because this is it.

it's the last day of the year.

many people have said that this year seemed to have flew by too instantly. maybe it's because time flies when you're having fun. i definitely had alot of fun. it's a pity that i never got to fully share here all the experiences and people that God has blessed me with. from my SPM result day, my experience from working odd jobs, the little freelance modelling gigs that i did, the expired love stories, the first day i stepped into the college that changed my life, the numerous dance projects, all the way until the recent Melaka trip with 20 other crazy kids... all of it. i still remember all of it like they had just happened yesterday.


how much i have definitely changed.


i no longer linger too long on things that demotivate and tear me down. i've become solid, a simple warrior in its very own state. instead of being the crier, i became the person people cried on. maybe because i finally truly realized that the person in control of my feelings is myself. i actually have control, and i get to decide how i feel. i am no longer the victim of impermanent solitude, i am free. 




this year, i had also realized the beauty of the people around me more. i appreciate ever so much those that are my best friends, those that are my good friends, and those that are just everyday passerbys. i learnt to see past the imperfections of people and treasure their definite qualities. i love that every single person is different in such varying ways.


i've started writing letters.
because merely stating them through texts or facebook wall posts cannot fully render the depth of my love and gratitude for the existence of some people that i've been very lucky to cross paths with in my life. i plan on keeping this plain habit, for as long as my heart has the yearning to express and speak of feelings that cannot be fully expressed verbally or in common contextual forms.


all in all, this year has been nothing but a gracious blessing.
i look forward to what 2011 has in store for me, and for the rest of us.


for now, i'm going to feast on some delicious Kelantan rice in honour of our Malaysian goalkeeper Khairul Fahmi, mmm mmm, watch Black Swan, play Monopoly and then proceed to Ranjali's house for a lovely girlfriends gathering to countdown the end of 2010.


happy new year, guys :)


Always Attract- You Me At Six

because they don't come around very often.

you see these three women surrounding me?

i have come to know each of them through different encounters, for different durations, and have gone through different life experiences with them, and conversely the same way as well. i'm glad the four of us are so compatible despite the varied dissimilarities that we have. i love Angelina, Justine, and JiaLi. 

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it's close to 1 in the morning, my brain demands its rest and yet i'm frivolously up, sipping on a facile cup of green tea. i just cannot go to bed without writing down everything that is now on my mind. 

no, i am not awake because i have thoughts of her/thoughts of me with her. but i do have a big lesbian crush on her because she IS the epitome of perfection, despite knowing the countless plastic surgery she's had done. 

from my very own experience with the usual reaction people have towards miss Fox,

women hate her. men want to sex her. 

same goes for all the other usually-skin-baring women in the industry. 

'omg she's like so frikking HOT'

'omg her boobs are so damn huge man, damn nice'

'her body is like.... so damn cun'

'Jessica Alba is damn damn hot'

'she's like the hottest girl ever'

'her face + her body is like cun man PERFECT'

do i even need to begin with what men usually say bout her?

in no way am i condescending towards these few women that i chose to use as examples here. i actually think they're beautiful and have more frequent girl crushes on them than you can imagine. my problem is the italicized captions, which represent the comments they usually get, particularly from the male species. 

as obviously,

there's not much vocabulary in the average male person's dictionary other than 'hot' and 'cun'. 

surely, i cannot blame the men for being so objective towards women when you have them scantily clad in racy underwear for magazine covers and issues ( sometimes even without the underwear ). and yes i do know very well that not all men talk like that. however, i know many who do.  my question is what about the other women? what about those that don't choose to reveal as much skin as the ones showcased here? 

here's something for laughs;

i asked a few male friends once if they had any idea who Audrey Hepburn was. 

'nope'. 

siapa makan wasabi, dialah rasa itu pedas sampai naik hidung

the classics; Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman, Carey Mulligan, Anne Hathaway... you don't hear too often guys saying they're sexy as hell or has got a hot rack. in fact, you don't even hear them being talked about. not amongst the objectifying-type men, to say the least. the word beautiful comes about so rarely these days, if not, misused. could it be that men just feel inferior talking about beauties with brains? not saying that Katy, Jessica or Kim are brainless, but do note that one of the latter girls mentioned has a Harvard's degree in Psychology. 

it is safe for me to conclude:

men talk about hot girls more than beautiful girls. 

the ones with big perky boobs, tight asses and lots of skin to share with the world. i sometimes wonder about the level of influence on how our generation of women dress; skimpy tight clothing are infamously blustering. more in-your-face cleavage everywhere. skirts are turning into thongs. shameless plug alert: i fall into that category too once in a while. of course, there is no problem with wanting to look and feel sexy. you think i don't like ah? however, the general concept of beauty in the eyes of both men and women has changed so much and truthfully, it is deeply upsetting. 

i remember when Lea Michele was just like any ordinary actress, until she bared her toned tummy and a bit of her chest in Glee's Britney/Brittany episode. STARTED LAH the whole 'wah that lea michele's actually hot' frenzie. mcb. WAS SHE NOT HOT BEFORE?

