30 April 08-slide show

New slide show. Brief short version of Nick and I. It was fun to create. If you have speakers, turn them on.

30 April 08

Creative minds...I need help!!
I thought of something this morning. Please tell me if its a good idea or bad idea and give me some ideas if you can think of anything.

Over the last 2 days we have had 4 sincere donations into our adoption funds, bringing our total to a whopping: $1797.47. Can you believe it??!!

Anyways, my idea is when we hit the $2,000 mark to do something fun. Like give away a secret prize to someone. Do a drawing or something of somesort of an item.

Would it be fair to everyone if when we hit $2000 to put everyone's name in a hat for each time they donated and draw out a winner and send him/her a gift?

What would the gift be?

How do I get everyone's "ok" to participate? By email? How long do I give them to give me the "ok" by email?

Anything more creative and fun I could do?

So many people have helped us it is just unbelivable. I would really like to give something in return.

Maybe for every $1,000 raised I could do this?

What do you all think? Advice? Ideas? Concerns? Anything?

29 April 2nd post

Yeah, 2nd post of the day. I know...get a life. I dont have a car today so Im stuck at home.

I made the sauce. Its joining flavors in the fridge now. I will take a pic a dinner time.

I have new items for sale in the following pictures, as well as some old ones. I dont know why the pictures are fitting correctly on here. Sorry about that.

Boys onesie 3-6 months has airplane on it

Boys onesie 3-6 months has airplanes and the words zoom all over it.

Boys shirt 3-6 months

Boys hat

Boys hat

Socks

Boys dump truck overalls

Todler boys shirt

Boys onesie and socks 3-6 months

Knitted sweater and cap-boys or girls

29 April 2008- RICE!!!!!

I cant get enough of the local food here. I swear, I should be overweight by now. I could eat it every day. The rice, the chicken on a stick, the lumpia...oh my. Particularly the rice. I C-A-N-T get enough. More specifically the steamed rice. I even bought a rice cooker after we got here. Did I tell you I cant get enough of it? The rice cooker makes the rice just as good as the local people make it. Only thing missing was the great sauce they put on it. At home I just used plain old soy sauce but it just wasnt the same. Not nearly as good. I craved this sauce every time I ate rice at home. Well, that craving stops TODAY because after asking Mr. Google what the heck this stuff was...I found the recipie. Isnt he just wonderful?

Finadeni

No island feast would be complete without finadeni. This terrific sauce used to flavor rice, soups and is excellent for marinating chicken, beef and pork. Make a lot at once and store the extra in a salad dressing carafe for easy use later.

1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup chopped green onions
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper, or
3 small red peppers, roasted and chopped
Preparation:

Combine ingredients, stir.

When I make it today, I will take a picture for you all, cuz I KNOW you wanna see it. hehe.

28 April 2008

Just wanted to check in, let everyone know things are ok. I think I just had a bad week last week.

I finished up with my day care class but unfortunatly Nick and I think its best if I wait it out and get a job. I have applied at the base library. Nick heard that there will be 2 positions open this week. So we will see how it goes. I applied on Friday.

I got my hair cut today. I was 4 months over-do and had the driest dead ends ever.

And I have 2 things for sale on Ebay. They are both baby girls items, feel free to check them out or pass them along to people you know with baby girls. Here are the links. I dont know why they are so long.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120254514739&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fws%2Fsearch%2FSaleSearch%3Fsofocus%3Dbs%26satitle%3D120254514739%26sacat%3D-1%2526catref%253DC5%26dfsp%3D32%26from%3DR7%26nojspr%3Dy%26pfid%3D0%26fsop%3D32%2526fsoo%253D2%26fcl%3D3%26frpp%3D50%26fvi%3D1


http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120254510763&ru=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.ebay.com%3A80%2Fws%2Fsearch%2FSaleSearch%3Fsofocus%3Dbs%26satitle%3D120254510763%26sacat%3D-1%2526catref%253DC5%26dfsp%3D32%26from%3DR7%26nojspr%3Dy%26pfid%3D0%26fsop%3D32%2526fsoo%253D2%26fcl%3D3%26frpp%3D50%26fvi%3D1

Thank you to everyone who has helped and is trying to help. We wouldnt have gotten to $1500 without each and everyone of you.

