I am at this point. Feeling kind of lost. I have no idea which direction to go or who I can turn to. So I just am trying to take it a day at a time. I tell myself, just get through today and don't worry about anything else. It is so hard! I've always had this weird struggle, feeling like I don't have any friends who are truly a good friend through thick and thin. I want so badly to have that and I feel like I find it then it just diminishes and I'm left standing all by myself again.

Life...

Finally! I have a second to update this thing. I feel like my life is constantly tuned to fast-forward mode. For the past month I have been working 2 jobs a day and as much as I don't want to admit it, it's really starting to get to me. I feel like all I do is go to work, sleep, and eat a little bit in between. I miss my friends!! Sure, I've got great friends at work, but I feel like I'm always missing out on what the group is doing, I never get to watch my favorite tv shows with my roomie, and I'm even missing family time with my Aunt's family. I have been thinking a lot about what to do with my working situation. I'm SO grateful to have work when I know a lot of people can't even get a job. I see all the successful people around me only having to handle 1 job and being able to sustain themselves on that one paycheck. I have an opportunity right now to quit 3 of my jobs and work at the zipline full time. HOWEVER, my fear in doing that is what if I don't get the hours I've been promised? What if I am suddenly out of work? Would any of the 3 jobs be able to take me back? Everything in my heart tells me that it will work out but then my head says not to be so sure. It's such a scary decision! I want so badly to focus on the one job and have some time to relax during the day and do fun things for me. Ok well, I gotta run to work- leave any advice you might have! I'd love to hear any suggestions or encouraging words!

<3 Loves!

Day 3

Tonight will be my third day working 2 jobs in one day. I really thought I could handle it and I still do. BUT I am sooo ridiculously tired!! I am determined to not let it affect me while I'm at work and make sure I'm always on the top of my game. I'm a little skeptical.... I hope I can keep up with it all. So far the zipline has been fun. Every night there's been something interesting. Day one: some nice homeless lady came in to the office and talked to me for a while. She told me I need to be a cocktail waitress haha! Day 2: some local off duty cops were out for someone's birthday and made me pose with them for pictures and kept going on about how they're on true tv on something like Las Vegas jailhouse. One guy even stood there for like 10 minutes trying to find something on his phone to prove to me they were on tv. Truthfully, I didn't care. Wonder what will happen tonight...

Record holds true...

So I realized the other day that I have a pretty good track record. Here's a little random fact about me: Every job I have had an interview for, I have gotten the job every time- and I've had a good amount of jobs so far! I had my most recent job interview tonight at a place called Flightlines downtown on Fremont Street. I was actually getting really nervous before because I wanted it so badly. So I said a little prayer in my car before I left, and that completely calmed me down. When I got there they said I was going to fly first. How cool is that!! I got to do the zip line as part of my interview!! Pretty sure that tops the charts as best interview ever! Then after I did the zip line I went back and sat down for the actual interview part. I was prepared for all kinds of questions they might have for me but to my surprise, there were no questions. It was pretty much when are you available, you start next week, done. NOT EVEN 5 MINUTES!! Wow! I feel so blessed for this opportunity and am so excited for this new adventure in my life. I am a little nervous, however,  about when I'm going to be able to get in a little thing called sleep, but we'll see!