There Aren’t Even Words…….
Making A Decision
I have given myself 30 minutes to post because there is a heck ofa lot of work to do around this house before tomorrow.
See what turned into just my Mama and Big Daddy driving down our car so that it can be here for transportation to pick up and ship to Georgia has turned into literally everyone except my older brother coming down. So though I am glad of the full house-
(and it sure will be: us in our room with our three dogs since their room is going to be holding my younger brother, his wife, our niece and their 6 week old puppy; the “office”/library has been cleared so that my almost 8 month pregnant sister and her husband can sleep in there; my parent in the guest room- which I really need to make as spotless as possible for my Dad’s health; my youngest bro will have the honor of sleeping on the pullout in the living room- and if his girlfriend comes…well they will have to figure out who gets the couch.
So recount: 9 (possibly 10) adults, a one year old, Two 75+ lb dogs, one chihuahua/pug mix, one 65lb dog (my parent’s boxer), possibly a meanie head chihuahua (my sister’s dog), a 6wk old puppy (my brother’s dog) and if my youngest brother’s girlfriend doesn’t come then she will be taking care of their puppy…but if she does come then so will their puppy.) — it means a whole lot of work for me
Anyway, I have kind of come to a decision on what role this blog is going to play.
Until I can get a new journal I will probably end up using this as I always have…
After that- well mayhap not so much.
See I know if I can get across where I am at any more than I already have. There isn’t much (generally, and certainly not including this move coming up in two weeks..closer to a week and a half) that is going on in my life outside of the mundane.
Would you like to know how or why I am making this decision?
I found out today that I am going to be lapped– for the third time– by a woman who was in my very first support group for trying after a year.
Her third child.
And I can’t handle it.
I could go on about the feeling but really that word-well is dry. I am using all my focus to deal with my sister’s pregnancy. I am in dread of my sister in law saying they are expecting again- she hasn’t said anything remotely concerning pregnancy but over the last couple of weeks… I am gettin that apprehensive feelin- I’m getting the vibe.
Well, my thirty minutes are up- so long for now
Contemplation…over a couple days
I am in kind of a conundrum.
I am honestly looking at making this blog of mine inactive. I’ve but so much time and feeling into it though and that kind of what makes me hesitant. I mean I rarely post as it is and — again being honest– it isn’t like my readership is very much. I mean I see the stats and most of the hits come from one or two sites and most people just browse through. On the other hand (again) it isn’t like I created this blog for other people.
Sometimes though I feel like what I’ve written I have written before and things are getting redundant. Its like I can’t articulate whats really going on within with a different vocabulary than I have been using…
OK, so it has taken me a couple of days to get back to this because I drew a blank.
I have continued to think on the continuation of this blog- if I should just stop posting and leave it or if I should try and re-vamp in a way that will appeal to others. Changing the main focus from me and my life to outside of myself with a couple of insights to me.
Or maybe I could just take a hiatus. Wait until I get into San Antonio to start up the next step of our fertility journey. It is kind of interesting that right at this moment it is more about the next step than the end result- which I suppose is to be expected when one has been trying for as long as we have. You know, San Antonio has yet to even call me for orientation, and I feel in the pit of my stomach that they will call in February- a time when we will be moving, getting settled, etc. This delay is definitely not boding well for when we’ll actually get to see the doctor. From the first referral they said Wilford Hall (the hospital there) had a six month waiting list- making the soonest they expected to have my initial doctor appointment May 2010. Right now though that is just moving back and back because its required that I do this orientation first.
I was just thinking that it would be awesome if they let me do orientation as I am passing through San Antonio on the way to our new post- that would be too convenient to happen though.
Anyway, as far as school goes I think that I am doing pretty well so far. I aced my first two classes but now I am tackling Analysis of World Literature (ENG200) and American Literature (ENG349)/ There is so much reading that I am a bit dumbfounded on where to begin! To spite that I am looking forward to the classes.
That’s pretty much it- for now at least
Reflecting
I am having one of those episodes where I NEED to get my paper done for school so that I can focus on all the work that I have to make up in my English class. For some reason though my thoughts are thinking back on my life to this point.
I think that by this point most know that I always wanted to be a mother- that isn’t looking so hot right at this moment. I started thinking back and wondering about my life.
I wonder where I would be if I had chosen to stay in New York rather than trying to have a relationship with my dad. In my head I like to think that the majority of parents aren’t like my dad and his wife. I think that I may be reflective because it is a situation that I have resolved within myself. I don’t wonder what could have been with anger like I would have this time last year. Today I am wondering because I think I would have been a dramatically different person- with someone who showed that they loved me and supported my dreams in an active kind of role. I couldn’t tell you guys how often we jumped on a train so I could go to dance, gymnastics (yeah, that one didn’t last too long but I loved the short time I was there), swimming, baseball, tennis, modeling classes with my cousin, auditions (again with my cousin- she didn’t like to do things by herself), and even crochet classes. If I saw something or someone doing something I didn’t know how to do- I asked and if it was reasonable I could at least try it to decide for myself if it was something I wanted to pursue.
When I lived with my dad it was the complete opposite. Anything that took away from their time or their schedule or their leisure was brushed under the rug. I took it though and for that I think I haven’t resolved that in myself. The foolish hope that my dad and I and my brother could be a family- in the true sense. Notice I don’t mention my father’s wife. When I first moved with them my dad and I were still close (ish). Anytime we started really to have fun she would do or say something (usually completely inappropriate) to change that light-hearted mood. When we had our last conversation (the one where I finally told her that I didn’t care one way or the other what happened with her) she tried to make it sound as though she some how protected me from my dad. In that she was partly right- she was standing there right in the middle of us. She says that it was for my own good but I say that she put every brick of that wall that rose between myself and my dad. He provided the mortar by allowing her interference and that is just really sad.
