because i'll try to make this my last.

though my happiness level this very moment is about a 10/100,
when i reflect back at everything that has graciously happened to me, and the things that i worked for to happen in this year od 2009, it reminds me of the many things i've accomplished.



i think, throughout these 365 days, everyday there is something for me to learn. no day was unmemorable to me. though there are days in which i wished would just be zapped out of my memory so it won't leave behind effusively estranged and painfully bitter moments that i would occasionally time travel to on random days. forgive definitely, but no one ever really forgets.


but thats why rainy days never leave our memory.


they are there to remind us of how much crap we've put up with. and if another one comes in the way, we'd just give it the finger and move on from it.


this year, i have realized more of the type of person that i would eventually grow into in years down the road. for example, i realized i'm the type who finds emotional pain much harder to handle with than physical. yes, my emotional tolerance level is about a -10.



i will forever be someone who overthinks everything.
i just got off the phone with BoonAun about it; my knack of over-analyzing everything except Math, well cooked spaghetti, and comfortable sneakers is a good and bad thing at the same time. almost everything is a good and bad thing at the same time so hence, many things in life are neutral.


i love anything that has sentimental value and i am starting to give my loved ones/favourite things sentimental value. for example, i keep new clothes in my cupboard for a minimum of one week and maximum of years before i actually wear them. i buy secondhand items.



anythng vintage has started to get into my blood as well. all things mahagony, laced, frames, rich hues of brown, chignons, ribbons and pearls, big rings, iced cupcakes and china.




i am most likely, and most definitely venturing into journalism as my career. if not, something that i am genuinely very very interested in because i don't care about how much it'll give to me, i care about how much i'd give to it, so as to make my future job something that i would love for a long time.


though i said i'd give the finger to a bloody problem that i have similarly faced before, i will still always be someone who is difficult. by difficult, i mean someone who is very doubtful, even if its towards the person she cares for the most. being an extremely picky eater and shopper. being a person in which, it takes an immense load of effort to get me up when i fall down.


i've also, finally came to senses,
that i am worth enough to choose my own friends.
unquestionably, i have casted out certain people from my life. because i've finally realized that i don't have to stick around people who would only bring about negativity and pull me down. thats right. I DON'T NEED CHUUU. i am good on my own, thank you very much. i take a curtsy and bow.

as for tomorrow,
and the next 365 days,
i am setting many goals for myself.

i really want to be less of me, and yet be more of me. i'll be eighteen next year. driving, attending college, working. hopefully a year wiser, and not a year more senile. i'm going to pursue, i'm going to run and i'm going to fly.

watch me.

Orange Sky- Alexi Murdoch

lyrics used to be posted up on lyricalsteps on a frequency of once a fortnight. because that is how important music is to me. they are my mediums of connection between someone else out there who is feeling the exact same thing that i am feeling. when i'm down, it makes me one percent less lonely and when i'm up and about, it makes me one percent higher.


i recently heard this song on the radio.
lets be honest, mainstream music is not as good as it was before.
sex, drugs, money, naked women.


so yes, this song.
it once meant nothing to me.
but now it means everything to me.


i am mixing the lyrics of Avalanche by Marie Digby with a little bit of something that i wrote yesterday on the bed, as i was tearing away. they don't chime together like PB and J but it is the first thing that i have composed officially. ( officially = complete with melody, tune, lyrics )



you got me standing at the bottom of this fountain that we made
and the ground is shaking from all of our mistakes
there's no one, but the ice is on its way
it's a matter of time
can we rewind?


if you only knew
what my heart goes through for you
i'm tryin to break through
do you think it's worth the chance?
hold on to this path
is it too much to ask?
so where do we stand?
can we pull through this avalanche?


i wanna throw away this feeling
i wanna let go of this pain from the past
coz i am better off without these tears
so maybe i'll sleep
so maybe i'll sleep


Avalanche- Marie Digby

because i am overwhelmed by these things.

mom recently brought back these boxes of delish cupcakes.
she rarely buys em.
but i totally dig em.
its adorable shape, thickly creamed, sweeter than sin :)



spent a marvelous time at PD with the best people i've ever known
often i feel that photos of skies and landscapes don't do justice to its actual portrait. though each day of the three day two night stay had a different weather, i loved every.single.bit.of.it.
beach volleyball in the rain FTW!



today i surprised someone.
today, someone surprised me.
i feel somewhat nostalgic and very much juxtaposed. because i know that the effort put into making a surprise is worth it when it is for someone special.

i'm glad i made you feel special
and i'm glad that i am special to you as well :)

Comfortable- John Mayer

because this chapter is coming to an end.

hello lovelies,
how are you?


for those who thought that i've died,
don't worry.
i'm very much breathing, alive and still eating ;)


as many can see and have known,
i've been having some lovely entertainment on the left side of my blog :)
can't really update much now, since i don't want to be unrighteously scrutinized for nothing. and also because i've been happily bonding with Facebook. *grins*


but what i know is that lyricalsteps is going to come to an end very soon.


i've had a good 3 years + friendship with this beloved e-journal of mine. and i think its time for me to move on and try something new *wipes dripping mascara*
i might be moving on to tumblr next, plus an actual journal for me to write more personal thoughts and things.


hopefully i update after Port Dickson! :D
happy holidays, all!

