because it's time to summarise the year of 2016.

I woke up around 11am today with a recovering headache, heavy as my body physically recuperates from the days of city exploration and nights of endless banter with the gang Ju Yi usually goes with.

I really like the fact that this End Of The Year Trip with the gang Ju Yi usually goes with has been going strong for a good 8 years now and is known even to my other friends. 

'where is Ju Yi?'

'oh she's on that end of the year trip with that gang she usually goes with'

in the past 8 years, I've been for most of these planned trips and we all usually look forward to it every year. I've known most of these friends since I was a kid; some for more than a decade. New people join us, and usually the old ones don't leave either. some faces I see more regularly than others; some I only see twice a year or even just for the first time during this holiday. 

I guess what's great about this holiday I have every year is that it's always about the people I'm with. we can plan a one day trip to the most boring part of the city and it would somehow still turn to be exciting and hilarious at the same time. the greatest part of it all is that it gives all of us the opportunity to end the year with great memories, together.

As I reflect back on 2016, there have been momentous occasions as I've embarked on new journeys, left literally some paths I realised were not good for me, strengthened more friendships than I have weakened and in overall, have begun to live life a little more vicariously instead of meticulously thinking of everything in too much detail. 

1) My venture into kpop (and ultimately learning Korean).

I'm pretty sure this remains the #1 thing I have 'embarked' on since January 2016, which has since established a whole new set of songs in my phone, overtook all my Youtube views and most definitively taken up all my free time in this year LOL 

most first-time kpop listeners usually stick to one artist, as did I with Big Bang. However, I ventured into great distance with so many groups and individuals. it wasn't just the well-trained and undeniably good looking idols that I devoted my energy to (name the group/artist and I will tell you which one is my bias, which song I like from which era and which duo I ship) - I soon ventured into their dynamic R&B scene (Zion T, Crush, Dean, Dynamic Duo, Primary and the like), the extremely underrated k-hiphop scene of underground and mainstream rappers (this is literally a non-exhaustive list spanning everyone from Mino, Zico and Zelo to Dok2, YELLA D and CJamm), and even into indie bands and sounds (obviously Hyukoh to lead the list). 

yes, ladies and gentlemen.

I have took a complete jump from fedora-wearing, tattoo-donning British riffs to the visually-overwhelming, multi-aesthetically pleasing explosion of K-music.

so much, that I'd even decided to take up Korean language classes. my first time learning a language and I'd never been more excited.

I flew to Korea for the first time in March 2016 to attend my first k-pop concert. nothing quite like it, even until today. 

iKON in August 2016. I still remember it like it was yesterday :3

one month later - DEAN in Malaysia. such a babe, 100%

Big Bang again in October 2016  

bought my first k-pop album and it's none other than my current-ultimate faves, GOT7 #shimkoong

technically saw GOT7 as well this month but it was more of an accidental encounter 

instead of attending the actual fanmeet HURHUR

here's to more k-pop in 2017, bettering my Korean and more of my money spent on concert tickets, merchandise and albums!

2) A little bit of travels here and there.

There was definitely more spontaneous trips vs planned holidays this year, all of which I'd been very grateful for. on top of a recent purchase of a camcorder, I'd managed to edit and create more videos of my travels, none of which have made it to public viewing as I'm both paiseh and don't think my work is good enough. oh well! 

Myeongdong, Seoul. too short a trip, hence a must go-again in 2017

Dalat, Vietnam: a city of true organised chaos

a little bit of Penang every now and then

 a little bit of exploration into the forest I live nearby. travelling doesn't always have to include a flight ticket 

and of course - Bangkok, Thailand.

nothing quite like a city that is a mix of history, culture and modernisation altogether

3) Love and growth.

True enough, being in a committed relationship consists of trials, tribulations and difficulties. but there also comes a lot of happiness, joy and comfort. I have learnt from others that being with someone who understands you, cares for you, and puts you above their own selves is truly a blessing as most are still looking for that person to walk with them. I end 2016 as thankful as I was when I ended 2015 hand in hand with my favourite person on earth. here's to more years together <3 div="" nbsp="">

4) Keeping the faith in Christ. 

As with every passing year, life throws all kinds of challenges and I am often questioning - what exactly does God want me to learn from this? I went through a testing period just two months back, of which led me to make life-altering decisions, career wise. I am still unsure about how I will progress next year, which has left me feeling anxious about stepping into 2017 with nothing sure in mind. 