When I lived with them it was my grandmother who paid my sports fees, for my equipment (I could go through at least four pairs of cleats in a season- not counting the team cleats that were for games or the cleats for off-season training), for my color guard camps, my color guard uniforms, and band trips.
I think my dreams would still be alive. I smothered them for the sake of a relationship- a relationship that shouldn’t have required that. Right now I think that is my only regret. That I sacrificed so much for what turned out to be nothing but heartache and anger. I hate how my teen years went but I don’t regret them because good things did come from them. My very best friends I met while there. I met the Hubbs- though I believe with my whole heart that even if I hadn’t moved to Florida I would have met him along the path of life. I did learn how I didn’t want to be when it came to relationships. I would have liked to have kept my dreams in the process.
Again, while I have always wanted to be a mother I think the past five years have added different dimensions to that desire. I want to be the unfailing support to my child(ren) that my Grandmother was (and still is) to me. It breaks my heart not only to see others being able to take that first step but seeing parents who are encouraging their children. It could be in a movie, on television, or just walking through Target and that pressure builds in my chest. I choke up and fight the tears I can’t seem to control. It isn’t a sobbing or even that ugly crying (you know what I’m talking about- with the snot rollin out the nose, red eyes close to swelling shut, and not being able to breathe). Just a tear or two- and the sadness. I suppose that to a certain degree I could use the word regret but I reject that idea. That would imply that I have a hand in my infertility and I am pretty sure there isn’t any way that could have happened.
Man this has taken quite a while to write so I need to go and actually get something done for school.
I Miss You
Kind of a weird title for a post right?
I am in Infertility Limbo and I don’t really want to be active on the boards I am usually active on, BUT I miss the boards. I miss talking with everyone but I don’t want to talk about all my issues. I think that it isn’t so much that I am over it but more like after five years I sound like a broken record.
It is the same cycle over and over again- and I don’t mean only my menstruation cycle.
I still haven’t heard anything from Wilford Hall about when they want me to come for orientation. I don’t expect that I’ll get a doctor’s appointment until after May- if I get it even in the month of May someone may have to snap me out of the shock.
I am kind of in a jam as well. I obviously need to find work when we get to Georgia but how much do I disclose about my infertility issues? Do I at all? I mean, I already have the other issues, but I am not expecting that to be too much of a problem if I manage things the right way. I am expecting the adjustment to be a bit difficult but hopefully it won’t be long.
Outside the infertility I am going to be trying something new as far as my meds. My doctor called me today and said that she and the cardiologist (outside referral) spoke and he thinks that whatever my initial issue was cardiac wise wasn’t major but that one of my meds seem to be aggravating things. So now the Man has to monitor my blood pressure and heart rate twice a day because my blood pressure might drop too low as well as my heart rate. Hopefully we will be able to get me one of those wrist heart rate monitors- they are kind of pricey- and a portable cuff.
Dang I feel like I’m going to be a walking medical experiment even though I know that no one is going to know about any of it (well no one with the exception of those of you who read this).
Well I know this is short (some may sigh with relief LOL) but I am nursin a headache so until my next post- Adios!
Is It Real….(need opinions)
or is it a scam?
This is the question running through my head right at the moment. If you remember in my previous post I said that I would need to get a job so I have been looking online. Found one that was perfect: Admin Assistant, part time, looking at the end of January as a start date…
except the Hubbs tells me yesterday that they pushed back his report date so we won’t be leaving until mid-February so I had to call and that is later than what they need so they let me go.
Awe Frostbite! (Ok saw Disney/Pixar’s prep and landing and I can say that is the best new Christmas movie out there)
So of course that messes with my plans for the truck payment, we need that extra paycheck to make it all work in February. Now we are sticking moving with everything and it really is stressin me out a little. I get online and start looking through the Yahoo Job Search (which is where I found the first job) and came across one of those ads that were the work from home as a data processor- which is something I could totally do for a few months and even when I get another job. The only thing is I don’t know if its for real or if it is a scam. What makes me hesitant is that there is a $35 fee…
I mean I don’t pay someone to hire me offline so why would I do it online?
So if any of you know anything about this or have actual experience I would be tremendously grateful.
Here’s the Link: Data Entry Jobs
On to the medical news with me: seems as though my primary care physician, Dr.D, has decided that they are going to try and switch me from the nortriptyline to something else to help with my heart rate issues since it doesn’t seem as though the cardiology department at the hospital is going to be much help. The last time the cardiologist, Dr. A (not from the hospital but an outside referral), took me off I had a rough week- to say the very least. I am hoping that this time they replace it with something else rather than just taking me completely off. I am waiting on a return call to find out the details.
Fertility wise I am in limbo. I don’t know really quite where I am at. We are waiting.
Fa-la-la-la-laaa-la-la-la-laaaaa
I can tell you all that my cycles are right back to being wonky. Last cycle was 35 days and I have no idea if I ovulated because there was no change in my cervical fluids (I know I should have been temping but I forgot to pack it before we left for the holidays). I didn’t feel any of what I usually feel when I O so it really is just another throw away cycle. I don’t know how the whole San Antonio thing is gonna work when I get a job. I mean I’d start mid-February if I can do interview over the phone and get things squared away from here- but that is still three months to May- which is the earliest they’ll see me at Wilford (the hospital there). I am afraid I’ll still be in my probation period and really don’t want to be asking for time off so soon after being hired (I already need a couple of days for my best friends wedding- which isn’t too bad since the driving distance isn’t anything to spit at).
Is it bad that I am seriously resenting this truck? Because I am.
I won’t even be able to make it for the birth of my first nephew now and it makes me angry. I wish I could be like my Hubbs at times like this: going with the flow.
So many things write about, so little time…
I have English homework to get done… next week is the last week before the break! WOO HOO
It’s Back to Work
I thought that this particular title would be most appropriate for just about everything I am gonna be writing about today. Many things have happened since my last post and really has been overwhelming.
