First day back on the pavement

I went to the hematologist yesterday and got my hemoglobin count - praise the Lord, it was 11.3!  Almost in the normal range!  Which means I was cleared to run.  So I decided to take it easy this morning and I ran a mile.  It felt pretty good.  I had a hard time breathing, but then, I am pretty out of shape.  No dizziness.  But the best thing of all is that I RAN A HILL WITHOUT STOPPING!!!  It feels like a miracle.  The last time I ran that same hill, I had to stop after about 25 yards and walk it.  I felt like I was going to pass out and die right there on the road.  And I came back home and crashed on the couch and slept for 30 min before I could even take a shower.  And then I crashed on the couch again and slept/watched 19 Kids and Counting all day.  So you see why I am so happy!  I'm on my way back!!!

I'm having a really hard time...

…not decorating the house for Christmas.  I feel like Target!  Too soon!  Give Thanksgiving its fair share in the season!  And Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I am usually defensive on its behalf.  But Thanksgiving will be kind of anticlimactic this year because we aren't going to New Harmony for the traditional big family reunion weekend.  I will miss that so much!  Plus who the heck will I cook for?  My kids would rather eat pizza.  Chad's lucky I invited the Sister missionaries.  At least 3 people will enjoy the turkey!
Anyway, I don't know if it is just that Meg will be coming home so early in December and has requested that we have the house all decorated and magical.  Or that we will be hosting a bunch of Christmas parties and I'm already feeling stress (I've been thinking about those parties for a month now).  Or that I am so filled with anticipation for having the whole family together again, AND with Adam stable!  I guess that last one is probably it.  Christmas just isn't the same without Meg.  She brings the music into the whole holiday, and organizes a beautiful Christmas Eve FHE - last year, without her, was kind of pathetic.  Of course it didn't help that Adam was in a REALLY BAD place and there was so much tension in the house (Sorry, Mike and Dawn, that you had to experience that! Wish you could be here this year!).  No matter how high my expectations are, this year can't help but be an improvement!
Also I am excited to decorate my new house for the holiday.  We'll have two Christmas trees, and I am totally changing the style of one of them, we're going more rustic to match my kitchen and family room.  I think it will be beautiful.
And, confession time.  Sophie and I have been singing Christmas carols in the car.  We are working on harmonies.  Is that so wrong?  :)
Counting the days!

Weird weight loss

My hemoglobin count is stubbornly staying under 9, in spite of two iron infusions (however, the doctor was encouraged that my red blood cells weren't as "shriveled" as they had been…"they're starting to plump up").  But the doctor says it will take time so I just have to be patient.  But here's the weird thing.  

In spite of the cells plumping up, I am losing weight!  I'm not trying.  But I am down 4 lbs in the past couple of weeks.  126 - haven't weighed that since about 5 months after my wedding.  The nurse asked me what I was doing to lose weight (I have to weigh in every time I go) and I just had to shrug.  The only thing I can figure is that I am getting more energy back and so I am moving around more and eating less??  Anyway, I feel like I am getting plenty to eat, so that isn't the problem.  I don't know.  But if this keeps up, I'm going to have to go clothes shopping again…(eye roll)…oh bummer!

I don't care if I have to have iron infusions once a month for the rest of my life, the bypass surgery and the results of it are SO WORTH IT! I'm living a dream.  I spent my entire life gaining, losing, gaining, losing, gaining, gaining, gaining.  I hated the scale with a passion.  Everywhere I went, I felt like people were looking and talking behind my back.  Like I didn't measure up.  Like I wanted to hide.  The insecurity and lack of self esteem were sometimes overwhelming.  Wow, it is miraculous to not feel that way anymore (well, mostly.  sometimes I go back there without thinking)!  I still have depression and sadness sometimes, and worry almost constantly over the dang kids, but I don't eat it away like I used to.  I can't.  I feel like garbage if I do!  But I don't miss it at all.  I really don't.  

This morning I woke up wanting to get out and at least walk.  THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SIGN!  So I think I'll head out for a little while.  :)

  

