This thing we call life....

Goodbye 2012...can't say I'm sad to see you go. Yes it has been a year since the last time I posted. Ironic that in the last post I put my life was dull and I had nothing to blog about...How I would give for that dull life, instead I don't blog because my life is too depressing to blog about. I have not even got on this blog in a year, and please don't be offended I have not looked at anyones blogs because in reality I can't see how perfect everyone elses life appears to be. The depression would be too much for me.

I started the year off pretty good. Landon and I found out we were expecting a baby...again...number 4 in December 2011. We were very nervous and reluctant to tell anyone because we had already lost 3 previous pregnancies and our hopes had been dashed again and again. A trip to a specialist in September wasn't too promising either.

So we cautioulsy went into this pregnancy. At nine weeks I started bleeding again, no surprise this had happened before and my OB was sure we were miscarrying again. So I went in week after week after week. Ultrasound after ultrasound and by some miracle my baby was still surviving. I had just begun to believe this baby was my miracle baby and he was going to make it and we would be a happy family when my husband passed away in late february. My life, dreams, hopes everything shattered and came crashing down on me. What was I to do now? My whole life was wrapped up in this person I called my best friend, my husband, better half, partner and soon to be dad. At a time I should be so happy and excited for life became so devastating. I wasn't even sure I could be a mom anymore at this point. But God had other plans for me and by some miracle my little one did make it. He was born August 18, 2012. He is the light of my life and truly the only that has kept me going these last 10 months. I truly don't think I would be alive today if it weren't for him. I would have given up on myself and life.

Yes 10 months I say...You are probably thinking that it has almost been a year I should be starting to piece my life back together. In reality I feel as if it happened yesterday. I still struggle to fight back the tears, I still sit in disbelief and awe wondering how I ended up alone and a single mother. I thought I would grow old with him. This past week I celebrated my 6th anniversary without him. I can honestly say it hasn't gotten easier. My little guy makes life bearable but just barely. I still feel like I barely can function from day to day and feel like I am sinking and sinking more all the time. I wonder...will I ever be happy again? Will I ever have something to look forward to? Goals? Right now I can only put one foot in front of the other and hope I continue to get up everyday and be able to be a good mom to my sweet angel boy. He deserves a good life so I have to be the one to give it to him.

So yes forgive me for being awol and truly I have debated even having a blog anymore. My life is not ever what I dreamed. I feel like I have had heartache upon heartache and just when you don't think life could possibly get any worse...the unimaginable happens. I pray and hope that somewhere in the future I can see sunshine and happiness again. I truly believe my angel boy Titan is a miracle and sent to me at this time for a reason.

So here is hoping for a better year in 2013...I really don't think anything could be worse or top 2012 but really I don't want to temp fate so I won't officially say that. So when you are feeling down or discouraged about your life, you can visit mine and hopefully feel better and blessed with what you have been given. Through it all I do know my savior lives and has been the strength and saving grace to keep me going. I have never felt more pain, sorrow, dispair or heartache but I have also felt the comfort from a loving heavenly father. Glad to know families can be together forever...but doesn't take away the pain or loneliness I feel now.

Update...Overdue

So I have been the worst blogger ever. Biggest reason I don't blog....um my life is dull and not much to blog about. But even when we have pictures like from our family vacation in August I still have not posted and now will probably not :( I have not even downloaded the pictures from the camera onto the computer. Tells you how totally lame I am!!

We did make a trip to Utah for Christmas which was fabulous. Wish we could have stayed 2 weeks at least...instead it ended up being a couple of days. The weather was great for us though so can't complain.

Winter was made it's mark here in Spokane. We have had a snow free winter pretty much until 2 days ago. The snow wouldn't be so bad if they had ever heard of something called a SNOW PLOW! Seriously the roads are crazy and coming from Utah we are not used to streets never being plowed.