Since my last post things continued to get interesting. Sunday it was discovered that my car of 10 years was on the way to give up the ghost- if ya know what I mean. We couldn’t wait around though because the Hubbs needed to be back to sign in by midnight Sunday. So we tried to rent a car but couldn’t because a credit hadn’t been applied yet. Sunday night the Hubbs had to call in to let them know that he was not AWOL (absent without leave- for those of you who don’t know) and to see how much time they would give him to get home: they said Tuesday he would have to report for work. We decided that since most of the repair work we have been doing on the car wasn’t because of any outside issue other than age so we looked up the Kelley Blue Book and decided that it was time for a new mode of transportation.
But things can never be easy for us.
We went first to Chevy dealership because we like the Equinox. Of course we didn’t have a down payment (as we weren’t looking to buy a new car for another couple of years) so we were planning on using the car as a trade-in. They take it back to appraise and come back with a number: $200- about 1100 less than the Kelley Blue Book value. It was ridiculous! I mean the tires are less than 6 months old and we have in the last year put around 2500 in replacement parts for the engine. I mean just to get her road ready for the trip we dropped 200 with replacing the battery, belts and of course topped the fluids. No way I was taking that deal so we decided that we’d just leave the car at my parents house and send a check to get it repaired. This way the Hubbs could have a car for work and I wouldn’t be stuck at home. Then of course they wouldn’t finance because of the Hubbs credit score and when we tried to get my grandma to co-sign they said no because it would be long distance (even though they could overnight it to her and she’d send it right back). So obviously we weren’t meant to get it from that place.
I would like to say that I was surprised by this but then I’d be lying- which would be pointless to do since this is my own blog.
I’d like to insert here that the Lord works in mysterious ways. While we (my Dad, the Hubbs and myself) were at the dealership my younger brother’s recruiter showed up at the house. My mom of course thought that he came to speak with T and was all like “T is at work so…” and then she saw that he had my bag in her hands! His office is on the complete opposite side of town from the restaurant where it was stolen and the only thing missing was my wallet (that would be wishful thinking to hope it would still be there) and my English grammar exercise book (which was laying on top of my wallet so I think it got tossed just because it was in the way). So we now have two sets of car keys (at 168 a pop those suckers are expensive) and I have my favorite bag back. The recruiter said that when he went into work Monday morning it was just sitting there. Lord knows how long it was sitting there. He found the address to my parent’s house in my “brain” (a little notebook where I jot down things I need to remember) and recognized it right away. So we didn’t have to call the locksmith to replace the locks to the house or go to the post office to have them change the lock on our box- both things I am grateful for.
Anyway, back to the story.
So after the call that we weren’t approved we were on our way back to Chevy to get my Grandmother’s information from them and passed the Dodge dealership and they were having a sale. So my dad pulls over and we go look and see what we can find. We (the Hubbs and I) decided that we wanted a bigger car because our little car could only hold the two big dogs in the back seat- which isn’t a problem unless we are going somewhere. We started out in the new lot but quickly discovered that those were a bit too much for our price range. I’d worked the numbers the night before and had a hard line on what the monthly payment would be so we went to the used car lot. There were good deals in there but my concern was both price and mpg. Gas isn’t cheap anymore, especially for larger vehicles. I was getting a bit discourage and we were running out of time so we were on our way to test drive a Jeep Patriot when we passed the SUV that would be ours: 2008 Chrysler Aspen. She had 45k miles on her and in the end we got her for a base price of 19.9 (of course with taxes and fees it was more like 23k). She is a whole lot of truck and has all the amenities so we were all about that deal. I mean I bought my car brand new with all the extras and that ended up being 18.9 so the upgrade wasn’t bad. We were able to finance under both our names and though we have a pretty high interest rate with Capital One Auto but that was expected. I figure in a year we can refinance with USAA for a much better rate.
So we finished at the dealership around 7pm CST and drove home so we could pack, eat and get moving. We only had to fill the tank before we left and it would carry us all the way home without having to stop at a gas station (usually we have to stop once and end up home with just barely enough gas to make it to the gas station). So we hit the road and things were going well until we got past Hobbs, NM. As soon as we hit the mountain it began to snow. I’m not talking flurries–I’m talkin full on snowing. There were cars stopped by the side of the road- I assume to wait it out- but they didn’t see that their tires were almost half covered in snow. I have no idea how those people got out of it (I am sure digging was involved). Pretty soon it was just me and this 18 wheeler. The man driving was sooo helpful! He was basically cutting a path for me through the mountain pass. If there was an area that was a bit hazardous he would flash his breaks at me three times then wait for me to catch up to him. Seriously, at points we were going like 5-10 mph. So we get through the mountains and he pulls off at a truck stop and I kept on going. The snow had let up so I thought we’d be good for the rest of the way.
Boy was I wrong.
We go about 10 miles and it starts snowing really hard again so I am back down to 10mph. There were points where we wondered if we were even on the right road (one of the down sides of taking a back-road shortcut) since all the signs were covered with ice and snow. It was a relief to pull up to one of the outer towns of El Paso and see something that I recognized! Still snowing pretty hard though and by the time we got to the road where we pull off to get home I couldn’t even see the street: it was just a blanket of white. Since we knew where we were though we just did what we had been doing: pushing forward.
We pulled into our garage and when we got out we saw just how much snow we had accumulated. Thank God we had the truck because there was no way we’d have made it in the car. We pulled in at about 345 in the morning when we should have been home like at midnight. The man had to be at work at 530 so I didn’t even get much sleep.
So good and bad came from the whole thing. My mom called me a weirdo cause I am not particularly excited or happy that we have another vehicle. I told her I’m happier without a car payment and the extra insurance cost. We are going to be seriously strapped for cash until we move to Ga and I can get a job to cover the truck payment. I also don’t know what we are gonna do about money for moving since we still have to pay for gas and lodging not to mention deposits and such when we find a place. All I can do at this point is pray that people are feeling generous and send us money for Christmas- substantial amounts. Anything would help of course, since I know so many in my family who have to buckle down on the finances because of the economy.
