Isis/nobody's Blog

I always wonder what went through ur head when u were trying to steal him away from me. did the thought that there was a woman in his life already deter u the least bit? Did u stop to think what if one day this happens to me? what if I fall in love with a man only to have someone else throw themselves at him at every turn, Wait till his darkest days to make ur moves and send ur x-rated pics? Or did u just not care? Did u only want to get what u wanted to hell with other peoples hard built relationships?

 I really wish I knew, what went through ur mind when u kissed his lips, the lips I kissed a thousand times. The lips I loved. Did u see me in the back of ur mind , Blinded by tears? Or did u just enjoy the rush of blood, the thumping heartbeat, the surge of lust when u were kissing my man?

What went through ur mind when u were begging him not to leave? Begging him to stay with u and not go back to me, the woman he built a life with? did u care that u shattered my dreams, The dreams of being the mother of his child, the dreams of my happily ever after? Or did u just want to steal them from me and make them your own just like u took him?

What went through ur mind when u played up the drama, threatened suicide just to keep him by ur side? Did u think that maybe he was never really urs to keep? Or did you just not care and cling to him cos it was easier to hold on?

 What went through your mind as a woman who has blood running through ur body, as woman, we have a code, men are dogs, the whole world knows that, but us women.. we are special.. we FEEL.. we know pain.. we know love.. you should have known better.. as a woman.. as a sister.. as a friend.. as a daughter.. u should have known better.

I hope with all my heart u get hit by a bus.

OMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGG!!!! WHEN DOES IT STOP HURTING?? seriously! when do i stop missing u?? when do i stop going over what happened a MILLION FREAKING TIMES A DAY???  when do i get it in to my head that its over? when do i get over what u did?? seriously WHEN? im officially sick of being heartbroken! AARGH! FML

I gave you love. With no conditions. No ties. No boundaries, no limits. Id pick u up when u were down. And push u higher when u were happy. Never gave you a day of grief. Never said no. never held back. Never fumbled. Never gave in to distractions. I was true. I was all I could be just to make u smile.

But it was never enough. U didn’t love me the same way. You never did. u kept me around cos u  knew I loved u. u kept me with u not for me. never for me. just for the love I showed. U wanted to be adored and I gave it to u, no questions asked. But u never loved me that way. You never looked at me. u never looked in to my eyes when u said u love me. u never made an effort. U never had to. U had me. all of me, and u threw it away. The love I could have given u for the rest of ur life. The security. The amazing sex everything. For what? The thrill of another conquest??  Another number to add to ur list of whores?

What do u think I am? Do u really think I can ever forgive u for cheating on me nine times???? Did u think that I can just let it all go like I did before? That I can forget about the videos u sent her telling her u love her??? Do u think I can ever get over seeing the man I love tell another woman he loves her? u even got the tattoo of my name on ur back DONE WITH HER??~ that’s freaking insane??! Who the hell goes to do a tattoo of ur girlfriend with ur mistress, and makes out with her in the bathroom after adding flames to my name?! sheesh. i really know how to pick them.

Im sooooooooo  moving on. Im done with insanity. Im done with love. Im done with heartbreak. im done with you.

Im not a god with infinite forgiveness

 Im not a rock with no feelings of my own

Im not a angel who doesn’t feel anger

 Im not a mat for u to walk all over

im not an idiot who never feels betrayal

 Im a human. I have feelings. I hurt. I cry. i. bleed

On the surface I smile and giggle at ur jokes

I hold you. I kiss you. i hold back a flood of tears

 I pretend that all Is fine

 But what happens to me when u forget that its just a brave face?

That inside my heart is breaking and that its all just an act

What happens when I’m still with u but not really there

Do u see the hurt or just the faked smile?

 What happens when I’m all alone my thoughts carry me to places

So dark that there is no way out?

When the distractions are gone and the pain is raw

Does the trust come back?

 Does the hope come back?

 Does the love come back?

Or does it wash away with each wave of emotion?

With each shower of tears?

Does the love hold strong as my world falls apart?

Does the good times we had out shine the hurt that burns inside

 Or does it feed the flames of betrayal with its mocking evil stare

 Ruining the memories I have held so dear?

Laughing at the happiness now a distant memory

 Is this love? Is this what one is meant to bear

You were everything to me. Id wake up to the thought of u, id fall asleep pretending to have ur arms around me and dream of being ur wife and now that dream is shattered. U ripped it out of my heart and crushed it to a million pieces. Yet here u are, begging to put it back together, mend my heart once more u say, but how can u fix something that u cant even see? U cant see how badly I hurt. U cant see the tiny pieces u broke my heart in to. Ur blind to my pain. My insanity. My anger. My bloodlust.

