because i'll be exactly what you think me to be.

you know what sucks? when people expect the worst of you. and they wait, they just wait quietly and patiently for the opportunity to complete their self-fulfilling prophecy. and when there comes a spark, everything is blown out of proportion. suddenly, there are sides. someone who is innocent, someone who is corrupt. someone who is smaller, someone who is bigger and evidently, the bully. someone who gets thrown around, and someone who throws that person around. all of a sudden, there are shifts. things change. real colors and intentions are shown.


well guess what.

because globular clusters are wondrous.

i just think it's wonderful when two mutual friends can conjoin.


when people have such distinctly specific personalities and traits, and sometimes all too similar: you tend to fear that these two people won't somehow, connect. well, at least i do. i realize i have this intense fear of awkward tension between two people who don't know each other but have a mutual friend and then are thrust to meet each other. i personally have no problems with that sort of social discomfort, maybe because i get really comfortable with people and like making people feel comfortable. but not all people are like myself, and i think that's wonderful. when people are their true genuine selves, so much, that they stand so separate and unambiguous and beautiful.


but when two friends of a friend collide in unison,
i think there is a little bit of magic that happens.


because these two people, after their first few conversations or face-to-face meetings, realize that they're not all too different after all. because they share similarities in thoughts and ideas with that friend that connected them in the first place, they are bound to find an air of affinity, a platform of unintentional coincidences.


what is more beautiful, is when these two mutual friends begin to develop their own bond, forming their own bridge. when they no longer have to cross the middle friend to connect to the other side. when they have their own tie to each other, separate off the middle friend. because bridges and honest friendships are both hard to find and build these days. and it's not like the initial bridge or ship is no longer used or boarded anyway, it just means that there is more than one way. a different way. and i like different.

i'm very grateful to have many friends collide into each other like how gravitational stars bind to each other to form globular clusters. the world that they somehow form together just exudes such an extraordinary and incandescent array of lights, and just knowing that there exists a separate, interconnecting world of selves is wondrous.


it's magic.


Off To The Races- Lana del Rey 

because sometimes, love seems like such a terrible thing.

toxic. arduous. impetuous. 

why do we love? 

that seems like such an extreme question. then again, there would be nothing to question if there are no ultimatums, would there? lately, i've been seeing too much of the damage that can be done from simply loving. i'm sure we're all familiar, whether or not with personal experience, with the bittersweet essence in loving someone so hard and so passionately and so deeply, that you get blinded by it. you fall into the spider web of intricately designed words and promises, you get so deliriously tangled in the assurances and stipulations; you are so sure of it. that if heaven existed and perfection was possible, this was it. and for a moment: nothing else in the world mattered.

and why should it, right?

but what happens when the love once shared ceases to exist? 

you stay in that oblivion.
amaurotic towards the reality that the world once conceived together is now gone. broken. shattered; from your point of view, of course. you have to return to the cold hard concrete and learn to be alone again. that's if you could ever be alone before it all in the first place.

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what happens when someone we love dies?

i can raise my hand to share, surely. because i've experienced death at its finest and most raw state. i saw an empty body without a life, without a soul. regret fills in the black void like bitter water diffusing into the cold lungs. memories become more vivid and they replay in your mind over and over, like an old vinyl stuck on repeat.


but the deed is done.
it has happened.
what can you do?


what makes me sad on behalf of these two distinctively separate stories is the hunger for the past. you are desperate for things that once were, for that person's warmth to be enveloping your skin. forget diving back into their arms; a mere touch. just the sight of them would suffice. for them to be looking you for you again or looking in your eyes again. just to have another simple conversation or pointless dispute.


what makes me sadder is that death seems like the better option.
because when someone dies, there is absolutely no chance of them returning. 

all you can do is keep the regret inside, learn from it, and hopefully grow with it. 

the deed is done. it has happened.


but if the person is still alive, still existing and breathing;
you go on living with the agonizing fact that this person is walking on without you. and you can't go on. you can't bear the bitter truth. so you grip on tighter to the past, looking for signs and discreet chances to seep your way back in front of them, hoping to change their mind. you forget what it is like to have dignity, losing your decency and merit as a human being.


from the outside, we look in and we laugh.
how can someone be so foolish, so idiotic to not see things for the way they are?


but while we are on the outside, there will be other people looking at us from another outside. most likely criticizing and mocking our actions and thoughts as well. a glass cage within a glass cage within a glass cage. someone is always on the outside, looking at our imprisonment and laughing at us.


it's sad.


Set The Fire To The Third Bar- Snow Patrol