29 Nov 2006

I'm slowly getting into the Christmas spirit. It's mine and Nick's favorite holiday. And it will be our first Christmas apart, married. But with this military life, I need to be used to that. I wrapped gifts last night, and saw lights up in the neighborhood tonight. 26 more days.

I learned something last night...Sometimes you search and search and search for an answer, when all along, it was staring you right in the face.
It turned out to be a great night.


213 days about, until Nick is home safe.

28 Nov 2006

Now, I'm not one to brag about things, but man am I good!! In the kitchen that is! 2 days ago I made the greatest chili ever. I made it with ground sage sausage, leftover Thanksgiving turkey pieces, huge chunks of tomatos, onion, green peppers and hot sauce. YUM-O! I'll be making it again soon.

Nick called me late last night. Today is his first day, out of 8, that he will be in field training. Can you imagine, being left in the middle of nowhere with your co-workers, handed a few guns, meals ready to eat, a compass, a sleeping bag, and a leatherman...and being told, "Here ya go, not only do you have to survive for 8 days, but find your way to this spot," as the instructor points to a map. I feel bad for him. He doesnt deserve that treatment but he must do it for those "what if's" in Iraq.
214 more days.

I got the short term storage agreement in the mail today from the sperm bank. If its in storage for more than 30 days I have to pay 20 bucks. If I do have to, no big deal. But hopefully our new plans will work out and I wont need to keep it in storage.

I read this in Tracy's blog today, and liked it so much that I thought I would post it here on mine also. Hope you dont mind Tracy! And sticky baby dust to you this cycle!

I learned yet another lesson on patience. You know, the one thing I seem to lack. The one thing that is so hard to have in this Trying To Concieve process .. If you wait.. it will come. Whatever it is you want in life.. Love, a Baby, Money, a Job.. If you have patience.. it will come.

26 Nov 2006

My words for today:

Reach high,

For starts lie hidden in your soul.

Dream deep,

For every dream precedes the goal.

I guess one can interpret it anyway that fits them. But I know exactly how it fits me. And I'm reaching high and dreaming deep to reach my goal soon.

Nick will be home in 215 days.

very early am 25 Nov 2006

It's 1:29 am. Imagine that. I still cant sleep. I just talked to Nick. He called me as I was trying to fall asleep. And while in the conversation about what he did for the day, I developed a huge craving for a big greesey, cheesy, pepperoni large pizza...all to myself. With a huge glass of Diet Coke.....Yumm-O. I might have to go out tomorrow for lunch to satisfy my craving. When I get cravings, they dont leave my system until I have whatever it is. I'm going to make a midnight craving pregnant woman. I can tell already. But that is ok. I know Dad would make a run for it since he doesnt go to bed until 1 or 2 am anyways. That just works out perfect! HEHEHE!

While trying to sleep, I filled the heavens of wishes of a soon to be pregnancy. I sure hope they are listening. I didnt think I could want this anymore then I did during our previous tries, but I do. Hopefully it will all fall into place.

24 Nov 2006

I'm not one for pampering, but I sure could use a full day being pampered at a spa.
I feel sick today. Everytime I get up and move, I feel like I could puke. I wish my nerves would just calm down a bit, or a lot. I do'nt know why I get myself so worked up so easily. But it's part of me. I been like that ever since I can remember. It's one of the few unfortunate genes I inherited from my mother. I remember her always being like that too.

Today I been experiencing ovulation pains. One of the few times a year they actually feel like menstrual cramps, but only on my right side, the side I suppose I am ovualting on this cycle. Could that be a cause of me feeling so nausaus? My lower back also hurts, just like pre-PMS.
Ughh. Once a month is enough to have these pains...why do I have to have them again?
I took some tylenol but no luck yet. Atleast I know I am ovualting.

My not feeling so good today could also be from the lack of sleep I got last night. I did'nt sleep at all. Not 5 minutes. I did'nt sleep until 8 am then I only slept until 10 am.
Early bedtime tonight. I need my beauty rest. I can't feel like this again tomorrow. I need to be in good health and high positive spirits so my body is prepared for a baby to grow.

Today the yellow ribbons were hung for Nick. He would love to see them. He makes me proud.

Turkey Day 2006

I only have a few words to post today. Happy Thanksgiving. I had a rough time getting through dinner, but I made it and dinner was excellent and will be memorable for years to come. As well as the entire day and evening. It will be memorable for many years to come.

Also, I wont be going home. Im staying here, for now. Plans have changed a bit.

Good things come to those who wait, and I am patiently waiting.

