i feel like my creativity has been snuffed out. i crave moments to create, to paint, to let my wings stretch and yet i am completely stifled by my surroundings. have you ever felt that? here i am, sounding completely ungrateful for my circumstances but in reality, i am overly grateful for what i have. just feeling stifled. i live in a beautiful for someone else rental home. it truly is more than i could have asked for in a rental, hard wood floors, tall ceilings, a play area, large kitchen but so much for someone besides myself. i love open spaces, light colors with contrasting shades, minimal lines and classic modern forms. i live in a home of beige. beige walls, beige doors, beige trim, dark slate floors with beige hard woods. every upper cabinet in the kitchen is fronted with glass, as well as the pantry door and the laundry door. and the chandelier in the dining area is grandiose, so much so that tommy bahama has the same fixture in their restaurant. the staircase has an iron rail that weaves in and out of scroll shaped lines. what would i give for a light colored anything! for a splash of unexpected lightness! for a glint of stainless steel, brass or even a nod to contrast! i have been straightening up for over an hour and i can't get past the idea this house has a negative effect on my ability to create. so, my straightening up hasn't amounted to much more than wandering and stacking. cheers house! today you have won! but someday, i dream of having a space that i create full of light, full of life!

miracles

i had the full intention to get up and run this morning. after the hustle of getting the kids ready and out the door and taking carpool to school my body told me to stop. i could feel it in my fingers, i could feel it in my toes i could feel it in my breath and the blinking of my eyes. so, i marched my legs up the stairs, laid down in my bed and thought about everything and nothing all at the same time. i am worn out, physically i'm sore from working out, emotionally i'm spent from tears that are on call to come as soon as needed, spiritually from the pouring out of my soul to my heavenly father and just plain tired from the roller coaster of faith and doubt and sorrow and joy that i have been on. last wednesday we got a call that eric's father was to be rushed into open heart surgery, the outcome of his 10 + hour surgery wasn't known. we were told to come as soon as we could and while on the 6 hour road trip the calls coming to our cell phones were full of doubts, tears and sorrow. i couldn't pray, i couldn't speak, i couldn't process and i don't even know where eric's head was. he just needed to get there. after around 4 hours of driving in the dark i finally found my prayer, i finally knew how to pray in this situation, i found the voice i could talk to my father in heaven with. i asked him for a small grace. a small grace that robert's son could be beside him once more. and then that was it. i didn't know what else to say. just passed midnight las vegas time i dropped eric at the hospital, not knowing any more than that, i turned the car towards my in-laws home to place my sleeping children into beds.
we made the drive thinking we were to plan a funeral the next day. there was blood loss, irreversible damage to organs, old repairs gone awry, too much time under sedation, too much time under a controlled chill, all this as the surgeon tried to repair his damaged heart. what was the outcome to be, what were we to think and hope for as the surgeon relayed the news to my mother in law? he is weak, he may not come back.
the next day came and went as we ticked off the imaginary boxes the surgeon gave us. he is trying to breathe over the ventilator, check, he is wiggling his toes, check, he is wiggling his fingers, check, his bleeding has been controlled, check. we made our way to his recovery room, level two, cardiac icu. he laid there swollen from the fluids that were being pumped into his body to save his life and we gathered and talked over him, held his hands, touched his feet, watched in heart ache as this man we all love struggled to come back to us.
we had a good day, he was responsive, he spoke in a raspy growl that the tube of the ventilator had left him, and told us of his love for us. he held georgia's hand, dylan's hand and andrew's hand and expressed his love for them. it was more than any of us had hoped for. a miracle, a beautiful moment of grace for those who weren't ready to say goodbye. so much hope and love filled room 223, so much more than we had thought possible just a few days before.
we had some bad days. bleeding again, loss of blood pressure, he was so tired, his lungs didn't want to fill with air, his kidneys are now failing. the family gathered and the boys stood around their father to administer a blessing through the priesthood power which all of them hold. a blessing of comfort, a small promise if we just kept our faith. what kind of faith would we need? the kind of faith to say goodbye? that it is his time to join his father in heaven? or is it the faith that brings power, that creates miracles? we all fell to our knees that night, unbeknownst to one another we silently poured our souls to our loving heavenly father. i couldn't leave that day, it was monday. robert still laid on his hospital bed now with the threat of pneumonia his head was engulfed in a mask which helped him breathe. his eyes fluttered and there was some response to voice but he was not there with us. he was fighting a battle of his own, to stay or to go. i laid with dylan that night and asked him if he could speak to the angels for me. he said yes. i asked him if he could ask them to ask heavenly father to help grandpa. he shook his head, i asked him where the angels were, he made a circle with his small hand in the air. the spirit of comfort i felt at that moment was a witness to me he was right.
tuesday met us with a phone call. he was rested, the dialysis had cleared his blood and body of toxins and he was breathing on his own. we rushed to get ready for the day, and packed up the car. i was taking the children back to las vegas, back to school, soccer, singing and a normal routine. we received a text from justin, he's sitting up, telling jokes! we got the kids in the car and up to the second floor as soon as we could. and there he was, sitting up and he smiled when he saw the children enter the room. we were quickly shooed out of the room as they needed to preform some tests and administer some medicine but the feeling in the waiting room was one of anticipation, even the kids felt it and were jumping around.