Just like 2 years ago, I was given the opportunity to be a part of Metro Tabernacle's musical production and thus, tell a story about faith and believing when you can't see. From being a part of The Christmas Post, I embodied a character that was very much unlike my persona in real life. I didn't have as much tenacity and faith as Book Keeper, Dixie Plunkett did. I am not as confident as her eventhough I tried my best to sing like how she would. 

Don't give up. Don't give in.

When the going's tough that's just when faith kicks in.

I leave 2016 remembering that the Lord will see me through no matter what the circumstance and however so my path next year turns out to be. I hope to continue keeping the faith in God as I walk through grey periods and hopefully, positively challenging moments that will build and strengthen my character. 

You have been a fulfilling one, 2016.

Here's to 2017.

Just Right - GOT7 

because I'm keeping the faith.

gone were the days when I used to update this page every week/fortnight or still better, every month.
there's a saying by Luna Adriana that goes - there are two reasons why people don't talk about things; either it doesn't mean anything to them, or it means everything.

certainly there's a lot of truth to that, as I think of why I haven't spoken (here) for a long time.

1. separate of lyricalsteps, I have also opened up another more public Wordpress account. it's not updated often either but I guess I'm more selective with what I showcase publicly
2. i'm not sure that much has been going on in my life other than work in that corporate place I was talking about in my previous post.
3. then again, everything happened in the time frame of July until now.
4. I had also been spending probably a great portion of my daily life falling deeper into this hole called kpop
5. (kpop is cool ok)
6. and I guess I've just decided to be more so in the moment of going through life instead of penning every instance down

since I'd brought it up already & just for updates to the lonesome readers of this obsolete page and a future reminder to myself in case I'd developed dementia - after slightly over 11 months of tenure, I have bid goodbye to the polished, world-ranking accounting firm. I gave it plentiful thought before typing out the resignation letter and as the faint memories came back to me slowly and indefinitely, I knew that I have been unhappy for an extremely long time with this job and the only way to escape, is to quit.


certainly, quitting is much easier if i'd been an individual uneasily fazed by others and people kept their two pence worth of bullshit advice no one asked for to themselves. it wasn't an easy feat, especially as I see the dent it would leave on my nomadic CV and how it would affect future employers' views on me before considering me. I mean, I could not be a bigger working hoe.


as cheesy as it sounds, I took a deep breath and told myself, to keep the faith.

(yes this has to do with the fact that I'm in my church Christmas play and am singing a solo that goes along the same lines of that, sue me why don't you)

I've been jobless for a good two weeks and I must say, it feels pretty damn great to wake up to no work obligations and texts from early morning/the night before asking for all sorts of sorts. there really is nothing like esaping the compulsory dependency on an alarm clock and lounging around in your PJs all day without care, having time to actually eat breakfast and quite legitimately, just think of yourself.

slowly but surely, I'd been starting to actually feel happy again, despite nothing actually happening to have triggered newfound joy. just pure, simplistic happiness of being present and being relatively, free.

to quote one of the more outstanding figures who was not directly my mentor but a definite leader, maybe it's time for me to have some self reflection to re-think which path I want to take. if I would like to opt for a different setting somewhere else. of course, there's an 80% chance of non-escape from working behind a desk. after all, we all need our computers and e-mails, don't we? so maybe, a different air, perhaps.

in this free time that I have established, I'd also been able to rediscover and renew my passion for reading as I am a few pages close to finishing Murakami's Colorless Tzukuru Tazaki and hop on to After Dark thereafter. while this world we live in is not always a bad place, it is always important to get lost in the literature of another world as well every now and then. it's what keeps you alive. it's what keeps me alive.

so that's about it, I guess.

an unfinished book, a job well-tendered and a Christmas production where I will be singing 'Keep The Faith' in all its splendour and razzmatazz. could life be imitating art or is this just God's way of creating art to imitate life?

guess I'll just have take a seat and let the universe do its magic.

