Sunday, May 27, 2018
It's been such a long while since i posted anything here.
mainly because i'm busy and packed with work and colleagues and stuff.
6 day work week is no joke, i barely have time for myself, let alone people around me.
i would appreciate so much if you could give me some attention, when i'm available.
like, you can do anything outside of my busy schedule, it's fine.
but, you do know that i only get to "rest" one day every week.
yet, it was so difficult to ask some time from you.
all the promises you made from the start, do you know it has been 7 years?
7 years since we were together.
you tell me you will not let me be sad.
you told me for every time you upset me, you will make me happy for 99 times?
yup, sure it sounded dumb. but i chose to believe.
to keep believing that you will grow, you will change.
but some times, really, i'm tired.
tired of waiting for you to grow, for changes to happen.
remember 2 years back?
when i pushed you to get a BTO with me?
i had to push so hard, like it was so difficult.
like it did not occur to you at all that we need to move forward.
i asked; what's your plan?
i asked time and again, i hope you could excel in your career.
i wanted financial stability. yes, you have a job, but you could do so much more.
so why do you stop at where you are comfortable.
if you are planning to do that, then why pursue a degree?
why pursue for IT courses certification?
when you had no plans to make use of them.
all a waste of money? and time?
i can't help but think some times that, maybe i'm not your forever person.
i'm not giving you the motivation to move ahead.
i'm tired of been alone all the time.
alone and ahead. i keep waiting.
how long can i wait.
you said plan for our perfect wedding 3 weeks ago.
and then? all these words just meant nothing when you keep telling me you have other commitments.
there are times i wished i have enough self love to leave you.
because everyone tells me i'm worthy of someone more.
===========
episode after episodes at work
never-ending politics at work.
since when did having teamwork such a difficult task.
as a CM, you have close to zero leadership.
yes you can do everythng on your own, but you don't need to.
that's what all your subordinates are for.
delegate the jobs accordingly, know their strengths and make them work miracles.
i could say we have similarities, i know you get away with things using that smile of yours.
same to me, i could get away with a lot of things.
yet, there are times i felt i needed to take the responsibility.
it reflects on yourself, it reflects on how others will see you.
role model? or someone you never want to be?
wow, then you stopped all the information from floating around.
so, we do what we felt like it's needed, and what we don't, we need not know?
okay. that's fine too.
with the lost of a great leader, leaves me in no position to stay in this situation.
i tend to learn from people around me, i'd rather find someone else.
seems like we will all be going our separate ways soon.
and it feels like i'm being an asshole not listening to people around me.
if i'm gonna feel all these thorns on me, i'd rather not say a thing more.
i'm tired. i know my problem, but what's wrong?
i'll never satisfy everyone, i already know that.
i'm indecisive yes, and you mocking me will not help.
being emotional is not what i wish for.
but times have been so bad that i can get anxiety over anything.
it has been so tensed up these few weeks.
i cant control my emotions, or barely.
i can be smiling one second and the next, bawling my eyes out.
over the slightest issues.
anytime i felt like i wasn't respected, i wasn't wanted.
in so much pain, i might even think i have depression.
doubt it. i'm too happy to have it, right?
at times like this, i wished my boyfriend was there for me.
but nope, i'll never be taken seriously.
moving on to a new job soon, i hope?
let's see how it goes.
=============
the distance will only grow further.
it is the best for us all.
you have your life, i have mine.
i keep telling myself to lock my heart.
but it always don't happen.
~matters of the heart, unresolved~
Innocence
2:56 PM
Sunday, January 29, 2017
once again, i'm back here again.
why?
it's so heartbreaking to know a long running relationship could be triggered to break off by such a minute matter.
it could be handled better, i couldn't agree more with my cousin.
they had an age gap, no one thought it would work out from the start.
but they did, and they went strong and for very long.
it was a relationship to be envious of.
i wouldn't blame K for being this way.
it was a difficult time for him already.
E could be more understanding at a time like this.
being understanding is not a one way thing.
on the other hand, not every one is like me.
able to take in all the shit and still be nice.
both of them are living "well" without each other on social media.
really, i don't know in fact, if they are well.
Every year during new year for these 2-3 years, the shattered relationships around me.
doesn't give me good vibes.
i don't feel secure anymore.
next could be me, i don't know.
