because sometimes, we gotta move on.

'if you don't like where you are, move on. you are not a tree.'

okay so the quote doesn't align with this tree because this tree is beautiful and who would wanna move on from this tree? but yah

i met up with a really really old friend today for coffee and it was great to meet someone whom has changed but stayed true to their core. because more often than not, people change and the designated roads that we choose are too far from each other, therefore we drift apart. it has been years since i'd seen this friend, let alone spoken to him; it didn't feel like i was meeting a stranger, it just really felt like i was meeting the same person again after a long time of our paths being far from each other. 

the thought that provoked me for today was how some people make unique choices in their lives and how those choices are purely due to their personal experience and their contentment. it's what fulfills them, what makes them happy, what makes them content. they're not just difficult choices, but also (in the sub-paraphrased words of Robert Frost) choices less taken, and more often frowned upon. and how these choices are not the easiest of choices, due to the way people would perceive it and how bonds of friendship can be tested. 

i just really respect people who make hard, less-made choices but they do it anyway because it's what makes them truly happy. because why should we care so much about what other people have to say if it fulfills us inside? still something i am learning with baby steps. 

in fact, it's something i am currently struggling with still. i can't figure out whether i should move on from certain things and certain people because it's not an easy choice. i am terrified of the idea of walking away from familiarity and comfort. hand in hand, i am also terrified of the idea of people walking away from me. that some people are slowly forgetting me. that, or in the comforting words of a good friend; 

"sometimes we are all so engrossed in our own lives & we assume people around us are too, that we fail to realize that our actions might make those around us feel unimportant."

maybe it's just that our designated roads are getting too far apart from each other and it's something i have to live with. and maybe it's just something i have to understand. that our closest ones also have to make difficult, less-taken choices because it's what makes them the happiest. 

because we've come a whole year.

my alarm hit 6:05a.m as usual. my usual routine would be waking up, immediately taking a shower, changing into the outfit i had mentally prepared for myself from the day before, prepare breakfast, and drive to work with ten minutes to spare for my 7:00a.m shift. but today didn't fall into a usual routine.

the weight of skin under my eyes were so heavy, 

sealing my eyes tight like glue. 

i decided that i would skip work. i was too tired, too weak, and most unfortunately, too sad. i had spent the night before in a cycle of overthinking and in an overwhelming time of tears. imagine it in the way Florence sings "i think i'm breaking down again", but less poignantly beautiful. i've had nights like that before but i've always been able to push myself to go to work. that's how i am and how i've always made myself to be; i am pusher and i don't give myself time when i fall. no time to wallow because i don't believe in wallowing. 

and yet here i am.

five hours later, eyes still swollen, typing on this keyboard that every once in a while, serves me justice in propagating my scrambled thoughts.

i've come to think of this year in a whole.

what it has done for me, what i have done with it, and how it has ultimately come to be in my own personal experience.

sadly pun unintended, as much as i try to inject this year with positivity and optimism,

i believe this year has been more of a down for me than an up. it is more evident when i am ending this year with a sad note and that most of the stronger memories i can remember this year are leaning more towards moments of sadness, most of it alone, some of it on the phone with certain people. it's simply something i cannot avoid. 

i suppose i am wallowing in how i need to come into terms with this.

that there will always be a part of me that is irreversibly broken, that there are some things in which i have predicted would happen that are unfortunately happening in this moment and i can do nothing but look at it like an unrelated bystander, that people come and go no matter how much you both love each other, that love can change in intensity and meaning, that life happens and you can just watch it go. 

Help Me Lose My Mind- Disclosure ft London Grammar

because depth is universal.

my mind keeps swirling back to this spur of conversation that happened yesterday as i had had dinner with friends and then K loosely speaks about how he feels as if people don't completely understand his emotional fluctuations and use his personality as an excuse. ohhh, but you're so this and that already, so you don't need to be an emotional wreck. almost as if the persona he sets for the world becomes a justification, therefore he is not entitled to feeling heavy weights and experiencing turmoils.


i have come to know K on my own terms in the past year and he's a swell friend, truly. and i've never underestimated his ability of feeling, so if anything, i never saw his hilarious personality as vindication for when he is experiencing ultimate emotional swings.


i remember feeling and saying how much i related,
because definitely, the persona i project in real life and in many situations is one who is 70% of the time happy, participating in conversation, looking on the bright side, finding things to laugh about. i like to portray myself as simple, and i'm pretty sure it's a success in most eyes. and i figured that a big part of me that has not changed since a child is my inability of speaking of things from the heart. i think i am much better at writing them down like now, obviously or just leaving them swimming in pools in my head. also, i only feel more like my serious boring self when i am with the friends and loved ones who have known me and seen me grow in the past couple of years. and sometimes, i don't know if that is a good thing. because once i get accustomed to people, i let them into the most quiet, bland corners of my black and white soul. and then i start wondering if they could ever misintepret that.


i suppose my mind is also constantly going back to specific moments in my past that perhaps was not directed at me but being the person i am, i tend to feel for things that weren't even meant for me. the things loved ones have said, how do we ever forget the bitter pains of when words are let out?


i keep on,
remembering.


all these things that were once said to me, whether or not intentional or unintentional. because if it manages to escape a person's mouth so easily, then it must mean that those thoughts have crossed their mind to a certain degree, doesn't it?


i don't like to dwell in my wallows because i don't like showing it. i don't like the idea that i am being a negative ball of energy when the world is already full of that. hence, my persona of simplicity. i hate to appear heavy weighted in real life because life is already too heavy, i think. so i hide it all or let it all go. just because i don't show my blue colours, doesn't mean i don't have any. just because i let things go easily, doesn't mean i don't take things heavily. and just because i don't talk about it that much, does not mean that i am too lighthearted to feel the unbearable weight of being.


what i have learned, in this continuous but broken fragments of thoughts, is to never assume a person's capacity of feeling just because we think we are our deepest wells. everyone has a deep well, whether or not they have thoroughly explored it.

because i miss it. i do.