Just Because - Baek A Yeon ft JB (of GOT7)

because so far not so good, sorta.

from as long as I know you JuYi, I really think that you deserve to be doing something greater than just sitting behind a workdesk.

if you were to tabulate the months, it has only been slightly over a year of since I've been in the corporate world. For one year, I have went through multiple Monday blues, sat in front of a computer for 9-10 hours a day, worn the same and the occasional formal clothes to adhere to rules, lessened my creativity to make way for learnt formality, limited my indifferent temperament to confine to a more black and white disposition, and most of all - taken in orders from people above me because I was in no position to make decisions on my own. 

when put into a concise paragraph and context, I certainly made the corporate world sound like a bland, unexciting place to be in. think of the men in dapper suits and women in clanking heels, one hand carrying exquisite leather suitcases and the other holding on to venti Starbucks lattes, entering lifts and ascending to high floors within tall windows. Talking about business in its most formal business context - shortforms that the generic non-business studying person would've not heard of. CF, FAS, FSI, TMTs, TPPAs... 

often times I think I'm blending in okay.

still, more often than that, I wonder - what exactly am I doing here?

is this something that us as generation Y face? is there something that we find absent in our daily working lives that make us question the depths of our choices? do we not know how to appreciate how lucky we are today compared to our parents who slaved through more difficult and challenging times? are we just weak and do not have a stronger sense of perseverance? is it because we feel like we are entitled to greatness? 

but I have a question though -

am I not allowed to feel like I am entitled to greatness?

sure, there's more than seven billion people roaming this weird little place we call big planet Earth. how do I, a singular human being out of that incomprehensible fraction, allow myself to feel entitled to greatness? should I not be thankful already that I am within the socioeconomic background that permits me the freedom to submit resumes and attend interviews, and be a part of a well-known company that vouches for its creme de la creme environment and culture?

I honestly don't know.

then there's another question that delves deeper than that. a question that I still can't seem to find the answer for :-

what exactly do I define as greatness?

what do I really want to do?

in the past few months, I have shared conversations along this line of thought with many different friends and colleagues. many of whom, find themselves stuck within a system that they cannot escape or want to escape, not sure as to what exactly they plan on doing with their lives, what are their best qualities that can be contributed to an organisation that deserves their efforts. many of whom are just waiting for it to hit them like eureka. tadaa! there it is, that thing that I want to do most in life!

and the most comforting explanation I can offer is usually this - that we all have different timebombs within us. some of us have undying ambitions since young and pursue it with full force. some of the world's greatest athletes and contributors to society found their passion when they were young. the tenacity that they hold remains one of the greatest things I respect as they follow their dreams with no regrets.

and then there's some of us who's times have not come yet. for specific reasons, we are doing things that are not exactly what we have always wanted to do or saw ourselves doing but we do it anyway as we patiently wait for greater things to come, or for that timebomb to explode inside of us. think of some of the world's most recognised names and they all went through hurdles of doing things that were not rooted in their passion, to come out to be successful, influential individuals. 

the former group is usually the group I envy the most because I've never had a steady ambition since I was a kid. in my primary school report portfolio, my cita-cita included news reporter, crime scene investigator, nutritionist, actress and teacher. none of which I pursued with an anchored discipline. along the way, along with the circumstances of the things that happened in my young life, I decided to pursue Psychology because I wanted to learn more about the illness that took over 30 years of my late father's life. of which I have no regrets for.

that's the thing with me - I don't usually have regrets. because I believe everything that happens, happens for a reason. we learn even from what seems like the most unfathomable situations. but ever so lately, I feel like I'm walking down a path that I had not agreed on. a path that if my 10-year old self saw, would stir me right away and change my direction. 

ever so lately, I've been having flashbacks to that one afternoon in high school when I recited Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken and had clear understanding as to what that poem meant, explaining it passionately and annoyingly to my absent minded classmates. I remember telling my English teacher then that that would go down to being my most cherished poem to heart because of what it stood for - that in order to live a life I'm proud of, I should take the road less taken because that will make all the difference. 

fast forward 8 years later,

and we are here. 

I am still wondering - what is my road less taken? because I can't see it. have I walked down this path too far to see where the divide in the road was? is it right in front of me and I'm too blinded by societal expectations to see it? is it too late? I have yet to turn twenty four; am I really too late? 

where is my road less taken? 

or rather - what is my road less taken?

because so far so good, sorta.

where are you working now?

oh wow they must pay you well

oh wow that's a big company, good for you

oh why there?

really, an accounting firm?

it's been one month in since I started my job upon returning from the States.