22 Nov 2006

Today and last night I have the worries of money. Trying to concieve a baby the way we have to does not run inexpensive. And I do not have a job. December's supply is already paid for, but with me not having a job I dont think we can afford anymore than 2 more tries without having to dip into our savings. I dont want to do that. I think that next weekend I might go back home and get myself a job to keep busy. If I stay here, I will have to quit because I will want to go home at some point, so why not just go home and get a job then I wont have to quit? I will have to find a job that will allow me 1 or 2 days a month flexible schedule due to me having to drive 3 hours to DC for the insems. That might be difficult. And with me being home, it will be much harder for my mother- in-law to attend the IUI with me, so I will also have to find a friend that will be able to go with me. I dont know why they require me to have a chaperone when it is only a simple 10 minute process. If going home allows me to have more money to do more IUI's then so be it. I will do it. I will do whatever it is that allows me to give my husband and I a beautiful baby.
About 220 more days until Nick comes home....ugghh.

20 Nov 2006

I made the big purchase today! Donor number 554. I decided to switch donors since the last 2 tries with our original donor resulted in no baby. Maybe it was meant for us to change donors in order to succeed. I actually like this new donor better than our original. 554 has endless characteristics that are similar to Nick. Not that it matters a whole lot, because any sperm that results in a child we will greatly adore and love. Pray for us that these 2 vials contain the 1 SUPERSPERM that we need.
Tomorrow I am on cycle day 11, which means I should be ovulating on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. Im going to start my tests either tonight or tomorrow morning and I should get a positive real soon, assuming my body is on schedule. I been under some stress and I been sick so hopefully my body wont be thrown off. If I am time, we should be on for December 20th or so. Then I could have a big belly for Nick return home to, and a baby due on our 5th wedding anniversary. I hope that this is plan that the higher ups have for us.

19 Nov 2006

It's true. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth. A man who proudly puts on this uniform everyday, it can not get any better than this. I can not be any more proud of who this teenager I met, has become. And I am his wife. Wow.

Nick called me tonight, after 2 days of not hearing anything from him, not even an email. I still ask myself everyday, "How in the world am I going to survive 220+ days without him?" But then I think to myself, "I have to survive. I have to survive, so he can survive. I have to support him and be strong for him." Then, only then, am I able to go on sometimes.

I cried lightly 2 times today, almost 3 but I held the 3rd time in. This will eventually become more bearable. That eventually will be when I can happily count down the days, not months, until Nick comes safely home.

Today I went to Walmart. That was the highlight of my day. I bought 2 pair of jeans so I now do not have to wear my favorite ones with the patched hole in my right knee. The ones Nick tells me to throw away, but I continue to wear, and because of the husband that he is, he lets me wear them anyways.
I also bought a Christmas gift for someone, speakers for my computer so I can listen to music that brings me memories of Nick, some hangers, a shirt that I didnt need, and some flavored water that I love. Oh yeah, and a Snickers bar that went down good.
It's really going to be a tight budget this Christmas. I dont have a job, and next month will be another $700 for another attempt at becoming pregnant. Hopefully that can be everyone's major Christmas gift cause it sure is expensive. Mom and Dad will be grandparents, Gramdma and Grandpap will be Great Great Grandparents, Nick will be Daddy, Tony will be Uncle and Jenny will be Auntie. I can't think of a better gift for them all. If I do become pregnant, my due date will be within days of our 5 year wedding anniversary. I could'nt give Nick a better anniversary gift then the gift of him being a father.
God, please answer my prayers this time.
223 more days to go.

18 Nov 2006

I actually got through day number 5 without crying. And so far today, half way into day number 6 with no tears. Nick called me last night from a roommates cell phone and we got to talk for about 10 minutes. That was nice. I miss talking to him. I miss being able to just call him during the day whenever I just felt the need to. I told him about my feelings of missing home and he suggested to hold out here until the holidays are over atleast. I think that it was I am going to do. Maybe I will wait until early January then go home for 2 months and then come back here, and switch back and fourth between the 2.
I've decided to skip this month of insemination. Just until I get calm down and get settled and adjusted. Plus, Im sick so it would be better to wait this round out and go for it next month. I expect to ovulate around the 20th of December if my body is on schedule.
Kitties are doing just fine. Pooh Bear was almost dinner for Jazzy last night. She jumped right over the baby gate and went after him. It scared him, but I think he knows I would'nt let anything happen to him.
Yesterday was a pretty good for me emotionally. We primered the room we are working on so the paint should be happening within the next couple of days. I think it will look great. I took some before pictures. We went to the Goodwill and to the Dollar store and we went to lunch at Arby's, my treat. I stayed away from the baby items at the Goodwill.
Today there is a Holiday Bazaar going on I would like to go to. And I want to make a stop at Walmart for a power cord for my computer. Then I can send pictures to Nick. I miss him. I swear I could say he has been gone for a month, not just 5 days. I really truely honestly swear, I feel like he has been gone much much longer than 5 days.
224 more days to go.