Landon and I celebrated our 5th anniversary Dec. 29th. Love him more everyday! Can't believe it has gone by so fast...I guess depends on who you talk to :) We didn't do much to celebrate this year but hopefully we will be able to get away for a mini vacation soon.

Landon started his second Internship Jan. 9th. He is in an outpatient office and he is very busy!! His last internship (since I have not blogged since then) was in a pediatric office called Youthful horizons. It was a good experience but what he is doing now is more of what he would like to end up in. He works long days 10-12 hours and has been studying a lot on top of that. He is super busy!

For me I am still working full time at WIC. Recently applied for a promotion and had an interview on wednesday so I will be waiting to hear back :)

I am challenging myself to take some pictures and post something new and exciting in the next month...There that is my new years resolution since I didn't make any others. For anyone out there that still even reads our blog. Sorry we are so lame!

God’s Will

What does it mean to accept God’s Will? Verbally saying, thy will be done. Praying for what we want and then adding as an afterthought but thy will be done? How can we truly align ourselves with God to accept his will and have it become our own?

“The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them.” Bible Dictionary

I often think that we think we will/are accepting God’s will but in reality we wait patiently until he grant’s us our will. I think sometimes we are waiting for God’s will to align with our own instead of the other way around.

I have been thinking a lot about what God’s plan for me must be. Very different than what I thought life would be. I feel in my young 29 years of life I have endured many trials. At times I have felt my trials have been more than I should have had to bear, or more than others have been asked to bear which has left me bitter, resentful and feeling very alone. Close to a year ago I told myself I just wouldn’t be able to handle anymore. But we will always have trials…life is hard…and rest does not come in this life. So as long as I am still living I can expect to have trials. I think the key is learning to truly accept God’s will. Maybe then these trials will shape us into what God wants us to be. Often we are too close to the situation to see the bigger picture, where God can see all things and knows so much more than we do.

I have been praying so hard for what I want to happen, what my plan is and I need to start listening to hear what God’s plan is. I had thought the lord was just teaching me patience but in the end I would eventually get what I wanted. But I am starting to see that may not be true and I need to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

At a time when I think that I should be in the pit of despair I feel something very different…not sure if it is denial…numbness…or truly just peace.

A beautiful hymn and poem written by someone in her darkest hour…truly in turmoil and grief

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart, searching my soul

Where, when my aching grows, where when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand? He, only One.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching

In Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle is the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

God is the only who can give us peace because he is truly the only that has suffered in the same way we personally do. I pray for the strength to accept his will whatever that may be. Just when we think we can endure no longer he will be there to carry you. Life is hard and always will be, but that is why God sent his son so we can be made whole.

Long Overdue!

Well it has been quite a while since I posted. I guess our life is lame and not much to blog about. I have been working full time so I actually have not been looking at blogs as much as I used to. Landon keeps up on everyone’s blogs more than I do. So I am sitting at home today and Landon tells me I should update our blog. I am not very computer savvy and really hate posting user the actual blogger so I like that I have live writer on my computer that lets me type out what I want and add pictures in the sequence I want and then it posts to my blog. So I get on here today to open it up and it is gone. I was not very happy. So I tried to post via blogger and was getting annoyed at how I couldn’t arrange the photos the way I wanted. So I finally figured out how to download live writer again so I can use it. Landon must have erased it…we have been having a lot of problems with the computer so he is constantly getting rid of programs and stuff to see if it will help. We probably need a new computer…who knows maybe we have a virus. So I finally put some of our pictures on the computer so I could put them on the blog. I really hardly ever take pictures so there aren’t very many but it has been several months.

This picture is from when I was in Portland (last post) and I met up with a couple of my high school friends for dinner. So fun to see them. I wish I could get together with friends more often!!!

