April Fools Day on you and yours

Almost exactly one year after I had my heavenly visitor come to me we found out we were having another baby. I knew immediately that the baby was a girl, but Brandon had his reservations (mostly because he was scared) about having a girl. I have been more sick with this pregnancy than all my other pregnancies combined, but she is definitely worth it. Because my history is not so good the doctor ultrasounds me every time we go in. I don’t mind one bit! She is my most active baby and was not afraid to show us how much of a girl she is. Her brothers wanted a girl. There dad tried to warn them, but they didn’t listen.
They day we found out we were having a girl (Oct. 18th) the boys came into the doctor appointment with me. Up to this point Mace was in denial we were having a baby. After my appointment he asked if he could hold the baby. I would say that was a great improvement. We surprised Brandon’s Mom for her birthday by telling her we were having a girl.
The same we found out the baby is a girl I got a bunch of girl thinks from my friend Courtney. I opened the first box, saw all the pink stuff, and cried. It was good day!

Mace is 2

I love my rainbow baby more than I can express. He talks more and more each day and makes us laugh constantly. He tries to keep up with his brothers and love his cousins, but his favorite person in the world is his "dadda".

Zane is 7

There is not a piece of this child that does not have personality, and this picture depicts it perfectly. His hair, clothes, toothless smile, and hands making boobs...(we are working on the last one). He is witty, smart, funny, and always keeps us guessing.

Jett is 8

My oldest child is 8 years old. How did that happen? It seems like yesterday we were just bringing him home from the hospital.
He is kind, gentle, tender-hearted, and sweet. He is 4' tall and weighs 114 lbs. He is stronger than he knows. Thankfully he doesn't realize how strong he is, but this year when he was bullied at school I wish he would have put his muscle to use.

Four boys and faith

I have always wanted just boys. We have four boys that are our everything. However, since our last baby was born Brandon has casually asked for another baby, and I always tell him I feel our family is complete. I have felt that way since I was pregnant with Mace and throughout my entire pregnancy.
I felt very content with our four boys until August 1, 2016 at approximately 9pm. I was half asleep half awake when I could feel someone else in my bedroom with us.
For the the past three and half years Crew has visited me on occasion. He comes on days when I don't expect him, but always at times when I need him. Sometimes he simply says "Hi mommy! I love you!" Other times he reminds me that everything will be OK if we continue to follow God's plan for us.
On Aug. 1 he said "Mommy there is a baby sister here in heaven with me, and she is waiting to come to Earth to complete our family." I actually said no. I can't. It's too hard. (I sounded like Nephi's brothers who continued to murmur after they were visited by an angel of God. Who says that?) Crew immediately said yes. You can do it. You are strong. I love you.
The flood gates released the tears as our sacred conversation of negotiations continued. I told him I was scared. He told me he would be with me every step of the way.
I told Brandon of our conversation, with a giant smile he said, "He (Crew) is the only one who could have changed your mind!" I have postponed making a doctor appointment to have my IUD removed because I am still scared, but finally this past week I went to the doctor to get the process in motion.
I am still scared, but I feel comforted. Faith is believing in something you cannot see. Faith is hard, but I am having faith that this is the right thing for our family. I know Heavenly Father has already blessed me in the process, and I continue to ask for faith in the process.

And I thought I was having a bad day

A few months back my family and I were travelling to my inlaw's house for dinner, which is 5 miles from our home. The sun was setting, which made for bad visibility. We were traveling at 70 mph when a deer jumped onto our hood causing significant damage. At first our insurance did not want to cover the accident at all. Then they decided not only to cover the repairs but they decided to claim the vehicle as a total loss. We decided to use the money we received from the insurance company to pay off some bills so in the meantime we have had a few rental cars but mostly borrowed a vehicle from a family member. The most recent vehicle we have borrowed is my sister in law Jamie's truck. It is not in great condition but it gets us from point A to point B. The last few weeks the heater has not been working so we have been frozen in the mornings as I drive the boys to school. Even more importantly the defrost has not been working and we have had a few snow storms, which requires defrost in order to travel safely, but miraculously we have gotten by.
A few days ago I was feeling a little down on my luck because of our vehicle situation, Jett got pink eye, our house hadn't sold, blah, blah, blah. Then that afternoon we received a text telling us that my sister in law EmmaLee's father in law had passed away very unexpectedly. That one text message changed my whole outlook of my day, week and months events. I realized that all these trials are temporary. They are not permanent, and a car can be replaced. Jett's eye will heal, and our house will sell when it's the right time. Most importantly my family is safe, healthy and thriving each day.
My heart breaks for EmmaLee and their family during this hard time, but I know and I know they know families are forever and they will be able to see their loved one again someday.

