I finally accomplished a small wardrobe!

First, I can't believe I'm blogging. It's been 19 months to be exact. WHAT?

Second, I spent a good 6 hours of my day off to embrace an intriguing idea that I've been mulling over since my friend Joann posted this about seven months ago:

http://www.awhimsiclelife.com/2015/04/how-to-create-a-small-wardrobe.html

She got the idea from a woman in Dallas who originally posted about getting rid of her wardrobe. The idea comes from the concept that most people tend towards the same items of clothing that they feel best in, look best in, and enjoy to wear the most. The rest of our closet is made up of:

• I wore it once to that one event and I loved the event
• I spent a lot of money on it so I can't get rid of it
• I have had it forever!!! (even with its holes and fading colors)
• I used to fit into or I know I can fit into it again

I could not get myself to really do this so I just slowly started parting with pieces one by one. It helped but still wasn't achieving my goal..,until Wednesday. 

Based on Joann's blog, I followed (loosely) the following guidelines:

15 tops

9 bottoms (skirts, pants, jeans)

9 shoes

2 dresses

2 jackets

I realized quickly that some of these guidelines had to be adjusted because:

1. I was never going to narrow down my footwear to nine pairs. I have easily three times that many and wear them all!!! So I figured I might be able to redistribute those 9 items into other categories (breaking the rules??)

2. I am an administrator and have to dress up for work everyday. Having only two jackets and two dresses wasn't going to work because I actually rotate through more than that. So again, I allowed a couple more in each category from the shoes. 

STEP 1: Empty your entire closet

STEP 2:Create piles

LOVE IT- I wear it all the time because it looks great and makes me feel great. 

HMMMM- it's okay, maybe a little damaged, faded, I wear it sometimes, or I just can't decide.

NO!- Why do I even have this? It doesn't fit (too big, way too small), it's ripped, it's ugly, frump-city!

SEASONAL- I didn't need this right now because I wear sleeveless blouses in the winter. 

Left: NO! Middle: Hmmm, Right: yes!

STEP 3: Lay out categories from the LOVE IT pile (I wanted to see how many items went in each)

So far: 8 pants/skirts; 3 dresses (2 at the dry cleaner); 13 shirts; 5 jackets (2 at the dry cleaner)

STEP 4: Go through the maybe HMMM pile. I'll admit that this pile took me forever. It was so much more difficult than I thought. I knew I still had 2 shirts and 1 bottom. Plus, I had the nine shoes that I permitted myself to distribute to other categories. 

left: shirts, middle: bottoms, right: one last dress

 Although I just recently bought the dress, it's actually quite difficult to wear; it rides up, it requires leggings, and it reminds me of Minnie Mouse now that I wore it for Halloween so buh-bye. The three bottoms were the hardest because I only had room for one item. I ended up choosing the khaki pants.

STEP 5: bag it up!!! We were fortunate that a friend of ours took the bags to a homeless shelter. 

Reflections:
1. I finally said goodbye to my four, floor length strapless ball gowns. I will never shorten and wear them again. EVER!
2. I had some sad, difficult moments with a few items that I attach serious emotional importance to. 

My NJHS adviser shirt- goodbye

I wore this to all the court cases for Kenzie and had it on the day we got her back so it represents something very special. BUT it requires too many under garments to look good- goodbye

I LOVE this shirt but it doesn't fit right now. I broke a rule and kept it...boxed up.

just like the last one. Also kept it in a box

pants that I recently bought and am dangerously close to fitting into the way I want. Kept. 

worn on our honeymoon cruise and that's about it.
Although it looks great on, it requires a full corset. Goodbye.

FINISHED PRODUCT:

5 jackets, 5 dresses, 9 bottoms, 18 tops
37 items total

Bucket List update

It has been over 2 years since updating this list. 

