"We all have a tendency to consider strength the culprit and weakness the victim."

If only there is a dawn of realization that the ultimate weapon of weakness that women have is what creates the aggression in any relationship. Our weakness pushes our other halves to be as weak, if not weaker, than us. We tarnish their state of strength by using our absolute weakness to our advantage. we make our other halves do things that don't garner their sincerity, but more so their dislike of seeing us in a state of despair. & we use it as a test of their love. our other halves would then, succumb to our state of happiness.


'if you really love me, you will do ______ for me.' 
'if you really love me, you will understand.'
'do you really love me now?' 


not exactly so direct and straightforward, but that's how the job is done. we claim we are the weaker counterpart, but by reinforcing that, our weakness becomes aggressive. aggression is no longer limited to aspects of strength anymore. it works both ways.

and just like that, strength is the victim. and weakness the culprit.

if only,
we realized.


such thoughts while reading Milan Kundera.
great book.

because i support it.

i've never branded myself very much as a feminist nor have i made claims that i am a feminist. but i do feel quite strongly, as do most of my female counterparts, about the subject of gender equality. i think it's a subject matter that is not quite easily digested by some men(?) note: i leave question marks in brackets because 1) i don't know how true these statements are because 2) these are all just my own personal interpretations based on my own personal experiences and 3) it's very questionable, hence. it's actually not too hard to comprehend; you just need to, very simply, bukak itu otak skit. in this home country, gender equality is not as much a pressing concern as that of racial inequality. really, calculate and average the times of which a woman complains about a man not respecting her female rights and the times of which an Indian woman complains about a Malay man treating her as minority.


it's like a hierarchal pyramid, think of it this way.
once we manage to overcome a specific problem, we aim the next bigger problem. and i feel, very personally, that Malaysia, thankfully, doesn't have as severe issues of gender inequality than other countries. if you feel otherwise, my own interpretation does not apply to you.


what i do feel and come to have learnt, especially after reading various contexts on gender equality and inequality in my Sociology of Gender class, is that people tend to mistaken what constitutes a feminist and what a feminist actually means. and perhaps there are a number of men who do not understand the basics of feminism. simply put, because, they have never been a woman. they don't understand what it is like to live as a second class gender, and i say second class gender because that's what we women are. movies, books, films, magazines... majority pretty much revolves around chasing the man, is it not?


in that sense, i feel that men should have a more open-minded view of feminism. i say this because many people are not informed of the fact that there are first of all, so many branches of feminism. and second of all, omg feminists don't hate men lah prissssss.


feminists are not men-haters; those are called misandrists. feminists are not just women; Ezra Miller and Patrick Stewart understand it. feminists are not gay; Obama understands feminism and he's not it. feminists do not step on men, they step on patriarchy. and the reason why men don't understand this is because our lifestyles over the past centuries have been patriarchal. generic men have had the ease of their way and they simply cannot put themselves in the shoes of a woman. statistically, there are no and never has there been ANY matriarchal societies or cultures in this world. in the words of James Brown, it's a man's, man's, man's world. and for all of humanity, women have been living to that rule.


there are a lot of general ideas as to what a feminist means, and a lot of the times, the term is inappropriately or overtly used, somewhat. most people would associate the likes of Beyonce to be a feminist because of her 'Run The World' antics and typically female-dominant themes woman has an all female line up as a band in her music. i don't know if Beyonce has admitted to being a feminist(?) but i don't want to jump into that.


i felt so strongly about this and at quite the random time because i came across this few pieces of writing online that describes exactly how i perceive feminism to be and what i have learnt it to be. mentally, i was just going all 'AMEN' on each of the paragraphs. preaching so much truth right there.

