Balancing the scales

This past few weeks has been a horrible one for me.
1. At work, i give my best whether the subject of interest is technical or non. Because i learn to humble myself to do things as easy as administrative things out of my scope. When secretary is busy, i type my own letter, when there's lack of draughtperson, i run my own Autocad and draft the engineering drawings myself. when the runner is busy, i'll run up to the management floor and get the letters signed myself. Even the GM asked me, why are you doing all these nonsense? ask the respective person to do this lah.

TEAMWORK.

something i learned out of DotA and football.
I learned that most the time it is not who scores the goal that matter, the subject of interest is that We Score.
It is not who contributed in delivering good result, but that We Deliver.
It doesn't matter who did the best job (not to me atleast, i find no value in arrogant people ), But we come together and neglect our circumstances, filling in to our fellow's weakness and press on to what matters.
And the most important of all, i don't need people to notice that. Because i give all so sincerely.

But truly, i know i'll go far in my career despite not knowing what is it worth doing unappreciated things for people who couldn't be concerned about basic productivity.

2. Family -
I'll just let things speak for itself. I don't know what else i can do or not do.


3. Relationships
Perhaps being good in technical stuffs has the down side of it. I am never good with people. not as much as i wish i am. But i cherish people more than material and my career. Yesterday i browsed thru some old pics to see how 2012 has been good to me. In the early of the year it has been very, very excellent. I took dad for a trip in langkawi, with my hard earn money and looking forward to more. And scrolled through more pics i saw myself going out with some friends for a movie: Underworld awakening. Then i found myself staring at the pic and i paused to think what happened to that friendships? Why did things had to turn out sour when friendship gets more closer? I spent sometime thinking, if it was my problem?I don't Rat around about other friends or gossiping bout their bad habits and believe me, i'm a person who speaks with sincerity. Times when we feel insecure about our looks, i don't call you beautiful as a consolation attempt or flirting intentions but because i see the beauty in you that you are unable to. I guess it just don't apply in this society and generation anymore. Perhaps it's just not 'cool'.
People think i hint about them and send me long sms'es after reading blog posts. (I don't hope same goes for this) But has it ever cross our mind that it's because they matter in my daily affairs? How many people mentions you in their blog post? all the more to even to have cross their mind. As much as work and family is concern, they make a part of my life too.

Back in Oct during Sidney Mohede's appearence in GTPJ, pastor sidney with true worshippers gave an outstanding performance for God. In his following message, Sidney asked the GTPJ's YA a very simple question. "How many of you love God?" everyone, including me of course, raised their hands with no surprise. Then Sidney asked again: "Wow, praise God for that. How many of you, love God more than Anything in this world?" Everyone left their hands hanging with confidence. But I shallowed my right hand and sunk it. Because i know very well i'm not able to meet the First and Greatest Commandment , to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  I know very well i don't.
Because despite devotions, prayers, givings, discipleship and servanthood i admit i'm lack of it. 

Alot of people make money their graven image, but i don't. I let relationships took that image and of course, disappointment comes. 

I have confidence financially because of the wisdom God has provided me to earn them in God's way and to manage them wisely. I don't have the confidence in finding trustworthy and faithful people. Cause i thought i found it once through God. Hence it lacks till today. Because i mistaken Rubbish with Treasure.

A person once said i'm an express guy. Despite denying it, yes i agree i was. hence i ended up where i am today. But i don't feel sorry for myself today. not even abit. We always evalute a person's strength by their physicality. But it was the smaller sized that encouraged me by their life testimonies. Not the 'Hulks' in the gym. Perhaps it's what makes you.. YOU. 

I can't find the balance of being an ethical engineer, a responsible son and most importantly, a strong believer, servant at this time being. To be honest, i find it almost impossible with people walking in and out of my life at current state.

 I want to be a testimony for you God. I will uphold my entrusted task and responsibility at the best of my will for i know the best is for those who persevere. God, help me.

Perhaps

Perhaps she might just notice me.
Perhaps she might just make an exception,

Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart. 
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it. -|Psalm 37: 3-5

In a hall full of pretty girls, you're the only one who swept me away with your smile. 

Perhaps she will never notice me..

