Summer

Okay, I have to admit, I am NOT one of those people that LOVES Summer break! Yes, I love being able to do fun things with my kiddos in the Summer but it gets really hard to plan things everyday!
I even sat sown and made a very detailed Summer schedule from when we ate breakfast, did chores, gymnastics, story time at the library, school work, lunch, nap, outside time, and some fun activities to keep us busy. Well, all it takes is a missed nap or a cranky baby to throw everything off! I even started waking up at 6 AM to go running so I could get home and get ready for the day before my kids were even up. It has helped a little but with 2 kids and a baby, I hate to say it but THEY make the schedule not ME!
I feel like last Summer was wasted away with me being tired and pregnant and I don't want this Summer to be the same!
It sucks cause it's not like it was when I was little and I could just go out and play. Now, you have to arrange a play date and it usually consists of everyone being at my house all the time. Which is fine most of the time but sometimes I just want it to be QUIET! Our neighborhood doesn't have that many kids for my kids to play with and the ones that are, live further away. And like I said in my last post, I'm too paranoid to just say "go out and play, be home for dinner!"
It really is sad that now days you can't just let your kids go out and play without worrying they'll get kidnapped or something!

Soooo, what are some things that you do during Summer break to keep busy?

Worrier

So, I've been told that the older you get and the more kids you have...the more relaxed and easy going you become! This is so NOT true for me!
I worry SO much about EVERYTHING! So much in fact, that it will affect my decisions on whether or not to do certain things. Fun things that my kids should get to experience but aren't able to cause their mom is a paranoid freak!
I am scared to death of something happening to my husband or kids. If it's bad weather, I make Preston text me to let me know that he got to work safe. I worry every time he takes the kids on the 4-wheeler and not just because of what happened with Kayston. I was worried before that but that just put more worry on top of my worry! I hate driving far places in fear of getting in a car accident and when we are on the freeway, you better believe I'm a freak to drive with. I NEVER sleep in the car cause I think that if I stay awake, I can prevent a wreck from happening!
My brother-in-law and his wife were recently sealed in the Idaho Falls Temple. Well, it was only a couple of weeks after having Kenley so there was no way I could have gone. But, I told Preston not to go either because I am so scared of him getting in an accident and dying! I tried to blame it on just having a baby and a couple of other things but the main reason is because I just can't imagine anything happening to him.
Some of you know that he and kayston are building a "cabin" up Spanish Fork canyon. Well, it's further than that, about 2 hours away. Every time he plans a day to go up there, I have anxiety about it until they are home safe and sound! I can't help but picture them rolling off a cliff and no one can find them cause it is in such a remote area.
I am freaked out about natural disasters (earth quakes in particular) and I am seriously ready to move from Utah! I worry about fires, floods, terrorist attacks, someone breaking in our house, my kids being kidnapped, my parents dying, someone in my family getting sick, my kids or hubby dying or getting badly hurt and those are just the bigger things.
I don't let my kids go out and play unless I am out there with them. It boggles me when kids that are Kayston's age are just roaming the neighborhood and there parents are nowhere to be seen! I have to know where my kids are at all times! I don't think is weird at all! I think every parent should know where their kid is! And "playing outside" isn't the best answer!
Anyway, am I the only one that feels like this? Does anybody else worry as much as I do? I hate always feeling so worried and I hate that I let it affect the things we do. Am I CrAzY??

Venting!!!

You know what makes me REALLY mad?? Is when a grown adult, can't take responsibility for their own STUPID actions!! And then they expect people to keep bailing them out! And then people keep bailing them out!! There for, they will NEVER grow up and they will NEVER learn!!!!
I can't even count how many times I have sat back and watched this happen and I am SICK of it!!
Come on people, GROW UP and freakin take responsibility for your actions! Don't let other people that have done nothing but helped you, take the fall for your mistake! Especially when they helped you out in the first place!!

GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!