"Feminists do not want you to lose custody of your children. The assumption that women are naturally better caregivers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not like commercials in which bumbling dads mess up the laundry and competent wives have to bustle in and fix it. The assumption that women are naturally better housekeepers is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to make alimony payments. Alimony is set up to combat the fact that women have been historically expected to prioritize domestic duties over professional goals, thus minimizing their earning potential if their “traditional” marriages end. The assumption that wives should make babies instead of money is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to get raped in prison. Permissiveness and jokes about prison rape are part of rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want anyone to be falsely accused of rape. False rape accusations discredit rape victims, which reinforces rape culture, which is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be lonely and we do not hate “nice guys.” The idea that certain people are inherently more valuable than other people because of superficial physical attributes is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to have to pay for dinner. We want the opportunity to achieve financial success on par with men in any field we choose (and are qualified for), and the fact that we currently don’t is part of patriarchy. The idea that men should coddle and provide for women, and/or purchase their affections in romantic contexts, is condescending and damaging and part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be maimed or killed in industrial accidents, or toil in coal mines while we do cushy secretarial work and various yarn-themed activities. The fact that women have long been shut out of dangerous industrial jobs (by men, by the way) is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to commit suicide. Any pressures and expectations that lower the quality of life of either gender are part of patriarchy. The fact that depression is characterized as an effeminate weakness, making men less likely to seek treatment, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be viewed with suspicion when you take your child to the park (men frequently insist that this is a serious issue, so I will take them at their word). The assumption that men are insatiable sexual animals, combined with the idea that it’s unnatural for men to care for children, is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want you to be drafted and then die in a war while we stay home and iron stuff. The idea that women are too weak to fight or too delicate to function in a military setting is part of patriarchy.

Feminists do not want women to escape prosecution on legitimate domestic violence charges, nor do we want men to be ridiculed for being raped or abused. The idea that women are naturally gentle and compliant and that victimhood is inherently feminine is part of patriarchy.

Feminists hate patriarchy. We do not hate you.

If you really care about those issues as passionately as you say you do, you should be thanking feminists, because feminism is a social movement actively dedicated to dismantling every single one of them. The fact that you blame feminists—your allies—for problems against which they have been struggling for decades suggests that supporting men isn’t nearly as important to you as resenting women. We care about your problems a lot. Could you try caring about ours?

”


 it is so much more than just hating on men. excuse or not excuse my profanity but the men and groups of women who don't have their facts straight need to just shut the *wordofprofanity* up and erase their skewed mindsets. feminists don't hate you, as much as you would like to narcissistically believe; feminists hate the luxury of what men get for simply being men. not you, just the world you and all of us ignorantly live in. 


i don't think i'm a feminist. but i understand where they come from, what they strive to achieve, and i support it. is that contradictory and does that automatically make me a feminist? that's up to interpretation. either way, i don't mind.

because it takes work.

i just typed a whole lot and erased the entire lot.


very simply put,
everything in life takes work.
making a damn good specialty pizza takes work as well.

it kind of sucks when you want to talk to a person/have a conversation with a person but the other person usually has nothing to say.



oddly enough, makes you feel like you're talking to yourself.
dude i hate talking to myself.

because when you step back from the picture, you realize how easy happiness can be.

just to update the anonymous readers if there are any of this on and off, comatose-like blog, i'd been working for the past three months, a few days a week at H&M now. 1) they have better pay than most of my previous jobs, 2)i can buy clothes with a staff discount and 3)i always need a form of hands on distraction/side job to balance out my college life. also, 4) i don't like being in the house coz it's not really a home, per say.

so today, i decided as much earlier on i had planned to take the public bus to work. i had took the bus to work before but had only started on doing so a couple days back because my shift was at 1p.m, which isn't as bad as nocturnal, still-wanna-sleep-coz-who-the-heck-is-awake-before-the-sun-is 6a.m. meaning i had to wake up at 5:30a.m; who wakes up at 5:30a.m bro? 