My Dad says that I worry too much and I think he’s right. I can’t not think about it though.
Oh I should probably mention that my mom thinks we will now get pregnant on our own because we have something new in our lives. I told her that I don’t think an SUV is gonna unblock my tubes. She believes it though so I told her to keep on keeping on. I am far too pessimistic about any chance at a unassisted pregnancy- deservedly so I believe. So I’ll keep my pessimism and everyone else can have their optimism. I figure that that should off set things. At least now we know we have plenty of room in the car for the dogs and a child or two (or even three since the armrest in the back pulls up and has another carseat anchor.
Man, I have to get to school work so I’m gonna have to take on Tuesday through Saturday (today) in another post.
Happ-Happ- Happy BLAH
Interesting title right? I came up with that one all on my own. So I am home visiting the fam (if you read regularly then you know) for Thanksgiving, my birthday, our Anniversary and my sisters wedding. It has been a pretty full week.
I’ll have to get into the specifics of that later 🙂 It isn’t all bad. It’s actually been pretty good for the most part. I do have news regarding the baby… right now the court is allowing A____ to keep him provided she is supervised- which my mom and Tia are completely willing to do. We are, however, going to be the baby’s guardian/god-parents so if anything happens the baby will come to us. We are pretty excited and it was my cousin A____ who asked us and it was her idea. So knowing that the baby is being looked after is comfort.
So yesterday my sister got married. It took everything I could not to cry and I was successful. I really like my new brother-in-law and now we have more Filipino’s in the family. So we went to Chili’s for the reception/dinner.
Things were pretty crazy so I grabbed my big bag and threw everything into it- make up, wallet, school book, lip balm, toothbrush and toothpaste. I have this really uber cute clutch that I was using so thats what I brought with me into the restaurant (which shall remain nameless.
Anyway, my bag was stolen from my Dad’s brand new car- that they bustedd the passenger-side window. So now I have no access to my own money. I should also probably mention that my power steering pump has died and now it sits outside- unable to go in any direction that is forward and backward. Not to mention the only key we have for the car was in the bag- a key that requires programing. Its not a cheap replacement.
So now I have to deal with trying to remember what cards may have been in there… I had my check book, bank card, and social security number which of course means that the bank and the SS office are the first trips after we pick up the dogs for the kennel- which should be interesting as I have no access to money or credit.
Why do these things happen to me? Is there some sort of lesson I’ve not learned that means I am continuously being taught “lessons”.
The Referral Drama
Well apparently they are still gonna have to send me to Wilford Hall in San Antonio. The GYN here is refusing to take me on as a patient. Whenever they call me I have to go for orientation… its supposed to be within 30 days but the case manager said that with the holidays coming up I wouldn’t get my phone call until next year. I have no idea why I have to go to this because I won’t even see a doctor or have a consult. The earliest they’ll see me is May 2010.
Then there is the whole moving issue. The case manager gave me the number to the hospital at Ft.Stewart but naturally no one answered the phone so I am gonna have to try that again probably later today (seeing as it is past midnight). Sigh…
And my mom has bought me fertility tea.
And my mother in law is telling me I don’t pray enough about it.
And I swear if I hear one more “well so and so tried for blah blah years and she got pregnant”….
I may just go all mental
Up… and Down… and Up… and Down
My referral case worker called me at the beginning of this week. She asked me if anyone had called and informed me of the decision regarding my infertility. I told her that aside from telling me that I was denied both MTF and outside GYN I hadn’t heard a thing. She mentioned San Antonio and sending me over there (how is it they deny me a physican in my city and then want to send me across the state? Being Texas- that is quite a ways) to see their GYN dept there and my wait time is 7-8 months.
She then reviews the details of my file and asks me some questions about time and all that. Told her the whole sob story (well I didn’t sob and was quite to the point). That I am on my 58th cycle since we started trying. I already did a six months of clomid- three at 100 mg and three at 150. She asked me if I was in my 6th cycle and I explained to her we did three months, a break cycle for my trans vag and HSG, then three months. My last cycle was clomid #6 and currently in a new cycle.
She then says to me that she is going to try and get the GYN dept here to take my case (because I have already been through clomid she said. I personally think she has no idea whats going on) and it would be a month wait. I informed her that we have orders…
OHH right…
I didn’t say here…
We aren’t leaving here in February. We’ll be gone by mid-January (at this point). That means that I have only December since I am already just about half way through this cycle- provided I pop an egg in a reasonable amount of time. When we move we’ll be leaving Tri-Care West and headed into Tri-Care (whatever it is in the east coast region) and its basically switching insurance. There is a different referral processing center, the network of doctors are different, etc.
If we are lucky (which we have already established based on past experience isn’t the case) I can get into GYN here, get protocol and be midway through my cycle before we leave. Then maybe I can get set up with a doctor over there (I have no idea if there is a MTF or if we will be free to pick our own like we could in Atl) for the end of the cycle.
You know- the 26th it’ll be five years of being on this road. Tomorrow will be a year since the Asiana situation.
ARGH… I wish they didnt’ want my sanity so badly.
Eye Fatigue
I don’t know what is goin on but yesterday and today I have major eye fatigue. I am not entirely sure that it is a cause – more likely a symptom. I am hoping that the CFS doesn’t flair because it will make life miserable. I have school to focus on and believe it or not the house is benefiting because I only break school to work on house chores.
I think this is my shortest post ever!
but… my eyes are tired.
You know…
You know how sometimes something in put into your life and it takes a few days to process?
Well I got a phone call from my mom last Thursday ( I believe it was) that put a rather difficult situation directly into my lap.