 eric and dylan leaving the hospital after visiting grandpa

eric and i at robert's bedside, photo taken by the 2yr old dylan

we have been given a miracle. we walked into the room and spent the next hour talking, listening, holding and crying together. i left from the hospital with tears of gratitude and love. those tears come freely now as we continue to pray with faith as robert stays at the hospital and continues to tick of more of those imaginary boxes the surgeon keeps giving us. by no means has this battle been won, but our prayers have been answered, we have been given more time with a father, grandfather and father in law whom we love dearly. eric is still in utah and has been spending most of the time at his father's side. even in this time of sadness, when we all have been frightened at the prospects that lay before us, we have been blessed. prayers have been heard. i come away from this week with renewed faith, with more trust in my heavenly father and the sure knowledge that the most important thing in this life isn't what most of us get distracted with, it is love and family and our relationships with each other. i couldn't possibly count the times i heard the phrase-i love you- this week, and that is pretty amazing.

floods

do you ever just need to break down? like go for a drive and let the tears fall? after i took georgia to her doctor's appointment yesterday i needed a moment. a moment to let it all come out without her seeing how disappointed and overwhelmed i was. so i left the house on an errand to get bread and sat in my car letting my emotions overcome me, working and sorting them out as they flooded my consciousness. not that it was a particularly bad day, not that it was particularly sad news from the doctor, just not what i wanted to hear. her poor little leg, trapped in that blasted cast for the past 8 weeks was still not completely healed. i held her shriveled up, alligator skinned smelly leg in my hands as the doctor was showing me her x-ray. you see, little ones are supposed to heal fast, she is a very slow healer. i suppose it was the drop in my already too full bucket that made everything spill out. i was in shock and lost in a moment of sadness so we left the office, i carried her to the orthopedic office downstairs and fitted her scrawny leg into a knee immobilizing brace and left for home. so much on my mind so many emotions to sort through and i had to leave. so i did. and i wound up in the parking lot of the bakery tears streaming down my cheeks working it all out. so much has hit us this last year, so much that when i think of it all i can't believe my family and i are still functioning. i feel weak, drained, and so very overwhelmed. i can't imagine how people who are struggling with much more than i am are still able to function. i am to the point where it is my little family and everything else is suffering somewhat. i suppose that is where my energy needs to be. to provide that safe haven for my children while the world and all of it's trials are knocking at the front door, the back door, the garage door and every window of the house. unbelievable to me is that after this breakdown i feel relief. i feel i can face whatever else may come. i feel like i can face what i am staring at right now. i held my little girl last night after we had soaked her leg in the bath for the first time in 8 weeks. she was so happy, so beautiful and so unchanged by her own trials of a broken leg and i felt the hope, and joy that was seeping from her soul into mine. our heavenly father loves us and is watching out for us and allows us beautiful moments in our turmoil that strengthen us so we can move past the minutes of our lives where we feel we need to break. i know this time will pass, that we will feel the peace we had before everything decided to change. i know this because i have faith. and now, i am going to find joy. we are promised joy, so, instead of letting my mind land on the trials i am going to look for the joy.

