scratch the last post.. i have a car!!! haha life's getting brighter.. with different kinds of hiccups.. but fuck la.. tired of all this shit dy.. please throw me a straight ball.. a throw i can handle..

all seems well.. but at times, like these, i dunno what i want. i feel hollow. empty. alone. if only i had a car. wtffff

i can finally say that i am happy =)

im 22!!

another year has passed. swiftly. so fast, it felt like i've missed alot! anyways, happy bday to me! being 22 so far is a great feeling.. its nice to feel loved.. makes every tomorrow worthwhile =)

and half a year flew by..

anyone noticed its already 1st of july? half a year flew by. it felt like it was only a few months back that cny had passed. AGAIN, i looked back wondering what i've managed to do.. well, i've messed up last semester to be honest.. wasnt really proud with my results. too much partying i guess.. and the partying has made me lost the KGs i do not have! wtf right? alot of ppl said im skinny as hell and ya, I AM! lol i've been trying to put on weight  since i dunno when but every attempt failed. i eat more than i've been eating..slept early n doing all i can think off to gain my weight back, at least; the NORMAL way. 

other than that, i've met a few people whom im pleased im over n done with. i've never really expected someone so close to betray my trust.. poor u.. i may not fend my anger but i know how to do somethings people find hard to do. i can let go. see, i have already told u what i was capable off and u could still betray my trust. then again, another one has pissed me off alot lately, chances after chances, still he could not keep his work and at the same time continuing to lie to me when i already know what's going. i am no fool. i can be nice enough to give u lots but im also mean enough to take everything back. seriously a bastard child..

then again, on a good note, i hope things would be better off in the near future, im looking forward to moving to a slightly cheaper place. without air-conditioning and the very important water heater. HAHA well, i dun think those staying in the house deserve such luxury when all they do is mess up! but ya...i'll get to buy my own furniture and all now la...seems like im really gonna settle down in kl.. ;D

n ya...did i mention bout this girl i met? i know i did.. but ya! she's awesome! :D haha

urghhhhhhhh!!!

i know none of these shitheads read my blog so i can post freely here! well, lately i've been having a diff perspective of the people around me.. dunno why but im full of disgust! i'll tell u 1 thing. if u dunno how to show me that lil bit of respect, i'll take EVERYTHING BACK! this i tell u.. too bad u motherfuckers are mostly likely not gonna read this. i'll just do what i know im capable of doing. i'll just walk away! i've done it many times, effortlessly m dun make me do it. so dun do shit behind my back, or i'll show u what i can do behind urs. aren't i nice enough to u all? n u have the nerve to take that for granted. u wait i tell u... 

n dun play me for a fool...dun think i dunno what's goin on. I KNOW SHIT. but i prefer to keep quite. once i had enough, i'll make sure u have a hard time. but too bad u guys wont be reading this right? 

i hope i've showed enough temper for u all to understand what is goin on...but it seems  u all are plain dumb. seriously...i regret having u as friends. 

anyways....regardless of those useless people i deal with daily, i've finally met my girl!! all i can say that, im forever grateful to have her as my girlfriend. she just awesome the way she is. she's few years younger than me but very much mature. much much more than those assholes i have to deal with. forget the assholes... putting them assholes aside, i now have someone to look forward to and someone to keep me at the right track.. that's all i wanna share bout her for now.. ily baby...dun go breaking my heart eh ;P

where do i belong?

i cried..i did.. last night in fact. that gave me the sudden urge to just write. i dunno where to rant anymore. well, i dun anymore.. i have no place to run. home doesnt even feel lk home to me anymore. i can hardly share my problems. i dun think anyone would understand. im torn up.

