Happy New Year! **PG13 - Breastfeeding pics!**

Oh...we have SO much to catch up on!

Maternity photo shoot pics! I love this one.

My favorite one.

There are actually quite a few more maternity pics, but I don't want to release them here. I'm looking very forward to having them made into prints and framed. I can't wait to hang some of these beautiful pictures up on our walls, and share them with our family. I never did get around to sharing them before I took a hiatus, so I thought I'd add a few here for your viewing pleasure.

And then...

This is the last picture of me pregnant, ever. 12/30/13. You can tell by my face just how very thrilled I was.

Let me introduce you to Noodle! Isn't she beautiful? She sleeps in little weird positions, like my other kids, which I'm constantly trying to catch on camera. Her eyes are turning blue (I know all newborn eyes are muddy, but hers are beginning to show signs of actually turning blue!), she has dark hair like mine and she nurses like a CHAMP. She truly is a beautiful little baby, not just because she's mine, and she's been a blessing since her arrival.

All 3 of my kiddos. <3

Her newborn pic. She was 6lbs 10oz.

My original intention with this post was to tell the labor and delivery story in all it's graphic glory because I personally love to read those. It's been my intention all along. But after I typed it all out (it took me a couple hours, I'll admit) I decided against it. I know, I know, it surprised me too. So I think I'll just give you the summarized, edited version. Not because I'm too shy to share gory details, but because as I get older, the more protective I'm becoming about those parts of me that are reserved only for true intimacy. No, I'm not talking sexually here, I mean REAL intimacy. I don't even wear my hair down in public because I believe it's best reserved for Mister's eyes only. (It happens a couple times in circumstances beyond my control, but it's very, very rare.) My birth and labor story is no different. There are just parts of me and my life experience that are best reserved for those special few who are included in that intimate part of my life. I apologize to those readers who are disappointed by this, I know I always am when I follow a pregnancy blog and the delivery story is a one liner with a picture. So truly, my apologies.

Mister and I in the hospital after admission, waiting for contractions that never came.. 

My Sissy and I rockin' a selfie waiting on those pesky contractions.

Here is me and Sissy and my little Sis. It was shortly after this that we started Pitocin.

My water broke when we were 40 miles away from civilization. It didn't break with a big gush like it did with my son, but I spent the entire drive down the mountain wondering if I'd just wet my pants and how I was going to explain that to my brother who had to rush to my house from his girlfriend's place. Needless to say, I needn't have worried. When I stood up to switch vehicles for the ride to the hospital, amniotic fluid pooled in my pants pockets. Ick. Ick. Ick. I spent that ride on a dayglo orange rain slicker and an old bath towel. 

I took this picture 5 minutes before my water broke.

 I am proud to say that I did successfully make it all the way through labor and delivery without any pain medications. It took my dream team of Mister and Sissy to get me through, with the occasional help of a glorious nurse, but we did it. I truly didn't think I would. Every single contraction I would scream that I couldn't do it at the top of my lungs, then when the contraction would subside, I would get remotivated to try harder on the next one. This cycle repeated itself for the duration, much to my own embarrassment. But I did it. And I'm really, really proud that I did. It was what I wanted.

I did slap Mister at one point. It may seem like a humorous Hollywood-style moment on the surface, but I assure you it still makes me cry when I think about it. He was being so wonderfully sweet and supportive, truly the best partner, and I lashed out because I couldn't focus enough to stay on top of the pain and I slapped him right across the face. The moment I did it, I started to cry and apologize a million times, but I guarantee you I'll never forgive myself for that transgression. Ever. Lowest moment of my life.

I screamed so loudly that I could be heard on the surgical floor next door. I don't apologize for that. Screaming was the best I could do. As hard as I tried to "blow low" and try to stay quiet, I simply could not. That's how I made it through that pain. I don't regret my loud swearing, either. The F word truly does have power in that moment for me and I said it a billion times at the top of my lungs. *shrug*

In all the research I did on natural childbirth leading up to my own, it was unanimous that pushing brought relief. So when it came time for me to push, I was excited at the opportunity to find relief. Let me go on the record and state: THAT IS A BLATANT LIE, PEOPLE. Pushing is NOT relief. At least, not for this mama! Pushing was the most painful part of the whole process for me. And I was completely out of sync with my body, so halfway through each push my body would take over and push longer than I had breath for, and I was unable to stop it. Leaving me exhausted and out of breath between pushes. I literally had to convince myself each time to try again. Contractions were way, way less painful that pushing.

But that moment...that glorious, mind-blowing moment when Noodle finally breached the exit of the birth canal and slipped slickly and quickly out of my body... Oh, that moment was worth every single painful second I've ever been through in the entirety of my life. I could feel every single centimeter of her leaving me, right down to her toes scraping along the left wall of my vaginal canal. It was truly a gift to me. In that moment I became something higher than a mother, something more primal and successful and completed than a mother. It was nearly animalistic and wholly miraculous. I am so glad I went through everything I did to experience that millisecond. Sincerely, I am. For those mothers out there considering putting themselves through the hell of natural childbirth, I will tell you this: Try your best, because if you can experience the actual BIRTH of the child, really FEEL that little body leaving yours, you truly won't regret any moment of the experience. It is worth it ALL.