Also, on Friday I counted our piggy. We have a ceramic piggy bank.(pictured above)
This piggy bank has taken in quite a bit. We started saving in him when we started with our adoption website. Now, I didnt count every single penny but I did count out about $420. The money that goes into this piggy bank is the money that is donated to us by personal checks through the mail. Also, Nick and I add to him regularly. Each time I go grocery shopping or what not, I take out extra cash and add it to him as soon as I get home. I dont take out much...but as you can see..it adds up fast. So all together we have about $2,000 towards our baby.

We have been watching our pennies and Nick has doubled his car payments. We expect to get it paid in a good amount of time. So you see...we are getting there slowly.

Dont really have much to say. Sorry for such a boring blog today.

Cant believe its almost May. Geesh.

22 April 2008

Thanks everyone for the support on my last post. I'm still contemplating what I need to do. I do feel better this week so far, than I did last week and over the weekend. I think its because this week I am really busy as opposed to last week when I wasn't.

I have started the class to become FCC licensed for in home day care. I am the only 'childless' woman in the class. I must admit, its hard. Its hard every time the teacher uses me for an example of a provider with no kids. It really stabs me with a knife each time. I hate being that woman all the time.

By anyways, the class is going good. I really want to just start the day care already to bring in a pay check and pay off our credit card with IVF on it, and Nick's car payment so we can just begin with the next step already..weather it be saving more money for adoption or getting a loan so we can begin. I know that Nick wont move forth without paying most or all of these 2 bills.

I didn't realize how much there is to having day care in your home. Holy Cow. Most of the guidelines are simple. As simple as the common sense things like put locks on cabinets, keep your house clean, dint let children outside alone, no firearms in the house and the list goes on. Those things are easy to manage.

But the hard parts are going by the FCC and USDA guidelines and its strict detailed guidelines. For example, you must have 35 feet in your home per child in your day care, a daily schedule and lunch menu has to be posted daily, portfolio's of each child must be kept, you have to have a certain number of certain toys and learning materials for each child and age group, there is a whole checklist of items for field trips, only certain foods are FCC approved for meal time, must have fire drills monthly, there are criteria for food service and prep and diaper changing and first aid, this list goes ON AND ON AND ON AND ON for about 40 pages. Everything is down to the exact weight, height, age, feet, tablespoon, etc.

And not to mention all the Air Force forms that go along with everything. Forms for the child's registration, vaccines, forms for medications and any injuries that happen while the child in your care even if its a scrape on the knee on the way to the play ground. Contracts, lunch menus, inspection paperwork, forms for substitute care and persons authorized to pick the child up, administering medications, religious teachings, field trips...and this list goes on and on.

Really its all simple work...just a whole heck of a lot of it. And I only plan on taking 2, 3 at the most children at once so to not overwhelm myself at first.

The only issue I am having right now is today I found out that pets are not allowed within the children's reach. I have 2 cats as you all know are our babies. I do not want to have to lock them up all day every day. They don't even know the meaning of that! But if I do do this, I have to. Inspectors come around with no warning. So my thoughts are to put a baby gate up at the hallway and keep the cats in that half of the house, but then again...they can jump the gate. But I do need a pay check. That is most important. And other than this...there isn't much of an option here as far as jobs.

When we first got here I applied to 10 jobs. Literally, 10 jobs. I got a call back for ONE job and it was a job labeled as a cashier only to find out that it was a job handling food as well. And the director wouldn't tell me how much an hour it was after I told him I wanted at least $7 an hour. So I know it was less. And the job was only 'as needed'. Screw that. I need a steady income.

So what other option do I have? Not much, I'll tell ya that now.

The way the Air Force makes their job policies are totally not fair. How can they employ so many local people and not think about us spouses who need jobs? How can the local people come first? They are taking so many jobs away from us. But what can we do? Nothing.

The Mother Hen shout out

The Mother Hen- I havent been able to view your blog for a while, since the last time you switched it over. I dont have your email either. Could you please send me an invite to your blog?

By the way, thanks for the statcounter. Im surely going to sign up for that and use it.

20 April 2008

So, how do you know when you need to seek professional help? At what point do you turn to your doctor? How do you know if you are at that point?

I'm not happy. Its hurting my marriage and I dont know how to move past the fact that I will not be a mother today, tomorrow, next month, or 9 months from now. Not even a year from now. How do I get past that? How do I get past the hurt and heartache and unhappiness? How I do not let it consume my every being and put my husband as #1?

Tomorrow starts my 1 week class to become in home day care certified. I hope its not too dreadingly boring and I hope the week goes fast.

18 April 2008

Ok...whoever has me cursed...you win. Will you un-curse me now, please? Please?
Today I broke my favorite lamp. RIP lamp.