there. i just randomly wrote what i have been feeling lately. and worst part i have no idea why i felt dat way. till last night. just thinking bout my dad tore me up badly. i wept instantly. i have not spoken to my dad in a really long time. so long, i could only remember i last spoke to him when i was back in kuching. im not sure but i think there's an misunderstanding between us and i just dunno what's goin on. i know i've hurt u daddy, but im sorry. i really am. i feel like shit when i have no one from home calling me to check on me. im still ur son daddy. dun u care bout me anymore? :( why dun u call me as often as before. when u dun call, i become afraid of calling home. and lately, i've been really missing u daddy, but i just dunno how to pick up the phone n dial ur number as freely anymore. i miss you daddy... i miss having conversations with u. i miss that u'll tell me the right thing to do. now that u dun call, i totally hav no one to confront during bad times. all i have is my own solitary space. i'd just sit and wonder what just went wrong. i feel lost at times. real lost. sometimes, i dunno what the hell im doing in kl. i dun even know if im studying what i want at times. im afraid of what the future could turn up to be. daddy, i need u. i try be as independent as possible. hell..i think i've been too independent. i still need u daddy... i just feel so long thinking back of what u said. i feel lk u've left me here stranded not caring bout me. u told me u were gonna support me in my studies. but why do i resort to doing bad stuff to support and fund myself. i know very well what im doing is so wrong. if i had a choice i wont do it at all.. but its what im good at. i can only count on doing that to survive. but then again im doing it. no matter what i have to fend for myself and to defend my actions, im still wrong. cos i already know i am. i feel like crap lately. daddy, i know our family is goin through hard times and u cudn possibly send what u promise u wud give me. i dun care bout money daddy! i u had given me the full amount, or een just 10 bucks, i wont complain. have i ever complained daddy? all this while, i;ve been taught by u to earn what i want. and i did. but u literally left me to earn everything for myself. haven u thought how i could ridiculously obtain lots of money? i dun even enjoy spending the money i make daddy. not if u knew where it came from. 

i used to want to go back home so often. i felt so at home back in kuching. i feel otherwise lately, when i go back, u dun pick me up anymore. u dun send me off anymore. we dun have dinner anymore. we dun even have a proper conversation anymore. am i not wanted at home? i feel lk i have no place to go dy. i miss u daddy... :(

she's a monster

damn stress to witness all that is to be given but cant be received. gibberish. fuck fml x10 now

i have the sudden urge to write a post. after reading eve's blog. i saw how much she could still write about her life, but i couldnt. im not as expressive as i used to be. i very much preferred it when i used to blog. id just let out my frustration and my thoughts on to this so called page of mine. and now? i just can seem to express myself like i did before. FML.


then again, i should probably share something bout what i feel lately. depressed. how so? i have feel that i have too many things to worry bout. goin through an emo phase now. sad thing is. i dun share shit i really feel to anyone. i just cant. too many secrets to hide. too many ppl's feelings to care bout. why am i liddat? why do i care bout my frens so much? so much i hardly get my peace of mind, my freedom; to do anything i want, quietly. i just want to. i have no one to count one. then there was this girl involved. yah!! a girl. she was nice. damn nice. too nice infact. showed how much she cared for me. pampered me. show me what it is like to be loved. problem is, i dun love her. i cudn giv in to her as much as i wud for my friends. so i just cudn keep dragging it on right? so i ended it. i felt really really bad. loved her. wasnt in love. wasnt happy. see the problem? then u know, collateral damage? fuck this shit seriously. other ppl get affected. and i dun wanna share this to anyone, why? cos i dun wanna cause a stir. things are good now. getting better. i've finally settled down. like i said with my friends and all. things are getting cheaper. and by things, if i have not mentioned, i am a consumer or marijuana. pot. weed. wad ever u call it. i am a pot head. weed has helped me in many ways. like when i cant sleep. like when i need to control take sudden outburst of mine. i feel more at peace with weed. and i have organized some things to secure my life of which i will tell about when im done doing it. probably thats why.  thats why i cant express myself anymore. too much at stake. one wrong move. all could be gone. i wud be gone. dat serious. can imagine? knot right? haih. but i cant share. i cant share so much, i've made this a habit. i became an introvert. yah!! when i realized that? just now! after i read eve's blog, i realized how much i've kept things inside me. been keeping it all. why? i cant trust a person enough yet to let them know whats really inside me. dats it la. dats bout all that explains me now. and for that, i feel lonely. after know what it felt like to have someone around. or simply just to have someone. yahhhh!! there u go again. but then i cant commit. yeay me :D bye