And I'm not just waxing poetic. I'd never experienced the physical sensation of birth. The ring of fire sucks worse than I can even explain, contractions are ridiculous, back labor literally made me somewhat homocidal at one point...but the feeling of head, shoulders, hips and toes escaping from that burning pressure is just a true soul-deep joy.

After they took her from me to clean her and I both up, I was lucky to witness the single best moment of my life as a parent. And I don't say that lightly.

This picture was taken just after she was cleaned up, so Noodle is all of 10 minutes old here. Mister was with her while they were dealing with me, and I looked over and saw this. She wasn't crying, she wasn't making a sound. She just looked up at him, eyes locked with the knowledge of familiarity, for nearly 20 minutes while they finished with me. Those two stayed just like that as the world bustled on around them. I was amazed that baby never fussed, didn't want comfort...just stared up at her daddy like she was just as excited to meet him as he was to meet her. I laid there watching that, letting silent tears drip down my face. The power of that moment still catches my breath in my chest. A man and his daughter. Wow!

The clock shows she is 23 minutes old here. Aww!

Noodle and I the morning after she was born.

Oh...I wish that was all the catching up we had to do, but no. Shortly after delivery, Mister and I got started on moving. Yes, you heard that right, we had to move. On Christmas Eve we were told the house we lived in had sold and we had a limited number of days to vacate the premises. So we did. The project started when I was 3 days postpartum. Ugh. It was one of the most demanding things I'd ever done. And honestly, if it wasn't for the help of our family members, we never would've pulled it off. I was simply too overwhelmed and Mister was simply too overworked.

But, here we are in our new apartment, loving it. Sincerely. It's quite a culture shock from the house we were in to this little apartment, but we truly do like this place and are happy about that move. No more people coming in to inspect my life, no more landlord dictating my chore schedule, no more million stairs just to do simple chores... Ah, the relief, people! I do still have stairs, but they're indoors and heated and are going to be a crucial part of my postpartum workout plan! Teehee!

Now, let's talk breastfeeding for a moment...

Super-crunchy mom breastfeeding pic. Pure bliss.

I spent the majority of my pregnancy terrified that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I'd never been successful before and I was convinced by a previous healthcare provider that I'd never be successful and only starve my children and give myself mastitis. Ugh. So, in my usual style, I did a million hours of research and spoke with as many LLL coaches, nurses, lactation specialists and doctors as I possibly could to absorb as much information as possible. By the time I was near delivery, I was determined, but not overly confident.

Let me proudly proclaim that I am not only successful, but Noodle is incredibly healthy and doing wonderfully. She gained nearly 2lbs the first 2 weeks of her life and continues to gain weight and grow right on track. I was lucky that I only dealt with engorgement for 2 days and I was able to navigate through it with a manual handpump and a lot of patience. I cried the first several days, I'll admit it. That first week was horribly painful. And adding that to the pain of a drug-free delivery (I refused to take pain medication during recovery, only taking 1 Vicodin immediately after delivery before they began the stitches.) and I was terribly exhausted...so, the pain of breastfeeding was nearly too much for me. I need to take a moment and give credit to Mister for getting me through that. He'd lovingly sit at my feet, even at 3am for the billionth feeding, and rub my swollen feet and ankles in an attempt to do something that felt good to help distract me from the pain. It was incredibly sweet.

On that note...hell, let me just take a second and really sing his praises:
People, Mister has been the best partner I could've asked for. From dealing with my ridiculous pregnancy, to a constant trail of presents and sweet treats to help get me through, to being constantly there for me during labor and delivery, to staying at my side at every night feeding, rubbing swollen ankles, even more presents and sweet treats, diaper changes so I can lay down flat for just 10 minutes before the next feeding... The list never ends. He's been absolutely amazing. The man deserves a million praises! Just the other day he brought me flowers and cheesecake because he was proud of me. Today he sent me a text telling me how much he loved me and how proud he was that no matter how tired I am, how many endless nights I sleep on the couch with Noodle, I still manage to run the house and keep plugging forward. It's such a gift to be appreciated. The man is amazing.

Anyway...

Needless to say, January has been rather busy! As it draws to a close, I find myself happier than I've been in my entire life, more fulfilled, more motivated, more centered and more loved than I've ever been, too. Not just because of Noodle, but because I finally feel like our family is complete, my heart is where it belongs, and I am truly capable of anything I put my mind to (with the right support system, that is!). My life is truly blessed.

So...what of this blog, you ask? Well, I had an idea the other day while I was feeding Noodle for the thousandth time. I think it's time for me to turn this blog into something more comprehensive than just Noodle's arrival, don't you think? I suppose, then, I officially invite all of you readers to continue to follow this blog and join me on my journey through life as I struggle to reach for the stars with two arms full of children!


Until next time...I'll leave you with more cute pictures of Noodle!

Good morning, Noodle!

Chatting with Noodle during the morning diaper change...

Noodle loves her hat that her Auntie D made her! 

Tick...tick....tick...

Well, this week is #39. Thirty-freaking-nine. I didn't think we'd actually make it to this point. As I'm sitting here writing this, it's dawning on me that I should probably do the big finale post, just in case I go into labor (please, please) before week 40 and I don't have the chance or energy to do it. Right? One can hope, anyway.

