narcissism

I've got quite a number of drafts lying around here for a good few weeks so I decided to combine them and publish them in one go. Have fun reading my boring diaries.

1

I woke up feeling like shit again today. 

I took my phone and ordered food to force myself out of bed. These days, I had been trying to wake at 7am, something I don't really have full control over. It was 10am something today, which isn't really bad considering I slept at 3am last night. 

After last night's alcohol escaped from my system, the empty feeling came back. 

I don't even know why this has been bothering me for so long.

2

That other day, I told my counsellor that I don't think I'm worthy of anything good or anything that I want. 

It's true that this thought has always been ghosting into my mind every now and then. Just on some Monday, I woke up and I thought of this, before my eyes and my nose started feeling weird and I whimpered. 

The last time I felt this way was when my ex told me he loved me. Yes, I was happy, but also worried. 

And you know what happened next. Worries translated into insecurities, insecurities turned into clinginess, and clinginess remolded into fights. It was ugly. 

He followed up with me this, 

"Who do you think worth it, then?" 

OK, this caught me right on the spot. I got quiet and I started thinking about this question that I had never thought of.

I had an obscure answer. Not being petty? Not being toxic? Not being insecure? 

Truth is I always feel inferior in front of people I like, that I look up to. I know, it's toxic as fuck. But I truly am drawn to this inferiority. 

What makes a human if not contradictions and conflicts?

I forgot what I told him in the end. And I don't remember what he said too. Maybe there's no answers after all.

3

Anyway, I think I got the closure I need. 

Five days after my last text, I sent him a long essay. When I said long, I meant long. Really long with 6 full paragraphs with topic sentences and elaboration. I drafted for one whole week. 

Only if I was this dedicated at work... 

I told him that I really liked him, and that's why it had been bugging me for so long. 

It was a pretty brave move, I think. Let me give myself some brownie points over here. 

I sent it out on a Saturday afternoon. He replied quickly, until the point that I was unsure if he actually read the essay.

Well, not like it should bother me. I said what I wanted to. 

His replies were still very vague. 

"Oh wow sorry I didn't realise I caused such disruption over the course of last week to you. I'm perfectly fine keeping the lines of communication open Zhen" 

"But thanks for the honesty" 

"I don't know, I think I'm just quite detached from everything. Maybe it's work commitments hmm" 

Honestly, the "Zhen" was such a big turn off. Dude can't even get my name right. But whatever. 

I was quite persistent for a clear-cut, no BS answer. 

"I'd appreciate your honesty too. You know you don't have to be all polite with me, just be clear lah if you only want to be friends, or not" 

Andddd, guess what? He put this on seen. 

At the point I didn't even feel pity or sad anymore. I just thought he was such a dick. 

So I acted like one too, after nine hours. 

"^ yep this is what I meant by I feel like I'm forcing those convos to happen lol and now I sound super petty" 

Do I feel petty, though? Nah not really. 

And he replied. 

"Hmm yea I mean let's probably stay friends or go with the flow you know?" 

"How's your weekend been coming along anyway" 

That's it. No dramatic plot twist, no happy ending. We chatted a little after, and this time, I decided not to be the last one who replied anymore. 

I still feel sad, but perhaps this is for the best. This is what I needed too, I guess. I guess. 

4

Today, I was watching Modern Family as usual. This quote hit me right at the spot: 

Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had.

Isn't it true that I'm just looking for someone who achieved what I couldn't? Or simply, I'm just looking for my ideal self. 

When this ideal self of mine rejected me, it's like I'm being yelled at the face that I can never, ever be that person. Like a stale fact being dug out rough and nasty, and thrown into my face. 

Perhaps I'm just sad over myself. 

Archive, sunlight, goodbyes

I finally sent out the texts that had been in drafts since a day ago. 

11:16pm

"heyyy, I know it's pretty obvious, but just wanna clear things up for myself haha" 

"I guess you're not interested in taking this further anymore? haha" 

It was one tick until late night. I gave up waiting and I went to sleep. 

My company had a conference today and I needed to get there early. I woke at six something. It was still a single tick. 