I do remember the happy times. I remember ur smile. The way ur eyes light up when u laugh. Then I remember that im not the only one who was blessed with that smile. Not the only one who kissed ur lips. Not the only who lusted after ur body. And it kills. It’s a million thorns in my heart. a stake knife in the gutt. Vald the impaler would be proud of the stake u stuck in my heart. How could u be so coldhearted? I just don’t get it. I just don’t understand how so much love could be ignored for the sake of a two rupee whore. I don’t get why u would let ur defenses down for someone who could never give u what I did. I stay awake all night wondering what she had. What was so special.. I just don’t get it. Why? Why? Why??? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t u love me enough? Why?

 I BURN WITH ANGER. Sometimes I just go crazy! i want to draw blood! I want to hurt u as badly as u hurt me! I want to fuck someone just to get u back but when push comes to shove I cant get u out of my head. I CANT GO THROUGH WITH IT! Even though we are not together I STILL CANT DO IT! So how could u???? how could u do it while u had my love? How could u betray me knowing u would loose me? What the hell is the point in u crying now? Dying for me now? Don’t u see its too late? Don’t u see that if I ever want to have a normal life I have to run from u as fast as I can? I want to be free! I want to flirt and be fun again. I want to feel sexy and wanted. I want sex to be fun and not a competition to the best among 36. And I can never have that with u. I will forever hold on to the image of u telling another u love her. So pls respect me enough not to say it to me now. Don’t call me names u called her. U lost the right to love me when u said those words to her. U lost the right to my love and respect. U were my hero my angel my everything. And now ur just another person who took me for granted. And I know I deserved better than what u gave me.

now u don’t have the right to ask for my love again.

JAR OF HEARTS.. my slightly changed version!

No I can’t take one more step towards you

Cause all that’s waiting is regret and lies

 And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 I learned to live half alive for u

 And now you want me one more time

 but who do you think you are

 Running around leaving scars

 Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing my love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

 From the ice inside your soul

 So don’t come back for more

Who do you think you are

 I hear you’re asking all around If there is a way to get me back

But I am growning too strong

 To ever fall back in your arms

who do you think you are Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

 And tearing my love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

 So don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are

And it will take so long just to feel alright again

 and to Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed

 and the years of thinking u loved me

Cause you broke all your promises

And now you’re back

BUT You don’t get to get me back

 And who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

 Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love my apart

You’re gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me Don’t come back at all

 Who do you think you are

 Who do you think you are

 Who do you think you are

 christina perry.. u wrote this song for me! im sorry i chaged the words around a bit.. i just needed it to fit me JUST RIGHT! and now it does!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH7WXlf9WLk

I love you! but sometimes i hate you! bust mostly i love you too much that i hate you for hurting me! For hurting my love you! For making me think what if? What if i hadn’t gone out that night?? What if u hadn’t cheated? What if i came to R&B too what if i had the guts to go through your phone?? I HATE THAT! I hate that i’m angry! i hate my self for being soo weak! SO FREAKING PATHETIC! I hate that i cant let go of that pain! I hate that u think that it will all heel with time! I hate that it took so much to get your love! Maybe the price i had to pay was just too high! Maybe just maybe i will hurt forever.

YES i know its the past! I GET IT! but its the past thats turned me in to this! How can i go back to being the girl you loved when this is what it has turned me in to! This is me! This is who i am! I know its hurting you! i know it is! And i hate my self for that too! Cos i do love you! and i don’t want to be the reason your sad baby But if me just bring up what happened hurts you so much can u imagine the pain of having to go through it??? think about that for a change!

Maybe the problem is that i loved you too much. Gave too much of ME away. I don’t recognise my self anymore. I;ve changed. I don’t look the same. I don’t feel the same. I don’t act the same. I lash out more. I cry more. I get angry sooner. I;ve turned in to someone i cant stand! I hate my self. I hate this! I truly do.

So tell me how do i let it go? How do i say fuck it to the past and smile again? HOW? U say just let go but how is really done? How do u make it stop hurting??? I tried not thinking about it focusing on other things but the moment something goes wrong i fall off the wagon. It aaalll just comes rushing back to drown me again! So please.. someone just tell me how this letting go thing works!

I know you love me. tattooing my name on your back kinda showed me how much! And i love you too! You know i do! But what are we doing??? We talk about this over and over and yet here we are again! You say all the right things but as i say A MILLION TIMES actions speak louder than words! I DONT WANT EXCUSES I DONT WANT REASONS! I want actions! I wanna see and feel for my self so that u wont have to tell me things! MAKE ME BELIEVE BY SHOWING ME! Not by just telling me to drop it and that things will get better. Cos right now i;m a million miles away from you crying my self to sleep and your nowhere near.