  

Yep Landon and I went to WICKED! It came here to Spokane which I was pretty excited about. I had always heard it was the best Broadway play. I pretty much loved it! Landon liked it too. We went to dinner before the play which was right across the street and we ended up being like an hour early. So we are just hanging out and I was talking to a friend who was also there. I decided I better visit the Lady’s room before it started and my friend came with me. So we leave and come back and the guy won’t let us in….it had just barely started. Would’ve been nice if he would have let us know before we left, we did walk right past him. So yep I missed the opening of the play   I still loved it though. I would totally go again. 

Phyllis (my sister) Nick and Kensie came to visit for the 4th of July. It was fun having them here. We hit up all the beautiful places we could think of here in Spokane. This is the Spokane Falls in downtown Spokane. The river was flowing so fast since we had so much rain this year. We spent the day (4th) In Riverfront park and Manito and then watched fireworks at Riverfront park. I left my camera in the car for fireworks though…oops.

 

Heather I was wearing those earrings you gave me (love them) and by the end of the day I had lost one I will have to have you make me some

This is Manito Park and the Japanese Gardens. It is beautiful. Awesome place to take pictures. Leslie you would love it!

Yes that is a Pig! Roasted in the ground! Landon’s friend Jamie from school invited us to celebrate her daughter’s 1st birthday where it is tradition to have a luau to celebrate them making it through the first year. So they roasted a pig in the back yard. It was pretty cool to watch them dig it up.

 

Landon just finished school for the summer. Took his last test! Now he has one year of internships and then he is done done done! We can finally see the light! Can’t wait for our vacations in a couple of weeks, one to Port Townsend Washington with Landon’s family and the other to the Sorenson Reunion. No cruises or mexico this year I’m hoping our next big Vacation can be to Hawaii! Have a great summer!

Same Old Same Old

So I really don’t have anything to blog about today but thought I would write anyways. This week has been a nice change. I got to go to Portland for a work conference Sunday through Tuesday. The conference was pretty lame but we were downtown with lots of shopping and yummy food places so it was great. I did so much walking my feet were in agony by the time I got home Tuesday night. I grew up in Vancouver for those of you that did not know so very close to Portland. So I got to meet up with two of my friends from High School for dinner Monday night, so fun!!!

 

I have been working full time now since January so this was a change and I got to have Wednesday and Friday off since the conference started Sunday and we got back at like 11:00 Tuesday night. Nothing really new is happening for us right now. Landon is still plugging away at school, he is definitely ready to be done. He did find out that he will have all his internships here in Spokane next year so no moving around for him which will be nice for the both of us because I probably wouldn’t have gone with him if he had to leave. Only one more year, can’t wait.

 

Landon’s brother came home early from his mission due to medical reasons, he had two surgeries this week to repair both his shoulders. They came to visit us Easter Weekend so that was awesome. What a great kid, he is so positive even though so much has happened. What a great example to us, we love him! We hope he will get to go back out on his mission soon.

 

As far as my self-pity goes I think I am finally starting to do better. Today I read that one of my friends is expecting a baby and I think it is the first time I have not cried when finding out a friend or family member was pregnant. That is progress right :) I know that I have a long way to go to be a good person and be able to rejoice with people in their joy when it is something I too want so badly. I think I am finally starting to get there.

 

Feeling great today after my Zumba class. Still loving it. Wish I could go every week 3 times instead of just Saturdays, dang work. Just kidding, I feel very blessed to be working to support our family right now. It is truly a blessing even though sometimes I hate it. That’s all for now. Sorry no fun pics. I do have a pic of me with my friends at the Moroccan restaurant we went to, but too lazy to download it. Ta ta for now.

Older and Wiser?