My Aunt O called my mom. Her daughter (my cousin) A__ gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy in October- about two and a half weeks past his due date. Everyone assumed things were going well but apparently my cousin is neglecting Little Man (LM for the rest of this post). It came to my Aunt O’s attention when on Sunday (I think) A__ called her at the last minute wanting her to babysit. A__ wanted to go out and party. Aunt O asked A__ what she would have done if she wasn’t available and A___ said (according to Auntie) that she would have just left him.
There in the house.. all by himself…
At this point the anger in me was a tightness in the center of my chest. I don’t understand the mentality. This is the cousin I mentioned at the beginning of the year who found out she was pregnant with twins by a man who is a married illegal alien while she was in jail for violating her parole. One of the twins passed early on.
This statement brought to mind (for both my mom and my Aunt) instances where they saw A___ without LM. There is at least one occation where no one knows with whom LM was while A___ was out visiting family.
Auntie asked A___ point blank about it and A___ said that if she (Auntie) wanted LM she could have him. The father of LM said that if Auntie didn’t want him and A___ didn’t want him then he would send the baby to his mother in Mexico.
Catch all that? Do you understand the feelings I had about the whole situation.
Anyway back to the story. So Auntie called Mama and told her everything that had happened. Auntie is already taking care of her other daughter’s children and can’t handle a baby right now. She called Mama to ask her if she would be willing to take him in, but Mama is dealing with my sister being pregnant and having to live in a smaller house than they were in last year. So Mama called me.
I’m sure you know what she asked. I told her that I would have to talk to the Hubbs and when he came home we did talk about it.
We talked about if we wanted LM just because we are so desperate to be parents and found that while it is there ( how can I deny that after trying all this time?) first and foremost is LM’s safety and future happiness.
So I called my Mama and told her that if A___ truly and honestly doesn’t want LM then we’ll bring him home with us when we go back for Thanksgiving. We’ll have the papers drawn up for termination of rights.
Mama called me on Friday to let me know that she passed the info to Auntie that we’d be willing if A___ is serious. The only provision we have is that we will only take him if she completely terminates parental rights. If she isn’t then Mama will take LM.
We can’t raise a child as our own with a cloud overhead. Wondering if A___ is going to want him and be able to take him away. My heart can’t handle that. I am still not over Asiana being taken from us on a technicality. I still wonder every day if she is okay…If she has friends…if she is enjoying kindergarten…if she is loved enough.
Auntie O was supposed to sit and talk with A___ over the weekend. I am not sure what is going on at this point. I am still a bit numb. And now I am even more apprehensive about this trip home.
Rejected
I got the phone call today that I was denied my GYN request.
I called my primary and told her- she’s gonna call the referrals dept. and give them “a piece of her mind”.
I don’t think it matters if she fights for it. The Hubbs starts out processing in January and we are leaving in February.
This cycle is already shot for any kind of “help”. So that leaves us December and part of January- and even that is iffy.
My ovulation seems to have ceased (or at least become rather difficult) on my own so reasonably this cycle could be 50+ days.
If my primary gets this appt for me outside the MTF I know that I’ll be able to end the cycle (relatively) quickly- but- who knows how long that is gonna take. I mean I’m still waiting for cardiology to call me about my TTE to check my heart structure. I think that is pretty important and its been since April I’ve been waiting.
Cycle 58/Happy Halloween
Happy Halloween to me!
Here.
All by myself.
With the dogs.
I finally finished my Old Testament paper a few hours ago. I was thinking about coming straight over to the blog but to be very honest I was just tired of typing! I really had a hard time with this paper. I think that because as I went along I had the feeling that the subject matter would be better addressed at the end of the class instead of the beginning. Anyway no matter cause I totally BS’ed my way through and even to surpass the minimum word requirement by a good 600 words. We’ll see how that works out.
As far as my English class goes I am completely frustrated with my professor. I am still waiting on a reply from my email I sent in the middle of the week that has to do with my work submission. He hasn’t posted any other contact information so I can call his office or anything. Yesterday I don’t know if I said it but I did file a complaint with the school. I don’t want to be that person but you know its money and its time that I am losing out on when the teacher isn’t doing his job.
The issue is moot now though because I upgraded my OS from Vista to Windows 7 and with it came a trial pack for the Microsoft Office suite! Now (again I don’t know if I mentioned it so I am going to mention it again) I ordered the software from the school bookstore but apparently there is some issue with my student verification so they can’t send it out until its all cleared up. I swear if the discount weren’t a couple hundred dollars I swear that I would just cancel the order and get it from Best Buy or Target! Anyway, so now I can actually do the assignment and not get docked because he can’t open the file- which wouldn’t surprise me.
I must say though that it will be interesting trying to diagram a sentence on the computer.
OH I got an offer in my email for one of those electronic pads. You know the kind where you can write and it comes up on the screen? Only 79 dollars.
Man I wish we had 79 dollars!
Oh my doctor called me and said that she put in a referral for Dr. N as an outside provider. I am not too optimistic about that getting approved. By the time it does get approved (if it does) this cycle will already be a bust. So that leaves December, January and February. I must admit though that there is this tiny tiny seed of hope that I will get these chances- even though I have no idea what the protocol will be since Clomid didn’t do anything to help. I do have my reservations though about cycling during the Christmas season. I don’t want to be a scrooge (speakin of which I can’t wait to see the new Disney movie with Jim Carey).
I am going to go read my book for a couple hours then grab some ZZZ’s. I so totally need to do the laundry tomorrow as well as sweep and mop the kitchen before the Hubbs comes home and makes it worse than it already is at this point.
Hope you all had a great time today- be it Halloween related or not 🙂
Brain Dump
For some reason I have too much static in my head and trying to write my papers for my classes just isn’t working for me. Right now it is 11:35 at night. I need 750 words and I am stuck at 250. I figure if I just dump my thoughts I can clear up some room up there.
It is harder than I thought it would be going back to school. My brain is out of practice- seriously.