To be very frank, I got sad for a little but I had little time too. 

I was slightly late to the venue. His texts came in when I was one turn away. 

8:32am

"Morningggg I don't mind getting to know you still la hahaa"

"But I did come back from work pretty late last night" 

"How's it going" 

I didn't know how I should've felt. But I did have some thoughts.

1) If he's really not interested at all, he could've just say no 

2) But then, he might be just fishing 

3) What the fuck is "I don't mind"? 

I decided I had more important stuffs, and I left them there. 

It was a long day. I got home at five something. I finally had the energy to reply - or more like, the energy to reply and be ready to let the potential meaningless emotions feed on me again. 

6:07pm

"Ok now I'm even more confused haha. Didn't think that you're keen in keeping in touch haha since you didn't text" 

"Yea I needed to co-moderate for a conference today" 

I didn't even know why I bothered to add in the second sentence. And, I think I did a pretty good job in letting him know what exactly he did to make me feel how I felt. 

But then, why the effort if the other doesn't care? 

I really didn't stalk his read status after sending out the messages. It was 100% an accident when I saw the double tick at around 8pm or something. 

I got really pissed. What are all these? 

What was I doing if not being a clown all the time? 

I could either wait until he texts back, if he does.

Or, I could just double (or actually, triple) text him to show my anger.  

What's the point of both though? 

The sadness came again and it was not letting go. I decided to go with it and I scrolled back all the conversations we had. 

It was really a wonderful conversation I ever had in such a long, long time. I really needed that.

And that's the point, isn't it? It happened, and the feelings were real. 

Nothing will ever change that. Not the fact that he left me on seen, and not my sadness now.

Life gave me the chance to realise that I can still imagine a future with someone else, that I still believe in love, that I can still feel.  

And that's more than enough. 

I decided it shall be the last scroll and I deleted that chat. 

He might text me back or he might not. It doesn't matter now. It shouldn't matter now. I matter and my feelings matter.

Not all goodbyes need to be said out loud.

I will give myself the closure that I need. And, I will thank myself for that.

Rains, floods, humidity

It's 6pm and I'm stranded in office alone. The rain was so bad that I needed to check on my car, that I parked in the basement. 

I went down and the whole street was starting to flood. It was scary. Photos and videos of floodings and traffic started to be forwarded all around in groups. It was so unsettling. 

Is it funny that my heart feels quieter when the world is in a chaos? At least, I only have to focus on the mess out there. 

The flood receded and the rain got slightly better. No replies from him yet either. 

I woke up this morning and I meditated for five minutes. It was good to have some peace. 

And yet, I still cried. The thought just came in right away without notice. 

I think I will never be good enough for the people I like. 

I know, I know. It's not true. I can find a hundred other reasons to rebut myself. I just wished it stops haunting me here and there, once in a while. I hate it. 

I should stop falling for people that make me feel little in front of. 

I drove to office this morning. All was well, except I cried a little. 

Just a little, though. I was proud of myself. 

The day was packed. I had a lot of meetings and tasks, and I drank way too much coffee to settle down my heart rate. And it started raining. I decided to stay back until the traffic got better. 

All my other colleagues went home, and I was left alone in the empty office. This is where it hit me. 

Just like the flood, the feelings came in waves. They tiptoed to me quietly and lured me to tap into it. 

I did it and it became what it is now. The flood out of the office went away but I am now drenched in tears inside.  

Dude, can't you just text me back? Just give me the false hope to get through all this. 

I am not only stranded alone in the office after all. 

Beaten, struck, sunk

I'm feeling way too sad for someone I just started talking to three days ago. 

I matched with him on CMB last Wednesday, and I sent a text first. 

Mind you, I don't usually text people first; I just thought that he might be different. 

And he really is. 

Ok, I know it totally sounds weird but he got all my attention when he asked if I work in a think tank (I put my job as "Policy Researcher" on my profile). No one ever did that. 

We had a good chat too, I think. At the very least, he did ask me for dinner that night though I couldn't make it.