16 Nov 2006

Today, I am confused. Today I have been thinking I might want to go home. Main reason being that I might feel closer to Nick having his things around me. I want our bed. I want to look at the teddy bears he bought me, I want to sleep with the same covers as him,I want to cuddle with and smell the pillow he sleeps on. I want to see his shoes and his clothes in the closet. I want to shower in the same shower as him and see his hair on the bathroom floor and look at the same mirror that I once saw his face in. I want to sit at the same computer desk that holds his trophies high that he is so proud of, and look at the disney characters that we collected together in Venice, Italy. I want to see his BDU's in the house, and see his car in the garage. I want to use the washer and drier he bought for me and struggled to bring into the house. I want to sit on teh couch that he sits on after work and see the stains in the coffee table that his laptop burned into it, adn see the marks on the carpet where his feet always are. I want to watch the TV that I begged him to buy even though we really really didnt need it, but he bought it anyway to make me happy. I want to walk through the BX we always walk through together and take the same route around the store that we always take.
I want to hear the jets flying above that allow me stop and think, that is why I am proud of my husband and that is why I support him. I want to see my cats run into the house from the patio because the familair sound of jets above are so loud.
But going home will mean that I will be lonely in the house. I do have a few freinds that would keep me busy sometimes. Jim, Nancy, Jamie would definatly help me. Drena, who is in the same boat as me but she has the added worries of 2 children. I could help her with the babies, and she could help keep my company. Theres Tina who this time last year was in the same boat as me with Izaac so she completely understands how I feel. And if I really get lonely, I could come back to PA for a couple days. It's not a bad drive.
Im just very confused. What am I to do?
About 226 days to go

14 Nov 2006

Well, Nick has been away for 29 hours and 15 minutes. I do'nt know how I am going to make until July without seeing him, smelling him, hearing him, or feeling him. My heart hurts. I need him. About 228 more days to go. God give me the strength.

We woke up at 5 am Monday morning, Nick showered and cut his hair and I just laid in bed feeling like it was a dream. We went downstairs and sat on the couch and just cried. He said how much he loved me and I wanted to respond with the same words but I had no voice. Only tears and barely a breath left in me. Cedric pulled up and Nick loaded the car with his bags. Then we just stood in the living room in a hug. I felt him trying to pull away but all I could do and say was No. I was thinking I wont smell him or feel him. So I tried so hard to keep smelling him and to keep feeling his warmth. And then I had to let go. I felt like my insides were being ripped outside.

On Saturday AF showed up. She decided not to vacate for 9 months. I cried so hard I could'nt breathe. Those tears where a mixture of a failed cycle yet again, and Nick leaving. I wanted so badly to give him the best gift ever before he left. Maybe it didnt happen for a reason. If I was pregnant my due date would be only 3 weeks after he came home. So he could have missed the birth. I know the higher ups have it all planned out for us, I just hope it is soon.

I should be ovulating around the 22nd of November, but Im so sure the paperwork will complete in time. If we had to skip this cycle, right now I dont think I would oppose it. It may be good for me to adjust to my surroundings first then try to concieve again in December. But if it does work out that we can try this month, that is great.

Well, I have left what I have known as home. Now I'm trying to make another home for the next 7 months or so. Nick left Monday morning and again I cried so hard I couldnt breathe. I curled up on his side of the bed a cried like a baby, or worse. So here I am at his parents house.
I was ok last night I think because I was so tired. This morning, after my first night without him, I'm having a little trouble. I wish so much that I could be in our bed, in our house, but I know that if I was there, all I would do is cry.

The cats were angels on there way here. They cried for about 20 minutes and then were silet the whole 6 hours. We would hear a peep every now and then but they did great. I under estimated them. They are adjusting better than I am. Why was I so worried about them? I would be so lost without them.