I said yes to an accounting firm (in fact one of the bigger and more well known accounting firms), 50% because of the good pay, 35% because of the name of the company, 15% because I knew that it would be a job I can do/ a job that I am good at.


I mean really, by Kuala Lumpur standards,
I'm considered to be in the upper tier of high income earners.


it's been almost exactly one month in.
so when the general questions come swinging in about how it has been, I say :-

I've always prioritised a lot of factors when it comes to career options. pay has always been a huge factor because I know money can't buy happiness but money can pay for a lot of necessary things like car loans, insurances, birthday presents, birthday cakes, much needed holidays, even more needed iced coffees, the occasional shopping spree, the occasional dinner treat for a friend or for the family, emergency visits to the doctor... it's an exhaustive list but truth to be told, that's one of the main reasons why I love working - so that I can be more independent and take hold of more responsibility well. it enables me to be more of an adult, which I am.


but one of the main reasons is also because I can buy all the food I want.
I mean really.
my next financial goal in life is to be able to go grocery shopping worry-free.


and then the next factor, is company culture.
I value and truly appreciate a company that cares for its individuals, moreso because my first job didn't have that. in fact, isn't that one of the most important factors that should be considered in all jobs? to know that you are cared for, and just as important as then next person.


I guess a lot of other factors are generic and not as important but just as important to everyone else. and I have to honestly say, my current job ticks off most of the factors that I require for a job. so, I should be happy, right?




......right?




even typing it out feels heavy because... I guess I will always find it very difficult to voice out the extremely important things to me. things I don't talk about often, things I don't talk about to just everyone who asks. I'm pretty good at keeping a lot of things pent inside and locked away from anyone's guessing. but no matter how much I hide, the people who really know me see right through me without even trying.

 

am I happy?

how do I measure happiness versus contentment?

how do I differentiate the two?

out of the few important factors I have listed above, what about the most important factor - if it is something I want to do? if it's something I love to do? it's easier to think of what I can do because many of us are capable of many things. but then I forget that no matter what easy choice I make, they all come with a different set of struggles. so, on what basis should I make my choices? how important is pay compared to doing what you really love? where can I include in a percentage for "passion" as an equally important factor for a job?

the hardest question to answer is,

what are you most willing to struggle for?

I wish I was more like my sister because she always knew what she wanted to be since she was 13, and that's a chef. and since then, that's been her aim throughout high school and even college. her hardcore persistence has always been and still is both my envy and admiration because she went on the path she wanted. she didn't care what people thought or what they had to say - she knew what her calling was from a really early age and just took a dive for it, no fucks given. in fact I always envied and admired individuals who knew what they wanted to do/be from the start. because the determination that comes with and grows with it is so incomprehensibly commendable.


because in contrast, I never really had a clear goal. in school report cards, my top three dream occupations changed every year, usually highly influenced by a movie that I'd watched or a television series I'd followed. Crime scene investigator, flight attendant, teacher, nurse, biologist, veterinarian, news reporter, actress. yet again, another exhaustive list. I guess that's part and parcel of being an extremely indecisive person. but I'm hella determined, and rather capable as well.


I just never really knew exactly what I wanted to be.
I'm not lost by any chance but instead more... confused.


so in many ways, I'm getting quite frustrated with myself as time goes by. because there is so much that I believe I can still offer. but I keep on letting old fears overcome my decision making processes, and thus, make choices that are easier. choices that can guarantee comfort instead of contentment. I stay in safe choices within my comfort zone box, and hide behind the luxury of a good company with good pay. I try to stay patient and be thankful the choices I'd already made. because they're not bad choices, right? who wouldn't want a job that guarantees a good pay and good working environment?


so far so good, sorta.
but as of the past week's restless nights, one question rings in the back of mind;

what am I most willing to struggle for?

because I'm transitioning (part two).

Growing up is a funny thing. Too often we don't notice of all the little changes that happen as we age. Our bodies change, we develop allergies/preference towards certain things, we grow hair and continue growing more hair. Our bones ache and creak.

We also don't fully realize how much personal experiences can be a factor in moulding the way we think and our approach towards similar situations. 

The people who know me well know how soft hearted I used to be. I never voiced out my frustrations, I pent up things inside and the worst of all - I accommodated to people. I thought and sometimes still think that being a chameleon was one of my strengths as a person but one should never blend in to the point of letting go one's own skin. 

