What's Happening?

I'm back online again it seems. After going through busy weeks helping my sister with her wedding preparation (and attending her wedding banquet), I spent another one week to finish my year end stock check task. When I'm done, I was a little bit too free actually. But I am not in the mood to come online yet. I did actually, check my Facebook through the Facebook for Android app.

Now, here I am. Sharing whatever happened to me since I last came online and whatever crossed my mind, up until today.

My sister's big day!

December 9th

I was pretty busy that day (10th of December) and the day prior (9th of December). I fetched her and my aunt to Kuhara Court on the 9th of December. When we were there, we were told that we can only check into our apartment at 1 P.M.. So, we then went to Eastern Plaza for some shopping before we check in. After we got everything we had in my sister's shopping list, we went to have our lunch (there, at Eastern Plaza too) and leave for the hotel soon after.

When I am done with the luggage, I immediately left to get my mother and youngest sister (that's a one hour drive back and forth). The next task is to get my car squeaky clean and 'feed' my car and since I did it at the station my brother is working at, I fetched him along and went back to Kuhara Court. By the time I got there (5 P.M. ++), to be honest I can barely stand.. LOL

After having my shower, my brother and I left to have our dinner (again, at Eastern Plaza) and 'dabao' for my sisters, mum and aunt. I then dropped my brother at Kuhara Court and went to Kelvin's (my sister's hubby) home to get the remaining stuffs we need. I was there to fetch Novy along actually but she said she is going to Kuhara Court by herself. So, I left and went back to Kuhara Court alone. Before that though, I was asked to eat some foods there. I am pretty full at that time actually.. but I ate some anyway.

Back at Kuhara Court, I went online to check my Facebook because I have to keep myself awake to wait for Novy so that she won't be locked out. After waiting for a good two hours or maybe three, I fell asleep sitting in front of my laptop. Amazing huh? But I woke myself up 5 minutes later, packed my laptop up and went back to my room. There, I sat and walked around. All that, to keep myself awake to wait for Novy so that she won't have to knock on the door like a mad girl. Haha.. but I still fell asleep in the end. Who is the one to open the door for her is beyond me.

To be continued...

December 10th

I woke up two hours later (4 A.M.). I can hear that my brother is in the bathroom, having shower. Waiting for my turn, I closed my eyes to catch a quick nap. An hour later, I woke up (5 A.M.) and went to have shower. As soon as I came out from the bathroom, I heard someone knocking on the connecting door but the connecting door was locked thanks to don't-know-who.

Due to the locked door, I have to carry drinks over to the living room on my sister's side, through the main door. There, I knocked and someone opened the door for me. I don't know who is she but she is accompanied by another girl and a boy. My sister was in her room, having her make ups applied by Novy. I can see her because my mum opened the door. I wondered when did she get there. But nevermind that.

As time goes by, the living room is getting more and more crowded. After those girls 'played' around the bridegroom, the tea serving ceremony began. Done with that, we snapped some photos before we went to Kelvin's home to have breakfast and they have their own tea serving ceremony after that.

After everyone dispersed, I brought my mum, aunt, sister and brother back to Kuhara Court, pack everything up and checked out before we went to Fajar. My brother then left for Maradano to get himself a pair of shoes and I brought my sister, mother and aunt to Agnes' place to have their hair done. When my brother re-joined us, I brought him to have our tea break. By the time we are done, so do my mum, aunt and sister.. so, we went back to Kelvin's place to have shower and prepare ourselves for the banquet.

After having my shower, I went into Kelvin's room and he handed me a suit (coat) to try on. I thought "Huh? Have to wear that during the banquet? It's pretty hot enough..". But since I have to stand there with my sister to welcome guests, I guess I have to.

I do realize that guys need shorter time to get ready than girls as after I tried the suit on, I removed it and wait for the time to leave for Jade Ocean. Done with what I have to do, I just sat there and see as Novy is putting make ups on my sister yet again. To be quite frank, I thought "Eh? This Novy is not bad.. pretty and nice although silent". Hmm.. bad thought bad thought! I mean bad thought as in I shouldn't think about Novy like that (silently).

Jade Ocean, here we come!

Still December 10th..

My sister and I stood there at the entrance to welcome and shake guests' hands. It's not tiring but I still prefer to sit down.. Haha.. a kid (Kelvin's don't-know-who) stood next to me and jokingly held out his hand for a handshake gesture as if he's greeting guests too and I said "You wanna take my place?". He replied "Aiyo.. don't complaint la.. you get to shake pretty girls' hands le..". I almost laughed when I heard that. LOL

There were time limit maybe. Around 8 P.M., we (the guests' welcoming guard) were 'introduced' and led to our seat. To be honest, we (those on the main table) were served like kings. I like it! We have our napkins laid out for us and we have separate plates and bowls of foods. Those guests were served foods in big plates and bowls from which they have to take onto their plates by themselves. Who says living like kings ain't good huh?

Let's see if I still remember who's there on the main table.. In a anti-clockwise way, we of course have the bride (my sister) and bridegroom (Kelvin), Kelvin's parents, his eldest sister and second brother, myself, my aunt, my brother, my youngest sister and my mum. Hmm.. lacking sleep doesn't affect my memory it seems.

As plates of foods and bowls of soups came and go, I got really filled up. Wah.. really never eat till that full. In the end, time flies. Dinner is finished and I find myself driving home later that night. Really very exhausted and sleepy (having slept less than 4 hours and being too full) but I can't sleep yet. Not for another 30 minutes I said. Everyone in the car is fast asleep. My mum, sister and aunt. Even my brother who talked to me for the first 5 minutes gave up talking and was soundly asleep.

NoVy Tze

Grey and yellow because I remember that's the color of her gown she wore on December 10th (before the banquet). I am pretty amazed with this girl because she is very pretty. Well.. who doesn't like what's pretty? Everyone have their eyes on what's nice. I can honestly admit that I am not an exception. But pretty girls are always nice for fantasy only. None of them are within my real boundary or reach.

I sent a friend request to Novy to see if she is an exception. But nope.. she ain't. She left my friend request aside and accepted someone else's. But I am not mad or disappointed because I expected that'll happen. I actually thought of keeping the friend request there for her to take a look at some times when she is free. Who knows if someday, somehow she'll change her mind? Right? Just like Rachel who left my friend request unanswered until one day, she did accept it. But nah.. I don't want to.. Facebook will block me from sending any more friend requests and messages. Worst, they might even ban me. Oops.. Don't want that to happen because I love my friends in there!

Back to Novy. Novy is for me, the prettiest girl I met recently. I have her picture here which I'd like to post but not allowed to.. so.. haha.. you'll have to imagine how she looks like by yourself.

Suzanne

I thought I said Suzanne and I am no longer friends? But why do I still think about her? Today, I passed through the way to her home. There's a feeling when I do. It's like that place is familiar, I know someone I care about live there and I can go there anytime I like (if I don't care about how she feels). But I can't do that.. I can't because I do care about how she feels, I respect her not wanting me to go there. All of a sudden, that place became a place I know and want to go but not allowed to. It's sad..

LOVE and LOVELESS

I have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend. Nope.. I am not naming her here. The reason of break up is the guy's suspected to have another girlfriend. How and why is he suspected to have another girl, I can't tell you but for me, it does seem possible. Well.. I don't know why guys act like that (one leg two boat-ing) so, don't ask me. I can barely get ONE girl to love me so I am not the right guy to be asked. I am LOVELESS maybe because I don't know how to love or maybe because I am not lovely enough to be loved. I began to not mind about which, not even care if I am loved (in a boyfriend-girlfriend-way).

Suzanne Chang VII: A Mixture of This and That

Been very busy with my sister's wedding preparation recently and to be quite honest, I really met so very many 'leng lui' for going here and there, doing this and that. Not to forget, the very 'eager' girl I call 'Ms. Wong' who seems like she really wanna know me more. 'Ms. Wong' knew my sister is going to marry because she asked me out several times and I gave her the reason "I can't because my sister's wedding is coming soon and I have to help her out with the preparation". Don't know if she wants to see if I lied or really wanna attend the dinner, but she did asked me to bring her along, as my 'partner'. I.. rejected her request to bring her as my partner.

Probably some of you don't understand why I rejected her request as Suzanne is not going as my partner as planned. Well, my sister's in-laws have this idea, that Suzanne is my girlfriend and they insist that I bring her along. They especially reserved a seat for her. I never tell them otherwise because they really have that idea very deeply ingrained into their brain (you know, old people's habit? Old habit die hard?). So, Suzanne is my girlfriend but she is not attending because so coincidentally, she booked an advanced pair of tickets to Singapore (I can't let those old people believe that I broke up with her when my sister is wedding. Doesn't sound like a good omen right?).

