My Plans Aren't the Lord's Plans

I started working full-time not long after Harris and I got married. It was the first real full-time job I'd had. This job was not awesome. It was made less awesome due to the fact that I'd just been told I didn't get my dream job. It was a dream job I never knew was my dream until I applied for it. It combined my loves, passions, talents and would pay me for them. This dream job was to be the events coordinator for a music school. This music school had ties to Julliard (the only school in Utah that did Julliard-approved auditions), events with big names in the music biz and used every talent I'd worked up in my 21 1/2 years of living. I applied, the guys who interviewed me told them I was more qualified than any other person they'd interviewed and I left ecstatic that I was going to be working in my dream job so early in life.

Then I never heard from them.

I had to apply for another job because we needed to survive while Harris was attending school full time and I reluctantly accepted a job from a company that was fine to work for but wasn't the tiniest smidgen of the other place. Devastated I called the music school to find out what was happening with my application. They informed me I had not been selected (queue crushing heart) and I felt a small ounce of gratitude that I'd accepted the less than worthy job as it was better than having no job. A few months after being in my less-than-worthy job I checked out the music school online to see how well my dreams were living without me, and, to my surprise, I found an answer to my prayers of why.

The school had closed down.

Funding, among other things, had led to the school shutting down.

I was so sad for them and the amazing organization they'd created but thankful that Heavenly Father had known what was best for me even when it hurt to get the answer. 

Back in August of 2014 I returned to the workforce full-time after being a SAHM for 1 whole year. I loved being a SAHM. Now that, was my dream job. The pay was satisfactory but the people I worked with I loved more than life. I got to do activities that made all of us happy, watch my girls grow up and have a house with every nook and cranny clean. Then Harris was promised a job at his work, put in all the work to show them how he would transform the position, and they liked his vision so much they gave the job to someone else and all the work Harris had put into it. That was the last, of many, straws and I was offered a job at my old company (not the less-than-worthy place, this one came after that) at a higher level than I was previously and told Harris he could stay home and I'd work. I didn't mind returning to work on two conditions

1) Harris stays home with our girls. If I couldn't have my dream job, at least it could be taken by my dream man

2) Harris finds what he loves, and finds a way to do it. I didn't care if he didn't get paid for it, I wanted him to live his dream. I didn't want him doing odd jobs to make money I wanted him focused on the big picture: what would make him happy in life. We need to LIVE not just get by.

I gave him a timeline of two years to figure out what he wanted to do. It's now been almost 3 years and things are going well at work for me and Harris has found a way to "work" on something he loves - hanging out with his friends and being silly. It makes him happy and hopefully helps him make money in the future but in all of this I've had to re-learn lessons about my abilities and God's plan for me.

• I've learned to become more fluid with my own plans because there are times I've placed every egg in the "Plan A" basket only to realize "Plan W" is what actually happened. 
• If I don't write down the struggles I go through, each new struggle I come up against I perceive as the hardest thing I've ever done because once I overcome an obstacle, I forget about it. I've forgotten we were stressing about Harris applying for an Executive Assistant for BYU's Football team because it didn't happen. I forgot that one crappy day, or even week, I had was a tiny drop in the ocean. Writing things down helps me reflect and put into perspective any of my current struggles.
• Consistency and upping my performance is an old struggle I've newly discovered. I've realized that there are many times in my life, physically, spiritually, academically where at the start of a journey my natural talent for something propels me to be pretty good quickly. Eventually the hard work of the others around me catches up to me and I keep putting in the same limited amount of effort I was putting in previously but not progressing. Shortly after the others overtake me and I'm left not far from where I began because it got hard and I had to keep going and didn't always see results so I stopped pushing. 

Life's current battles include physical goals (working out and eating healthy), spiritual goals (consistent scripture study and prayer), marital goals (being nicer to my husband) and the biggest piece for me are work goals. Work is hard right now. In ways that I'm not used to. Usually when work got hard, I worked harder and got through it. My current struggle requires that I work smarter and see the fruits of my labors in ways I don't usually. The results aren't statistical, the relationships aren't changing drastically nor is there praise close by. A lot of what's happening is a coordinated dance with a lot of moving pieces. The rules have changed and the games I'm used to playing aren't even in the building right now. The weak part of me wants to run away. It wants to go back to something "easy", or even something shiny and new. It wants a novelty to get through but I have to dig in and really think about how each action works. I have to work hard at not being reactive and.....I've gone down the rabbit hole of ambiguity.