You and The Conversation

Yellow- Vitamin String Quartet

because we rejoice.

thou shall stop using plastic bottles because they are made of polyethene!
they can KEEL YOUUUH

on a rather related note,

happy merdeka fellow friends :D

Part Of The List- NeYo

TIME
TO KILL THE CHEMISTRY BABYY

because its difficult.

is it just me,
or do people who get older just get crankier?
and i'm talking in terms of hours, not years

i've never ever been the type who doesn't care.
never.


and i never find it easy to ignore rude remarks, kurang ajar tones and blatantly stupid behaviour. even when it doesn't involve myself. call me penyibuk if you may, but it really does tick me off to quite a high level. so, the thing is, i don't know if i should learn to ignore and let wrong situations be wrong, or harden my head even more to fight against something that i believe is not right and not supposed to go on.


if i learn to ignore,
that only makes me like everyone else.
not willing to bring about change, just following the flow of normality.


if i decide to harden my head,
it goes against my other principle,
which is to always respect people who are years ahead of me.


that brings me to another question.
where do you draw the line between just lowering your head and accepting people for just how they are, and bravering yourself to voice your opinion towards someone whose beliefs you don't agree with?
























on a separate note,
i need to do more Chemistry exercises.
i am simply getting too cocky.

happy birthday LeeMeiYing and TangSiuWern!
i love both of you so the very the much :D

Use Somebody- Paramore

'cause we got to change.

today i suddenly feel elevated.
i felt the need to speak, to talk to people i don't often talk to, to acknowledge the ones that are the silent wallflowers in my world.


i used to have a nasty habit of analyzing details,
and then mock myself because of the advantages that people have over me, but also quietly pat myself on the back because of the advantages i have over them.




i feel changed.
not entirely, but most definitely.





today, during the sermon which i arrived in time for,
i found myself engaging passionately in the message that Pastor Ong was preaching to us. many of the things that he has been talking about recently happen to be very mind opening and enlightening ( for myself ). today, he spoke about how many Christians reach their destination, but don't fulfill their destiny.



i am not speaking in reference to anyone, not even myself, but he is indeed very true. logically, what is the point of constantly talking about bringing more people to Christ when one doesn't live in the ways of our Lord? sure; it IS GREAT to preach and spread the gospel but if in the process, we lie, we practice fraud, we dismiss other important things like family and loved ones... how does that make us any bit Christian?

on a more relevant note for youth,
we bitch, we blabber, we complain, we gossip...
what sort of image are we portraying to the world as His believers?

we focus so much on booking a spot for ourselves in heaven,
until we forget to live in His ways during our time on this earth.


the reason why i found this message enlightening was because i never saw bringing-more-people-to-Christ as my destiny as a Christian. i got confused along the way and my belief system nearly broke because i saw and experienced many friends who seemed to have focused on that with more importance, instead of first, trying to live righteously.


please don't get me wrong,
and think that preaching the gospel is unnecessary.
it is only something that i will do successfully one day when my faith and belief in Him is of top notch, and when i am finally ready to exemplify myself as the right example of a believer.

right now,
i am still a piece of forming clay,
not fully shaped yet,
and simply not ready yet.

with this,
i pray that all my brothers and sisters can rethink and reshift our focuses. that if we have focused on our destination so much instead of our destiny, we can take time to change these wrong mindsets of ours and always remember to exemplify You and the ways that You have lived while you were on this Earth. then only can we be successful in the things we do because we have allowed You to work amidst us.


Misguided Ghosts- Paramore

it is difficult sometimes to focus on a movie,
when you have such a smoldering man for the lead actor.

*sigh* Logan Bartholomew.
why are there so few pictures of you on the net!?

now i'm going to buy Janette Oke's books,
and ingeniously visualize him in every picture possible.


Clocks- VersaEmerge

because its the Trinity smackdown.

Chemistry

Physics

Biology

i planned on taking a break today,
but my nerves are constantly getting to me.
good luck, fellow Addmath students!

Billy Bell
the most amazing being i've ever seen

probably the cutest thing on the first day of SPM,

was half of the hall with their shoes off. :)

ready, set........

because i learnt something.

as expected,

i wept like a baby.