I basically let people have their way because I believed in the better side of people. I believed that deep down, people were considerate human beings who thought of one another. I believed that kindness existed deep within every individual.

Well, not that I've been proven wrong. And not that I've met some shit people in life coz it sure sounded like it lol I mean I still believe in the good within people. 

Just not all people.

I've learnt this the hard way from the likes of broken friendships and two-faced bosses. I've cried enough tears for people who didn't deserve it and questioned what sort of lesson God wanted me to learn from embedding such difficult, unavoidable paths in my life.

Time and time again, I believe in the magnificent God who works in ultimately mysterious ways. As there is nothing He gives that you cannot handle. Everyday that I look into the mirror, I have a permanent note on my body reminding me of the adversities I'd had to overcome on my own and if anything, let burned bridges guide you and light your way.

In unfortunate events today, I am reminded of how my approach towards difficult situations have changed due to the past experiences I'd endured. 

I no longer keep frustrations to myself when it comes to conflict with a secondary party. I've realized the importance of being direct and straight forward when necessary and expressing it without pent up anger. I now practice the necessity of confrontation and being verbally clear with boundaries. And most importantly, I no longer feel bad nor pity those who don't deserve my compassion. That sometimes, you have to hurt people because they need to feel the pain.

I've learnt the hard way that not all people deserve kindness because in this big world, the reality is that some human beings are indescribably ignorant and oblivious towards their impenetrable egos. Or worse, they are aware of their flaws but do nothing to improve themselves and continue going about recklessly.

You be too nice,

and the first thing people will do is step all over you.

I grew up seeing this happen to my father, who by all accounts is and was the kindest man I'd ever known - had people take advantage of his beautiful heart and the person at the losing end was no one but him.

To quote one of my favorite phrases although my father was the opposite of this, My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

Be good to everyone, especially towards those who are good to you - once you realize that there are those who are using you to their selfish advantage, you take it back. You show them how human you can be, how angry and how dissatisfied you can be. Emotions are meant to be felt, not stored inside a locked cage. If you can be good, show people that you can be bad as well.


Because not everyone deserves your kindness.

because I'm transitioning.

It's funny how the settings of my environment whenever I sit down to blog, don't change. I'm always seated alone, usually in my home living room or by bedroom window, in the gentle silence of the a.m hour or with the accompaniment of some sort of indie-folk music. a cup of hot green tea not far away from reach.

almost three months since my last blog entry,
I am now writing this as a temporary resident of New Jersey, leaning on the edge of my living room couch with earphones plugged in. television off. two of my housemates quietly engaging in their own little worlds with their earphones on as well. 1:00 a.m. sipping on green tea.

to think that my last temporary travel overseas was the UK and that was with the accompaniment of my mother five years ago. I was 18, still studying, still young and still growing. and that was for 6-7 blissful weeks.

nearly two months ago, I teared to myself as I turned my back towards my family bidding goodbye and walked through the international departure gates of KLIA and boarded on my 23-hour flight alone, transitioning between airports on my own.

I'd never traveled abroad on my own before and indefinitely, the entire process was and still is exhilarating for me. this has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time - to travel while I'm still young. to explore cities that I've read about in books and watched in my favourite television shows and movies. to be exposed to different cultures. to breathe in a different air and be under different clouds.

and now I'm here,
nearly two months into my five month work-and-travel programme.and within the past two months, I have seen and done much despite having a 12-hour work schedule six days a week. a day upon arriving at the JFK International Airport and temporarily staying with a family friend in Brooklyn, I explored New York on my own with two maps in both hands respectively. I still remember how my heart pounded when I got off the subway station and walked into Time Square. and how I bought a hot dog from a truck and sat there, soaking everything in. I remember being too overwhelmed as I stared at working New Yorkers in their black suits and briefcases, beautifully dressed women trying to catch a cab, people having fancy brunches in fancy restaurants, the sounds of drivers cursing at each other, and hot steam evaporating from road works. I stared at endless skyscraper buildings and even more endless roads. I walked through neighbourhoods, hidden alleys, bustling parks. the many times I got lost between streets and directions and the many times that kind strangers helped me.

