trust

"To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what he is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all." -Elder Richard G. Scott

life: completely happy and overwhelmed

so i just want to vent, for just a few minutes, about this crazy little thing we call life.

how incredibly wonderful life really is and how stressful it can be. right now, my mind feels like this:

akjdflkadkndladjfoaiejowefkdfja

so forgive me if my portrayed thoughts also seem this way. first of all, i want to start out with how incredibly happy and thankful i really am (because what is about to come might lead you to believe otherwise.) i really am so grateful for so many things in my life right now for example:

*i'm grateful for God and his influence in my life.

*i am so grateful that i am attending the university of utah and receiving a higher education.

*i am grateful that i can finally see the light at the end of my bachelor degree tunnel (graduating in december and feeling really motivated!)

*i am so grateful for the feeling of having strong relationships with every member of my family.

*i am grateful i have been able to go to st. george twice in one month to see my family down south (this has never happened.)

*i am grateful i have a car, that runs.

*i'm grateful for church, that i can go every sunday and get a break from everything else.

*i'm grateful for goal setting and even more goal achieving.

*i'm grateful for so many little day to day things that really make my day worth it.

*i'm grateful for an upcoming trip to hawaii i have to look forward to on days like today.

*honestly, i think my gratitude list could go on forever.

as thankful as i am, i still feel the need to vent because i'm only human. life is busy. i like busy because then i feel worthwhile.but have you ever dealt with what i like to call

the battle of balance? i go through phases where i feel life is balanced, it's out of whack

or i just don't care.right now, it's out of whack (and the purpose of my vent session.)

let me further explain, in my life right now i am struggling to balance

the big and general things in life including:

*church/the gospel

(daily scripture study)

*school

(20 credits of homework, reading and grades)

*work

(both at a job and a research lab)

*social life

(dating, or just seeing friends)

*physical

(gym, eating, showering, enough sleep)

i think these are the things that i tend to struggle with the most. while there are other things that may occur that i want to find time for these generalized categories seem to sum it up. but let me just give some more detail.

so my day starts around 6-6:30 am. i am desperately fighting to keep my eyes awake because i slept less than i would desire, frustrating but typical.i would like to shower, do my hair and make up and pick out a cute outfit but because i pressed snooze one too many times i end up going to school in the first thing i see. pulling my hair up in a pony tale and am lucky if i can even find my mascara or tooth brush.

then there is the battle of eating healthy. yeah, i want to have a nice healthy breakfast but that takes time. most days i can grab a slim fast and some sort of bar (some times a candy bar and sometimes a protein bar-- it's all about speed) and eat it in the car. if i am really lucky, my daddy greg will be up making eggs for my sister and i'll score an egg sandwich i can eat in the car.

well i have chosen to drive to school because it only takes 45 minutes opposed to the hour and a half it takes to take tracks. tracks are free, gas and parking are not. i'm losing precious reading time on tracks but i'm gaining 45 minutes of sleep. you win some and you lose some.

now school i'm at school.

i've got my lap top open trying to take notes, i've got a note pad out taking other notes, the teacher has a power point going that i don't want to take notes on because i can just print it off or should i print it off? i want to do my part to save trees too. but if i study on a piece of paper i feel like it's more effective. i like to read my own handwriting (but it's often too messy) so i'll type it. maybe i should get an ipad because the boy next to me has one and he seems more organized (plus it has games). i feel like the stress doesn't come from studying alone but also trying to find the most effective way to get organized.

now that school is over i'm starving.

i don't know if i can make it home to eat from an empty fridge for free or if i should just pull off to subway because it's only $5 and that's how jared lost his weight. but subway doesn't sound good. i want costa vita but it's more like $10 and mom can't go to lunch today because she has her own life. but by the time i decide i'm home and end up with a diet coke and cookie because it's all we have that requires no prep.

while eating, i realize that my nails haven't been painted in days or even trimmed in weeks. i look even more haggard and it just adds to the stress.

