The beat goes on..........

So starting to blog again, hard stuff. I've gotten wayyy out of the rythym of writing down what I think and what I feel. Who knew you could forget how to write stuff down? Damn you Facebook *shakes fist*.

Family update I suppose. Mom is doing okay after losing my dad, it was really really tough for her at first. She had completely NEVER lived on her own in her whole life - she went from living with my grandparents to living with my dad. She was so incredibly lonely. So, screw it, we bought her a dog - a little Scottie puppy - MacDuff gave her something to take care of and I truly think he saved her from going crazy from the lonliness. Then for some reason she decided to get another dog, so Mom now has two dogs - MacDuff the Scottie and Hamish the Cairn - they are like friggin bookends and run her life. hahaha. Mom spends the spring and summer here and the most of the fall and winter at her place in Florida - this is the happiest she has been in years.

Grandma was diagnosed with senile dementia and thinks I'm trying to kill her for my inheritance. Yup all those hundreds of dollars would make me murder her. *sigh* She is finally in a "retirement" home and I'm not allowed to visit. Grandma will be 91 this year and her heart is....fragile and I cause her so much stress etc. that they are afraid that my visiting will kill her. With any luck she'll forget who I am soon and I can visit her again.

Katie-o still lives with me and I love her face. She's not working or going to school - she did one year of uni and failed spectacularly due to anxiety. I'm trying to get her to get a job at least so that she doesn't end up an unhappy hermit like me. She doesn't date - she's not interested at all. Not that she's interested in girls either, she says she's asexual and not interested in either sex. She has also informed me that unless there is some kind of miracle happening that I'm not getting grandchildren from her either and that it doesn't really matter as Jamie is trying to populate the world lol. Which lead us to Jamie............

Jamie is living quite far from me (bout a three hour drive)and has so far given me *possibly* two grandchildren. The first one a girl named Isabel was taken by CPS from the hospital as her mother was unfit. I didn't find out about Isabel until she was 7 months old and I had to make the decision on whether to take her myself or not. I decided that I'm just too old to raise another baby and that any child really deserves a home with parents who desperately want them. So I let Isabel be adopted by some new parents and I hope every day that she's happy and loved. Then Jamie told me about another baby that was due to be born this summer that he said he was the "baby daddy" but there was a very very very good possibility that he was NOT the father. I told him I wasn't getting involved unless there was a DNA test to prove it - I couldn't take another Isabel situation. Other than that, he seems to have finished changing girlfriends the way he changes socks and he's been with this one for nearly a year. I still haven't seen him though we talk on the phone etc. - it's been eight years nearly.

I'm still with BT. He's a good man and I just love the hell outta him. We are still a work in progress LOL. The cats are eleven now and just starting to slow down and show their age. Still fat and happy and rulers of their world. They wait every day for the pidgeons to land on the balcony and torment them lol.

I'm still depressed, still anxious, still agoraphobic, still have social anxiety and generally hate people in real life. My newest medication keeps me on an even keel at home so no great highs, no desperate lows and I can on occasion actually leave the house alone during the day to do things. It doesn't happen often but it does happen. I spend a lot of my time on Regretsy reading snark and laughing. I've made some real friends on there and we spend nearly every night chatting on chatzy sharing our days and fears and lives.

Back in Black

Well, I'd better get out a duster cuz man o man this place is covered in dust and cobwebs. I had the sads for quite a while - first Sam, then my dad, then my best friend Sioux and finally my little dog Toto. So basically, deep dark depression excessive misery etc. I don't know if I have anything to actually write ABOUT but I figure why not give it a shot again and considering I pretty much hate Facebook and want to kill it with fire lol. So we'll see how it goes, I guess.

Memories

I don't know how much you know about scottish families but when they get together everyone has "their" song that they sing. When I was a kid, my parents parties always became a sing along after a few drinks. This is the song I remember my dad singing as "his" song at all the parties, I can't even listen to this without picturing my dad and crying. alot.

I belong to Glasgow

One of my dad's favorite songs was "I belong to Glasgow" and at this point in time I have a few songs stuck in my head that relate to my dad.

My father Alexander Lindsay Liddell passed away Thursday September 18th at 12:30 pm after having a massive stroke on September 11th. It was a mercy that he did not survive this cerebral hemorrhage as he could not speak, swallow or move. My father would have been 72 on Monday September 22. So go in peace Daddy, we loved you more that we ever could have put into words.

Depression and cherries and cleaning - oh my

Sorry for the long away but things kind of got on top of me for a while.

The whole thing with Sam and Heather really threw me for a loop. I've never actually known a child that passed away and it makes you so very sad. Not a great excuse but I just couldn't stop thinking about her and circular thinking is a really hard trap to get out of. Luckily, my friend Sioux was not willing to let me just sit here and moulder and cry. We went and picked six buckets of cherries and then we spent the better part of a week pitting, baking and cooking. We made 70 jars of jam, 18 large pies and 8 small pies. It will be a very very long time before I want to see another cherry nevermind eat one LOL.

I also found something called FLYlady and it has been helping me get this place into some kind of order. I'm quite proud of myself actually. I cleaned out my kitchen, sorted my linen closet, cleaned out the bathroom, sorted the storage room, did all the laundry scattered about the place, thinned out my bookcase and the hall closet is next on my list.