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We didn’t qualify for a morgage so I don’t know what we are going to do as far as housing in Georgia. That really was a disappointment. The Hubbs credit score was a couple points shy of the minimum. My score more than meets the standard but since I am not working I am considered as not having an income. I can’t count his income as my own even though we are married and have been living on his pay for almost five years now. I don’t understand how every other kind of loan you can co-sign and apply a spouses income. I must say that I feel frustrated. And worried. I didn’t want to have to wait until we got there to find a home but I don’t see how we can do it another way. When we moved here it took us 3.5 weeks and a full paycheck to find a house and a home-owner that were willing to allow our dogs. We do have friends that we will probably be staying with until we find something but that is still going to cost us money. The deposits for the dogs- if we find anyone willing to allow them- are going to be somewhere in the 750 ballpark. Now even though it is about four months until we move, money isn’t a huge issue that we have to worry about because my Grandma said she’d help us out with moving money. To try and not depend on that too much we are going to be saving all the extra money that will be coming on the side in the coming months. My birthday is coming up as is our anniversary. Christmas and his birthday. Money is usually what we get from the few people who actually send us something. He also has his clothing allowance that is supposed to be for new uniforms. He will be using part of it to actually buy new Winter PT uniforms but his ACU’s are gonna have to make it another year. Whatever is left over will go into the moving fund. Oh and they’ve been screwin up our pay since May as well. The Hubbs spoke with the Sgt Major and he was told that once the paperwork is done we’d be getting a back pay check- which should be a good amount. That was last week. Today was payday and whatever the issue was it hasn’t been fixed yet. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t our grocery money- and we aren’t willing to be missing or skipping bills- even though we’ve had to reduce payments to the variables. My student loans went into deferment this month so a large part of that money will go toward the move. Our tax refund will go into the move as well.
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I am getting more and more unable to handle my sisters little pregnancy quips that she posts on FB. In fact I absolutely hate seeing them. I don’t want to deal with it at all. I would prefer to pretend that I didn’t know she was pregnant. We are going home for Thanksgiving and I just don’t know how I am going to handle that- seeing her. I just don’t understand what reasoning there is that while my dreams are crashing down around me she gets everything I so badly want. I don’t want to be at her wedding.
It’s my week dang it!
I feel like I am just invisible and I’d just like to be seen. It has always been my week because of my birthday and then our wedding being the same week. She had to set her date right smack in the middle of it all. Literally in the middle of it all. Her gender ultra sound is the 23rd. She set her wedding the 25th. My birthday is the 24th and our anniversary the 26th. I have never in my life been jealous of my sister but the big green monster sure has taken up residence with the resentment bug who is on an overdose of bitterness. If I could drink at this point I would probably be all about it but the most I can do is drown it in coffee- which is nothing. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean I was successful in avoiding my sister-in-law completely during the last 2/3’s of her pregnancy with Az. I mean yeah I was at the wedding but she was barely showing at that point.
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The Hubbs is in Jacksonville this week so I am home all by my lonesome with the dogs. His best friend got into a really bad motorcycle accident yesterday afternoon. He has broken bones and head trauma. By the time I went to bed very early this morning – around 130- he still had not regained conciousness. Thankfully by the time I woke up James has woken up and was speaking clearly- which was in doubt. The doctor’s said they consider it a miracle that he is coherent with the head trauma he suffered.
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I am pretty sure I will be avoiding FB the next couple days. I am not in the mental place required to endure children in costume pictures or status updates saying how much fun their kids are having. yada yada yada.
Clomid Round 6: WTH?!
Remember how, in the last few posts, I have been saying that this cycle is wacked out?
Well now it isn’t just my body that is messed up but these people at the hospital/TMC!
Ok, I think I may have mentioned that I called on Monday to request a phone consult with Dr.N because my cycle seemed to be going the way of annovulatory. If such was the case then I just wanted to start the provera because I want to have as many possible cycles between now and when we leave to go back to Georgia. Phone consults are supposed to be answered within 72 hours.
On Tuesday afternoon I called to confirm that my request was still active. I did the same on Wednesday (the day I should have been called by) and Thursday. I called around noon today to demand why I hadn’t gotten a call back. It isn’t as though this is something that can be answered at leisure- its freakin time sensitive!
I must say that I have not been thinking good thoughts about Dr. N but this morning I realized that she has never not answered a phone consult request within a few hours. There was something going on.
I waited for almost 45 minutes on hold. Then they transfer me to the nurse and she asks me what is wrong. I said to her that what was wrong is that I haven’t heard from my doctor in a week and I want to know what is going on with her. She asked someone and didn’t put her phone on mute as she asked.
I hear that “Dr. N is no longer seeing patients at this facility”.
Jaw drop!
How have I called four days in a row and NO ONE inform me that my doctor is no longer practicing with Bliss/WBAMC?
Why didn’t I get a phone call telling me that they were no longer providing her services? It isn’t as though I am a new patient, I’m her first freakin patient at WBAMC!
So anyway, the nurse comes back on the line and all she says to me is “Dr. isn’t available. What can I help you with?” So I tell her that I haven’t ovulated and she heard that as I haven’t started yet. So she asked me “Could it be that you are pregnant?”
UH.. no. I can’t be pregnant if I haven’t ovulated. She asked me how I knew that and I told her that I have been tracking my cycles for four years at this point- we’d been trying for almost five years- and I know when I ovulate. She asked me how and so I told her I do my temp, cervical mucus, cervical position occasionally, ferning, opk’s, etc etc etc.
Figures they would give me a nurse who has no idea what I am talking about. She took down my information and my phone number and said that she was going to ask someone about it. I told her that my primary is Dr.D and it figures that she is out sick today.
So I am waiting for a return phone call. The phone rings and its the nurse. She tells me that she told whomever she spoke to that I had been on clomid for FIVE YEARS! So she tells me that whomever she spoke to wanted to know if I wanted MORE clomid.
WTH?!
