For now..

I have been avoiding, dodging, and hiding the past two weeks. Avoiding phone calls from my doctors office, dodging conversations with family, and hiding from friends and co-workers that want to ask and talk about my medical situation. I know they mean well all of them but right now I want to keep to myself.

I do this thing were I think that if I avoid something or bury it for so long it will just disappear...it doesn't. you would think after doing this over and over I would learn that is doesn't just disappear rather it gets worse, nope apparently I'm not that smart.

After my last doctors visit I came home and briefly discussed things with Kyle. By that I mean I told him what the doctor had said we both really didn't want to deal with it, we talked about our options kinda-sorta agreed on one but in the back of both of our minds we just didn't want to deal with it and we both new that the decision we had just made wasn't going to last. And we went on with the rest of our day. yep, healthy isn't it.

Kyle's birthday was that coming weekend and I really didn't want to ruin it by adding stress to him on making a decision. For his birthday weekend all he wanted to do was spend the weekend out of Sanpete I don't know about any of you who have moved away and then moved back but man Sanpete is B-O-R-I-N-G! Who would have thought, right! We spent a few days in sunny St. George literally relaxing the entire time, it was amazing and just what Kyle needed and wanted. I even tried getting him a present like a gun he could go hunting with but the only thing he would let me get him is the first book to Hunger Games, my only thought..who are you? and what did you do with my husband? The entire eight years I have known Kyle I have never seen or talked to him about reading a book.

We had an amazing time and I didn't want to ruin that with talking about how occupied my mind is all day and every day with this whole infertility, endometriosis thing, oh and the doctor freaking me out telling me my disease is slowly killing me!

We got home and that entire week I was again dodging, hiding and burring it all...I would get phone calls and voice mails personally from my doctor, text messages with little sayings or people wondering how I was doing, even my boss pulled me into our office and sat me down and had a talk since then he has even called and texts to make sure I am OK and alive...I am so very grateful for the people in my life from family, friends and even the people I work with.

For weeks all I have thought about is that I need to make a decision, I need to make a decision and stay with it. Every option I have though isn't easy and costs a lot of money which makes it even more hard and stressful.

Option 1. hysterectomy, adoption
option 2. invetro
option 3. surrogate mother
option 4. hysterectomy, freeze my eggs, surrogate mother

These options all cost more than 10,000.00. We don't and won't have that much money for a LOONNGG time and I don't have a long time!

Can you say stressful!

Finally I broke down and had to talk with kyle I can't make this decision on my own and I can't handle this on my own. Lets just say it was a long night with talking, frustration, anger, crying and finally we came to a agreement.

We feel like that the one thing we haven't tried is the invetro (IVF) procedure and if we stopped and just went ahead and did the hysterectomy the rest of our lives we would feel like there would always be that "what if", we would always wonder if that was the one thing that would have given us our baby. I also feel like even if its a risk with my health I need to do this, I need to do this for Kyle I owe him this. (No he doesn't feel the same way he doesn't tell me that I owe him its just how I feel) He has done so much for me through all of this and I can't with only one last thing to try give up and not try it, I need to do this I really do. How we are going to afford it I have no clue but I feel like if its what we are supposed to do and its our answer the Lord will direct us in finding a way to get a baby, even if its showing us that we aren't going to be able get a baby through IVF.

I'm nervous and scared. I am nervous that even before we can try it they will just turn us away, I am nervous for the treatments they can be very hard on your body and I am nervous on how my body is going to react. I am scared that after all of this its not going to work or that I am going to get pregnant and have a miscarriage.

So our next step is to wait for our apointments with a few different IVF specialists to see what they think until then I am just a big ball of nerves and stress.

Personal & Hard

This is a very personal sensitive subject and I need to write about it. I can't hold it in anymore, I just need to write.

I have wrote about the disease that I have a lot in this blog but not recently..

