because i am and i am not.

i'd been feeling rather inadequate lately, with the string of events that have happened in the past day or two. mainly from self-built expectations when the expectation itself shouldn'tve even existed in the first place. how do we stop ourselves from feeling things we are not supposed to feel? i am an adamant supporter of the whole 'you are in control of how you feel' mantra, but what happens when no matter how much you try, you feel it anyway?


how do you convince yourself that your idea of what could happen or want to happen simply won't happen because of all the logic explanations that lie before your own eyes?


we as humans are always more drawn to the things we can't have, the things we can't brand 'ours'. just why is that? why do we incline to this unbearable suffering we place upon ourselves? in simpler terms; why do complicate our own lives so damn much la? ada rumah, ada tempat tidur, ada makan, naaaaak jugak sedih. cis bedebahan


this makes me not get how people can see me as a social butterfly or bubbly optimist. surely, i portray myself that way because i'm not comfortable with people seeing me in my weakest state, which is when i am shaking and in tears and hoping to recover from such pitless void. is it good, though? that people have the image that i am someone who is exuberantly positive and energetic and chirpy? when i know that deep down, it is just one of my many personas that i shift in between. like an animal, changing shapes just to hide my face.


i know i will get over this. i know this too will pass, the way all the past butterflies had ceased to live for longer than it should. i refuse to dwell into any form of introspection, questioning why is it that i'm more fickle than changing winds of the day. because the last time i remembered, when i started looking into myself for answers, the turn out wasn't very good.


time to take a shower from my long day of work, calm down with a cup of tea, and get started on that bloody assignment which is due in two days.

because people will always have something to say.

 

'those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter' 
- someone famous whom i don't know and i don't feel like writing his name so ok 


evidently, it just says that people who matter to you and know that they matter to you won't mind. and those who do mind, on the other hand, shouldn't matter. in less complication, our minds shouldn't be so fixated on what people have to say, especially when these people have no power over us.


but it's so difficult sometimes, isn't it?


and i guess it mainly applies to people like myself who take into account what people have to say, even if they don't say it to our faces. stubbornness, i'd say. the undying adamancy of wanting to know, sometimes too much. who do we have to blame but our own delicate minds for being so fragile, so permeable to unnecessary negativity?


because really, who can live a steady, generally happy life if he or she were to be constantly analyzing the opinions of others? the only opinion(s) that should matter are that of your own and God's. it has to be a daily reminder that people will always have things to say. and they're usually unpleasant things as well because human beings are a big pile of suck in general.


people will always have things to say.
but at the end of the day,
those who matter don't mind, and those mind don't matter.

because it's a different kind of sick.

sneezing twelve times in a minute. what's up with that bro 

i'd been keeping busy extremely busy, in fact! with part time work. maybe that's just how i like it. being so busy that my brain has no time to overthink too many things that shouldn't be overthought. then again, when is overthinking ever beneficial, really?


guess work is taking a toll on my body, physically.
not that i'm complaining.



in fact, i am now at the state which is of polar opposite of complaining. what's the word for it; appreciating? loving? too many good feelings that i haven't felt in a long time. some unexpected ones as well.


Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg

i wish that someone would come into your life and make you believe again.