Here I am at around 38 weeks with my son, Boo. This was roughly 3 years ago. I started this pregnancy about 20lbs lighter than I did with my current one, and although you can't tell in this photo, my bump was much larger with Boo than it is with Noodle.
You can also see in this picture just how enthusiastic I am to be at work...

For reasons I don't understand, I can't find a picture of me pregnant with my daughter. I wish I could. There's one picture I'd really like to add in here that I just can't find anywhere! Grrr!

Suffice it to say, I was nowhere NEAR as heavy when I was pregnant with her, but my bump was much, much bigger as well. It's as though Noodle is just determined to be more inside than outside.

We can do a quick comparison of this pregnancy, too.

10 weeks

20 weeks

30 weeks

38 weeks

39 weeks

That's a pretty basic run down of the major weeks for Noodle's pregnancy. It's really crazy to look at big jumps like that, isn't it?

Wanna see something even more crazy?

I'm 18 here. This is before I had any kids.

This was mere weeks before I got pregnant with my daughter. 

In this picture, I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my son.

I assure you, I was NOT in these jeans when I was 6 weeks pregnant with Noodle. I started this pregnancy much heavier, but much healthier.

It's this whole idea that gives me motivation through this pregnancy, instead of allowing it to wear me down and tear me down. I'm the heaviest I've ever been right now. Heavier than all the other full-term pregnancy weights, much heavier than non-pregnancy weights...I'm the heaviest I've ever been.

Then I remember I'm a runner. And suddenly, I'm MOTIVATED. I'm using 2014 as my recovery and training year and I'm looking forward to starting to run races again in 2015. I'm also getting excited because I'm the heaviest I've ever been. That means that I'm going to start my training and conditioning from the worst place I've ever started from. I'm hoping that sharing my postpartum training and running will help motivate others out there that are feeling stuck, overwhelmed or depressed by their postpartum journeys. The idea that I might help someone else out there SERIOUSLY motivates me. And instead of fearing my postpartum body, I'm excited by it.

ANYWAY...

I have NO idea how I got to THAT topic *ahem* but let's move on, shall we?

The end of the pregnancy has been just as hard as the other pieces of it. These last few days have been exceptionally challenging, as Mister and I nervously and anxiously await labor to begin. I had my membranes stripped on 12/27, and again on 12/30. Dr John is still hopeful that we can convince Noodle to arrive before my 40 week mark, but I'm beginning to lose hope. Membrane stripping has always been so successful with me that I spent those 3 days between rounds SEVERELY disappointed that I hadn't begun the labor process. Lots of crying, people. Lots of stress.

As of yesterday, I'm still dilated to a large 2/small 3. I'm about 50% effaced, which is frustrating. Noodle is head down and lightly engaged, enough to not worry about a breech turn, but not enough to stimulate my cervix to begin labor. And oddly enough, despite my best efforts and much to Dr. John's surprise, Noodle is STILL in a question-mark position! He is VERY confident that Noodle will turn once fully engaged and I'll still have a successful vaginal delivery, but because Noodle refuses to straighten out and drop, labor is just...teasing me. I have contractions for 30 minutes, then they stop. Then 15 hours later, I have them for 45 minutes, then they stop. I have bloody show, but no progress. I have back labor, but no progress. It's really, really fun.

*ahem* Not.

HOWEVER...the upside is that Mister and I are getting good practice with painful communication still and he's become very, very adept at taking nonverbal cues from me when I'm in pain and has become exceptionally well at responding correctly to come to my aid. I am wildly confident he'll do very well in the labor room when we finally do make it there.

It's ME I'm worried about. I've had my heart SET on a more natural delivery this time, and I still do, but because this painful process has been going on for weeks, robbing me of sleep, rest and comfort all the while, I'm worried that labor itself will overwhelm my pain threshold much sooner than it would had I the opportunity to rest and prepare. Preterm labor for weeks, followed by prelabor for weeks is just...well, it's freaking torture, people. It's TORTURE. And I'm TIRED. And weak. And physically and emotionally exhausted...already. So please, say a prayer, cross your fingers, do whatever and wish me good energy to get through this next step gracefully and successfully..okay?

Which, I suppose, brings me to our next topic:
NO, I'M NOT IN LABOR!


There will be active Facebook updates posted by some of my loved ones during my labor process. Some of you will be called or texted directly when I'm admitted to the hospital, as per your request. I am not the kind of person to go into labor in secret. Too many of you mean too much to me to simply leave you out of the loop. So please, remain seated until the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. I promise, you'll know when I've gone into labor. Thank you for your concern and excitement, but please trust that you'll be informed...

Before I go, I leave you with this:

This is what a real labor coach does, people. This is why my sister and I scare medical staff when one of us is having a child. Not because we're mean, not because we're bitchy or snappy or angry. No, it's because we're THIS. We use humor as pain relief and we're damn good at it!

Wish me luck that these little contractions turn into active labor in a little while, please...
Oh...and Happy New Year, in case I forget.
Until next time...

Christmas Bump!

This week marks 38 weeks, also known as one of the longest weeks ever. Only because I want to be done. I've finally reached that place where I'll be sad not to be pregnant, but I'm so miserable that not being pregnant sounds good too.

Look how big my tummy is!