Another reason I am leaving that seat empty is to keep all girls away. Sounds like I have many fans? Nope. Not at all.. I just don't feel like loving so I might as well 'tell' everyone "Hey! I am not available". Probably I am too sensitive, but there is this girl who won't stop coming around. It seems like she wants me to see her more. Or really she wants to see me more? No idea. Maybe either one, or maybe neither one. I just don't want anything to do with anyone. So, the conclusion is to 'kill' all possibility even if they are not possible in the first place.

I had a dream about Suzanne recently. She wrote me an email. I don't remember the whole email but there is one line I especially remember that sounds like "I miss you. You can't imagine how much.. it's true that it seems like I am mad at you but I am not.. I can't be mad at you Louis. I miss you but I can't do anything..". Dream dream dream.. a friend told me anything is possible in dreams (and I do agree with her). But in real life.. well.. there are reasons why pessimists say "real life sucks" right? Honestly, I still wonder what to do with her. I don't know for sure. That left me with nothing but wait and see.

Suzanne Chang VI: Poison Inside Me

It's been days and day after day, I dream about Suzanne. I must be sick or am I poisoned? Earlier today, I sneezed when I was brushing my teeth and then I felt something flowing down my nostrils. I thought it's mucus but it felt less sticky. Then, one drop fell into the sink. It's blood.

Dreams

I've been dreaming about Suzanne a lot. Maybe not everyday but it's almost so. Most of the time, it's the same dream. Occasionally, it's another. The dream I have the most is about I was forgiven. In this dream, she said she is not mad and if I must hear it, she will just say that she accepts my apology.

It sure sounds nice but everyday, I woke up from that dream realizing I am not forgiven. I am still at the same place, seeking forgiveness. The wish to be forgiven must be so deeply ingrained in my mind that I have a recurring dream about it.

The other dream I have.. I'm there with her, spending time together. It's either yum cha or just there, sitting and talking. So.. we were together in the dream. Not together as in being in a relationship but together as in just spending time together. Maybe this dream is there to remind me that I just wanted to be around her.. it doesn't have to be a date, I don't really have to be her boyfriend so that I am around her. As a friend will do. That is my desire.

Then again, I always wake up from these dreams realizing I am alone. I am not forgiven, I am not accepted. Nothing that I wish is true and maybe none of them will ever come true. The fact all what I want only exist in dreams might mean that God is telling me "Don't even wish because in your dream, your wishes come true but not in real life". It's another way to say "Screw you Louis".

Facebook and Galaxy S II

Although the main reason I log into Facebook is not to keep in touch with Suzanne alone, the fact that she deleted and blocked me out on Facebook became the main reason I no longer log into it. Similarly, the main reason I bought my Samsung Galaxy S II and register a new number with it has nothing to do with Suzanne alone but to keep in touch with those I don't want to lose contact with (herself included). Yet, the fact that she no longer replies to my SMS and answers my calls became main the reason I no longer use it.

I know it sounds crazy. She became the reason for everything that ends now, although she is not the reason they happened in the first place? Sounds pretty confusing huh? But it's true no matter how stupid it sounds like. If you don't believe it, you can try and ask people I contact a lot (like my sister). Recently, I have been contacting them with my old number ONLY. Well, that is if you know them. Doesn't matter if you don't though, as I am not here to prove anything to you anyway.

Work and Tasks

Like always, it's the busiest time of the year. Year end stock check and auditing. I also have several tasks on hand (regarding my sister's wedding invitation and several meetings). Also, I made a mistake and did the stock check last week when a re-stock is coming soon two weeks later. That means I'll have to re-do some stock check.

With this kinda busy schedule, I was awestruck with what happened between me and Suzanne. I always need a long time to recover from relationship break ups but this time, it's different. It's the one in which I might lose more than a girlfriend. The one in which I will also lose a friend who has been there for the last six years. The fact that this break up is due to my error makes things worse and harder to face and accept.

The idea to look for a new job is also still there, but I haven't done anything about it yet. Too little time to do something like that now. Part of it is due to Suzanne. She killed my desire to do anything. Yet, I am writing this post? Yes, I am in the mood to write this because I wanted to release some stress and express myself so that I can feel a little better. And yes, I said that although I know it won't help at all. Today, when I was discussing something with the Sime Darby Merotai Division's manager, I lose myself quite a bit. I am not listening to some of what he said. Hopefully what I heard is enough to make the deal through.

Health Warning

Been having several mild migraines lately and today, I had a nose bleeding. Probably due to being too tired and stressed. But it never get this bad before so I hope it's not something like deadly disease. Also, after I wake up from my sleep in which I had dreams about Suzanne, I always have this discomfort in my heart. Irregular heartbeat and an uncomfortable feeling.

What Now?

My brother told me he wishes to further his study and asked if I am interested as well. I am thinking of going somewhere else. Probably New Zealand or Australia and start a new life. I can't sit here in Tawau because it reminds me of Suzanne. I will also go offline as the internet also reminds me of her.

Hmm.. that is if I can live a long life, a life in which I need to escape from harsh environments and situations. If on the other hand I have a short life to live, then I'll be glad because I don't have to run away from anyone or any place.

I'm still seeking forgiveness though. Is it necessary? Or is it just so that I can feel better? Not really. I want to be forgiven and accepted as her friend again because for me, Suzanne's forgiveness and acceptance is really very very important. If you ask me what will happen after that (she forgives and accept me as her friend again), I am not sure.

Probably some of you think that I want her to forgive and accept me as her friend again so that I still have hope to become her boyfriend. Honestly, I used to think so but now, that is no longer the case. I want to be around her, as her friend only. Of course, I will never say never to her but it's not the dream anymore. Or maybe I am no longer looking that far into the future.

In conclusion, I still expect nothing more than forgiveness and acceptance. Reminds you on Cloud? How he wanted Aerith to forgives and everyone else to accept him? Of course, in his case, it's different. Aerith never held him responsible for her death and his friends never rejected him. In his case, he is the one who blames himself on Aerith's death and because he thinks although he wanted to, he is not fit enough to be around his friends to protect them. Rightfully so, he isolated himself due to his wrong perception.

17.11.11 Report

Grandpa's doing it again

Last night, I said today will be a tiring day. It turns out that I finished my task earlier than I expected. However, it is, a tiring day. That would be due to my grandpa.

Grandpa has always been a person who can hardly tolerate. Since he came back from KK a few days ago, the muscle around his 'needle cap' is swollen. Today, he said it's painful. So, I brought him to his doctor.

On the way there, my cousin called me. He asked me to fetch him and bring him along because he is the most familiar with grandpa's medication. He insists, so I had to turn around although I am right there, in front of the clinic already. What a waste of time and fuel.

At the clinic, the doctor inspected grandpa's 'needle cap'. He said it's fine, the flesh around the cap is swollen because of the needle's mis-insertion and the swelling will subside by itself. As usual, grandpa insists on getting medication. So, the doctor prescribed him some antibiotics, pain killers and gastrointestinal medicines.

Car

Actually, it has been quite a while my car needed some 'servicing'. The driver's seat belt is stuck (won't re-roll itself) and the rear signals is white in color (the rule is, the color of the signal lights must be amber in color). I am lucky that I never get summoned for that although I met several police inspections.

Furthermore, the rear skirting has a +/- one feet crack after it was 'kissed' by a driver back when I went to buy a box of chocolate for Suzanne. How it happened? I reversed my car out from the parking and the driver behind me stopped so that he can take the parking slot I just emptied. However, he swerved in too fast soon after (to go into the slot) and 'dup'! The crack is there ever since.

So, I am car-less for now. Anyone wants to go on an outing with me will have to wait for a while. I am willing to let my car goes into the 'hospital' because I won't be meeting Suzanne for now anyway. Planned to find her, and apologize but.. maybe it's a good idea to let her cool down first. To be quite frank, I can't stop thinking of her.

Haircut

Went to have a haircut today. And I changed my hairstyle. The girl who cuts my hair today, Miss Wong whatever her full name is, is kinda talkative today. She asked me how old am I, what do I do, how many siblings I've got, and so on and so forth.

Hmm.. I like my new hairstyle. It's especially for my sister's wedding banquet. Probably I'll try another one because I like a shorter style. Short and spiky instead of this semi-long and spiky.

That's all I guess. Pretty exhausted now because I slept for only three hours last night. Insomniac again, recently..

Suzanne Chang V

Went out with my sister, brother in law and brother for a yum cha session (for my brother and me, it's dinner). On the way down, I was driving alone (my brother is waiting for me at Parkwell).