before prom, many knew me as the girl who wore boy jeans, comfy tshirts and sneakers. i got little attention from the oppositing gender; i even had some question why i was so manly and unfeminine. things changed after i infamously wore the insanely short Herve Ledger dress at prom. suddenly, that same person who once questioned my feminity called me.... wait for it... you guessed it, hot. 

dude,

here's my middle finger to you.

i am sick, literally SICK of the way so many boys view and talk about girls. it is demoralizing, degrading and completely disrespectful to speak of us women as supermarket groceries or easily retrieved items. if only they realize the impact of their behavior towards the idea of how women see themselves and how they think they should portray themselves. i seriously believe that if they stop paying so much attention to what is underneath the clothes, then so would the women. it is unfortunate that many women's confidence lie in the hands and brains of the shallow men that we have. unfortunate but painfully true. in short;

STOP OBJECTIFYING US WOMEN.

WE ARE NOT TOYS OR OBJECTS THAT CONSIST ONLY OF PHYSICAL ASSETS.

THANK YOU.  

Shadowland- Youth Group

because it's just wonderful.

after a long day of camaraderie and a butt-killing gym session with good friends,
i proceeded to dinner with more good friends.


i see the both of them hold hands and have their little conversations and private jokes that no one else gets. for some reason, i don't feel out of place. i was just a wallflower, observing nonchalantly in the background. it's like watching a silent movie, except that the main characters are my friends. instead of the usual feeling of envy and self-pity, it felt nice to be someone just witnessing life pass by. it was ingenuous happiness in its very own state.


why should we drown ourselves in the self-stirred sorrow of not being with somebody? is it a must to have someone by your side to be content? what about the time when you were on your own? you didn't need somebody then. what makes it a must now? easy for me to say definitely, since i had had someone special for such a long time in my life. but that makes no exception for the fact that we are the ones who define our desires and decide what gives us bliss.


i am not against relationships at all. oh no dear God, that's like saying i don't like caramel popcorn when i watch movies or something. no.


if you choose to make someone your every ounce of happiness, then it surely will be that way.
i for one, truly believe that in order to be really happy, we need to begin with ourselves. then only do we start looking for someone to be in the picture. the main purpose of relying on someone else for contentment is for us to feel happy, yes? so why not be happy on our own first?


By & By- Brett Dennen 

because my mom can be pretty amazing.

so it was one of those random conversations that i had with my mom in the car. i've been having alot of random conversations with my mom lately. not that i'm complaining. i actually adore it.


and she was talking bout how she was talking with a friend on discrimination.
and then her friend discriminated the guai lou, saying that they're so arrogant and what not, with their Jewishly high and pointy noses. and sharp chins. and less than often Super Ring Orange tan. okay so she didn't add all the physical details but yah


see the thing bout the discrimination is that, it doesn't have to occur within different races only. sure, the more serious forms of discrimination do usually involve those of different colours. i read on the KKK a few months back and had so much resentment grow inside of me, i was literally boiling. okay anyway....


i admit; i tend to discriminate my own race more than i discriminate other races. oh don't give me that i don't discriminate at all! i love evereebodee i IS 1 MALAYSIAAA~ you and i ,we all poke fun at the hasty generalizations of other Indians, Malays, Chinese and Banglas. but yes, i do disfavor people of my kind. not all the time, i just know i do. and at least i know i do. maybe it's because i feel like i don't have the right to show bias to Malays and Indians simply because i am not Malay or Indian(?)

it's like me saying Mcdonalds is not healthy when i eat KFC. 

omg which is actually a true fact :O

okay sorry for the constant relevance to food

discrimination stems from groups of similar backgrounds and cultures as well, NOT just through skin color. we are bigot to people whom we think are of lower standard than us, and same goes for the people who on the other hand, think we are lower standard than them. it's all a feisty game of class and position. and i find it more problematic than race discrimination because if we are so able and so unthoughtful as to judge people who traditionally hold the same grounds as us, it only opens up more wrong doors, i.e racial discrimination. so if people constantly make a big deal about how discrimination is such a problem and bring up 1Malaysia, they need to look inside first.


little details do count. especially in this case.



that was generally what my mother told me, in my words.
and just so you know, i am less judgemental now than i was before i shared this random, 5 minute conversation with my mother in the car. or at least i am trying/think i am.


Heavy In Your Arms- Florence + The Machine

because the dog days are over, soon.

i miss writing.
i miss having something provoke me so much, that it stays in my mind and tries hard not to leave. i remember being used to always having a pencil nearby, to jot a thought down. it was, if not always, overflowing.


my poor velvet diary.
how i have abandoned you.


i have adopted the habit of writing letters though. i always have something to tell a particular someone, and if you've gotten a letter from me, you'd know what i'm talking about.


truthfully, this has been a great, great year. not to mention how i have changed so much. even without listing it all down, in my head i have all these pictures of some of the most memorable moments i've had, ever. maybe this year, i didn't feel the need to have captions compliment those polaroid images in my mind. maybe a picture is worth more than a thousand words. cliche, but yes.


