Blood

The single thought of donating blood has saved my life.
With a finger prick, my haemoglobin was too low, hence rejected by the team.
Got myself tested on my own, to prove them wrong.
Only to see the truth.

Half of what the minimum normal range is.

I took the panel doctor's comment of needing blood transfusion as a joke.
Turns out I was wrong.

The specialist won't let me out again to attend a concert.
I needed blood transfusions as soon as possible.
The pressure of the blood forcing itself through my small veins was painful.
Hours and hours of feeling that pain.
Remarkably slept through the second bag after it started and part of the third bag in the morning.

3 bags of O+ in my veins later...
I can walk up the stairs without hearing my heart racing in my ears.
I can wash Odie2 better.
I can sleep better.
I no longer tire easily.
I can repress my feelings better.
And I eat like a cow. T.T

I'm thankful for this intervention.
Without it who knows when I would have known.
The surgery that is to come, I surrender to the Almighty that have put the thought in me suddenly; when my last donation was in 2016.

Weight Rant

Everyone notices and rejoices when you lose two digit weight.

But where's the joy when you have to spend money to change your wardrobe?

Where's the joy in not feeling like it because you are kind of mentally stuck with wanting to stay comfy in old sizes?

Where's the joy when every week you get anxious if you will keep to that weight?

Where's the joy in knowing this was a result of a lot of major stress and losing a loved one?

Where's the joy of knowing now you have the mental ability to stress your system into diarrheas and hence lose more weight?
(what if you use it and slowly lose control over this ability.)

I wish for once, everyone would just not rejoice.
Just stop.
Making comments as superficial as, 'Yay, keep going!' is awfully horrendous and belittling the effort it takes.
The struggle is so much more than just exercising or skipping meals or eating healthy.

Goodbye Odie!

At exactly 13 years old, you are officially not mine tonight.

You have been at the start of my adulting years.
Symbol of having responsibility and freedom.

I remember how frantic I was on getting your first repaint after I ram into the green fence at my first job. I thought I was on reverse when I was actually in D.
And subsequently I mellowed little by little on the small bumps and scratches that came along.

Many, many fries have spilt into your narrow spaces.

Many lovely naps taken in you while waiting for church or events throughout the years.

First road trips to Langkawi, Sungai Petani and Ipoh was made possible with you.

Going to the car wash that first time was thrilling, because it was just something my dad doesn't do for his car.

The little kids that have sat in you, are all grown up now.
And the teens who drove you after they passed, now all have their own cars.

You were even the saving grace one day in getting Slavedriver in time to the airport after his initial ride got broken into.

The most dangerous state I got you into was distractingly eating a fruit and not braking in time. There you went into the spare tyre of a taller vehicle with you.

And then there was that guy who rammed into you while we queued in that junction near work, and I didn't get much money to fix your bumper from him.

But other than that, you have not been in any accidents. And I am very thankful for that.

You have been so good to me and my 20s. Thank you.

You have great logic!

'I'm surprised that you're surprised.'

Lambie my dear IT Tech Lead,

Thank you.
To see these words of compliments, was like droplets of rain on desert land.

It's just what I needed in this season.

Doing Word

*facepalm at self*
*laugh at self*

Acknowledging that moment when I realise all my notes just wasn't going to be understood by the group I am with has to be the most humbling position to be in today.

Reverbation

Last night in the empty basement car park, the reverb spark in me the desire to break out in worship.

Hearing the sound I make reverbing ever so slightly was a joy that was simple and needed no explanation.
I almost even broke out in singing but I just hummed the tune that appear in my head.

Maybe someday...

Most of all it was a good reminder of that 'Yes, I will still praise You.'
Even through these days of griefs, losses and just overwhelming darkness....
'Yes, I will still praise You.'

Smoking kills.

The big smile.
Those big ears.
Smoke rings.
The smell of Dunhill compared to other brands.
Double angpows.
This two toned green color room.
There wouldn't be another like him.

What I felt like.
Was that pure joy?
Was that pure happiness?

All it took was one smile.
It's so simple when it comes to him, my favorite uncle.

It's only ever been happy memories with him.
No obligation, no judgement, no expectation from this brother of my father; the only sibling raised by my great grandmother.

Lassie, Carrie and Fisher.
They had a loving owner.

I wish I hadn't thrown away that one cigarette in that one golden box I managed to sequestered away once upon a time.
If only just to bring it to you now.

You asked for nothing but gave me so much.

Ah cheg, thank you.
For showing me a life of marching to your own tune.
For loving me as you did.

Rest in peace, Ah Yeong Cheg.
3rd May 2019.

Gemstones

I have to laugh at this lame thought in my head.

"Not every girl in this world is going to get this many gemstones in a lifetime from their loved ones."

Being thankful of the little things in life is a way of life I look forward to being more consistent about.
These are my reminder, coming into the 3rd month of the year.

Hello 2019

New loves.