Also...I can't believe it's Christmas Eve. It's freaking me out a little, I'll be honest. This year has truly flown by.










How Big is Noodle?
Roughly the size of a baby.

Maternity Clothes?
Oh...oh yes. Sometimes I can still get by without them, but it's pretty rare.
These days, however, even my maternity pants keep falling down because Noodle has dropped enough that baby keeps pushing my full panel down off my hips. It's fun! Right?

Stretch Marks?
I really thought I'd make it through this entire pregnancy without a new one, but I didn't. I have one little, itty bitty tiny teensy weensy one. It's kinda cute.

Sleep?
It's very, very hard for me to sleep now. I've spent the last week concentrating VERY HARD on turning Noodle to the optimal birth position and that's been incredibly hard. It also involves being VERY aware of how I'm sleeping. So I've been left sleeping in my bed (which is hard as it is) with minimal pillows  and a GIANT couch pillow between my thighs. However, I also have to turn almost completely over on my tummy, as far as I can, with my left leg straight and my right leg as high as I can get it bent to as near a 90* angle as possible...and after a few hours of sleeping like that my hip goes numb and my shoulder burns and I wake up and have to pee and then settle back into it and my back is on fire and....oh, it's just agony.

Best Moment of the Week?
When Dr. John told us I was progressing and Noodle wasn't as posterior as before and should be in a good birth position if baby will engage where he or she is at now.
All this hard work hasn't been for nothing!

Miss Anything?
Not hurting.
Running.
Sleep.
Peeing like a normal person.

Food Cravings?
I'm back on the apple kick again. Go figure!

Food Aversions?
Anything large, honestly. I don't eat big meals anymore for fear I'll go into labor and throw it all up anyway.

Labor Signs?
Well, I've been losing large pieces of bloody mucus for the last couple days. It's been my experience that is a fairly good sign for me, but usually I lose it all at once, so this is somewhat new to me.
My contractions haven't been painless for awhile, but now they're downright agonizing. Thank goodness I'm only having a few a day!
Multiple soft stools daily. (Yes, this is a sign of impending labor.)
I'm an emotional basket case. I seriously cried the other day and I still have no idea why. Then I saw our maternity pictures and those made me cry. The Christmas tree makes me cry. I cried while watching a stupid sitcom. It's dumb. I cried in the shower last night because I successfully managed to shave my legs.
Yep, I'm a basketcase. And yes, this is a sign of impending labor for me.
Hot flashes.
I've been nauseated today. Just more signs that my body is "clearing out."
Hormone rushes, too.
And I'm so easily hurt right now, it's stupid. Everything hurts my feelings.
OH...and NESTING. I'm a nesting MANIAC today! WOAH.
I'm also anxious and panicky. Oh joy.

Looking Forward To?
Well, right now I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with Mister, my family and my kids when they return from their father's house.
Then I'll be looking forward to membrane stripping on Friday, if I don't go into labor before that. Right now I'm thinking I may go into labor on the 26th, but if not and I end up getting stripped, I think I'll have the baby on the 28th.
But I've been so wrong this whole time...

Random Stuff:
This has been my first experience with OFP (optimal fetal positioning) techniques and I can say it's REALLY REALLY HARD when you're THIS pregnant and you're THIS miserable. I recommend all pregnant women ask their providers for their fetal position in their 30-34 week stretch so there is not only more time to move the baby, but more room. I've been in an absolute PANIC all week trying to get Noodle out of a posterior position and into a more optimal birthing position and it's been hard, hard hard and nerve wracking, too! Please, people, learn more about this if you're pregnant and be aware of it in the beginning. There were a million things I could've been doing throughout my pregnancy to avoid this all together, had I known.

Like I said earlier, I'm into that "I'm done" stage a little bit. I truly didn't think I would be with this pregnancy, and I'm certainly surprised I'm here so quickly, but I am here, nonetheless. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of labor and delivery this time around and I'm saddened that my pregnancy will be over, and this chapter of my life will be closed, but with the back labor, positioning pain, contractions, complications, overall misery and general PAIN...yeah, I'm looking a little forward to moving on to the newborn part.

In the meantime, however, I am trying very hard to enjoy every moment of this Christmas with my kids, family and Mister while still being largely pregnant and a bit more free-handed before our lives settle into a family of 5. The romantic in me is still in love with having a large bump next to a dimly lit Christmas tree and quietly drinking cocoa by the fire with Mister. As hard as these last few days or weeks are on me, I'm still wildly in love with this Christmas with my loved ones. And having Noodle still so close to my heart is just adding to the sappy sentimentality of it all...

On that note, friends and loved ones, Merry Christmas to you and yours. Enjoy every single second, people. All of these moments truly are non-returnable gifts...and my favorite gifts of the season.

Until next time...

Update!

Well, we had an appointment with Dr. John today. It went really well! I've dilated an entire centimeter this week, leaving me at a big 2. My cervix is soft and has begun to efface, but he didn't give me a percentage. And Noodle is super low! However, baby is also not completely turned, so we're still somewhat sunny side up. Dr. John gave us some instructions on stretch positions we can try to encourage Noodle to finish turning. I'll let you know how that goes.