=)

*smacks forehead

 Way Back in August, i just found out in CT CG that Fred actually is a florist (shameful of me not to know Fredy so well :S but how cool is that, florist! ) that very day i told myself, hey I MUST make plan for October. So i made the plans, talked like normal, acted i didn't know what's going on for Oct... Den.. two months just passed so fast.. And It's October edi. den few days down the line... it was the day i planned for..  Ze silly part was? i hesitated. i didn't know should i, or should i not? .. and.. just a wish text? er.. Then i saw that.. picture.. that someone else has took the step because i hesitated... and i didn't want my close friend to be a postman.. so.. its okay... :( even it's not.
*smacksforehead

As continued

Dear friends, Thank you for your prayers and support. I have been receiving alot of encouragement from alot of people. Especially those who prayed for me, you know who you are. Because i don't. And i thank you for your sincerest blessing on me.
I know alot were pretty shocked to read what i typed in rage and disappointment. I tell you the truth, i still am.
But it wasn't anyone's fault, neither was anyone being a burden in my life. Yesterday, on my way to church in the afternoon i drove past a really deep puddle of water which i didn't see in the midst of heavy pouring.
Right exactly after the puddle, i knew something bad was gonna happen. True enough, i was right. The engine suddenly shut off of while i was on 80 km/h infront of southgate, Sg. Besi. The car went gradually slow, power steering died as well as the engine wasn't active. The shocking part was, i was in the fast lane.
But i have to say, by God's mercy i can still type to you here :) i steered from one end to the other end of the lane and didn't get many honks. I opened the front and i looked in it with a big sigh. Holding an umbrella, under the rain. "God, why me? i just wanted to go help out in adore cz they really need people to.. " i muttered. Within minutes, i somehow turned the key not knowing it wasn't something big. And .. yay :)

In church, i reached about afternoon and Alvin & Amos told me we're done for the day, nothing much to do.. so as i expected. They left and i was on the ground floor sitted on the row chairs with my elbows rested on my knees position. But i wasn't praying. Then came uncle Peter, we had a very casual chat and asked how are things, how's ur worship backup and etc. Then the topic diverted to adore. i told him every single thing i am unhappy with on the level of commitment that has been put in. (I strictly am not implying on anyone or judging because i have nothing against anybody. I just do not like wasting everyone's time and i do my best when i want it done). The conversation lasted for almost an hour and i realised one thing.. i carry a burden i didn't have to. I carry people's burden and suffering without knowing it. No, i'm not self praising but truth is, i didn't know i took certain things which is out of my scope or territory into my concern. I am not even in the organising committee, yet why do i care bout how are things gonna work out on Saturday?
Are people coming? has the college all heard of it ? are the ushers briefed? are the photos up? have the practiced enough? is it gonna bless life like years before? or is it gonna be the last adore?
Over the past few days, despite being so hectic in work i couldn't help but to ask myself those questions.
Because in adore 2009, i accepted christ but i didn't dare to raise up the hand when Ruth did the alter call. And.. during the pre-adore Bash, i sat on my rubick's cube game station and looked around shalom hall, i told myself "How good if i were be able to serve in this church" i tell you.. thinking back i am so grateful being in a comfortable church with alot of support and readily available materials and to receive. That is why, i felt that God, i know you're not looking for numbers, you're not looking for crowds.. i wish you would enlighten me to do what i am supposed to do this time around. It's not about the music or the tunes, not about freebies, never will be about fame, yet it's knowing that those thing exists because He has called them to be. I want this adore to bless a person atleast.. it means more to me than seeing people running around in train formation every adore. Thanks Uncle Peter. Let's keep adore in prayers and i will do my best this few more days.

Now to divert alittle bit from adore, As to why i am behaving weird and very weird lately.
 three years ago.. not only i did found Christ. But in the same event i met this girl. (yea, sensitive issue, thinking i will go emo emo again). YOU ARE WRONG.
It wasn't till 2010 CNY we started talking when i wished her happy cny on her fb. then came private msg, then exchange numbers and dala dala. Every single night we somehow talk for hours, and my phone bill went to a record of RM300 on average. (atleast 10 bucks per night). Then as the months came, we started seeing each other in Rock and one sweetest moment i will never forget is when we shared The bible together. 
Then came college, thats when i started screwing up. i asked her out. I didn't wait. why? because patience is always been one of my weakest attribute. But i never realised that the First attribute that God describes love is that Love is Patient. so yeah. I had the best few months ever in my life, finishing my bachelors in civil eng. An uncle called me to work with him in Singapore. So i went for an interview, in kiasuland.

"When are u kambing back? Did you get the job? waiting for your good news!"