lunch is over and i'm exhausted. i have over 800 pages to read in my text books because they all showed up late and now i'm behind. oh wait, i stepped on my glasses yesterday, too. so i guess that's out of the question.

i'm so tired i would love to just take a nap. if i choose the nap option i just spend an hour of rattling off to myself the things i should be doing instead of napping. hour wasted.

then there is the exercise option. after all i am going to hawaii in a month and would like to be worthy of even a one-piece swim suit. i know i like the way i feel after but i'm just so tired. plus if i exercise now i'm just going to have to shower again and take more time getting ready again because i work in 3 hours. plus, i rather go to the gym because i work out more effectively there but i have a poor neglected dog who needs some exercise too. oh the dilemma.

i work hard, running around like a crazy person trying to satisfy people's needs so i can get a good tip. i get home at 11:00pm and i'm hungry, i haven't had anything to eat. so now i'm eating unhealthy at a late hour. double shame.

i go to my room to get ready for bed and take a look at how long it has been since i have cleaned my room. i see a pile of clean clothes and feel so lucky that my mom still does my laundry because i clearly don't have the time. then that reminds me, i forgot to unload the dishwasher and take out the trash like she had asked me this morning. bad daughter award.

i really should start reading some of my text books so i don't get even more behind but i have the excuse of "i just worked so hard i deserve a break" lingering in my thoughts. so then i think i should at least read a few verses of my scriptures to get some guidance in my life. but instead i end up watching modern family because i'm behind and it requires much less effort. and since my social life is shot, modern family is the one thing that keeps me tied to the world out side of academics.

what social life i should have, is non existent because a.) i've deleted my facebook account trying work on time management and some comparison issues i have of comparing my lousy news feed to the seemingly glorious feed of those i call "friends" (but honestly, i do feel the relief there). and b.) i've chosen to spend my friday nights studying for the GRE and looking into graduate programs because the day i set aside to do that, i ended up taking my baby sister snowboarding instead to try and win her approval.

whef. and here i am. with all of these things to do and instead of doing them, i'm blogging them.

but i do admit the catharsis feels good. so no, i don't regret venting my life away.

i really do love trying to fight the battle of balance. even though it's hard, when you're on a good streak it feels good. and when you're a mess, at least you feel like you're living and you're doing something with your time and life.

please forgive my jumbled thought processes, lack of punctuation, capitalization and grammar, but thanks for reading. feel free to comment below if you know the feeling, have any suggestions, thoughts or comments.

xoxoxo

the cutest thing ever!

Daddy Its Cold Outside

do good.

my favorite kids

what are you thankful for?

the best 7 months.

i guess it's time to tell the long boring story of

what happened, yeah?

well... here it is.

once upon a time, i was a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. This was the best time of my life. I spent 3 months in Provo Utah learning the ins and outs of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the scriptures. I also was learning how to teach what i believe in the Russian language. This place is and was my happy place. I loved it here. There was no outside world, there was just the spirit of the Lord filling the hearts of those who had been called to serve. Plus, they had the best doughnuts in the world and a full fledged cereal bar. Why would anyone not want to go to there?

Well, my 3 months were up. It was time to embark into the mysterious land of Ukraine. Yup, clear on the opposite side of the world. My mom is convinced that i was called to Ukraine because if it was any closer or appealing she would be coming by for visits. So thank you mom, for the best calling in the world.

I arrived in Ukraine in the heart of winter. It was FREEZING cold and i was greeted by my NATIVE companion who didn't speak english. I thought my russian was perfect when i left the school for missionaries.. but when i got to Ukraine, i realized that i had learned a different language. I didn't understand anything!

i spent 4 months in Ukraine working hard and trying to bring souls unto Christ. The best 4 months, ever.