'juyi and i used to dance together back a long time ago in HELP; she was one of the first few who started this thing you know, one of the firsts who started this club! you should do it again, juyi. why don't you dance anymore?'

because i got hit hard.

as some may have known and that's if there are people still reading this page, i was ultimately sick the past week. the can't-get-out-of-bed-because-the-world-feels-like-it's-spinning-thus-making-me-go-on-a-vomiting-spree kind of sick, which i really loathe because there was a point in time when i was much younger, or maybe not much younger, that i had been a hospital regular. i don't know what made me so prone to being sick then, and i still don't know what plagued me last week. whatever it was, i hated it. tremendously.


one thing that cliche'ly, changes me when i am down for a long period of time
is my level of appreciation towards people.


not to say that i'm an unappreciative one; i think with time, we lose grip on appreciation. it becomes such a norm, the act of appreciating, that as it slowly slips from our minds the way you would imagine a palm of sand gets slowly blown by the wind, we just forget. we get so comfortable with living, accommodating, climbing the slow but sure steps of woman and manhood, the more we have and the more we achieve in our ever-grandiose lives, the more we forget. we forget to appreciate the little things and the very little details that people mark in our life. because we get comfortable.


wow, that hospital stay really kicked me in the head, didn't it.


my point is, after and as i got better, i begun to see my family and friends in a... not to say bright light, i've always had my loved ones in a bright light, but a more so... different light. to illustrate, my mother is a mithali one; sending me to the hospital, staying with me there, ensuring i took my medication and going out of all odds to make sure i get on the road to recovery. my aunt had been cooking for me lots of hearty soups and taking me to other doctors as well to get second and third opinions. the friends that took the effort to check in on me as i might have worried some of them. and not to forget, the only one whose efforts and TLC i tend to butcher because i can nyeheheh, the lovely companion who also stayed with me in the hospital, took time to be with me because i got so emotionally intertwined with my biological downfall.


ironically, it took me a dreadful sickness to revive me.
i feel like i have been talking more since i found it tiring to talk when i was sick, i have took more opportunities to go out when i should and when i get to because fresh air outside beats the deceptively comfortable bedsheets of my often gloomy room, and last but not least, i have took more effort in being happy. and that in itself, as much as it might sound more cliche to believe, has helped me in my recovery in more ways than my medication has.


now i'm not going to begin a thesis-long post on happiness.
what i mean is that i have been feeling like happiness is not something that comes to you. it's something that you have to practice to be. the very effort of laughter. laughter doesn't come to you, no does it? there has to be something that needs to trigger you to laugh. a funny show, talking to friends, getting tickled... we need to practice being happy. because it's much easier to succumb to negativity, to give in to the devilish thoughts that we so often have in our crazy little heads. happiness is an effort. and i didn't have that when i was sick, thus throwing me into a momentary depressive state. i think it's too easy to succumb to negativity when your body has given up on you. so what complains do we have with our healthy and perfect bodies to be unhappy? that, to me, is unappreciative. unappreciative of the simple things in life, like being healthy.


today, i went to visit an aunt in the hospital. she was one of the aunts who generously homed me during my two month travel holiday in the UK and today, she's back in KL because she caught a stroke. this woman whom i got to know two years ago was a vibrant, bouncy middle-aged lady. she was energetic, vivacious, colourful and lively. being with her was like being with a lightbulb, she just lights up your day because she definitely lit up mine many times then. today, it broke my heart as i saw her lying on the bed, half-body paralyzed from the stroke that hit her, barely able to speak, barely able to move, barely able to shift her eyes. she needed to be fed, wear diapers, and needed help if she wanted to move.


i had to suck in the tears that welled up in my eyes.
she made an effort to smile as she saw me, and that simultaneously killed me and warmed me inside. and i spent most of the time holding her hand, singing to some really cheesy 80s songs on the little radio next to her bed and talking about random little things before i kissed her on both cheeks goodbye.

'it's depressing, isn't it?' - my mother said to me.

it was. it really was. 

i couldn't think of anything harder in life than still maintaining the spirit to live, when your body has ultimately failed you. it's like being trapped in a body you can no longer control, a body that has loss its functional state. you are alive, but at the same time, you are not. even after studying Sociology of Aging last semester, reading through all the definitions and facts about old people did not hit me as hard as seeing a dear loved one lying in a hospital bed. this was life, a life that happens to many of us and will happen to many of us as we go on 40, 50 years down the road. this was, a very sad fact of life.

how does one still find the effort to be happy? 

it boggles me.

it still does. 

because i've been feeling kinda forgotten.

'you can't make somebody love you.'

this has been an ongoing theme in my life i think, the whole feeling-left-out-and-forgotten thing. as mentioned by one of my best friends, C, i think there comes a point in time where we all kind of feel out of the circle, like the person from the outside staring at the inside. why do we feel that, i wonder? is it really the painful truth that the people you care for and love have really started to minimize you from their lives, or that you have begun analyzing things too negatively, thus taking in only the bad and forgetting about the good?


sigh,
the painful affliction of feelings and thoughts.


i'm trying to see things from a very rational point of view: why i feel this way, what has actually come in the way, the distance, the difference in schedules... pretty much breaking it down relationship-style. because who says only romantic relationships need effort? i think friendships need effort and TLC as well, just as much as a BGR.


i shared this heartache with one of my good friends a while back. and the thing with me that i have just recently discovered this year is that i have difficulty verbalizing my thoughts and feelings well. especially if these thoughts and feelings hurt on a much deeper level than usual heartaches. so much, that the words feel like they need to be ripped out from the back of my throat as i stutter, panic and completely lose my state of equilibrium. i mean, yeah, i usually respond alot in class and i have alot to say most of the time when it comes to Q&A sessions but i definitely believe that i write out my thoughts better than when i say them. i wish people understood that part more of me, instead of mistaking my silence for nothingness. because i feel like as time goes, i begin to develop more of my introversion, and i begin to internalize more thoughts. and by internalizing more, i begin to contribute less in a conversation. and that is one of my biggest fears, i think: that the closest people in my life start experiencing that quiet, more monotonous side of me and perhaps start wondering where the loud, vivacious, occasionally like-minded person has went. that that was a great part of me that they loved and now that the other side comes gushing out, they don't quite know what to make of it. and sincerely, i have been feeling that from many of the people that i love. and i myself, don't quite know what to make of it.


from a relationship perspective, i do feel like i'm putting too much blame on myself by thinking that i haven't been doing enough, that i haven't been giving it more time, that i haven't this and i haven't that. when pretty much, any sort of relationship is a two way effort. so whether or not i have or haven't been contributing on my part, if i am [insertMalayidiom] tepuk sebelah tangan [endMalayidiom], it's pretty much pointless, innit?

you can't make somebody love you. 

and to be frank, that really really sucks. 

over a cup of coffee on a windy Sunday, a conversation that i recall having with another great friend who goes by the name YiEn, i remember her saying how she loves being the outsider. that she enjoys observing whatsoever going on, eventhough she isn't part of the activity. 'why do you feel sad to be left out? i feel great when i am left alone!' 

while heaving over a recovering food poisoning and a blocked nose,

i surrender myself into complete and utter exhaustion.

physically, mentally and emotionally. 

because i'm still, kind of stuck i think.

i've been feeling like most people around me have found their calling. whatever direction they had been meticulously planning for their life or contemplating about, people seem to be following it pretty precisely. or wisely. or both altogether. that, or they've completely AWOL-ed it and gone the opposite direction and do their thing. it's like people have found their thing, you know.


and i'm just here,
still figuring out what my thing is.

because somebody loves me.

"Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them."

i saw love in its simplest essence today as i stared at you talking about something so deeply over my cup of coffee and your bottle of juice in the quiet little cafe where we laughed about stupid things and talked about all things as i felt like nothing else in the world mattered when all our guards are dropped and i start to think less about myself and what i want and start to think more about you in the same selfless way you think about me.

truly, i can never reciprocate what i am given.

how does one replicate such selfless love like yours?

therefore, i can only accept the bountiful love that i receive,

and love you in return, 

in the very ways that i can.  

in the eyes of people, it would seem that you were the one with a cold heart but in all truth, you radiated warmth into my bruised soul and warmed up corners of my wretched heart, the same way the 7:00a.m sun awakens freshly still skin. undefined with words alone, just something that i can only leave as a mark deep within me, a beautiful and tender mark that glows and propagates currents of electricity within me.


love is easier when you start to accept instead of expect.

Favourite Thing- Yuna

because i want to be Lao Tzu.

Respond intelligently to unintelligent treatment.

- Lao Tzu

i have a great admiring for people who are able to think two milliseconds before they can consciously respond without holding back. smart responses. witty ones with a hint of sarcasm are a two thumbs up from me. because i, on the other hand, tend to be more easily overwhelmed by emotions before my thoughts can come into process.

i feed off my anger.

and then i respond,

rather,

unintelligently.

i can't help but to treat people in the same way i am being treated. that's why i hold back from making the extra effort of being nice [i say nice very loosely because i can't think of a more suitable adjective] because i feel like i'm the kind of person who can only love so much. and i get exhausted and worn out because i don't know how to say no or stop to myself. that's perhaps another personal flaw, not knowing how to tell myself enough. so yes, that is why i have a tendency lately of minding my own business and caring only for the people who care for me. i don't have the energy anymore to cater to everyone's feelings, though i still get anxious thinking about whether or not people are okay from time to time. 

simultaneously,

if people interrupt in my peace of mind,

i will get really, really ticked off. 

if i make it clear by my body language that i am to be left alone and to be unprovoked by any form of negativity, i don't think it is difficult to do so. seriously, how difficult is it to leave somebody alone? if i make it clear that i am going to give you your personal space by enclosing myself in my personal space, take that as a goddamn gift, why don't you. that i'm not biting on your back, constantly speaking with such toxic energy. ignore me and my flaws the way i ignore you for all your flaws and what not. 

so yes. i don't really know how to react intelligently when i feel like i am being treated unintelligently because i think more with my faint little heart than my brain. or perhaps my heart takes greater precedent over anything else. hmmmm. how do people manage to contain their emotions so well?

Come Walk With Me- M.I.A

because this should have happened before anything.

you didn't do anything about it

you didn't do anything about it

you didn't do anything about it

this is me finally doing something, despite the difficulty and how hard it is to even utter why i have to do what has been done. but it had to be said. the air needed to feel the vibrations of the echo of words that needed to be pulled out from deep within my being. i cannot sweep anymore under the carpet. i cannot pretend and ignore, and act as if things are going to be fine with time.

they are not.

a measure has to be drawn,

and a measure did i draw. 

i don't feel empty. in fact, i feel renewed. 

not entirely, but by the minuscule. 

a new surge of energy overtakes my tired bones, lighting it on slow course of blue fire. my dried eyes can barely open but i feel like they need to close for this page and open again to a new chapter of this story. the story has not ended. this is merely an interlude; an important interval that should have been in the beginning phase of the story but we jumped into a cascade of burning desire, smothered with infatuation, obsession and disillusionment. we were like silly little teenagers, except that we are not.

perhaps it was moreso for me; i couldn't discern illusion from reality, romanticism from rationality. i was caught off guard, trapped in the blaze of first sight's illusions. so magnificent, so magnanimous, so one of a kind. i idealized what i saw, too much of what i saw. and with time, the idea began to fall apart like wallpaper slowly tearing away from an aging wall. things are not always as how we see them. our brains trick us. we only see what we want to see. 

to think that i saw a point of flawlessness.

how foolish.

no one is ever perfect but i tricked myself into thinking otherwise.

and perhaps, in how C put it,

this is but a natural phase. after one year, you finally begin to question the foundations it all. what is the base? are they pebbles or rock-solid tar? how strong is the ground you stand on? what is your reason of it? why? 

as silly as it sounds,

i need to know what it's like to be me again. 

i want to drown in the joys of my own loneliness.

cultivate it, grow in it, 

be able to fully grasp a firm sense of self before jumping into other grassy lands. i need to rid off this disgusting, parasitic nature of mine; the inability to stand on my own two feet without depending on another soul to carry the weight of my world. i need to rejuvenate, rediscover the principles and beliefs i once stood for that now seem to be at lost. and for me, this is the only way it can be done.

and so it is.

no more free punching bags, no more lose-lose situations. 

i love you like nothing else in this world and no one should be treated in the way that i have been so freely abusing all the selflessness you have been giving me. not only is it unfair, it is truthfully immoral. i look at myself and this is not the person i thought i would be. i loathe it, spit on it. 

let me learn to be me again.

The Blower's Daughter- Damien Rice

because i've made it to the big number.

yes, this is my 1000th post!!!!!!! *cue fireworks and gunshots in the air*


upon more than eight years of blogging loyally on this website, i have reached the big quadruple number, with the name in which i have chosen to stick with. lyricalsteps. because i believe my walk in life is one that involves a plethora of emotions and meaning, and that has not changed since the first day when i was twelve and bored and thinking of a suitable name to headline my blogging platform that i didn't think i would be continuing 7-8 years down the road. if anything, i believe my sense of emotionality has only increased as i grew older. because the other big number that i have hit is [the key of entering adulthood's]..............