New York truly is the city that never sleeps.

now, I've been to New York twice and visited Philadelphia. I'd also taken a four-hour, three-bus journey to Atlantic City to catch my one and only Lana live. how I teared as she finally showed up on the stage. waiting for 8 hours and being shoved around in the front row was worth it.


working in a kitchen has proved the need for more muscle and tenacity than most jobs so working 12 to 13 hour shifts have worn out my body in ways I never imagined I could. I get so carried away immersing and adjusting myself into my six-day work routine that I don't realize the routine itself is an experience. I've learned so much about the quintessential American culture and additionally, Latino culture because I work with an entire kitchen of Mexicans.


every now and then, I recall some of the cross-cultural papers I'd read during my time as a Psychology student and it's such an indescribable feeling to see these studies translated into real life as I get the opportunity to have a more holistic understanding of behavior in cultures. It is both humbling and grounding as a human being to experience and notice all the differences that our cultures make of us, and all the similarities that we hold despite of it.

Being alone and on your own in a country so far away from home only reinforces how much more time you spend alone. I often read when it's not busy in the kitchen and I've finished Murakami and now going through Nabokov's Lolita. even as I read both books, I think/thought to myself: I am reading Japanese/Russian literature while being in America! How cool is that! #derptimes


I love being on on my own here. I have always been an independent girl and being able to live on my own here reinforces to me that I can do it. I can live on my own, buy my own groceries, pay my own rent. I've grown close to my four lovely Malaysian housemates, all of which are extroverted introverts on varying levels just like myself. to quote my country's national carrier, journeys are made by the people you travel with. and I cannot agree with that phrase more. and with some of my travels I have done here with them, I am excited to continue traveling with them in two months.


Sleeping alone was a little difficult at first - I've slept next to my sister all my life and I still do so I miss her random banter of things. and being someone who is considerably and unashamedly afraid of the dark does not make things any easier. because of the 12 hour difference between here and back home, I've had the comfort of Simon to Skype with to sleep every now and then. this is a recently graduated, free man so no I am not being a clingy girlfriend :p

Being alone is one thing.

Being in a (wonderful) relationship is another. 

I've always been the sort of person who didn't mind and sometimes prefer doing things alone. being here and traveling alone has been something I've wanted to do for a very long time - but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss the person I love. I don't know if you you the reader la who else have ever experienced the sort of feeling where... you just know that things are better when you are with that specific person.


now forgive me for going all cheesy and Nicholas Sparks but let me clarify it in ways that I can. what I mean when I say that things are better is such that your thoughts are better, the way you perceive things are better, your experiences are better, you as a person are better. and that's what Simon is to me. Being here and being so far away from him has made me realize that I have changed from being the sort of person who held a minutely separate identity and personal time for romantic relationships, to the sort of person who would rather spend all possible time with this person that I am only so lucky to call my best friend, soulmate, my #twinsie for everything, my favourite person on earth, and last but not least - my home. 


indeed it is not time nor experiences that brought about this change within me.
it is him.


so if you were to find or had already found someone that you can actually call all those things (and who can call you by the same things as well) - wouldn't you be feeling the dire weight of separation as much as I am had you been thousands of miles away from home? and by home, I mean the idea of home within a person?


Believe - Mumford & Sons

because some things (and people) should be taken note of.

I am approximately a month away from my five-month trip to the States, which means my 7-month contract at my current workplace will end in the next two weeks or so.

in my tenure of more than six months working as a fresh graduate junior executive, I have learned more than I'd expected to learn from working for an association that lacked a specific management structure and had a questionable constitution. I have cried more than I'd thought I'd cry from having dealt (and still having to deal) with unjust humiliation, unjustified stress load and the constant reminder of mistakes made. but most importantly, I have observed more than I'd thought I'd observe from less-than-significant businessmen who thrive from their position power and how they trick themselves into believing that they are a lot more influential and smart than they really are.


it probably comes with being a Psychology graduate, that I am so interested in understanding how some people are the way they are. I observe the way they view their environment, the way they treat lower-level staff and higher-level VIPs and how large the gap between the both is, how they react in times of pressure, how they react to their own mistakes and the way they displace their anger, the words they use to justify situations  it's like the list of observations don't end.

there is also so much that you can judge just from how one looks and the first impression they give of. 

how they dress, how they present themselves, their level of fitness, how they communicate with first-time business partners, how they communicate with long time business partners, what situations they make a joke out of.