First iron infusion

Well, due to insurance stuff, I didn't get my first infusion until yesterday.  It was a weird experience.  I was the youngest one there, and most of the other people were there getting infusions of chemotherapy.  It was sad.  I just kept thinking, this could be so much worse!  And I wondered what kind of cancer they all had.  I hope I will never have to go to one of those infusion labs for any other reason than iron. So I sat there for 1 1/2 hrs with a needle in my arm and felt that pleasant cold tingle of fluid flowing into my veins.  I've about had it with needles, I'm telling you.  Next time I go in (next week), I will only have to stay for 30 min.  But they had to do a loading dose this time and then observe me for adverse reactions for awhile.  I felt dizzy but I think that had to do with the needles.
No magical rush of energy.  In fact, there was no difference at all.  But this morning!  I am happier, and more excited for the day.  I slept like a slug.  I don't know what my hemoglobin level is today but it must be higher because I'm feeling better.  And I cannot even begin to tell you how happy that makes me!  I'm still not allowed to do much for another two weeks, but if this gets me off the couch and feeling more upbeat, then I can wait for the rest.
And the ablation went well, the recovery was not hard and didn't require a lot of pain meds at all.  I am just excited to not have periods anymore!  I'll save some money on feminine supplies, that's for sure!
As I do more and more research, and talk to the hematologist more, I am realizing just how serious this has been for me.  Normal hemoglobin levels for women range from 12 to 18.  For the past month, since we tested for it the first time, my level has bounced between 8.3 and 8.9.  If you hit 8.0, they hospitalize you and do a blood transfusion, no questions asked.  The problem is the lack of red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all the organs.  Especially the brain and the heart.  I have been at high risk of heart attack and stroke.  I have worked with 4 different doctors on this problem.  All of them have ordered me to stay down and not do anything to increase my heart rate at all.  Even so, while I was driving on the freeway last week, I very nearly passed out and had to pull off for 30 min to rest.  I have spent most of the past month on the couch, watching "19 Kids and Counting" (say what you want, those Duggars are just good people) and "Say Yes to the Dress".  But trying to hold myself together in spite of zero energy, depression, and insomnia.  I feel for my family. Even a tiny improvement is a big deal for me!
Two weeks.  In two weeks I should be just about back to normal.  Yeah!  Here's hoping for no complications!

And, we finally got Meg's final travel itinerary, she will be arriving home on Dec. 4 at 11:25am at LAX.  I can't believe it is finally here!  So happy, and so excited to have energy again so I can get ready for her.

Dying of anemia, what?

Remember last post when I complained about how painful my runs have gotten?  And how I wasn't sure I was going to be able to run that half marathon I signed up for?  Turns out that I am not the loser that I thought I was.  I'm not out of shape.  I am severely anemic.  I had a full blood test last week and when the results came back, my doctor called me and started quizzing me all about bleeding - when I told him I have really heavy periods, he said, "call your OB/GYN, you need a hysterectomy."  Which scared me to death.  Anyway, after visiting various doctors, I am scheduled for an iron infusion tomorrow and uterine ablation surgery on Friday.  My doctor ordered me to stop running for at least a month.  I can't even run up my stairs.  The low hemoglobin really taxes your heart, and he said that I could pass out at any time.  Worst case scenario, heart attack.  Watch out for that anemia, its a doozy.  I just can't wait for everything to level out.  I want to feel good again.

Still so blessed

Its been awhile, I know.  But I've only had a few things going on to keep me busy so…

This new house is a dream come true.  Honestly.  I know how blessed we are and exactly where all our blessings come from.  We are grateful to our Father in Heaven and try our very hardest to serve Him in every way we can.  We don't know exactly why He has blessed us so much but we are more grateful than words can express.
So anyway, we are super house-poor but its worth it.  It feels so great to own the house we're living in!  It feels so great to be able to make any changes we want and to be able to decorate however we want.  And not have to worry about waiting on some landlord to fix things…if I never rent again, it will be too soon!  (Plus our landlord tried to stick it to us on our deposit, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of and we threatened small claims court because we discovered that they had broken a few laws.  We got most of it back then.  But it is a long story)
Also this house is just so beautiful.  I could not have designed a better floor plan and I love it!  We are putting in the front and side yards right now, and leaving the back for a year from now.  Nobody swims in the winter anyway!  When it all gets finished, I will post some pictures.  If I can take any decent ones.

