Taking a Sick Day

It's been a while since I've been sick. Not that I'm really all that sick right now. It definitely could be much worse. I could feel it coming on at the end of last week, but it just stayed there in the back of my throat, and tickled the back of my nose-- teasing me. Honestly, I knew what was happening. My body was holding it at bay, giving me enough time to hang on through stake conference and needing to direct the choir. And it worked. Monday morning I couldn't stop blowing my nose and my voice got a little deeper with a bit of that rasp.

I think my body has been holding on to health for dear life for the past couple years. It always seems like there's that one event, that one activity or concert or field trip, I just cannot be sick for. Once that event passes, I think for a fraction of a second that I'm in the clear... till I look once again at my calendar.

Well, for once in a long time, right now I can allow myself to get sick... at least, for another month. Then I need to get better.

I have a concert on March 2nd. Not to mention all the rehearsals until then.

See what I mean?

But we got through the Fall and Christmas. Eve was the only one who battled germs on a regular basis. I don't know what her deal was. She would catch a cold, get over it, and then a day later catch another one. Seriously, for, like, a month.

I think within the month of December I counted twelve performances of some kind for our family. Twelve! Choir, orchestra, band, and dance. So I was praying (more like begging) for good health to make it through.

Then right after Christmas we took a road trip to Boone, NC. It was glorious. We know NO ONE there. And I don't even care that it didn't snow like we had wanted it to, or that it rained the entire first day we were there, or that it was super foggy on top of the mountains and we couldn't see much. We were together. And we knew NO ONE there. We played board games and watched movies on Netflix and drank hot cocoa. We visited Mystery Hill, hiked in the mud, and walked the Mile-High Bridge on Grandfather Mountain. And did I mention we knew NO ONE there?

A week after we returned home, I left for Tampa with the girls for the Florida Music Educators Association conference. We definitely needed to not be sick for that because both girls were singing in an All-State Chorus. Allie sang in the high school mixed chorus, and Sami sang in the middle school treble chorus. And I walked all over Downtown Tampa, from rehearsals to sessions to concerts. Miles and Miles. And I felt pretty good. Wasn't even on the verge of illness.

Then this past week came. First Drew, then Eve, then Sami, then me and Allie. Drew blew through it pretty quickly, so by the weekend he was fine. Sami and I felt it coming on at about the same time, but it hit her harder faster. But Saturday she was a red-nosed, snotty mess. And Allie was able to make it through her All-County concert that day, too, without problems. Her body was holding out, too.

So the past couple days, I have been lazy while the kids have been at school. I figured I needed it. I've been going 100 miles per hour for years, so I think this was the Lord's way of making me take a break. Well, my ailment isn't really all that bad. But I think He may be trying to get me to slow down, and if I don't, He might have to send the plague to make me rest. So I'll take the hint and rest now.

A entire season of "When Calls the Heart" on Netflix should do the trick!

Hope

I can't shake the feeling this morning. I love my church. I love my ward. I love the gospel.

My heart has been heavy this week due to the sudden and tragic loss of a friend from our ward. We feel the pain of loss, and our hearts are breaking for his wife. His children are grown, but their grief has been profound. And yet, they are buoyed up by their faith. The power of prayer is real, and they are finding solace through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

I spoke with a friend this morning about the incident on Tuesday. Kevin and I were were two of seven people over at Carolyn's house that evening. She found out about the helicopter crash on the news that afternoon. She had a bad feeling and tried to text and call Gregg, because it looked like his helicopter. When she received no response she decided to drive down there. God only knows how long it would have really taken for her to be notified had she not taken initiative.

So we sat with her, held her hand, hugged her, listened (and sat in silence), as she tried to grasp the reality of what seemed a surreal experience. Her brain was in a fog, and she traveled between periods of shock and despair.

At one point her oldest daughter called, and both wept. I could hear her daughter cry that she felt awful her mom was all alone, since she and her siblings were all out of state. Then Carolyn looked around the room, smiled, and said, "I'm not alone! I have a room full of people!"

That. That is the blessing of the Church. The blessing of the gospel.

And in that moment I couldn't help but be reminded of what Alma taught it means to be baptized and take upon ourselves the name of Christ-- "to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." Truly we all have mourned with Carolyn, even the children. She may have not had her family here at that moment, but her ward family was there immediately. She didn't even sleep alone that night. We have all brought love and sustenance, and have lifted our voices in prayer for her and with her.