11 Nov 2006

It's 11/11 today. Our lucky number. Everytime we see it, we kiss. 2 more days with Nick before I do'nt see him for 8 months. Today is going to be 76 out, so we are going to clean out and wash our cars. He will be cleaning his out ot prepare it for 8 months of storage, and I will be cleaning mine out ot prepare it for a 6 hour car drive full of things I will need and want within the next 8 months.
Well, no update on baby, or no baby. I did not test this morning. I want to have hope that I may be pregnant for as long as I can. After the spotting incident I posted yesterday, I had one more a few trips to the bathroom later. It was'nt as much as the first time, but it was there. I also took my temp and it dropped to 98.1 last night. Hopefully it was implantation dip, but this late Im not sure that is possible. I am 15DPIUI today. That could be a sign that AF is about to drop in. I cringe everytime I go to the bathroom hoping not to see my usual Pre AF arrive. So far, nothing.

In the middle of the night I had Pre AF like cramps and thought in the morning I should see AF, but nothing so far. I will maybe test again tomorrow morning. It takes 48 hours for HcG to double, so if I got a negative yesterday hopefully by tomorrow it will be doubled and we will see those 2 lines the day before Nick leaves, and he can leave proud knowing that when returns from duty, he will have a baby.

10 Nov 2006

Could I be, or could I not be? That is now the question.

I tested this morning at 6 am with first morning urine. It was a big fat negative. So, I spent an extra 2 hours in bed, not sleeping, just laying with my eyes closed. Then after I got up I spent an hour or so with swollen eyes trying so hard to hold back my tears. Nick doesnt need to see me this way 2 days before he leaves. I will have a whole week to cry after he goes.

After I got control of my tears, I took my temperature. It was 98.6 which is normal body temperature but not normal for me. All the times Nick and I were in bed and just decided to play around the with thermometer like 2 little kids, my temperature was always lower than 98.6. And when I took my temp this morning, I was outside where it was cold. Nick was cold, and I again was not.

Then about 20 minutes ago, I went to the bathroom. ( Sorry if Too Much Info )
I wiped some watery pink stuff. Not a lot, but enough to feel wet and enough to see pink on the paper. It wasnt bright red at all, it was'nt heavy like AF( Aunt Flo) , and it was not like pre AF either. My pre AF is brown and a little clumpy sometimes. And AF isnt due for another 2 or 3 days.

Is it my bean embedding into my uterus? Or is it me being wishful and trying to hold on to hope for the next 2 or 3 days? Why must my brain question every little think my body does when trying to concieve? It only makes it harder. It's hard at the end, when I think I had so many signs, then all my hope be ripped from me and have to deal with the sight of red blood for 5 days, as if my body is saying, " Ha Ha, here is a reminder that you are NOT pregnant!", everytime I go to the bathroom.

I sure hope AF has decided to pack up and vacation for 9-10 months. This really would be the perfect time for me and Nick, and his family. It would give us all something to be happy for while he is in Iraq.

9 Nov 2006

4 more days until Nick leaves. Still doesnt feel like it yet. Today we did some more shopping for things he needed like tshirts, and socks. This deployment has gotten expensive. But if it makes him comfortable then its worth it.

Today I am 13DPIUI. Up until today I have experienced nothing what so ever that led me to believe that this cycle has worked, except hope. I am one to ALWAYS be cold. Nick is one to ALWAYS be hot. Today, I have been much more warm then usual. This morning on the way to the BX, in the car, I had the window down the whole way the entire way there. I was comfortable, Nick was cold. His hands were frozen. At the BX, I was so hot, I felt like I would fall on the floor and sleep so I had to walk outside. Then I felt better, still warm, but better. Even right now, I am real warm. I normally can sit at the computer and be fine but I feel so warm. I have the window open.

So, I have been seaching one of my other favorite site, www.twoweekwait.com and I have read many posts from women saying they have experienced this around 13DPO. I dont want to be too hopeful and have my dream shattered in a few days, so I'm really trying to think of other reasons that I could be going through this. I really cant think of anything besides it was 70 degrees out today, and the sun was warm.

Maybe we will take a pregnancy test in the morning, maybe not. I will decide when the time comes. I am just so scared of seeing a negative result. I do'nt want to test too soon either. Some women dont get postives until 16DPO, or later.

So, to test....or not to test is the question.

8 Nov 2006

Only 5 more days until Nick leaves for 8 months. I can't believe it's actually going to happen and I wont see him for 8 whole months. We went shopping today for all the things he needs to take with him, soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, floss, running shoes, yada yada yada. So it's really happening, unfortunatly.

I think I have decided to do a pregnancy test on Sunday, the day before he leaves in hopes to give him a great going away gift of a baby. Sunday will be 16 DPIUI and CD 28 so that should give a good accurate result.