100 Things to do before I Die

Academics/Career:

1. Be a principal
2. Be either a superintendent/district administrator
3. sing/speak at a public event8th grade promotion May 2012/worship team for Tres Dias
4. Be a grade level team leader
5. Get my master's degree August 2, 2012
6. Get a doctorate degree
7. Teach a college class 
8. Start my own business/support my husband starting a business Epic fail with Mary Kay but at least I tried

Family:

1. take my daughter to get a pedicure for her first birthday
2. Make baby books every two months for the first year of my children(s)' lives. as of 10/2015
3. attend a mother/daughter sleepover
4. go to grandparent's day
5. have ALL my children and grandchildren come home for Christmas
6. french braid my daughter's hair 
7. Be a mother-of-the-bride
8. watch Mike walk our daughter down the aisle
9. hold my baby in my home in her Aunt's blanket
10. offer my engagement/wedding rings to my grandson/granddaughter
11. serve on a Tres Dias weekend with my husband
12. speak to my grandfather about his experience in the Holocaust will not happen because he just passed away 2015
13. Dedicate Kenzie at church 5/13/12
14. Adopt a baby with down syndrome

Personal

1. weigh less than 140 lbs
2. Have no need for contacts or glasses
3. come up with 100 items for my list
4. VBAC attempted but we are done with having kids
5. Rectora/Head Cha
6. Own a black pug
7. Own a MAC/Ipad
8. get married 6/19/09
9. have a baby 10/14/11
10. buy a home 09/2015
11. see someone accept Christ
12. become a member of my church
13. Host a bible study at my home
14. Write and publish a children's book
15. Write and publish a novel
16. Complete a pull up
17. Do a hanging sit up

Travel/World Experiences:  

1. Cruise to Alaska
2. Live in England for a year
3. Take the Lord of the Rings tour of "the Shire" in New Zealand
4. See my husband baptized in the Jordan River 
5. Meet a president
6. Go on the Disneyland Cruise
7. vow renewal in the church Mike's parents were married in
8. Visit the tribes of my Native American heritage
9. Live in a "Stars Hollow" town

DIY/Activities:

1. Collect all the Cinderella stores from around the world
2. Have an entire room in my home with floor to ceiling libraries
3. Own all the Caldecott winning books
4. take a drifting class
5. Make the hair bows for my daughter's sport's team (volleyball, cheer etc)
6. learn to hip hop dance
7. solve the rubic's cube in under 4 minutes
8. Read all of Jane Austen's book
9. Go to the midnight release of the final Breaking Dawn movie 11.16.12 Thanks Tami, Stacy, and Holly!
10. Complete a parallel study of the Gospels in progress with Jenn
11. Take a ride on the light rail- Thanks Joann!
12. learn to use a sewing machine 
13. trash the dress in water
14. relearn and "speak' sign language fluently
15. Shoot a gun Happy Birthday to David!
16. Learn to ride a sport bike
17. Learn how to do a fish tail braid 
18. Run a 5K 

Finances:

1. Eliminate all debt
2. Pay off all student loans
3. Learn how to invest 

Total: 69
Completed: 14

A Postpartum mommy's body- the real story

I am in awe of the all the beautiful women who are fortunate enough to have bodies that shrink back and tighten right up after giving birth. You see stories all the time that show celebrities whose stomach's and bodies look better after giving birth than they did before. I feel like there is this expectation that you will immediately look like you did before your body became a home to a baby for nine months.

For the rest of us...it doesn't always happen that way. Even those women who lose their baby weight usually find that their hips never quite snap back and even those flat tummies can have stretch marks and saggyness.

Perhaps some mommies can relate to my story and if my honesty helps even one woman whose body has never been the same, then it's worth the transparency.


Let me start by saying that I do not regret my pregnancies and I would do it all again and again for my beautiful girls. But let's be honest about mentally and emotionally handling the postpartum body.

I gained a ton of weight in my first pregnancy, which is all my fault. I never lost any of it after birth, which was also due to my lack of effort and diligence. I wasn't a huge fan of bare belly photos when I had maternity photos done with my first child because my stomach resembled a road map to nowhere specific.

photo by Courtney Sargent Photography UNEDITED

After birth I was left with the stretch marks AND saggy, puckered, droopy skin that hung like I had a mangled beer belly (how's that for honest). After a couple months it tightened up a little but even now (and after a second child) my stomach looks nothing like a stomach at all and is just a lumpy accumulation of what housed something so precious.

Some mom friends have shared how they went through similar experiences where not only did their stomachs not return to their original shape but after nursing, neither did their...you know what (I won't be sharing any photos like that of course).