"I don't want the job" (and those korean drama song plays, u get the picture)

And the first thing when i came back to Malaysia i went to her college to give her....

 It gave me a real future to hope for.. the joy of worshipping together, entrusting each other with secrets and.. i guess some form of intimacy ..holding hands. Then came 15th June 2010. I watched her walk into the gates of the college knowing things will never be the same. EVER.
And i drove to church in effort of making things right.. it was in the counselling room with Ruth and... well.
But thinking back, chinleng.. i really salute myself thinking why did i have the courage to go seek for apology and repented and to stop seeing her.. why? why i didn't insist, because clearly.. it seem more worth it as of now? because i was never brought up that way.

On a side note, (Daddy worked in KTM and being in a corporate gov organization during M's time, corruption started to make way in the early 90's. but Dad stood up and said no to them. That's why he drives a proton wira and not Beemer. Not only that, he suffered so many persecution in office because of those cronies. Dad didn't even get a rolex for his lifetime faithful service.) chin leng, keep reminding urself to love daddy more. it's all that's left!

Things has never been easy for me since that day. I couldn't pull myself together and go on and i had so so many people helping and drag me. Even one sunday Ps. Bobby trashed verbally on the staircase for.. God knows wad. but i hold no grudges :) And Matthew told me this, bro, take it easy, keep a distance and stop contacting her completely you will slowly let it go. trust me, after a month or two, you will be fine already. If you're reading this bro, sorry you are wrong :)

It's not funny, cz i knew myself too well i am able to hold on to things that long.  It's close to 3 years already.. i am still in the very past..  but everytime i look at her, i miss this innocent and good girl that i knew. This girl who worshipped on stage and the obedience in her. Then recently i found out she was living her dreams, achieving so much a normal student don't.
I can't be more happier for you, but it wasn't your skin deep beauty that i crave, not your fame, not your glamour and nothing you are now. because those things mean nothing to me. Then i realised, the girl i loved died. perhaps.. she never existed. or she's faded into the world.

And this couple of weeks.. i had dreams of this person again.. it hit me so hard that things in life started to fall apart again.. i started to dwell on how unfair, how unfair, how unfair.. people who wanted to make things right gets persecuted... but in struggle of swallowing this bitter pill.. i never, wish she would fall down. I never want to see her get hurt.
Last year's christmas week, i had a coffee session with someone whom i used to fear so much.. in starbucks. im grateful i have made a friend more than a foe. After finishing our last bite of free cake, she started talking about relationship in youths at our church.. somehow, it touched bout her. And said this one sentence that smacked me. "If only you have waited.. "
(i guess, yes circumstances might have been very different now right?)
Almost teared but didn't. cuz it didn't matter to me anymore.
I have had 2 good years in serving in worship backup and i have indeed learned alot :)

Eventually, it somehow did recently..

I am gonna be very honest in this public post is that i still, very much is emotionally attached to a girl whom i thought would come back to me if i had let her go. I am not saying in effort to try and get you back, but it's that confession is really good for the soul. And i never felt better being honest with myself.

 But did you know, when we start to dwell on all these things so long, we missed out on things that worth more to cherish? Took me years that I learned this week that it is TRUE. i didnt love my dad enough, didnt love my job and thankful enough and certainly i didn't have enuf self love till let myself depressed and exploded in my previous post. (we can only apologise but we can never take back what has been said, as claimed in the book of James that the tongue has to power to put life and death) even if I edit or delete it, we can't change the wounds people suffered from it. Speak wisely, it's a good lesson i learned again. Thank God i still am able to save those friendships.

to be continued again..

For what it's worth

I haven't been blogging for many many many and i mean many months right now. but i felt that this is a medium where i can rant my shit into things im unhappy with.

First of all, i had friends. those where we go Sister- Brother thing? don't we love them since highschool days? i never took them serious until i became a believer. because when i call you brother, or sister especially, i really mean it. i am not fooling around hoping it would turn into something fancy by being there for you. because i am sincere, that i realise it was a gift i am a person whom is true to myself and my feelings. Thanks to Ruth, i realised i have a gift/ a loss to some, but i don't consider the latter.

When one sister have emotional breakdowns etc, i don't take advantage of the situation but i am there to all who are really in need. It may be a burden to me sometimes, to be awaken in the middle of a night and to talk to people who hinted of doing stupid things. i remember i had a friend, to be direct is gay, and had relationship problems with another guy which wanted to commit suicide. i drove all the fucking way to wangsa maju despite having soil mechanics mid term test (or is it foundation engineering) which ever the fuck i don't remember on the next morning. And my CGPA was already rubbish, still i had to give shits about people who wanted to play drama with me because the boyfriend is in abroad. Obviously the friendship has dissipated after the incident.