Dog Days Are Over- Glee Cast

if you were destined to be on a mission, an extremely life-risking one.. with no turning back,
would you, if you had the powers, erase yourself from the memories of the people whom you love and love you?

 Harry Potter got me from the start until the very end.
i regret not reading the thicker-than-Bible book because i'm pretty sure everything would've made more sense and had more meaning to me. if i did, i'm pretty sure i'd have cried when Dobby died.


i'm supposed to be revising my presentation which is due Monday but i am obviously, not in a right state of mind at the moment. damn you good movies and popcorn.

because i'm better safe than sorry.

wear your safety belt when you drive, seriously.
don't 'forget' to wear it thinking that it's cool or that you're gonna star/be starring in Too Fast Too Furious or whatever. yeah sure when you break your head you're gonna be famous ah (Y)

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i have SO MUCH to write and squee about my first ever prom that i attended a few days back with some of the greatest people on the planet <3. but due to current conditions, i feel the need to let out so much serious thoughts and opinions first. and plus, i'm still waiting for more photos to be uploaded.


so, like most proms,
with proms, come the after parties.
with after parties, come the alcohol.
with alcohol, comes the mess.
with mess, comes the drama.


there's a reason why i chose not to drink; because i see things like that coming. and trust me, they always come. i may not have gotten myself drunk before to speak from experience but i've heard from enough experience to know what and what not to do. i detest it so much, i really really do.


i am pissed that so many of us choose to go to alcohol to solve problems, or just to let the problems 'fade away' for a short while. with that, we stick to claiming that we're a better and wiser generation than the one before. seriously? also, everyone has problems. from the richest Hartamas kid to the one who helps his father at the char koay stall. you need to toughen. yourself. up. okay? don't expect life to be easy because it's not going to be. the world doesn't revolve around you and your Gossip Girl-made life. it is filled with simple happiness that you can get if you think it.

and oh, to those who get drunk because it's 'cool',

here's my middle finger.

Marvelous Things- Eisley 

because it is blissful.

started off my morning with a lovely honey drizzled waffle, juice and cookies.

then the night before, i had banana split ice-cream for dinner with Mei and her sister. 

i rarely ever get time off to enjoy subtle things like these because i'm always off to college really early and when i'm home, i get too tired to do anything and go all Ditto on Tumblr. speaking of, my life revolves around Tumblr now. sorry Facebook and Twitter. 

i know i have said this often and probably making people stick their fists down their throats just to pull out their guts at the clichéd, cheesy sound of this again but i truly love the friends i have made in college. they are, somewhat, the reason i don't mind staying up late for on dreadfully long days ( it takes A LOT for me to sacrifice precious sleep, in case you didn't know ). each of them, have and had always been there for me throughout my annoying i'm-fat times and serious i-loathe-what-i-see-in-the-mirror moments. AND THEY BUY ME FOOD HOMAIGOD, HOW CAN I NOT LOVE THEM, YOU TELL ME? and they have helped me through so much, i cannot even..... aaah. 

never knew i'd meet such a beautiful bunch of lads. 

i thank God for each one of you, everyday. <3

not forgetting the good ol' gang, whom i'll be seeing in T-34 hours to celebrate Deepavali with. 

it is blissful. 

Crazy- Katie Herzig

because it's all temptation, whether we realize it or not.

a lot of people seem to think it's weird/paranoiac for me to keep a food journal: meaning keep a list of everything that i've had in a day, from breakfast til' supper. i admit, i am not over my slight issues regarding weight but just to make it clear, the fact that i write them down doesn't mean that i don't eat/haven't been eating adequately; i STILL EAT LIKE THE REGULAR JUYI OKAY. tengah hari makan nasi lepas tu thosai with mutton curry for makan malam pls.

 i just like the idea of knowing and keeping track of what i put into my body. if you still find it weird, then hey i'm not the one who doesn't realize i eat Mcdonalds 4 times a week.

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so here's something to talk about.

don't we all have moments where we just can't stand people for the things that they say like 'oh i can't stand hypocrites' or 'people who procrastinate are bat-shit annoying' *these two examples are in reference to nobody* simply because we know that they are what they're saying?


just today i was telling a couple of friends how i disliked this person even more after making a public remark/statement about something, with completely no idea that the she was also in that circle of negative thought she was implementing! damn bangga tau that people were supporting her samo!


so i was like................

i want so bad sometimes, to go up to these people's faces, and go;

YEAH, YOU FORGOT YOU WERE TALKING BOUT YOURSELF TOO, STUPID.

but reality always strikes.

because before i attempt such 'brave' acts, i remember that in life, we all have a 'blind self'; an area of ourselves in which we don't see but others see. annoying habits and traits like spraying saliva a little too much when talking or being a little too bossy. i know i have several negative traits in particular, that people see that i don't. 

the normality of only looking at people's less beautiful sides is such an immoral yet accepted and generalized idea amongst us. with a cup of tea in hand, here's to changing and improving on that. here's to trying to be Mr Bright Side day by day. for as long as we remind ourselves, choosing better over bitter can never be too hard.