Here's the reality...those stretch marks, while now white and faded, will never go away, my bladder control will never return to normal, I may never fit into my size 8 skinny jeans (yes I actually owned a pair). I read something so precious and have to share it for your encouragement as well:

Megan Garrison Photography

So there it is, the pregnancy and post-pregnancy body isn't always glamorous but it is what it is and it's amazing that our bodies can do it at all.

Dreams and what they mean

I don't put much credence in the deeper meaning of dreams in that I won't sit here and use the stars and New Agey type devices to wiggle out the true meaning of my dreams. With that said, I'd really love to understand why I have some of the same dreams over and over and over and over...get my point? What's worse, I have the same nightmares over and over and over and over.

Here's a few:

1. I frequently teach in my sleep, which really isn't a surprise because, well I'm a teacher. Oddly though I'm always aware that I'm in my bedroom and quite frequently not properly dressed to be teaching. I get frustrated that my students are in my bedroom and I have to order them to wait for me in the kitchen while I change. This happens all the time, so weird.

2. I find myself in bathrooms. Most people know of my abnormal and incredibly irrational fear of toilets. You would think that sleeping and not being in a bathroom would be a safe place but not so much. Many of my dreams even if they are not nightmares include me getting lost in a bathroom full of stalls with some of the most terrifying toilets ever and I either keep opening a stall door thinking that it's the exit or I have to use the bathroom and can't find a normal toilet. Sheesh, if I could just get past this weird phobia of mine maybe they would stop making cameos in my dreams...almost every night.

3. Childhood recurring dream #1- my mom and I would go through a drive through but instead of us getting food, my mom would have her toes cut off and replaced with bells. Then she would prop her feet up on the dash and wiggle her toes. Not even joking and I had this dream for years as a child.

4. Childhood recurring dream #2- It would always start in my dad's house. There would be a whole bunch of us (family of different ages) and we'd go outside where suddenly everyone would disappear. A man who was a mix of Ted Danson and Jason from Friday the 13th appear and chase me through the house. I'd always go to hide under my dad's bed, which should have been impossible because it was a water bed. The dream would always end the same way, with me in the living room realizing that I couldn't run anymore so I would lay down on the floor and stare up at the turning fan waiting for Ted/Jason to come and kill me. Then I'd wake up. Again, this dream happened over and over for years as a child/teen.

5. Water nightmares- I've had tons of dreams not around drowning but around being engulfed in ginormous bodies of water. For example, I might be at a pool and suddenly a wave like a mile high would come up out of the pool and crash over the top of me. There were variations but it always had the same theme.

6. Ghosts- I don't believe in them, not at all. I don't believe in ghosts of people wandering around and haunting people. I believe the Bible is very clear that when we die our physical body is gone and our soul or spirit will either go to Heaven or Hell. Now I'm not looking to get into a theological debate with anyone but it's important to understanding this bizarre nightmare to know that I don't believe in ghosts. With that said, I have this nightmare ALL THE TIME now as an adult where I'll be in a house and I know that something evil is around me. The icy cold shiver described in weird shows like Ghost Hunters will steal over me and paralyzing fear grips me. To make it worse, I somehow know I'm dreaming and cannot wake up. I remember even how I feel with eerie clarity once I am awake and still have the same coldness in me. They always end the same way, with me huddled somewhere like on a couch chanting the mantra, "In the name of Jesus I command you to go away. At the name of Jesus the devil must flee" over and over and over. Whew...I hate this night mare.

So even though I don't know if there really is a deeper meaning to any of these, I'd really love to know how to make them go away! God help me, pregnancy makes them a million time worse. Apparently we dream only during our REM cycles, which can happen up to 5 times a night. Luckily I only have to remember the last dream I had. I know that people have suggested meditation or praying or reading something positive before I fall asleep. I can and have done all those things but the dreams are still there and I still wish I knew why the recurring ones happen like they do.

I'd love some insight...

Daphne update

So it looks like over the next couple months Daphne will become best friends with a specialist for each major organ system in her body. We've posted that she has several appointments coming up and many people have asked if Daphne is okay or what is wrong with her. The answer is that we don't know exactly.