Other than that, things are great. I'm continuing to lose mucus and yesterday it was somewhat brown. Since the appointment this afternoon, my contractions have picked up intensity and it's not comfortable, but it is typical. We talked about membrane stripping and I've consented to allow it after Christmas, but only then. Dr. John readily agreed. We also discussed some of my birth plan details and I'm confident that Dr. John is completely supportive of my decisions, barring complications, of course.

So... Now we wait. I've been told to increase my activity level even more, but I'm somewhat hesitant because we're so close to Christmas and I'd rather not have a Christmas baby or spend Christmas in the maternity ward.

However, I'm in quite a bit of pain now. We may find that my exam irritated my cervix enough as it is and just going to my daughter's concert tonight will throw me over the edge...I can't be totally still just yet...

I'm very excited! Noodle is almost here!

Our next appointment is Monday, so I'll update more then, if not before.

Until then...

37 weeks!

This week marks week #37. For those of you who subscribe to the same GA calendar I do, that means I'm officially FULL TERM.

Yes, pregnancy is counted on a 40 week calendar. But at 37 weeks, we've reached the zone where Noodle has 99.99% chance of being fully and completely developed and totally capable of sustaining life without any medical intervention outside of the womb. Dr. John, as well as most OB/GYN's count 37 weeks as full term because of this.

So shall I!

Now let's remember that Dr. John is very excited to deliver this baby whenever it decides to make it's appearance, and has encouraged us to "feel free" to go into labor whenever I'd like. *laughs* Because we all know how much control we have over that... In other words, Dr. John is in NO WAY concerned if I go into labor at any moment.

Neither, friends, am I. 






I could tell you how big Noodle is these days, but truth is, I don't know. Noodle is big enough to make his or her entrance into this big world any time he or she is ready. I'm estimating that Noodle will be closer to 7lbs than 6lbs and closer to 20" than 18". But honestly, what do I know? I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

Lately I've been pretty torn about how I'm feeling these days. A large part of me is already well under the spell of wanting labor to start NOW. That feeling of being done with pregnancy likes to rear it's ugly head at me fairly regularly. The other part of me is very, very sad. (Complete with late-night crying jags over mounds of chocolate!) I love how safe and protected Noodle is right now and I sincerely don't want Noodle to have to leave that wonderful place in there. I'm sad about not being pregnant anymore, or ever again. I'm sad about never experiencing anymore kicks and hiccups and even the stupid back pain. It's hard to say goodbye to this part of my life. I'm sure my emotional outbursts are fueled heavily by the raging hormones my body is experiencing as we near labor and delivery, but often I find myself daydreaming about how beautiful pregnancy is, how much I love the gift of creating life inside me and how heartbroken I am over it ending very soon.

All of that beautiful, sentimental stuff does, however, take a flying leap out the nearest window as my anxiety builds and all I want is to hold my baby in my arms and kiss Noodle's eyes and look at those incredibly small, exquisite little fingers holding on to mine.

People, it's a battle I'm not going to win. It's going to be over, regardless of me, and I'll be left picking up the pieces of BOTH of these sides of myself. In the meantime, I'm just trying to contain it all from bubbling out of me and onto the innocent people around me!

This last weekend, Mister and I went to his company Christmas party at a local resort. It was marvelous, as it always is. We dressed up pretty (see picture above, although Mister had already removed his tie and jacket!), we socialized with other adults and enjoyed a truly incredibly holiday feast. We even won $100! Our intent was to also spend that time on a sort of "Babymoon." We realized going into that weekend that it was going to be our last weekend out before Noodle came, and we wanted to savor every quiet moment together. I'm not sure what that resulted in for Mister, but speaking for myself, that feeling of subtle loss shadowed the entire experience for me. Every little thing was "the last_____" for me and I was left feeling emptied out and tired by the time we left. We managed to get quite a bit of great sleep (the beds there are INSANELY comfortable) and had some out of this world treats, but as we drove away I couldn't help but feel we'd officially left our life behind and headed toward a whole new part of ourselves completely unknown to us. I want, very much, to feel the sense of adventure that comes from that. I truly do. And I think a part of me sincerely does.

I think a lot of pregnancy blogs out there, and certainly a lot of mothers and fathers, try to consistently wax poetic about the beauty, joy and happiness that comes from a new baby. And friends, there is certainly a lot of it! But I think people are rarely willing or capable to voice the reality that comes with it, too. I'm not talking about the late night feedings, sleepless frustrations and lack of feeling human those first few weeks, goodness knows we've all heard a lot of THOSE stories, too. No, I'm talking about this sense of being completely lost. I have 2 other children and I can say that for me, each and every pregnancy brought out this same sense of being hopelessly lost. I have no idea what's coming. Will Noodle truly be born healthy without any significant challenges, or will we face being parents to a disabled child? How will Mister and I function as parents of a biologically shared child and will the differences we feel because of that change how our other children perceive us? How are we going to function at 2am in 6 weeks postpartum? Will we remain understanding and patient with each other, or will we fall victim to the notoriously destructive postpartum period that actively ravages most couples? And how in the wide, wide world is my heart going to open even further to love another child?