6 Nov 2006

Today marks exactly, to the hour, 7 years from Nick and I's first date together. We went to the movies to see Bats. He was so nervous, I knew he wanted to hold my hand or touch me. His leg shook the entire time. After the movies, we tried calling his parents to come pick us up. All we kept getting was a busy signal. So we decided to start walking back. And the walk was a hike, about 5 or 6 miles I guess. It was freezing cold, but fun anyways. A few minutes after we started our hike Nick's father drove by and we hopped into the car. We went back to his parents house for the night. After a little unwinding from the excitment of the walk, we went for a dip in the hot tub where I saw my first shooting star. Nick asked me if I saw it, and I did. He then said to me "Make a wish." I did. I wished for him to just kiss me already! He then asked me what I wished for and I told him I could'nt tell or it would'nt come true. He then leaned over and kissed me. I was wondering how the heck he knew I wished for that. And to this day, 7 years later I still wonder. Our first kiss could not have been any more perfect.

I've attached a picture of us together, 7 years ago. I was 15, he was 18. These were the days that led us to our marriage today.

Today marks 10DPIUI. Some women get their positive pregnancy tests today. Not many, but some. It's still early. I do have an E.P.T pregnancy test left over from our previous at home insemination we tried. After doing some research tonight Im not so sure I want to use this kind.
I went to one of my favorite sites, www.Peeonastick.com and the overall reccommendation for this particular test is a negative due to false positives and evaps. I DONT want to see that at all. The sentitivity is pretty good at 25 miU/mL, but there are better ones out there. I prefer First Response Early Result with a sensitivity of only 12.5 miU/mL. Only problem with those is that they could detect a pregnancy too early, ones that result in miscarriage early on. But at the time, the BX did'nt have those on the shelf, so E.P.T is what I bought.

Hoping for those lovely 2 lines soon. I want my husband to be a daddy.

I quit work today! No new news to report, but thought I should post a picture of us. Here is the most recent, taken a couple weeks ago.

Nov 4 2006

They dont know it yet, but Im quitting before my 2 week notice. Wednesday is my last day. They dont care about me, why should I care about them? I want to spend the weekend with Nick before he leaves. He leaves Monday. My time with him is way more important then my time with them. And, I also have so much to do after he leaves preparing the house for a 6-7 month vaccancy, I dont want work to be an extra worry.

We went to Nick's last car show of the year today. It was cold, but fun. I won 2nd place in the mini drag racing and he won 1st place in the R/C car race. I knew he would win 1st, it's just how he is. A big kid. He's great. We ate chili and hot dogs, socialized, drove around and played games. Entertainement for all day that was cheap, and we brought home a lot of prizes. Can't beat that.

Tomorrow is 9 days past IUI. I feel nothing. I'm not so sure this worked. But then I think proabably every cycle Im going to feel that way since being pregnant is just a distant dream of mine that I feel like wont happen for a long time. I still have hope, but considering our chances are only 30% success, I don't know. I sure am still hoping for that big belly for Nick to come home to. I will either test on the 19th, or wait for my cycle to start. Which ever comes first. I'm NOT going to torture myself with several negative pregnancy tests, espically without the support of Nick nearby.

The time is comming up soon. I hope I get through it being stong.

I hope my kitties will be ok. I worry about them. I know they will be fine after a while of adjustment but I still worry. Motherly worries just run in my blood, even for my furry babies.
I've posted 2 very recent pictures of them. They are the 2 most perfect cats. I could'nt have gotten luckier with them.

2 Nov 2006

I can't believe its November. Where did this year go? Plans have changed in the last day. Nick will not be comming home in between training and deployment. So off to PA I go earlier then expected. It's going to be hard leaving home, where him and I belong together with our furry children. But it is for my own good, at least for a while. I can't believe how close the time is comming to the day he leaves and I dont see him for 8 months. I wish all of America could see and understand what I go through for this country even though I am not the one who steps off of American soil. ( Atleast this time I'm not ) Well, enough about that.

I am putting in my 2 weeks notice to work today, so that takes me up to the 16th. I wish I could stop a few days sooner so I can leave right after Nick does. But maybe a few days in between is best for me so I dont have to drive 6 hours being unbearably upset. Even though I will be upset either way.

No signs of a bean snuggling in. Not like the 2 previous times when I thought I had many signs that could relate to a bean. This time, still nothing. I have had a little cough for a few days. I started taking my Vitamin C to help boost my immune system for the winter. I usually get sick atelast once.

Today I am 6 days past IUI. Almost have way there to testing. I will test in 10 days and hopefully, I pray hard, hopefully, we will see a nice 2 lines. If not, we are on for another round in December.