Here's what we know:

• Daphne failed her newborn hearing test twice
• Daphne has abnormally small ear canals, which are closed right now
• Daphne has Congenital Vertical Talus, a rare foot deformity that causes her feet to flip up to her shins. 

Here's what we don't know:

• whether she is actually deaf or has damage to her inner ear
• the extent of the canal closure 
• What caused the foot deformity
• If there is a connection between her ears and her feet

Here's what we've done so far:

•  seen a ENT (clipped her frenulum and first noticed her small ear canals)
• seen a neuro-otologist who decided she needs to have more hearing tests and investigation into her ears. 
• seen an orthopedic surgeon who diagnosed her CVT and has started casting her feet to stretch out the muscles and tendons to prepare for surgery. She's had two castings, she will have four more before surgery. 
• blood panel and EEG

Here's what is coming up:

• EKG and Echo, third-sixth leg castings, and appointment with the GI (all 1/3)
• appointment with Neuro on 1/6 to look at EEG
• MRI on 1/7 (she has to be put under)
• appointment with cardio on 1/16 to look at Echo and EKG
• ear surgery on 1/23 to determine the full extent of her ear condition. If the tests show that she can hear but the canal is closed, they will implant a bone conduction hearing aid. They will wait on reconstructing the ear canal. If she can't hear at all then we look into other options such as cochlear implant. We will know much more about her ears after the 23rd.

here's what the hearing aid looks like on an infant

• appointment with opthamology to make sure her eyes are working properly since that is the sense she relies on most. 
• foot surgery to repair the talus followed by braces until 2-4 years old. 
• genetic testing to learn more about the possible causes for the ears and feet deformity and determine if there is a connection. 

We have a lot of friends on facebook and family who have been wondering what's going on. We wrote this blog to help answer questions we've been getting and to help everyone understand is happening. We will keep you updated as we go and appreciate your prayers and support. 

Confessions of a non-conventional...or maybe conventional mom

Let me start by saying that this post may be highly controversial, gasp-inducing, and "how dare she" in nature but if there is even one other mom who needs to be told "it's okay that you make these decisions" then it was worth it.

Here's the list of what you should know about me as a mom:

• I had two c-sections. I had a c-section with my first baby because she was breech. I had a c-section with my second baby because I failed to progress and her heart couldn't withstand the Pitocin. Oh, yes...I used Pitocin with my second birth even though it was a VBAC. I have read too many blogs and websites, and posts, and boards that basically say I was coerced and bullied into using Pitocin because my water broke but my labor didn't start. If you had a c-section or you used Pitocin, guess what? That was your choice! Only you and your doctor/mid-wife knew what was best for you and your baby. Was it the best choice? Who knows! Was it the right choice? Yes, because it was yours and you are a good mom! It's okay if you had medical interventions to assist in your delivery. It's okay if you used an OB instead of a midwife and Doula. It's okay if you birthed in a hospital, with an IV, on medication like I did. Now, if you chose not to do those things, that's okay too but you are not less of a mom because you used medical intervention.
• I tried breast-feeding and gave up. I can lie and say that I did absolutely everything I could to nurse and pump and give my baby breast milk but honestly, when it didn't work after a couple weeks, I used formula. Is formula the same as breast milk? No. Will formula nourish and feed your child? Yes.  Is breast milk good? yes. Will it prevent any and every childhood infection, illness, disease, etc? No. Will formula guarantee that your child will be riddled with ear infections, illnesses, a weakened immune system etc? No! Let me just put it out there...Kenzie has been on formula since she was two weeks old (well now she eats food but you get it) and guess what? She NEVER had even one ear infection. She's had only a couple colds and is in general, super healthy! My advice, definitely try breast feeding if that's what you want to do. If you can, awesome! If your baby won't latch, if it stresses you so much you sit with your baby at your breast crying while she cries like I did, then move on! I had two amazing friends who both breast fed their babies for a year who told me that I need to do what's best for my baby and that's being a happy, sane mommy. You will bond with your baby, I promise! I am ridiculously well-bonded to both my babies...not sucking on my nipple didn't prevent that. 
• I vaccinate. Did I just say the new four letter word? I vaccinate with everything that is offered my baby including the flu shot. Is it because I'm an uneducated, ignorant, uninformed and horrible mom who falls victim to the lies of western medicine? NO! It's because I have done my research and I have decided that vaccinating is best for my kids and family and feel no regret. I vaccinate so my friend with a little boy fighting cancer won't contract something and die. See, he can't get any shots or vaccines because of his weakened immune system and is susceptible to many illnesses  so I vaccinate to protect him and kids like him. I vaccinate to protect all the kids whose parents choose not vaccinate them. It is 100% their choice and I respect that but let's be honest...if we all made that choice, too many of our kids would be dying of diseases that could be otherwise eradicated and currently suppressed. It's their choice not to vaccinate, and it's my choice to vaccinate. My choice allows them to safely make their choice. I am not a criminal for vaccinating my child. 
• I let my baby cry. Gasp! I follow Baby Wise and yes, sometimes my babies have cried for a few minutes before I picked them up. Did I ever not meet their needs? No! Did I sleep train, yes! There are tons of blogs and sites that preach on the evils of sleep training but you know what? There is a reason why we need to sleep. It's during sleep that babies process and commit to memory what they learned, saw, heard, and experienced while awake. In addition, research has shown that babies will metabolize better if they can set a sleep schedule early on. And as a mom who works full time, I need sleep too! Both my babies have slept up to 8 hours by 8 weeks. I will not be told that I'm "so lucky" to have easy babies who sleep through the night. I worked DAMN hard to achieve this including persuading my wonderful babysitter to be on board with our routine (and she is, bless her heart) and telling my loving mom to please stop putting my baby to sleep as she cuddles her granddaughter. It's not because I'm an evil, selfish mom; it's because I want to give my baby the gift of a full night's sleep..and me too.
• I love to work! Do I also love being home with my girls? Yes! Am I okay with taking them to a well-trusted babysitter while I go to work and do what I love to do? Yes! I love my job! I love having a job and something I go to everyday. I love coming home and seeing my beautiful girls. I don't desire to be a stay-at-home and that doesn't make me a bad mom...or you either if you work either out of choice or necessity!
• I believe in the public school system and have no desire to home school my child. I will send my daughter to public school, I'm okay with someone else educating her. I think parents who choose to home school are ambitious and amazing...it's not for me and that's okay.
• I let my kids watch TV...kind of a lot of it. I can't justify anything or any reason why. Will my daughter grow up to be a low-life, uneducated, idiot? Likely not. So yes, I do rely on Mickey Mouse Club House and Doc McStuffins on occasion...okay all the time and it's just okay that I do.
• I feed my daughter sugar and fast food. OMG, my kid eats happy meals. I don't buy organic or make all her food (although I did like to make her baby food because it was cheaper and quite frankly, fun). Happy meals make her happy...and sometimes me too. There are days when cooking is not going to happen. My husband and I both work full time and now with an infant at home, cooking doesn't happen everyday. Ergo...fast food some times.
• I had postpartum depression with both my girls. Not the Baby Blues, feeling a little emotional type of PPD, I mean the sitting on the bathroom floor bawling, not able to pull myself together PPD. What's more, I needed medication to help me pull out of it and I'm not sorry that I took it because it has made me a better mom, able to focus on my girls rather than my emotions. 
• I use disposable diapers. I considered cloth diapers actually and know several friends who use them with their kiddos and love them! I did research and asked around but it came down to what was easiest. Honestly, the idea of even deciding which disposables to use was exhausting and stressful, so stressful in fact that I abandoned the notion before I even tried them. Yes, we've had diaper rashes, which may have been remedied by cloth diapers but considering that we had to take both girls to a babysitter and work full time, I just couldn't do it and feel no remorse over it now.

Here's the point to this post. I feel like there are SO many posts, blogs, and websites that almost virtually criminalize parents who do any of the things that I mentioned above. Furthermore, it seems like these issues are actually putting moms at war with each other over decisions that are entirely up to each individual parent. Parenting is hard enough as it is without us passing severe judgement on our fellow moms who more than anything, just need someone to tell us that we are doing a good job. Don't we beat ourselves up enough without help from each other?

For parents who use cloth diapers, homeopathic doctors, all organic foods, natural child birth etc, more power to you!!! You are super awesome moms because you do exactly what is best for your child(ren) and works in your family. For all the moms who do what I shared above, more power to you! You are super awesome moms because you do exactly what is best for your child(ren) and works in your family.