Recently, i had a sister, whom, atleast called me a Brother so publicly and whom i expected nothing more from. It was really sad to see people who means something in your life to be hurt and having depression symptoms. so, i do what i believe, i'm called to do again. I don't expect much from being a friend, or a brother because i am greatful on times how God has place people, leaders and pastors in my life when i am so deep down the pit. Because from there, i learned to be independent and not call up Ruth or other people everytime i get stuck in life choices / problems. I learned to depend on God and His promises myself, not that i am very spiritual now but it has sufficed to last me to date. Because of these people, i saw God's grace, i wanted to bless people who really have NEEDS, not WANTS.

When i talk to you, sister, im not hinting or giving any subtle signal.
People tell me, don't hang out with her, she's gonna give you a hard time. What? your ex was her good friend? you should even more stay away from her, don't you know birds of the same feather flocks together??? u better becareful with her, she's not even worth a friend and this that yada yada.

And i replied to this person, i'm not here to judge anyone because we're all the same. It struck me and i started to elaborate on the parable of the woman committed adultery. which is more famous with the verse of "let he who has no sin cast the first stone". And i told this person, i am doing this willingly. Out of love.

I thought, it was easy but turns out it's hard to an exponential order. I didn't expect anything in return, but the response i receive was "affection" and false hope. i am not even interested in being in relationship with you, honestly. I care because i AM a merciful person and i feel really sorry for you. nothing more than that.
I really cherish friendships because i have lost alot of loved ones, by physical death and spiritual deaths too both of which, was my choice and mistakes. I gave up "Everything" because i was raised to do what is right, to honour parent's blessing. Because of this nonsense, i am who i am today.

Despite not judging this sister, not giving false hope and being patient, sleepless, falling severely ill and going to work the next day, the sisterly love that i had in return was sarcasm, harsh texts and mind games, which im not interested to entertain at all. Im not sure if it's the generation gap, but going thru this experience, i just wanna isolate myself from these things already. i thought it was what i was called to do all these while, turns out i was wrong. I don't wana care, anymore.

Adore is coming, less than 2 weeks and boy i can tell you... through out my entire university life observing events and preparations, i have NEVER seen such a horrible event preparation and effort such as this coming adore. i'd rather this event be cancelled with the amount of effort that has been put in because it's doing for the sake of doing. what's the point of drawing 1000 crowd if we're putting an effortless show? because pastor john asked for atleast 500 people?

We are asked to multiply, but we're definitely not called for MERE NUMBERS. church attendence has no meaning when people don't want to be there. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER THEM. God does not seek the givings or the worshiping but HE SEEKS THE GIVER , THE WORSHIPPER. I am happier to have 10 unbeliever who really love to see more of what gives us this passion to serve, rather than 1000 robots who are commanded to attend the service. I tell you the truth, my friends. I am tired of serving.
It will all be over soon, and i will do my best for adore 2012, because 3 years ago, this concert changed my life. And i will keep it alive, atleast once more. For i remember, it's not for me, not for klbc, it's for He who deserves it.

to be continued

Dream apartment - M-suite @ Jalan Ampang

one of the few suites i participated in designing
RM 450k perunit.
M-suite of Jalan Ampang / around KLCC

astounding interior design. awesome lighting.

The long wait

Meerrry blessed christmas to all =) the student is as busy as always (mind u it's my final semester)
some updates and some little things to say :


The xmas tree is a glittering, as tall and as beautiful as ever in the city of lights :)

My com broke down in a critical time, gave me a disasterous presentation slides. i got an early xmas prezzy :)Dad is another year wiser this december :) tho my family may be small but it's never less of <3

Went to Raymond and Benjamin's church for their xmas play.

x:


all these years, i've been waiting long. So much so i hoped i could graduate faster and earn for my family.. but things changed when im on the verge of reaching the finish line. I knew that there's no other blessing better than being a student. Year 2010 is approaching, as most of you have resolutions, wishes and to-do's. i dont. i hope that i could just stop the time right here. i wish feburary won't come. i don't wana say good bye. and i might not be sending you off because i know i wont be able to let u go. but it's just another silly wish =)
-Leng-