There's no map or compass for these things. There are lots of people out there who sympathize, offer their support and encouragement, tell it like it is and remind constantly that those feelings are normal and safe. And they are. That's all true, friends. But that lingering feeling of the fear of the unknown cannot be swayed by experiences in these matters, advices from friends or quiet support of peers and loved ones. It's still there. It's a big piece of who I am and I struggle with it until each of my children are born, safely, into my arms and then well into the postpartum period. Truth be told, I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy. In fact, I think the fact that I not only think these things consciously, but also emotionally process them, make me somewhat more prepared for what mysterious challenges lie ahead. I just wish more people would voice it, than bottle it up and sell us all the story of the fairytale. It leads a lot of new parents (and hopeful parents) into a world of lies. Having a new baby IS wonderful. It's beautiful and magical and there's truly nothing like it. From conception to delivery, from those first few days until they're grown and having children of their own, I believe having a child is very, very awesome. And beyond all that, when you realize it's your last new adventure and you're almost back to camp from the woods of pregnancy, newborn in your arms, answers in your hands, it's also very...final.

I guess that's enough rambling for now. Don't get the impression that I'm in any way upset, because that's not really the case. I'm so excited for Noodle to make an appearance that I almost can't stand it! I just wanted to take a second to voice the emotional upheaval of a mother at the end of her LAST pregnancy. Because those emotions are very raw and very real and very rarely ever discussed. We can smooth them over with discussions of hardship and babysitters and future date nights, but there will always be a very live, very aching part of me that missing the feeling of my mind, heart and body heavy with child.

And that, friends, is just that. Like it or lump it.

Well, let's get off of THAT deep topic and onto something a bit lighter, yes?

We have another appointment with Dr. John tomorrow and I'm anticipating hearing if I've been progressing or not. After our family had a fight with the flu bug this last weekend, I feel that Noodle has dropped significantly because of the physical exertion from all the vomiting I did, and I'm hoping to have that confirmed. The last few days, I've been dealing with what lots of moms out there call "lightening crotch", where Noodle's head is so low on my cervix that every little wiggle sends a bolt of lightening through my nerves! If I stand up or lift a leg to put my pants on or try to slide my foot into a slipper, this horrible lightening occurs. It makes me gasp outloud and stop in my tracks, too. It's is wildly no fun, but a good sign, I think. On Sunday, I was 90% sure I was in pre-labor, but much to my own dismay, it stopped. I woke up that day feeling "off" and having increasingly significant contractions throughout the day. I wasn't willing to walk in public for very REAL fear of either a membrane rupture or an intense contraction. And I ended the night by walking almost 3 miles downtown in the dark. Which, of course, lead to continuing contractions at 2-4 minute intervals until nearly 4am when I finally fell asleep.

Today is very similar and marked progressive with the presence of other symptoms as well. I've had another increase in cervical mucous discharge and it's increasingly pink. My back pain has become rythmical at times and is accompanied by a severe ache in my upper thighs. (For those of you who are unaware, thigh muscles naturally sympathize with the uterus. So thigh pain is common in the early stages of labor  and in fact, relaxation of the thigh muscles during active labor is one of the more important ways to handle pain tolerance and shorten the active labor phase...just saying...) I've spent the majority of the day feeling very, very strange. (This is a very common symptom in early labor too, usually marking labor within the next 72 hours or so...but there's no scientific way to prove that as each woman's "off" is different than the next.) My entire body tingles with each contraction and the pelvic and cervical pressure is becoming overwhelming as they continue. Contractions are not, however, consistent or increasing at this point. I'm dealing with an increase in bowel movements and emotional upheavals, as well as energy waves that leave me nearly destructively productive, then incredibly fatigued.

To top that all off, my "Mom Alarms" have been going off since Sunday. Today they're blaringly loud, friends.

Now there's no real way for me to say I should be in labor soon, as we all know my labor could still be 3 weeks away. There's no list of symptoms that will help me determine when it will all start. And truth be told, I'm already past my estimated date! But my instincts are telling me it will be sooner rather than later.

Waiting for labor to start is like waiting for a bomb to go off. It's the most miserable part of pregnancy for me. I'm constantly monitoring every little stinking thing and analyzing it for clues to impending labor. I can't wait to pee again without analyzing that experience, too! And sleep...oh sleep...

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I know I didn't do the questions, but I had more on my mind than whether or not I needed more maternity clothes or had new stretch marks.

The answer is NO to both of those, by the way. Tee hee!!

See you soon, friends. Be well!

Oh what a relief it is!

Alright people, I have so many great things to tell you this week. But let's start with a picture of my huge belly.

<--Look at that thing! That's 36 weeks of baby belly. I can't believe it's as big as it is. Although, I'd say it's absolutely a struggle to bend over and reaching my toes is on my Christmas list this year because I can't do it anymore. I can't put on my own shoes or socks and it's nearly impossible for me to lift my legs high enough to even get my pants on by myself anymore. I'm a little worried that I'll be completely naked due to disability by the time this child comes into the world...

My count: 36w3d
Dr. John: 35w6d










I could make you wait until the end of all those questions to read the updates from today's appointment with Dr. John, but truth be told, I'm getting a little sick of those questions and why make you wait? So here's what's up:

Noodle is still head down, and that's great. Noodle has become disengaged, however, since Noodle was engaged 2 weeks ago at 0 station, and is now currently sitting at -2 station and ballotable. (Ballotable means that baby is floating in the amniotic fluid and not positioned firmly in the pelvic bones. This term technically applies to anything freely floating in fluid.) The good part about the baby being ballotable is that Noodle still has the opportunity to turn face down, because currently our lovely Noodle is sunnyside up.