Well I have not posted for quite some time...Partly because I have been busy working fulltime and partly because I really have nothing fun and exciting to post about. However it was my birthday on Sunday...yep another year older and wiser? Many of you wished me Happy Birthday on Facebook, thanks so much. It was General conference so my hubby and I spent the day listening to conference on the couch. I didn't even get out of my PJ's and shower until 3 pm :) The funny thing is I am starting to get to that age that I kinda don't want to tell people how old I am when they ask. Yep I am officially 29 years old. Many of you are thinking NO that can't be...thanks I don't know if I should attribute that to my beautifully young skin hahaha or to my immature nature J/k. Really though why is it that most women you meet stop counting at age 29? If you ask an older woman how old they are don't they usually say 29...of course we know they are lying. What is it about 29. Have I reached a big milestone or is this supposed to be the best year of my life and that's why they want to remain 29 or is it that after this year you go downhill? I hope that this year is a great one and that I too will love 29 so much I will want to stay 29 forever right? So here are a few of my new favorite things: 1. Zumba...I have started doing zumba and quickly becoming addicted, mainly only my saturday morning class with a specific instructor. It is in the YMCA gym and ~150 people or more come every saturday. I have tried a couple of evening classes with different instructors and I always leave disappointed. I wish you could all come with me :) 2. Samoa Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream...Yep I know this kinda contradicts my #1. And trust me the scale sure is showing it :( More zumba less ice cream, my new goal 3. Prison Break...this is actually a rediscovered love. Landon and I loved this show and watched all of the seasons. We are now watching it for a second time on Netflix and I remember why we loved it so much. It's amazing how much I had forgotten. We watch it almost every night. 4. Reaffirming how awesome the spirit is when someone is inspired to say something I most definitely need to hear. Looking forward to a new year...As a 29 year old. Hoping to make it much better than the last year. Sorry our Blog has been so dull and boring!

Happy Anniversary

Landon and I celebrated our 4 year Anniversary on December 29th. I can't believe the time has gone so fast! I have such a loving and understanding husband who puts up with so much from me!

In the last four years...

I was accepted into the dietetics program
Landon and I both graduated from Utah State with our Bachelors degrees
We have been on two cruises
Spent two summers on forest fires and one selling for APX
One vacation to The Mexican Riveria at an all-inclusive resort
Landon was accepted into PT school
Moved to Spokane, WA
Suffered through two miscarriages
Started several new jobs

And continue to love each other more and more all the time!
Neither one of us are perfect...But we are a perfect fit.
Love ya Babe!

Christmas 2010

This year I had to work the few days before Christmas and the whole week after Christmas so we went home to Utah to celebrate Christmas the week before Christmas.

The Sunday before Christmas we had a Big family breakfast and opened a few presents. Landon’s mom decorated the house like a stable and we read the Christmas story.

   

   

  

 

This is what we got for Christmas!! I love it!!

We also got Boce Ball, we haven’t got to use it in this cold weather yet.

Christmas Eve we went over to the Murphey’s, they are the closest thing we have to family here in Spokane. We played minute to win it. Way fun, but I totally sucked at it!

 

We had two teams, I was on the losing team, I’m afraid I may have helped us lose!

For those of you that know my husband very well he likes to wake up VERY early on Christmas morning. Our first Christmas together he woke up his whole family at 5 am to open presents. Last year we were here in Spokane by ourselves and we slept in on Christmas morning, I was hoping he had outgrown it. This year though…I got up to go to the bathroom at about 3:45, not an irregular thing for me…and I come back to bed and Landon says lets get up and open presents. I really didn’t want to plus we basically knew everything we were getting for Christmas but Landon had one surprise up his sleeves. He got me two diamond band rings to go on both sides of my wedding ring. He totally spoiled me!

Landon got most of his presents before Christmas! On black friday actually. He got a big screen T.V. and x-box and black opps video game. A blu-ray player and lots of movies. I also got two pairs of boots and some shoes. We totally splurged this year oops! Now we are on a spending strike. Hopefully we can keep it up.

I love Christmas, can’t wait till next year.

Christmas Cards

Oh how I love Christmas!! It is definitely my favorite holiday. I love the music decorations and of course shopping! I also love getting ready for Christmas which involves decorating the house, buying gifts for loved ones and sending out Christmas cards and receiving Christmas cards.

