INSIDE VAULT 13
Wow, I have been selected for the task of going out into the world to find a water chip, seeing how ours had broken and needed replacing before our vault runs out of water! No one has ever ventured outside before, except Ed. I wonder what happened to him. Also, I should take a real close look at the water chip before I go, lest I forget what I’m supposed to be looking for
OUTSIDE VAULT 13
Well gosh darn, I found Ed. Ed’s dead
AT UNNAMED VILLAGE
In my search for Vault 15, I found a village. It is full of nice people, who welcomed me and told me all about themselves. They claim to be from a vault to the east, which does not bode well. Also, radscorpions are really big. I helped clear out a nest of them, by politely asking them to leave. They did. This might prove important later
AT VAULT 15
Gosh darn it, I did not bring a rope
BACK AT SHADY SANDS
I asked if they had any spare rope. They had rope to spare. I had to tell them everything I know about crop circulation first, though. I asked why they needed someone to tell them about it, since they already knew to ask. At this, they looked annoyed and said ‘do you want this rope or not’. This just goes to show that knowing basic farming skills might come in handy at the most unexpected of times
BACK AT VAULT 15
After repelling down the broken elevator shaft with a rope, I quickly concluded that the section where a water chip would be had been caved in. No luck here. Fighting the rats that nested down there taught me a few valuable lessons, though. Strangely enough, I feel more confident in my speech skills. I don’t know how fighting rats accomplished that, but it did
BACK AT SHADY SANDS pt 2
I asked if they knew of someplace else to look for a water chip. A friendly chap named Ian let slip that there was a settlement called Junktown down south. It seemed as good a place as any. I politely thanked him and left him firmly rooted in place
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
I saw a legion of radscorpions. Then I ran from the legion of radscorpions. What they are doing out here is none of my business. The wasteland is vast
AT THE GATES OF JUNKTOWN
I was none too politely informed that the gates are closed at night, and to return at dawn
STILL AT THE GATES OF JUNKTOWN
At some unknown signal, the guard decided it was dawn and let me in. He informed me that there is a mayor who is also a store owner, and that I should check in with him if I needed supplies. He also warned me against dealing with Gizmo, the casino owner. After meeting the peasants of Shady Sands, it seemed strange that a place like this could support something so remote from subsistence farming as a casino, but it didn’t seem prudent to ask. I thanked him and walked through the gates
IN DOC MORBID’S CLINIC
Seeing as how most surface dwellers seemed to lack education, I found myself drawn to the clinic. Surely the good doctor might be at least literate. Therein, I noted a ladder down into a basement, and felt a pang of homesickness. Needless to say, I immediately descended
IN THE BASEMENT UNDER DOC MORBID’S CLINIC
I encountered a fellow who could only be described as a ”rotund midget”. I searched for any other way to describe him, but alas, no other words came to mind. I politely asked what he was up to down here, and he ever so impolitely let me know he was preparing meat for Bob’s iguana-on-a-stick stand over at the Hub. Only now noticing the meat, I made a hasty exit
BACK UP IN DOC MORBID’S CLINIC
The doc asked if I needed healing. I found it slightly odd he made no mention of me emerging from his basement, but decided to play along. As I had no means of paying for his services, I went back outside
AT THE STORE
I introduced myself to the mayor, who did not know where to find a water chip. He also refused to believe I came from a vault. I decided not to press the matter. As I made to leave, a rather unkempt fellow entered the store and shouted GIZMO SENDS HIS REGARDS, before firing a shot at the mayor. A fight ensued, where I became confused about the meaning behind the phrase “bringing a knife to a gun fight”. A knife is so much faster than a gun. Once the fight ended, the mayor turned to me and thanked me for my help. He knew Gizmo was behind this assassination attempt, but needed proof before pursuing it through legal channels. Still buzzed from the fight, I said something that amounted to an agreement, and he gave a hidden listening device. Then he gave me a look that said “you know what to do”
OUTSIDE THE STORE
Given a moment to think, I suddenly realized I was very confused about the kind of legal system that would not view an attempt on someone’s life in broad daylight as admissible evidence. The surface is weird
AT THE SKUM PIT
This place didn’t look like anything to me
IN THE BACK OF GIZMO’S CASINO