Until one day, my companion and i were walking to a lesson when all of a sudden i wasn't feeling so well. I ended up vomiting on the side of the road. My companion made us go home. The sickness lasted for another 2 days. It turned to the point where i wasn't even able to keep down water. That's when i was sent to the hospital.

It was about midnight, 2 young girls, trying to use our broken russian to get me an IV. They didn't want to give me just an IV, they wanted to test it all. I had some pretty horrific experiences. (take me to lunch and maybe i'll tell you about them, or just call mom.. she loves to tell them!)

Well, the IV ended at 4 am. I decided i'd wait until 6 before we left. Yes, we tried to just walk out of the hospital. I'm sorry but I felt like i was in a butcher shop, not a hospital. I love Ukraine, i don't love their hospitals (heck, i don't even love the hospitals in america!) Our attempt to escape didn't go over as planned. We were trapped for another 10 hours.

My mission president and his wife came by that evening. I convinced them that I would keep fluids down. I was going to be fine. I was fine, for about a day. Then it all started again, but worse. I couldn't go back! But, i went back. Spent another night at the hospital and waited the entire next day to see a doctor. Finally the area doc (who is from america) decided to fly me to the capital of Ukraine, Kiev. This was an hour flight that felt like 24. I was REALLY sick. I even had to use those little brown bags that were tucked in the seat back in front of me. I had to take a few spares for the car ride as well.

Got to the hospital and after another long traumatic night, they decided they would operate in the morning. They were going to remove my appendix. The surgery went well and i spent the following week healing in the hospital. Russian soap operas, chats with the old women, and lots of laps up and down the short hospital halls.

After little convincing, the doctor agreed that visiting the new temple in Kiev would be great in my recovery process. I was barely able to stand but you better believe I made it to the temple. It was the most spiritual session i have ever been a part of.

Well, feeling a little better. (Considering I had barely eaten in 3 weeks and had lost about 20 lbs.)It was time to return to my city Dnepropetrovsk. I spent a few days at the mission home and then it all began again. When i started to eat the pain was back, the vomiting, the horror! The decision was made that i needed to return to America for some treatment.

I have been home for 7 weeks and i finally have a diagnosis. I think they were faster in Ukraine! I have been diagnosed with something called Brucellosis. I will now be on 6 weeks of medication and will return to the doctor to be re-tested. I hope that the medicine will get this nasty bug out of my system and with no re-lapse!

I am so grateful for the prayers and love from all of my friends and family. I know it is because of your love and concern that i am on the road to recovery. So thank you for your endless faith! I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for his compassion and help through my trials. It was the best 7 months. i know i didn't get to serve my full year and a half, but i am grateful for the time that i did have. i am grateful for the people in Ukraine and the wonderful things that they have taught me. I am grateful for this opportunity i have had to learn patience and to really understand the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that it has been a long and hard trial but i also know that my Savior has been there carrying me through every step of the way. I am grateful for this sure knowledge. My heart is full of gratitude for this learning experience.

xoxo

Mama

love you, i really miss you right now! no freaking out though. we will keep you updated when we hear what's going to happen. love you! be strong so that i can too.

love,

your girl

June 13,

Hello...