I think my point is to say that life, and ultimately God, have plans far outside my map. The bigger picture is a real thing and it's more than my planning mind can handle. What I need to do is stay out of my own way and keep working with the objective of progression.

Also...I'm thinking about moving to Australia. Cause, why not?!

HA!

Soooooo......

I ended up in the ER at 3am the morning of the 15th.

What. An. Answer.

I woke up at 2:30 in pain that got worse until I couldn't breath. I woke Harris up and he watched me while I struggled to breath and freaked out then woke up our 3 girls and drove us to the ER. At 3am nobody else is waiting so we got in quickly, got setup in a room and I told the Dr what was wrong. They took some blood, gave me some pain meds which helped a lot, then sent me off to get an ultrasound.

Diagnosis?

Gallstones.

Also, I have to get my gallbladder out.

Now, it may not be apparent but I'm on the side of natural medicine. I would rather try natural remedies to fix things as they like to deal with the causes rather than the symptoms. And stopping the symptoms doesn't stop the problem from happening again, it just stops the bad from showing. However, by the time illness like this kicks in the causes began so long ago it's hard to stop it quickly like you need. But getting an organ removed is the ultimate symptom-reliever. You won't get gallstones if you don't have a gallbladder. I also won't have the benefits, short-term and long-term, of a gallbladder if I get it taken out. 

So I looked into what causes issues with the gallbladder (diet, genetics....God HA) and the functions of the gallbladder (store bile to break down chemicals in the blood - one of the hardest being fat) and have decided that I'd do a cleanse (a disgusting one at that), and work on improving my diet. Things improved the next day and I've been feeling better every day since - apart from that disgusting cleanse; that just wrecked me but hopefully helped get rid of the gallstones. I'm working on strengthening my gallstone with the help of supplements but ultimately will need to keep a better diet long term.

It looks like flying to NZ is out of the question, unless some amazing deal comes up because I spent any money that could've gone to a ticket on a special visit to the ER. I wish I would've gotten that attack a day earlier when I submitted mine and Teuila's applications for passports and paid $60 EACH to get them expedited. At least I know I tried to get to NZ and exercised as much faith as possible. But, I'm happy to not be leaving my other girls and Harris behind - bring on the even cheaper tickets for us to go to NZ another time as a family!

Changers and Answers

I would say my life has been relatively easy. I have two loving, living, married parents. I have siblings who I get along very well with. I have a husband who loves me, loves our kids and has even been a stay-at-home-dad for the last year +. I have very healthy, happy children. But there are small events that, though not traumatic, have helped shape me into the knower, believer and skeptic I am today.

Each of these events begins similarly.

The Changer
This occurs when I have to make a choice which will most certainly change the direction of my life. 

Moving to Hawaii for School

Moving back to Utah to get married

Having Harris quit work and stay home and me return to work from being a SAHM

and the less dramatic

Sending Harris to Hawaii to see his mum right before she died

Going to New Zealand with Kiki for my grandma's unveiling

and the most recent

Going to New Zealand with Teuila to visit with my Grandmother before she dies

The Decision

With each of these "changers" I initially scoffed at them as valid options because they contradicted my current, just-fine path and seemed like irrelevant questions. 

Why would I leave a good paying job to go to school where I had no family near, no direction and no money to support it?

Why would I move to Utah to stop going to school, have no job and move back in with my parents? Aren't those steps back?

Why would our bread winner, the Provider/Presider/Priesthood Holder, and me, the nurturer/child bearer switch places? That's against the direction of God.

continuing with the less dramatic

Why spend money when we're going to have to go back shortly for her funeral?
Why go back when I just went a year ago for Grandma's funeral? It's not like there's any occasion

and again, the most recent

Why go back for a non-occasion when I can't take my whole family? We can't really afford it and we don't even have passports. 