Baby Baby Baby- Make The Girl Dance

there's something about nude women that intrigues me.
slender/thin, nude women.

the way their collar bones and ribs reflect so well against light, the sharpness of its edges, the clean simplicity of their skin. beautiful.


and no i didn't mean that in a lesbian way.
even if i did, what's your problem?

i wore purple today.

5/01/08

i was on the way to Suria Jaya to collect my trophy for getting all As for PMR.
i asked if you would come with me, since it was a pretty significant moment for me.
and you said no.
thats what you always said; no.


i walked out of the door, tears streaming in the back of my eyes.
why were you so selfish? why did you not care?


later that night, you texted me.
and i flicked it off.
it read;

'my dear princess, i will always be proud of you. you should also always be proud of yourself, okay dear? love, daddy.'

who knew that that would be the last thing you say to me.
and who knew that that would've been the last moment we shared together. bitter as it is.

today well more like yesterday i also got my prom gown, heels and a new bag + bonding with my mamah.

i'm telling you, i really did love today.

1:11 a.m, on 10/10/10
just got home from hanging out with my lovely bunch of mates <3


i've been so uptight ever since i became a college student. always doing my homework, reminding people to do their homework and being attentive in every class. today, i forgotabout my obligations for a little while and just laughed out to my heart's content, ate great food and sang out loud to Justin Bieber songs in the car. i felt free, like a new born child who was captivated by the world and it's beauty once more.


i loved today.
i really did.

because we all leave, eventually.

there she stood.


a few steps away from me, all ready in her baju kurung uniform, supporting an overloaded Swan school bag on her little shoulders. there i was, a few steps away from her. it was a fresh 7 in the morning. i looked at her and she looked back. i flashed her a grin.


Sri Rampai was still asleep; only birds and everyday workers were up and steadily chasing what they always chase. the moon was still opaque and visible in the empty blue sky. i took a deep breathe and closed my eyes. car by car drove swiftly pass the both of us and we have not left. i assume she had been waiting longer than i was, since she was starting to look indolent. there we stood and waited for another fifteen minutes. doesn't school start at 7? isn't she going to be late for school?


in the morning bliss, we waited and maintained our patience. we were alone and on our own, but together in that small radius. in a way, we didn't know each other but in a way, we did. two girls just waiting for our ride to our daily routine. it's nice to have some sort of companion nearby, doing the same thing you are, eventhough you don't know that person at all. i wonder how many times she had waited alone before this because it was my first time following Jeremy to college.

then one of us left. 

and the other just stared as she went away. 

at that coincidentally right time and coincidentally right place, we meet people of whom i'd like to call soulmates. these are the special people who bring about some sort of change in your life, be it in a good or bad way. you may have known each other only for a day or two but in your minds, it seems like it has been years down the road. and for that period of time, the world feels less like a stranger to you.


but thats the thing about soulmates; many of them leave as the clock ticks by. sure, we cry when the people we love suddenly decide to leave us, wipe our memories off the brain board and pretend that the bond and friendship that was shared had never existed. we suffer in our own exuberant pain that no one else feels. we question God's harshness and wonder how can someone forget you when you never did. we always do. but there's one thing that few of us don't notice. we too, without realizing, leave the people who love us behind.


it's always easy to remember what people have done to us.
the miscommunicated errors and unfortunate mistakes.


but how often do we look at ourselves in the mirror, instead of staring at our petty scars, focus instead on the few people we have left behind the road? the girl who talks too much to you because she had no one else to talk to, the ice-cream man whom you used to buy from every week, the person who always sat next to you on the bus.


we are so overcome by the impact that is left when our loved ones walk away,
that in that lonesome pain, we selfishly yet unknowingly walk away from the people who love us.


Smother Me- The Used

because it's not just one note.

so AS WE ALL KNOW..........

my favourite show in the world is back. 

those who jizzed all over from watching the Britney episode, raise your hands.

i mean. SE-RIOUS-LY.

not that i was a mad Britbrit fan, i DID watch all her music videos when i was younger. watching it all come to life in the form of Heather my-future-wife Morris just made me jaw drop, literally. i was friggin munching chips and actually stopped because i was too in awe of the power behind Brittany S. Pierce. 

thats right; Heather Morris with a snake/in red spandex , dancing + singing to I'm A Slave 4 U made me stop eating not in a bad way

see, my sole reason of watching Glee is not just Kevin Husband Mchale or its stupid punchlines. it's because Ryan Murphy would let someone who has no singing experience, a dancer, take full spotlight of one entire episode on her own. what do you know; 13.3 million views. 

let me just say that i am so happy for her to have achieved such high status on her own as a dancer. dancers never get the spotlight all to their own, they NEVER do. the everyday common audience rarely value the effort made by the people who dance their hearts out in the background, simply to make the 'star' look better. i hope from the 13 million who tuned in, at least a few thousand of that group got inspired by dance and to dance. and also, SYTYCD; shame on you for letting her go in Season 2. 

i may not be a professional dancer like she is, but i can certainly imagine how much on Cloud 9 she is, having being a trending topic worldwide on Twitter, dance as Britney Spears and have people now recognize her face, name and talent. all this from just being a person who wanted to do what she wanted to do; be a dancer.