The past few months I was getting migraines like crazy and they were horrible! I thought it was stress causing the migraines so my boss made me go to a doctor and he said the same thing I was stressing too much he gave me a shot and some anti-anxiety pills and sent me on my way..A few weeks later I was in the hospital for a week. My body just started shutting down. On the weekend I felt fine until Sunday I woke up with swollen glands my throat killed not like dry or scratchy just hurt and swollen, swollen hands and swollen feet. I was extremely sick my body hurt and I felt like throwing up all day late that night I got light headed and started getting another migraine so like I was told I took the anti-anxiety pill and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and got in the shower still swollen, sore, and just felt awful all the sudden my hands and arms went numb and heavy I couldn't lift them my heart went out of control beating so outrageously fast I couldn't breathe I stepped out of the shower and tried yelling for Kyle he ran in and grabbed me just as I started to pass out he laid me on my right side so my circulation was better and calmed my heart. Kyle wanted to go to the hospital right then but I told him no that I just needed to lay in bed and rest he hesitantly agreed and went to work. Calling me constantly throughout the day. When he got off work we went straight to the doctor as soon as I got there he check my heart looked at me and checked it again looked at me and asked if I had been running a marathon.. he then sent me to be admitted to the hospital as soon as I got in my room which was right down the hall I had three different people already doing tests hooking me up to multiple monitors including a heart monitor. The nurse asked me to change into the hospital gown so I did I got up and went into the bathroom changed and the heart monitor went crazy at the time I had no clue what the beeping was about as soon as I walked out of the bathroom three nurses, the ER doctor and the CEO of the hospital came bursting through the door with shock in there eyes like they were prepared to see me dead or something Kyle and I looked at each other confused the CEO slowly walked up to me and asked me to slowly sit on the bed while the ER doctor was checking me Kyle asked what was wrong and he said my heart beat was past 180 which is dangerous when I layed back down the lowest they could get it was 140 where my resting heart rate should be at 65! I was checked for multiple heart issue which was scary all I could think about was that I am only 25 and my heart is going crazy! every time I would sit up, stand up, or even talk my heart rate would go up.

After all the test came out negative they moved on to other tests about the third day my resting heart rate was at 120 and standing or sitting up it would go up to about 140 so some progress but still no answers they then decided I was bleeding eternally which I was loosing to much blood therefore making my heart over work. So a specialist came down and did a scope they found an old ulcer in my stomach but it was already healing. After surgery that night my blood dropped down to 20 which is low enough for a blood transfusion but I didn't want one they scare me..my blood should be at 40-45 meaning it wasn't the ulcer I was loosing blood from I'm sure it was some of it but not enough.

Two days later I was released they still didn't have any answers just guesses and I didn't want to be there anymore! For a week I didn't get any sleep heart monitors and an IV are annoying and very difficult to sleep with, drawing my blood every three hours around the clock for five days mean painful and extremely sore arms, and not being able to eat anything except chicken broth and juice for five days wasn't to great either!

I have been put on multiple medicine one being an iron pill to get my blood higher, it was working the first two weeks out of the hospital I had to go part time at work and have to take things easy which isn't an easy thing for me I have to get my blood checked once a week as well and it was going higher point by point and then... I started to get sleepy after doing little things and I woke up swollen and sore and sick all over again I shrugged it off and thought I am still recovering and then another week past and again woke up sick, swollen and sore and just felt awful later that day my chest started to get tight and my left arm went dead and my heart kept doing this thing like it was either missing a few beats or it was beating really fast and then one hard big beat and each time it would take my breath away. SO I decided to go back to the doctor this entire time this has all happened I have had the feeling it had to do with my endometriosis and finally I went in and got my blood drawn and it was low again...I was frustrated and upset the doctor came in and I just blurted out I think it has something to do with my endometriosis and he looked at me and said I think so to and we need to have a serious discussion about what is going on.

My doctor isn't very good at bedside manners he is blunt and to the point. He looked at me and said Lindy I have talked with your specialist and we feel this endometriosis is causing some serious issues with your health and frankly these issues are going to get worse to the point where it will be serious enough it will kill you..your only 25 and we can't keep enough blood in your body and your having serious heart issues and you need to get a hysterectomy as soon as you can because even with removing your uterus which is the source of your endometriosis it will still be in your body and we still won't be able to remove all of it and we are scared that it will or has caused some health problems that aren't reversible. Frankly this disease is slowly killing you...Uh what the hell do I say to that!? I know my endometriosis was serious and I know that in cases it can cause some serious issues, did I think it would have done that to me? Not really I mean if I didn't keep up on it and never did anything about it but I have done everything possible including a surgery a year. For it to still be getting worse and this bad this fast, no I didn't think it would be something that could freakin kill me and no I didn't ever think I would be in a doctors office being told that a disease was slowly killing me! I think my heart had completely stopped at that point. I was numb, I just kept listening to him answered a few questions and after left and just sat in my car for a few minutes before I realized I needed to start my car and drive home.

I was upset but I understand I really do I just feel like I have had faith even after everything we have gone through to try and get our own child but I still had faith that I would still get my own child and if I do this surgery it will show that I have lost faith. Every time we get close to doing invetro or finding a way to pay for invetro and adoption something comes up like this time, the week I was in the hospital I actually had an appointment with an invetro specialist.

I am frustrated and don't feel good I can't have fun and walk around a lot or have fun with my husband or nieces and nephew with out my heart going crazy and getting sick. It makes me mad! I am trying to stay strong my family has gone and is going through enough and I have put Kyle through enough the past 5 years its not fair to him that he doesn't get a child of his own because of me its not fair that he has had to work so hard to pay for many, many hospital and doctor bills.