Half and hour drive to Parkwell, I am alone. Driving and experiencing something. I felt like something or rather someone is missing. Yup. Suzanne is. Without her, I felt very.. alone. I kept thinking about her and I took a wrong turn into a one-way street from the opposite way (there's no car coming from the other way, so I managed to turn into the right way soon after).

Hmm.. I'll have to be more careful next time, or I might get myself a summon ticket. Focus on what I am doing, especially when it comes to driving.

I texted Suzanne this morning. I told her my one wish. I just want to be her 'normal' friend. I don't want to be her net friend because she and I no longer log into MSN that much. It's inevitable that one day, she and I will go offline. If we remain net friends, the time one of us go offline will be a 'The End'. I don't want to experience something like that.

She didn't reply. Probably she is too disappointed already. Can I say sorry, promise that I will never ever hurt her feelings anymore and get myself forgiven? I just don't know. I really wish I have an answer for that.

The whole night.. I was chatting with my sister, brother in law and brother but I lost attention once in a while. My mind wanders somewhere else. It's weird you know.. you feel different, you feel incomplete. Without Suzanne around, even a simple yum cha session has such a big difference.

It will be a tiring day tomorrow, so I guess that's all for now. Another post will go online tomorrow if I am free.

Suzanne Chang IV

Want to say "Another post about Suzanne Chang?! Oh come on!!"? Stop reading if that's what you think. I am not asking nor forcing you to anyway. Read at your own will.

Yesterday, my aunt came from Johor. She will be staying here for a month and leave after my sister's wedding banquet. Getting back to the point, she said "Wah! You've got a car now. Going out with girlfriend a lot?". Hearing that, grandma said "Him? He's got a lot of girlfriend already la.. not only one".

It sure sounds like grandma kinda dislikes that I am breaking my friendship with Suzanne. She doesn't know.. how can I wish for such a thing? I can never be too mad at Suzanne, that I can't forgive her.

I texted Suzanne. I told her the same sentence. I told her why I am mad at her. I am mad, because she and I chatted for six years, we chatted until we have the desire to meet up (to convert this net-friendship into a real world one). Then, we chatted further again, until we developed feelings for each other. Positive? Not really. After one meet up, I made a couple of mistakes. She then said she wanna be friends only. Not long after, she said "It's net friends only".

I don't know how someone else would feel like if they were to be treated like that, but I am pissed. However, the fact is still there. That's why I texted her today. She didn't reply.. it's her style, it no longer amaze me to be honest. It is, however, true that I don't want to lose her. I can be anything for her. What I can't be, is a nobody.

I chatted with Catherine a few days ago. I told her I am unhappy. She talked to me.. I then asked myself "How can Catherine still talk to me like that, but Suzanne can't?". It proved what I said. Suzanne was sweet and 'perfect' (she is not really perfect, but good enough to be.. sounds familiar?). I want that Suzanne back.

I don't expect Suzanne would reply me. But that doesn't mean I don't want her to. What will happen to me and her after this? I don't know and so, I can't answer you that. I can only say "I hope she will change her mind about the net-friendship thing and take me as her real life friend. Boyfriend or not, is really beyond my capability to think right now and rightfully so, I no longer think about that. Now, the priority is to make her to accept me as her real life friend".

Suzanne Chang III

When I was writing my previous post, I saw Joyce on MSN. Yes, I blocked her out but I still can see her so, I sent her a message asking her "I want to ask you something. Did you tell or say anything about me with Suzanne?" to which she replied with "@@ y le?". I then asked again, "Have or not?". After that, she left without answering me. I sent her another message just a moment ago saying "I warn you. Don't simply say things just as you wish".

In case you're wondering why I asked Joyce that, it's because Suzanne mentioned her name yesterday when we argued. Suzanne said "I am not Joyce". I don't know what she meant with that. But I don't like it because I felt like Joyce has told her something. Something bad about me. As Joyce is, her mouth can say anything, including self created stories. Doesn't matter if she did, Suzanne should know better if she (Joyce) really did said anything bad about me.

Grandma knows
Grandma knows about Suzanne. She saw Suzanne's picture I used as my phone's wallpaper. In fact, she likes Suzanne. Almost every Saturday, she will ask me to ask Suzanne out. The way she says it.. it was as if she's shooing me away from home.

As Suzanne and I had this great argument, I no longer sure if I'll meet Suzanne anymore (because I don't think she will want to meet me anymore). So, I told grandma about me and Suzanne breaking our friendship up. I didn't tell her the whole truth though. I reversed the story which goes like this..

I decided to no longer pursue Suzanne because she is too silent, and I found out that she is not suitable for me because we lack topics to chat with. Furthermore, I can't stand her. This is of course the opposite of what happened. I reversed Suzanne's side of the story with mine.

The next morning after I told her that, grandma talked to me. She said "I can't sleep last night.. I think Suzanne must be very hurt after you told her you are breaking up your friendship with her". I.. didn't know grandma would take it as serious as that. So I said "It doesn't matter. She will get better soon and better, more suitable guys will come to her life". Then, grandma replied me with "I am not talking about the future. I am talking about the pain you gave her".

I really never thought grandma likes Suzanne that much. She further said I should give Suzanne another chance (in fact, I am the one who is waiting for Suzanne to give me another chance), I should realize that no couple in this world will ever be able to be conflict resistant (again, I am the one who wished Suzanne realized that) and I should apologize to Suzanne (this is not possible because although I am a person who believes in 'doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, I can be the one to say sorry', I don't think it's the solution).

This time, the solution should be to get Suzanne to reflect on what I told her in the email I sent her yesterday. Like I said in the SMS I sent her after I sent her the email, if she still think she's right, it's a goodbye for us.

Suzanne Chang II

Very direct to the point, today, I argued with Suzanne. I am pretty mad with her today. To be quite frank, I am seriously pissed. I have never been this mad at someone before so I guess I must have tolerated with her, beyond my capability. It's like a giant volcano eruption that destroyed the world because it was held in for too long.

Why am I so pissed? I think without the basic knowledge on what's between me and her, it's hard to tell and understand. Time for flashback..

I got to know Suzanne about six years ago. Back then, we were on Friendster. Unlike now, back then, her hair was short. Short as in very short, just like a decent guy's hair. At that point of time, we never really chat that much. Probably at that moment, she's busy taking care of her younger brother because something happened to her elder brother and her parents were busy attending to him. We traded a few Friendster messages and that's it I guess.

We don't chat much. Not until about four years ago, which is two years after I got to know her. Our main method of communication, turned into MSN. With that, we began to chat more. As we chatted more, we seem to get along so well. She also became someone I express my feelings to and share my problems with.

She is a sweet girl. Not really talkative but listen well. She is, I'd say the perfect listener. Of course, nobody is perfect but for me, she is good enough to be 'perfect'. After Catherine, she is the first person I fell for. But I never told her that.

In between the fourth and fifth year, I spend more time with the others, such as Kyleen, Elise, KS, Cynthia and a few other FFS players. I am still keeping in touch with Suzanne, just that we chat less in the fifth year. Also, in the fourth year, I 'dated' someone else. It is however, a short 'date' on the net. Net or real life, I am serious because if I don't mean it, I won't do and say it. A short two months and a half later, I broke up with that girl.

This year (sixth), I began to actively chat on MSN. My list of active chat-mate is Elise, Rachel and of course, Suzanne who is missing from MSN in the fifth year and re-appeared this year. We chatted, chatted and chatted until one day, she said she has feelings for me. I told her the same thing but in that same chat, one of us (whoever mentioned it first, I forgot) said we will be friends for now. I never fell for the same girl twice.. I told Ivy that but when Suzanne and I traded that "I have feelings for you", I realized my feeling for her is back.. Suzanne is therefore, officially the ONLY person I fell for twice.

For as long as I've known her, she has been asking me "Are you free?" a lot. So do I. It seems like the two of us wanted to convert our net-friendship into a real life one. We haven't been able to do that until I got my own car recently.

First impression? She is just the girl I knew for six years.. So? Like I said, I have feelings for her, I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend. But I want to ask her out for a few more times, so that she and I can get to know each other more (being friends on the net is not similar to being friends in real life). We need to see for ourselves, who the person next to us is and what are they like.

After the first meet up, I texted her several times. She is busy busy busy. She rarely replies to my SMS. Then, tension built up. My mistake, is to chat with Ivy. She is the reason Suzanne and I argued for the first time. I then planned to apologize to Suzanne. I bought her a box of chocolate. In the car, I asked her "Are you mad at me?". She said no. I am glad of course. Before she left my car that night, she said "Next time, don't waste your money to buy these expensive gifts okay?". So I thought "She asked me to not waste my money to buy gifts for her, NEXT TIME!" that means I can meet her again.

