because I'm transitioning (part two).

Growing up is a funny thing. Too often we don't notice of all the little changes that happen as we age. Our bodies change, we develop allergies/preference towards certain things, we grow hair and continue growing more hair. Our bones ache and creak.

We also don't fully realize how much personal experiences can be a factor in moulding the way we think and our approach towards similar situations. 

The people who know me well know how soft hearted I used to be. I never voiced out my frustrations, I pent up things inside and the worst of all - I accommodated to people. I thought and sometimes still think that being a chameleon was one of my strengths as a person but one should never blend in to the point of letting go one's own skin. 

I basically let people have their way because I believed in the better side of people. I believed that deep down, people were considerate human beings who thought of one another. I believed that kindness existed deep within every individual.

Well, not that I've been proven wrong. And not that I've met some shit people in life coz it sure sounded like it lol I mean I still believe in the good within people. 

Just not all people.

I've learnt this the hard way from the likes of broken friendships and two-faced bosses. I've cried enough tears for people who didn't deserve it and questioned what sort of lesson God wanted me to learn from embedding such difficult, unavoidable paths in my life.

Time and time again, I believe in the magnificent God who works in ultimately mysterious ways. As there is nothing He gives that you cannot handle. Everyday that I look into the mirror, I have a permanent note on my body reminding me of the adversities I'd had to overcome on my own and if anything, let burned bridges guide you and light your way.

In unfortunate events today, I am reminded of how my approach towards difficult situations have changed due to the past experiences I'd endured. 

I no longer keep frustrations to myself when it comes to conflict with a secondary party. I've realized the importance of being direct and straight forward when necessary and expressing it without pent up anger. I now practice the necessity of confrontation and being verbally clear with boundaries. And most importantly, I no longer feel bad nor pity those who don't deserve my compassion. That sometimes, you have to hurt people because they need to feel the pain.

I've learnt the hard way that not all people deserve kindness because in this big world, the reality is that some human beings are indescribably ignorant and oblivious towards their impenetrable egos. Or worse, they are aware of their flaws but do nothing to improve themselves and continue going about recklessly.

You be too nice,

and the first thing people will do is step all over you.

I grew up seeing this happen to my father, who by all accounts is and was the kindest man I'd ever known - had people take advantage of his beautiful heart and the person at the losing end was no one but him.

To quote one of my favorite phrases although my father was the opposite of this, My father had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they won't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

Be good to everyone, especially towards those who are good to you - once you realize that there are those who are using you to their selfish advantage, you take it back. You show them how human you can be, how angry and how dissatisfied you can be. Emotions are meant to be felt, not stored inside a locked cage. If you can be good, show people that you can be bad as well.


Because not everyone deserves your kindness.

because I'm transitioning.

It's funny how the settings of my environment whenever I sit down to blog, don't change. I'm always seated alone, usually in my home living room or by bedroom window, in the gentle silence of the a.m hour or with the accompaniment of some sort of indie-folk music. a cup of hot green tea not far away from reach.

almost three months since my last blog entry,
I am now writing this as a temporary resident of New Jersey, leaning on the edge of my living room couch with earphones plugged in. television off. two of my housemates quietly engaging in their own little worlds with their earphones on as well. 1:00 a.m. sipping on green tea.

to think that my last temporary travel overseas was the UK and that was with the accompaniment of my mother five years ago. I was 18, still studying, still young and still growing. and that was for 6-7 blissful weeks.

nearly two months ago, I teared to myself as I turned my back towards my family bidding goodbye and walked through the international departure gates of KLIA and boarded on my 23-hour flight alone, transitioning between airports on my own.