That, friends, makes me anxious. Turn your head, Noodle! Turn your head!!

I do NOT want to go through a sunnyside up labor and delivery, if we can manage it. So please, friends, say your prayers and such to get Noodle engaged correctly.

In other news, I'm still dilated to almost 2cm, and that makes me happy! I'd be very happy to be at 3cm at our next appointment on Wednesday, but we all know that dilation is really just nature's way of messing with a pregnant lady's mind...so, I'll just keep thinking positive about that.

Dr. John said my cervix was still long and he wasn't comfortable assigning an effacement percentage to me, which wildly contradicts Nurse C's assessment of 70% effaced 2 weeks ago. Grr. But I'll take it because honestly, most 3+TM's (moms with more than 2 previous births) don't really efface or engage before active labor. So honestly...it means very little.

We did the Group B swab today, what a wonderful experience that always is, am I right ladies? I've never tested positive for that and I'm not anticipating I will this time, but it'll be a relief to know I don't need the antibiotics during labor.

Needless to say, my contractions have picked up a little since the cervical exam this afternoon. Both in intensity and frequency. I can't tell you how RELIEVED I am to know that if I go into labor RIGHT NOW Noodle is safe and they won't stop the labor. It's been SO stressful to feel a panic at every contraction, every cervical twinge, every painful uterine and vaginal pressure...it's great to know that from this moment, going forward, everything is good and we can just roll with it.

That being said, Dr. John not only lifted all my restrictions, but encouraged me to gently encourage labor going forward. Not just because we all want this pregnancy over, but since it's been so hard on both Noodle and I, he feels that gentle progress would be best. None of us are expecting it to take much to convince my body to just do what it wants, but it's nice to know I can go up the stairs without risking anything, or wear my nipple shields without the fear of preterm labor. He encouraged me to do all of that!

But for those of you who are thinking of asking me about induction, don't bother. I don't believe in medical induction unless it's an emergency situation. And I don't believe in ingesting anything to induce myself, either, so save your stories about castor oil, raspberry tea and primrose oil. I trust my body to do what it needs to do when it's ready and capable of doing so. Truth be told, this pregnancy has been so hard that I honestly believe labor is going to be sooner rather than later and faster rather than slower. The last thing I want to do is rush it! I will allow a membrane strip at 40+ weeks, but only if we make it that far and only if I'm not showing signs of labor beforehand. That's about as induce-y as I get. ;)

(And just so we're all clear, I told Dr. John the same thing. He started talking about induction as early as next week and I told him I don't believe in it, so our conversations regarding techniques will be short and sweet.)

So, basically, here we go, people. It's go time. We've got the green light for me to resume normal activity (as long as I'm resting just so I don't exhaust myself before labor) and a green light for safe labor and delivery at any moment going forward. I can finally do the things I need to do to get ready for breastfeeding without worry of nipple stimulation, and I can even do a load of laundry or two or grocery shop without feeling like I'm the worst mother in the world! Huzzah!

And while you're praying for Noodle to turn his or her head, please also add that I'd prefer to labor and deliver and night instead of the day because I'm very, very familiar with the night staff at my hospital and I'd love to have someone I'm comfortable with rather than a total stranger.

So...you wanna know all those questions now?

How Big is Noodle?
Big enough to come out, that's how big.

Maternity Clothes?
It might sound foolish, but I did buy a new maternity skirt and tee shirt from the Goodwill this week. I figure I'll be in maternity clothes for awhile postpartum, so it'll work for me either way.

Stretch Marks?
No. Mwahahaha!

Sleep?
This answer honestly never changes, does it?
Sleep is terrible. I'm in the middle of HORRIBLE insomnia right now, so I'm falling asleep sometime around 4am and getting up every hour to pee and getting off the couch around 9am.
Yeah...

Best Moment of the Week?
Being told I can resume normal, and possible INCREASED, activity is pretty awesome. And knowing that Noodle is safe if I go into labor is really, really, really awesome.

Miss Anything?
Remember that bending over thing I mentioned earlier?

Food Cravings?
Fresh fruit and juice.
And water.

Food Aversions?
No. None. I'll eat whatever you put in front of me.

Labor Signs?
Contractions continue. And since my cervical exam today, they've become a bit more intense and painful...
Back pain.
Thigh pain.
Vaginal and cervical pressure.
I've lost A LOT of mucous over the last 48 hours. In fact, I lost a large bit of it today at the appointment! Mildly embarrassing...but also encouraging!
Irritability.

Happy or Moody?
Not at all either one. Just an emotional wreck. Every little thing continues to make me cry.

Looking Forward To?
Taking a hot shower in about 20 minutes. My back is ON FIRE.


Well, that's about it.
I'd like to say that I'm still sticking to my prediction of the 16th, which is next Monday...just 5 days from now. I'm sure I'm wrong, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. Especially since I'll be resuming activity between now and then.
I am taking predictions and storing them in my phone, for anyone that wants to participate. I can't say there's a pool, exactly, as there's no real prize for winning except the bragging rights. But I'd love to hear people's predictions just for fun!
(I'd also like to officially say that I think my mom is right on this one...we'll just have to see!)