I want to take note of a specific moment today in a meeting where a long-time affiliate partner was called in for what was supposed to be a business discussion. take note that he was made to wait for about an hour before being called in and the original proposal was to discuss the possibilities of securing a deal with lower cost expenditure from our side.


I have worked with this affiliate partner several times - from a professional standpoint and as a personal preference, I enjoy working with individuals who are respectful of others and can handle adverse situations well. he was one of those individuals.


in this particular meeting, I observed a large amount of unscrupulous treatment as several low-level staff like myself saw how he was ridiculed and treated unethically by someone who had been in the association for a much shorter time than he had. right before his unfair treatment, I was ridiculed as well by the same person as he mentioned my name shamelessly countless times in the efforts of trying to shame me.


of course, all my crying aside from previous nasty encounters, I've developed quite a level of thick skin. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't look at him nor did I react. I'd been made numb to his petty enjoyment of blaming all he can on a junior executive like myself.


amidst his wasting of our time, he went on a barrage of talking about things that don't concern the meeting's agenda. as in previous and other meetings, he'd usually stir off into talking about how much time he devotes to his position, how much of it he was doing as a charitable favour to the association, how close to nothing he makes from chairing different events and how everything in the world is wrong and so should be made right, except himself.

'I don't want there to be any finger pointing,'

he said as he forgets the countless times he has pointed his finger not just at me, but to many of my other extremely hardworking colleagues for things within our control.

'I want to have a clear conscience when I leave this position,'

he said as I remembered the countless times I have questioned how people like him sleep at night. 

my ridiculing aside, at least it is justifiable - as he reminds it to us over and over, 'the Executive Council is the Executive Council, the staff are just staff and you do as you are paid'. what I probably couldn't accept is the fact that he was speaking in such a disrespectful manner to someone who's been involved with the association for much longer than he has.


in between instances of keeping my gaze empty, I watched the one-sided argument go down. I looked at my affiliate partner a few times and as he noticed me observing, he gave me a well-meaning eyebrow raise quickly, almost as if he was totally unaffected by the harsh treatment he was receiving.


as the meeting then ended later on, I'd went back to my desk and he walked around our office floor for a bit before heading off. I proceeded to ask him if he was okay, to which he said he was perfectly fine. and then he goes on to say:

"if you are fifty and you do things out of charitable favor, you would be at peace. the true act of charity would involve the sentiment of God and doing it all in favor of Him.

 I saw you, JuYi. I saw you observing.

 you're a smart girl. don't forget that."

sometimes it's not the act of being appreciated that makes a job more fulfilling than it should be. more often than not, I have learnt that it's moreso the idea that you are understood by someone else and the acknowledgement of your state of being human. it is also more gratifying when you come across individuals whose comprehension of situations defy its circumstances.

.... who am I kidding,
I'm just thriving on the fact that he said I was a smart girl.

but really,
not just within a job - in life, there is perhaps nothing greater than being understood by someone else. that even with all your complicated wirings and unexplainable flaws, you are lucky enough to meet someone who somehow manages to understand you almost completely. and maybe it comes with being someone who has a very holistic way of understanding the world despite all the shortcomings headed their way. 


so when you meet these kind of people,
wouldn't you want to take note of them?

because I struggle too.

I think we all know about the stigmas that surround working life. That horrible bosses are everywhere, people are overworked and underpaid, there is no such thing as a fixed hour shift, your efforts go unappreciated (or better yet, scrutinized), you get blamed for things that are not even your fault to begin with, management is fucked upside down, higher ups abuse their power, you work way more than what your original job description states, and the list goes on.