Today will be a short little e-mail. I just wanted to let you all know that I spent the weekend in the hospital in Ukraine. I am fine, still alive. See, even have a bit of strength to e-mail home. We have no clue what is going on. I haven't eaten since Wednesday, well, i have attempted but nothing has stayed down so i have been put on a liquid diet. For a while the liquid didn't stay down either so that is why I ended up in the hospital. It reminded me of the one episode of twilight zone i ever saw-- night mare. But fluids are staying down until last night i had a little relapse and vomited again. There is a wonderful area doctor in Kiev keeping in touch with me and one of the missionary senior couples is in town and he's also a doctor (eye doc, none the less a doc.) They think that it could be my appendix. Initially they thought my pancreas, then my stomach and then my appendix. Who knows?? I just know it hurts, kind of a lot. I mostly feel bad for my bored companion. I have been staying at the mission home where my mission presidents wife has been taking very good care of me. The hospital here wants to stick a tube in my nose to see my tummy. I don't like that idea because it goes down without medicine to put me out. The doctor wants to wait it out today and see how I feel and if there is no improvement I may be sent to Germany for some further health care. I always wanted to go to Germany! Okay, not THAT bad but they are about as modern as America as far as technology goes. I will have to go alone. But, we don't know that yet. I am not telling you to worry you, only to fill you in. I am going to get better soon, I know it. The Lord gives us these trials for a reason. I am just lucky to be in good care here. I am in His hands and that's the most important. i KNOW the Lord loves his missionaries, so he'll keep me safe. Thank you for your prayers. If we get any more of an update I may be able to call mom, e-mail, or my presidents wife will e-mail.

2 nephi 4:20-21

Love you,

Sister Carmack

"this boy came to english this week and has some cool iron man shoes. no, i didn't try.. i really wanted to though. my president would have killed me! ha ha"

"cotton is filling the air. it is like a snow blizzard with cotton. in my eyes, nose and mouth. the popper trees line the streets here."

"our filtering system. what it looks like new and what it looks like after a month or so... eww!"

JUNE 06

Oh happy day!

The sun is shining and thankfully the wind is blowing today.

Giving us a little break from the dreadful heat.

Our week was VERY interesting, frustrating and really

quite wonderful all at the same time.

i hope i can find the words to paint the perfect

picture for ya'll.

Lets just say i have had to do

a lot of stretching this week.

Well, starting with the good news,

we have another investigator on DATE for

BAPTISM.

It is not until the start of September,

but none the less she is progressing right

towards baptism. HOORAY!!

we found another investigator. her name is Ludmela. She is the

porta potty attendant at the park and we sit on the ground outside

of the porta potties and get to teach her

about the wonders of the gospel. she's an old babooshka (grandma)

and we love her very much.

in fact, my companion just leaned over to me and asked,

"what's a prettier way to say porta potty?" she must be

writing home about our beloved Ludmela too!

So, we had a little gal (13 years old) who we were

teaching and who was so excited to get baptised. She was on date for...

well, last week. obviously that didn't work out.

she has been "dogging" us-- that is the official word

the missionaries use to mean "bailing" or "ditching out on", we even have made it into a russianized verb that makes no sense to the native speakers. anyways, she wouldn't meet with us time and time again. well we came to find out through some members that she thinks our church is BORING. that broke my little heart. i am sure it broke heavenly fathers heart even more.

we had been dogged about 12 times this past week and only one of our eleven investigators showed up for church. something that i have really been struggling with is

free agency.

it is such a very important and incredible gift we have from God. in fact, it may be one of the best gifts he gives to us. it is so frustrating though when people CHOOSE not to meet with us, when they CHOOSE to not read from the book of Mormon or pray about the things we teach them. they have to make the choice for themselves and it can be so tiring when we do all that we can do to help them. we wear ourselves out trying to help them find the truth and exhaust all of our resources but when it comes down to it, they have to CHOOSE to have the desire to do these things.

But then again, i just think about the poor parents that had to raise me and put up with my mistakes and sometimes i didn't voice my gratitude for all they did for me. or even more so God. i am sure there have been many times when he would just love to shake me and say just listen to me! i am doing so much for you so that you can make the right choices yet you're still not getting it. but i am learning and i am trying.

we got a new senior couple who works in our mission office. they are the merrills from Brigham utah. i love them, especially sister merrill. she has been struggling, i think. she misses her kids and grand kids--i can't blame her, they're so cute! but i got to go on "splits" with her yesterday. she was my companion for the day and my companion was with another member so we could go to different branches and do double the work. then they cooked for us after church! i hadn't had a mommy home cooked meal in 6 months. it was soo yummy. she's so great. she's like the mission grandma for us missionaries.