I'd never traveled abroad on my own before and indefinitely, the entire process was and still is exhilarating for me. this has been something I've been wanting to do for a long time - to travel while I'm still young. to explore cities that I've read about in books and watched in my favourite television shows and movies. to be exposed to different cultures. to breathe in a different air and be under different clouds.

and now I'm here,
nearly two months into my five month work-and-travel programme.and within the past two months, I have seen and done much despite having a 12-hour work schedule six days a week. a day upon arriving at the JFK International Airport and temporarily staying with a family friend in Brooklyn, I explored New York on my own with two maps in both hands respectively. I still remember how my heart pounded when I got off the subway station and walked into Time Square. and how I bought a hot dog from a truck and sat there, soaking everything in. I remember being too overwhelmed as I stared at working New Yorkers in their black suits and briefcases, beautifully dressed women trying to catch a cab, people having fancy brunches in fancy restaurants, the sounds of drivers cursing at each other, and hot steam evaporating from road works. I stared at endless skyscraper buildings and even more endless roads. I walked through neighbourhoods, hidden alleys, bustling parks. the many times I got lost between streets and directions and the many times that kind strangers helped me.

New York truly is the city that never sleeps.

now, I've been to New York twice and visited Philadelphia. I'd also taken a four-hour, three-bus journey to Atlantic City to catch my one and only Lana live. how I teared as she finally showed up on the stage. waiting for 8 hours and being shoved around in the front row was worth it.


working in a kitchen has proved the need for more muscle and tenacity than most jobs so working 12 to 13 hour shifts have worn out my body in ways I never imagined I could. I get so carried away immersing and adjusting myself into my six-day work routine that I don't realize the routine itself is an experience. I've learned so much about the quintessential American culture and additionally, Latino culture because I work with an entire kitchen of Mexicans.


every now and then, I recall some of the cross-cultural papers I'd read during my time as a Psychology student and it's such an indescribable feeling to see these studies translated into real life as I get the opportunity to have a more holistic understanding of behavior in cultures. It is both humbling and grounding as a human being to experience and notice all the differences that our cultures make of us, and all the similarities that we hold despite of it.

Being alone and on your own in a country so far away from home only reinforces how much more time you spend alone. I often read when it's not busy in the kitchen and I've finished Murakami and now going through Nabokov's Lolita. even as I read both books, I think/thought to myself: I am reading Japanese/Russian literature while being in America! How cool is that! #derptimes


I love being on on my own here. I have always been an independent girl and being able to live on my own here reinforces to me that I can do it. I can live on my own, buy my own groceries, pay my own rent. I've grown close to my four lovely Malaysian housemates, all of which are extroverted introverts on varying levels just like myself. to quote my country's national carrier, journeys are made by the people you travel with. and I cannot agree with that phrase more. and with some of my travels I have done here with them, I am excited to continue traveling with them in two months.


Sleeping alone was a little difficult at first - I've slept next to my sister all my life and I still do so I miss her random banter of things. and being someone who is considerably and unashamedly afraid of the dark does not make things any easier. because of the 12 hour difference between here and back home, I've had the comfort of Simon to Skype with to sleep every now and then. this is a recently graduated, free man so no I am not being a clingy girlfriend :p

Being alone is one thing.

Being in a (wonderful) relationship is another. 

I've always been the sort of person who didn't mind and sometimes prefer doing things alone. being here and traveling alone has been something I've wanted to do for a very long time - but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss the person I love. I don't know if you you the reader la who else have ever experienced the sort of feeling where... you just know that things are better when you are with that specific person.


now forgive me for going all cheesy and Nicholas Sparks but let me clarify it in ways that I can. what I mean when I say that things are better is such that your thoughts are better, the way you perceive things are better, your experiences are better, you as a person are better. and that's what Simon is to me. Being here and being so far away from him has made me realize that I have changed from being the sort of person who held a minutely separate identity and personal time for romantic relationships, to the sort of person who would rather spend all possible time with this person that I am only so lucky to call my best friend, soulmate, my #twinsie for everything, my favourite person on earth, and last but not least - my home. 


indeed it is not time nor experiences that brought about this change within me.
it is him.


so if you were to find or had already found someone that you can actually call all those things (and who can call you by the same things as well) - wouldn't you be feeling the dire weight of separation as much as I am had you been thousands of miles away from home? and by home, I mean the idea of home within a person?


Believe - Mumford & Sons

because some things (and people) should be taken note of.