Heather Morris i love you <3

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i may have gotten the nickname Crazy Girl Who Runs Everyday in my neighbourhood.

no srsly i can feel them whispering as i jog pass them. PSHHH

i don't just run to keep fit or give a shot at losing weight ( epic fail this one ). when i go running, it feels like a whole new world to me. just to start running itself, i need my mentality to push me to do it. you think it's easy to force yourself to go sweat bricks despite having an already long day? well it's not, but i do it because at the end of the day it makes me happy and satisfied. the idea of striving to achieve makes me content because it trains my discipline as a person. 

running everyday is like my escape from the juggling of college, people and all the other personal things in life that irritate. for just that hour, i get to run from my problems and let the evening wind take them away from my mind. i get to let my problems sift in the big whispy clouds as i fall in love with the orange sunset over and over, no worries whatsoever. 

i run laps around this little circle in my neighbourhood. and i get to see young working mothers come home to their waiting kids. i see the old couple who sits together on the bench in the field, falling in love with the sunset just as i do. there was once this little girl who opened her gate as i was walking pass by with the dog, her dad protectively watching from behind. she said hi and we exchanged simple smiles. i asked her if she wanted to pat my non-harmful dog. moments like these give me such drive and inspiration. and all i have to do is run. 

for all these,

i guess i don't mind being Crazy Girl Who Runs Everyday.

Empire State of Mind- Glee

'thanks dear, you are very astute.'

astute i am. 

because it's not weird, it's just different

three times in two days.


i had so many more questions but there wasn't enough time. i wanted to know so much more. it was like i was starving for some form of inspiration that would come in the form of words. then again, i always do. for what reason? none perhaps. i guess i'm just your type of person who enjoys seeing and conversing with multiple personalities and characters. in my very humble opinion, people who are different from us should never be shunned.


it's always easier to stay within your dotted comfort zone line with the people you lepak with all the time. i won't lie, i enjoy it too and sometimes use that zone as a protection boundary from people that are socially dubbed 'weird' or 'too damn gay to function', which is very selfish and immature of me to firstly, believe the assumptions made towards these eccentric people and secondly; why should it matter?


why is it wrong to not be like everyone else?
why do we have to have this belief that everyone should be of one type?

i wish people saw what i saw in this man. the intelligence and the intellect with a contrasting side of mess and simpleness. sadly, all people see and talk about is his weaknesses and they let that overpower all the good sides of him. it's like a hunting game to find and count how many imperfections one person has, without consciously even realizing it. fuck human nature.


my next questions would be the books that he reads.


Weight Of Lies- The Avett Brothers

what is your favourite day of the week?

SPM English Choice Essay Question 2009.
rethink, remember, rewrite.

dear God,

i know i shouldn't have done anything to my beautiful class schedule. 

i should've just left it the way it was and not fiddle around with it, expecting better.

i ask that You forgive me for being selfish and unappreciative.

despite having been upset about the entire mess since this evening,
i realized today that there are more important things to life like hugging my dog and calming her shivers down when a few fireworks exploded too loudly, shaking her to her core.


and no i don't care that i smell like wet carpet now.

Black Swan- Thom Yorke

because it's something i need now

currently writing and rewriting essays from my time back in high school.


i managed to save some of the stuff that i wrote during those ol' times when i was alot more emotional than now. college has pushed and made me a bitch when it comes to handling people and work. either way, i'm still happy with myself despite the changes in my character. what i'm not currently happy with is my schedule and that i may have to reshuffle it, and the fact that i cannot be in my favourite lecturer's class despite how hard i try. 

BOOO MY LIFE SUCKS FMLFMLFMLFML! 

anyways, here's a snippet of an old essay;

'At that very second, everyone just fell into pits of silence as they stared at the passenger door. My grandmother struggles to come out from the back seat and I rushed to her assistance. Her face was the saddest I had ever seen. Every frown and wrinkle was in place, just deeper and coarser. Tears were dripping down her freckled cheeks and her face was a pale blue.'

wah,
i was so emo and jiwang back then man -.-


I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab For Cutie

currently chewing on a piece of roast lamb that was tapau-ed from a family friend's dinner, and mucking over alot of things that i want but don't get in life.