well, for some funny stories.

a woman got up in church yesterday and bore her testimony of prayer. she announced to everyone how i had taught her son to pray when we were over at their house one time. he's kind of a little rowdy 5 year old. but she says now he prays every day. he even prays before he watches tv or when he plays the computer so he'll win his game! i guess it's good he's praying, right?? ha ha

my companions mom sent us jump ropes! maybe she thinks we are getting a little porky, i don't know. but i love to do the jump rope. it's been way fun. i even am getting the criss cross back. but we live in a little compartment so when my companion went to jump rope she shattered the light and now we live by flash light.

the other day we called an old babooshka (grandma) member. she's old and lonely and so we wanted to go visit her. she told us that she couldn't come visit her because it's so hot outside and she'd be embarrassed if we came because she was naked! she said, it'd be to hard to put clothes on right now. i'll just see you at church on sunday. how funny is that? we didn't know what to say back!

we had a big meeting for missionaries this week at presidents house. we all left at the same time and went walking out the front door and greeting us was a HUGE gust of wind that blew my skirt right up and over my head. yes, in front of all of the elders. i was seen once again in my true religions. poor elders. maybe i shouldn't wear the white skirt anymore. it seems to have the parachute effect.

mom, remember when i was REALLY young and we were in vegas and they were handing me things out on the street that i was collecting? then i realized the things they were handing me and i threw them in the air and started balling. okay so what if i was 12 when it happened because it happened again, but i was a missionary! people always hand me random things on the street so i always give them something in return. fortunately the things i had been giving in return were pictures of Christ because the things i had collected were just awful. i hope no one saw those things when they were in my hands. just like then, i wanted to cry. why do people do that? hopefully these people will be showing up at english practice and the spiritual thought will be something pertaining to the law of chastity!

i love this church,

it's SO true.

anyways, off to go bowling now. i hope everyone is wonderful.

until next week.

sister carmack

p.s. i have been studying hope this week.

1 thessalonians 5:8

2 thessalonians 3:16

alma 57:27

EXTENSION

guess what? my mission is being extended! i may not get home until almost july, fyi :)

may 23

Happy may 23!

How is everyone doing?? I am really well. I usually am really good at taking notes about what has been going on in my week but we have been SO busy that I haven't taken notes or written in my journal or anything. I have been fully consumed in the work of the Lord and I am loving every minute of it. Let me see what I can remember...

Last Monday (p-day): The elders gave me a hair cut. No it is not even, or is it quite like layers. Yes, I kind of look like a puppy dog.

Tuesday: We had zone conference. It was so great. It was a big inspiration for me. I got even more motivated about mission work. Zone conference is just all of the missionaries in my city gathered together and listened to our mission president, his wife, and a few of the missionaries give talks. It was really inspiring.

Wednesday-Saturday: work work work.

Sunday: Katya's baptism. Katya is our investigator who has been waiting for a year to be baptised. She is the most active person in all of Dnepr and she hadn't even been baptised. It was her birthday yesterday so she was finally able to baptize. Elder Hardy, who is our mission office senior couple and leaving tomorrow was able to baptize her in the river. It was a really neat moment for us all. She was so excited.

On the way to the baptism we were running to get there on time we were with the elders and I was carrying this huge bag that was like half my weight in Juice for the refreshments. Well, I tripped over a random pipe on the ground and I went sprawled out face first for the cement. The elders said, "our first reaction was 'you're a sister i can't touch you." Gee thanks elders! Of course I was wearing a white skirt. And when I fell it went clear up over my head. My hands and knees were bleeding with rocks in them.

Then, last night in my sleep, I scratched my face and have huge claw marks on my nose.

THEN, today we were playing Frisbee at a picnic and I accidental caught the Frisbee with my face and I have a fat lip. But don't worry, I just look like an abused missionary.. I feel fine!