The Test

This is when the changer and the decision have caused me to doubt both sides of the argument so I present it to the Lord to see which one is right, or more importantly, best. This part of the event usually comes with an "if you want me to do this..." statement and "I need an answer by..." timeline. 

I haven't heard from BYU-Hawaii since I applied 5 months ago - I'll just go to school here in New Zealand. If you want me to go I need to hear from them before school registration in 1 week.

The new semester is about to start in two weeks, I have to sell my room contract and be progressing - so attending school - and I need to buy an affordable plane ticket to get there in time for school. I need a definitive answer by tomorrow

the less dramatic testing

Since Harris thinks we can't afford this, and he needs to see his mother, I need him to receive the answer by Wednesday

I can only afford $1,000 tickets if I need to go home, I have to find one at that price after my next paycheck or I can't go

and the more recent

Paying to expedite passports is more than $300, I don't have PTO to use and I really can't afford to go home after buying a new home, buying a new car, giving birth and paying those medical bills. There needs to be enough money to pay for this ticket without putting my family even more in the hole by the 15th when ticket prices go up

The Answer

Heavenly Father pulls through for me and these events I've described happen with minimal casualties and maximum results. The deadline I've given arrives and the answer is provided without a doubt.
An acceptance letter arrived from BYU-Hawaii with no prior word from them telling me I'd been accepted for the semester beginning in one month. 
I got a call during my lunch the next day where the Academic Advisor told me of their half block, full credit classes they offer even though the semester already began but these classes don't begin for another 3 weeks, housing didn't require me to sell my contract like they usually do and my mum found a one way ticket to Vegas from Hawaii that left in 3 days (so my dorm room could be occupied in time for school by an incoming student) which only cost $150 and it arrived two hours after the Kahuku football game Harris was in St George for finished so he could drive down and pick me up.
the less dramatic but answered questions
Our brother-in-law bought Harris' ticket to Hawaii on points so he went for free
Tickets showed up for $900 for me and 3 year old Kiki from LAX to Auckland on pay day and I was able to use credit card rewards for a free ticket from SLC to LAX
the more recent one's deadline is tomorrow.

watch this space

Life with three little ladies

I was reading through my journal last night about my feelings upon finding out I was pregnant. I was mostly scared about things given my rough second go around with Mia and I didn't want to be pregnant. The worst part being the pregnancy sickness. 

And I was right.

That sucked the most. Sucked balls really. I was throwing up 6-8 times a day for 24 weeks, and then I'd become so dehydrated I got at least 5 IV treatments in one month. Then towards the end my midwife ordered blood work done only to reveal my iron was severely low due to a genetic disorder (thanks Moira) and I was ordered to have 6 iron transfusions.

"Next time we'll start those at the beginning" she said.

HA! There will be no next time.

Then I gave birth.

Birth wasn't easy or anything. But it was doable, shorter than last time and recovery was better. Except for the after birth contractions. Those things SUCK. Apparently they get worse with every consequent baby so there's that to not look forward to.

It was life after birth with my third baby that happened. This post-partum phase was amazing. Actual, legitimate bliss. I've never felt so much adoration to be honest. And that's not just towards Teuila, but towards all 3 of my girls. I just love them so much my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest.

Seriously? Seriously.

It's not like she's this amazingly easy baby either. But she is pretty amazing, and has some amazing habits. She's been sleeping through the night (at least 8 hours) every night since she was 5 weeks and 4 days old. She did it all by herself and has kept it up. I don't even have to rock her to sleep or nurse her to sleep. I do nurse her right before bed but as soon as she's done I burp her, then lay her down and leave the room. She stays awake for a few minutes by herself then drifts off to sleep. I stare at her while she's asleep. I stare at her when she's awake. I laugh at her sisters' smothering. Mia's sweet "awwwww my baby!" Kiki's first person she says hi to when she gets home from school. She loves being talked to and has the sweetest coos back. At least they're sweet to me. Her favorite thing to do is stare at ceiling fans (aka Fanny) and smile and talk to them. She gets a sore tummy a lot because I'm pretty sure my let down is a bit strong for her but she LOVES to have a bath and hates it when she's taken out and has the sweetest little shivers after her baths. She hates it when the car stops when she's awake but is really good at sleeping in her car seat. It stinks that car seats are unsafe for babies to sleep in cause if we leave her in her car seat for a couple of hours she'll nap the entire time.