-------------------------------------
seems like you are going to her house for gathering.
good for you.
it's not just me. everyone is asking, why am i not worried?
well, in fact, i am, very.
all the subtle hints and signs of betrayal.
i know how it works.
i know how to think in her view.
but i just don't know how you are handling it.
maybe i'm just running away from things that will hurt me and not think about it.
it's fine.
i'll be fine.
we are so close.
so close to binding together.
i choose to believe, i choose to trust.
because it's a lot easier than thinking and thinking.
--------------------------------------
hey, i miss bball-ing.
i missed the times where everything was simple.
where love is love and hate is hate.
there is no need to hide anything.
cry with all your might.
shout with all your voice.
i'm missing the souls that made me fall in love..
yes, i'm shamelessly thinking about my ex and crush.
missing the times where smiles were part of my life more than anything.
looking forward to everyday, to just get a glimpse of them.
there's so many things that kept running in my mind.
the same images of the past.
and how i could have done a better job handling.
which may have led to what is of me now.
---------------------------------------
work has been draining.
splitting myself between site work and tender.
got called back to HQ for tender project.
it's a good time to learn, but i really don't have sufficient time to do both at the same time.
i'm trying, procrastinating, but trying.
i'm tired. i'm drained.
i'm not going to spend extra time thinking about things that could be or would be.
i don't want to know anymore.
----------------------------------------
my wish, is to run away alone someday.
solo trip out there.
and think with all my might.
break my heart time and time again.
cry and cry again, until i find no more reason.
until a time where i find peace in myself.
and not like what i am now, working to drain myself so that my thoughts are controlled.
be strong girl.
keep your mask on.
step by step.
you move a little further each day.
and one day.
you will throw away everything.
and start anew.
~你不知道的事/愛要怎麼說出口~
Innocence
1:52 PM
Sunday, October 16, 2016
我想要的幸福是你能够给我的承诺
你能做到对我和对你自己的承诺
其实一点都不踏实
蒙蒙懂懂的不停往前
对于感情，爱情，不再有期盼
梦想，幻想，都只是想罢了
我已经不知道自己爱不爱你
只知道你就像是家人一般
对于一个不懂爱情的你
我又能奢求什么呢
反正错有错着，对错都不重要了
快点走完这段人生
太多不必要的情感
也会跟着消失
等着哪一天
我有勇气，告诉你
告诉你我什么都不要了
仪式罢了
不想让别人看着我
不需要承诺
也许对我们都好吧
都只是纸上谈兵
说说罢了
根本不会实现的
我看够了
其实你不敢给我承诺
因为你知道你做不到
开了张空头支票
又能如何呢
我也曾经梦想过
豪华的餐厅
抒情的音乐
橙红色的灯光
你握着我的手
告诉我你对我的承诺
说着我们的以后
结尾就是你从口袋里拿出你早已准备好的戒指
曾经希望早点结婚
早点生孩子
不想有太多的距离感
现在的我，放弃了
因为时间点过了
希望都绝望了
现在的我，想全力投入工作
只想在事业上冲刺
用工作麻醉自己
让自己学着，不要对生命有期待
不要对爱情有期待
反正都不会真正的快乐
我也偶尔希望你能留在我身边
等我睡着了才离开
偶尔也希望你能来公司接我
偶尔也能给我些惊喜
但这些偶尔
从来就不会实现
我早就该了解的
却不停的等着
不想爱了
我累了
就这样吧
日子还是可以过
快乐不快乐
只要做好自己的本分就够了
拿房子
注册结婚
结婚
生子
老了
病了
死了
快，快结束吧
不是不珍惜生命
只是。。。
Innocence
12:39 PM
Friday, August 05, 2016
And it all begins, just like where we started.
Just colleagues we say.
But it didn't stayed that way.
We were moving forward.
I finally felt secure.
I let down my guard.
I let you in.
And all these started.
You crushed all the security.
All at once.
It was so minor. I wouldn't think much.
But that was how I was.
It must be my bad karma coming back.
I know I think too much.
But I could see where this is going.
And I don't like it.
I guess this world is still not safe enough.
Not safe for my heart to roam.
Sorry. I have to seal up my heart once again.
My shattered heart.
I don't want to be hurt.
Not anymore.