Have a wonderful week, everyone.
Until next time...

I'm late, I know...

This blog is a little late, and I apologize. I'm finding it harder and harder to get a good belly shot for these things, and if I can't do that, I lose ALL motivation to do it at all.

I guess I'm a bit tired, eh?

Anyway...it's time for an update. Let's get to it, shall we?

I say I'm 35w4d, but the hospital will tell you I'm 35w1d. Against my better judgement, we should start using the hospital's calculations going forward. Not because they're correct, they're not actually, but because the next few days are crucial if I go into labor, and they REFUSE to listen to my GA of 35.4. So if I go back into active labor, they'll try to stop it until I'm 36 weeks according to THEM. You'd think that 4 day difference wouldn't really matter, and it doesn't for most circumstances, but because I've battled PTL fairly heavily for the last couple of weeks, it matters A LOT. I could scream and kick and they'd STILL continue preventative measures until I've reached THEIR standards.

So...yeah.

Anyway you slice it, LOOK HOW HUGE I AM!






How Big is Noodle?
Gianormous. Just...absolutely gianormous.

Maternity Clothes?
As you can see from the picture above, I'm as big as a freakin' truck. HOWEVER...just like that sweater suggests, I'm not ALWAYS in maternity clothes. Usually, but not always.

Stretch Marks?
Nope. I thought I saw one the other day, but no. Still doing alright in that department.

Sleep?
As usual, sleep is a problem. I am suffering from crazy insomnia again, despite my best efforts. And I haven't been able to sleep in bed for weeks. Not only is it easier for me to remain on my side on the couch, but because I wake up to potty so often, I can't navigate the stairs to our bedroom safely anymore. Not only can I not see my feet, but my hips and pelvis are RIDDLED with Relaxin and every  now and then, they decide not to do their jobs and I fall down. So Mister and I decided I'd spend my last few weeks on the couch to be near the bathroom and stay safe.

It seriously sucks, though. Honestly. I miss Mister. :(

Best Moment of the Week?
My baby shower!!

Baby Name Reveal!

After our lipstick competition...

It was a 1940's USO themed shower and it was really great. It was fun to wear the hat and the dress and see friends and family. It was hosted by my sister, my brother, my mother and my mother in law and they all did a truly spectacular job.

Miss Anything?
Running.
Sleeping.
Bending over.
Not hurting.
Working legs/hips/back/pelvis/body.
And regular sized bras. Seriously, mine must be made by an entire team of people and 40 yards of material. Sheesh!

Movement?
Noodle is still quite active, but the movements are very restricted now.
The other night Mister was able to feel Noodle do one of the famous stretches, where Noodle's hands are in my hips and Noodle's feet are in my ribs and Noodle keeps stretching...stretching...stretching...
It was fun to see the look on Mister's face! He now better understands my pain...somewhat.

Food Cravings?
Just FOOD. I can NOT stop eating. It's scary.

Food Aversions?
None. I'll eat whatever. Seriously. Watch your fingers!

Labor Signs?
As usual, I have quite a few labor signs. Hence all the labor..
I've lost quite a bit of mucous the last 3 days. Yesterday it was slightly pink!!
Contractions, contractions and more contractions. Because I have them so much, they don't even pay attention to them at my NST's anymore, unless they're causing me more than usual distress.
*ahem*
Back pain associated with contractions.
Vaginal, rectal and pelvic pressure associated with contractions.
And for the last 48 hours, a general feeling of unease. ALL of my Mom Alarms are going off. This baby is near, people.

Happy or Moody?
Emotional as all heck! I'm an anxious mess and I keep crying over everything.

Looking Forward To?
My next NST. I've only got 2 left. After they're complete, L&D will no longer stop labor.

Random Stuff:
This week Mister and I have packed our hospital bags and I packed Noodle's diaper bag. It's really nice to have that completed. I also completed washing all Noodle's clothes, so we're officially DONE with prep!
The only things left to do are make cloth wipes and cloth wipe solution. I'm not in any hurry, however. Even if Noodle showed up without that ready, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Mister and I have decided that I need to be as near bedrest as possible until 36 weeks, so I'm putting it off until then. After that, I'm going to resume normal activity.
Not that it's been possible, mind you. LOL. Between errands, Christmas prep, running children around, and so on...I've been practically FIGHTING for bedrest status the last couple days. It's been REALLY frustrating, to say the least, but the extra rest I am getting is well worth it.
I'm willing to bet Noodle is officially at +1 station. I could physically FEEL Noodle descend even further into the canal the night before last, and the pressure and change in my contractions since then have only confirmed my suspicions. I am also willing to bet I've dilated more since the last cervical exam. I have a feeling Dr. John will be doing a cervical exam at my next appointment on the 11th, and I'm VERY excited to hear about any progress. If those things haven't changed I'll be very, very surprised.
Speaking of a change in contractions, oh my...how they've changed! I stopped having "painless" Braxton Hicks contractions 2 days ago when Noodle descended. Since then, every single contraction starts in my back and hips, rolls to the front and tends to take my breath away.
I wonder just how tired Noodle is of all these stupid contractions? Because I'm fit to be tied...

Well, until next time, friends...