Well, I accomplished something HUGE today! I actually bore my testimony. Okay, so it was only in relief society and, I kind of had to but, I still did it and and it felt great!! As you know, I am the new secretary in the relief society and since we are all new to the presidency, (our ward split and we were combined with part of another ward) the president asked all of us to stand up to introduce ourselves and to also bear our testimony. I have been a little nervous all week but deep down I knew it would be okay. I have honestly just been praying my guts out that I wouldn't be too nervous and that I wouldn't pass out! =) It was a little harder being the last one to go but it also made it a little easier too. I felt so relieved after I was done but at the same time...I wanted to get back up there. WEIRD!

I'm so grateful for this new calling and I can already tell that I'm going to love it! Oh, and I even had a few people tell me that they were very touched by my testimony and thanked me! WOW!

So, HOORAY for me! And for anybody that has been wanting to get up there but have been too afraid...if I can do it, YOU CAN DO IT!!

P.S I cried, even though I promised myself I wouldn't but who am I to say that I won't cry?!? I cry at EVERYTHING!!

Before you read this post, read the one below it titled "emotions"!

So, we found out on Memorial Day that there is only 1 baby! I have to admit that we were both actually pretty sad about it! At first when I found out that there might be 2 I was freaked out and could only imagine all the work it would be. But, as we tried to prepare ourselves for what could be, I started feeling more excited about the whole situation. It only took a couple of days and a trip to Costco with the kids (they were both beasts) to make me realize that it will definitely be better (and easier) with only one baby.
After over a year of trying, we just feel so blessed to "hopefully" be able to bring another healthy baby into our family!!
But, now the question is...since we thought we were possibly having twins, does this mean we're supposed to have one more and that was what we were really being prepared for?? Anybody? =)

Emotions...

A lot has been going on over the past couple of weeks and I have been feeling a whirl wind of emotions! Even though I'm not planning on posting this (at least for right now) I've decided to write down all the things that are going through my head.

As you know, Preston and I have been trying for another baby for sometime now. A little over a year to be exact. Well, on Tuesday, May 11th I found out I was pregnant with a home pregnancy test purchased from the Dollar store! Even though I was in total shock and denial, a part of me was jumping for joy! I was beginning to think that it was never going to happen and that maybe we were meant to only have 2 kids. Which is fine! I am SO grateful for the 2 great kids that I have but a part of me knew that there was at least one more waiting to come to our family!
So, after finding out our good news I hurried and called my good friend that does Ultrasounds to see if she would scan me before she went on maternity leave. So last Thursday, the 20th, I went in to see how things were looking. I knew it would be really early and that we probably wouldn't even see a heartbeat but, I just wanted to make sure things were growing in the right places! (I always get worried about having a tubal pregnancy)
Well, it turns out that I was about 5 weeks along but it was still a little too early to see a heartbeat. But, everything was where it was supposed to be and looked perfectly normal. That is until, my friend said that she was seeing 2 sacs. WHAT???? Are you kidding me? 2?? What does this mean? Are you sure? She said that since it was still so early that she couldn't be 100% sure but there is a chance that there are TWINS!!!
My heart sunk! I sat there in complete shock while at the same time Preston was ecstatic and pretty much just laughing!
These are some of the things that went thorough my head at that very moment...
we don't have a big enough car for 4 kids!
what about our Mexico trips? Who is going to want to watch 4 kids for us?!
I'm never going to be able to go ANYWHERE!!
Formula for 2 babies! How much is that going to cost?
Twin pregnancies are much higher risk! What if I have to go on bed rest?
What if something goes wrong and I lose 1 or both babies?
What if they're not healthy?
What about my other 2 kids? Are they going to get pushed aside?
These are just a few of the MANY things that have been going through my mind the past few days. Here we were, worried that we might not even get 1 more baby and now there is a chance that we could have 2! Don't get me wrong, I will be SO grateful for however it does turn out and I know that we can handle whatever comes our way but, you have to admit...it's SCARY!!
Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep the last few nights and I feel like my mind is somewhere else! I have to go back in a couple of weeks to confirm either way and I'm pretty sure it's going to be the longest 2 weeks of my life!
Not to mention, on top of all this, yesterday they called me to be the new Relief Society Secretary! Yikes!!! Why is it, that nothing can happen for years...and then all of the sudden, everything hits you within a matter of a couple of weeks?? I guess that's why they're called trials, right?
Well, by the time anyone reads this (if they ever do) we will know the verdict to our future! And, we will be ready for whatever Heavenly Father decides to throw are way! =)
After all, you'll never be give more than you can handle, right?