21!!!!!! *yet cue more fireworks and gunshots*



today marks the final celebration of turning 21 for me as i just came home an hour ago from dinner with a small bunch of loved ones. despite having earlier planned something much bigger, i think the initial plan made me more anxious than excited because i was very worried of how everything would turn out. at the end of the day, quality overrides quantity and i was, simply put, very happy. i think one of the greatest joys in life, for me at least, is to be reciprocally loved by the ones you love. and it's an extra bonus if the other person loves you more than you do them. and there is nothing i wanted more than to be in the company of the people i adored, and hopefully or thankfully, reciprocate my adoration for them.


granted, i don't take all wishes into deep consideration because wishing on facebook is as easy as a simple click and some do it for the sake of just doing it. however, the messages received from some really good old (by old i mean like sudah lama hilang contact old) friends and just catching up by means of simple conversations means a great deal to me as well. i am thankful to be in the thoughts of many. definitely, it's something that i don't have enough grace to fully appreciate. therefore, i remain humbly thankful.


also one thing that i appreciate more than usual are letters with handwritten messages, and i received a few from a couple of close friends. i believe there are some things that are better written than said, thus my appreciation for the power of words and its strength versus that of verbal communication. to this, i am also humbly thankful. that people have words to write to me, words that leave me touched and softened.


the day before, which was the actual date of my birthday, was moreso hectic with plans and cakes from a lot of people. in the words of JiaLi, i am "damn lucky lorh". i also had dinner with my family + extended family + special guest appearance from the companion, and speaking of whom, was there for me throughout much of yesterday and today, physically mentally emotionally. for someone who doesn't believe in the idea of birthday celebrations, he definitely made it more special than i deemed it to be.


i am very thankful to have friends who are the greatest, most inspiring people, ones who have moulded me into becoming the many-layered person i am today. we are the people we surround ourselves with and very truthfully, i am surrounded by the most beautiful hearts and minds, ones whose beauty and complexity i cannot speak of but can only admire quietly. i am also very thankful to be loved so much more than a human being as selfish and occasionally conceited than i should deserve to be loved; to that one extra person who hears my cry, who supports my back when i fall hard and simultaneously always holding my hand, both metaphorically and literally. who manages to bring me to high clouds of joy and altogether keeping my two feet solidly planted on the ground. who always makes sure i am okay and constantly ensures that i am never alone in my many endeavors of life experiences. your love is patient, your love is kind, nor does it envy, boast or is it proud.



so yes, twenty one.
despite having one unfortunate tearful event earlier today, i don't doubt the significance of turning a year older and what it means for me. that's what life is supposed to be though. i don't think life is supposed to be all about happiness or finding happiness. i think life is about experiencing it all; the good, the bad, the very good, the very bad, the nothingness, the fullness. the entirety of being whole. and i am still, always, in the process of being a whole human being. i don't believe i have figured out the ways of how life should be lived and i don't want to ever come to a solid answer as to how the universe works. all in all, i love to live. and i am glad to be still living.


Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus

because i was within, and without.

two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
and sorry i could not travel both.


for i was not invited on these two paths, you see.
they were not mine to walk.
it did not have my name nor did it bear my carvings.
i was but a mere observer.


i could see four,
two in two,
arms linked around the other's;


engaging in talk and thought, so deep in their bridged worlds, they just walk down their paths. the two separate yellow brick roads. they walk and walk and walk and walk.... and their chatter grows into the distance as they continued on. diminished. silence. gone.


& there i stood.
at the front of the brick road.
forgotten, secluded, excluded.


the way you would separating a yolk from the egg. you are in actuality, a part of the total, but that's what you're being entitled to be; just a part of the total. nothing less, nothing more.


i was once more,
within, and without.


Creature Fear- Bon Iver

because there's nothing else to it.
you are my home. 

because snowflakes are just snowflakes, after all.

people everywhere finding a reason for their existence.
looking for some sort of significance in their lives, emulating that of fictional characters, of storybooks, of television dramas and whatsoever other things. that their lives cannot be created by God with the simple purpose of just living and enjoying these life pleasures.


people want to be unique, different.
desolating those who are deemed as too plain, too black and white.
people priding themselves in their individuality, their characteristics and the way they are.
people putting so much emphasis on the little details. when in actuality, these details are everywhere. like specks of dust you find underneath an old furniture.


why do we feel the need to make our lives feel like it's something extraordinary, to justify events in our lives and the people we keep in our circles, to continuously look for reasons and giving them significant meanings? what is wrong with ordinary? what is wrong with the absolute black and white? why do we need to constantly reaffirm our personalities and how we are? is it not enough that we know it for ourselves and keep it to ourselves?


or is it that we constantly justify the little details in our lives because we want to feel important? and different? that somehow, in a world of six billion people, we are unique little snowflakes, one of a kind?

people showcasing their identities like it is some sort of game,

 a competition.

life is no competition.
life is simple.
we idiots just like to complicate it.


Blue Jeans- Mateo (Lana Del Rey cover)

because i'm glad to be.

today was a kind of really good day at work because i wore some new shoes and felt really good in them and about them. mainly because 1)i spent reaaally little on them and 2) workmates were wondering if they were the new Timberland/Martens series LOL SRSLY AH. also, 3)some of them were asking me to get them a pair in their size. 

i realize that we underrate how much of what we eat i will get on with this later and what we wear to attributing to how we feel. by how we feel, i mean how we perceive ourselves to be, our level of confidence etc. we always assume that to put much effort into how we look is clear signs of vanity and superficiality. that oh, why bother putting on makeup/wearing nice clothes because i'm not letting people see the real me kind of shindig. 

here's this big fat contradiction i simply do not get.

there are many kinds of people who have this similar mindset; that they don't believe in putting effort into making themselves look physically better because they don't feel the need to impress people with frivolousness. "why bother dressing up? i don't need to impress anybody." ya then when people don't talk to you, you get into this self-blaming, i-am-not-attractive mode and blame it on unattractive genes or compare yourself to the next person who probably puts in more effort into looking physically good. by look physically better, i don't mean the drastic measures of plastic surgery and Botox let's leave that to the Koreans shall we. i mean simple things like dressing well, wearing your hair in a different way, adding a cologne/perfume/eau de toilette, putting make up even, if you do float in that direction... it could be anything, even from wearing a nice pair of shoes! why, why do we have to attribute actions to physically improve ourselves as something that's lacking depth or trifling? 

to add something that increases how you look does not mean you are being shallow.
when you increase yourself on the outside, you automatically increase yourself on the inside.

very much like how it goes vice versa as well.

it's an entire set combination like a chain series; you feel good because you know you look good, and you also look good because you feel good. then people will think you look good as well because of the air you carry; that luminous vibe of confidence and positivity that translates into a primary form of attraction of others unto yourself. 

you think that physical, material things are what draws the attention. and you avoid it because you think it's not the right way to draw people to you and that it is unintelligent, flimsy as a cheap theater movie and cheap butter popcorn. but the attitude that you set yourself in is what shuns people from drawing to you. that negativity with a tinge of sour bitterness sheathed underneath that laugh of sarcasm. that judgmental mentality, where you hiss off at people who put time, money and effort into looking good. you think that the society draws to beauty but that in itself, is not an entirely correct thought. 

the world draws to light. 

people who carry light are those that draw others, not primarily based on what they look like on the outside. sure i won't lie, beauty wins in a lot of areas in life, but beauty is pointless if the person's personality is monotonous as a still jar. still, it's when you enhance how you look on the outside to match with the light you have on the inside, then only will you begin to be the brightest form of light you can be. you let the light on the outside reflect the light you have on the inside. then, you become translucent and people draw to you because of the light you emit. 