I like how our conversation was not shallow at all. We actually didn't talk much about ourselves but on museums, embassies and stuffs. God damn it what are the chances?

He even called me at night too. And gosh, that British accent was so hot, despite the fact that I needed to guess 40% of what he was talking about. Oh well, I blame this cultural colonialism.

Anyway, the day ended well. We planned to meet over the weekend. 

But then, he's not someone who texts during work in the office. The time lag in his replies can go up to 4 hours. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. 

What's new, though? He's in his 30s working in a big firm with his own life. 

And I should've known that this isn't going well for me. 

After the day we talked so frequently, it felt like he's suddenly gone for two days straight. I mean, he did reply me once in a while. But who am I if not a selfish, petty guy? 

So yeah, I tried not to make myself to be too tangled over it and I planned our whole date out. Damn, isn't that what growth is? 

We met on Saturday for brunch. I took a Grab there to avoid the traffic, and I was a bit late.  

He arrived before I did. And for some reasons, I was very nervous. 

He looked exactly how he sounded: charming, intellectual, (very) extroverted. 

We, or more like he, still didn't talk a lot about ourselves. The whole conversation was very scattered. He talked about his trip to Memorial Hall of Nanjing Massacre, and I mentioned my trip to the DPRK. And next we'd talk about how languages changed our ways of thinking, how the passive voice is more common in Asian languages, and a certain South American language (OK my bad, it's the Guugu Yimithirr language found in North Queensland, Australia. Hey at least I knew about this) that uses cardinal instead of relative directions. It was fun, but it was also a bit draining (you know, sometimes you just need to have some chats without using any brain juice, amirite?). 

I felt like he lost a bit of interest whenever I talked. And I felt so dumb all the time.

I was a bit dumbstruck by the temperature, and by him. Plus, his choice of words and accent made it so hard to follow through the whole conversation and train of thought (read: "friends of Dorothy's" - which apparently means gay people, "innit", "bizarre"). At some point, this whole thing felt like his monologue, which I'm not complaining. Part of me felt very inferior in front of him. 

Oh yeah did I mention that he was a lawyer? 

He offered to drove me back home, which slightly came to my surprise. And he turned into another person in car - all of a sudden he started to flirt so much. Not like I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't take it too seriously 'cause, duh, people can flirt with anyone. To me it was just more like a fun conversation between two gay dudes. 

So, we reached our home, and we said goodbye and I left. 

No hugs, no "see you next time". Just thank you and bye. 

I didn't text him afterwards. 

Here's the thing - I was expecting his text. For the whole day I kept checking my phone and I kept feeling disappointed. I couldn't focus at all. 

I knew shit was wrong. 

I got so fucking sad and I did an analysis on myself on an A4 paper. I made a conclusion that it's because of my ego (that I need attention and like to be liked) and my nearly non-existent self-confidence (I really felt so dumb). Still, what's the solution then? 

Part of me wants him to text, but part of me knows that once he did, there's no going back. I'm doomed to be fucked up. 

I chucked up the rest of vodka I got at home, and I decided that I need to let it out. I told my friends and I typed like a storm. 

And, just as I was spilling the tea, he texted, at 12.30am. 

"Hope you're having a good Saturday so far haha" 

I was quite taken back. Is he just doing this out of politeness, or is he really thinking about me? 

Boy how I wish I had the answer. Why do I even start to date again? 

I was just getting along with myself after the fucked-up relationship last time. 

And now, I'm going through this cycle, this guessing game all over again. 

Still, I replied after 4 minutes. 

"heyyy" 

"haha yeah I worked and read a bit. How's your day?" 

His replies came 20 minutes later. He told me he had a birthday party today, and was going to a career fair and a housewarming party tomorrow. 

I tried to joke around with him. He said he was gonna find potential clients and give out name cards, and I replied,

"weird uncle vibes. jk" 

I did not see the next reply coming, 

"Hahaha as long as you liked it" 

What now? Is he trying to flirt, or just a way to reply? 

I don't know, man. 

I texted back, 

"excuse me? 