Have you ever had one of those days where you did something that would totally earn you the "worst mother of the year" award?? Well yesterday I definitely earned it.
We had a busy day yesterday starting out with yard sales then a trip to the Temple (which didn't work out due to expired temple recommends) then we had Kayston's first soccer game. So, we put Bry down for an early nap but she was only able to sleep for about an hour before we had to go. After the game we went to get ice cream and to the store. When we got home we could tell she was still super tired so I decided to lay her down for another nap. As I was getting things ready for our BBQ with friends that night, I realized I had forgotten something I needed for a salad. So, I walked back to listen by her door to make sure she was asleep. I couldn't hear anything so I told Preston, who was outside doing yard work at the time, that I had to run back to the store and Bry was sleeping.
When I got home from the store (about 45 minutes later) I came in and heard Bry crying. I just figured the lawn mower probably woke her up and scared her. Well, as I got closer to her room, it sounded like she was closer to the door than she should be. I went in and sure enough, she had climbed/fell out of her crib (she has NEVER done this before) and she was screaming. I went to pick her up and realized she had no diaper on. What the? (she usually has a onesie on but yesterday was pretty hot so I took it off.) I could tell that she had been crying for a while and she was acting super scared. Even shaking! =( I saw her diaper in the crib so I went over to get it. I realized that she had pooped so I was looking for any mess. (luckily it all stayed in the diaper but I still washed every blanket and pillow case) As I rolled up the diaper she was freaked out by it and kept saying owie. Not really sure why but I'm assuming it either hurt her when she pooped or she was just freaked out by was in her diaper. After I took care of the diaper, I took her into to give her a bath. The whole time she was crying and asking for gaggy. (aka Daddy) I felt SO bad, I could barley hold back my own tears. I felt that she thought that I was there the whole time but just ignoring her and that's why she wanted daddy. =(
I'm not sure what really happened or why. All I know is that it made me feel like the worst mom in the world! Poor little girl!

Luckily for me, she still loves me and forgave me. =) Not to mention that she'll forget about it in a few days! HOPEFULLY!

Okay, well, as a few of you may already know, we have been trying to have another baby for about a year now. We wanted to start trying early since it took us over 2 years to get pregnant with Bry.
With Kayston we got pregnant the very first month we tried. It's just so weird how things work, isn't it?!
For any of you who have had troubles getting pregnant, you know how I feel. And for those of you who haven't...you're lucky!! A part of me feels bad for even writing about this because I have so many friends that can't even get pregnant with one. I know that some people think that I should just be grateful for the 2 kids that I have, and believe me I AM but, it doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt that we're having trouble having another one. Especially since I know that there is at least one more baby out there for us.

I have always wanted my kids to be close in age and for some reason, it's just not working out that way. I know that there is a bigger plan that I can't control, but I wish I could in this situation.

I've been to the doctor and had a few tests done, everything looked fine so now I have to go in this week to have an HSG test done. I had to do this before and it is NOT fun! (it's where they inject dye in your tubes to make sure there is no blockage)
Not only is it painful, but it's expensive and we have the suckiest insurance out there I swear.
The worst part is, is that I'm pretty sure nothing will be wrong so we will have done it for nothing. I mean, I guess it's good that nothing is wrong but I sometimes wish that there would be something wrong so we could get it fixed...problem solved.