I've also been busy with my brothers cottage. We gots renters. I even have a title LOL Property Manager. I've been doing all the booking, cleaning, getting the contract signed, taking the money and setting up the pages on the websites. It's been going really well so far and he's even been paying me for my work LOL. This weekend I'm off to the cottage with Katie and a couple of friends as one of them is going to Uni in a week or so and they want to have a weekend away (girl bonding or something lol) - I'm just basically going to cook and be their chauffeur. You can even take a look at the cottage if you want - www.cottageportal.com and look under Trentview Cottage on Rice Lake in Ontario.

BT was really sick over the weekend ( we call him Typhoid BT as he passes all his illnesses on to us lol) and true to form, Katie and I are both sniffling just as we are going away for the weekend - typical. So I'm back now and ready to bore the pants off you - hey now put those back on it's just a figure of speech - geez those american boys LOL

Finally

Well it's all over but the sadness.

Yesterday was Samantha's funeral. It was a lovely simple ceremony with many many supporters for Mark and Heather. I spent three days with them last week trying to help and not get in the way. I wanted to help them so badly, just do anything that would take some of the burden off their shoulders but also trying really hard not to intrude. It's that terrible grief, another presence in the room that is so strong you can almost touch it.

Heather is out of the hospital now and recovering physically but oh the sadness, just soul wrenching heartache. Rebuilding a normal life is going to be so hard but they have each other and their love is so strong, they have family who love them and friends who would do anything for them. Katie and I are going to spend a few days with Heather in a couple of weeks and we are going to do silly things. Girly stuff, painting toenails, facials, possibly dying hair just for the hell of it. I'm hoping that the sheer mindlessness of it all will give Heather a little bit of normal at least for a little while. *sigh* Sad is very tiring.

It's not fair.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Samantha was a beautiful vibrant 12 year old girl. She died Saturday night in a fire in her home. She was the daughter of my friend Heather - also known as Rowan Mayfaire 79. Heather herself is in the hospital. My heart is breaking. Life isn't fair, so very really not fair.

UPDATE - Heather is in ICU, with a trach and will be sedated for 2 to 3 weeks (according to hubby). I've called the hospital and they won't tell me diddly other than she can have no visitors. Heather has smoke inhalation and some burns, Nick is alright and is already out of the hospital. I'll post as soon as I find out anything else. I know that both Mark and Heather will be touched and thankful for all your good wishes and condolences. I'm going to post the newspaper article about the fire.

This was in the Hamilton Spectator June 23


A 12-year-old girl is dead after being discovered in a closet during an early morning fire yesterday, while her mom and brother wandered the streets blocks away.

Samantha Allan was found by crews searching her Ramsden Drive home, near the Linc and Upper Sherman Avenue, around midnight.

Her 29-year-old mother, Heather, and four-year-old brother, Nicodemus (Nick), were located about two blocks away from the home. Police said Heather was covered in soot and may have been in shock.

Hamilton Staff Sergeant Bob Watts said a preliminary investigation shows the fire may have been caused by the girl's brother.

"We're leaning at this time to a four-year-old playing with matches," Watts said.

The Fire Marshal's Office, which was investigating at the home yesterday, could not confirm matches caused the blaze.

"We're here at the scene right now to go through it to either corroborate that or to refute it," said investigator Mariano Perini.

Emergency crews were called to the quiet neighbourhood early yesterday by an area resident who reported seeing smoke.

Once firefighters arrived, it was evident there was a fire burning in the two-storey home, said Hamilton fire safety officer John Verbeek.

The blaze is believed to have started in Nick's bedroom on the second floor.

Allan, whose legal name is Eaton, was found in the closet of her bedroom with no vital signs.

She was pronounced dead at hospital and a post-mortem examination confirmed she died from smoke inhalation.

Verbeek said there is no foul play suspected regarding her being in the closet, although investigators can't say for certain why she was there.

"Kids naturally get scared and they try to hide," he said. "It's not the first time that I've heard of a child being found in a closet."

Samantha's stepfather, Mark, was at work at the time of the blaze. He returned home while emergency crews were still on scene.

Verbeek said there was a working smoke alarm wired into the home's electrical system on the second floor of the home, although another battery-powered alarm at the top of the basement steps did not have a battery.

There was no indication from neighbours they heard any screams or yells.

The family had only recently moved into the neighbourhood, taking possession of the house May 30.

"They're still in the process of unpacking," Verbeek said.

Neighbours said they did not really know the family, although they mentioned seeing Samantha.

"I saw her out there playing with the four-year-old," said next door neighbour Donna Morris, "... It's hard to believe."

Heather and her son were also taken to hospital. She remained in the intensive care unit at Hamilton General Hospital yesterday, suffering from smoke inhalation.

It's unclear if her son was still in hospital yesterday but he was in good condition earlier in the day, police said.

Damage to the home is estimated at $50,000.

The Ontario Fire Marshal's Office has been called in to determine the cause of the fire.

That is standard practice when someone dies as a result of a blaze.


*sigh* Doesn't this just break your heart.

Friends who want an address to send condolence cards etc should contact my email.