I have friends and family that make some very cute Christmas cards (you know who you are) every year. I am not that talented. Last year I printed my christmas cards through a photo website, this year I am going to do my Christmas cards through shutterfly.com they have some very cute christmas cards. If you are anything like me and need some help making really cute christmas cards visit this website http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards

I have been wanting to get more into digital scrapbooking and being able to make photo books. Shutterfly in addition to cards and other products does photo books as well which I plan on making to capture great memories. This year shutterfly is offering 50 free christmas cards to bloggers, check them out!! http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Hope you all have a wonderful time getting ready for the Christmas Season.

Family Pictures 2010

My amazing talented Sister-in-law took these pictures for us in September when we were home visiting. Many of you may have already seen these on facebook but I thought I would post some of our favorites anyways! Thanks Leslie

 

This one is probably our favorite, we put this one up in our living room. The last picture we had up was our engagement pictures, it definitely needed to be changed.

This one is one of Landon’s favorites.

This one is probably my favorite

We also got a couple of pictures with my family while we were in Utah. My sister’s boyfriends sister took these ones. We haven’t had any pictures with my family for several years.

VaLaun and Jaxson, Phyllis, Deanna, Me, Landon, James, Kensie and Hope

This is all of us. Phyllis’ boyfriend Nick was supposed to be in these but got stuck at work.

Sisters

Vacationing In Mexico

This post is long over due! I get so lazy about posting on this thing. The end of August Landon was off of school so we took a vacation, part of the time we were in Utah. Then we also splurged and went to Mexico. We went to the Mexican Riveria, south of Cancun. We were only about 15 minutes from Tulum. It was so much fun, we loved soaking up the sun on the beach!

Our First night in Mexico this was the view from our balcony. We had a pretty good view. We also had a hammock on our deck, which we ended up breaking, we must be fatty’s!! That first night we took a walk down the beach close to midnight and we got to see the sea turtles laying their eggs. It was pretty cool!

   

 

We spent a lot of time Laying on the beach, soaking up the sun…

   

Playing Volleyball…

And more Volleyball! We would play close to 4 hours a day! Loved it!!

When we weren’t playing Volleyball we would go snorkeling, kayaking and of course eat lots of Sushi! The water was great and the  weather was perfect.

  

 

This guy would come to the Resort to sell his paintings at nights. He would finger paint anything on tiles. We bought two of them. They are pretty sweet. He was making this picture for us, we decided we didn’t want it oops :)

 

We went shopping in Playa del Carmen one day. We just went and stood out on the main road and within seconds a van/shuttle was picking us up and took us wherever we wanted to go. Landon was getting the bartering down well, even on things he had no intention of buying. He just liked to see how low they were willing to go. (A little annoying)

The next day we visited Tulum. Ancient Mayan Ruins. Very cool place. We tried to sneak into a tour group, but it ended up being pretty boring so we just walked around ourselves.

        

  

               

 

This was the fertility temple. Each corner had a face, kinda hard to tell in these photos.

 

 

Here is the staircase down to the beach, we had to go swimming cause everyone told us the beach at Tulum was amazing and was the best, they were right, the water was great and the sand was perfect. Plus it was such a HOT day it felt so good to get in the water!

  

     

Each night was usually some type of entertainment. This night they it was mexican night. They served all their traditional mexican food outside and had music and dancing playing. Landon liked those fried tortillas with cinnamon and sugar! They were dripping!

 

This was our last night, it was out on the beach, with drums and fire dancers. It was pretty sweet.

 

We loved our Vacation! Wish we could take another soon, probably won’t be for a while. We did get to spend an extra week in Utah after we got back from Mexico. We visited with friends, family and got to go to the Sorenson Reunion. It was so much fun.

Now we our back to life, Landon is back into the full swing of school. He is already sick of school…It’s going to be a long year!

Can’t wait for our next Vacation!