However, she sent me an email later, saying she won't meet me anymore. I am shocked. Her reason for that, is she and I can't get along well. We lack topics to chat around about, we have no linkage as if we were living in a different world. When I heard that, I was totally down. She also said she won't accept strangers into her social circle and told me to not waste my time as well as hers. Imagine how I felt when I read that..

Today, I SMS-ed her again. She replied. In a good way? Not at all. She asked me to not become someone annoying and irritating. I was very very mad when I read those two words. I sent her another email, which I don't know if she read. In that email, I told her how mad I am with her attitude. How she was a perfect and sweet girl who became someone else entirely. I told her, how terrible she is..

After I sent her that email, whether or not she has read it, I felt heartbroken. I can't scold those who I care and love. Every time I did, I'll be heartbroken. Today, the feeling is very intense. I must love her so much. More than Catherine, more than any other ex of mine. I hope she will read that email, because if she did and realize that she must become her former self, I will welcome her back. The girl who is sweet and 'perfect'.

Grandpa O Grandpa!

I forgot when was grandpa diagnosed with cancer. I didn't even want to try to remember when was that because it no longer matter.

However, I remember well what happened since then. Grandpa went to undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy, came back three months later, went back for a follow up check, then, he shocked us with two dots in his lungs' x-ray result. We don't know what is that two dots even today.

Grandpa was prescribed with a medicine to control cancer cells following that x-ray result. Taking that medicine, he showed signs of fever, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. One week after taking the medicine, he refused to finish his remaining one week course. Everyone were trying hard to convince him to finish his course.

Then, one day, before the two weeks course were due, he hid his medicine away, pretending he lost them. Luckily, my uncle has got some extra, given to him by the doctor. While grandpa's effort to stop taking the medicine were thwarted, his tantrum is beginning to worry us.

I forgot to mention that he likes to visit the so-called chinese medicine practitioner so much. I am not going to give his name here because I don't want any trouble but I am sure, he is not helping my grandpa much. I must say, he even cause more harm than good!!

The last time I brought my grandpa there (due to his insistence), my grandpa is still fine. However, after he took the medicine prescribed that day, he began to show signs of allergic reaction. He got itchy all over and he scratched, scratched and scratched until his skin got torn. No.. not torn to the point his flesh can be seen but torn until it bleeds.

My grandma tried to persuade him to stop by saying "What if the wound gets worse?". My grandpa nonchalantly said "If that's the case, I'll just have my hands chopped off". Imagine how my grandma must have felt when she heard that.. On the other hand, I am not that patient nowadays. I scolded him. I told him if I am to see him scratch one more time, I'll pull all his finger nails off.

I know that sounds pretty rude. But no, I am not running out of patience for him. I am just trying to scare him. Despite of my effort, he still scratches around, hiding somewhere! If you ask me how did I know, I can see new scratch marks. I can tell that it wasn't there before a certain time.

Now, his itchy skin/allergic symptoms is going away. I think he will be okay soon. He is going to KK again tomorrow, for the next follow up check. Hopefully, we won't be getting any new spots to wonder what is.

Don't Believe in God but Can He Saves Me?

I was paid a visit by someone who introduced herself as Jehovah's Witnesses today. Obviously, she was here to tell me things about Christianity. She came at the right time because I am really free this morning.

After she is done talking, she asked me what is my biggest issue right now. I then told her about Suzanne. No, I am not a person who likes to leak my personal stuffs to others but maybe I am running out of idea on what to do and so, is looking for a solution here.

She listened carefully to what I said and asked several questions to get more details. Okay.. I am pretty aware she is not a person from the counselling field but.. I seriously need a solution. Whoever can give me that, I don't care as long as it's a solution. Idea on what to do.

Her analysis is a long one. According to her (her opinion of course), Suzanne and I failed to communicate properly as we lack communication skills. Suzanne is too silent and keeps everything to herself, while I have problem using words to tell my own feeling and thoughts. She further said that maybe Suzanne and I didn't realize this point because we have no problem communicating with friends.

Communicating methods to use to communicate with friends and people we love are different. She gave me examples and told me that if I want to save my friendship/relationship (she can't tell the difference because she never heard of such complicated case), I'll have to meet Suzanne and tell her face to face, what's my thoughts.

I also told her about my last message to Suzanne. Her opinion on that? I should find Suzanne and say sorry because my message must be a hurtful one for her.

As for Ivy's thoughts and scolding, she said I don't have to mind about it as what is important is Suzanne's thoughts. I have to save myself so that Suzanne doesn't have negative thoughts on me, not Ivy.

For the part where Suzanne told Ivy that 'She and I may be not suitable', she said the word 'may be' is there because Suzanne only felt so, and even she herself (Suzanne), is not really sure if that's the case.. I must say, I didn't even notice that 'may be' is there..

What should I do now? I think I will go and find Suzanne, tell her face to face, what's in my mind, apologize and hug her? The hug part is pretty hard to do but the girl told me I should, because while what I said during the meet up may open her heart and cheer her up, the hug will be the one 'hand I'll touch her heart with'. I don't know if I can do that. Haven't done that for years already..

Back to School

It has been 11 years since I last set foot to a place called 'school'. The last time I went to my school, was when I went there to get my temporary SPM certificate.

Seriously, I haven't claim my official certificate until today. That was lame I know but I am not the only one who did this. When I was there today, I saw more than 50 unclaimed certificates!

Some names seem familiar. Beverly Lo, Chin Kim Fong, Lim Siu Ting and so on.. My former classmates. I can't believe that I still remember some of them. But I also can't believe that I no longer know some such as Tan Khai Loon, Lee Set Mei and a few other names. These names sound so unfamiliar for me. Yet they are my former classmates too!

I also bumped into one of my former teacher. I don't remember his name but I know he teached me Bahasa Melayu (yes, Bahasa Malaysia was once known as Bahasa Melayu) when I was in Form 2. He.. remembers who am I!

When I crossed path with him, we chatted a bit..

Teacher: "Eh?! You're my former students. What are you doing here today?".

Me: "Oh.. uh.. I am here for my SPM certificate".

Teacher: "Wah! Now only you come to get it ar?!".

Me: [Laugh] "Ya.. I was in New Zealand for years. I came back in July (obviously, that's a lie)".

Teacher: "I see. Come, I'll get it for you".

Me: "Okay. Thanks".

After I am done, before I left my school's general office, my former teacher asked me to drop by anytime and spend him to a cup of tea at the canteen. I smiled and said "Sure". Well, I didn't mean it. But why not?

Okay.. how does it feels like to re-visit my school a decade later? It feels odd to be honest. It feels like you are going home to a place you used to be in but the place has changed so much that you can hardly remember anything about it.

The only place I see haven't change in my school is the 'Pusat Minda'. Not really didn't change at all. They seems to have added some racks there where they keep some reading material.

There is one weird feeling actually. Those students there.. They are so very young. I feel like I am very old when I was there. In fact, I am. I am 28 anyway. Could have been their teacher don't you think?!

While I saw only one former teacher of mine, I think some of the others are still there. Mr. Koh, Mr. Chan, Miss Lim, Miss Agnes are there I think because I saw their names and pictures on the notice board, alongside the other teachers' in the 'Barisan Guru-guru SM Holy Trinity 2011'. There were a lot of new faces there too. Faces I never seen.

Those students seem rather interested with my presence. I am sure, for them, I am an outsider in their school compound. Probably they thought I am a new teacher because I walked beside my former teacher? Or maybe they were jealous with me because I am wearing jeans and t-shirt (something they can't wear in the school compound). LOL

The short ten minutes I was there is a very special feeling. Like I said, it feels like you are finally home at somewhere you used to spend your time 'growing up' after so very many years that the place feels different because it has changed.

I wonder if I will ever set foot there again. Maybe not.. I never have much friends back in my time in secondary school because I talk so little and for me, I counted only less than 10 close friends in my social circle back then.

Well, today, I went back there and then I left. This time, maybe for good. Goodbye Holy Trinity, my home where I grew up in. The five years I spent under your roof is not much enjoyable for me back then but now, I see you as the place where wonderful memories happen despite of my shortness of friends back then.

Suzanne Chang

Somebody to love..
Before I go on, I have a confession to make. I fell for a girl and her name is Suzanne. But today, the day I realize it, is also the day I 'broke up' with her.

The pain that persist..
They say if you are stressed, shout yourself out and you'll feel better. I tried.. I sent Suzanne one SMS, one Facebook message, one Facebook status and also one Open Letter. Now, I even blog about it. I did all that yet I don't feel any better.