Anyway she asks me if I want an appointment with a doctor and I tell her that I want to see Dr.D and not another doctor. So Tuesday morning I have an appointment to see her (I also have gained an ear infection in my right ear— fun times right?).
The bonus is that I have Dr.D’s personal number so you and I know that as soon as I hung up on the ignorant nurse (not generally ignorant- I am not so ungracious- she’s just fertility ignorant) that she was the next number I dialed.
Her reaction to me telling her was “No one called you?”.
Her answer to my question as to why Dr.N wasn’t there anymore didn’t really surprise me either.
Money cuts.
Of course this is strictly off record.
This year I’ve seen this happen in a couple of different places on post. New (civilian) doctor’s practicing a specialty have been let go. It happened at the physical medicine center (where I get my acupuncture done). Not my doctor but a few new doctor’s that were supposed to provide alternative treatments (like dietitians, etc) to round out the therapies provided. Money cuts mean that now instead of a “Physical Medicine and Alternative Therapies Center” it is just “Physical Medicine”.
So it looks like no matter what happened with this cycle this is the end of the road.
BIG PERIOD.
At War
WAIT!
DON’T GO ANYWHERE.
THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST…
Ok, so war. I am currently at war with my phone. This phone that thinks that it can hold my information hostage and keep me from answering phone calls. Or returning any phone calls that I have so-called “missed” due to its apparent disregard for my needs and feelings.
It has decided to yell at me at random times during the day. My alarm is set for 7 but it only goes off when it feels like it (usually in the time between 9 and 10 in the morning). It is not against going off again in the afternoon hours.
I want to throw this POS across the room and into the wall.
I am beyond frustrated and I hang my head in defeat.
Freakin technology…
In A Weird Kind of Place
First, clomid update: Still nothin goin on. I feel as though this cycle may be annovulatory because I am on cycle day 19 and no hint of ovulation. There was that teaser temp that shot up for a day but besides that I’m just chilling out in pre-ovulatory temperatures. I am gonna request a phone consult with my doctor and see what she wants to do at this point.
As for other news, I am still excited about our move. Still trying to learn about the buyers market before we go for pre-approval. I am in a weird kind of place. I am so very ready to not be here anymore, but at the same time I don’t want to miss Az’s first Thanksgiving, first Christmas or first birthday. If we stay here we miss Jaelyn’s first Thanksgiving and first Christmas. We’ll already be in Georgia when her first birthday comes along. Selfishly, I am already thinking of ways to talk my brother into becoming a Medic when he gets activated to go to boot camp. Then talk him into requesting Ft. Stewart- just so that we don’t miss much with Az.
We also are no where near ready for a move at this point, but like I said previously, we have that ready-to-go feeling.
Outside of all that there isn’t much going on here on my side of the world. I’m gonna leave y’all with Az’s 9 month picture:
Go Cowboys!
Go Red Raiders (Texas Tech)!
Facebook is like Quicksand
Ok so for the longest time I tried to stay away from the uber interactive games on Facebook. I mean, it takes long enough to get through the status updates of my friends, family and various causes that I have joined so adding games onto things would mean that more time would be spent doing nothing.
I blocked the Mafia Wars, the various forms of farmville, Vamps v Werewolves etc.
But then I decided to help a friend out and join her “neighborhood” in Top Restaurant.
Which then led to Restaurant City and then to Cafe World.
Sigh…need to pull away… I need to reclaim my time!
Clomid Round 6
So I am once again (fortunately) right on cycle with the calendar month! I like it because I don’t have to count the days really- and I can make my beta testing appt on the exact date the Doc wants.
So protocol this month is 150mg cycle days 4-7 (so I started yesterday) and a drop in progesterone suppositories mg (from 50 to 25).
I have determined (once again) that I am going to attempt to bring some other aspects of my life more to the fore front- hopefully bring in some lightheartedness as well.
Right now the biggest things going on outside of infertility is getting the G.I. Bill transferred over and waiting for MyCaa.com account to be approved (its a 6k grant for military spouses to gain or advance in portable careers). Teaching is pretty portable so hopefully I get approved in the next couple of weeks. The Hubbs has 2-3 years left on this particular contract and who knew that in order to transfer the benefits the soldier must have at least 4 years left in the contract? So this afternoon the Hubbs is going to the re-enlistment office and will hopefully be offered a bonus (cause we are seriously strapped for cash). He is willing to sign a 10 yr contract which would push back his retirement by two years- which isn’t too bad. If we get the bonus then we can kind of relax about getting the money for our moving expenses- which would be nice. Then it wouldn’t really matter how early they send us to Savannah- we’d have the funds there. Right now that is SO not the case! I know that the Hubbs is looking for anyway to get out of this unit, which includes asking for an early report date (in or before November- which would be crazy.
We’ll see how the cookie crumbles. Not really expecting much but hoping just the same.
I don’t know if I mentioned it in my previous post but my Big Daddy needed another stint in his heart last weekend. I was in Jacksonville and my Mama didn’t want me to worry so I didn’t find out about it until I got back home (like Wednesday). I am hoping that they don’t push back his appointment date from November. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did because they would use the reason of “he’s not healthy enough for surgery”. Well if he didn’t have to wait an extra 3 months for his kidney transplant (when they have the donor- my baby bro- and all the associated testing done). I personally think that the dialysis schedule and the drain that is on his body contributed to needing a stint.
Anyway on to less gloomy family issues: My brother and sister-in-law are hosting Thanksgiving this year! My sister-in-law is so excited and I am hoping that everything runs smoothly for her. Azuriah is growing and growing. She is beginning to teethe so a bit fussy but I have great pictures of her! I need to transfer those from my laptop onto this desktop (or edit this entry when I sign in with the laptop) because she is at her first tailgating party and in her costume for Halloween (a Monkey).
I think that is all for now. Simply because my eyeballs are beginning to cross.
Hope you all are having a relatively good day
Clomid Round 5: Conclusion/Random
My doctor called and scheduled me for a beta draw tomorrow morning. Just a few minutes ago I started spotting.