So, it's not like I got this easy child that makes loving her easy. But I do credit a lot of my bad experience with Mia to my happiness with Teuila. 

Because of how bad things were with Mia I had low expectations. I expected her to be a terrible sleeper until 5 months when I finally had to sleep train her (didn't happen), I expected exhausting cluster feeds at 2, 4 and 6 weeks (also didn't happen), I expected to grudgingly get through the early phases until she could sit up and eat regular food (loving each phase she's in and hating that she's growing up so fast), and I expected to be stressed about pumping and producing enough milk for her (I've got about 100 oz of frozen milk at home and pump almost twice as much at work as she drinks at home). 

Since I had such low expectations, I'm exceeding them and ending up proud of how well I'm doing mentally. I'm not stressed so things are going well. I don't have any expectations about what our baby should/shouldn't do and am pleasantly surprised when things are going well. I nurse as she wants, cuddle her, love her and in return I've got a sweet baby. And THAT, is where I failed Mia. I had all these expectations of what she "should" be doing, when she should be doing it and how she and I should be together. I set us up for failure when I was looking for items to check off my list.

To baby Mia bear I apologize. But I'm grateful for those experiences because they helped me figure out what DOES work. Also, for the very first time in my entire life, I'm baby hungry! I just want my baby to stay a baby forever so I can cuddle her, nurture her, help and watch her grow and just be everything she needs. I want all 3 of my girls to know they're enough as they are. But they'll need to keep growing, developing and improving because that's how you move forward in life.

I feel like a legit mother now that I've got 3 kids. We're a family of FIVE! We have more kids than adults. We can't fit anyone else in a car now and because of that, we got a van.

A VAN.

I'm so ashamed. And admittedly vain. I get embarrassed to sometimes drive it but it's way more comfortable than our other car (that almost has 200k miles on it), it has a TV to occupy our girls on long trips *anything over 45 mins, or late ate night*, it's easy to get 3 kids in and out, the doors close automatically as does the trunk - it's just easy.

Life with 3 kids is amazing. I love it. It's not easy but it's not hard either. I didn't think I could fall in love with my baby this soon, or this much. I didn't think I could love Kiki and Mia even more but I do. A smothering-over-the-top kinda love. Those girls are what our family needed and they're the biggest joy.

I love you girls.

Birth story - third time's a charm

July 25th was my due date. And that date came and went with no sign, or contractions, of labor. We'd finally received our keys at 4:30pm on the 21st (complete with sparkling cider, poppers and cheers all provided by our realtor) and proceeded with the work we'd had scheduled, and rescheduled, so we could move in ASAP. 

Me at 30 weeks (left) and 39 weeks + 5 days (right)

All the work was finally completed on the 28th, 3 days past my due date, and we spent our first night in our home as unpacked as a 10 month pregnant woman and exhausted, overworked husband could get. The next morning while getting ready to shower I lost my mucus plug. Mild contractions started but were about 2 hours apart. I'd had contractions off and on all week and since we'd finally moved into our house I figured I should help things along. I walked a lot, kept moving in our stuff, and texted my mum who was at my sister's (a 5 minute walk from my house) to let her know what was going on. She's been present at my other 2 labors and had come over from New Zealand for this one. I had planned to go into labor in the morning so I'd be well rested for it and I could have my baby by the afternoon and life would be dandy. My midwife was fine with me waiting and I had an appointment on the 31st with her which, if I hadn't had my baby by then, I would probably get an induction. As the day progressed, but my contractions never got much closer I figured this would be the same as every other day where my contractions died down at night and I'd awake the next morning definitely ready to have the baby. Harris and I went shopping just to find air conditioned places for me to walk around and the contractions died down. By now it was late afternoon and, while I wanted to keep walking, I didn't want to go into full blown labor in the middle of the night. That wasn't the plan! I needed some rest, especially after all the moving and achiness of being so pregnant. I decided it was time to let the baby out and went for a 3 mile walk around 6pm that night. I had contractions during the walk, about 20 minutes apart, so nothing to call the midwife about, but definitely closer than any other time so I knew my body was getting ready. 