Heart broken..
Today, I got to feel it again. The feeling of being heart broken.

Flashback..
A few days ago, I sent Suzanne an SMS. I asked her if she still has that feelings for me. She did not reply and I sent her another one saying if she says yes, I'd probably have asked her to be my girlfriend.

Today..
Today, she replied to both. She said "I thought we made a deal a long long time ago that we will be friends only". I struggled and flipped through the memory book, 'looking' for the 'deal'.

Then I found it. "We will be friends for now". I supposed that's it. 'For now'. I said/agreed to it at that time because I am not sure where will Suzanne be deployed to. I don't want to bound her into a distanced relationship. The hardest relationship to keep alive. The relationship that tests couples in every aspect, only to cause them nightmare that will haunt them even if they do make it to marriage. I made/agreed to the deal, because I am trying to protect Suzanne.

Sure, I told her that today. Not once but a couple of times. I tried to get her to give me a chance. Even if she wants me to start all over again, I'll do it. Because I know now, not only I have feelings for her but I fell for her.

It's too late to say that now because to say that is merely making excuse. I did a mistake. I want to correct it and so I pleaded for a chance. 'A' as in one chance.

Nobody can describe how I feel now. No word can describe it. Regret? Despair? Broken? I don't know which one to use. It's a mixed up feeling. It's definitely not a nice feeling. That's for sure.

It's my sister's wedding and the banquet is coming soon. I have to help her with the preparations and I have to show that smile to everyone as if I am very happy. This is my first time having to smile when I am not happy. It will be hard to do that I am sure. I will have to be a good faker to do that well.

I am still waiting for my plea to be heard. To be honest, I don't think Suzanne will be giving me any chance. Not to say she is cruel, but she is a person who sticks by her decision. I really hope this can be an exception.

All my ex knows that at some point, I told them they are special. But Suzanne is special in so many ways. I would have truly lost someone very precious if I am to lose her.

26.10.11 Report

It's weird.. I have been here for quite a while tonight but I couldn't figure out on what to write.

I'll.. uh.. just write about what I did and what happened today I guess..

Hmm.. Today, I sent someone an SMS. She didn't reply, so I sent another one. Then, I called her. She didn't answer, so I leave her alone. Later, around 5-6 p.m., I sent her another one. Then, another one. None of them are replied.. *Sad*

Grandpa is doing it again. Today, he is pretty pissed. He said his mouth hurts because there's a small pimple-like-swelling in it. Who did he scolds today? Grandma.. Grandpa said it's grandma's soup that caused the pimple-like-swelling in his mouth.

I think grandpa is just trying to 'beri alasan'. Well.. he really does have the pimple-like-swelling but to say he can't eat anything because of that is way off mark. So, grandma had to cook him porridge today.

Day by day, I see that grandpa is behaving weirder and weirder. He is getting harder and harder to reason with and that stresses everyone, especially grandma and uncle. Both of them losses their temper a couple of times.

How much can a person do in a day? Today is also a busy day. Customers are rushing in to stock up on ingredients to make cookies for 'Hari Raya Haji' or more well known as 'Hari Raya Korban'. Also, there are lotsa people who came for motorcycle spare parts (to repair their bike for the heavy task of blazing up and down the street during the holiday maybe?). I was running around, busier than a busy bee..

My phone rang several times too. That pisses me off because I am actually waiting for some SMS from that person I mentioned earlier.

Only after I am off and chatted with two friends, I can chill it. Feel pretty tired though. Planned to go out this weekend with someone if that someone is free.

Traits

You know, sometimes, you really need others to 'introduce' you to 'yourself'. I mean without others, you might not even know your certain characteristics.

So, what kind of character I have? Hmm.. I don't like it when people won't stop talking about things I don't like to hear. When people does that, I tend to become silent. It can be seen on my face the I-don't-wanna-hear-on-will-you-please-stop-talking looks.

I don't usually talk when I am having meals. Respect your foods? You slaughtered chickens, cows, pig and so on.. the least you can do when they were served onto the table is to eat them in peace. Right? LOL

I'm a patient guy. But one shouldn't try and test to see how far can I go because when I do reach that stage, they won't like it. You can ask my ex and some other friends who has tasted my wrath.

Perfection seeker. Yes, I am that too. I think I posted this in my old blogger account. I like perfection. A little black dot on a piece of white paper is not allowed. I like to see things in straight lines. A little bent, I will correct them.

There sure is more. But I can't state all of them because that's not the point on why I am writing this. I am writing this, because I want to share about the latest trait I learnt about myself.

Here goes.. I don't like it when my messages goes unreplied and my phone calls unanswered. When someone does that (not replying to my messages and answering my phone calls), my desire to call and message them further will drop. Don't try this one, unless you wanna stop getting messages and phone calls from me. I did warned you.. LOL

Penrose Steps

Hah! A blogging marathon I have tonight, two blog post in one night. Let's see.. how about some dreams sharing? I haven't been sharing about my dreams that much recently.

Okay.. I'm gonna share about this Inception-like dream of mine. I have been having this dream before I even watch Inception. And now that I watched Inception, I know how to describe it. Well, I mean name it. It's the Penrose Steps.

If you watched Inception, you must remember Penrose Steps right? Arthur called it paradox and loops. In Inception, dreamer used this paradox design to escape the subject's raging subconscious.

In my dream, the Penrose Steps is different. Well, it's still a loop in which I go round and round in but it's separated into many sections. Some parts are normal stairs, some are eerie (akin to those step Angelica Lee ran down in Re-cycle), some are exquisite, some meet dead ends and some are broken (from where you can look down and see a very deep and dark abyss).

Some of these steps lead to doors. Some of these doors are locked and some are not. If they are not locked, they'll lead to more stairs! I don't know if you get what I meant, but it's like you open an unlocked door, and there, you find yourself standing at the junction of stairs.

I don't know why I always have this recurring dream back when I was a kid. I won't say the dream is sequenced because I am in control of myself, I can pick whichever stairs I want to climb up or down. Yet, the dream itself seems to be set in the same Penrose Steps.

I've been having this dream less and less as I grow up but I do still have it once in a while. Not recently though..

Walking Down the Memory Lane

Recently, I've been having a lot of time to think. And yes, that's what I did. Walking down the memory lane, I found out there's something quite unique. LOL

You see, all these while, I have been chatting a lot. More specifically, on MSN Messenger and Facebook. From these two places, I got to know a lot of people. And also sadly, lost some.

I can say, most of them are still here though. Let's see.. the first to come to my mind, is Kyleen (because she I am chatting actively since I got to know her on Facebook). But she and I am now chatting less and less. Even if we do cross path and talked to each other nowadays, it's only about Monavie.

Then, there's Elise, Tan Kang Soon, Tay Li Wei and uh.. many others through a Facebook game by the name Friends for Sale! (sounds familiar?). Along the way, this 'many others' began to disappear. I mentioned the three name because they are the ones that's left (still keeping in touch with).

There's one I almost forgot. My 'jie'. She is the only one I've ever called so and she is one of those who has disappeared. Disappearing along with her is Doris. Doris as I remember her, is somewhat childish at first. Eventually, she changed though. What happened to her and where is she now, is beyond my knowledge.

Seriously, after a chat with Elise one night, I believe I've changed too. Elise told me that I was too pessimistic, I have to be more optimistic and how I should do new things, meet new people and how if I do become an optimist, I can 'spread' my positive feelings to others.

I don't know how to describe that chat and how can one simple chat like that change me. But it is not just me that night's chat changed. It also changed my relationship with Elise. Changed like how you ask? Changed like fading I'd say. Elise and I now hardly chat with each other. Will she disappear just like the others? I hope not. I hope she and I will be friends just like always, since the day I got to know her.

There's one special person. Her name is Suzanne and she is actually my oldest net friend. I knew her since I'm an active Friendster user. I actually lost count as to how long I've known her.

To be honest, unlike the others, she and I never really chat a lot since I got to know her. In fact, we just met (in real life) for the first time last week. Compared to the others, her relationship with me, is a 'growing' one. I mean while I began to talk less and less to the others, Suzanne and I am actually starting to communicate more.

Suzanne is a cold girl in many ways. I'd say I'll be lucky enough to get one reply from her, out of five SMS-es I sent. That's SMS. I called her thrice and out of that three, only one was answered.. and that was the first phone call. Well, maybe she is just not so into SMS and phone calls. Well, no doubt that must be the case because she does talk a whole lot more in face to face scenario. Despite of all that, I think she is actually a lovely and sweet girl.