From ever since I can remember, like 9 years old maybe younger Mariah Carey has always been my favorite singer. I even remember teaching my baby sister when she was only 2 years old and I was 12, the words to Mariah's songs. 'Always be my baby' was her favorite. I even got her signing on video to that song. It was the cutest thing ever. Mariah has an amazing voice and I have never heard anyone come as close to her voice in my ears' opinion. One of her album covers and a song referred to butterflies. The album was even called 'Butterfly'. ( I will post that song sometime ) Before Nick and I were even engaged, I used to picture him being like a butterfly. I knew I had to let him go and if he flew back to me, I would know it was meant to be. And he did.

Just about every single one of her songs, I can relate to. Espically this one, espically this past week.

Mariah Carey - Through The Rain


When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's ok
Won't you say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need
To prevail
Won't you say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stand tall and say


I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain


I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You're gonna make it through the...
Rain...

Here is the video. Its a beautiful song.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=EetzQsoiknE

16 Ap 08

Yeah, 2nd post of the day. I want to put up some lyrics from a song that I am strongly relating to today. Im playign the song over and over today, I sure hope my neighbor cant hear it. Although if she did, Im sure she would understand.

Anyways, some of the words dont fit me...but the whole meaning to the song stands out to me today. And the verse in italic words mean the most to me right now. It feels good to listen to song that says what you are feeling. It brings on the tears that need to be cried out and helps me feel refreshed afterwards.

[Intro:]
Bone Thugs, Akon, yeah
You know though nothin' come easy, you gotta try real, real hard
I tried hard, but I guess I gotta try harder.

[Chorus]
I tried so hard, can't seem to get away from misery,
Man I tried so hard, but always be a victim of these streets,
It Ain't my fault cause I, try to get away but trouble follows me,
And still I try so hard, hopin one day they'll come and rescue me,

But until then, I'll be posted up right here rain, sleet, hail, snow (hail snow)
But until then, I'll be posted up right here with my heat gettin dough (gettin' dough)

[verse 1]
First, let me explain that I'm just a black man,
And I come from the darkside, so I'm havin a hard time stayin on track man,
My mind be racin', and I don't even know what I'm chasin yet
Been in and out of relationships, I'm startin to see that it's me where the complications at
But I'm layin back, prayin' that, you get that piece of mind of me
I thought I was right, but really I'm wrong, but again I was too blind to see,
I was in the fast lane chasin my dream,
And then it seemed when the fame and cash came, they just got me,
Goin crazyyyy, (lately, lately) lately I been so faded trying to erase it,
But I just can't cause the drama just grows greater,
And I been in so many collisions by puttin shit off till later.

[Chorus]
I tried so hard, can't seem to get away from misery,
Man I tried so hard, but always be a victim of these streets,
It Ain't my fault cause I, try to get away but trouble follows me,
And still I try so hard, hopin one day they'll come and rescue me,

But until then, I'll be posted up right here rain, sleet, hail, snow (hail snow)
But until then, I'll be posted up right here with my heat gettin dough (gettin' dough)

[verse 2]

It's like I'm takin' five steps forward, and ten steps back
Tryin' to get ahead of the game but I can't seem to get it on track
And I keep runnin away the ones that say they love me the most
How could I create the distance when it's supposed to be close? And uh,
I just don't know but I be out here fightin demons and
It's like the curse that I can't shake this part of Cleveland and
Lord, would you help me? And stop this pain
I keep inflinctin on my family (family)
Hustlin and gamblin, drinkin' and scramblin'
And losin' sight of what I supposed to be handlin'
It's hard to manage cause every days a challenge and man
And I'm slippin can't lose my balance and tryin not to panic

[Chorus]
I tried so hard, can't seem to get away from misery,
Man I tried so hard, but always be a victim of these streets,
It Ain't my fault cause I, try to get away but trouble follows me,
And still I try so hard, hopin one day they'll come and rescue me,

But until then, I'll be posted up right here rain, sleet, hail, snow (hail snow)
But until then, I'll be posted up right here with my heat gettin dough (gettin' dough)

[verse 3]

I see thangs won't change (wont change) I'm stuck in the game
As soon as I get out it keeps pullin me back man (pullin me back man)
Got me doin' dirty dirt, so used to this hustlin money,
That I don't understand no nine to five work
Studied on the streets, hustlas know what I mean
Thugstas ballin' before us I'm tryna make that major league
So we never leave never till the sun came up (came up)
Gotta get it nope, no leavin, no grudge (no grudge) today games they play
Gotta go hard to get what you put in, if you fall off then its all on you (on you)
Gotta watch what you sign too, try so hard but I won't act a fool.