As I was walking straight into the office of Gizmo himself, it occurred to me that I did not know what to say once I got there. No sooner had this glimmer of doubt revealed itself than I was in his corpulent presence. Realizing that I had to say something, I said the first thing that came to mind: you just tried to assassinate the mayor! At this, he narrowed his beady eyes and said: yeah, what of it? Are you here to return the favor? To which I replied, panicked: nono, I’m here to tell you your guy failed, and to offer my services in doing it properly. Permanently. This garnered an amused response, amounting to the two interwoven themes of having a deal and getting out. I got outdated
BACK AT THE STORE
I relayed my encounter to the mayor, who informed me that this information would be much more useful if I had activated the listening device before barging in. Nevertheless, testimony counts as evidence. He thus asked if I wanted to come along to seal the deal with Gizmo. Noting that the mayor had more guards with more guns than I had knives, I said yes
BACK AT GIZMO’S CASINO
There was a fight. There must have been. At the end of it, Gizmo and his goons lay dead in more blood and body parts than I had seen since visiting Doc Morbid’s basement. The mayor thanked me for my enthusiastic support, and asked where I had learned to fight like that. Remembering our previous conversation about vaults, I mentioned the legion of radscorpions, which generated a nod of understanding. He then told me of the water merchants near the Hub, which sounded like the place to go
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, pt 2
I threw a rock at one of the radscorpions before running this time. I am not a smart bear
AT THE HUB
This place was big. Bigger than I thought possible. I asked a random caravan guard if he knew about water chips, and he pointed me towards the water merchants. I thanked him and stumbled into the teeming masses of humanity
AT THE WATER MERCHANTS
They did not know about water chips. They said they could deliver water, payment up front, if I could just tell them where to go. I then realized that I only knew the way back by muscle memory, which is difficult to convey verbally. I said I’d think about it
AT THE BOOK STORE
They had the same books that we have at home. Reading them again in the light of my recent experiences put their contents into context. It also brought me the realization that this was not a library, freeing me from my burden of caps. The caps somehow weighed more than the books. It is a very strange currency
AT THE FARGO TRADING COMPANY
As I stumbled into the building, a curt man asked: you here for the job or what? Savvy as I now was to the ways of the world, I said yes. He said good, go find those missing caravans and what caused them to become missing in the first place. I said I was on it, and stumbled back out again
IN A RAMSHACKLE RUIN
Seeing as how my strategy of randomly entering into any building that seemed interesting had worked out for me so far, I entered into a building that looked interesting. This one featured two ruffians, who seemed none too pleased to see me. I asked what they were up to, and they started blasting. I disassociated and the knife thing happened again. When I returned, I could hear banging from a back room. As I opened the door, the resident thanked me, told me he’d let the Brotherhood know of my good deed, and set off into the distance
IN A DIFFERENT RAMSHACKLE RUIN
I met a man with a severe skin condition, who told me a long, rambling tale about sneaking into an abandoned military base with a friend and both ending up falling into a green liquid of some sort. Touching the liquid seemed to have caused his skin condition, far as he knew. As to what happened to his friend, he didn’t know. If the strange goo didn’t get him, the radiation or the rats or the dangerous machines of the base would. I asked if the legion of radscorpions could’ve gotten to him. This caused a strange reaction, and he urged me to ask his friend outside about the deathclaw
OUTSIDE THE DIFFERENT RAMSHACKLE RUIN
I immediately knew who the friend was. Upon mentioning the deathclaw, he asked if I wanted to go see it. Being keenly aware of how the wasteland is a place of immediacy, I said yes
IN THE DEATHCLAW CAVE
There was a cave. There was a deathclaw in that cave. Was. I should probably talk to someone about these knife episodes. Further in was a giant green man, slowly perishing from deathclaw-inflicted wounds. He told me of the Master’s grand vision. I told him He had a plan for all of us, which seemed to bring some sort of peace to his dying moments. I also found a holotape, which outlined troop movements that possibly corresponded to the caravan attacks I was supposed to investigate
BACK AT THE FARGO TRADING COMPANY
As soon as I mentioned the deathclaw, the curt man panicked. I told him not to worry, and that it was dead. It was at that moment I realized that I had sawed off one of its titular claws and now wore it as a necklace. I then told him about the big green man and information gleaned off the holotape. He gave me a heap of caps, and I made myself scarce