It is SO HOT here. It is already 96 today and they say it gets up to about 120 and the humidity is KILLER. I just sweat all day long. We ride on these little buses for public transportation that just jam pack people into them and they don't believe in opening windows here because you'll get sick. They don't wear deodorant either... they should. The unfortunate thing about it is that we stand up a lot on these buses and hang on to a bar right above our heads. I happen to be the perfect size to fit right under the armpit of a stinky man. I am armpit size.

I am searching for a moo-moo. Seriously. If anyone back home sees a modest moo moo that doesn't look too much like pj's. They will forever be my hero. I think I need one of those things that we wrap around the dogs necks at the lake, the ice necklaces. I am not sure how I am going to function with out water to jump in. Pray for me!

But other than the heat and a few bruises I am so so happy. I am loving every minute of my mission. We have so much work right now. We are over flowing with work. The sisters have been very blessed.

We went to this town 2 hours out side of the city to do service for some members. They don't have a church there yet because there aren't enough members and missionaries aren't allowed to wear our badges there because it's not open to missionaries. But while we were there, we went into a grocery store, not wearing our badges, the lady behind the counter asked. Girls, do you know where I can find the true church? It was such a neat experience because it made me think that we don't have to wear a name tag to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, It can show in our actions countenances.

So my scripture for you this week is ephesians 5:8 let the light of Christ shine!

Pray for the work here, for the whole world. We need more missionaries. We need more member missionaries. We need more FAITH.

I love you all. Hope you are all wonderful. Until next week.

Love,

Sister Carmack

Dear Elders and Sisters,

We so much enjoyed being with you in Zone Conference! Thank you so much for your devotion and diligence.

Love,

Sister Nielsen

HELLLOOOOO.....

It has been two weeks since i last wrote because last week i got to skype home! it was so great to see the family. But, ALOT has happened in two weeks. So here goes...

First things first, we had a baptism on saturday! Wahooo. It was our investigator too! It was such a neat experience, she has been an investigator for a year and a half.

Next, we have another baptism on Sunday. She has been an investigator for a yearish. Her birhtday is on sunday and she will be 18 so she can finally be baptised (her parents wouldn't allow it before).

Then, we have another baptism scheduled for June 5th. We just started teaching her since I have been here. Maybe the last 4 weeks. She is 13 and is already so incredible! Her family are all members but they are inactive. We are hoping that her example will help them reactivate.

Other big news, I got a new companion. Her name is Sister Lacie. She is from Washington state. She is a singer, she sings beautifully, actually. She also plays the piano. She is the youngest of 4 kids who all served missions. She studied journalism before the mission at BYU-- we are still working out that MINOR kink.

Sister Lacie has been in Ukraine for 6 months. Not much longer than me. It has been really stressful so far this transfer for me because I am the only one of the 2 of us that knows the city that only has 3 million people and all of our investigators. I feel like i've been thrown right into the senior companionship position and i am still a newbie!

Oh, I sleep walk. If I actually can get myself to sleep, apparently I sleep walk, and talk. Luckily we have an enclosed balcony. (It's totally safe mom.)

The old man I love, Yakovenko family who wants to adopt me, has given me the nickname, "My little bride." They are the best. They found out why he is sick. I guess he has just been taking too many pills to cure himself that it is shutting down his organs. Now they have him on a bunch of herbal medicine. This is good news.

There is this cotton stuff that is on the trees that is seriously falling like snow. Every time you breathe it goes in your nose and it sticks in my eyelashes. Allergies in utah won't have nothin' on me when I return home.

Oh, I finished the Book of Mormon today for my 2nd round since I've been in Ukraine. It's the best feeling. I love the book of mormon.

Well, I guess that is about all of the time I have. Thank you for all of your prayers back home. Pray for the elders to find some more work-- the have to give the sisters all of their women contacts so they haven't been as lucky as us.

Love you all. Have a wonderful week.

Sister Carmack

Alma 37:17