well, very happily as when i first discovered that a direct bus from my house a.k.a Desa Petaling to right opposite the road from H&M a.k.a Bukit Bintang actually stops at the bus stop right outside my house, i was a bit nervous to take the bus at 6a.m. what if i don't wake up in time? what if the bus doesn't show? what if the bus driver doesn't see me? what if I GET KIDNAPPED AND GET TRAFFICKED TO THAILAND

ok la i'm overdoing it. it still plucked at nerves a bit because i'd been so lazily dependent on the comforts of having a car. why would i take the bus if i can drive? i think when we are given things or when things appear in our lives and stay for a long set of time, we get accustomed to it. accustomed meaning that we slowly lose our appreciation for it. that without it, we would react in the immature sense of thinking, wow, what is it that i had did in my past life to deserve me this kind of unacceptable shit. also known as, #FirstWorldProblems. 

and because i'd been having ongoing fights with the sister regarding the car (and trust me, these fights grow more dynamic and more damagingly explosive), i had thought hard on how i could reduce my own usage of the car. people would think, damn aren't you just making your life harder/you really can't reason with your sister(?) and my answer to both questions is no and no.

so yes, back to the main point.

today, i took the bus. 

despite the miniscule dread i felt for a short while and the one time i thought wah juyi seriously, better to reason with your sister to death than do this to yourself right, i slowly settled into what it felt like to be a normal person. and by normal, i mean the average Malaysian who depends on public transportation to get from A to B because some average Malaysians can't afford cars. the normal person who has to wake up almost an hour earlier just to take the bus, that would perhaps take another hour before they reach their destination. the normal person who does not have the luxury to complain, and instead, develop a sincere level of patience. 

when i took the bus home from work, the journey home was much longer (because KL). despite having been tired and just wanting to savor on the homecooked dinner that was waiting for me at home, i decided to savor on something else; my ride home. i got to become a wallflower, another side of me i used to enjoy the once upon a time when i did not have the luxury of a car. i got to observe, watch, and just gaze at all the people the bus drove by, picked up and let off. i got to see our busy city keep its spirits alive as more people flood the roads of Kuala Lumpur. an ease crept onto my heart, as i looked out of the window with guitar strums playing to both my ears from my phone. in the midst of solidity and an idle mind, i was happy. 

i think that when we specifically do things to challenge the luxurious comforts that we have been given in life, there's a sort of nourishment that fills you. it just makes you feel human, i suppose. and there's nothing more essential in life than to feel grounded and human. really. 

because the day can be better.

it's amazing what good friends can do by just sitting and listening over a cup of teh tarik as well as what laughter can heal when you least expected it.


the worst part of falling is when you feel like there is a loss of hope, a loss of energy in your entire being and a complete stop in all the fibers in your body. you can't move, you don't have the energy to speak, you don't want to speak, if possible, and the ultimate horror is the inability to stop crying.


we all know i am very inclined to the neurotic, emotional side.
and ironically, be also well-inclined to the extroverted i-love-people side.
it's a large contrast because two cannot really exist at the same time. does that make me a constant swing between both then? 


the past night was a whirlwind of never ending trains of thought. it was a nightmare, except that i wasn't sleeping. reality felt like it was constantly kicking me and shoving ideas into my tired head, i'm begging out for it all to stop, but the current of the thoughts just kept coming in like a tidal wave. a constant overwhelm of unwanted pain as i rethink of the entire of what happened in the past three hours.


i managed to fall asleep around 5:30a.m but awoke an hour later to be sent to college by a godsent companion. my gratefulness to the person i can call at the solemn, lonely hours of 2 a.m extends without end. i often only realize the extent of how much is done for me, how much i am cared for and thought for much later after the concurrent situation. i realize i've not been an easy person to be with in the past week, with my unrelenting overthinking and overanalyzing. for all the reassurance, being there-ness, and holding me from falling any lower; thank you.


also to the company i have in college, some who knew what i had went through, some who didn't; all who managed to bring me back up on my feet and into fits of retarded-seal laughter again.

that was the most difficult night of 2013.