1) my hips. i am looking at them, plump and too large on the chair i sit on; in disgust. the same way i look at it a few hours ago in my jeans in the mirror in disgust, the same way i look at it naked everyday in the mirror in disgust. i have body issues shut up. in my aunt's own words two days back;

'wah JuYi you fat already lo. but looking at the way you eat i'm not surprised'

looks like the food gods have took decided to happily emancipate me off my high metabolism i like to believe i used to once have.

2) money.
this one a bit predictable lah. i know everyone in the world wants money. but i know also of people who are blessed to be born with silver spoons in their mouth all the way until their 20s. and these happy pocket-filled people get to do EVERYTHING. things that i don't get to do like shop until i literally drop because of excessive plastic bags, eat at fancy schmancy restaurants, and travel. okay, travel.


2.5)TRAVEL.
i've recently had this urge of wanting to travel. to explore places in the world that are known or not known. to just be encapsulated by beauty in its most raw and untouched state. the feeling of walking in a street of people who speak a total different language from you, and you just stay dumbfounded and excited at the same time. i am in complete envy of the people who will be furthering or even starting their college overseas, because i can't. i can only hope for loans or a scholarship. for this reason, i blame Tumblr and Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love for influencing me.


because i don't have money, or come from a rich family, i am constantly worrying about money. i don't get to spend when i want to because the change in my wallet is the change that will have to last me for the rest of the week. i have an amazingly stable and hardworking single mother who works her crazy ass off to provide food for my college-going brother, spm-soon sister and i., and that enough keeps me money-weary. and i am constantly under pressure to do the best i can in my studies because i need a scholarship of some sort to continue to my degree.


so yes,
i am in envy.
in envy of all the people i know who are so lucky, and so blessed to have been born into families that can provide just what is needed, yet do not see it and complain about the stupidest things in life like petty relationship issues, difficult subjects ( that are not even difficult to begin with ) and so on. those who don't even see education as primary importance because they don't have to.


i am jealous.
i am pathetically envious.
yes i am.

Charlie Darwin- The Low Anthem

coz I'M STILL GOING

i am not missing this

for the world

we all know that i'm not a band sort of person.
i slide more to the contemp, alternative side.
but they are one of the ONLY bands that i listen to.

i may not be as big a fan of you, but i still am.

AND I AM GOING YO

oh, did i tell you that its in the middle of 2nd sem's midterms?

who else is going?

Tables and Chairs- Andrew Bird

and then i just had two slices of sinfully delicious chocolate and chunky peanut butter covered pancakes

FAIL LAH

because i can't do this

i practice a balanced lifestyle.

i eat three proper meals a day and i never miss them. i try to exercise everyday, run a minimum 3 times a week. i can't run long enough to burn 200,000 calories but at least i try. i sleep early, minimum 6 hours daily or occasionally. i try to not get too worked up or stressed for long periods. see, i value the importance of health. because i know the consequences of being on the other side. hell, i've been on the other side. to be hospitalized and have a doctor be stunned that someone at the age of sixteen developed a disease that obese people in their 40s get. i know how it all feels like.


hence, my leafy turnover.
but there's this problem.


i cannot stop. eating. all these things that are not good for me. you know, those thingy majingies at the top of the food pyramid? the ones that are kept behind pretty glass counters telling you to BUY ME EAT ME! i eat them everyday. and i mean. every. day. chips. icecream. cookies. cake. cupcakes. iced cupcakes. chocolate. caramel filled chocolate. melted chocolate. chocolate icecream. sundaes. fries. i eat them everyday. in between meals, before meals, during my meals... straight to the point, i crave all this shit.


what worries me is its effect on my body. all of you can say sweet things that are annoyingly ear pleasing like 'but ohhhh your body burns it faaaaaaast' and 'you're still so sliiiiiiiiim' but for how long? i'm eighteen, and i have building cellulite on my legs. the type that by the time i reach 40, it'd be like the ugly version of the Michellin baby's legs.

oh yeah, in case you can't tell,

i'm also very body conscious.

i've reached the panic mode where i'm now thinking of when i grow older and if this binging habit doesn't stop. i don't want, to be looking at myself in the mirror, and crying at what i see. i'm scared. i want to love my body for how it looks but if i already absolutely hate it for how i'm making it look now, what would i do to myself in a decade's time?


i appreciate what God has blessed me with. i really do.
but i'm abusing it like an unthoughtful owner. 
i cannot do this. and i need to figure out how to stop this.