[Chorus]
I tried so hard, can't seem to get away from misery,
Man I tried so hard, but always be a victim of these streets,
It Ain't my fault cause I, try to get away but trouble follows me,
And still I try so hard, hopin one day they'll come and rescue me,

But until then, I'll be posted up right here rain, sleet, hail, snow (hail snow)
But until then, I'll be posted up right here with my heat gettin dough (gettln' dough)

16 April To the Troll and Happy Birthday Jake!

To the troll of the NW boards...in case you are one of whom I trusted to invite to read my blog...why dont YOU be mature and come out of hiding. The rest of all of us are MATURE enough to say what we think under our REAL names....so why dont you?

I want you to know I am backing away from NW boards. Not because of you. You have not backed me down. Im just way above all the drama on the boards. Its old now. It used to be funnt and entertaining, now its out of hand and not worth it.

I already loose sleep at night thinking of many things, and I dont need this added to it. Its not worth my sleep and my time and energy. I dont need it.

And now my age has been thrown into all the mess. I guess Im too "young" to really know that I went a tad 'overboard'. I personally feel that I am more mature than HALF of those women on the boards who are older than me. This has really offended me. I have been through more than most girls my age from being married for almost 6 years, to going through NUMEROUS deployments and world wide moves, to having a husband who is infertile, to having gone through 9 IUI's and IVF, to having 2 miscarriages and now trying to adopt, and not to mention my "family" life or lack of family. I have matured beyond my years, years ago. Im not trying to sound big headed about it, just saying what I believe in.
Yes Im young, that doesnt mean I dont know what Im doing and that what Im doing is because I have no experience.

You can shove it where the sun dont shine. Or as my great friend Cindy says,
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So ya know what...Good-bye. Im dusting off the board and I hope all you trolls have a great board life together. You deserve it. Im more mature and better than all this *$ucking* drama.

For those that read my blog...I will be more active on my blog rathen than those trolly boards. I dont need it.


Anyways,
Today is my best friend's youngest boy's birthday. HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY JACOB. I LOVE YOU! I cant believe he is 5. They sure do grow up fast. I remember seeing Dawn in the airport before I even knew who she was. I was 18, freshly married and waiting for the flight to take me off to my husband a world away in Italy. First time by myself let alone on a plane flying across the world. The flight was delayed by a few hours so I sat there watching all the military people around wondering what I was getting into and dreaming of when I stepped off that plane to being life with my wonderful husband.

As I sit there I see a VERY pregnant woman (so I thought, but she was only 5 months pregnant) followed by her little ducklings. All 4 girls in a single file line holding hands waddling behind her. It was most adorable thing I have ever seen at that point. First thing I thought was, Wow 4 kids and pregnant? Little did I know...that woman and her 5 children would be one of the best things to happen in my life. She would become my life long friend and like the big sister I never had, and the children would grow in my heart like no other children have. That family would inspire Nick and I to want to become parents sooner than we ever planned. Little did we know...we would have to endure all the pain we facing right now.

Everything does happen for a reason. Im waiting for our reason.

15 April 2008

Thanks everyone for the help and information about adopting from the foster care system. I did get in touch with a social worker, from our hometown in PA, and we quickly realized that option is not for us. As much as we would like, its really not the path for us for many reasons.

So we continue with international adoption.

We did find out Kazkhstan is closed to Americans for adoption.

So new doors have opened, and we found another option that is sounding promising.

And I must add for about $10,000 less than Kazakhstan.

Once I get more info, I will post the details.
Maybe this is the place that our choosen baby is from. I can only hope!

Thank you all for all the love, support, concern and care you have sent this way. I wouldnt be able to make it this far without each and every one of you.

14 April 2008- Drawing for adoption fundraiser!!!!!!!!!!

I am having a donation contest for the item pictured above.

About the item:
*It is a Partylite Clean Lines Votive Holder and includes a green Partylite square votive candle in Kiwi Strawberry scent. *It is brand new, only used gently as a display item in my Partylite shows. *It includes the original box. *The holder can be used for tealights or square votives. *The holder is made of dazzling 24% lead crystal and is 3 inches tall. *Hand wash only in warm soapy water, this holder is NOT dishwasher safe.