By the time me, Harris and the girls got home that night it was 10pm. I had a nice soak in our tub and got ready for bed. Kiki and Mia wanted to sleep with us since it was a new house and a bit scary for them but I just needed space so I told them to sleep in my bed with Harris and I'd sleep in the guest bedroom where I could focus on getting through the contractions. I jumped, or rolled/flopped, into bed exhausted. I'd walked about 6 miles that day, at 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant after moving for the last few days and was finally ready to rest. I bargained with the Lord saying I'd be ready to focus on this baby and nothing else first thing in the morning if I could just get a good night's sleep.
I was in bed for about 15 minutes and had 3 contractions when I knew I wasn't getting any sleep tonight. I called out to Harris and told him we'd better go to the hospital so we'd need to drop our girls off at my sisters and pick up my mum then go. I text my mum to let her know we'd be over and to let my sister know we'd be dropping the girls off in a few minutes. After that I called my midwife to let her know I was heading into the hospital. My heart hurt for my two "babies", especially my youngest, who were already unsettled in our house and it was almost 11pm and all they wanted to do was sleep with me or their dad. They both started crying and when we got to my sister's house they were in full on hysterics. I hated to leave them there in that state, and leave my sister with my crying children but there wasn't anything I could do. I shut the front door and tried to ignore it and focus on breathing through the contractions. My midwife had left a voicemail while I was at my sister's saying she was at another birth at a different hospital 20 minutes away but had called the Doctor to be there for me in case she didn't make it.

*Side note*

I'd been with this midwife my entire pregnancy, but our Doctor's office has another midwife and the two of them rotate weeks to accommodate the births. When I had Mia I had a midwife I'd never met before and she was wonderful and labor was great. 5 weeks before I was due the other midwife in the office broke her collarbone and arm and was out for 10 weeks so my midwife was attending all the births. I considered that a blessing as she knew my history (severe iron deficiency resulting in 5 iron transfusions, B12 infusions and genetic testing to discover I had thalassemia causing nerve damage on top of the anemia I've had since I was 15) and I was comfortable with her.

*Back to birth story*

I was a little bummed out she probably wouldn't make it for my labor given the other labor she was at wasn't finished and she wasn't exactly close but knew that with my mum there I'd ultimately be alright. We got to the hospital around 11:30pm and I gave the front desk my information, thankfully my midwife had already called ahead to let them know I was heading in and they put me in triage to see if I was in labor. I got undressed in the bathroom, put on the hideous hospital robe and sat on the bed talking to my mum and husband. The nurse came back in and checked me and I was at a 6! My water hadn't broken (thankfully) but I did test positive for Strep B so I knew once I was admitted to L&D I'd need to receive antibiotics immediately. The nurse informed me I was in labor and wouldn't be going anywhere til a baby was born.

We walked over to the L&D room around 11:50 and set up camp. The room was warm, large and cozy. The lights were dimmed and it didn't feel nearly as unwelcoming and fluorescently-lit as triage. To be honest, I really liked it.

The nurses hooked me up with an IV which I actually hate because they put it in the wrist and that's about the most painful place to have it. Why not the elbow-pit where there's more cushion? Anyway, I got comfy and my mum had Harris play some maori music. She's been attending a maori University in New Zealand where she already got her social work degree and is furthering her studies in the same field. She's learned a lot more about the maori culture and incorporating it into the birth was fine by me. Shortly after I was all set up in L&D the Doctor popped his head in to let me know he was there (I'd met him earlier in my pregnancy when he removed a mole from my right breast) and would be covering in case my midwife didn't make it. He's a very gentle man so it was reassuring knowing he was in my corner.

My contractions stayed about 5 - 15 minutes apart but they were intense. I have a TENS unit which I used for both Kiki and Mia's unmedicated births, but I discovered the batteries were already in it which concerned me that they could be dead. They weren't but Harris went to a nearby walmart anyway to grab some more.
Yes. During labor.

He returned about 20 minutes later and we replaced the batteries. Thankfully we did because it turns out they WERE almost dead. The nurses asked what this machine was so I told them and came back a few minutes later to say my midwife said it was fine.

