Children of Paradise

I'm getting better. Thanks to all the prayers and concerns. Still, once in a while, it hurts. Especially looking at newborns and things related to pregnancy. The obstetrics team said your death was unexplainable. Everything was completely normal. Normal within our capability to investigate at least. But Allah knows better. Yes, alam rahim is definitely is one of the alam ghaib. It's really hard to say. 

Truthfully I was hoping for a reason why you'd gone. At least to console the broken heart. But we didn't get any answer. You just left us without a sign. Part of me blamed myself. For not taking proper care of myself, for not focusing the fact that I was pregnant, for letting myself doing the hard works and being too active...to a point I may have jeopardise your health. 

Dear Fateh, (we decided to name you so - well it was Papa's decision since he likes the name so much) we know that you were selected to be one of the children of paradise (wildan mukhaladdun). Still, sometimes we feel sad, thinking of what you and your big brother, Usamah may have achieve together if you were here. But it's okay sayang. We know you'll be waiting at Jannah. Do pray for us, that we will be meeting you there. 

A child that we mourned

How should i begin this post. I wondered so many times on how should i write it. My mind is indeed in a mess. I'm devastated and heart-broken. God knows how painful it felt and went through it. I'm indeed sad my baby. I am. 

We were just 2 months shy away from our point of meeting. I'm nervous yet i had so many things planned in my mind. But u went so soon and sudden, my dear baby. Everyday, i wondered and wondered where my mistakes were. Did i go so rough on u, why didn't i notice it earlier, why didn't u give me more signs that u were going back then. I am sad my dear baby. I am. 

I cried and cried. But it didn't change the fact that u'd gone. 

Our wildan...

Blank

i guess it's my habit now. to write a post in 6 months inverval. currently, my little one is growing up so fast. being cheekier every day as he can be. made us laugh all the time. but he still can't kicked off his habit of crying insanely, waking each of us every night. hahaha.

i finished my ho-ship 7 months ago. currently, just an ordinary mo somewhere in a district hospital. the longer i'm here, the longer i was dragged deeply into my comfort zone hahaaa. no boss to bossy me around. i'm doing things at my own pace. which at the end of the day, is not good.

well, need for better plan for the future career pathway. now, it seems so blurry and misty. not sure where to go or start. when u thot u have it all planned, but every now and then, even u, yourself question ur own planning.

okay, that's all for now. till i come back later. maybe next year hahaha...

A thousand years...

and so a year has passed since my last post in 2016. i am writing this very quickly while my small one is having his beauty sleep.

my last post; i was still single and having my emotional cracked down. such hormonal post with mind so messed up with my life at that moment.

now, still about the same, emotional not stable, mind still in mess, just to add more mess in my  appearance with the unpleasant sour smelled of my breast milk. lol.

i've married for about 1 years. such an infancy marriage with so many ups and down. i met my husband during my 1st posting at the hospital. not a Cinderella story or what so ever. just happened he is the right person at the right moment (and of course with Allah's will). we quarrelled a lot after we got married. we were always on different pages. we argued  almost every week (especially during our off day - haha, guess the rest of the week we were just too busy with our works, no time to even argue or finding each other's flaws). so, marriage was not a total bliss. well, we all know that already. but still, people do get marred. haha. i guess having a person who initially was a total stranger, but at the end loves and fonds of you, just who you are, is a real blessing. people said, bad memories will go away, but the good ones always adhere to you forever. lol.

 there was no mic or speaker and this was outside the dewan masjid.
i hardly heard anything, tiba2, dah SAH2. haha. 

completely an awkward stare. hmmm 

budget je gambar romantic gini.
hakikatnya, time ni badan habes peluh sakan lps seharian sambut, tudung senget, mekap pun dh pudar haha

till here. i am so sleepy. haven't sleep well since little one arrived haha.