And I come away from this tragic experience overwhelmed by the beauty of hope and faith. The beauty of charity. The beauty and reality of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He hears her, and He grieves with her. And He gives her the peace that she needs to carry on, knowing that this life is not the end. Gregg's spirit went home to "that God to gave him life," and we are all positive he has been put to work.

Truly, this life is not the end. 

Only a few times have I been to a viewing before a funeral. And every time I couldn't help but feel that the body lying still in the coffin was not the person. Not only had life been removed, but light as well. And I say "removed" purposefully. Not "diminished" or "extinguished." Removed. Moved elsewhere. That life and light still exist. I think most people on earth can feel that, even if they don't understand it. There has to be more.

And so I cherish my knowledge of the The Plan of Happiness and Salvation. I cherish my association with my brothers and sisters in the Gospel. I cherish my testimony of Jesus Christ. And I cherish the time I have with my loves ones in mortality, finding comfort in the knowledge that our family is eternal.

Gregg's parting with Carolyn and his children is temporary. While it may feel like an eternity till they meet again, it is fleeting when compared to an eternity together. Their marriage was sealed on earth and in heaven, and death cannot sever it. And until they meet again, their family will be working on both sides of the veil to build the Kingdom. Talk about influence!

Tragedy is turning into triumph... It's just stunning.

She's 12

It has already been over a week since her 12th birthday. I had tried to write about it last weekend, and had meant to post about it on Facebook, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't find the right words. Honestly, this milestone for Allie (and our entire family) seemed almost sacred-- like the sentiments that went through my head just seemed trite compared to how I was feeling.

My emotions were taking me on a roller coaster-- nostalgia, relief, pride, fear, excitement, sadness. I couldn't ever just settle on one. All very real, and all valid. 

Our firstborn-- she who blessed our lives after one of our darkest hours-- is a young lady. She is tall and lovely, with braces, glasses, and dangly earrings. She and I can share shoes, and I have even given her some of my shirts. 

Last Sunday was her first day with the Young Women at church, and the day before they "kidnapped" her for breakfast to welcome her into the fold with the "older" girls. There are so few of them, but I think she fits right in. She loves them. And two of them have even been our babysitters before. 

And now Allie is our babysitter..., which, truthfully, is pretty fantastic. She is responsible and cheap. Plus, she stresses little and is slightly over-confident, so she has never had any fear of being left alone. 

She has been a great sport as I have "forced" her to try new activities. Choir, dance, piano, tennis, orchestra, soccer, Youth Leadership Team. She came to love and pursue some, leaving others behind. But as her talents develop I can see the amazing woman she is growing to be. 

This sweet girl has truly blessed my life. She has made me proud. She has stolen my heart. 

I do miss the days from when she was little, but, truthfully, she is much more cooperative now. Plus, she doesn't scream at me from the confines of her room anymore. She's actually fairly amiable. When I assign her a task she'll do it. It may take her a few hours to get to it, due to a good book that "happens" to get in the way, but at least she will do it without objection. And she doesn't laugh at me when I cry anymore. On the contrary, she will put her arms around me and hug me. 

How on earth did I get the privilege of raising such a choice spirit? I certainly don't deserve her. But I am humbled and thankful. Eternally and infinitely grateful.

3 mos.

13 mos.

2 yrs.

2 yrs.

Change

I have a natural aversion to change. I hate it, actually. Maybe not completely... But I hate change when it comes to something I care about, I guess.

And today change smacked me in the face again. I knew it was coming, but (for some stupid reason) didn't anticipate it being this hard.

Being the Young Women's president has been really, really hard for me. Of course, it's a challenge for anyone. But for me, I struggled with feelings of doubt and inadequacy constantly, second-guessing every decision I made, worrying that it was the "wrong" one, worrying that I was letting down the ward.

Right from the get-go I made major changes. Not that the previous president was doing her job wrong-- not in the least! But because, from some counsel our stake received from Elder Bednar back in June, I knew we needed to make our program "youth led"-- they plan, they lead, they execute. And making those changes was hard for us and it was hard for the girls. Although, the girls embraced their new-found leadership opportunities better than I thought they would.

We stressed missionary work, and we shared testimonies. We grew together.

And, yet, I never once felt like I was doing a good job. Adequate, maybe, but not nearly good enough. And honestly, I don't even know what "good enough" really means. In my mind, it means anything better than what I'm already doing.

Then a change in January. Kevin was no longer the bishop leading Ward Council and BYC. I couldn't attend mutual with him anymore, because he was no longer required to go. His new calling took him away from the ward, and I wouldn't see him anymore throughout the day, even for a brief moment. It has been like he disappeared on Sundays. I am just the lady up in the front of the chapel with no husband, the kids with no father.