this goes the same for what we eat. i tend to get judged for my choices of food intake at times because they're not stereotypically and culturally normal i.e not eating rice at lunch. the reason as to why i tend to avoid heavy carbohydrates at lunch sometimes is because it gets me drowsy, and have you tried working/sitting in class while drowsy? i believe what i eat will affect my moods and concentration, so in a very biological explanation, i make my food choices based on how i want to feel. and also, adding in profanity: fuck you if i want to eat cereal for lunch ok, you obviously haven't had cereal with strawberries, bananas, almonds, toasted pecans and cinnamon before you don't know what kind of life you're missing out on 

back to the topic,

i believe in looking good because looking good means you feel good about yourself, both on the inside and outside. i don't see it as some form of superficiality; there's nothing superficial about knowing what works for you and what you put into your body respectively. i personally don't believe there's anything wrong with investing in a good pair of shoes or paying a little extra for a pair of jeans that you really like. you don't need to prove yourself to anybody, and that's the best kind of yourself you can be. if you are rocking a new lipstick or new sense of style, four points for you glen coco. 

this has been a weirdly written post of jumbled up ideas that grew from a single strand of run-through-the-mind thought. if this offends you, i am not sorry. 

Headlight Looks Like Diamonds- Arcade Fire 

because i don't know what to do anymore.

because titles are just words.

i try not to think about too much things.
i also try not to think about things too much.


but unfortunately, every now and then, i feel like something is evidently somewhere, and that somewhere always has to be right in my bloody face that i would have to be blind to not notice or see it, and thus, triggering the chain of negative thoughts in my mind.


everything. everything and everyone makes me feel inadequate.
more often that not lately, i find myself keeping quiet more often because i am treated as if i don't have enough intellect or knowledge to discuss topic matters that are in the current of being discussed. i don't want much to be included, but i dislike the feeling of being excluded. i'm not sure if the both are similar, but eitherway, it's not a nice feeling to feel. and i've been feeling it for an ongoing basis now, i'm not sure what i have to do.


perhaps everyone is too general a word.
of course there are specific people and not all people have the privilege *shameless plug* of earning my thoughts.


the worst part is when i start questioning myself.
am i not smart enough? why won't they talk to me as well? why do they ignore me? why do they leave me behind? why? why why why? 


it's funny really, how people speak of being ill-treated by others and how they feel left out, ignored etc. but everyone does that. everyone excludes at least someone every time, be it by accident or on purpose. and perhaps me feeling excluded/left out is just something that happens by accident. and perhaps this is just an incident of me overanalyzing and overthinking minute things. the only thing i know is i won't be saying much anymore. not because i have nothing to say but because my thoughts and opinions are treated like plain, empty shells and there is nothing worst than feeling like you're not good enough.

because it's all okay.

when the skies have turned a blue black,
nothing but silent roads and gushes of sound as one or two cars speed by on the highway,
music playing softly to accompany me.

why is it that my peace of mind only arrives when the whole world is sleeping or is still asleep. 

i think my level of tolerance with people has decreased with time. not that i no longer enjoy the company of people, i still love people and meeting new people. but i've reached a part of me that says 'yeah maybe not everyone, you know?' i love people but not all people. i think when i realize the depth or how much some people ultimately lack depth, the idea of having to talk to them shuns me off. okay, maybe depth is too strong a word. people who have belittling morals or hold selfish principles. all the more are those who don't realize it. and they continue down their happy paths, thinking nothing is wrong and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with what they think or how they are. 

it scares me how some people can never find a flaw within themselves.

they actually believe the world revolves around them. and i mean actually, literally, actually. 

because sometimes, these people don't realize what affect it has on the people around them. 

my peace of mind only comes at quiet times in the day because i don't feel or have the need to tolerate people. that sounds pretty sad, ain't it? but well, being alone is different from being lonely. in fact, being alone is one of the best things in the world. i love when there is no need for me to put up a front or put up a level of toleration. just me being me.  in the words of BBC's Sherlock, i wish i could tell some people to not think sometimes because they pollute my air.

thus, my current life.

a gradual progress from feeling anxious about the smallest things like whether or not i kept the milk in the fridge and then twelve hours later, remembering that as much as i am alone, i am not entirely alone. i have people who care about me. i have the greatest friends. i have the most wonderful companion. and i have God. 

i'm okay.

I Wanna Go- Yuna

because this is an emotional post.

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go."


i would've avoided coming to my usual public platform but i couldn't find my journal. and i didn't want to scribble negative thoughts to the beginning of my new empty journals/books. also, i get double brownie points for getting public sympathy. HA HA

can you, though?

remove people from your life, especially if it's a relative/in the blood? 

a romantic interest, friends... these people come and go and it would still be okay but family? how does one loosen the ties? do these ties even loosen? to remove toxic people from your life,  would it still apply if it was family?


of course, what is toxic to me is not necessarily equally toxic to someone else. my experience is purely my experience, and same goes to my perspectives, my thoughts, my opinions. we can share all that by means of conversation with another person but to what extent can the other person agree to disagree? can they even come to agreeing in the first place?


fact still, i know what is toxic to me. perhaps one of the only things that makes my blood boil and veins rage has always been the same. and i need not mention it specifically anymore because those who know it, know it. 


i suppose i'm just tired. 
i am exhausted of how much i have to put up with. and i know i can handle alot of things in life; throw me a pile of assignments, have them be on the same submission due date, add on a part-time working schedule and i would still be able to handle it all. but this; i just run out of breath. this weight that takes over me emotionally, physically... to the point where i am left in a pool of disappointment, anguish, and ultimately, sadness.


because there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.
"no matter how much we try, we cannot change the perspective that people have of us."


and unfortunately, this affects my life too in the family. it's all a part of the unwritten social norms of who's in the group and who isn't. i know i'm a blackbird in that sense; never have i wanted to be considered to be in the group. but it's toll of being looked upon as the weird, think-too-much [quote]useless shit[endquote] that i cannot handle. and to this; there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.


such painful, detrimental words from someone who is supposed to be younger than me. words that i would never use on any human being. every word a knife, every inch deeper the cut, ever more irreparable the damage done. my life is tiptoe-ing in a land of explosive mines; i will never escape this.


Over The Love- Florence + The Machine 

because i love you.

one year.

one year since that prospective date and time when i cried tears of joy because i knew my life was going to change when you asked for my hand to hold and we sat right there in our childish happiness for what seemed like fifteen minutes was actually two hours as we soaked in the first moments of the two of us being together. 

one year since.