Were you sincere?
Was that all a dream?
Did I woke up and make it all disappear?
If you want to be free. Then be it.
I won't stop you.
I won't even look u in the eye anymore.
Seal it up girl.
Seal it up like always.
You will do fine.
In life and in relationships.
Just a little more.
Only time will show.
------------------
Life's a mess, work's a mess.
When you know what you trust.
Doesn't reflect the truth.
Hidden behind so much lies.
I felt so betrayed.
As usual.
What's new?
To know that what you have been defending all these times.
Were all for nothing.
Unappreciated.
All the things that you shared saying we were close.
To find out it was all lies.
Lies to raise your own ego.
I've seen enough.
----------------------
All I ever wanted was a simple life.
When I don't have to think who to trust.
And just trust everything.
When did the world became filled with lies.
Did we complicate the world?
Or has the materialism tainted our souls?
I'm missing the times where we were young and nothing really mattered.
~幸福简单, 不简单~
Innocence
10:46 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
i have no intention to ask you to quit gundam..
i know you love your collection..
i know you won't give them up..
so once in a while when i nag at you..
i just felt like disturbing you..
and partly to help you keep your expenses in control..
when i see random gundam display/events..
i'll tell you.
so tell me... which anime do i love..
what do they do?
when i first knew you..
you were so receptive of anime i intro, K-on..
and then? it only lasted so far.
no more.. like you were not interested in the animes i watched.
that's fine, i don't blame you..
maybe its not your genre..
then explain why was K-on ok?
was it because we weren't together that time?
when i try to intro new animes to you, you switch off.
(see your phone, look at stuff on my table etc.)
that's where i felt like there is no point on introducing you more.
i switched off.
you said you wanted to take up photography..
i said no, because you had school fees to handle..
yourself to feed, and going out with me.
(though usually our expenses don't even exceed $100)
you went ahead and got your camera anyway.
oh well, maybe you really like photography..
maybe you can help me do shoots even! (awesome uh?)
and when i asked why you wanna learn photography..
you told me, because you wanna take photos of....
gundams, figurines, landscape.
WOW, no human in it. at all.
how do you want me to ask you to do photoshoots for me?
nah, i rather not trouble you and make you do things you don't like.
it's ok, i have friends who are willing to do shoots with me.
maybe i expected too much out of you.
maybe i'll be happier to expect nothing at all.
let me just bring this out anyway.
i have friends staying over at their partner's house.
not that i will like the idea alot, but once in awhile, no harm right?
and when i heard you and your bro were getting a double deck bed..
i was kinda disappointed.
(not that i wanted your grandma dead or what)
but you also said, if she passed on, you can have your own room.
but nope. you and your bro decided "bros for life!"
and stick on and on.
i never once asked you to join my jc outings.
because i know what my jc people are like..
after they see/interact with you..
i will hear words pricking like pins and needles all over the place.
i don't blame them, i'm just easily influenced.
and i don't want to hear all that.
so i just didn't let you join us.
you don't seem to enjoy outings besides with roku baka gang anyway.
like awkward, and just sitting there waiting for dinner to be over..
popping in some comments in between.
i'm drifting away. i won't deny.
there's no plans.
i'm tired of waiting.
maybe you like it this way..
getting used to each others' presence.
when i asked, "when you wanna get married"
you replied me in less than a minute..
you said, "this year propose, next year married"
if we ought to move out, we need to get a house.
if we ought to get married, aren't we suppose to be planning?
unless you want us to just get the piece of paper and go back to our lives.
honestly speaking, i'm not afraid about money issues.
i know we have enough CPF to back us up.
but what are your plans?
i've tried, i keep asking and i don't see a future in us.
i'm staying because you did nothing wrong.
if i left, i would be labelled as heartless.
yes, i care about how others see me.
it is important to me.
anyway, it's okay, i can wait.
like how i've waited all these while.
it doesn't make a diff, a year or two or ten.
i'll focus on my career then.
if you want to, you can stay.
but if you find someone else.
i wouldn't stop you either.
i'm tired of living in doubts.
living in insecurities.
living in promises that won't get fulfilled.
it's okay now.
i control my life and you can take charge of yours.
you will make a good family member.
i can get used to you though.
family for the sake of being family.
Innocence
12:28 AM