i love valentine's day. i love wearing red and pink, having pink heart pancakes, heart shaped sandwiches and dinner ala red. it's a holiday to celebrate love, how could it get any better! i love spoiling my kids and making them giggle as they open their lunch in front of school mates. you better believe everything in that lunch box was some shade of red with a big paper heart on top to remind them how much they are loved. andrew told me his friends couldn't figure out why his turkey sandwich was a big heart. how fun. so, pull someone close and give them loves, hugs and kisses and be generous with it all! there is no better way to spoil someone than with all of your heart!

oreo's for babies?

dear dylan, you are probably one of my most favorite people ever. period. you have such a way about you that people fall in love with you after only a few moments of knowing you. i am having such a wonderful time learning all about you and seeing you grow into this little person who has his own thoughts and who does his own thing. tonight you went beyond and had me giggling like crazy! so, as i was cleaning the kitchen from dinner i turned on your shows and you started singing and dancing and coming back into the kitchen to tell me all about it. super cute as you were, i finished wiping the counters and took a break to check up on some texts and emails that needed attention. i heard your show ending and your familiar footsteps coming to find me. when you finally found me in the office, you had a huge grin on your face and a mess of something all over your mouth. i asked what you had been into and you just shrugged, tilted your head to the right and with a big smile said "nono." your version of i don't know. so, i asked you to show me so i followed your hop/skip/run into the family room and you showed me. i was completely impressed! not only had you scouted the oreo snack box i bought at target today and hid in the pantry, but somehow you managed to rip into the side of it, pull out a package of cookies, open the cookies and yes, you ate all 6. with hardly a crumb on the floor i might add! i asked you if you had eaten an oreo and you flatly told me no! then i asked if you had some cookies. you smiled and batted your eyelashes and answered yes with an energetic nod of the head. you are so stinking cute! even though i wanted to scold you for eating six cookies i just couldn't, especially with how proud you were of the task you had preformed. good thing your dinner was mostly broccoli and strawberries! i love that i get to be your mother, i love that i get to be a part of your life! here's to oreo cookies!

thank you?

gratitude is a state of being. it is a place we reach when we think about our station in life, when we think of our health, our family, our friends. the knowledge we have of the gospel of jesus christ, the simple beauty of the world around us, and the giggle of our children all bring a grateful state. but, so much of the time we are found lacking gratitude. lacking in thought of being full of gratitude. forgetting to say thank you. we all have been there and when we realize this, it is time to hit our knees. it is a humbling time for us, to let our father in heaven know we haven't forgotten, we haven't lost that thank you word from our vocabulary. and then we look around us and our hearts are filled with love for what we have, what has been given us by our heavenly father, our family and our friends. take a moment today to tell someone how grateful you are for them, for what they do for you, how they make you feel and how they have changed your life. the most important part of celebrating christmas and thanksgiving, after all, is to count our blessings and turn around and bless those who may not have as much. so for those who may read this, know you were in my thoughts as i posted this note, my family, my friends and those who have come and gone from my life and have left life changing impressions. today, i am grateful.

november is here

i love days like today. a day where my time at home is far more than my time racing in the car. i spent the morning with dylan doing tasks around the house and now i feel so accomplished! my mountain of laundry has been folded and put away and i can now walk on my floor without stepping on whatever dylan was eating! a small storm moved through the desert today. cooled the air to a crisp and gave us enough rain to chill my children's bones! they are so used to mild weather that feeling fall sent them running for the house. i met them at the door after school and welcomed them and a couple of friends in with warm cookies (thanks to my nieces fund raiser). the afternoon unfolded a lot of giggling, ghost stories, head bandz and running around. i am so thankful for this neighborhood. it has made a stupid situation so much better. i truly appreciate our good friends and the chance we have to live by them now. it is quiet and peaceful now, the children are fed and in their pjs, the dryer is slowly humming, the dishes are put away and my 3 are sitting on the couch giggling at cartoons. the rain is still coming down, it is quite cozy and warm inside and my mrs. meyers orange clove candle has overtaken the house with the smell of fall. i love november. it's always the calm before the storm of christmas and new years and i love every minute of it.