365 days of me having someone wish me good morning and goodnight without fail, always ensuring i come first, almost to the extent where it drove me to my own point of narcissism, and one of the best things about being with you and you being with me is that you always offer your food to me first and let me have the last bite as well, if i wished it. 

so this is what it's like to be in a real relationship.

one that tests, pushes, breaks and challenges the two parties; and at the same time, makes you learn more about yourself than you've ever had. makes you understand what it is to give without expecting in return. makes you feel a plethora of emotions that you cannot translate into words. 

people say that the first year is just the honeymoon phase and the challenge of being in a relationship gets harder and harder with time. or is it?

here's to the second year.

Never Let Me Go- Florence + the Machine 

because he makes me happy.

there are so many ways people define a relationship.

there is the all-important and all-favourite chemistry, the yin and yang, the compatibility in personalities, the similar beliefs, the dissimilar beliefs, the birds-of-a-feather-flock-together, the opposites-attract, the physical attraction, the mental attraction... the list goes on and on. often a relationship comprises of more than two of the mentioned definitions, sometimes less and sometimes even more.


then there is of course, the unconscious, more socially-tendered ways people define relationships as well.


how much their family likes their other halves, how much their friends like their other halves, how well they blend in, how well they fit in, how well liked they are as a couple, how good they both look together, how much people comment on their relationship, social height requirements, body type requirements, financial status don't pandang pandang pelik ah you know you do it, the struggle of sacrificing parts of themselves to be with another person thus contributing to feeling like the relationship will be long lasting and worth it, the feeling and idea that the relationship is so rebellious of social norms that they feed off it, the feeling and idea that the relationship is God-approved thus feeling secured... this list goes on and on as well.


i've come to a slow learning process that what i have with the person i'm with does not have to meet the standard requirement of how people define relationships. my relationship is defined by me and the person i'm with. because at the end of the day, people can only say so much from what they see and what they deduce. and so much can only be seen by an outside party. as for matters of the slightly unknown, that is also only something that i will know, or not know(?). still, not something that can be marked by someone watching from the outside. what matters is the two people innit, nothing less, nothing more.


at the end of the day,
my relationship choices are my decisions.

in simpler and perhaps more atrocious words,

i'm learning to not give a flying fuck. 

skewing off a bit,

Justin Timberlake is just... wow.

Pusher Love Girl- Justin Timberlake

because this makes me happy.

ain't this just lovely; sitting by a window and just watching the trees move and sway about

i'm not the happiest person. no.
i get angry rather easily, though i don't admit it. i panic really fast, i go into shivers and i end up doing things in a rush of exasperation. my human flaws that i'm not proud of but hey, i acknowledge them.


i think there are alot of things that actually easily make me happy.
getting to drink teh tarik in the morning, the company of engaging friends, kissing and cuddling hehe, my blanket on cold nights, a dive into the pool, red velvet cupcakes, singing to The Lumineers, naps, walks, runs, seeing someone dressed up fancily, group dinners and such.


i've realized that one of the things that make me truly happy is when i have conversations with people. and by conversations, i don't mean yibber yabber that goes along the lines of ohhhhh how's your daaaaay and oh how's your familyyyyyyyyyy and what course are you studying/how many years do you have left sort of nonsense. in fact, i really hate when that is all people ask. if not that, it's if you're working and how much you earn and about how much criticism you get for working a job that pays little/seemingly not enough. not enough for them, perhaps.


by conversations, i mean the genuine conversations where it's a fair amount of give and take. and not something that is done forcefully. i mean where it's an unconscious thing forgive my knack of picking on subjects of the conscious and unconscious mind; perks and flaws of being a psychology major that goes with ease. in fact, i think it makes me really happy when i know that  in the midst an exchange of conversation, i can be happy for another person's happiness, even if i don't have as much as what they have or close to what they have. what makes me happy is when i can give myself in a conversation, forget of my own parsimonious needs and selfish fatigue, and just give myself away into the light and joy of others.


i think there is a great joy in being selfless.
because when we stop looking at ourselves and scrutinizing, thinking about how much people owe us and how much we our own selves matter over others, we grow this little seed of joy in ourselves. we let go off the bitterness that we keep so carefully planted inside, that the world owes it to us for our existence.

no.

the world owes nothing to us. not you, not me.

neither do we owe others anything.

when we reach that stage of accepting that animosity can truly be liberated from deep within ourselves and come to terms with the possibility of achievable happiness in its simplest state, i think we can all be easily happy.


hmmm, i want me a cupcake right now.


I Wanna Go- Yuna

i figured,


people just really think they know a lot of things. that they know their family members, their best friends, their neighbours, their enemies, their colleagues, and especially people whom they don't even know well enough. ala-ala gossip. and the list goes on. what they don't realize is when they apply pre-conceived judgments that it comes out in the way they react, the words they use and speak. deny the conscious as much as you want and can, but the subconscious sneaks out on you like a little bitch with a loaded gun.  people say a lot of things and they think they know a lot of things. and sometimes, these people are also ironically the ones who say they don't know everything. what's worse is when a situation allows them to confirm their beliefs, eventhough there is no actual concrete evidence that situation A is linked to pre-conceived judgment B, the link is established anyway.

why do we assume so easily?

worse; why do we assume when we say we don't assume?

i think a part of human nature is that we like to express ourselves in adjectives to describe our core character. and then, in par process, we expect to understand the people around us in adjective forms as well. talkative, hyperactive, weird, creep, gay, quiet, passive, emotional. if only we realized that the usage of these adjectives itself are limiting. we limit ourselves by our literary definitions. oh i'm a laidback person, i should always stay cool in the backseat and you know, say nothing. oh i'm the talkative noisy one, i'd better start yapping about something incredibly pointless and throw a stupid dance in it as well. 


unfortunate enough that we do this to ourselves but we do that to other people as well. based on a person's basic traits, we assume a great deal about their personalities and how they are as people. therefore, we think we know everything, eventhough we say we don't. in limiting ourselves, we limit other people.


humanity is not that simple to spell.
we don't know for sure how people are, whether or not we have bonded with them in a quick minute or took a timespan of years of strong friendship. i think it is vital that we all learn to just view our world and the people that we say we care about with a certain degree of understanding and respect, in which we leave all pre-conceived judgements aside and instead of saying that we understand, that we try understanding instead.  words can only do so much in comparison to the actual action.


such an array of scrambled thoughts after a long day's of work and midnight supper.

"We all have a tendency to consider strength the culprit and weakness the victim."

If only there is a dawn of realization that the ultimate weapon of weakness that women have is what creates the aggression in any relationship. Our weakness pushes our other halves to be as weak, if not weaker, than us. We tarnish their state of strength by using our absolute weakness to our advantage. we make our other halves do things that don't garner their sincerity, but more so their dislike of seeing us in a state of despair. & we use it as a test of their love. our other halves would then, succumb to our state of happiness.