"hahaha" 

And he left me on seen until this time of writing. The exchanges ended at 1:04am. 

To be honest I didn't really feel sad about him putting me on seen. I'm not the same 21-year-old guy anymore. We have our own lives.

But, if we do, why is my heart feeling so heavy while beating so fast now? 

He occupied my mind so much today even when I was driving. I made the decision to send him a text later at night just to see how he replies. 

I know, I should ask the question more directly. 

But I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the answer. 

I also don't think I need an answer. 

I hate this feeling, a lot. I told myself I will love myself, and get along with myself. And I thought I did it. 

I stopped feeling lonely, and I stopped falling for someone else blindly. I grew, and I was stronger.

At least this is what I thought of myself. 

I told everyone else about this: Love yourself, do not let others decide your feelings, get along with your feelings.

Who knows... Deep inside I am still someone who thirsts attention and companion. 

And more importantly, I feel SO LITTLE in front of him. 

Oh dear, this isn't going anywhere good... 

I like the feeling of getting drunk. I need it now, actually. 

And all of a sudden, my vision got blurry. 

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I know I need to process this shit immediately; hence why I'm typing my random words here now. 

I want to get him out of my system, and I will get back on both on my feet firm and strong. 

I will send that text later tonight, and we will see how it goes. 

Here's to a better, stronger, wiser me ahead. It's not that hard, is it? 

海龟

 “海龟从不与海浪相争，而是巧妙利用海浪的力量。凯茜之所以无法追上它，就是因为她不顾海水的方向，自始至终都在划水。一开始，凯茜还能和海龟并驾齐驱，有时候还得放慢速度等等它。但是在反方向的海浪中，我越是用力向前游，就越是感到疲惫。等到海浪前进方向再次与她游泳方向相同时，她却没有足够的精力顺势向前了。”

最近刷小红书无意刷到这句，摘录自《世界尽头的咖啡馆》，在那么一毫秒间觉得，啊，命运的安排真是神奇。

我好需要这句话哦。

最近的一切仿佛都重新归零了。之前坚持了大概一个月，天天6.30am起床、运动、看书、学习，仿佛已经是好久远的事。这一整个月好像回到了之前行尸走肉的生活 -- 每天总是工作前半小时才匆忙惊醒（尽管已经设置了闹钟）、每天都会忍不住想要点外卖（每一天都觉得是treat yourself day）、凌晨之前想起要打卡才背的单词。怎么才上手的事情，现在看起来像从未做过？ 

我换工作了，薪水低了，也不知道自己是不是会真的比较喜欢。Manager不断挽留，升职加薪，一切我没有接触过的事情，我好矛盾哦。一方面觉得应该趁年轻多挣钱，一方面觉得应该趁年轻多探险；一方面觉得要先prioritize自己，一方面觉得要尽快赚更多钱给家人... ... 

未来也太可怕了吧，可是我才24，为什么总有一种，时日不多的感觉呢... ... 

我尝试不责怪自己了，每一天的新病例都是两万起跳，我竟然在未来不明朗的日子给自己添加了更多的不明朗。

我无意告诉我妈妈我要换工作了，她的失望，我感受到的。

没毛病的，我自己也对自己失望死了。

是不是人越大了越退缩？我没有想过这样一个决定会对自己影响如此巨大... ...真的是，一想起这件事就会忍不住overthink，然后心跳加速呼吸紧凑... ...应该不是什么anxiety attack，就是，很紧张而已。然后终于睡去之后又会不断梦见家人。哈哈有一次我梦到因为换工作薪水低的原因我被disowned了，也忘了当下觉得伤心还是可怕，只是记得情节而已。 

上周一突然好想好想喝酒，趁lunch time逃到Tesco，Tesco无货又逃到Aeon Big。也不知道哪里来的craving，现在每晚睡前都会喝上一个shot的vodka，也不知道是为了什么，一个仪式感吧。也不是说特别好喝。

不过酒后的感觉是不错的，就是这个便宜货味道普普。

谢谢观赏我的流水账。我的记忆就跟我的生活一样片段而混乱。