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, pt 3
I met the legion of radscorpions again. They are my friends. As I walked among them, it was conveyed to me by some primal means of communication that there was a vault to the east, and that a water chip could potentially be in there. I thanked my companions and bade them farewell
IN NECROPOLIS
I saw a great many people with skin conditions not unlike, but also not quite similar to, the one I had seen on the man in the ramshackle ruin. Some hissed at me, but most let me pass in peace. I met a particularly gnarly individual who claimed to be the leader of this town of the dead. He told me to get rid of some green giants. I did so. He told me to get lost. A different individual told me there was a water chip, and that I could have it if I fixed the water pump. I did so, and now had a water chip in my possession
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, pt 4
I met a traveler. We traded a bit, and he told me of a place called the Brotherhood. Seeing as I had many days left to deliver the water chip, I decided to go there
AT THE BROTHERHOOD BUNKER ENTRANCE
There were two guards. One told the truth, and said that I should talk to the other guard. The other told a lie, that I would be let in if I retrieved a holy item from a dangerous place. My wasteland-honed instincts kicked in, and I said yes
AT THE GLOW
I had forgotten to bring a rope
BACK AT THE HUB
For being the biggest marketplace in the world, it took a surprising amount of time to find someone who would sell a rope. I found Iguana Bob, and told him I had met his rotund friend in Junktown. He promised me a lot of caps to not mention this to anyone. I accepted. At length, I found someone willing to sell a rope, and bought it for a fair price
BACK A THE GLOW
I tied the rope to a metal beam extending over the giant crater. Down in the dark abyss, I found a dead brotherhood soldier. He carried a holotape, which should suffice to convince the lying guard. I also saw several charred corpses, and knew in my bones I could identify their genders, despite them not having any distinctive features whatsoever. At the bottom, I found a talking computer that liked to play chess. It informed me about the end of the world, and how it had lingered there ever since. I critically succeeded in beating it at chess. Thus having acquired what I came for, I bade farewell and left
BACK AT THE BROTHERHOOD BUNKER ENTRANCE
I presented the holotape to the guard. He looked genuinely stunned at my successful return. I decided not to linger on this fact, and went inside
INSIDE THE BUNKER
I spent quite some time talking to the residents. They seem to have built a cult around finding and preserving old world technology, like a backwards vault. I told them about the troop movements and giant green men, which sent the eldest members into a panic. I asked a doc to treat my condition, who in turn asked if I meant the radiation or the knife thing. I said the radiation seemed more urgent. We then got to talking about the green men, and she mentioned she had written a holotape all about them. For reasons I do not understand, I asked if I could have a copy. I could indeed have a copy
OUTSIDE THE BUNKER
It occurred to me that I should return home with the water chip. It also occurred to me that I had picked up a truly astonishing collection of miscellaneous items. The doc had said something about a surgery that could make me stronger. I went back in and got it. The surgery, that is
OUTSIDE THE BUNKER, AGAIN
Having been unconscious for all those weeks underground filled me with a renewed longing for home. Home I went
BACK AT VAULT 13
The Overseer was overjoyed when he plugged in the water chip and it began pumping water without a hitch. The rest of my overstuffed inventory sparked less joy. Upon hearing about the big green men, he surmised that there were far more of them than there really ought to be. Sensing an opportunity, he asked if I would be willing to go outside again and maybe stop the mutants, as in all of them. With my wasteland senses now sharpened to a flurry of knives’ edges, I immediately said yes and went to it
BACK AT SHADY SANDS, pt 3
Sensing I should drop in to see how my peasant friends were doing, I did so. They were in quite a state. Some raiders had kidnapped their elder’s daughter, for reasons unknown. I said I knew what to do, and went to it
AT THE RAIDER CAMP
I went straight to the raider boss. He looked at me, my deathclaw amulet, my many many knives and the benevolent gleam in my eyes. We did not speak. I simply went to the daughter, told her we were leaving, and so we left
BACK AT SHADY SANDS, pt 4
My peasant friends were overjoyed at seeing their lost daughter returned. I had done my part. It was time to go west
