Mama Wannabe

So I got the dreaded/anticipated follow-up call from Dr. G. I tried very hard not to cry but frankly I couldn’t keep it in. He was very patient and understanding considering.

So he wants us to come in and talk. I think we will do it after the new year. I am not sure how we can afford a fresh IVF but I just can’t give up. At least not yet. I still have Powerball/robbing a bank or two hopes…

I did ask about protocol for this potential IVF and throwing in chromosomal testing. He said it wasn’t unreasonable to do it thanks to my hell of ectopic, blighted ovum and chemical. And he said that we could do the chromosomal as well as PGD. I thought it was one or the other, so we will have to clarify that… But it would be the fresh cycle and then the embies would be frozen and then thawed. He said the new way of freezing results in a 98 percent thaw rate, far better than what our embies were frozen at.

So I do have little embers of hope burning. How we accomplish this, I have yet to figure it out. But knowledge is half the battle right?

Until then, I am trying to enjoy the holidays and be thankful for what I do have. Which is a lot. I just need to remember that more often…

I got the call earlier today from my nurse, my levels fell to 1.1. So, officially, it’s over. I am thankful that i don’t have to be in beta hell but there was just that tiny bit of hope still in me that it was just late late implantation.

My nurse mentioned that Dr. G likely will give me a call Monday. I’m not sure what he can say that he hasn’t before but…

This just sucks.

I thought I would post a quick note to anyone who still had me in their reader and wanted to hear the latest.

I’m back in beta hell.

We just transferred our last two frozen embryos at the end of November. One perfect, one 50 percent reexpanded.

And today I got the beta.

A fucking 5.7.

Instead of my usual 11dpo spotting, I had 12dpo spotting, which started at 9 p.m. And had it off and on since. So while it could be the ever-so-remote-possibility of late implantation… my nurse wasn’t so positive.

And Dr. G called. Said it’s likely a chemical pregnancy.

So I think now I’ve had every kind of horrible pregnant but not pregnant thing happen to me. Ectopic. Blighted Ovum and this.

And it’s not that I can’t get over this, I know I can. I have before. I will. It will take time. Mind you, I’ve spent the day crying on the couch in pjs…

It’s just the thought that this is it. We don’t have the money to do another cycle. And not giving O a sibling. That is what kills me. I’m the oldest of four. Siblings to commiserate with at family gatherings or family vacations. How can I not give him that? It makes me feel so guilty. And yes, we could try naturally but the 50-50 odds of passing on his disease, we just don’t want to do that knowing we could prevent it.

I just hate this. And Saturday I get to go back for another blood draw to see what’s happening. I hate this trying to have hope but knowing likely its for naught.

Mind fuck. My new favorite words.

What a triumphant return to blogging.

Uggh. It just doesn’t get easier.