Honestly, I feel like if I stay strong and don't show any emotion that everyone will take it as she is OK so we can be OK and not worry about it. So far its worked, I just don't know how long I can keep doing it. I have pictured, dreamed, and had faith that at the end of this long hard trial it would end like a fairy tale with a baby of our own, us holding our angel at the hospital looking back at the hell we had been through but it all being worth it because we finally had our baby.

And now that won't ever happen.

I have been horrible about blogging. I'm not crazy busy it's just when I get home from work I just want to cuddle up with Kyle on the couch and watch a movie, does that happen? No its doesn't because talk about someone who is crazy busy. So I grab a blanket and cuddle up with myself on the couch.

There has been so much that has gone on in the last few months and I decided to finally blog about it, so here is a little update on the Christiansen's

Kyle, like I said earlier is super busy. I mean he just doesn't stop at all. You would think that after a while he would just burn out and I tell him all.the.time your gonna burn out! (gonna, I have only been in Sanpete for a few months and I talk like I never left) but he never does. Kyle was promoted to program manager as of....December..I really don't know when the actual day was that he was promoted only because Kyle pretty much like 99.9% of the time ran the program anyways so to me he has been program manager for a while. He is also on sight manager at our independent program in Ephraim. I can't begin to tell you how amazing Kyle is with these boys, he seriously has a gift. On top of running two programs which consists of a lot of work Kyle will be starting school again this summer to finish up his fire science degree. Kyle always makes time to go work out, play basketball three times a week, spend a little extra time with the boys and squeezes in time to take care of and spend time with me and our families. Not trying to "Toot" my horn but what the hell "Toot, Toot!" my man is amazing!

Me, well I am still working at the boys home as well I love my job, seriously I do, I have especially loved getting to know all 36 boys. Its crazy to know and think about what these boys have gone through and the families they come from and they are only 14-18 years old. It makes me that more grateful for the family I come from and the family Kyle came from. I have finally started to take some photography and photoshop classes at Snow College, its been fun and a huge stress reliever!

We are now living in Ephraim, its crazy because so much has changed but at the same time so much is the same. It has been up and down with emotions on being back here in sanpete especially in Ephraim but I have been keeping to myself and I want it to stay that way. We are living on sight at the independent home with the four boys here we have our own cute little apartment and the boys have there's but its been fun so far watching and teaching them how to actually be "independent" they are doing pretty well so far and I hope they continue to do so. When all the apartments are full we will have a total of 12 boys, well 13 counting our proctor child.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention our proctor child Mateo, he is 15 and we love him to death. Kyle and I became really close with Mateo these past few months and Mateo actually approached us and asked if we would be interested in proctoring him. Of course we prayed, fasted and had multiple conversations about it and we decided that we would love it if he came and lived with us. Its funny because every time we are in the middle of getting ready to do adoption another opportunity like this comes, why? I haven't figured that out yet! So, Mateo for a couple of years is going to be apart of our little family and no matter how old he is I guess we are getting our opportunity to be parents, in a complete different way than we thought and a lot older than we thought but hey we love him and we can provide the stable home and second chance he needs so why not!

Honestly right now we are just happy and doing our thing and I couldn't ask for anything more.  I am happy just working, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and being a mom the one thing I have wanted for the longest time, of course we are still trying for a little one. We are just doing things a little backwards have a teenager and then a baby! Which we know that being first time parents and to a teenager is going to be an adventure so....LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN!

The last time I blogged I said I was going to go private which I am it just hasn't happened....I promise it will, just not yet. Until then here is the last 6 months!

This beautiful little girl,

Tayen Devri Butterfield
was born on April 4, 2011

First time taking new born pictures, I think they turned out pretty cute. Tayen was wide awake the whole time but those big beautiful eyes made the pictures even better! 

This is Kade and Meggan's 2nd little girl and of course she is as beautiful as Dejanae! And just like Deja her hair started out dark and we thought maybe Tayen would be the one that took after Kade and stay dark but sure enough she ended up with blonde hair and blue eyes just like her older sister...

She is now 7 almost 8 months old and cute as ever and getting even more cute!

I am so lucky to be so close with my nieces, I love them very much!

About a few weeks after Tayen was born I did a little photo shoot with the very photogenic Butterfield family.

Even though both little girls were a little cranky by the end I had a lot of fun and I think they turned out pretty good! I always have fun taking the Butterfield's family pictures, they make it so easy!

Man I love them all <3

My next post will be about a fun Florida trip and a very handsome little boys 3rd birthday...

