Time is draaaaaggggggiiiiinnnngggg on…and I am in a funk

Last week was one of the longest weeks I've lived through to date.  Maybe the last week of pregnancy was slower, but this was pretty bad.  It was spring break and we didn't go anywhere or really do anything at all.  The kids had dental appointments and Adam got his wisdom teeth out. We had some Germans staying with us for 5 nights (a sister missionary who served here brought her two siblings to take a tour of her mission, they were gone pretty much every day.  Not hard company, and actually quite entertaining!). Chad even took off two days and we still didn't really do anything or go anywhere.  I got a bad case of the blahs.  Sometimes a stay cation is good…but we haven't been on a vacation since Thanksgiving, and before that, since we took Meg to the MTC last May, which wasn't really a vacation.  I have missed going on vacation, especially our annual summer trip to Lake Nacimiento.  Which is not very annual anymore, we have missed it for two summers in a row, plus we sold the boat!
Life just keeps getting in the way.  But when we are out of our normal routine, with extra time on our hands, it is just boring.  I ate too much, didn't run enough, and although I haven't gained any weight (which I still can't figure out.  How have I not gained any weight?!), I feel yucky.
Plus, and this one is probably the biggest culprit of my crankiness, with the additional time on our hands, Chad and I have been sneaking into the new house, often.  They are just about done with the outside now, and so all the work is being done on the inside.  They have started locking the doors, but Chad takes a screwdriver and breaks in.  They are in the middle of staining all our wood trim - bannisters, fireplace mantles, etc.  And painting, installing baseboards, and getting ready for tile and granite.  It is looking real!  And beautiful, I love it!  AND I WANT IT DONE NOW!!!  I want to get moved!  This has been such an exciting and long process, we've been dreaming about this house for over a year now, and my impatience is breaking through in a big way!  I finally told Chad that I couldn't go to the house anymore.  It just makes me feel antsy and impatient.  Maybe just once every other week.  And I want to start packing already!  Chad keeps wanting to go furniture shopping.  This makes me nervous - how do I know what colors and sizes of furniture to buy when we aren't even living in the house yet?!  We have bought two new bedroom sets (both were on final clearance, hence the early purchase), and one sits in the garage.  Clearly he is getting impatient too!  I told him no more furniture shopping until at least 4 weeks before move-in - we can't store anything else here or we will look like a furniture store!
Also, I am frustrated with Meg.  She is being a great missionary, loving the people and learning the language.  She had her 5th baptism in March.  She is doing fantastic!  But she never answers our letters.  Never.  She writes great long letters for her blog, but never answers our specific letters.  I have sent her 4 packages in the past month (it was her birthday, and I never send one big package for fear it will get held up in customs and undelivered for some reason), and she hasn't commented on a single one of them except to say that she got them. I know how much time and effort and money goes into those packages…I see on other missionaries' blogs, pictures of the missionary with the contents of the package, and commentary on what items were inside.  Meg doesn't do that.  Its so annoying.  I have been asking her for MONTHS to let me know about the packages, and last week, I asked her 4 TIMES in the same letter (!!!) to respond about the packages.  Still nothing.  I swear, it is like she is doing it on purpose.  And I ask her other questions in my letters to her, she never answers them.  I don't know how else to express it without writing her a scorcher of a letter…and I really don't want to do that.  Maybe I should just give up.  I should probably just give up.  There were a few times when she was up at BYU that she ignored my phone calls and texts for about a week, it made me feel crappy, and Chad actually sent her a stern text about answering me.  She was just totally wrapped up in her life and kept forgetting to respond.  So I guess being wrapped up in her mission life is a good thing and I shouldn't complain.  Yep, I'm going to give up.  And to the family members who have gone to such effort and spent so much money on shipping: I hope you are getting a better response than I am!  If not, I am sorry!  But as her mother, I thank you with all of my heart for thinking of her and loving her and going out of your way to make her feel special and loved.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The Germans left this morning, Adam went back to seminary and school, and I am determined to get out and exercise.  Life can't help but get better, right?  As I always tell my kids when they are going nuts with waiting for birthdays and Christmas…get busy!  Time always flies by when we're busy.  Ok, starting the laundry.


  

2 steps forward, 3 steps back

Adam has been doing pretty well lately. Some bumps in the road, but we're dealing with them. It has seemed like these meds were working. Tonight, he scared me, though. Sam came in after we went to bed and said that something bad was going on with Adam. He found Adam on the floor almost in tears and shaking. Adam tried to explain to Sam what he was feeling, and the only thing he could verbalize was a feeling that everything was "huge". I went in and talked to him a little, he told me the same thing, and that he was feeling anxiety, fear, and emptiness. Hm. So I did the first thing I always do: ask if he has taken his meds. Of course he hadn't. But he was really only a few hours late. Not sure why that would affect him like this...I do suspect that it was a combination of the narcotics he has been on for pain after getting his wisdom teeth removed on Wed., getting out of his normal routine during spring break, and some stress over giving a talk tomorrow. We'll have to chase down the reasons tomorrow, he's sleeping now.
When I felt sure that Adam would be ok for the night, I leaned down, kissed him on the head, and said, "If it gets overwhelming again, get Sam, or me, or Dad. We're your family, and we love you, and you don't have to go through this alone." He said, "Ok Mom. I feel better now."  We ARE his family, and we DO love him!  I have been laying in bed thinking about that. I had this picture come into my head of the six of us - me, Chad, Megan, Adam, Sam, and Sophie - sitting in a circle sometime in the pre-existence, discussing the requirement that our family be tested HARD. And trying to decide what and which one of us. And Adam stepping up and saying, "Ok, I'll take this on. But you guys have to be there to catch me." And we all agreed. And I felt an overwhelming feeling of respect and love for that very very brave boy. Mental illness is horrible. The brain chemistry is so delicate and if it isn't perfectly balanced, the personality changes can be confusing at best, terrifying and dangerous at worst. It is so hard to have warm fuzzy feelings for someone who is acting like a jerk half of the time.  Imagine how it must feel to have such overwhelming feelings and thoughts!  Who would volunteer for this?  But when it gets tough, I need to remind myself of that picture in my head of Adam bravely saying, "Ok, I'll take this on."  I know we'll all make it through this. We're Team Wright.  We love each other. We're all taking those steps forward and backward together. We have each others' backs. And we're not ever alone!