Ratings: 4.5/5 stars

if you're not a big fan of like fast cars and explosions, or lots of girls in thongs and bikinis, or lots of slapstick humour, then you would definitely loike this movie. *thumbs up* its really nothing to brag about, this movie. but maybe thats why i like it so much. and have you ever noticed how Rachel Mcadams is just so beautiful? yes, Rachel Mcadams is who i'm talking bout, not Eric Bana.


a pretty good story,
that will make you stone out and think about life.
damn do i sound philosophical

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've always been one to speak my mind.
and its not a surprise or shock to many either, this simple statement.


but... you should know that i used to be that timid, weird bookworm who sat in the corner of the room and only talking when i'm hungry, thirsty or irritated by a mosquito. then i went through the whole 'peer pressure' phase and from the different walks of life that i have befriended, i was definitely one of the most peer pressured. i felt the need to talk a certain way, not to speak of things that i thought maybe would make me look like a snoozeball and to just follow the flow.

quite unbelievable, coming from a school debator eh?

sometimes i wonder if i still do, or, am like that.
i've changed, definitely, but once in a while i still feel like i'm forcing my lips shut because i don't want to exude.... well, a boring personality. to walk with my head held high, faking every inch of confidence as i walk step by step. to just jolt up a conversation because i despise weird cricket-noise moments. to laugh at someone's lame joke, though in my mind i'm going 'God is this guy for real?'

today i learnt,
that maybe its not all too bad a thing, this thing that peer pressure has made out of me.

it has made me a bit more aware of people's intentions and true colours sometimes, and a fast critic towards a person's character, persona and behaviour. i know whats in and happening, and whats not. but being the person that i've finally became, thanks to the great upbringing of my parents and guidance from weird-as-well friends, i learnt not to care so much. that really, none of it matters. this plastic world that exists.


it has taught me how to make the best out of a situation.
how to behave in front of different people at different occasions, to let someone know that i'm willing to share an ear if i could help by just listening. to make someone feel better, by laughing at their not-so-funny joke.


it has also made me more aware of people, in general.
the good things that we can do, and also the bad things we can do. how we fall to sin's temptation and perform acts of small crimes and big crimes.

that maybe sometimes, its better if i kept things to myself.
to speak of things only if necessary, be it good or bad.
ironically, as i publicly write this part-confession-part-truestory, i finally understand what it means by privacy. and own space.


and that is something that i am learning to develop.
i am still going to be an outspoken person,
but now with my own privacy.
keeping my life as something that shouldn't be known by everyone and anyone.







oops.
have to go study.


Broken- Lifehouse

because

many think i'm probably busy working my ass off.
immersed in Physics books, reading and reading more History like how i always do. or probably showing off some Biology knowledge to a poor unwilling ear.


truth is,
i just finished watching 2 wholesome hours of SoYouThinkYouCanDance season4's audition on AXN, and a Desperate Housewives shocker episode where Edie crashed her car into a telephone pole and accidentally got electrocuted after finding out that her husband is a psychopath murderer.


i know i should never compare myself to others.
i know i shouldn't be here on the computer, so freely either.


and no its not my first time "taking a break from studying".
in fact, i've been taking too many breaks from studying.
and again, no. i'm not being too hard on myself.


i simply can't recall being in this state of mind before my trials or before my PMR if i'm allowed to date that far back. to be honest, i don't know why i'm allowing myself to waste the last bits of precious time before this examination. i don't know what is driving this senseless arrogance in me. 'i don't know' seems to be buzzing in my head thoroughly in the past fortnight.

i've lost all sense of motivation.
i no longer see my goal.
i have no answer.
its all getting blurry, fuzzy and numb.

i know. its just an examination. life can go on. bla.


just that all these expectations that are coming of of me, and the want to do it for the teachers who've put in so much effort into helping me and guiding me. i am no longer the subject of my determination. its so painstakingly difficult because i want to but i can't. get. it. together. i know i can do it but i'm just not sure, what more with the fact that i'm simply not busting my ass off like how most of you are thinking.


i don't need a 'you are already prepared' or 'you can do it'.
because i have no bloody idea.
and neither do you.

seven days left.
and i have no idea where i stand.

Moments Between Sleep- VersaEmerge

coz seriously,

i have some spectacular friends.
especially this one.

a real nutcase 80% of the time but overall he's amazing :D

i also love celine tang, sarah lee, tanboonhoe and all you chews!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

the massage parlour's closed already.
great job.


i'm just gonna sit here, rot and die with this spine thats going to dislocate itself any given minute now.



yes.
i am a drama queen and i exaggerate.




have fun sitting for SPM without me, kekawan ;)

my new favourite way to overcome overwhelming tears and emotions;




going to sleep.





goodbye and goodnight.




