Farm Life

A few weeks ago, my friend Renee Cunnington whom I visit teach told me to bring the girls over for a fun morning (Shelley Hughes is my comp and these women are awesome).  The weather had eased up a bit so we enjoyed an outdoor kind of morning on her farm.  She had new baby goats, tons of cats (a hit with the girls), a very large white dog that scares me every time I come to visit and kept playfully attacking the girls (at first they liked it---way more brave than me.  Sarah would have hated that dog---then after a while they realized how much bigger that dog was than they were), and HORSES!  I have not been on a horse in my whole entire married life (before that I have had two other experiences on a horse---I used to LOVE horses as a teenager.  And now I have become a bit of a wimp).  It was frightening and exhilarating all at the same time.  We honestly just sat on them because they weren't saddled and it was really hard to keep balance.  Mine tried moseying over here and there once it got bored of me and my legs were like rubber after sitting on that thing after five whole minutes.  These animals are kind of amazing.  They are so majestic and strong.  Kind of like me, right?  The girls also really enjoyed sitting on a horse for the first time as well, petting all of the animals and getting some fresh air after a few really cold weeks.  I still have yet to take Renee up on her offer to take us horseback riding.  And I can't wait!  Sometimes I feel like I could really enjoy the farm life.  And then I remember that I would have to wake up at crazy times in the morning to take care of all the animals in the dead of winter and I wonder how often they get snowed in being in the boonies.  Forget going to Costco, your  pathway out is BLOCKED!  Yeah, I am a total city girl.  Maybe I could be a Summer farm girl?  Or three weeks out of the Summer farm girl?  Deal.  The rest would be at a pool.  Or beach.  I'd take both.

More

I did a bad thing yesterday.  I know my blog isn't a confessional usually, but today it is.  The last several weekends I have been driving back and forth to Edmonton for my Musical rehearsals.  It's is exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.  I have found myself taking moments to pause and drink all of this in.  I am so very excited and at times nervous to be putting this on a stage for all to see and judge.  Anywho, I have been asking many favours of people.  Without this team, I would crumble.  I have a production team consisting of a pianist, stage manager and assistant, props people, set makers and painters, costume and make-up/hair team, publicity team, sponsors, and my co-director Jayna who is pretty much teaching me all of this stressful stuff as we go.  And all of these people are doing this out of the kindness of their heart.  Well, one of my friends left her notebook at rehearsal and asked if I could drop it by on my way home yesterday.  It would have added 15 minutes to my already hour and twenty minute drive, so I justified that I was too exhausted to do it.  Plus, I have been trying to learn how to say "no" and simplify my life.  Well.  I felt terrible.  I am a super jerk for asking her to sacrifice hours of her time to be at rehearsals out of the goodness of her heart, and then I can't take 15 minutes to drop off her notebook.  And do you know why she asked this of me?  Because she would have done it for me.  Man.  I have a lot of growing up to do.  I seriously do not feel worthy of her friendship and kindness.  What a small thing to do, and I couldn't do it.  Why not?  Why isn't it in my nature to want to serve and give freely, no matter how convenient or inconvenient?

Well, today at church we had a good lesson on visiting teaching, which is ALL about service and love.  Sometimes I love visiting teaching.  And sometimes it's just plain hard to do.  Why is that?  Well then we sang the closing Hymn, "More Holiness Give Me."  I don't particularly love this Hymn.  It's repetitive and nothing special.  Until today when I listened much closer to the words:

More Holiness give me
More strivings within
More patience in suffering
More sorrow for sin
More faith in my Saviour
More sense of His care
More joy in his service
More purpose in prayer

This is my heart right now.  I am so shallow sometimes and short-sighted.  And sometimes my faith isn't as bright and shiny as I'd like it to be.  I don't always find joy in the thought of doing service until I buckle down and just do it.  Then I love it and feel amazing.  How purposeful are my prayers?  The line that really started to make me cry though was, "More patience in suffering."  I have two sisters and their entire families who have left the church recently.  This is not a secret so I feel like I can write about it.  This change in their choice is very hard for me to process.  Do I still love them?  YES!  That is why this change is so hard.  When you believe something so deeply and the ones you love most choose something else, it is very hard.  The word "suffering" is very accurate.  What I am writing about is not news to my sisters.  They know this is hard for our family, and I know it is hard for them too.  They have to rediscover themselves after a life-time of believing one thing and figure out what they now believe.  They know I will absolutely never stop praying for them (they may not want them, but they're going to get them anyway!).  In my heart I have felt much despair and sorrow.  I cry a lot.  I feel super weighed down.  I know their choices are not my responsibility but I am still saddened (just to clarify, they have not become "bad" people, but I think a lot about life after death and what their choices will mean and ultimately I am grateful that I am not the final judge.  And honestly, I think the Lord is more merciful than we think and some things are not so black and white).  I desperately needed to hear this song today.  I say "hear" because there was NO way I could sing it.  I was bawling way too hard.  I think I know why I was called into Primary as the chorister;  It's so I would be too busy loving the little children to cry about my shortcomings and where I desperately need change and so I wouldn't dwell on the unhappy or hard things about my life.  Ha!  This confessional is a little all over the place, but the point I wanted to get across is that I am grateful that I can change.  I can adapt to undesirable circumstances.  The Lord knows my heart and he knows I am trying.  Some days I am giving my best.  And some days I am not.  But that also makes me grateful for forgiveness that I need daily for being dumb.

I need to be more.  And I can through Christ.