Anyone reading wonders if I am pissed or disappointed when Suzanne doesn't reply to my SMS-es and answer my phone calls? LOL.. No I am not pissed nor disappointed. When my SMS goes unreplied and phone call unanswered, I just go on and tell myself "She must be very busy" and then stop thinking about it. You know, it's an easy and good temper management technique. LOL

How many net friends I have? I forgot.. but for sure, the only one who actually 'upgraded' from net to real life friend is none other than Suzanne. Oh.. what a long section I attributed to Suzanne..

I must say, I haven't become a good optimist. A real optimist believes in 'good' results and ending while I merely learnt to expect less. Yes yes.. that sounds more like a pessimist. But to expect less doesn't mean I don't work hard to get what I want, to get that 'good' ending I desire. Hmm.. I am more a pessimist who doesn't give up right?

My sister will hold her wedding banquet this December. She told me to bring Suzanne along but.. I don't think that's possible because Suzanne will be going travelling then. Even my November 11th event is a no go.

Aiks.. this post sounds more and more unlike a 'walking down the memory lane'. Better stop now before I fail this 'composition'.

Changes

Couldn't put myself to sleep.. Probably it's not the time yet (I don't usually sleep before 10). So, here I am, mashing my keyboard.

Oh.. About the title.. Let's start this post in an old fashioned way.

Once upon a time, there's a different me. Pessimist is the one word to best describe me. I think a lot. I see some things and I began to think 'what if this' and 'what if that'.

Why think? I don't know.. but I see now, why thinking too much is bad for one's health!

Have you ever wonder why you miss things or more specifically, chances? Yes. It's none other than you having been thinking too much. You think too much, you become slow and you see things way too far that you don't see the truth. The truth that the more you see, the more you become a pessimist.

If you are confused, let me give you an example.

Mr. Louis.. He likes to think. Thinking is for him, like meals he had to have each and everyday. LOL

So, Mr. Louis likes a girl.. He then think "I wonder if she likes me?". This stupidity of Mr. Louis, forced the girl to '暗示' to him that she likes him and.. again, Mr. Louis thought "Does she really mean it? Or is it someone else she wants to express herself to?". So, the girl gets irritated and someone else courted the girl away. Poor Mr. Louis, he ends up being alone.. because he thought too much. DON'T END UP LIKE MR. LOUIS THE PESSIMIST!

Now, Mr. Louis is an optimist. If the same situation applies, the example I gave will turn out this way..

So, Mr. Louis likes a girl.. He then think "I wonder if she likes me? Let's ask her on a date to find out". On the date, the girl told Mr. Louis that she likes someone without revealing who that someone is.. again, Mr. Louis thought "Doesn't matter who she meant, whether it's me, or someone else, I should tell her that I like her. If I can love her, why can't I tell her? Right?". So, Mr. Louis put himself into action mode and asked the girl to be his girlfriend. Oh.. How it ended up, is unknown but at least, Mr. Louis is now an optimist and does what he should have done.

Charming examples huh? LOL

Anyway, earlier today, my mood really run the negative way. I am back to my pessimist self but now, I am Okay. I don't really almost can't believe that I can get better this quick. Maybe being an optimist really can change you.. it won't be able to stop you from being down because that's part of life! What matters is if you're an optimist, you recover faster than a pessimist. In fact, a pessimist can fall into a danger mode where he ends up falling deeper and deeper into the abyss called 'sorrow'.

I know.. so far, I only mentioned one part of me that has changed but this one part is a big part and this one part affects almost everything.

Who gave me the idea to become an optimist? I really wanted to tell you that person's name but I know that person is reading this and to this person, I want to say "Thank you".

Updates

Another sudden and big sized update here. One thing you must have noticed here, is a new theme for my blog! Why a new theme? Uh... the old one was there for quite a long time and it's getting boring. That's one. Two, I wanted to see something new! The white is a total opposite of black that I used before this. Besides, I told a friend that I wanted to be happy from then on. That's the three.

Hmm... let's see... what is it that I wanted to post here? Seems like my blogging skill is a bit rusty now. Haha... I'll... um... just update in parts I think.

Grandpa
This is not really a new or recent thing but I never talked about it here, so, I guess it's an update.

My grandpa was diagnosed to have cancer. What do they call it in medical terms, I don't know. But the tumor is was there in his nasal passage. After chemo and radiotherapy, he's now free from cancer.

Last few weeks, we got another shocking news. Grandpa's x-ray result shows two 'dots' in his lung. What could that be? We were worried, especially grandma. She asked me "What else can it be, other than cancer? Your aunt said only 'tumor' would shows up as 'dots' in x-ray results".

I was speechless.. I tried to reach Kyleen to ask her if it could be something else so that I can tell my grandma, so that I can comfort her... but I got no reply from Kyleen, so, I have to act like a pro and said "It can be a lot of thing, not only tumor. It can simply be an infection that can be healed with antibiotics". Yes, I lied... I am worried too, and I can't tell her what other things it might be (other than tumor) so that she doesn't get too worried.

Now, he has gained some weight it seems. Hopefully everything will be alright from now on. Nothing is more precious than your own health! So, don't smoke and drink. Love yourself, love your family...

Samsung vs Apple
This is an interesting one. Samsung vs Apple, and vice versa. I don't enjoy it though. Apple is clearly trying to steer Samsung off the list because they were afraid of them. I mean Galaxy S and Galaxy S II is similar to iPhone 3GS and iPhone 4 in design? Plus, Apple claimed that Samsung is causing confusion with their way too similar design to their iPhones. I must say this. If there is one such person who can't differ a Galaxy S and S II to iPhone 3GS and iPhone 4, that person must be the most stupid person in the whole universe.

The image above shows a real iPhone 4 copycat product. Sue them (CSL) instead of Samsung Apple! Don't sue your rival just because they are a threat, sue the one who truly steals! Don't be a coward Apple!!

The Girl
Ah... my favorite issue, I always post these kinda thing.

I finally told the girl I have feelings for her... her response? Not so good. She said "I have feelings for you too". So? It should be a good thing right? Well... I don't think she really does. She is nice... but she is kinda mysterious for me.

She doesn't talk much, and if I didn't start it first, she will not talk to me. For me, she is a 'cold' girl. A girl who doesn't talk much. Won't put her as emotionless, but yes, she sure seems like someone who is... um... how do I describe it? She is just different. She seems very easy to get along with when she talks to her friends... but that's not me.

While I do miss her, I am not concerned about that too much. All that matters for me now is my grandpa. No... the girl is important too. But it seems like there is nothing I can do to change the things between me and her now. I'll let time decides...

Parenthood

Weird title? No no.. I am not going to be a dad soon. Actually, it's my friends. Celine and Siew Lan. Well, they are happy mums now. I wonder how does being a parent feels like? I bet like everything else, there are two sides to it. Happy? Had to be worried all the time? Yes, that has got to be it.

In fact, both of them chatted with me last night. I gathered them both and placed them into a chat room with me. Guess what? We chatted for quite a while. It's true that when you enjoy something, time flies!

Oh! Did I mention that girls like to 'attack' guys when the feel like it or maybe I should say when they met their assault partner? That's what happened last night!

We started with some introduction because Siew Lan doesn't know Celine and vice versa. Then, main topic. How does it feels like to be a mother? They both seems to tell the same thing. When they knew they were pregnant, there is a sense of excitement. Like a silly guy, I asked "Aren't you two nervous or scared? Uh.. Of the pain of giving birth..". Both laughing, they said they are not until the day comes to give birth. Ya. It should be that way isn't it? It's like facing those year end exams. You're too busy getting excited over the long holiday you'll enjoy that you don't realize there is an exam before that!

Then, Celine said something that started the assault. She said "How about you Louis? You should be married now, have a child and even should be planning for the second one by now". Siew Lan 'nodding', said "Ya lo! You are 28 already eh! What are you waiting for?". I simply said "Uh.. Not ready for parenthood yet la..".

They rest is a long chat (assault). But both of them said I should be a very good dad. Haha.. How do they know? Celine said she still remembers how I took care of Bonny's brother. Then Siew Lan said she is surprised that I knew her son is sick from Hepatitis by just looking at his picture. Eh? His body is somewhat yellow-ish.. Should be easy to guess? Not to say she is not a good mum, but maybe she just didn't notice or didn't know that is in fact a symptom?

Either way, I don't really think I am ready for parenthood yet. Yes, I do want to be but.. There are still much to think about. Better plan carefully first I mean..

MSN Chat

Hmm.. A lot has happened recently. My grandpa got cancer, which really depressed me. I mean I am very worried and of course like always, I am mad. Why am I mad? Because it's a very cruel way to take someone's life.

