as if raising children wasn't hard enough, you have to worry and constantly fear for their delicate lives because what would children know about living in a world where danger can be lurking in every corner, even when it seems like it isn't there. it's almost as if they have to be kept in a big, bubble wrap to protect them from harm, and even that won't do because someone can easily pick up that bubble wrapped kid of yours, and walk away with it pretending that it's theirs.


i think the toughest job in the world is being a parent.
because you have to turn on your radar, 24-7, even when you don't even have a radar turned on for yourself for that long in the first place. all the added responsibilities, extra precautions... dear goodness, how do you take care of another life when your own life is not very figured out in the first place?


what i have grown to despise is that there are people everywhere who think they are fit to be parent. some believe they are born to be mothers. some just want to have a child. my question is; is that want necessary? can you sustain and really provide for this thing that you want? because having a kid is far different from having a game console or a pretty blouse. what wouldn't be fair, is bringing lives into this world and not giving them enough, or in easier words, putting them through struggle.

don't even get me started on the mental and emotional growth of a child.

so this thing, that alot of people want to be or think they are fit to be,
i just think that people need to remember, recalculate that this is the toughest job known to mankind; and perhaps, the only job that doesn't reward you with money and instead, the other way round.

because i need to be stronger than this.

❝ So many things I had thought forgotten

Return to my mind with stranger pain:

Like letters that arrive addressed to someone

Who left the house so many years ago. ❞

time and time again, i fall back into the weight that pulls me back down. it's never been a different problem. it always comes back to one, singular thing that manages to make me feel completely void and useless and all the terrible things a person could think about themselves. i am driven into a rapid cycle of overanalyzing and overthinking every detail, every memory i thought i had forgotten, all the words that were used, be it by accident or not. 

and i struggle.

i struggle to stand back up, and pretend like i can do it. 

i'm just tired of it all.

because

you are a polaroid;
what appears empty at first, given moments
shows a picture
colours unlike others
old, obsolete, opaque
and you are mine to keep.


you are mine to keep.

because it was a night of fireworks and waterworks.

'who says new years must be happy?'

'i don't know, coz there's fucking fireworks and shit(?)'

'so? fireworks are just lights. we only think fireworks are supposed to make us happy and shit, but that comes from our internal reality.' 

as the clock struck twelve, my insides were emptied out the way a beggar empties his pockets to scour for loose change. every year when i witness fireworks on the last day of the year, my insides go through a rush of exhilaration. like everything is boiling up to explode, in the same way fireworks explode. starting out in the middle and expanding out into spits of colourful and magical fire.


there was confetti coming from everywhere.
the fourteen chaps that i was with on the Camerons trip were screaming at each other, hugging each other, creating massive attention in the hotel lobby flooded with other hotel guests who believe in ushering in the new year. it was a nontheless, joyous moment that was celebrated. my face was a smiling one; it was so wonderful to be in the presence of such incredible friends. some i've only gotten to know this year; some over the past years; some over a decade. some of which i have generated memorable relationships with; some have been with me through each thick and thin of my short-lived life.


despite the differences in time length and quality of interaction, each and every individual has provided me with such deep insight and inspiration as each of them are individually unique, exclusive and profoundly stupid in their own ways. and the four-day, three-night annual holiday has only made me realize that it is incredulously difficult to find such a close-knit support system that are so accepting and loving of each other, despite all the differences. i am beyond thankful, truly i am.

tears started forming in my eyes. 

my smile began to turn crooked, slowly and diminishingly. 

i looked to my phone, as i had looked over and over throughout the day expecting a message. and there was a message.


i was a mixture of happiness and sadness.
because the one person i wished i could see and hug and celebrate with was not there. and because of previous matters, there has been requited silence from both parties. and i hate that sort of silence, i absolutely do. to not be able to talk to the person you want to talk to because it feels like there's something blocking your throat from voicing the words out, is perhaps the worst feeling in the world. but i got a message. and that was all that mattered.


the day was an event of undesirable waterworks. at the hotel roadside, before going to sleep, waking up from sleep, sitting at lunch, sitting in the car, sitting in the car on the way home, sitting in my own bedroom, sitting on the toilet floor. i deliberately wanted to count the number of times i lost control and i gave up. second worst feeling in the world, when you choke on tears because you can't keep yourself together and everything just pours out. the same way a beggar empties his pocket for loose change, just more desperately.


i experienced two great sorrowful feelings on the first day of the new year.
and i thought it was going to turn out to be an extraneously tough and challenging 365 days.


it's now the second day and so far, it has been less waterworks and more simple joys.
i learned so much in the past week, today particularly too. i learned that happiness can be found even in times when it seemed like happiness was a distant light in a dark room. that getting up just takes time; the time taken is up to me. that even the biggest, most complicated pile of mess can be, un-messed.


i still think this year is going to be one of the most challenging ones yet, as i set myself with important things to do and resist from doing in order to govern some sort of maintenance and balance in my ever-up-and-down life. so yes, i somewhat have a resolution that i have not yet written down. and  i think it is important to set goals, both short term and long term. because having the idea is better than not having it at all.


i need to devote more of my time back to Christ, as i feel like i have swayed back a little in the last months of yesteryear. i need to find my center again in God. let's hope i do that well. because i realize that as much as i don't want/dislike going through the fuss of going to church, i need His presence in my life. i cannot do this alone.


2013, DATANG AH!


Million Dollar Man- Lana Del Rey