The RuLeS:
*Donate to our adoption fundraiser, no less than $10, between now- 14 April 2008, and
30 April 2008 and be put into a drawing for this item!! *For every $10 donated you will be put into the drawing. *Drawing will be held on 30 April 2008, Guam time. *I will take pictures of the drawing to prove that it is done fair. * Winner will NOT have to pay additional for shipping. I will cover the shipping cost.

It's that simple!!

If you have any questions please contact me!!

Here is our adoption website:
www.helpafamilyadopt.com

Donations are to be made through paypal. If you do not have a paypal account, but wish to participate in the contest, please contact me.

12 Ap 2008

Does anyone know any information or websites about adopting a child from the foster care system?

My mind is going and Im starting to wonder if this would be a good choice or not for us?

Many other things come along with this. I have heard stories by word of mouth of people adopting infants and very young children for very little cost.

Any info?

9 April 2008

As the first flower of spring, the daffodil is a symbol of hope.

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PAR/PAR_4_Daffodil_Days.asp

Warning: this is an emotional day for which means this is an emotional post filled with many many tears between each typed letter. You have been warned.

I have typed this in an email to a very special person to me this morning. I dont feel like re-typing so I will just copy and paste. Then where I feel is needed, I will add things to make it fit my blog.

I have been having a really hard rough couple of days. I think that Tammy's BFN (for the 11th time) has triggered my sadness. It's really not fair. Yesterday and today I am wondering how the heck are we EVER going to reach our goal of $30,000? We have just under $1,000 right now, and God only knows how grateful I really am. And without the kind, caring, wonderful, generous people that have supported us through the last few years, months, weeks ,days- we couldnt have even gotten that far. For the past entire week, every single day I have had a headache from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. Tylenol and Motrin dont help. My brain wont stop thinking and worrying and wondering. And not to mention all the junk food I been eating to try to keep my mind in other places. And all the Banana Lumpia sitting around the house doesnt help any.

But I hurt. And I feel like we are NEVER going to reach our goal. We have to pay off our IVF credit card and Nick's car before we can even save any money ourselves. It feels like a dream that will forever be just that, a dream and nothing more. I feel so far from it. And I feel so empty because of it. How can I be happy?

I logged onto our paypal account today not expecting to see anything. Just wanted to check to see if 2 payments have been cleared from 2 orders of things I had for sale. And to my suprise, I saw the name of an angel.( C ) My heart sank. I felt my stomache in my throat and I cried. And I cried. And I cried some more. I got a Thank You card out with the intentions of mailing it to her, then I put it away. I thought of her telling me take that $.41 and put it in the piggy bank. So I emailed her instead...And here I am speechless and crying and probably look like fool sitting here.

*C-You have no idea. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Not just for your donations, I hope you know that. You have always meant a lot to me. You have always seemed to know when I needed that email, and just now you must have sensed how I have been feeling these last 2 days. And I dont know how you do it C. All I can say to explain it is, that you are for a reason. For a reason I need you around.*

I still feel like I havent said enough, but I just cant explain. Im speechless and I cant see...LOL!

Because of ALL OF YOU WHO DONATED TO US....WE HAVE HIT THE $1,000 dollar mark towards our adoption goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are estimating the homestudy cost to be about $1,200-$1,500. So this cost is just about covered!!! YEAH!!
WE CANT THANK YOU ENOUGH for all the support. It really is overwhelming.

Much love,
The Alessi's

8 April 2008- Banana Lumpia

I have made my first Filipino food!!!
I wanted to experiment today although I should have done many other more important things, (like vacuum, mop and take pictures of more items Im going to sell) but I was in the mood. And hey, I DID get the laundry and sweeping the floors done and mailed off 3 packages!
I first tried this food at the downtowm market that is on Wednesday nights. The market is called Chamorro Village. We went last week and for the first time (thanks to my neighbor Jody!) I tried banana lumpia! I am so in love with the food here! The market is just filled with food vendors and you can buy just about any kind of local food. Im sure none if which can be healthy, but it's so worth it to eat it every once in a while.
My banana lumpia turned out good, but I think next time Im going to make a minor adjustment. I cant wait to make chicken lumpia next!!

Here are pictures and step by step details of what I did to make my banana lumpia.

The ingredients are sugar, as much or as little as you like. Sugar can be replaced by caramel or chocolate sauce. A small bowl of water for dipping your fingers, lumpia wrappers (I had a pack of 30 and only used 28), a bunch of bananas ( I had a bunch of 7 which filled 28 wrappers). Bananas need to be peeled, cut in half then cut in half again length wise. And oil for frying and a frying pan. Oils needs to be half a banana deep.