Holiday- Boys Like Girls

coz it makes me pretty damn sad.

money makes the world go round,
the world go round

because good things come in all kinds of packages.

Kasturi gave out free Brands Essence Chicken to us today.
then we were unwillingly forced to consume it together. entah for what.
and i downed the whole bottle like a hero, foo!


lets hope that it actually can help me keep awake for the night and do some proper and actual studying.


si mamat lengchai who gave the 10 minute Brands' speech in class today,
don't sue me for blogging my dislike to cold marmite/raw eggyolk tasting liquid.

but dammit,
why can't i revive the before-trials mood!?

----------------------------------------------------------------

EDITED DRAFT


so Lee's soft-spoken dad was very nice to fetch a few of us home from kasturi today.


i asked to be dropped outside my housing area at a bus stop, where the walking distance is.. okay lah, not a stone's throw away but it honestly isn't far. besides, there are always random neighbours strolling around the small place at 8pm to walk the dog, walk with wife/husband dll


just as i was, literally 50 steps away from my house,
i noticed a car slowly followed me from behind.
sumpah, panicked at first but when i looked harder it was actually Lee's father, with Lee in the passenger seat!


like a cartoon character, i looked front, then looked back at the car, looked front, and looked back at the car, then went to the car;

'yes, uncle?'
'you walk back. i see.'
my house! don't worry! its just there! *points*
*laughs* yeah you walk, wanna make sure you get home safely.


i giggled all the 50steps home.


i have never been stalked home lol in that manner before, and found it very enlightening to experience a parent that not only cares for their own child but also for the safety of other children. what more, when uncle Lee barely even knows me. so, kids; suck up about your parents not caring for you and all that emo stuff you have going on with yourself. love your parents! go hug them and kiss them now now now!

Pretty Thing- Charlotte Martin

because it was off the chain ;)

i graduated :D

but WAAAAY before the whole shizzay,
it was sleepover at ines' place! *skipidies around* the only thing i remember is waking up at 5:30a.m cooking for the girls and edna's hantu sleeping habits. pity Alistair. tsktsk.

coz i was one of the only girls who wore flats, baby ;p

was bertikamlidah-ing with the fishmonger lady to kurangkan harga

while waiting upstairs.....

it was a freaking saree/punjabi suit parade i'm telling you. but nontheless ALL looked super class ;D

monitors' and m.assistants' of A and B
jawatan je ada, tugas sungguh tidak memuaskan sebenarnye
terutama ketua kelas A *batuk*

TOKOH MURID
doesn't he look so intellectual?

and my other tokoh murid :D

then downstairs.....

the best + worst moment of the day
i still think it was the highlight of the event. PERIOD

poor BoonHoe was sick :(


Kenny's, mine's

Boon's, Wern's

PnZakiah :)

i swore i wouldn't make a joke out of it,
but i have to say it;
someone wore a SKIIIIRT~

apple
dgn kasut idamanku


getting a taste of the tokoh pelajar trophey that i wasn't even shortlisted for!

*sigh*

the memories that i will keep with me as i go on from here.


with Vitamin C's Graduation song playing in background,
i still remember the first day coming into this school. the shivers i got because i was wearing a new uniform, carrying a new bag with new books. i still remember also, what was my first conversation with the people whose names have been engraved deep within my being.

okay fine its not hard to remember coz first day itself i was put in charge of the class and so, i tried real hard to not make it awkward when speaking to new people so i sounded overtalkative 8)

after the whole majlis ended,
i managed to strike a conversation with old friends Anisatul, Bhavna, Rashpal and Brian.


these are not the people i am closest to.
but i remember what was my first encounter with these people in sekolah rendah.


i spoke to Anisatul in standard1 as she was sitting in the dewan terbuka alone on a humid day and asked if she had a quarter to lend as i needed to buy something. i remember Bhavna sat next to my decade-long best friend, Amalina in 1Dahlia. Rashpal was from 2Anggerik and that was when i got to know her. and there was one fine day when Brian and i were in 2Cempaka, and we carried the class rubbish bin together to the big black bin near the girls' toilet and were teased 'ooh Brian ngan Wooong~' by another Cempakian.


ironic.
coz GOD KNOWS what other things i remember with this forgetful brain of mine.


and if i could remember those small, almost unimportant details from primary school, who knows how many times i will be reminiscing the good, bad and plainly idle times throughout the five years i've spent growing and learning in SMK Seksyen5 Wangsa Maju. we shall now await my tears on the last day of school.

last but not least,

check out Jega's fartface 8)