The lumps

In December 2015 Brandon and I went to our family physician to get our yearly physical for insurance purposes. The doc did the full check-up except the breast exam because I was still breastfeeding Mace. Then I asked about getting approval to get a mammogram. He hesitated at first until I told him about my family history of breast cancer. He then proceeded to do a breast exam where he found a lump in my right breast and referred me to radiology for an ultrasound. He suggested that I wait to make the appointment in January because I hadn't met my deductible yet. So I made the appointment without much worry.
During the appointment the ultrasound technician did her thing and said she would return with the radiologist because she suspected he would want to see me after what she found during the ultrasound. Que the worried feeling. I waiting for about 20 minutes then in came the radiologist. He explained the ultrasound technician had not only found one lump but two. He said one was bigger than the other and had fiberous material where the smaller one was more uniform in consistency. He then sent me to meet with someone else who would then schedule me to have the lumps biopsied one week later.
I will admit that was a long week. The worst part was when we discussed the possibilities of what the lumps could be with our boys. The cancer word brought out some emotions from both of them but their prayers and faith never wavered.
We notified our immediate family and invited them to fast and pray with us on the of day the biopsy. We got a babysitter for the little boys while Jett was at school, and Brandon came with me. I was glad he did. The needle was huge, and I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. The doctor made two small incisions to allow the needles to access the lumps. The part that hurt the most was the doctor pushing on my chest, but all and all the procedure was not awful. I was not able to lift anything more than 5 lbs. for 24 hours after the procedure so Brandon took some time off work to help me out. His help was greatly appreciated!
My family physician would receive the results and was supposed to notify me the following Monday. Monday came and went. Finally, Tuesday morning I text my doctor and he replied with a screenshot of the lab's findings. One lump/lesion was a cyst and the other was determined to be a fibrocylsis most likely caused by pregnancy. The report read "...benign, no need for further concern".
Prayers are answered. Heavenly Father is aware of me.

Grateful for fasting

I very distinctly remember fasting when I was younger. My belly would growl. My head would hurt. I felt like I might expire. If you would have told my 8 year old self that someday I would be beyond grateful to be able to fast I would have called you a liar and a fat mouth. Fast forward some 12 years later (hu-hum) I have not been able to fast because I was pregnant for 9 months and nursing for 1 year, but this past Sunday I had the first opportunity to fast since becoming pregnant. I can honestly say I looked forward to it and might I add I enjoyed fasting as well. I love the feeling of empowerment I get when my mind trumps my body and generates enough energy to keep it going and not give up. However, I will admit I had a little extra boost this time because Jett (7) also chose to fast this week. There's just something about a little one watching you to make you feel motivated to keep going. This also applies to quitting bad habits (stupid Diet Coke) or running an extra lap around the track. I would do anything before I would disappoint one of my small humans.

The power of the fast. I sure missed you.

Mudd

For the past year, since Crew died, I have struggled with our unsure future of more babies.
Should we have more?
Can we have more?
Can my heart handle the disappointment of losing another baby?
Should I be content with the two perfect boys we have?
I will say a lot in this post not becuase I am making this decision by myself, but because my amazingly strong Brandon has more faith than I do. He nevers wonders what is next. He is my rock of strength no matter what comes our way.
July of 2013 we found out we were pregnant again. We did not tell anyone based on my history of miscarriages, and tried to remain positive. One day, while driving home with the boys, Brandon asked the boys what we would name our next baby. Zane was very confident when he yelled "Mudd". Brandon told me about the "potential" name idea and we got a good laugh.
During the next week I started bleeding and found out I was miscarrying yet another precious baby at 7-8 weeks pregnant. We were saddened and I leaned closer to the idea that we may never have anymore children. However, the innocence and faith of a child is what has kept the broken pieces of my heart intact for the past few months. Zane and Jett draw pictures and speak often of Mudd. They talk about him being a part of our family and living with us some day. I do not know Heavenly Father's timeline, but I have received personal revelation that I will have another baby some day. I am not sure how he will get to me whether it be through adoption, foster, or birth, but I will have another baby. For now that knowledge is good enough for me.

Zane is 4

January 22, 2014: My little bean turned 4 years old. We celebrated by having green "hulk" cupcakes and bacon for breakfast. The babysitter took him swimming at the Washington City Community Center, and we finished the day by renting the Veyo Roller Rink. Definitely the best $75 we have spent. We arrived at the roller rink at 5 p.m. and had to pull (literally) Zane out of skates at 9 p.m. soon after he said "Daddy this place is awesome!" We played games, ate more "hulk" cupcakes, and pizza, and had a great time with family and friends. Zane is full of spunk and always keeps us laughing with his smart Alec remarks, stories and made-up-words. Zane can: write his name, recognize most letters, loves preschool, going to Kayson's and his Uncle Andy more than anything. Thanks for being born Zane. My life will never be the same.