Adam - wellll, he has had some ups.  I can't say downs, because he has only been a bit manic.  Funny how that bipolar usually shows up as mania now.  I know he did go through a pretty bad depression but for the past 6 months or so, he has been manic.  We had it all under control until we moved, and all that stress tipped him over the edge.  Then we immediately took him up to college…I fully expected him to go manic with all that HUGE change, and he did.  I was a basket case at first, but all the plans that we made before leaving worked and we got him all stabilized long distance.  He is doing great now.  Except that the increased meds make him so sleepy in the mornings…he has missed some classes and exams…I check his email now and again, because I am a stalker-mom, and I saw that he had written emails to his teachers telling them about the bipolar and meds and asking if he could make up the exams.  He even got a letter from his doctor to show the teachers.  He hadn't told me about any of that and I was pretty upset because I figured it was just a typical college student, staying up too late and sleeping in.  I knew I needed to talk to him about it, maybe even get after him about it, but I have to admit that I was pretty impressed that he had taken care of it all on his own and his letters to his teachers were very well-written.  Anyway, I decided to pray about how to handle it and waited for a few hours for the answer to come.  I felt prompted to just ask him about side effects and how his meds were working, and hope he would take the chance to tell me all about it.  I did not approach him in anger.  It was super effective, and he told me about all of it on his own, and I praised him for the way he handled it and we had one of the best conversations that we've had in a very long time!  I was so grateful for the Lord's guidance in the way to approach him!  But the results are, now I am back to waking him up every morning, long distance.  Criminy.  If it wasn't a med thing, I would be mad about it because he is a big boy now.  But he can't really control it so here I go.  I suspect that I will be playing the mommy role in Adam's life for a very long time.  But its a small thing, and since I'm up already, not a big deal.  Plus, it allows me to keep in touch with him more than I was before…we actually went days without communicating at all (I was trying to give him some space).  I have to say that I have actually done better than I thought I would.  So some big blessings there!  I realize that since I am the one person in Adam's life who knows him and can recognize in minutes if he is having a bipolar episode, and I am not with him, he is probably going to go manic a lot without me being able to fix it.  I am having to deal with this.  But frankly, as long as he isn't making life-changing bad choices, I guess he's ok.  I have had to turn it over to the Lord, and while it has tested my faith, I am happy with the results.  Adam is super active in his ward.  He is attending institute, sings in the institute choir, and goes to all the devotionals and firesides.  He has a girlfriend in his ward, and SHE IS A MORMON!  This is a relief, Adam hasn't had very good taste in girls.  He said that I would like her.  And he knows how picky I am.  The girl, as well as all of Adam's roomies, know about his bipolar and are keeping an eye on him.  That worked out better than I expected (even though one of the roommates is gay.  but he is the one who is the most helpful and compassionate so maybe that is meant to be too.  I'm not going to judge)
And man, this house gets quiet.  Sam is going to NPHS now so he is gone most of the day, and Sophie and I are the only ones at home.  We are having a good time.  Sophie is a good homeschooler.  She is a self-starter most of the time and I don't have to nag her much.  She takes pride in her work.  Also I have signed her up for a bunch of enrichment classes so she is getting lots of social too.  She likes it and so do I.
Sam is doing great at public high school.  He is still very socially awkward but he is learning.  He loves seminary and I have never once had to get him up for it.  He is the complete opposite of Adam, and has said that he wants it that way.  He is determined to have perfect attendance at seminary (WHY?).  Anyway, I am proud of him.  He is also super happy with choir.  He even decided to join Men's Chorus which meets at lunch.  I'm excited for him to be part of the choir program.  It is great!
Also, Chad.  That man has amazed me, he is so skilled at just about everything!  He put in our entire entertainment system, including surround sound.  He installed custom closets.  He is currently building our coffee table (we searched all over the place to find one the right size…unsuccessful).  He has had one project after another - and one Saturday a few weeks ago, he just took the day off (first one since we moved).  He said he felt lazy and wanted to accomplish something…so he decided to try his hand at cooking.  Made enchiladas from scratch.  They were delicious!!!  Something tells me he won't be doing much of that in future but at least we know he can, haha!   I love that man.  He is so talented!
Meg has started her final countdown.  She only has 9 weeks left!  She is tired but finishing strong.  I am so proud of her!  But I am excited to get her home so I can pamper her a bit.  She needs a good rest.

I am training for a half marathon in Nov.  It has been so hard.  These past few weeks, it was all I could do to get out and run 4 miles…and the hills have absolutely KILLED me!  And my breathing has been terrible - for the first time in my life, I felt like an asthmatic, like no matter how deeply I sucked in the air, I couldn't get enough.  Then when I get home, I usually crash on the couch and die for most of the day.  I have been so discouraged. And then I realized that I am probably super low in my B vitamins because bypass patients can't absorb any B vitamins from food.  I hadn't been taking my supplements because they taste like the most bitter poison ever, and you have to let it dissolve under the tongue!  So I looked up the symptoms of low B-12 and what do you know?  Extreme fatigue, muscle soreness and weakness, shortness of breath.  Needless to say, I started taking my supplements again.  And I scheduled a B-12 shot next week.  I really hope it helps, running has hurt so bad that it has killed all my joy.  I seriously dread going out there.  It makes me want to cry.  So I am hoping that this improves everything and QUICKLY!  I only have 4 weeks left!

So there you go, you're all caught up.  Long post!

Oh, holy overwhelming August!

So here's what I have been doing the past month: packing, hosting 4 different sets of out of state company (ok, to be honest, most of them were super helpful and I was grateful to have them visit), packing some more, putting together an epic moving sale, moving, cleaning, unpacking, hanging like a bazillion curtains, shopping for decor items, unpacking some more, organizing, calling utilities and sitting on hold for HOURS (and I am NOT exaggerating!), cussing at Verizon (because we had no internet, cell, or TV for a week after we moved in), getting Adam all packed and ready for dorm move-in, driving to UT to get Adam all scheduled and set up for school, then saying goodbye and driving back home, still unpacking, having landscaping installed.  And all the emotions (stress, anxiety) of those events.  To put it bluntly, I am exhausted, with no relief in sight.  Because school starts for Sam and Sophie this week and I have to jump into homeschooling again.  Plus I have no excuses anymore for neglecting my calling, so back to YW.

But.  I am feeling SO BLESSED!  I can't believe we have our dream house.  It was such a trauma-filled experience, getting this place, and I still don't know how we did it.  Truly the biggest roller coaster I've ever experienced.  It was a series of miracles!  Plus, Adam!  Other than some minor manic behavior, he is doing awesome!  Jumping into the social stuff with both feet, making a ton of friends, and getting geared up for classes that start tomorrow.  He is so happy!  I can't believe how big that miracle is.  Just makes my heart melt/sing.  And I am not as big of a mess as I thought I would be, which is so great.  Maybe because I have not had a spare minute to think about it…but so far, so good.