I am approximately a month away from my five-month trip to the States, which means my 7-month contract at my current workplace will end in the next two weeks or so.

in my tenure of more than six months working as a fresh graduate junior executive, I have learned more than I'd expected to learn from working for an association that lacked a specific management structure and had a questionable constitution. I have cried more than I'd thought I'd cry from having dealt (and still having to deal) with unjust humiliation, unjustified stress load and the constant reminder of mistakes made. but most importantly, I have observed more than I'd thought I'd observe from less-than-significant businessmen who thrive from their position power and how they trick themselves into believing that they are a lot more influential and smart than they really are.


it probably comes with being a Psychology graduate, that I am so interested in understanding how some people are the way they are. I observe the way they view their environment, the way they treat lower-level staff and higher-level VIPs and how large the gap between the both is, how they react in times of pressure, how they react to their own mistakes and the way they displace their anger, the words they use to justify situations  it's like the list of observations don't end.

there is also so much that you can judge just from how one looks and the first impression they give of. 

how they dress, how they present themselves, their level of fitness, how they communicate with first-time business partners, how they communicate with long time business partners, what situations they make a joke out of.


I want to take note of a specific moment today in a meeting where a long-time affiliate partner was called in for what was supposed to be a business discussion. take note that he was made to wait for about an hour before being called in and the original proposal was to discuss the possibilities of securing a deal with lower cost expenditure from our side.


I have worked with this affiliate partner several times - from a professional standpoint and as a personal preference, I enjoy working with individuals who are respectful of others and can handle adverse situations well. he was one of those individuals.


in this particular meeting, I observed a large amount of unscrupulous treatment as several low-level staff like myself saw how he was ridiculed and treated unethically by someone who had been in the association for a much shorter time than he had. right before his unfair treatment, I was ridiculed as well by the same person as he mentioned my name shamelessly countless times in the efforts of trying to shame me.


of course, all my crying aside from previous nasty encounters, I've developed quite a level of thick skin. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't look at him nor did I react. I'd been made numb to his petty enjoyment of blaming all he can on a junior executive like myself.


amidst his wasting of our time, he went on a barrage of talking about things that don't concern the meeting's agenda. as in previous and other meetings, he'd usually stir off into talking about how much time he devotes to his position, how much of it he was doing as a charitable favour to the association, how close to nothing he makes from chairing different events and how everything in the world is wrong and so should be made right, except himself.

'I don't want there to be any finger pointing,'

he said as he forgets the countless times he has pointed his finger not just at me, but to many of my other extremely hardworking colleagues for things within our control.

'I want to have a clear conscience when I leave this position,'

he said as I remembered the countless times I have questioned how people like him sleep at night. 

my ridiculing aside, at least it is justifiable - as he reminds it to us over and over, 'the Executive Council is the Executive Council, the staff are just staff and you do as you are paid'. what I probably couldn't accept is the fact that he was speaking in such a disrespectful manner to someone who's been involved with the association for much longer than he has.


in between instances of keeping my gaze empty, I watched the one-sided argument go down. I looked at my affiliate partner a few times and as he noticed me observing, he gave me a well-meaning eyebrow raise quickly, almost as if he was totally unaffected by the harsh treatment he was receiving.


as the meeting then ended later on, I'd went back to my desk and he walked around our office floor for a bit before heading off. I proceeded to ask him if he was okay, to which he said he was perfectly fine. and then he goes on to say:

"if you are fifty and you do things out of charitable favor, you would be at peace. the true act of charity would involve the sentiment of God and doing it all in favor of Him.

 I saw you, JuYi. I saw you observing.

 you're a smart girl. don't forget that."

sometimes it's not the act of being appreciated that makes a job more fulfilling than it should be. more often than not, I have learnt that it's moreso the idea that you are understood by someone else and the acknowledgement of your state of being human. it is also more gratifying when you come across individuals whose comprehension of situations defy its circumstances.

.... who am I kidding,
I'm just thriving on the fact that he said I was a smart girl.

but really,
not just within a job - in life, there is perhaps nothing greater than being understood by someone else. that even with all your complicated wirings and unexplainable flaws, you are lucky enough to meet someone who somehow manages to understand you almost completely. and maybe it comes with being someone who has a very holistic way of understanding the world despite all the shortcomings headed their way. 


so when you meet these kind of people,
wouldn't you want to take note of them?

because I struggle too.