Then, my two aunts and uncles aren't happy with each other. This of course, upsets my grandma. I have to be a middle person to tear my grandma out of this argument of them.

I actually wondered why are they acting like children? I mean over a very small matter? Shouldn't they be paying attention on to something else? Something much more important like my grandpa's wellbeing?

And recently, three friends of mine gave me more headache. The first one, asked me for financial help, the second one said things that never gets done and the third one.. I don't know how to elaborate but I want to tell this friend that I don't like to talk to someone who doesn't reply. One day when I stop trying to reach you and you find me, you'll get the 'whatever' kinda treatment.

As you can see, I have lotsa stuffs to worry about. But I am placing my friendship issues aside. They ain't urgent after all. But then, oops.. Came another one. This one is a special case. This friend and I chatted on MSN just a while ago. I wouldn't call it an argument, but there's a little 'drubbing' we had there.

I'll pick a line I used as an example in my chat with this friend "What would you say it feels (like) when you give someone something and that someone just roughly swiped it away from your hand and it fell onto the floor?". Why am I asking so? Because my friend felt that I turned moody after the 'drubbing'.

Yes.. The feeling when something in the line happened, is 'disappointed'. You feel unappreciated because in the line, the 'giving' is caring and when you care for someone who doesn't appreciate that you care for them, you feel disappointed.

Actually it upsets me. Seriously. But I am okay now. I hope my friend doesn't misunderstand. Why am I upset? Because I care. But I know, sometimes I care to the point I actually crossed the line without realizing it. I am not mad, I am not sad.

In fact the 'drubbing' is a good thing. My friend and I learned new things about each other, things that might be put to good use in the future. Anyway, this friend said "I care what you feel.. Let's not assume...". I didn't see that line just now! =.="

When I said "You're predictable and easy to guess" to my friend, I really mean it. But my friend can also be very hard to understand. I actually want to know what is this friend of mine thinking.

Wow! The way I talked about this friend.. Are you thinking she is a girl, or he is a guy? I will leave the guessing to you. Mystery prevails..

T.E.C.H.N.O.L.O.G.Y

Today, I'm not going to post anything about feelings and dreams. Today, I'm going ask you one question and tell you something about technology.

The question I'm going to ask you is, "What is your most up to date technology related possession?". I'm sure like everyone else, you do own a calculator right (or maybe used to own one)? It's like the most simple piece of gadget. In case you don't, I'm sure you're still a 'calculator' user through your mobile phone..

Are you a science/former science student? Then you've gotta own a scientific calculator. It's an advanced kinda calculator. And then, comes along the PC. Desktop, personal computer, mini work station, whatever you call it, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about right? My very first PC runs Windows 95! How archaic if you look at it now!

Long story short, the laptops came soon after that, to give us a portable PC. And not too long after that, Palm (PDA) came, trying to make PCs even smaller. But the problem is PDAs are not as 'advanced' as a PC so another PC came, by the name 'pocket computer'.

Then.. Mobile phones started to expand their functions list by adding PDAs' features. Calculator and notes are amongst the new functions we get. We call this new generation of phones 'feature phones'. Nowadays however, we call these phone 'dumb phones'. Why? Because they're not as 'smart' as smartphones which can surf the net, play videos, games and songs, add apps to bring more functions to our phone and so the list goes on and on..

That was the smartphone. Now we have super phones! Dual-core is the new 'in' as we say it. Samsung has one in the Galaxy S II which carry a 1.2Ghz dual-core processor. In case you don't know, our current laptops run dual-core too. That means super phones catched up with PC technology. Soon enough, super phones might even surpass PCs with quad-cores.

I don't predict this. It's already shown to the world. Tegra 3 processors runs at quad-core speed. That might be 2Ghz or more. Add this powerful processor's processing power with a 2 or 3GB RAM, and you get the new super phone formula. That's magnificent right? Our PC that runs quad-core is too expensive for you? Don't worry. You sure can afford a quad-core super phone which might cost less than 2k (MYR). Hey.. Smartphones/super phones' pricing trend are 'going down, not up' (Xperia X10 costs 2.7k (MYR) when it was released one year ago. Its successor the Arc costs 2.1k (MYR)).

That is raw power. What about functions? I am sure companies like Apple, Samsung, HTC, Sony Ericsson and so on will try and push themselves beyond the boundary and throw in new functions like a touch screen you can use without even touching it (just by gesturing your hand in front of it, like what we saw Tom Cruise doing in Minority Report). Hey.. Don't say it's impossible because touch screen phones are just as 'impossible' ten years ago.

Ten years in technology time is like a hundred years. Ya I can say that because it sure feels so. Ten years later, we might travel in cars we don't really have to drive. You don't believe it? Google's done it already! Besides, we can see cars that auto-park itself in Japan now. It was simply an innovation from ten years ago.

The technology of the future is truly beyond our imagination. We can dream today, and next year it might be on the street already.

So much talking about technology, what is the conclusion? Well, that's gonna be "I want a Samsung Galaxy S II!".

Nothing Special

I was about to post two new post tonight but I've decided to merge them as they are somewhat related anyway.

Well for those of you who is close with me, you knew. My grandfather is suffering from cancer. He is now undergoing treatments at Kota Kinabalu.

What I am worried is, can he stand the side-effects? Will his cancer cells re-emerge? My father died because his cancer re-emerged. I don't hope it'll happen again. That's for sure!

I wonder how does my grandfather look at the situation? If it's me, I'd probably not seek treatment. I mean very very likely. I have nothing to keep me here. Yes seriously, that's what I think.

What about my grandfather, grandmother, mother, brother and sisters you ask? They are what's keeping me here. If I can 'let go' of them, I'd most probably have a girlfriend now.

However, I believe they are not really that dependent on me. I'm not a superhero.. Time don't stop without me. Everything will just keep going with their own continuity. I believe they'll be fine without me, they'll be able to improvise.

That's it I guess. Nobody will miss me I suppose. My family members will, but not for long. My friends? Probably some of them will miss me for a very short time. Who else? I guess no one else will.

Come to think of it, I wonder what will happen to me after my death? Maybe I'll be re-born? Or maybe I'll just cease to exist anymore. That'll depend on what you believe in and which religion you're embracing. I once had a dream in which I died and God told me I'll be somebody's guardian angel but I can only pick one person to protect. I chose my ex because then, she is my girlfriend. But now, I'll pick 'her'.

The Hard Thing Is..

What is the hardest thing to do in this world? Well.. I can't tell you because I don't know what is it myself..

Tonight though, I found out that explaining your own feelings to others is one of them. Why? It's obvious. Nobody knows what you feel but yourself. Ain't that the case?

Anyhow anyway, I want this someone to know that 'What I'm telling you is the truth. Sometimes things just come to an end because something changed its continuity. Besides, we should really cut the 'assumption' out of this'.

In the end, I still failed to explain clearly on how I feel and what I think. I guess this someone and I just need some time to sort things out.

What I Want, Have, and Lost

Nice title? But it's not a nice story. I know. Most of what I post here in my blog are sad stories. I'll never put any of them in a 'The Saddest Stories of All Time' above this one.

What's so sad about this one? If that's what you're asking, then you'll have to lose someone dear to you before you can feel what I'm feeling now. My grandpa has cancer. It's confirmed. Of course, I hope the doctor made a mistake, realised he did, and then give us a call, saying that it's someone else's report he read for my grandpa. Yes I know that's a silly wish..

I want my grandpa to recover from this and live a long life. A very much longer life. I can't think of anything I'd wanna have or wish would happen more than this one. It's just one wish.. I hope God won't refuse this small little wish that He can make comes true by just saying it.

What I have? A friend who is very sweet. A friend who usually doesn't talk much and a friend I used to thought tried to avoid me. I know this friend doesn't mean it. Well, at least I know now. This friend, is not really just a friend. This friend is more than that, for me.

What I lost? I should say 'who' I lost. My dad. He died from cancer when I was 12. That's.. 16 years ago. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I'm begging to God that I won't. I know it's impossible, but on my knees, I'm telling God "Please don't make me lose anyone, anymore, in this way. I don't wanna see those who I love die a horrible death anymore".

A Little Update

Hmm.. I'm a little sick now but all of a sudden, the mood to blog came so I just logged in and try to write something. What to write about? I have no idea yet, I am still thinking.

Lets talk about why I am sick a little bit? Well, today, I attended a meeting. It was called suddenly so I have no time to prepare myself. That makes me sick? Of course not!