It's especially hard when I see irresponsible people out there having babies that they didn't want in the first place. I'm not the kind of person that gets bitter or jealous at someone who is pregnant when I'm not, but come on people, be smart! (Has anybody watched 16 and pregnant on MTV??)
That is one of my biggest questions in life. Why is it, that the people who would make the best parents, can't have kids and then 14 year old drug addicts get pregnant the first time they have sex? WHY???

I'm pretty sure that this is what's causing my stress and being "short fused". It's really stressful, not only because we want another baby REALLY bad or that I turned 30 recently and now I'm feeling old and my original plan was to be done having kids by the time I was 30, but we're also paying for supplemental maternity insurance. The longer it takes to get knocked up...the less money we get. =) Plus it just sucks paying for it every month when we're not sure whats going to happen.

Okay, I feel better now! Thanks for listening, and don't worry, I won't ask for any tips or advice on how to get pregnant!! =)

Short fused...

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like the littlest things make you want to snap?? Well, I seem to be having a lot of those days lately. Preston likes to call it "short fused"!
I hate having these kinds of days because it seems that the people that get the brunt of it...are the people I love the very most. My kids and of course, my never annoying husband!!
I'm not sure what is making me feel this way. Stress maybe? But what would I be stressed about? Money? Kayston and school?? Keeping the house clean and getting dinner made?? What my kids are going to be like when they're older?? Adding to our family? All of these things are very possible!!
I try to get rid of my stress by running, but sometimes I feel like it almost adds to the stress. Finding time to go, not wanting to leave my family and just getting my butt out the door is sometimes a challenge.
Anybody have any stress relieving tips that seem to work?? I'll try anything at this point!

Oh, and be careful not to look at me wrong cause I might just bite your head off!! =)

Public Speaking??

For as long as I can remember, I've had a fear about public speaking. Now, this isn't a normal fear. It's a can't sleep, can't eat, nauseous stomach kind of fear. I remember when I was about 12, the bishop had asked me to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting. I nervously said yes since it was a couple of weeks away and hoped that I could do it. But, I literally stressed myself sick about it for those 2 weeks. The night before church I called him in tears and told him that I couldn't do it.

Now, for those of you who know me and hang out with me a lot, it's probably hard to believe. I am naturally LOUD and pretty outgoing. It's when all eyes are on me I start to freak out. I don't even like saying the prayer at group dinners. I try my hardest to avoid eye contact with the person choosing someone to say the prayer and act like I'm busy with the kids or something.

I HATE having this fear so much! I haven't been able to bare my testimony in church since I was probably 5 even though I want to more than anything. I felt like the worst mom at both of my kids' baby blessings not standing up to bare my testimony and let my Heavenly Father know how grateful I am for them.

I would try so hard to do it but sitting there I would be shaking and have tears in my eyes. I can't even imagine the hot mess I would be if I were to actually get up there. Nobody would be able to understand what I was saying cause I would be crying so hard. And that's if I were to make it up there before passing out.

I don't know why I have this fear. I feel that I'm not really the kind of person that cares what other people think of me...but, maybe I am.

Does anybody else have this problem? Any suggestions on how to get over it? Ugh, it's so annoying!

And so it begins...

So, I decided to start this blog so I can write down some of the crazy emotions I am feeling and going through. I know we already have a family blog but I wanted to keep that more of a FUN and HAPPY blog about our family. This blog is going to be mostly about me and the stuff I just need and want to get off my chest. I'm not saying that this is going to be a "pity" blog or always be depressing but it also might be at times.
I'm hoping to be able to look back at this and learn from it and hopefully find other people who can relate with me. You know, kind of like relief society when people start opening up about their family life and even though it sucks you think...at least I'm not the only person going through stuff like that. It kind of makes you feel a little better about the way things are and makes you feel a little more, NORMAL!
So, if I can make any of you feel a little more normal by opening up a little (or a lot) of my life...than I've accomplished something.
Enjoy and remember...thou shalt not judge!! =)