Mama Wannabe

Sorry for my delay in updating.

To say my weekend has been crazy family drama would be an understatement. I won’t even go into details. But it’s on both sides. My oldest youngest sister and I wonder how our parents can be so fucked up and us relatively normal. It’s just uggh.

As for me, on the pregnancy side of things, I waiver between very excited and terrified.

I’m still not puking or anything and don’t really “feel” pregnant but my two previous pregnancies have been the same way. I’ve got a lovely stuffy nose, sore ta-tas, elevated temp in the morning, veins everywhere, I never want to wake up and I pooped this morning for the first time in three days…

Yet I know the real test is the ultrasound and it’s scares me.

If I hadn’t had my previous two miscarriages, I know I’d be a lot more positive. But it’s not just me – it’s my family too holding their collective breath. I have no reason to think it didn’t work but I’ve gone through two empty ultrasounds. And that pain and devestation is something I would never wish upon anyone. And it haunts me still. I worry about being broken and defective.

But I’m trying to think only positive. Only happy thoughts. It’s hard. And it’s hard to explain it and define it to anyone who hasn’t gone into an ultrasound full of hope only to see nothing but an empty sac in your ute or that little donut shape in your tube. Or both.

Every night I go to bed crossing my fingers and visualizing a crib or two in the spare bedroom. Then I dream of ordering pizza in a shower with Heather Lock.lear and Patr.ick Duff.y as our waiter. WTF?!

So I’m trying to be happy. And look to all the good signs my body is showing me.

And I am trying to be excited and celebrate our wedding anniversary today – three years of marriage, nine of togetherness. And all I want is the belated present of a heartbeat.

I really sound awful don’t I? I’m not as bad as I sound. I just am anxious. And I do get excited when I see my gut. I just really REALLY want this.

REALLY.

The end of next week can’t come soon enough. But then it can wait.

I’m scared of the ultrasound.

I got my progesterone and estrogen levels. They are above where they want them to be. But I want them waaay higher. And it’s not me comparing my numbers to all of you out there. Moreso, it’s me comparing them to my previous failures.

I know every pregnancy is different, etc. But I’d be a lot happier with a progesterone of 120. And I know its different with supps vs. IM shots. But still. I worry. I want them super crazy higher than before.

I wish I was puking.

But I’m not. I have a network of veins, sore boobs and a stuffy nose. The occassional fatigue and not much else.

I’m just scared. And I had a horrible dream I had to have a cerclage at six weeks and then Dale on Top Chef was blaming me for losing the challenge because I’m four months pregnant and lost all sense of taste. It really upset me.

Uggh.

I also started crying at work when I opened up my My.sp.ace to see that a friend of ours is pregnant and due in early October. My hubby said he found out the day of the blighted ovum and didn’t want to tell me then. And then he proceeded not to tell me at all. I get him trying to be sensitive but still. I can’t help feeling like a loser at this.

I just want to see a healthy baby or two next week. It’s all I ask.

This is such hell.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and wishes…

I am doing better after my meltdown on Thursday. It helps too that the spotting has stopped (knock on wood, fingers crossed) and I have only seen prometrium and whatever else white goo seems to be coming out of me. Phew.

But I know I am not going to be able to really relax and actually believe I am pregnant until the ultrasound. I’m scared and nervous and worried.

I want this so badly and I have no reason to think it won’t work but I’ve been there before. So please forgive me for being the whiny worried bitch I will be…

Dr. G called to congratulate me.

Beta #1

282

Oh my god. Can I tell you that I am sooooo over the moon. I was hoping for a stronger number than the blighted ovum. This well exceeds that. Oh my god. And Dr. G tells me this number is consistent with twins.

Oh my god.

I am just hoping for doubling and wonderfulness.

Seriously, I’m shaking. Thank you all for your love and support. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me!