Lighthouse- The Hush Sound

dream within a dream part 2

so i watched Inception again yesterday with mamah
still as blown away, no longer as confused ROFL


actually no, confused is the wrong word. i was more... fascinated? encapsulated? boggled? truly, the idea of the entire movie just sparks more and more ideas regarding dreams, subconsciousness, the human brain and its ability. Christopher Nolan you ARE GENIUS. to be able to go that far in terms of thinking so creatively and unexpectedly, and to produce one of the most notable movies of all time. i clap and joget joget for you.


you know WHAT got me thoroughly pissed off?
Cobb bringing Mal wherever he goes in his dreams. shooting shooting, there she is. earthquake, there she is. ya ya when you go to the toilet and berak bring her there also lah k. your children i excuse because you couldn't see their faces.


but if there were only such thing though, in real life; being able to lock memories away and visit them when you want to and when you need to. i wonder if i would do that. to preserve the memories and moments i've had with the people i've lost, and go back to that one two moments in time for the pure addictive heck of it.

the truth comes out of the bag when you mess up between your reality and your dreams.

and that truly, truly terrified me to no end.

all of us have lost people we love, haven't we?

i know many have lost mothers, and dads, like i did. can't help it when we rethink the times of laughter and joy that were shared, to feel it all over again. but we can't, because those are just memories, memories that can't be felt and can't be touched. just.. memories. however, if.... you were given the chance and ability to store those memories as real trinkets in glass bottles, and unleash them ala genie in the bottle whenever you want to, would you? just the idea of revisiting and re-feeling all those now distant times?

i would. i really really would.

i'd give anything to hug my father again, and tell him i love him over and over again. and that i would've changed the outcome of it if i could, over and over again. to hold his hand and let him know that i'm sorry for what has happened. even to just see him; his face, that would be an entire heaven on its own.

but then i won't. 

because his absence is what makes me today. because the genuine quality of those moments would deteriorate if they were to be that easily attainable. i know i often, dramatically pontificate the idea of a rollercoaster as life but yes. its like riding a roller coaster and only wanting to sit through the fast sloops and exciting spins. yeah sure, FUN with a capital F, but how long would it take for you to sit through those thrilling parts until they don't mean anything to you anymore? or even, how are you going to move on with life when you willingly allow old stories be a part of your new one? 

soon you begin to see them everywhere; when you wake up, when you're leaving the house, when you're in school or when you're working. it was SO. PAINFUL for me to watch Cobb subconsciously allow these distractions into his life i just felt like jumping at the big screen and shaking him up but no need thanks to ellen page and her great acting

memories are memories for a reason.

all we can do is that when we do dream about them, we treasure it, and let it go. and then we walk. 

i mean... not like you can keep them the way Inception showed right.

Collide ( Acoustic )- Howie Day

because that is a real man

"Here’s the thing you gotta understand about Lynette. 

 She grew up without her dad. 

Her mom was a drinker. 

So she had to be responsible for everyone. 

It left her with this constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart.

And that’s why she needs to control everything. 

Of course, she can’t. Nobody can. But… She can control me… If I let her. 

So I do. Because it makes her feel safe. 

And that is my job, as her husband… to make her feel safe.”

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would you be daring enough to stand up for something that no one else stands up for?
to walk the hard narrow path, that few people choose?


in a snap of a finger, we'd all say yes; i dare stand up. the question is how far would you go in letting your faith and belief be tested? would it change once your life is put on the line? us humans; we're all afraid to die. some, because of not knowing where is the next place to be after death. just like you, i believe in a heaven, a place that is good and peaceful and truthful. maybe you don't believe in heaven, but that's somewhat the image of your longed afterlife residence, isn't it?


our lives are filled with challenges, and tests and troubles.
but God just could be our biggest challenge of them all.

a real man is ready to live only when he is ready to die.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

whats new?

first three months of college; dzown. 
i'm currently at HELP working on getting ma degree in psychology. :) i know i've once said i'd most definitely be venturing into journalism but under circumstances, willing and unwilling, i'm going for pscyh instead. the people here are amazing. i've made a bunchful of great, great friends and many lecturers of those i respect are beyond qualified in doing what they do. i'm glad i made the right decision on choosing to go to this underground, never-knowing-whether-its-tsunami-or-sunshine, occasionally-without-aircond college.

the people i hang with;
are sometimes, too much to handle. they actually wear me out, i'm not kidding. to be fairly honest, i'm a very normal girl with outbursting thoughts, thats all. mediocre personality, okay face, just-right brain. i think. but YES, can i please introduce to you the people that i talk to in college? kthnx.

1) Jayanthi Jane Palani

she asks to be called Jane coz she thinks she's some mat salleh. obsessed with good looking men, hence, she is sexist towards the UNgood looking men. makes noises go figure when she spots good looking men. curses alot. le organizer of half of my life. my english partner. my mamah. my best friend. insanity level: 70/100

2) Mimie

George Craig lovers. Tokio Hotel freak. does Addmath when she's bored. borrowed The Lovely Bones from her two months ago but barely read it. rockstar. no seriously, she's a rockstar. i know many of you will love her coz she listens to the awesomest set of music; from The White Stripes to We Are The Kings, she rocks it like that. my nomnom partner. my best friend. insanity level: 80/100

3) Mira 

so girl next door kan? pendiam from outside. you just have to turn on the music, and she'll joget joget for you. not simple joget joget know, the clubbing goncang-goncang type of joget joget. jokes too. and DOES SHE NOT HAVE THE NICEST EYEBROWS IN THE WORLD OMG. my dance partner. my best friend. insanity level: 50/100


these three

are also the first three people i got to know in college <3

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the boyz;