I'm no stranger to all these stigmas. everyone who is already working tells you that all this is normal, and that is a part of entering the adult world. In the same way one prepares for a half marathon, I tried prepping myself mentally to face the possibility of half of these stigmas happening before I applied for the job. You think of the pain you will have to endure, and then you think of all the positive motivation you will tell yourself along the way when things get difficult.

don't give up.

can't give up.
the race goes on.

because what are the odds that your job will throw you ALL these stigmas at one go, right?


exactly.
what are the odds.

there is no point in me talking about the horrible things that go on in my workplace. like how everyone says, it's normal. it happens. deal with it. grow up. plus I don't plan to make a comparison or set some sort of bar for the 'My Job Is Worse Than Yours' topic. not that there should be a comparison between who has the more shitty job anyway.


in the same way I don't believe there should be a comparison between who's had a more difficult time growing up or who has the worst parents. in the same way we've all gone through tough times with our mother and/or father, we even out the playing field. they even out the playing field.


that because, the very reason we even exist is because of them, that they have the right to be obeyed even when the instruction seems overbearing, to be respected even when they disrespect you, and to be understood without questions asked even when they don't make an effort to understand you.


oh that's how parents are.
it's normal.
it happens.
deal with it.
grow up.


as I continue growing up and adjusting into this weird adult world, I find myself questioning: to what extent do we still let our parents have a significant influence in our decisions and thought process? at what age should it stop? can we really separate ourselves from the person that our parents subconsciously want us to be? and if we can, to what point do we consider those actions rebellious or self-indulgent? is there such this as owing our parents the deed of life?


I have come to know of so many people, both new friends and old friends alike, who have given up their dreams, made decisions that went against their will, and chosen paths they did not want to choose just to make their parents happy. I see their lives completely altered from that single option they didn't even want to consider but took anyway because their parents told them to do so.


some ponder back and remember it as a mistake they wish they never made. some accept it, move on, and look for alternative happiness in that new path and new dream that was not even theirs to begin with.


I remember a certain time not too long ago when I'd gotten into a heated argument with my mother. and out of extreme disrespect, I told her that if I had to subject myself to so much of bullshit, I'd rather have not been born. because what is the point of living when I constantly have to adhere to unwritten restrictions and unmentioned plans that I don't agree with?


I know we live in a truly horrible world where wars are still happening. where people don't have a house to live in or enough food to eat. where lives can appear to be as miniscule as the nuclear waste of the bombs that kill them.


but that does not discount the everyday struggles that the average youth in our generation today face when it comes to dealing with our parents who don't agree. because when we are conflicted with the idea of breaking our parents' hearts and dreams for us, we are left with the utilitarian decision of breaking ours. and if they equivalently want us to sacrifice our dreams just so we can fulfill theirs, how is that different from murder?


and isn't that one of our generation's biggest dilemmas of all - the mental struggle? we have to think on behalf of more people now, take into consideration a lot more persons' feelings, think about our future, think about money, think about getting a house, about buying insurance, about paying back our education loan... where does the 'what do I want' fit in? or is that no longer relevant in our growingly hectic mindplace?


I think what is most terrifying is how we are going to treat our future children in the upcoming generation. will we give them that weight of similar responsibility in fulfilling the hopes and dreams that we will have manifested for them? how are we going to allow for our future children to mould themselves when we ourselves have been forced into a mold? can we live with the idea of granting our future children the happiness they want without demonstrating some sort of bitterness?


workplace and home alike, I continuously question my environment and the people who are in it as they continuously challenge my patience and strength. I have cried and struggled enough and sure I might cry again sometime in the near future, but I know that these things will build me up stronger the next time I fall down. and I have to trust my journey because it is my own, no one elses.


Wild - Royal Teeth

a constant ache I can't erase

because coincidences like these are still funny.

so yesterday I went for CHVRCHES and it was bloody amazing but I needed to pen this down somewhere because what happened yesterday night after the  concert which was equally interesting was when I thought I'd lost my car keys when in actuality I'd left it at TGIF during dinner to which was kept by the manager but said manager had left with my car key kept in his pants pocket and was currently at the gym in Wangsa Maju as told by a helping staff member of which I'd gotten the details of said manager's number from so I could contact him when he was done with gym so I could get my car keys back which meant that I had to take the LRT home from midtown KL with nothing on me except my wallet, lipstick and handphone and wearing a cropped top paired with an extremely short skirt did not help at 11:30p.m. but I didn't have a choice so I did and when I reached home later on, I waited until said manager finally called me and was apologizing non stop and offered to send me straight back to my car in midtown KL and so he did and picked me up from my condo minus cropped top paired with extremely short skirt (I had to change in something more demure obviously) and after several minutes of talking, we find out that we went to the same high school and he was my senior by four years and I knew his friends well and he knew my friends well and in a world so small, such coincidences happening are still and will always remain relevantly funny and necessary for remembering.