Bananas cut into 4ths:


Separate wrappers. Easiest if you let them thaw out for 1 hour then separate.


Set wrapper in front of you in diamond shape and put 1 banana on corner of wrapper. This is where I would make my minor adjustment. I would add just a pinch of sugar on top of the banana before wrapping it.


Roll wrapper half way up, fold in sides. To keep wrapper closed add water with fingertips to end of wrapper.


Here is the corner where you place the water on it from your fingertips.

The final wrapped banana in lumpia wrapper.

A touch of kitty watching you cook adds a little love to the cooked lumpia!

Fry 2-4 minutes on each side.

Place on paper towel to drain. Sprinkle with sugar while still hot.Eat! Store in covered container.

The final product...!!

The yummy gooey warm inside of the banana lumpia...

You can freeze extra lumpia before frying to make for quick making next time.

7 April 2008

Thank you to everyone support our adoption fundraising. I have recently sold a whole slew of things. 100% of all the proceeds through paypal, stay in paypal. That is our adoption account. 100$ of personal checks and money orders get cashed and go straight into our ceramic piggy bank, which will be added to our adoption account periodically as it fills up.
Thank you again to everyone who has given support. Without you, we couldnt do it!

Here is slideshow of pictures. Many people have asked for recent pictures. And well, since Nick has my military ID card in his wallet, and he is at work...I cant go to the post office to mail stuff.

Enjoy!

5 April 2008

Today's horiscope for me:
Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
Yes, perseverance can certainly be difficult -- but it will pay off. Have faith.

I usually never believe in these things, but today...reading this feels good.

Thank you everyone for all your loving support reqarding my last post. It really made me feel better about myself.

Now we are off to go food shopping at the Navy base. Our commissary really sucks.

2 April 2008

This is post number 300. I cant believe I sat here and typed on my blog 300 times. Wow.

There has been some confusion coming from a couple people lately. Some seem to think that I dont care, others think I dont want anything to do with them. Let me just say that is not true. Noone can understand, unless you been here....right here...in my shoes or in Nick's shoes.

I know it must be hard to be friends or family to an infertile couple when you are healthy, have children or are expecting. I imagine it's not easy being in your shoes either. It cant be an easy job. And we feel bad about that. Giving you a job you dont need. Because to me, it is a JOB. Its hard, tiring, exhausting, takes a lot of thinking and lot of effort and you have to be careful. That is job. We feel bad for giving you this job you didnt ask for.

Step into your infertile friend's shoes. Imagine that you desperately want to become a parent but are unable to do so. You put your body through painful procedures but still fail to conceive a child. Meanwhile, people all around you seem to become pregnant with no effort, and just about everyone you know has at least one child. Most of your friends share the bond of motherhood while you feel isolated in your misery.

Please know we do care. We care more than you will ever know. We just cant show that because it hurts. It hurts more than you can ever know unless you been here. Unless you been me. The hurt and pain and heartache from being infertile is an unbearable pain that takes your breath away some days. It is with you every single second of every single day of your being. It is like living under a concreate rock. It is heavy on the heart and soul and it physically hurts.

And then throw in TWO miscarriages that costs thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars you worked hard for and just like that it's all gone. You have debt from it. Your still paying monthly payments to nothing. Your paying payments to a period of pain that ended with nothing but more heartache. We cant even start saving for adoption yet because of this.

It's hard for us to see someone else live our dream weather if you are expecting or already have a baby. Our friends and family have gotten so easily what we have dreamed of. Seeing you only reminds us of our pain. It reminds us what we dont have. I cant even begin to describe to you what it feels like to want and need a child so badly. I dont even know how to try to explain. This type of pain, has no words. The only way you could ever even get a glimpse, is to be with me every second of every day. Watch me get out of bed and quickly be reminded of the baby that I dont have..watch me shed tears litterally every single day. Even then, you wont feel what I feel in my heart.

I dont even know if this makes any sense. It was my effort at TRYING to explain myself. Mayeb it helped, maybe it didnt. But I tried. We love you. We dont hate you. We dont not want anything to do with you. We just hurt. More than ever.

To the right side of my blog is a link to another blog called How To Be Good Friends To An Infertile. Take a look. It's long. But please...if you are a friend to us- you will read it. And maybe come out with some kind of understanding. Please please read it.

With all our love, to you and your child or child to be,
Michelle and Nick