'if you really love me, you will do ______ for me.' 
'if you really love me, you will understand.'
'do you really love me now?' 


not exactly so direct and straightforward, but that's how the job is done. we claim we are the weaker counterpart, but by reinforcing that, our weakness becomes aggressive. aggression is no longer limited to aspects of strength anymore. it works both ways.

and just like that, strength is the victim. and weakness the culprit.

if only,
we realized.


such thoughts while reading Milan Kundera.
great book.

because i support it.

i've never branded myself very much as a feminist nor have i made claims that i am a feminist. but i do feel quite strongly, as do most of my female counterparts, about the subject of gender equality. i think it's a subject matter that is not quite easily digested by some men(?) note: i leave question marks in brackets because 1) i don't know how true these statements are because 2) these are all just my own personal interpretations based on my own personal experiences and 3) it's very questionable, hence. it's actually not too hard to comprehend; you just need to, very simply, bukak itu otak skit. in this home country, gender equality is not as much a pressing concern as that of racial inequality. really, calculate and average the times of which a woman complains about a man not respecting her female rights and the times of which an Indian woman complains about a Malay man treating her as minority.


it's like a hierarchal pyramid, think of it this way.
once we manage to overcome a specific problem, we aim the next bigger problem. and i feel, very personally, that Malaysia, thankfully, doesn't have as severe issues of gender inequality than other countries. if you feel otherwise, my own interpretation does not apply to you.


what i do feel and come to have learnt, especially after reading various contexts on gender equality and inequality in my Sociology of Gender class, is that people tend to mistaken what constitutes a feminist and what a feminist actually means. and perhaps there are a number of men who do not understand the basics of feminism. simply put, because, they have never been a woman. they don't understand what it is like to live as a second class gender, and i say second class gender because that's what we women are. movies, books, films, magazines... majority pretty much revolves around chasing the man, is it not?


in that sense, i feel that men should have a more open-minded view of feminism. i say this because many people are not informed of the fact that there are first of all, so many branches of feminism. and second of all, omg feminists don't hate men lah prissssss.


feminists are not men-haters; those are called misandrists. feminists are not just women; Ezra Miller and Patrick Stewart understand it. feminists are not gay; Obama understands feminism and he's not it. feminists do not step on men, they step on patriarchy. and the reason why men don't understand this is because our lifestyles over the past centuries have been patriarchal. generic men have had the ease of their way and they simply cannot put themselves in the shoes of a woman. statistically, there are no and never has there been ANY matriarchal societies or cultures in this world. in the words of James Brown, it's a man's, man's, man's world. and for all of humanity, women have been living to that rule.


there are a lot of general ideas as to what a feminist means, and a lot of the times, the term is inappropriately or overtly used, somewhat. most people would associate the likes of Beyonce to be a feminist because of her 'Run The World' antics and typically female-dominant themes woman has an all female line up as a band in her music. i don't know if Beyonce has admitted to being a feminist(?) but i don't want to jump into that.


i felt so strongly about this and at quite the random time because i came across this few pieces of writing online that describes exactly how i perceive feminism to be and what i have learnt it to be. mentally, i was just going all 'AMEN' on each of the paragraphs. preaching so much truth right there.

"Feminists do not want you to lose custody of your children. The assumption that women are naturally better caregivers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not like commercials in which bumbling dads mess up the laundry and competent wives have to bustle in and fix it. The assumption that women are naturally better housekeepers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to make alimony payments. Alimony is set up to combat the fact that women have been historically expected to prioritize domestic duties over professional goals, thus minimizing their earning potential if their “traditional” marriages end. The assumption that wives should make babies instead of money is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to get raped in prison. Permissiveness and jokes about prison rape are part of rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to be falsely accused of rape. False rape accusations discredit rape victims, which reinforces rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be lonely and we do not hate “nice guys.” The idea that certain people are inherently more valuable than other people because of superficial physical attributes is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to pay for dinner. We want the opportunity to achieve financial success on par with men in any field we choose (and are qualified for), and the fact that we currently don’t is part of patriarchy. The idea that men should coddle and provide for women, and/or purchase their affections in romantic contexts, is condescending and damaging and part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be maimed or killed in industrial accidents, or toil in coal mines while we do cushy secretarial work and various yarn-themed activities. The fact that women have long been shut out of dangerous industrial jobs (by men, by the way) is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to commit suicide. Any pressures and expectations that lower the quality of life of either gender are part of patriarchy. The fact that depression is characterized as an effeminate weakness, making men less likely to seek treatment, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be viewed with suspicion when you take your child to the park (men frequently insist that this is a serious issue, so I will take them at their word). The assumption that men are insatiable sexual animals, combined with the idea that it’s unnatural for men to care for children, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be drafted and then die in a war while we stay home and iron stuff. The idea that women are too weak to fight or too delicate to function in a military setting is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want women to escape prosecution on legitimate domestic violence charges, nor do we want men to be ridiculed for being raped or abused. The idea that women are naturally gentle and compliant and that victimhood is inherently feminine is part of patriarchy.

Feminists hate patriarchy. We do not hate you.

If you really care about those issues as passionately as you say you do, you should be thanking feminists, because feminism is a social movement actively dedicated to dismantling every single one of them. The fact that you blame feminists—your allies—for problems against which they have been struggling for decades suggests that supporting men isn’t nearly as important to you as resenting women. We care about your problems a lot. Could you try caring about ours?

”


 it is so much more than just hating on men. excuse or not excuse my profanity but the men and groups of women who don't have their facts straight need to just shut the *wordofprofanity* up and erase their skewed mindsets. feminists don't hate you, as much as you would like to narcissistically believe; feminists hate the luxury of what men get for simply being men. not you, just the world you and all of us ignorantly live in. 


i don't think i'm a feminist. but i understand where they come from, what they strive to achieve, and i support it. is that contradictory and does that automatically make me a feminist? that's up to interpretation. either way, i don't mind.

because it takes work.

i just typed a whole lot and erased the entire lot.


very simply put,
everything in life takes work.
making a damn good specialty pizza takes work as well.

it kind of sucks when you want to talk to a person/have a conversation with a person but the other person usually has nothing to say.



oddly enough, makes you feel like you're talking to yourself.
dude i hate talking to myself.

because when you step back from the picture, you realize how easy happiness can be.

just to update the anonymous readers if there are any of this on and off, comatose-like blog, i'd been working for the past three months, a few days a week at H&M now. 1) they have better pay than most of my previous jobs, 2)i can buy clothes with a staff discount and 3)i always need a form of hands on distraction/side job to balance out my college life. also, 4) i don't like being in the house coz it's not really a home, per say.