Ashiee and Justin <3

insanity level(s): 250/100 and 100/100

i cannot even begin to describe these two, SRSLY. comparing them to monkeys or wild cows is not even enough. satu cakap non stop, satu jerit kuat macam badak apetah semcm. dua dua very bising lah, in general. one recently spazzed over a pair of blue converse, one spazzes over everything. was not in the same semester with them for the first three months but unfortunately will be for the 2nd sem. despite all the unneeded noise, they get all my love coz they're actually very awesome and are almost always there for me. my Biebers, my best friends. <3 

there are many others really but i malas nak upload. ok yah.

i've been eating alot.

i know you're not surprised but still. i've been munching down cupcakes, chips, cakes, deep fried crap, sugary refined crap and what not. everyday i eat something sweet i'm not even kidding. i'll show you my E-Fat Food Journal:

09th Aug, Mon: buttered waffle, Twisties Crispies

10th Aug, Tues: big bowl of icecream, cheesed rice, KitKat bar

11th Aug, Wed: cream pasta, two cupcakes while watching Inception, KitKat bar

12th Aug, Thurs: fried bun, fried chicken for dinner, Oreos,

13th Aug, Friday: cream pasta, two slices of chocolate cake

14th Aug, today: cupcake with icing, sugar doughnut

15th Aug, tomorrow: i'm thinking more Twisties Crispies, and heavy dinner with cousins

ok yah. 

i need to get my writing mojo back.

i'm on the lookout for things to write about. or actually, i can always flick through my diary's pages from the last six months what, you think i stopped writing completely?.  with all my happy moments and blessings, comes all the sadness, heartache and tears before and after them. i've been maintaining a happy-go-lucky spirit, or at least i try. i do however think i'm much happier now than how i was last year and i credit this to God and my friends who keep me up and about.

so yes, inspiration.

i'll just loiter around and see what tickles my writing fancy. 

Mosh- Eminem

dream within a dream

so i just finished rambling about the epicness of Inception to my mom just now.
yes i just watched it. and no my mom has not watched it. 

okay, let me just say..........

that it is genuinely one of the most interesting, encapsulating, vividly scary yet exciting movies. ever made. three hundred percent. i have so much to say about this bloody movie i can't even.... UGHHH.

before i even watched it, i didn't have the urge to because 1)i am not a fan of Leonardo Dicaprio  2)at all and i don't know why so  3)my interest level was about 2/10 and 4)i didn't get the trailer. seriously, only God can get the trailer.


reasons for ultra super thumbs up:

  
1)story line.

 TAK FAHAM

dream within a dream within another dream, installing an idea into The Mark's mind and ensuring that the idea is independently produced by The Mark, figuring out the difference between subconsciousness and reality, not figuring out the difference between subconciousness and reality.. you get the whole kick. pun intended.

WARNING: people who don't have high IQ seriously cannot watch this movie. i can just imagine the number of people who, at the end of the movie, cursed and had the O.o face. i would know, i was cursing. thank you Christopher Nolan for making me constantly rethink of the concept you created although i watched it 9 hours ago.


2)visual imagery & sound effects.

the entire movie was completely, visually delicious. if Inception were ever to come true in our future lives, i would really want to be a Dream Architect. because it is actually logic ( infrastructure of a dream appearing unlogic/paradoxical like upward/downward stairways, unlogical placement of things ) and i have actually had a few dreams like that before. and thank you, Hans Zimmer for the music. also, the placement of sound effects scared the bajeezers out of me. so so well done.

3)cast.

especially Ken Watanabe, Marion Cotillard, and Ellen Page. proves you don't need big shots to make a movie big. *cough*Valentine's Day*cough* i am still not a fan of Dicaprio.


4)JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

nuff sed

5)ending.

WAHLAO THE ENDING. JUST WAHLAO.

get back, click-clack, BLAOW

wowza. certainly haven't seen the blogspot post bar for a long while.
i don't even remember how to use certain functions. i kidz you not.

its 12:40a.m., am exhausted from a long day which started off at 5 and reaching home at three hours ago. without caffeine; because i am my own wonderwoman that way. NGIAH AH. but yes, my first college semester is ovah. OVAH! just two weeks to the next semester and i'mma cherish this itsy bitsy bit of freedom before i go back and die! aaaaaaaaaah sqwrtysasdfghjkl


........................
but seriously though,

i really have been missing, haven't i? from writing on a day to day basis, to not writing anymore for half a year. the start of it was torture, i won't lie. i've always been somewhat, interconnected with my online page that i write almost everything into. but i just wanted to get away from the routine of it all, step out, and experience things without having to think of effects. causes. results. expectations.

well its been 8 months.

and i finally feel the need to write again.

Love The Way You Lie- Eminem ft Rihanna