That's my soap box. I'll step down now, go have a glass of wine and feed my infant a nice warm bottle of formula while my two year old sleeps in disposable diapers after watching an hour of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

1 week later...what it has really been like

It's not secret that I was preparing for and hoping for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) a.k.a. trial of labor. Everything was falling into place: no complications on my part, a head down baby, started showing labor symptoms without intervention, term baby...

On Tuesday morning (the 29th) I had a good feeling that I would be going into labor very soon. Sure enough, while having dinner with my in-laws that night, my water broke. It worked out perfectly because they were able to take Kenzie home with them and Mike and I headed off to the hospital to meet Miss Daphne. I was excited and eager to deliver her like I believed I was intended to.

That's where everything started going nothing like I planned.

I knew that I was already dilated 1 cm and 50% effaced. Apparently my water broke a little earlier than my OB would have liked. We checked in at the hospital and found out that although my water had broken I had not started contractions and was not any further dilated or effaced...first problem. The triage nurse knew I was a VBAC but seemed really skeptical because after your water breaks you can't be sent home (like you would if you thought you were in labor but had progressed far enough) but they can't just leave you either because of danger of infection without the amniotic fluid to protect the baby.

I had no choice but to start pitocin...second problem.

I moved to a labor and delivery room , started my epidural (which was embarrassing and awkward but bless my husband's heart for dealing with it) and was set up for a long night of contractions and trying to sleep...gearing up and reserving my strength for delivery. After a few hours, I progressed to 3 cm but only with the help of my nurse. After a few more hours...nothing. On top of that Daphne wasn't handling the pitocin well. Her heart rate kept dropping, forcing the nurse to turn off the pitocin altogether...third problem.

10 hours after arriving at the hospital, despite the pitocin, efforts on my nurse's part to help me progress, and my water breaking, I was still dilated only 3 cm, my baby's heart rate was unstable, and my contractions were progressively tougher but with no results. Around 5;30 I spoke to my OB who basically said that I could keep trying for the VBAC but my chances of going to an emergency c-section vs. a planned one were increasing fast because of Daphne's heart rate. For the safety of my baby, I really had no choice but to prepare for my second c-section. I had a moment of tears where I mourned losing my only attempt at a vaginal birth but quickly resolved to embrace our new plan.

After zero complications and sleeping through most of it, we greeted our second daughter at 6:17am on the 30th. She was perfect, APGAR was great, heart rate strong and stable. In recovery, Daphne latched and nursed extremely well and it seemed like everything was looking up...

Many parents know that newborns go through a couple screenings in the hospital including hearing. Daphne failed her hearing test twice. We also noticed and were told by every nurse and LC that she was tongue tied. Frustratingly, the pediatricians who do rounds through the hospital every morning kept saying her tongue tie was fine and required no intervention. So we headed home.

After being home only 24 hours, Daphne became inconsolable for almost 3 hours and was showing alarming BMs in a small period for a newborn so we ended up at Phoenix Children's emergency room. Fortunately, she was fine and we were discharged but not before the ER doctor who also happened to be a lactation specialist told us that Daphne was very tongue tied and we needed to get her frenulum clipped ASAP! Done!

Our pediatrician referred us to an ENT who happened to be her husband to get the tongue tie taken care of. While there, the doc looked in her ears and commented on Daphne having tiny ear canals. We mentioned that she failed her hearing test twice so he decided to suction out any built up fluid that could have been causing a blockage. He discovered that she has some kind of obtrusion in both ears (basically a deformity) which was preventing him from seeing her inner ear anatomy and from passing her hearing tests. We are now waiting to see an otologist (sp) who is going to likely look into a CT scan to see if her inner ears formed correctly and decide on the next course of action to open up her ears. There is no way to know right now if there is any hearing loss or problems with the inner ear.

We are still working on nursing together now that we had the tongue tie fixed. I am anxiously waiting to hear about Daphne's ears. In reflection, there are several things that have happened outside our control but Daphne is amazing. She's eating, sleeping, she smiles, she laughed yesterday, and Kenzie already loves her and does so well with her.

I guess you just never really know how things are going to unfold.