so today, i decided as much earlier on i had planned to take the public bus to work. i had took the bus to work before but had only started on doing so a couple days back because my shift was at 1p.m, which isn't as bad as nocturnal, still-wanna-sleep-coz-who-the-heck-is-awake-before-the-sun-is 6a.m. meaning i had to wake up at 5:30a.m; who wakes up at 5:30a.m bro? 

well, very happily as when i first discovered that a direct bus from my house a.k.a Desa Petaling to right opposite the road from H&M a.k.a Bukit Bintang actually stops at the bus stop right outside my house, i was a bit nervous to take the bus at 6a.m. what if i don't wake up in time? what if the bus doesn't show? what if the bus driver doesn't see me? what if I GET KIDNAPPED AND GET TRAFFICKED TO THAILAND

ok la i'm overdoing it. it still plucked at nerves a bit because i'd been so lazily dependent on the comforts of having a car. why would i take the bus if i can drive? i think when we are given things or when things appear in our lives and stay for a long set of time, we get accustomed to it. accustomed meaning that we slowly lose our appreciation for it. that without it, we would react in the immature sense of thinking, wow, what is it that i had did in my past life to deserve me this kind of unacceptable shit. also known as, #FirstWorldProblems. 

and because i'd been having ongoing fights with the sister regarding the car (and trust me, these fights grow more dynamic and more damagingly explosive), i had thought hard on how i could reduce my own usage of the car. people would think, damn aren't you just making your life harder/you really can't reason with your sister(?) and my answer to both questions is no and no.

so yes, back to the main point.

today, i took the bus. 

despite the miniscule dread i felt for a short while and the one time i thought wah juyi seriously, better to reason with your sister to death than do this to yourself right, i slowly settled into what it felt like to be a normal person. and by normal, i mean the average Malaysian who depends on public transportation to get from A to B because some average Malaysians can't afford cars. the normal person who has to wake up almost an hour earlier just to take the bus, that would perhaps take another hour before they reach their destination. the normal person who does not have the luxury to complain, and instead, develop a sincere level of patience. 

when i took the bus home from work, the journey home was much longer (because KL). despite having been tired and just wanting to savor on the homecooked dinner that was waiting for me at home, i decided to savor on something else; my ride home. i got to become a wallflower, another side of me i used to enjoy the once upon a time when i did not have the luxury of a car. i got to observe, watch, and just gaze at all the people the bus drove by, picked up and let off. i got to see our busy city keep its spirits alive as more people flood the roads of Kuala Lumpur. an ease crept onto my heart, as i looked out of the window with guitar strums playing to both my ears from my phone. in the midst of solidity and an idle mind, i was happy. 

i think that when we specifically do things to challenge the luxurious comforts that we have been given in life, there's a sort of nourishment that fills you. it just makes you feel human, i suppose. and there's nothing more essential in life than to feel grounded and human. really. 

because the day can be better.

it's amazing what good friends can do by just sitting and listening over a cup of teh tarik as well as what laughter can heal when you least expected it.


the worst part of falling is when you feel like there is a loss of hope, a loss of energy in your entire being and a complete stop in all the fibers in your body. you can't move, you don't have the energy to speak, you don't want to speak, if possible, and the ultimate horror is the inability to stop crying.


we all know i am very inclined to the neurotic, emotional side.
and ironically, be also well-inclined to the extroverted i-love-people side.
it's a large contrast because two cannot really exist at the same time. does that make me a constant swing between both then? 


the past night was a whirlwind of never ending trains of thought. it was a nightmare, except that i wasn't sleeping. reality felt like it was constantly kicking me and shoving ideas into my tired head, i'm begging out for it all to stop, but the current of the thoughts just kept coming in like a tidal wave. a constant overwhelm of unwanted pain as i rethink of the entire of what happened in the past three hours.


i managed to fall asleep around 5:30a.m but awoke an hour later to be sent to college by a godsent companion. my gratefulness to the person i can call at the solemn, lonely hours of 2 a.m extends without end. i often only realize the extent of how much is done for me, how much i am cared for and thought for much later after the concurrent situation. i realize i've not been an easy person to be with in the past week, with my unrelenting overthinking and overanalyzing. for all the reassurance, being there-ness, and holding me from falling any lower; thank you.


also to the company i have in college, some who knew what i had went through, some who didn't; all who managed to bring me back up on my feet and into fits of retarded-seal laughter again.

that was the most difficult night of 2013.

because this is a post upon having not written for two months.

in the midst of a random outburst of laughter and reminiscing on old HMC times with Nicole and Carissa, we went into the subject of blogging. and i thought, hmmm, i had not updated this page in a really long while. it didn't occur to me to write at all then because it was such a rare ocassion that the three of us girls could sit down and actually talk or in other words, heehaaheehaaa together because college life has made it so busy for us that the only time we do meet up is for a quick lunch or sitting together in class. busy, tough, but the good kind of tough. i always love a challenge, even if it involved killing brain cells to produce thirteen pages of research-based on articles.


today was just a fortuitous one as i was reminded how lucky i am to have these two as my soulmates friends version, as Carissa would put it. never would i be able to find people who could understand and accept me for how i am, both for being a rather obvious, butterfly-type extrovert and equivalently, a tired-by-constant-talking, unshowing introvert. i think it is definitely rare to meet people that you can have a decent conversation with; whose walls when are broken down, have magnificent gardens behind them. because to be frank, and quite brutal, most people have nothing but unfermented soil behind their walls. and being a shallow and admitting lover of beauty, i get disinterested really fast with people who have nothing to stand for.

what do i stand for though?

tough a question, tougher to answer. 

something easier to write about: today i went for my sister's cocktail dinner event at her college today, of which she played one of the main chefs in charge. i would normally feel rather awkward standing in a crowd of people who were constantly looking around at others, mentally judging as they stare at you up and down... but i guess the food made me ignore it almost completely.

cookie monster dessert version says hello 

i felt rather nice when i managed to hold a conversation with one of the lecturers there who turned out to be my mother's friend. i exchanged simple opinions and thoughts with him about psychology and philosophy when he brought up the topic with me. always exciting to meet someone who speaks the same language as the current course that i am in. only upon finally leaving the event was i enlightened that he has a pHd doctorate in philosophy. and i'm just o___o sincerely hoping i didn't make a fool out of myself when i didn't pronounce Rene' Descartes' name properly.


all in all,
the best way to end a day is when you come home to a cup of hot tea, unzipping out of a barely-breathable dress and into a loose pyjamas dress with a rabbit cartoon on it.


Chelsea Hotel No. 2- Lana Del Rey