Yesterday was the boys' birthday.

I've been a mess all weekend. I kept having really vivid flashbacks to my time in the hospital when we delivered. The fear, the pain, the realization of what was happening. It was like I was there all over again.

I also had a really hard time being so far away from our families and the boys' grave. I guess I was afraid no one would remember except family. I was wrong. Our friends were amazing. We were surprised in the morning by two friends who showed up at our house with coffees and flowers. It was nice to have coffee and talk with them. Then another friend surprised me with coffee at work and all day the calls, texts, and facebook messages poured in. It was so nice to feel how loved our boys are, that they aren't forgotten.

My wonderful sister-in-law went to the boys' grave and spent time with them. It was important to me that the boys weren't alone on their birthday. She decorated their grave with flowers, pumpkins and gourds and sent us a picture. It meant the world to me.

I truly cannot believe it's been a year. A whole year since our world came crashing down. A whole year since the most bittersweet day of our lives. A year since we held our beautiful babies and said hello and goodbye.

Happy birthday Cal and Ben. You are loved and missed every second of every day.

One year ago today was the beginning of the end

We had just finished the nursery the night before. Cribs were set up (with bedding because I had to see it all together even though I knew it would all need to be washed again), walls were painted, closet was organized with diapers and wipes, big gear was stacked in its boxes in the corner where the glider would go, clothes were heaped on the guest bed to be sorted by size and put in drawers, heck there were even books on the bookshelf. Things felt good. We kept talking about what the boys would be next Halloween and where we would take them trick-or-treating.

Then I woke up Halloween morning and things didn't look so good when I wiped. So I called the doctor. He humored the newbie mom of multiples and had me go to L&D just to be safe. Well, turns out I was contracting every three minutes but my cervix looked good. They gave me meds to stop the contractions and decided to keep me over night just to be safe.

We still never thought we would lose them. We still never thought in less than one week our world would come crashing down.

Needless to say I'm struggling tonight.

Clarification

I just want everyone to know that I have nothing against medication. My issue is with someone suggesting to my husband that I need medication.

We are seeing a counselor every few weeks and I'm in close communication with my OB/GYN as well. If we were to discuss it and medical professionals were on board and I was on board. I would be all for it.

I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea that I think medication for depression or other mental health issues is a negative in any way. I feel that it can be immensely helpful and that it is a decision that a patient and their medical support team should make together.

People don't get it.

and it pisses me off.

I don't expect everyone to understand but I do expect the people closest to me to try. And I thought they did which hurts more, I think.

I've been really trying to reach out to my best friends when I'm upset. That's what they have said they're there for. I had a hard time doing that in the beginning but I've been doing it more lately. It was really helping to be able to talk about things that I was feeling with people other than Matt, my mom, or our counselor. It was really helping me feel less isolated about our loss.

This past weekend we were in Iowa City with all of my best friends for homecoming and we had a blast. We partied like rockstars. It was awesome.

Yesterday as Matt and I were driving to work he asked me if I was doing okay because my best friends had pulled him aside and told him that they had all talked and "thought I needed to be medicated to get over this hump". Insert shocked face and sounds here.

A. Who the hell are they to suggest something like that?! None of them has ever been through anything like this.

B. Why not just talk to me about it? Why go behind my back and then to my husband?

C. This isn't a hump I need to get over. This is my life. In a month my babies will still be dead. In a year my babies will still be dead. For my whole life my babies will still be dead. I am fighting everyday with that truth and trying to accept that.

D. Who judges a friend on how they are grieving the death of their children?

Needless to say, I'm feeling pissed. Really pissed. And hurt. And shocked. And betrayed.

I think I'm doing pretty fan-fucking-tastic with what life has thrown at me in the past year. I'm not perfect. Who the hell is? I have bad days. I have bad moments. I'm human. I'm a mother whose babies died.

But, I switched careers, started a new job, and have been working for over three months now. I'm working out and back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I've purged my closet of everything that doesn't fit right now which is kind of a step towards truly accepting my life right now. I've even started giving away some of the things we couldn't return that we have two of and will never need two of even if we have a take home baby. I'm getting up everyday and being productive. I'm enjoying my life on a day to day basis. I might not really like where we are in the grand scheme of things but I can appreciate that we have a pretty good life on a daily basis. (If that makes any sense at all) I'm trying to enjoy the little things.

Sure, I feel jealous of other people's pregnancies and healthy, living children. I'm not proud of it but I admit that it's my reality right now and try my best. I've even spent the afternoon with our friends who have twins boys that are two months older than the boys should be.

But guess what, my babies are still dead. That's with me every second of every day. I keep thinking that I should be picking out their first Halloween costumes instead of their headstone. I also keep flashing back to this time last year. How happy I was to be pregnant. How excited we were. How confident we were. How we were finishing painting the nursery and furniture and putting everything together this time last year. How last year at this time I flew into Chicago Midway airport, just like we did last weekend, pregnant and having our big shower. We had no idea what was coming.