Like I would've stopped using it anyway.

About 12:45am my midwife showed up! I was so glad, as was she, that she was going to be there for my baby's delivery. She unplugged me from the machines (HALLELUJAH!) and told me if I wanted to go for a walk I could. I mentioned to my mum that I should've brought socks because my feet were cold and the midwife grabbed me a pair from the hospital and I was feeling good. I knew she was on my team and she let me know that whatever I wanted to do, I could and she'd not only support me, but she'd fight for me. 

And did she ever!

The nurses came in 15 minutes later to hook me back up to the monitor but my midwife let them know she'd already taken my baby's heartbeat a few minutes earlier and only needed to do it every hour because my water hadn't broken and there were no signs of distress. They were concerned that my baby wasn't moving enough and she said it was fine because the heart rate was good and I was 40 weeks and 5 days so there wasn't really much space for the baby to move. She kept telling them it was fine and she would monitor as necessary but no more than that if I didn't want it. I can't tell you how great it was not having to advocate for myself while breathing through contractions and having someone with the knowledge, and power, be my supporter! To every woman who's going to have a baby, natural, C-section, WHATEVER, make sure the Doctor or midwife you have knows what you consider a priority, mixed with the health of you and your baby, and is YOUR advocate. Not their own, not the hospitals, not the nurses, but yours. It makes the world of difference and because of her I didn't stress about anything that was going to happen.

Contractions didn't get much closer than 10 minutes apart and only lasted about 30-45 seconds but I'd let my "team" of my mum, Harris and midwife know and they'd all push on different pressure points or my knees to relieve the pressure through the contraction. It was so relieving, along with me running the TENS unit and I just knew that I was going to be okay. Around 2:15 I let the midwife know she could break my water and at 2:45 she checked me to say I was at an 8 but was easily stretching to a 10. I let her know that during my last birth the midwife ended up moving the lip of my cervix which allowed me to push Mia out easier. She said she'd probably do the same thing as that would speed labor along and allow pushing to be as quick as possible.

Manually moving my cervix was probably the most pain of the entire thing.

It took a couple of contractions and pushes to get it out of the way and that SUCKED! Pushing was really hard but I loved that she didn't want me to push more than 10 seconds so I could rest. The actual pushing of my baby was probably 3 pushes (about 7 minutes as I had to rest from being so exhausted and my contractions were so far apart) and at 3:15am Teuila was born with lots of brown hair (as opposed to Kiki and Mia's BLACK hair) and was a little congested but once they suctioned her we got to have lots of skin to skin and my midwife was just great the entire time.

Because of potential hemorrhaging and my history of iron deficiency my midwife shortly gave me some drugs to help contract my uterus without my body needing to do so much work. It was great as the next day I was barely bleeding! After 3 natural child births I'm glad to know exactly how much of a difference a GREAT provider can make. I already have a wonderful support team with Harris and my mum but having my midwife be everything I needed just made the world of difference.

Once I had my baby I thanked everyone (about 1 minute after she was out) and told Harris and her I couldn't believe WE did it. She looks at me and said it wasn't anyone else's effort, but it was me and my amazing body that did it. I felt like a million bucks hearing that! During labor she kept telling the nurses how kind and thoughtful I was when I'd ask politely for things then thank them and I remember thinking isn't it normal for people to say please and thank you? But now I've realized it's not common to do that during labor. 

Although pregnancy sucked so bad and labor, while it was quick, wasn't easy, I feel so satisfied with how things went. Postpartum is going AMAZINGLY and a complete 180 from how Mia's was. I absolutely adore all 3 of my babies and am sad to be going back to work on Monday but am so glad I'm able to provide for this family I love so much.

Teuila just returned from the nursery with her bows

Fresh out of the oven

My beautiful baby at 1 week old

Hard but worth it...right?