GOING PRIVATE!

Its been quite a long time since I last posted, but we have been pretty busy and I have a lot to post about! But before I do I decided I needed to go private. I know we don't have our own children (yet!) but I post a lot about family and 98% of my pictures are of my cute nieces and nephew!

So, we are going private, leave your email addresses! If I don't know you that well or if you know kyle or one of my family members  more than me and you have been following don't be shy to leave you email address and I will add you!

I will change to private in a week or so! Hope ya'll have had an amazing summer!

I wake up in the morning, as I'm getting ready I sit and listen...

He sits in his crib, talking his baby gibberish, happy as can be.  His mom walks in with a big happy hello like she hasn't seen him in days when its really only been a few hours.  He squeals with happiness.  I can see both of there smiles.  She gets his bath ready. As he splashes the water, she makes him laugh and talks to him in a sweet soft voice, asking him if he had good dreams and telling him how much she loves him.

I then leave for work.

I come home to an empty quiet apartment, put my keys on the counter hang my purse up, kick off my shoes and lay on the couch.

 I lay and listen...

They are now in the living room right above me.  The baby boy on the floor, the mother sitting next to him. He is such a happy boy squealing and playing with his toys. She starts singing fun little songs that makes him laugh and squeal some more. Making funny noises, bouncing up and down, playing peek-a-boo just to hear that squeal and little laugh.

I imagine its me and my son as I drift off to sleep.

I sit and watch mothers and there babies everywhere.  I imagine myself at the mall with my baby getting the cutest clothes, I imagine myself and Kyle at a restaurant eating out as a family. I read on blogs about the fun day a mom had with her child and even a bad day they had. I even read facebook comments on how much they are grateful for their children or how their child has learned this or done that for the first time or even how the mother didn't get any sleep the night before, I go through pictures and see how in love that child and mother are. I envy them.

I envy everything about being a mother, the fun, the good and even the bad days. And all I can do is listen and watch.

All I can do is keep telling myself, one day.

Its a new month.

 I am hoping and praying everything starts to turn around for the good. And I can get out of this rut.

 I am still trying to figure out a few things, no scratch that I am trying to figure out a lot of things in my life right now. I think I am ok with that?...I'm ok with that today, ask me tomorrow and I might feel different.
I have to take things day by day.

I went back to the doctors, one because I had some kind of weird allergic reactions and broke out into horrible hives that started just around my incisions and then spread like wild fire. It itched and hurt but mostly drove me crazy! second we had to talk about our options and what went on during surgery & of course about the cancer cells they found.

The hives well the doctor was stumped he had no clue where it was coming from, so I got a prescription for a antibiotic, yay more meds!

The surgery went well like I had talked about in the previous post but we needed to talk about the cancer, I was a little nervous I had no clue what was going to be said or if I was going to have to do radiation, But Dr. B said he is pretty positive that he got it all and that I won't be doing any radiation treatments, Thank goodness! but they do want to keep a close eye on me since I only have one ovary left he doesn't want anything happening to it with cancer or endometriosis.

We also discussed our options again about trying to get pregnant. This is where I get really frustrated. He said we could try everything that we have already done in the past or just try on our own.  The thing that frustrates me the most about this is I am there paying so much money to try and figure this all out but nothing has worked and once again I have to hear Dr. B tell me that they can't help me anymore with trying to get pregnant that even this last time after the surgery him and the board of doctors sat down to look at there difficult cases they had to see if any of them could come up with some new ideas on how to help and they were all just stumped on mine. Once again Dr. B told me the only thing they can do to help me is to try and keep up with the endometriosis and make sure I don't have any more scares with cancer, other than that I can keep trying on our own or re-try all the treatments we have already done.

Feeling like we are at square one all over again 4 years in a row is the hardest thing for me.

I don't know where to go from here, I don't have any answers, I'm out of options.

So, Kyle and I talked about it. well I sobbed and he tried comforting me. After I was done sobbing and Kyle's shirt was soaking wet from me crying on him we decided for now the best for us is to try on our own and at the same time finally complete the adoption paperwork and get that going. So once again if you know of anyone that is expecting & knows its just not there time to keep that child let us know or if you know or have any suggestions about adoption or anything that might help with us getting pregnant let us know. It will be deeply appreciated!  We are looking into a few different things right now, but we would love your prayers, support and any suggestions!

Other than all of that mess, I am getting ready to take Baby B's new born pictures for Kade and Meggan I have a few ideas and keep coming up with more. I just hope they work out the way I see them in my head! I am excited but a little nervous it will be the very fist time I do newborn pictures! Its gonna be a adventure! Now all we have to do is wait patiently for Baby B to come, one more month!