All of this sucks. But I'm trying. You think I haven't thought about how much easier it would be to give up? You think in the darkest moments I haven't thought about taking the easy way out? But I don't. I choose to fight. Everyday I choose to get up and fight through this. To hope that there is a light at the end of all this. To believe that everyday I'm getting closer to our happy ending.

But you know what, even if we have a take home baby, Cal and Ben will still not be here and I will miss them everyday.

While this may not be normal to some and they might think I need to be medicated. This is my normal now. It's not always easy, it's not always pretty but it's my life.

October 15th

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I don't need a special day to remember. My babies are with me every second of every day.

There is so much that I want to say and simply can't. There are so many quotes I want to use (Elizabeth Edwards, Ronald Reagan, Elizabeth McCracken) and just don't have the mental energy to remember them.

Today I am sad and thankful. A weird combination, I know. I am sad that I am a champion for this day. I remember last year being pregnant and being so grateful for every second my babies grew inside me. I remember thinking about the losses others had experienced and being so sad for them. I never imagined I would be in this place one year later.

Today as I light a candle for my boys, my beautiful Cal and Ben, I think of all the angels playing with my babies in heaven tonight as we here on Earth grieve and miss them. I hope they can feel all the love pouring their way. I have been overwhelmed by text and posts of pictures of candles lit in honor of my special babies. They were here for such a short time but touched so many hearts.

I'm not sure if any of this truly conveys my feelings tonight. I'm not sure if any words truly can. My candles for my babies:

Sorry I suck at blogging

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. I'm sorry and I'll do better, I promise.

Here's the condensed version of the last couple of months.

Shortly after I last posted that FET cycle went down the crapper. My lining sucked worse than last time. They have no idea why my lining isn't responding. The cycle was canceled before transfer. Good news- we didn't waste an embryo. Bad news- no chance of a baby without transfer.

I'm kinda done. I have pretty much lost all confidence that I can get pregnant and stay pregnant. That being said, I'm more committed than ever to having a family, to being a mom. That's all I want now. I'm ready (I think) to begin exploring adoption more seriously. Matt isn't there yet. I'm not 100% there yet. So we're in limbo. Just waiting until a next step feels right.

We're also pretty tired of hemorrhaging cash for medical bills and infertility treatments. We need some time to get our financial feet back under us so we can move on more comfortably.

On a similar note, I went back to work. I'm not teaching this year. I'm just not ready to take care of other people's kids all day. I'm working for the same company that Matt works for. It's nice that we can ride to work together and have extra time each day to talk and hang out. We can also each bring one of the dogs which is awesome. It's nice to have the extra money and it's a pretty fun, laid back job. It's also nice to work with adults all day.

It's been a big adjustment going from being home all the time to working full time again. It was pretty overwhelming at first but I've settled into it now. We started a weekly cleaning lady which has been awesome. It really took a lot of the pressure off. We also started an every other week veggie and fruit delivery service. It's fantastic and really cuts back on trips to the grocery.

We've taken a couple of trips over the past few months. It's been nice to spend time with family and friends and get away.

The past few weeks have been a baby/pregnancy boom amongst our friends. It's been really hard for me and I really hate it that my friends' happiness makes me so sad.

I just want it to be our turn. I want to know when/if this is going to happen for us.

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary

I am thrilled to be married to such an amazing man. Though we have certainly had a rough year, I am very proud to say that we are stronger today than ever. We have turned to each other during our darkest times and worked incredibly hard to make it through this together. We are not perfect. We still have our rough moments and our hard days but under it all we are a team.

This past year was definitely not part of anything I could have imagined when we took our vows 4 years ago. While I am not at a point that I can be thankful for the positives that have come out of this, I am thankful that the man I married has exceeded every expectation I have ever had of a partner. He has been my rock this year and while I would never have wanted to go through this, I'm so glad I had him going through it with me.

When we took our vows and I promised before God to take him for better or worse and til death do us part I did not understand what worse really meant. I did not understand nor could I fathom that the death that could part us did not have to be our own. But it hasn't. We have made it through the worst and through death and we are still here. Still standing together. 4 years of marriage later and (as of tomorrow) 7 months since our world was shattered. We are putting the pieces back together. We are rebuilding. We are still here and still fighting together for our family.

In addition to my husband, 4 years ago today our family and friends stood by us and agreed with our pastor that they would stand by us, support us and love us. I don't think we or they understood just how much support and love we would need but they fulfilled that promise more than I could have ever imagined. Sure, not everyone who was there that day is still in our lives but the ones that are have amazed me in their capacity to love us.

Tomorrow I will cry but today I am counting my blessings.