Sometimes we forget the minor (or major) details when replaying life events. "Oh pregnancy wasn't THAT bad" or "labor wasn't THAT long" or even "buying a house was fun!"  I'd like to take this moment to remind future me that buying a house was NOT fun, it was exhausting, frustrating, emotionally overwhelming and at most times a big pain in the ass! But I hope that the only real and lasting thoughts I have are gratitude for being able to afford to buy a home and enjoy the luxury of our own space, garage, backyard and self sufficiency. Currently we just surpassed two weeks of delays in closing on the sale of our condo. Our first home we owned, first mortgage, where Kiki spent most of her life up to this point, where Mia lived her entire life and where I waited out 9 months of pregnancy with baby girl #3. This condo was purchased at a great deal and has more than served its purpose for our small, and extended, family. We went under contract two weeks after listing it for FULL ASKING PRICE and shortly thereafter found a home we could see potential in, negotiated a good price on that home and moved forward with the buying/selling concurrent process. Both our buyer and the sellers of our new home wanted a quick close and things progressed smoothly. Then we hit a snag right before closing believed to be tied to the holiday (4th of July) weekend.
Turns out it was more than that.
Our buyers realtor was unresponsive and eventually our realtor went directly to our buyers lender to get more information. Something about the HOA being under litigation. Blah blah. Paper work. Blah blah. Attorneys. Blah blah. In the mean time 3 other condos in our complex closed with the same type of mortgage no problem.
Each "closing day" approached and slipped away with more problems than the last time. Today was the hardest one for me to accept. I cried on the phone with our realtor and buyer's lender, I swore, got angry and watched as my due date (8 days from now) got closer and our reality of moving in before our baby got here drifted further away. How could THIS be what was happening? And when I'm 39 weeks?!
As this evening has come to a close and we are no closer to being in our new home, contractors, cleaners, HVAC workers, carpet layers and other professionals are being rescheduled for the 4th time I feel less angry but still equally bummed out. I won't pretend that this setback isn't a huge blow to our preparedness for this baby and even our faith a little but after letting things simmer I've come to accept that just because something is right doesn't make the road easy and just because something's hard doesn't mean it's wrong (although the opposite is true in many cases).
Don't mind me while I go and nap til my mum gets in tomorrow and I count my blessings that our baby hasn't come yet and even if she does come before we move in (hopefully we move) I'll try to remember I've been through harder and made it through to the other side loving life.

32 Weeks

To my unborn little girl.

I have no idea how we're going to adapt to having 3 children, let alone 3 GIRLS, but your sisters are excited to meet you. Your daddy thinks being a father of all girls is the best and like I've been before every one of my kids was born - I'm uncertain.

I don't know if the labor will be good, hard, long, early, late. 

I don't know if nursing will end in tears, impossible, exhausting, a chore, beautiful.

I don't know how you'll sleep, if I'll sleep, where we'll sleep (things on the home front are up in the air right now).

I don't know if you'll be easy, hard, cry lots, smile.

I don't know if you'll prefer daddy or mummy, or even your sisters, if you'll be happy to go to others, a home body.

I don't know if you'll have lots of hair, no hair, curly, straight, dark, light.

I don't know if you'll look like me, your dad, Mia, Kiki, your grandparents.

I don't know if post-partum will be easy, hard, exhausting, sad, happy, dark, light.

But I do know that you were meant to be ours.

You were determined to come to our family and because of that determination, we will be infinitely blessed by your presence. I hope that doesn't mean that life will hard for you, or us, but I know that because of you, I'm learning to trust in the Lord and His plans, timing and greater understanding.

We weren't "supposed" to have another baby for a while. I was on birth control and not mentally prepared for the sickness of pregnancy. We had plans to try some Asian lady's suggestions to have a boy in the hopes that it would be an easier pregnancy on me when we were ready and wait until I was more secure with work.

Work's been a crazy roller coaster for the last 6 months. Job changes, boss changes, department changes. We got a few health scares regarding you a couple of months ago. My own family life has had some crazy ups and downs and this pregnancy has been rough. Those first 20+ weeks were awful but I survived. The last 4 weeks have been riddled with contractions, blood work, more sickness and aches and pains - all part of a regular pregnancy for me.

But you.

You've kept moving, you let me know you're there and make me think that despite what happens even if you plan, things will be okay.

So despite what I don't know, I do know this.

We can't wait to meet you, love you and make you ours.

See you soon xox

-Mama