The kicker is that I still have to go get the beta done before I can get this last round of clomid.
That kind of leads into the news we got on Tuesday (just so you know).
October protocol is the same almost as last month: 150mg cycle days 5-9.
That will more than likely be the last cycle (though there is a chance that maybe we’ll get two or three additional cycles with different protocol).
November (probably the beginning) will be my lap.
December we probably will start packing and getting ourselves ready to move back to Georgia.
My husband was issued general orders on Tuesday and we’ll be going to Fort Stewart. No report date as of yet but a window of January 2010-April 2010.
Georgia (at least when we left a couple years ago) doesn’t mandate infertility coverage which is why when we were there we were never able to do ARTs. So the next few months is the last hurrah so to speak.
I’m not going to dwell on that though because I will be near people I know. 2 hours from my best friends. The Hubbs- his best friend was issued orders for Stewart and they will be there in November so he is REALLY looking forward to going back. 2 hours from our home church (less if we find something good south of the post).
After being so alone here in El Paso, I am more than ready to be near people who are excited that I am there. Who want me in their lives. People who care.
I didn’t quite realize how much until I went back these last couple of weeks. It was good to wake up in the morning and knowing that I had something to look forward to and people to talk with and laugh with and even argue with. I got to go with my best friend to try on bridesmaids dresses, help her size the most comfortable undergarments, take her measurements so her grandma could start sewing her dress. We even had a “cake trial” which was so much fun (a huge FAIL but fun none the less). I went to church, worked on Sunday School bus, and got to do visitation.
While on this trip I cut out my dad and his wife from my life. All the drama over all the years is just too much. She wanted to “talk” about the “issues” that was “driving a wedge in our relationship”. We’ve never had a “relationship”. Anyway, all that was code for “Let me tell you my altered version of history and inform you of how wrong you are”. The woman began this “healing” talk by calling my Grandmother a liar. Not wise to try and cut down the most important woman in my life. Continuing down that vein she then tells me that my Grandmother didn’t raise me even though she got me when I was 18 months and then again after my dad failed the second time. She tells me that my Uncle (who hasn’t spoken to my grandma for 23 years) forced her to get my brother and myself. After that she then informs me that my mother tried to kill both me and my brother while we were babies- which is so outrageous! I don’t even know where she came up with that- if that’s what my dad told her to make himself look better in her eyes. I don’t know.
Anyways, I told her and my father that I don’t need them in my life. That I feel it best for my own personal well-being that I not involve them and their issues into my life. I don’t need the frustration of being ignored when I reach out. I have my family: my husband, my mother, my step-dad (who treats me as a father should treat his daughter), my Grandmothers, my siblings (even when they drive me crazy), Aunts/Uncles/cousins, and of course my nieces. I have my friends who value me for what I am and who I am. People who don’t seem to set out to make me feel like less of a person, like the one at fault, etc.
You know, after those God awful 8 hours of listening to her try and justify her actions I feel at peace with my decision. It seems like I have shed 50 tons off my back. I can breathe. It feels good.
So for now I guess that is everything! Well, a summary of everything—
but wait…
School.
So I was supposed to be starting school on the 28th only with the transcripts getting there I didn’t need that class. So I get a month- the 26th is when I start now. In the first term I am taking on all of my English classes: ENG200, ENG201, ENG 25–something, and ENG3–something. Its kind of late and my mind isn’t remembering the numbers. I’m very excited to be jumping right into things! I’ll write more about that as the days go by I am sure!
Clomid Cycle 5: Limbo
So that is where I am. Cycle day 30, stopped my progesterone three days ago(last dosage was Sunday night), and negative HPT today.
Protocol this cycle was 150mg CD3-7 and Progesterone Suppositories after confirmation of ovulation (so three days- ovulation was CD 14).
Waiting on my Doc to let me know when I can go to the lab for a blood draw but she has been sick and unable to come in until today. So I understand that she is working with a back-log. Knowing that certainly doesn’t help the waiting though.
Every other cycle where I stopped progesterone my cycle ended within 48 hrs.
Tomorrow I plan on posting all about my trip to Jacksonville, some family issues, as well as some really good news we got yesterday (though it will affect our infertility coverage)! Oh and I can’t forget about school news as well!
Compelled
Today I feel compelled to make a post. One to add to the many made in remembrance of 09-11-2001.
I won’t be able to write much because I don’t think I have quite dealt completely with what happened on that day.
I remember that I was in Florida- just getting out of my English 101 class and driving to work at the Naval station. The panic and almost frantic reaction that turned my car toward home. Calling on my cell to see if my Grandma was alright, if my family was okay. Over and over again- dialing any number that might work. The not knowing how my loved ones were. The fear for my uncle who serves in the NYPD. The wondering about childhood friends. Even now, I think about it and my heart jumps into my throat and I have a moment of being unable to function.
I don’t remember how my oldest brother reacted or how my dad reacted. Here were my priorities: My Grandma was and still is my anchor and all that mattered was that she was okay. My other Grandma lived (and still lives) in Manhattan with my Great-Grandma and Great Uncle. I have cousins and aunts and uncles scattered over the boroughs of New York City. It was days before we got word of how anyone was doing. Days before we found out if anyone we knew was gone…
Only one is gone …was never found…
Since that day I haven’t ventured to the footprints of those buildings. I can’t handle that while it still sits as a scar. I tried once in 2002 and just approaching that part of town was too much.
So I haven’t forgotten and I don’t think I ever will. I have these feelings locked away- not solely as a memory but as a kind of pandora’s box. Those feelings are still undiluted by time or distance. Undiluted by political issues. Undiluted by the service of my fellow military friends, family and husband- who have served multiple deployments.
Short and Simple
At this point all I can say is:
I wish I didn’t have this desire to be a parent, a mother because then I’d have saved myself a whole lot of heartache.
Living A New Life .... 