And as of today, I have no calling. No responsibility. I was released from being the Young Women president, after only seven short months. We all wept as we met during the third hour today. I love my girls-- Alicia, Meredith, Bregan, Sydney, and Amy-- and now I have lost my weekly connection with them. I knew it was coming, though. It needed to happen.

And now I feel... completely unneeded.

There, I said it. Unneeded. No place to serve, no place to go. Feeling like no one knows me and like I don't "belong."

I watched the new presidency come together and smile and laugh after church, and I hung my head and my eyes filled with tears. What a wonderful friendship they will develop. Stefani stayed with them, and I will miss her. Cathy was called in the Relief Society as the secretary. Dear friends called off to new, great work.

And here I stand.

I just picture myself out on a plain-- a muted-brown, barren plain. Alone. Looking around for something, someone that needs me. And finding none.

And then... Over the horizon come four people. Four people that do need me. They giggle and run to me, throwing their little arms around me, smothering my face with their kisses.The oldest puts her head on my shoulder, the next wraps her arms around my waist, and the two younger ones grab my legs. And I weep... "Are you okay, Mom?" "We love you, Mom." "Mom, you are beautiful."

How I love my children.

Oh, "change"... It is just hard. And I only know I have much more of this to endure throughout my life. But, as for right now, at this very moment, I don't know how much more my fragile heart can take. All I can do is pray, really.

And I can focus on those little ones clinging to me in that open field. More than anyone else on this earth they need me.

They. Need. Me.

They need me to take them to church, to help them with their talks, to work with them through Faith in God (and soon, Personal Progress), to read the scriptures with them, to teach them what the gospel means for them. They need me to keep our home a safe place-- where they can find refuge from the world. I must provide consistency when change abounds all around them. And in that sense, I am their rock.

If I am not mistaken, I can't think of a greater responsibility.

For the first time today, actually, I am feeling some glimmer of hope-- like just maybe there really is an important place for me, for which there is no quick replacement.

Maybe I could even come to like change...

... Nah.

Sunday Ramblings

So. Kevin left for the Sebring this chilly morning. It's a two-hour drive southwest of here-- pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I know this because the kids and I went and visited the members there three weeks ago.

And, yes, it has been chilly today, for Floridians. Within the past three Sundays I have had to wear tights and boots to church twice! I NEVER wear tights. But when it's cloudy, windy, and in the 40's, you do what you have to do to stay warm. Sami was whining this morning about her clothes not matching. I said, "Hey, it's Florida... Nobody has matching winter Sunday clothes. You throw on what you have, and nobody's gonna judge!"

So, anyway, Kevin visited the Sebring ward at 10:00, and then stayed to visit the Lake Placid branch at 1:00, which means they should be finishing up their Sacrament Meeting right about now. From there he will drive to Vero Beach to take care of some interviews there, and he probably won't be home till the kids are getting ready for bed.

Since it's Fast Sunday, I just pray he will be all right traveling without sustenance. But the Lord will bless him... I'm sure he will be fine.

I'm wondering what is going to happen with my own calling now as Young Women President. I have only had this calling since July, but Kevin told be it is very likely that I will be released. I think the Lord is carrying some of my weight right now. I thought I would feel more burdened, and some ward members have expressed their concern for me, but I'm doing okay. I'm actually doing a bit better mentally than I was when Kevin was the bishop. In thinking through the demands of our callings, from a logical standpoint, then, yes, this is too much for our family. But through Divine intervention, I think, I am actually still sane!

I mentioned to Allie this morning on our drive to church of the likelihood of me being released before she turns twelve in March and joins the Young Women. She sank down in her seat and hung her head. She nodded when I asked if that made her sad. "I really wanted you to go to camp with me..."

I'm glad she not only loves me, but still wants me around! (Of course, when we walk to school, she makes it a point to walk ten feet behind me.)

But I do realize how much the kids need their mom around, especially with Dad being gone.

On the upside, though, he no longer has to go to mutual on Wednesdays! This past week was the first time he hasn't had to go in well-over ten years! It was a little lonely for me driving over to the church alone, but I was sure able to get home faster! When 8:15 hit, I picked up my stuff... and just... left. Woah...

I have really enjoyed my time with the young women, in spite of my many inadequacies. They have been good to me-- very forgiving of my weaknesses. Their faith has strengthened mine.