I think we all know about the stigmas that surround working life. That horrible bosses are everywhere, people are overworked and underpaid, there is no such thing as a fixed hour shift, your efforts go unappreciated (or better yet, scrutinized), you get blamed for things that are not even your fault to begin with, management is fucked upside down, higher ups abuse their power, you work way more than what your original job description states, and the list goes on.


I'm no stranger to all these stigmas. everyone who is already working tells you that all this is normal, and that is a part of entering the adult world. In the same way one prepares for a half marathon, I tried prepping myself mentally to face the possibility of half of these stigmas happening before I applied for the job. You think of the pain you will have to endure, and then you think of all the positive motivation you will tell yourself along the way when things get difficult.

don't give up.

can't give up.
the race goes on.

because what are the odds that your job will throw you ALL these stigmas at one go, right?


exactly.
what are the odds.

there is no point in me talking about the horrible things that go on in my workplace. like how everyone says, it's normal. it happens. deal with it. grow up. plus I don't plan to make a comparison or set some sort of bar for the 'My Job Is Worse Than Yours' topic. not that there should be a comparison between who has the more shitty job anyway.


in the same way I don't believe there should be a comparison between who's had a more difficult time growing up or who has the worst parents. in the same way we've all gone through tough times with our mother and/or father, we even out the playing field. they even out the playing field.


that because, the very reason we even exist is because of them, that they have the right to be obeyed even when the instruction seems overbearing, to be respected even when they disrespect you, and to be understood without questions asked even when they don't make an effort to understand you.


oh that's how parents are.
it's normal.
it happens.
deal with it.
grow up.


as I continue growing up and adjusting into this weird adult world, I find myself questioning: to what extent do we still let our parents have a significant influence in our decisions and thought process? at what age should it stop? can we really separate ourselves from the person that our parents subconsciously want us to be? and if we can, to what point do we consider those actions rebellious or self-indulgent? is there such this as owing our parents the deed of life?


I have come to know of so many people, both new friends and old friends alike, who have given up their dreams, made decisions that went against their will, and chosen paths they did not want to choose just to make their parents happy. I see their lives completely altered from that single option they didn't even want to consider but took anyway because their parents told them to do so.


some ponder back and remember it as a mistake they wish they never made. some accept it, move on, and look for alternative happiness in that new path and new dream that was not even theirs to begin with.


I remember a certain time not too long ago when I'd gotten into a heated argument with my mother. and out of extreme disrespect, I told her that if I had to subject myself to so much of bullshit, I'd rather have not been born. because what is the point of living when I constantly have to adhere to unwritten restrictions and unmentioned plans that I don't agree with?


I know we live in a truly horrible world where wars are still happening. where people don't have a house to live in or enough food to eat. where lives can appear to be as miniscule as the nuclear waste of the bombs that kill them.


but that does not discount the everyday struggles that the average youth in our generation today face when it comes to dealing with our parents who don't agree. because when we are conflicted with the idea of breaking our parents' hearts and dreams for us, we are left with the utilitarian decision of breaking ours. and if they equivalently want us to sacrifice our dreams just so we can fulfill theirs, how is that different from murder?


and isn't that one of our generation's biggest dilemmas of all - the mental struggle? we have to think on behalf of more people now, take into consideration a lot more persons' feelings, think about our future, think about money, think about getting a house, about buying insurance, about paying back our education loan... where does the 'what do I want' fit in? or is that no longer relevant in our growingly hectic mindplace?


I think what is most terrifying is how we are going to treat our future children in the upcoming generation. will we give them that weight of similar responsibility in fulfilling the hopes and dreams that we will have manifested for them? how are we going to allow for our future children to mould themselves when we ourselves have been forced into a mold? can we live with the idea of granting our future children the happiness they want without demonstrating some sort of bitterness?


workplace and home alike, I continuously question my environment and the people who are in it as they continuously challenge my patience and strength. I have cried and struggled enough and sure I might cry again sometime in the near future, but I know that these things will build me up stronger the next time I fall down. and I have to trust my journey because it is my own, no one elses.


Wild - Royal Teeth

a constant ache I can't erase