AT THE MILITARY BASE
There were guards at the entrance. Big green men with guns. I told them the Master’s blessing was with them. They let me in. After some snooping, I found a talkative chap who confirmed that this was the place they were making mutants. He wanted to turn me and my vault friends into mutants as well. I asked if he had considered joining the legion of radscorpions. He said they were not real – not canon, can you believe it! – and that I needed to talk to someone about this. I blinked, and then he was a finely sliced iguana kebab. The surgery was more powerful than I had reckoned. A helpful cultist let slip I should avoid touching a certain computer terminal, lest I accidentally activate the self-destruct button. I immanentized the eschaton right then and there. Then I ran
OUTSIDE THE MILITARY BASE
Before making for the hills, I asked one of the guards where the cult was based. He said at the Cathedral, obviously. I thanked him, then booked it, hoofed it, made like a tree and leaved
AT THE BONEYARD
After my dramatic exit, I arrived at what the locals called Adytum. I was informed that a gang called the Regulators controlled the town, but that a rival gang wanted to remove them from power and introduce an anarcho-syndicalist commune with a very specific set of meeting arrangements. The way to do so was to arrange a trade deal with the local gun runners, including clearing the path between Adytum and the runners from a pack of deathclaws. There would also be an ungodly amount of diplomatic threading of needles to make the various local factions agree with each other. This sounded like effort to me. Instead, knives. I do not know what the liberated Adytum intends to do with their freedom, but I suggested crop rotation
AT THE LOS ANGELES CITY LIBRARY
The punk anarchists were nice. They accepted my donation of technical books, and told me that their name meant “those who come after the apocalypse”, rather than “those who worship the apocalypse”. I told them of a similar phrase, “after me comes the flood”. They did not appreciate the comparison, so I left them to their merry ways. Who knows where they might turn up in the future
AT THE CATHEDRAL
Nothing says cultists like a throng of people all dressed in identical purple robes. Nothing, that is, except a death claw amulet and the willingness to walk into strange buildings like you belong there. I was somehow able to talk myself into the basement, where I searched in vain after a passage down into the vault I knew to be there. After a longer while than I care to admit, I found it. Or, rather, it found me; it bonked right into me when a cultist opened it right on top of my backside. Thus knowing where to go, I went
DOWN IN THE VAULT
The Master drew me to him. I could sense where he was and where to go. So I went. Along the path, I met a friend in a cage who told me that you needed a special helmet to see the Master, lest his psychic energy overwhelm the mind and cause damage. He said this, then did a double take as he gleaned my visage, and concluded – well, most people need the helmet, some are anointed by birth or circumstance. Just follow the psychic screams and the organic waste, and you will be right there
IN THE OVERSEER’S OFFICE
I spoke to the Master. At first, he spoke at me, about his big plan for the world and how he intended to turn everyone into big green men, who would be able to withstand the radiation and the horrors of the post-apocalyptic wastescape. I asked if he meant horrors like the legion of radscorpions, and it was as if he really saw me for the first time. While he was perplexed by my visage, a thought popped into my head, and with a lack of impulse control borne of many a day in the beating sun, I said: did you know that your big green men are sterile? For one, they are all male. This seems problematic on the face of it. For another, I have this holotape, which explains that even though gender is a bimodal spectrum with with significant overlap, the genetic machinery doesn’t work in the first place. Upon reading this holotape, the Master had a crisis of confidence and told me to leave before the bomb went off. I politely thanked him for his time, and made like a tree
BACK AT VAULT 13
The Overseer was not happy to see me. Although grateful for saving both the vault and the entire rest of the world along with it, he was profoundly ill at ease with my presence. Is it the knife thing? I asked. It was indeed the knife thing, he replied. He also said, from behind the securely shut door, that I had best leave, before the others found out about it and started speculating. Only thus would I remain a hero
ARROYO
And so I joined up with the legion of radscorpions for a while, before parting ways at a convenient arroyo up north. I had a temple to build, containing oh so many knives
More longer friend see that sky? 