As I went into the meeting room (they've already started actually), the chairperson called out for me. He said "Huh? Why are you here?". So I think "What is going on?". Seeing my puzzled look, the vice said "Oh, I called him". As I sit next to the chairperson, he told me "You look like you need a drink, go on, take a sip". I grabbed the cup of unknown beverage in front of me and thought "Oh, a cup of tea" (it does look like a cup of tea!). As it gets close to my nose, "What the?! Coffee!! Shit! I am so shit!". With such a pose, there is no way I can put that cup down without taking a sip.

As the one hour meeting goes on, I sweat, I felt like throwing up, and I felt dizzy. I almost pass out.. OK for those of you who doesn't know, coffees are my cup of poison.

Well, enough of that. I've got a better idea on what to write. A heart feeling that has something to do with the feeling HURT.

My ex called, sent me some FB messages and SMS-ed me. If you know the issues between me and her, you wouldn't have to ask what is it we talked about.

OK. Full-stop. Now, I have a wonderful thing to share.

I'm missing someone. If you ask me who is that, you'll be shocked to know that it's.. LOL. No. I am not giving you a name. But I can honestly say that she is a special girl. I don't know why. From what I told her, it's someone else I'll miss but she is the one I am missing. Why? I don't know. I haven't 'seen' her for two days now. If you're reading this, I know you know that it's you I am talking about. Yup. I miss you.

Problem Within

I wonder if this is a problem within myself? Want to know what happened? Read on then.

I have a friend. This friend of mine was a cheerful one. She used to be super talkative. Recently though, she became 'lazy'. By lazy, I believe she meant out of topic. Seriously though, I do feel the same. Probably I'm trying to convince myself so because out of topic is still better than having someone avoiding you. Yes, that's my other feeling about this whole 'lazy' thing.

A little extra note for this case, I don't want to lose this special friend of mine. I once had a nightmare that this friend of mine and I am friends no more. How does it feel to have a friendship you treasure most, ended? Terrifying. That's what I feel.

My very first girlfriend called me last night. I don't really go and answer calls from numbers I haven't got in my phone book but somehow, I answered it. A fate?

The first question she threw at me is "Hey.. You remember me?". I don't so I just tell her that I don't. Well, it's very nice of her to re-introduce herself. Why did I say it's so nice of her? Because she used to be very childish and unreasonable.

She asked me how am I doing and tried to catch up a bit by asking if I'm married and so on. She... wants to meet up. I am so not up to it really. As I change the topic, I'm thinking of how to reject her in case the question comes on again. Ah! I found one. So, when she asked me again about meeting up, I told her that I'm very busy.

I do realize that it's such an outdated excuse. I can hardly convice myself about it so to say she'd believe it is really out of question. To my surprise though, she said it's ok, and we can meet up again next time.

Since when did she changed so much? I don't know because it's been such a long time since I last contacted her.

Want to know why I refuse to meet up with her? Because she's still single. I don't want to cause any misunderstanding like I did most of the time. Sounds paranoid? Yes I think so too. Yet, I still refuse it. Maybe... that's a problem within myself. I want to be close with those I like to be close with and not those who had past issue with me.

ElLo

Okay.. This happened days ago. No.. I should say weeks ago. A friend and I chatted on MSN, and she asked me something. I said I'll write a blog about it. This.. Is the post.

Actually, how hard is it to say 'I love you'? In the past, I said it to three different girls. My first and second ex-girlfriend. The third one.. She can't be considered a 'girlfriend'. Nevertheless, I do love her or else, I wouldn't have told her that.

It's easy right? Just like a 'Hi' maybe? Even if a 'Hi' is easy to say, it isn't for some. Well.. My first ex-girlfriend. We started our relationship through SMS. I mean I expressed to her by SMS. The second one, by phone call. Obviously, the second one is harder for me.

The third one, again, by SMS. The first one, lasted for 80 days. Short huh? The second one, lasted for two years.. The third, probably 100 days. I can't remember well. Conclusion? SMS ignited relationship doesn't last long I guess. The phone call ignited one lasted longer.

Now, I've got myself a fourth. Well, this one is on my side. I mean so far, I'm the one liking her and not her. I haven't tell her yet, how I felt. I want to tell her by phone call. Yup. I want this one to last till the end. Who doesn't? I'm sure when you're looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're looking for one that'll be your husband/wife isn't it?

Like I said, it's not easy to say that-three-words. What's more by phone call. It gives you the jigs if you know what I mean. I know.. That's pretty pathetic.

She doesn't talk much. Obviously, that makes thing harder. I kinda hope that I'll get drunk one day, and then end up being at her doorstep, knock the door, she opened it, there, I tell her 'I love you', she brought me in, I fell asleep, wake up the next day, says 'Sorry about last night, and thanks for bringing me in', leave her wondering 'Does he really mean it?', unable to keep wondering and come to me, asks me about what I said when I was drunk and then I tell her 'Ya. I mean every words I said that night'. Easy right? Like my friend always say, I think too much.

I think that's as far as it goes. I have to put an end to it right there. No more imagination. I'll courage up and tell her that-three-words at the right time. If it brings my relationship with her one step further, of course it's good! Otherwise, if she rejects me, I'll have to admit defeat. I mean to keep on tagging along will only annoy her. What's the point? So that she and I can't even be friends? If she's happy being someone else's girlfriend, I'll let her be. 'Cos I want her to be happy. As a boyfriend, or friend.

Valentine

Yup. Chinese New Year's celebration is over now, working days start and February 14th is very very close. It's Valentines Day!

It sure is a big deal for those who has a special someone and being their special someone's special someone, is no doubt, a good feeling. Of course it is! If you're telling me that you'd prefer to be alone that night, I'd say you're nuts.

It's been such a long time since I last celebrated it as a special someone's special someone though. If you know what I mean? I'm sure, there are others who will be alone that night. Well, not that they chose to be.

As a matter of fact, I almost had the chance to celebrate it with someone last year. Well, close, but no cigar. So this year? Nope. No chance for that.

Hmm.. All of a sudden, I recalled someone. Someone who is funny, and cute. She enquired me about four girls in a picture (one of those girl is herself). She asked "Who do you think is the prettiest? I mean other than me.". I asked her "Why other than you?". She answered "Because I know I'm not..".

Cute right? She doesn't know, she's pretty in a lot of way.

Hmm.. Valentines Day.. It makes that desire to have someone worth loving besides you, stronger than ever. I guess for now though, it's not going to happen for me, at least for a while. A while it is, but not-so-soon will be exactly what it is.

Me and Myself Part I

Won't be a long one here, just to say that I had a friend who's looking for a boyfriend. She added me on Facebook, for the very same reason.

I haven't talked to her since that only message thread I had with her. I forgot what's in the last message, but I think it's sent by me.

The other day when I went out with my sister (who knows that friend of mine because she's originally her friend) and her boyfriend, my sister mentioned about her, she told me what she (the friend of mine) said.

So uh.. She said "I think your brother is a very choosy person la.. He's choosing girl based on their look and he is also a very ambitious person who is chasing nothing but wealth".

How does she knows what is it that I want? Funny.. I don't even remember telling her my thoughts. She's judging me based on her own opinion. If that's what she thinks, that's who I am for her but still, the fact is I'm still me, the person she doesn't know (that much).

Whatever it is that she thinks, I don't care. I'm writing this, not because I do, but because I believe that not everything that people think about me is true. She and I'm not close. Not one bit. Why do I have to care about what she thinks of me? No reason to be, whatsoever.

Anyway, I write this not because of my chat last night with a friend. Well, it does trigger the memory about this former friend of mine, but not that I mind about what's said in last night's chat.

Clueless No More

I wonder if it's because of the flu? I am a little clueless recently. Well.. Maybe not only recently but all the time. You see, I have complex thoughts. Even myself, don't know what I'm thinking, what is it that I want, what should I do and so on.

I wish I could take a break but time is running out. Time doesn't wait for me, it won't let me catch a breath, it just flows.

Wondering what I meant with "Time is running out"? What I mean is as every second ticks by, the chance of us grabbing what we hold dear slips away along with it.

Real life is no fairy tale. In those movies, the 'hero' always end up being with the 'heroine' no matter how big the obstacles they face, no matter how long they have to wait and so on. In real life, that is definitely not the case. Wait and hesitate, and you'll find yourself losing the person you love.

Real life is about hardship. Nothing is easy although nothing is impossible. Maybe this cluelessness I'm facing is one of those hardships or obstacles.

I kinda wonder if I can overcome this cluelessness stage and all the other obstacles, will the difference in standard and status fail my efforts? I don't know.. But if I'm doing nothing to overcome these obstacles, I'll find that it's not the difference in status and standard that will fail me but myself.